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All the major players catch up on their New Year's Eve shenanigans. Jack got violently sick on some ancient wine, Lemon outed her cousin Randy from the boonies, Tracy impregnated Angie, and Jenna set up a sham romance with James Franco. Naturally all of these attempts to put one year behind them and come charging into another go horribly awry.
For starters, Jack drunk-dialed Nancy Donovan, who hasn't contacted him since last year. In his words, Jack "Lemon-ed the situation." (Imagine Lemon herself Lemon-ing The Situation.) So he must forge an elaborate plot involving a pants-less Kenneth, a wire hanger, and a doggy door in order to erase the message while Nancy's out of town on a family vacation. While doing so, he puts together various environmental clues and realizes that Nancy and her husband are on the outs and starts to think he has a chance -- one he might lose when Nancy finds all the webcam pics that luddite Kenneth has inadvertently taken while Jack rifled through the Donovans' things. Kenneth grows increasingly paranoid as Jack avoids listening to the message all night. After the sun rises, Jack finally listens to the message and has a change of heart, only to be dissuaded from his pursuit by Kenneth. Oh, but there's more! Kenneth realizes that Nancy's voicemail security code spells the name "Klaus," which was Jack's name in the German class he and Nancy took back in high school.
In a Jennanco -- or "James," as those less-than-creative tabs call them -- strategy meeting, we learn that James Franco is trying to escape the internet rumors that he's in love with a Japanese body pillow shaped like a lady (which he totally is). Their pap-filled courtship is everything Jenna could ever dream of -- except that it's not real and must eventually end. Jenna, for perhaps the first time ever, has a crisis of conscience about the set-up. She breaks up with Franco and encourages him to pursue his taboo love for a pillow.
Lemon's cousin comes prancing into town chock full o' naïveté, much to Lemon's chagrin. He picks up about a thousand men before Lemon tries to ship him back home where he belongs. But he outwits Lemon by -- fittingly -- throwing her in a closet, then takes off to find the love of his life, a sailor whom he plans to wed in Massachusetts. Lemon catching him announcing this with much panache and subtlety on The Today Show and intercepts him again. He refuses to leave New York until he shows her what living's all about. That's right! It's a big, gay night on the town for Lemon! As luck would have it, when you throw some cosmos into Lemon, she ends up having a three-way with Franco and his lady pillow. The morning-after awkwardness alone is enough to send Randy running back to rural Pennsylvania.
And Tracy starts to see the error of his scoundrel ways when he hits on a back-up dancer named Virginia. Coincidentally, this is the very name he was planning on giving to his future daughter. He realizes that every woman is someone's daughter, and it kills his hard-on. Tracy takes Grizz, Kenneth and Dot Com to task for harboring disrespectful emotions, haircuts, and literary preferences toward women, respectively. He resolves to bring a woman into the entourage. Which I'm sure will go down about as smoothly as a spoon in a blender…
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!The gang is back at 30 Rock for 2010. Lemon asks Jack how his New Year's Eve was. Long story short, his "dear friend, the deep sea explorer Bob Ballard" gifted him with an ancient decanter of wine... which turned out to be quite toxic, sending everyone to the backyard for communal retching. Lemon says that sounds horrible, but Jack reassures her that it was actually a sort of purifying experience. Now his old flame Nancy is out of his mind and out of his life -- conveniently, since she hasn't phoned him for a while. Lemon shares that one of her cousins, Randy from a rural coal mining town, came out to the whole family... and by "came out," she means she drunkenly outed him.
They head over to the elevators, where they find Tracy. Jenna scampers in to tell them about her wonderful New Year's with James Franco's manager. They set up a sham romance between Jenna and James to dispel rumors about some of James's sexual proclivities (no details yet). Lemon disapproves. Jack thinks it'll provide excellent publicity for the show. He tells Lemon to set up a meeting with the Franco to make sure Jenna's taken care of. Tracy chips in that he may have impregnated Angie on New Year's Eve. The others quickly stop him from detailing his night as they did. Credits.
Jack heads upstairs, where Jonathan expectantly asks about his New Year's. Jack takes a look at his Blackberry and runs off in shock. The breeze from Jack's swift departure still rolling across his lapel, an exasperated Jonathan spills that he met his birth parents over the holiday.
Downstairs, Jack runs into Lemon's office to tell her he drunk-dialed Nancy Donovan after consuming too much ancient wine. Cerie notes that he hit pound after dialing the number, so he probably just left her a voicemail. He scuttles Lemon out of her chair so Cerie can check Nancy's YouFace page, which shows that she's at the beach with her husband. He notes that she's with her husband, probably having "beach sex -- which is the third best sex after elevator and White House." Lemon looks on the bright side that Nancy may not have received the message, since she's out of town. Jack declares that he's "Lemoned" the situation and must set it right. Jack runs out, Cerie struts out, and Lemon hopes that people aren't using her name as a verb now -- unless they mean "doing it awesome."
Later, Lemon and Jenna meet with James Franco and his agent. Jenna falls all over herself flirtatiously while Franco lays out the game plan: They met on the set of a movie that will never be released, and from now on they'll have five dates a week and one fight per month in a Jamba Juice (product placement). The agent hands out non-disclosure agreements, and Lemon asks what Franco's trying to hide. He asks if she's familiar with Japanese moe relationships between men and body pillows with women painted on them. Lemon says she is not. Franco's all, "Me neither! Isn't that crazy?" Except... pan right, and there's "Komiko," his companion. Jenna interrupts to ecstatically sign her agreement.
Downstairs, Lemon gets a call from her cousin Randy, who's come to visit the city since she outed him and put him on the outs with his parents. She tells him to get a cab and head straight to her apartment. He wants to catch a ride with the nice man who asked him for help moving a couch into a van (serial killer), then marvels at the "Amish" (Hasidic Jews) as Lemon's tone grows increasingly frantic.
Upstairs, Jack will choose either Kenneth or Jonathan to accompany him to Massachusetts to break into Nancy's house and erase his drunk message. He tells them they must prove themselves to be scrappy and lithe by shimmying their bodies through a wire hanger. Kenneth wins it by a mile, leaving Jonathan painfully trapped by his ears in the hanger.
Downstairs, Tracy announces that Angie is indeed pregnant. What's more, he's quite sure that it's a girl, and now they're just deciding on a name -- a Beckham-esque tribute to where Baby Jordan was conceived. Except the Jordans are a little more specific, and the names isn't quite as exotic as Brooklyn (see below).
Tracy heads off, and Jenna spins into the corridor à la Mary Tyler Moore. She is giddily in love with James Franco and brags to Lemon how they were surrounded at lunch by the paparazzi, who've taken to calling them "James" (a combination of Jenna and James). Lemon reminds her that this is all an act and advises her not to get too invested in it. Jenna insists this showmance is everything she ever wanted.
That night, up in Massachusetts, we find Kenneth slipping through the doggy door pantsless (that happens sometimes when he unhinges his pelvis). He lets Jack in, and they get down to business. They encounter a small hurdle when they find that Nancy's voicemail is password-protected. Kenneth lights up at the possibility of cracking the PIN, just like in The Da Vinci Code. He gets so excited, in fact, that he shrieks and points at what he thinks is an albino monk. Nope, just a mirror. Jack sets Kenneth to finding clues to Nancy's password on her computer, but Kenneth spends most of time accidentally taking webcam pictures of himself and setting them as the desktop image. While he bungles the task, Jack finds signs that Nancy and her husband have hit a rough patch in their marriage.
Back in New York, Randy finally gets to Lemon's apartment. He's already met a bunch of nice young men who invited him to a cozy little bar called Homebutt. Lemon warns Randy about the dangers of New York City. He says he had it hard enough growing up in a town that edited everyone but Karen out of Will & Grace. He just wants to be himself and have fun while he's in the big city. Lemon suggests that his idea of having fun should match up with hers -- staying in, making nachos, and seeing who can fall asleep the earliest.
Elsewhere, "James" wraps up another date. Jenna starts to head upstairs, but Franco sweeps her up for a passionate kiss. Jenna swoons and leans in for more, only to be disheartened when Franco says he only did it because he thought there was a paparazzo nearby. He tells her to swing by his apartment at dawn so she can get caught leaving his house in a shirt and a look like she "just got drilled."
Back in Massachusetts, Jack finds more signs that Nancy and her husband are on the express train to Splitsville. He returns to the living room to find Kenneth disturbed that typing "Nancy's secrets" into the Internet only results in a website for a store that sells wig extensions. Jack begins to think aloud about everything he's seen there and what it means for Nancy's marriage. He points out that Nancy's high level of organization (which he first witnessed in high school German class) reveals that she and her husband are actually vacationing in two separate places. Kenneth tells Jack he has to stop with these "what ifs." He tries to click out of the calendar but only manages to take a picture of both of them. Lithe he may be. Techno-savvy, not so much.
Back on the UWS, Lemon finds Randy with tell-tale signs that he went out last night after she fell asleep, specifically the word "SLUT" written on his forehead. She tells him that he's sown his wild oats enough. It's time for him to ship back home. He says he won't go home until he gives her a makeover. She gets all excited. Then he locks her in the closet -- fitting -- and heads out for another big gay day.
In Massachusetts, Kenneth grows increasingly agitated, so Jack reveals that he saw the voicemail code on Nancy's phone hours ago. He is finally ready to listen to his message. In the message, Jack confesses that his love for Greta (Nancy) has lasted since high school German class, which he took just to be with her. He recites German poetry to her. Aside from the topless chicks in the hot tub, who interrupt the message, it's quite romantic. Upon hearing it sober, Jack has a moral crisis and doesn't want to erase the message. But Kenneth sets him straight and tells him that Nancy would have contacted him if she wanted him in her life. Jack hems and haws, so Kenneth takes the liberty of erasing the message. Jack decides Kenneth is right, and they leave -- Kenneth through the doggy door. Kenneth takes his pants off in preparation.
The morning, Lemon walks into the writers' room to find the staff playing a shot game to the Today Show -- every time they give a dumb travel tip, drink! Jenna, in a man's shirt and no pants, interrupts the game to seek Lemon's guidance about her fauxmance with Franco. Since the kiss, everything seems hollow. Lemon tells her what she's feeling is perfectly natural, and that she wants something real. Lemon's pep talk is interrupted when she spots Randy and his sailor boyfriend on the Today Show, announcing their dishonorable discharge from the Navy, spur-of-the-moment engagement, and elopement to Massachusetts. Lauer tells them to save money by taking a sandwich. Drink!
Outside, Tracy hits on the latest crop of hot pants-clad back-up dancers. She tells him her name's Virginia -- one of his possible baby names -- and he has an epiphany that everyone is someone's daughter. Zoinks!
Down the corridor, Kenneth picks up the phone, looks at the keypad, and has a revelation. He runs up to Jack's office to tell him that Nancy's code, , spells out "KLAUS," which must mean she's been thinking about Jack for years. Jack says he needs to think about his move, he's gotta play it cool. Blurts Kenneth, "You should buy a leather jacket!" Jack tells Kenneth to fetch Cerie.
Lemon has fetched Randy and is set on sending him back home. He counters that she's not really living if she's not dancing until dawn and hooking up with random strangers. He tells her that they're going to do the makeover for real and go out that night. She agrees and starts thinking aloud that she shouldn't give advice to Jenna since she can't even sort her own life. Randy stops her with a "Talk to the hand" gesture, then pauses and asks if he did it right. Lemon congratulates him on sufficient bitchiness, and they hug.
Back at 30 Rock, Jenna breaks it off with Franco. He is frustrated at first, then she tells him to grab happiness by the pillow. Komiko, he's a-comin' for ya, baby!
Upstairs, Cerie and Kenneth watch as Jack wishes Nancy a happy new year and invites her and her husband to dinner time she's in the city. He beams like a kid in a high school photo after hanging up.
That night, a vajazzled (I'm guessing) Lemon hits the clubs with Randy. And who should she run into but James Franco... and Komiko. They revel in their joint decisions to say yes to life. Then they dance really weirdly. Then Komiko joins the dancing. You know where this is going... The morning, Randy reads his morning paper as a Walk of Shame-stylin' Lemon enters the room in Franco's shirt and pastry pajama pants. Franco, in his boxers and the pastry top, follows with Komiko. Randy decides it's time to go home.
Back at the studio, Tracy has gathered the members of his entourage (Grizz, Kenneth, and Dot Com) to blame them for his unhealthy attitude toward women. He announces that he is going to add a woman to his entourage. But until then...
There Might Be a "Buzz" Button
Lemon: Hey, Tracy.
Tracy: Finally! Over the break I forgot what floor I worked on.
Lemon: Six, Tracy.
Tracy: Six! I knew it was a character from Blossom, but I couldn't find the "Joey Russo" button.
Sham, Wow
Jenna: You guys, I had the most amazing New Year. I met James Franco's manager. It was like a fairy tale.
Flash to trendy club.
Agent: My client, James Franco, he's actively looking for a relationship with a human woman to dispel certain unsavory rumors. Are you available for a fake romance with a movie star?
Jenna: Does chewing on a sponge trick your brain's hunger center? Yes, yes, a million times yes!
Back in elevator.
Lemon: So this is some arranged Hollywood relationship?
Jenna: With James Franco! Can you believe they went to me before Ayiiia from The Real World: Cancun?
Jack: I think it's great. The exposure will do wonders for you and TGS. Lemon, I want you and Jenna to have a meeting with James Franco and make sure his manager doesn't screw her.
Jenna: Too late! Oh wait... which way did you mean that?
What's in a Name?
Tracy: I did it! Angie just called. She's pregnant.
Lemon: Congratulations!
Frank: That's awesome!
Tracy: And it gets better. I just had a burrito!
Lemon: Well, now you just have to hope that it's a girl.
Tracy: I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon, 'cause I yelled "Susan B. Anthony" at the moment of conception!
Lemon: That'll do it.
Tracy: We're gonna name her after the place she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night, so we're gonna name her either Virginia, NetJet or Bathroom At Teterboro Airport.
Want Versus Need
Lemon: Jenna, look, I'm glad that you're having fun, but is this what you really want? I mean, you and I are not getting any younger...
Jenna: You don't know that that thing I sleep in isn't working!
Lemon: Don't you want more than some fake boyfriend? Don't you want to be happy?
Jenna: Liz, I am happy -- all this attention, getting my picture taken, having ice cold diarrhea from drinking too much Jamba Juice! It's everything I ever wanted!
Alphabet Suppe
Jack: Nancy Donovan... still so organized. In German class, Mr. Kruger always chose her to sort the students. He was eventually arrested by Israeli commandos. Hmmmm... Look. On the 30th, she took flight 1470 to RSW, and he left the day for CVG. They have to be different cities.
Kenneth: Uh, Fort Myers and Cincinnati. Did you not learn your nation's airport codes in high school?
The Morning After Pill
Lemon: Good morning! Is that glitter? Sees the word "SLUT" written on Randy's face. Oh my God, did you go out last night after I won the sleeping contest?
Randy: I forgot to wash my face, didn't I? I meant to do it at the club, but when I got into the bathroom, everything started up again.
Lemon: I'm taking you to the Port Authority. Randy gasps in anticipation. To get on a bus home, not to meet people, God! Look, you've had your fun, you've seen New York, met some really... neat friends. Maybe that's enough for a first step, okay?
Randy: Yeah, okay, you're right. But I'm not going home until I give my cool cousin a makeover!
Lemon: Is it gonna be fierce?!
Randy: It would be if it was 2006!
Curses Usually Only Have Four Letters, Kenneth
Kenneth: The sun is up, and we are still in these people's home. God can see us now. We have to find that voicemail code.
Jack: It's on the dry erase board above the phone.
Kenneth: What?!
Jack: I saw it up there a few hours ago, but I wasn't done looking around. I'm ready to hear the message now.
Kenneth: Sir, I don't mean to swear, but I am irritated right now.
Play It Again, Jack
Voicemail Jack: Meine leibe, Greta, it's Klaus. Remember Mr. Kruger's German class? I took it to be with you. Sat behind you so I could talk to you and try to see the top of your underwear. You were Greta, and I was Klaus--
Female Voice: Jack, are you coming in?
Voicemail Jack: I'm on the phone! Get back in the hot tub. Ballard, don't let them put their tops back on! ... I'm going to say goodnight with help from the poet Rilke, because only German can capture what seeing you again has made me feel: "Aus unendlichen Sehnsüchten steigen/ endliche Taten wie schwache Fontänen." Auf wiedersehen, Greta.
Hit & Miss
Tracy: Hey baby, you new here?
Extra: Yeah, this is my first show.
Tracy: Before you worked here, were you an ass scientist? Because your ass... blah blah blah, you get the point. So what's your name?
Extra: Virginia.
Tracy: Virginia? But that's my daughter's name. Are you also someone's daughter?
Extra: Uh, yeah.
Tracy: Is every woman someone's daughter?
Extra: Of course.
Tracy: Uh oh!
Pillow Talk
James Franco: You can't just break up with me. I'll sue you for breach of contract. Argh, you're being such a non-pillow right now!
Jenna: But don't you understand? I just want someone real in my life for once. I want what you have with Komiko.
James Franco: Ahhh, Komiko Tan. What am I doing, Jenna? Pretending to be something that I'm not. Making myself miserable when I've got happiness right at home. Unless Komiko's jealous of the ottoman. There's nothing going on there. That's a business relationship!
Jenna: Don't Lemon your life, James. Be happy.
James Franco: I'm the actor James Franco, damn it. And I'm in love with -- and common law married to -- a Japanese body pillow!
Misogyny Three Ways
Tracy: I blame you three for my unhealthy attitudes towards women! You've created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time! Grizz, when was the last time you told your fiancée you loved her? Grizz looks up sheepishly. Since the phone call I interrupted to make this announcement! Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians! Dot Com, do you ever read books by women?
Dot Com: But George Elliot was a woman.
Tracy: Enough!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see our list of the Best & Worst 30 Rock Guest Stars!