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Jack is jubilant to finally have Danny, a really guy's guy, on the show. Someone who won't famewhore or debate the finer points of Quidditch at local sporting events. Instead, Danny dishes details on his secret office hook-up while he and Jack watch the Knicks play. As the details unfurl, Jack realizes that Danny's down-low GF is (drum roll)… Lemon! Jack holds back projectile vomit before confronting Lemon -- with a silver robot paint-detecting black light, no less. He discourages Lemon from pursuing the relationship, lest it affect the show. Lemon attempts to heed his advice… until Danny puts on a CHiPs costume that's just too sexy to pass up. Lemon accuses Jack of jealousy, and they embark on a competition to see who can claim Danny's sweet, Canadian heart. Lemon proves a more formidable foe than anticipated, so Jack pulls out the big guns and convinces Danny to break it off with Lemon by lying to Danny that he is actually in love with Lemon. He gets a whole lotta help from Lemon's moustache, though. If you have no idea what that means, read the paragraph…
Meanwhile, Jenna scores a Gossip Girl audition. She dons her finest headband, mistakenly believes she's trying for the part of one of Blair Waldorf's schoolmates when she's actually auditioning for the role of the teen's mother. The casting director sets her straight, and the NSA must elevate the threat level to Orange. Lemon gives Jenna a pep talk about aging gracefully. There are two paths, says Lemon: Meryl Streep or Madonna. Since Jenna gets all of her acting inspiration from the "Gollum-armed" latter (Lemon's words, don't destroy me with yoga, Her Madgesty!), she chooses to age with surgical enhancement. Jenna's earnest efforts go about as tragically as all her other harebrained schemes. Lemon realizes the only way she can get Jenna to act her age is to agree to simultaneously reveal her "friend Tom," i.e. her dormant moustache named after Tom Selleck. Thanks to Jenna's newfound peace with her age, she lands the part.
Tracy brings a lady into his entourage, but his newfound respect for women seriously cramps his island-hopping, strip club-frequenting style. Not to mention that of his fro yo-loving assistant, once he gets all Dadsy on her. Tracy and his assistant-slash-stand-in-daughter have a Full House-style heart-to-heart and poignant-ish montage before Lemon calls her back to the writers' room from whence she came. Glad to see Tracy cast such a wide net in his entourage search.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!The cast gets down at a TGS after party. Danny tantalizes Jack with his secret office romance, but he won't disclose who he's seeing. Jack doesn't mind, because he's just happy to have someone around who will get his sports references. Lemon comes over and congratulates on his skits that night: Robot Lorenzo Lamas, Robot Ryan Seacrest and David Hasselbot. Danny takes off, and Lemon marvels that Jack has stooped to attend an after party. She tries to prove to Jack that there are other real men around, but then she looks toward Lutz, who refers to his bro/manziere by saying, "It's not what you think -- it's just something I have to wear to support my breasts."
Jack moans that his season tickets to all the major sports are wasted on the TGS crew, and we're treated to a baseball sideline montage of Lemon doing what she considers Jumbotron-worthy moves, Toofer debating the finer points of Quidditch while Frank drinks beer out of a cup in which he could literally fit his head (and "SOCCER" hat), and Jenna trying to make A-Rod, Jeter, or both jealous by straddling Jack. Jack says Danny is the guy counterpart he's been looking for. Witness Danny's office dalliance. Lemon doesn't care what (or whom) Danny does behind closed doors, as long as he's discreet. Jack reminisces about the old days when pretty young things would come into his office for a little boss lovin'. He gets a little too wrapped up in his trip to Memory Lane, and Lemon asks how drunk he is. Says Jack, "A lot to very." Lemon watches Danny dancing and notes that his body paint, which is glowing under the black light, really doesn't wash off. Jack supposes Danny may just be "glowing like a beacon of manly camaraderie," then realizes he is, in fact, extremely drunk before falling off his chair. Credits.
The week, Lemon tells Pete they have to end rehearsal early because Jack's taking Danny to a Knicks game. Jenna interrupts them to announce that she's got a Gossip Girl audition. Only she thinks she's auditioning for the role of a college freshman when she's actually (and obviously) auditioning for the mother role. The conversation passes without a word of warning to Jenna as she heads for the audition. Pete is worried, but Lemon has played this game many times before.
Tracy's dressing room. He welcomes a girl named Sue into his entourage. When Dot Com runs down the schedule for the day, he feels that going to a strip club is inappropriate. He asks Sue for suggestions. She thinks yogurt would be delicious, but unfortunately Tracy has very different meanings for Tasti D-Lite and Pinkberry than the rest of us.
Knicks game. Jack continues teasing out details from Danny about the identity of his office playmate. It only takes a few details -- but they're doozies, trust you me -- for Jack to realize that Danny's canoodling with Lemon. He gets a bit sick.
Jenna arrives at her audition in her finest Waldorf headband. She and the actress read the same lines a couple times before the casting director informs her she's reading the wrong lines. She laughs a bit at the thought of playing a mother, then the laughter devolves into a bloodcurdling scream as she slowly processes the reality of it.
Jack's office. Lemon enters, and Jack closes the blinds one by one as he dances around his new knowledge. Then he screams "Black light attack!" and flips a switch, revealing incriminating hand and lip prints from Danny's robot paint that have made their way onto Lemon's cardigan. He encourages her to end it, and she throws his earlier yearning for the good old days of office hook-ups in his face. He tells her he always confined his work flings to women whom he could transfer or introduce to Nicholas Sarkozy. Danny, on the other hand, isn't going anywhere. He definitively tells Lemon to end it. She stomps off, but not before Jack flips the black light again and reveals some handprints with serious implications on the back of Lemon's knees.
Downstairs, Tracy goes off on a crew member who makes a suggestive comment about Sue's fro yo. He wonders what's become of him, since he used to find that guy funny. Kenneth tells him that he's feeling paternal toward Sue, even more so because she's a girl, and that it's good for him.
Out in the corridor, Jenna frantically charges Lemon with the news that she was asked to audition for a mother's role. Lemon tries to wrangle Pete into the situation, but he gets one glimpse of Jenna and runs the other way. Given no choice, Lemon tries to give Jenna a shot of reality: She's outgrown her former niche. She tells Jenna she has a choice between aging gracefully like Meryl Streep and going under the butcher like Madonna. Unsurprisingly, Jenna prefers shots of Botox to shots of reality. She chooses Madonna.
Lemon hits the wig and makeup room to break it off with Danny. She gets about halfway there before he stands up, takes off his barber smock, and reveals he's wearing a CHiPs uniform. And we all know how Lemon loves her CHiPs. She invites him back to her office for some more finger painting, if you know what I mean. Some time later, she comes whistling out of her office. Pete's eyes alight with a glimmer of hope for a brief moment when he thinks TGS was cancelled. Alas, Lemon's just inexplicably cheerful.
Jenna sashays in blowing bubbles with her gum and wearing a mini skirt, a shirt that says "LEGAL-ISH," and an even more outrageous headpiece (think Carrie Bradshaw's bird wedding accessory in the Sex and the City movie). She stops cold to tweet that she's hanging out with Lemon. Across the room, Cerie covers her ears and screams for the guys to stop with their latest trick. Lemon asks what they're pulling now. Toofer explains that Frank is torturing Cerie with a high-pitched tone only people with young ears can hear. Jenna overacts that she hears it, too: "Ugh, my ears are, like, dying. Facebook!" Except Frank already turned it off. The writers have a laugh at Jenna. Frank says he also has a low frequency tone only audible to people over 40. He switches it on, and Jenna winces and screams while asking if he's playing it yet. She runs out, and Jack comes in, cupping his ear and bellowing that he needs to talk to Lemon. Completing the triumvirate, Kenneth staggers by the office with both hands over his ears, shrieking, "What is happening to me?!" Ladies and gentleman, the world's oldest Page!
Jack and Lemon retreat into her office. He asks her why Danny skipped out on their lunch date today. "I had a porterhouse for two alone. I am very angry... and sleepy." Jack finds part of Danny's CHiPs costume in Lemon's couch, and she makes no excuses for it. We're even treated to a flashback of their role play. Jack puts on his best indignant face and rehashes his speech about how Lemon is compromising the show. Lemon tells him that he's being hypocritical since he takes Danny away from the show on a whim. She thinks Jack's jealous that Danny's with her and not him. Jack reiterates Danny's value as his wing man in this barren desert of masculinity called TGS. Lemon says she likes having a man around, too. Jack says they can't both get their way. And so the pissing contest begins.
Tracy's dressing room. Baby girl Sue shows her first signs of rebellion. Tracy wants her to stay in for board game night. She wants to go out with some guy named Doug. And the extended parents-versus-teenager family metaphor carries on from there, ending with Sue screaming, "I'm not like you. I'll never be like you!"
Jack and Danny watch a hockey game. Well, more like Danny talks Jack's ear off with every inane, slumber party-ish detail about his rendezvous with Lemon (the phrase "tongue girth" is bandied about). Jack realizes he's losing the battle while staving off sideways glances from the real men in adjacent seats. Meanwhile, Lemon is at home watching CNN with candles lit and a glass of wine. Dr. Sanjay Gupta expounds about the rise in female libido just before menopause, the so-called "Dirty 30s." Lemon takes that little nugget of inspiration and texts Danny, who totally bails on Jack. So, while the game's stuck at nil all, I know one robot who's definitely gonna score tonight. Ha cha!
The day, Lemon is cocky from her victory the night before. Danny asks about a Grizzly Adams sketch, and Lemon falls far short of discreet while stroking his lumberjack outfit. Jack tells her he's taking Danny back, but Lemon is strutting like a peacock. She rubs it in his face that he always has Lutz to fall back on. Cut to Lutz screaming like a woman as he bobbles a hot bagel fresh from the toaster, finally dropping it as a dejected look spreads across his face.
Lemon heads into Jenna's dressing room, where she finds the MIT (Madonna-in-Training) Scotch taping her face and belting -- as best she can with Scotch tape restricting her face -- the '80s hit "Forever Young." Doesn't that date her a bit? Lemon decides to stage an age-tervention. She rips a strip of tape from Jenna's face and tells her she'll never be happy until she lets herself be who she really is. Jenna says Lemon doesn't understand how hard she's worked to hide her flaws and failings from the world. Lemon says she has her own secrets. She offers an exchange: If Jenna admits her real age, Lemon will reveal her "friend Tom," whom she's been hiding for 20 years. Jenna is simultaneously aghast and touched at the gesture. They strike a deal as Lemon strips the last piece of tape from Jenna's face.
Around 48 hours later, we see Lemon's back as she walks through the corridor. As she passes, cast, crew and Pages alike toss her an array of horrified faces. Finally she reaches Jenna and Frank. Lemon turns around to introduce the world to Tom... Tom Selleck, her moustache. Jenna thanks Lemon for this selfless act, noting, "It's funny, all of my 'a ha' moments end with a moustache pressed against me."
Tracy's dressing room. Sue returns from a real bender, possibly with roofies and date rape involved. Yuks all around! Tracy takes her for a sit-down and tells her in his best fatherly tone that all he wants is to protect her and possibly pass her on to a nice man. On cue, moustached Lemon swings by to take Sue back to the writers' room from whence she came. Teary-eyed Tracy gives Sue away like she's a blushing bride as a montage of their best (only) moments together plays over "Forever Young." Tracy crumples on the couch and wonders if he can go through this all over again with his real daughter. Kenneth says he thinks he will.
Out in the corridor, Jack corners Danny to tell him he knows about his affair with Lemon. Seeing that Danny isn't at all contrite, Jack pulls out the big guns. He lies through his teeth that Danny must end the relationship because he, Jack, is actually in love with Lemon. He talks about how he has loved Lemon from the moment he laid eyes on her, how he "ache[s] for her sexually" -- her mud-colored eyes, hyena-like laugh, her splay-footed walk, etc. It goes without saying Lemon is in the background doing everything possible to prove how unsexy she is and make it that much harder for Jack to contrive things he could possibly love about her. As he reaches the climax of his distant serenade, he and Danny both get a glimpse of Tom Selleck. Jack must turn aside and gasp, "Good God, Lemon!" But Danny doesn't notice. He takes Jack's words at face value and promises to end things with Lemon, stat. I'm sure Tom had absolutely no bearing on that decision at all...
On the Gossip Girl set, Jenna acts her aged ass off as the mother who dies of old age... at 41. Her character chronicles all the things she's seen in her full life: The first Clinton administration, the Nagano Olympics, Microsoft Windows 95... The scene wraps. The crew gives Jenna a hearty round of applause, and she realizes old age can't be that bad if it means being the center of attention.
That night at the after party, Lemon and her newly waxed lip confront Jack about pulling such a low blow to secure Danny as his wing man. Lemon sarcastically asks Jack what he told Danny he loved about her. Was it her bangin' body? Her freaky deaky dance moves? Jack walks away as Lemon booty bumps, rump shakes, and does that wacky knee jerk move that everyone used to do in the '90s. Perhaps Jenna's character saw that one in her long, full life, too! The end.
Bonus! Lutz dances. It is beyond words. Not even the mountain of jokes to follow can justify its insanity. Just watch. And then read the jokes anyway!
Would That Be a Whittlodontist?
Kenneth: Good show tonight, Mr. Jordan.
Tracy: Hey Kenneth, why aren't your teeth glowing in the black light?
Kenneth: You'll have to ask the fella who whittled 'em for me!
Stop Jenna If You Know Where This Is Going...
Jenna: Liz, I can't do girls lunch today.
Lemon: We've never done that.
Jenna: Because I have an audition for Gossip Girl.
Pete: Oh, I love that show.
Jenna: I play Tartine Gramercy, an heiress to a vermouth fortune and a freshman at NYU.
Lemon: Really, a college freshman?
Jenna: That's right. In the scene they gave me, I'm fighting with my mother, a washed-up actress who's clinging to her last scraps of faded glamour.
Pete: Uh huh... it's interesting that they've highlighted the mother's lines.
Jenna: Oh, that's so I'll know what lines not to read. As if the word "mother" didn't tip me off already. Wish me luck! [Leaves.]
Pete: We really should have said something. What happens when she gets there and realizes she's auditioning for the mom?
Lemon: Oh, Pete, that's later. Maybe we'll be dead by then.
Pete: That'd be great...
Equal Rights Offenders
Tracy: Sue, you're probably wondering why we asked you to join the entourage. Well, over the years I've had a complicated relationship with women -- from my treatment of the dancers here to my remarks about Madeleine Albright at the 1996 White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Cut to archival footage.
Archive Tracy: What? It's true. She does look one of those!
Back to present.
Kenneth: Now that Mr. Jordan is having a daughter, he wants to learn to give all women the respect they deserve. Even you foreigners!
Culture Clash
Tracy: Now what's on the schedule today?
Dot Com: Ten AM, Dot Com shows us pictures from his trip to Greece!
Tracy: I think I'm gon' go ahead and cancel that.
Dot Com: Okay, I'll reschedule... again. Eleven AM, go to strip club.
Grizz: I'll get the car!
Tracy: Hang on. No! I don't think we should go to a strip club. It just doesn't feel right. I think we should let the new member choose an activity
Sue: I like to go to Tasti D-Lite.
Tracy: I said we're not going to a strip club.
Sue: Pinkberry?
Tracy: What don't you understand? I don't want to take you to a strip club!
The Girlie Showmance
Jack: So what did you do after the party the other night?
Danny: Well, my, uh, "work friend" and I went to her office.
Jack: Oooh, she has an office. Hey, is it that chick lawyer who does the sexual harassment presentation? Because she's asking for it... Okay, no more guesses, continue.
Danny: All right, so we're getting into it, and she takes off her glasses. Real sexy...
Jack: Nice.
Danny: But she never takes off her shoes... which I kind of like. [Recognition dawns on Jack's face.] Even though the reason is she's never let a man see her feet.
Jack: What?
Danny: And she's kind of a tease. Mostly we just kiss, and then she makes me go down to the deli to get her a sandwich. So we haven't gone too far. But under that dress... I can tell she's wearing some weeeeird underwear. I wanna see it.
Jack [looking sick]: They're called Spanx.
Tracy Knows Best
Italian Crew Guy [watching Sue eat fro yo]: Hey baby, you like Italian ice?
Tracy: Hey! Watch your mouth, she's only 34 years old! ... K, what's wrong with me? First I don't want to go to strip clubs, and then I get angry at the hilarious dude that says somethin' awesome.
Kenneth: There's nothing wrong with you, sir. It's just, you're treating Sue like family now. It makes you feel protective of her.
Tracy: But I'm not like that with my sons. When they were little, I threw them in the deep end of our pool... to help them get over their fear of sharks.
Kenneth: Well, it's different with girls -- you want to protect them from the world. I'm proud of you, sir. It's like a whole new part of your heart has opened up.
Tracy: Thank God! 'Cause the doctors keep tellin' me it's pretty clogged.
RaT A Dat Tat, For Short
Jenna: A mother? I'm not a mother! Would a mother be planning a sex tour on Vietnam this spring?!
Lemon: Look, you are a beautiful woman, but you can't play prom queens and murdered runaways forever.
Jenna: But those were my majors at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks!
Jenna's Choice
Lemon: You can try to fight getting older. You can be like Madonna and cling to youth with your Gollum arms. Or you can be like Meryl Streep and embrace your age with elegance.
Jenna: So you're saying it's a choice? Between the dignity of middle age and the illusion of youth.
Lemon: Two paths -- Meryl Streep... [pushes out lips and makes sour face] or Madonna.
Jenna: Very well. I will emulate my acting inspiration. A woman of profound poise, whose career is what we all aspire to--
Lemon: Okay, this build-up is making me nervous.
Jenna: ...a woman whose feminine grace and normal outfits are an inspiration--
Lemon: Just say who it is, and I'll feel better.
Jenna: ...someone whose very name stands for enduring beauty and the wonder of womanhood!
Lemon: Please don't say--
Jenna: Madonna!
CHiPs and Dips
Jack: This badge is a symbol of dignity, honor, and dramatized 1970s interethnic California daytime motorcycle highway justice.
Lemon: I'm sorry, Jack. I changed my mind.
Jack: I'm trying to look out for the show here, Lemon.
Lemon: I don't think you are. While stuck in a pileup on the Pacific Coast Highway earlier, I realized something -- you take Danny away from work whenever you want to hang out. I don't think this is about the show. I think you have some sort of problem with the fact that Danny is with me.
Jack: For four years I've had to make do with what passes for men in this place, with their untucked shirts, boneless faces, their Stars, both Wars and Trek. I needed a man around here, and I finally have one.
Lemon: No, I finally have one. Liz Lemon has a handsome, goof-around makeout buddy.
Jack: And that's the problem. Danny can't be my Alpha Male wingman and his boss's... little scrumpnugget. They're incompatible!
Lemon: Well, then I guess it's on.
Broadcast from the Hockey Rink Chatter Box
Danny: And now I'm at the point where I love just kissing. We kiss for an hour, and it's totally enough for me.
Jack: Uh huh, this is good guy talk.
Danny: She has really thin lips, but she makes up for it with tongue girth.
Jack: Okay, maybe we just watch the game -- forget about girls for a night?
Danny: You know, my little cuddle baby loves to watch figure skating, and I'm really starting to get into that...
Doll Hairs and Sense
Tracy: I don't know if I can go through this with a real daughter.
Kenneth: Yes, you can. I know that was hard, but I bet you wouldn't give up this week with Ms. LaRoche van der Hoot for anything.
Tracy: I wouldn't. Not for a billion doll hairs.
Kenneth: I'm sorry, did you say "doll hairs"?
Tracy: Yeah! They're not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe 40 grand for 'em.
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