By Lady Lola
Jack is jubilant to finally have Danny, a really guy's guy, on the show. Someone who won't famewhore or debate the finer points of Quidditch at local sporting events. Instead, Danny dishes details on his secret office hook-up while he and Jack watch the Knicks play. As the details unfurl, Jack realizes that Danny's down-low GF is (drum roll)… Lemon! Jack holds back projectile vomit before confronting Lemon -- with a silver robot paint-detecting black light, no less. He discourages Lemon from pursuing the relationship, lest it affect the show. Lemon attempts to heed his advice… until Danny puts on a CHiPs costume that's just too sexy to pass up. Lemon accuses Jack of jealousy, and they embark on a competition to see who can claim Danny's sweet, Canadian heart. Lemon proves a more formidable foe than anticipated, so Jack pulls out the big guns and convinces Danny to break it off with Lemon by lying to Danny that he is actually in love with Lemon. He gets a whole lotta help from Lemon's moustache, though. If you have no idea what that means, read the paragraph…
Meanwhile, Jenna scores a Gossip Girl audition. She dons her finest headband, mistakenly believes she's trying for the part of one of Blair Waldorf's schoolmates when she's actually auditioning for the role of the teen's mother. The casting director sets her straight, and the NSA must elevate the threat level to Orange. Lemon gives Jenna a pep talk about aging gracefully. There are two paths, says Lemon: Meryl Streep or Madonna. Since Jenna gets all of her acting inspiration from the "Gollum-armed" latter (Lemon's words, don't destroy me with yoga, Her Madgesty!), she chooses to age with surgical enhancement. Jenna's earnest efforts go about as tragically as all her other harebrained schemes. Lemon realizes the only way she can get Jenna to act her age is to agree to simultaneously reveal her "friend Tom," i.e. her dormant moustache named after Tom Selleck. Thanks to Jenna's newfound peace with her age, she lands the part.
Tracy brings a lady into his entourage, but his newfound respect for women seriously cramps his island-hopping, strip club-frequenting style. Not to mention that of his fro yo-loving assistant, once he gets all Dadsy on her. Tracy and his assistant-slash-stand-in-daughter have a Full House-style heart-to-heart and poignant-ish montage before Lemon calls her back to the writers' room from whence she came. Glad to see Tracy cast such a wide net in his entourage search.
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