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It's audition day at TGS! Lemon and Pete have already picked their guy. His name is Jayden -- ugh. But they have to make sure Jack thinks he picked him, so they stack the deck in favor of Jayden. And then Lemon spoils everything when she remembers her days in the cattle call and gives Dot Com a pity audition. (To be fair, Dot Com does have a classical background.) Lemon's Achilles' heel foils the Hornberger System of Audition Manipulation, and immediately everyone from Frank to Brian Williams to Cathy Frickin' Geist lines up for a try-out.
Meanwhile, Jenna learns of the impending auditions and takes neurotic to a new level. And that's a new level in Jenna-speak, not by normal people terms. It's pretty astounding. She and Tracy scour the city for "talent" with which to flood Lemon, thereby creating a disaster scenario at the auditions.
Amidst all this, Jack contracts bed bugs. His new infirmity reduces him to begging for directions on the subway. (I know! Jack's on the subway!) Even a bum is all, "Keep your distance, mister." These new travails spark an epiphany in Jack about the dignity of the humble class. He shares this epiphany with Kenneth, who speaks fluent Latin, BTW.
When the day finally comes, it's a carnival of comic carnage. Ms. Geist earns my unconditional love by serving up a fierce, ram-like full-body butt to any competition, then executes a flawless SuBo impression -- the denouement of which, so we're told, was removing her knickers. A-MA-ZING. We also learn that Brian Williams best stick to his day job. Ultimately, Lemon's frontrunner turns out to be an actual maniac, but it's no matter because Jack hires the only auditioner who deigns to shake his hand. And who is a performing street robot. Versatility be damned! This is TGS.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Lemon's office. Lemon and Pete are having a last-minute meeting before their just-for-show TGS auditions with Jack. You see, they've already picked the guy they want to be the new cast member: Jayden Michael Tyler. Lemon had to endure "eight cities, 40 comics, one slap fight with a TSA agent" to get this close, so she'll be damned if Jack goes rogue and picks someone else. As insurance, they've stacked the deck in their pick's favor. His competition? A middle-aged female comic with a bolo tie, a one-man band who only plays Halloween music, and "Australia's Jackie Mason." Lemon regrets crushing so many others' dreams, having experienced her share of rejection as an auditioning comic actress. Pete assures her that at least she is "making this guy's dreams come true," He adds, "At your age, it's probably the last time you'll ever make a man happy."
Jack pops in just in time to laugh at Lemon's advancing age. He asks where they are on the talent search, so they pull the wool over his eyes about the strong contenders they have lined up for him to see that afternoon. Jack already doesn't like the look of some of them. Lemon reminds him that these are real people with hopes and dreams, but he doesn't want to hear it. He delivers a speech -- scratching all over his body throughout, but more on that later -- about being dispassionate and robotic. He concludes that human empathy is "as useless as the Winter Olympics... this February on NBC." Credits.
Out in the corridor, Jenna skitters up to Tracy in a tizzy. She asks if it's true that Lemon is holding auditions that day. Tracy doesn't think they have anything to worry about because the higher-ups will just hire some white guy who won't displace their bits. Jenna remains paranoid, and Dot Com chips in that it's true that anything can happen in the audition process. Tracy smugs that Dot Com must know everything about theater since he played a bird in a play one time. The bird in question? Trigorin in Chekhov's The Seagull.
Jenna spots Kenneth and heads over (floating with the wind in her hair like a witch, no less) to ferret information out of him. He admits he's under explicit orders from Lemon not to reveal any information about the auditions to Jenna. Then he remembers there's also a Jenna at the luggage store downstairs, so it must be okay to tell TGS Jenna. Since she's not hopelessly neurotic, nosy, and stopping-at-nothing to remain in the spotlight. Nope, must be that luggage store Jenna. Ohhhhhh, Kenneth. She sees the audition list and freaks out.
Kenneth makes his way into Jack's office, and Boss Man Donaghy is still scratching himself something awful. Kenneth immediately diagnoses Jack with bedbugs. Just then a colleague of Jack's enters, and Kenneth spills the beans. Jack insists there's no problem and confirms his attendance at a meeting that afternoon. The bigwig eyes him nervously and says he doesn't think Jack will be needed.
Lemon's office. Dot Com enters and starts reading a series of cue cards justifying why he wants to audition for TGS. Only he's lost the second of three cards, so we don't actually get the thrilling Uta Hagen quote he was planning to use as a clincher. Alas. Lemon holds firm that she doesn't have room for anyone else to audition. Dot Com takes it well and exits when Jenna stomps in and tells him to beat it.
Jenna is desperate for Lemon to pull Jayden from the audition. Lemon fudges that they have other options, and Jenna immediately recognizes Lemon's scheme. She says she's has bad blood with Jayden for 20 year since they did play together -- it's worth nothing, a play for which she was dressed as roller skating, space age Dorothy-meets-Tin Man, Jayden was dressed as a London street urchin, and everyone else was outfitted in Middle Eastern and Jesus-like costumes. Jayden, just a youngster then, approached Jenna (looking exactly the same age as she is presently) to congratulate her on her nomination -- "for Worst Supporting Bra!" Everyone got a good laugh in Jenna's expense on that one. Lemon tells Jenna to tamp down the crazy, but it's too late. Jenna runs off, freaking out already. Outside, Lemon hears Dot Com ruefully telling his mom the audition was cancelled and to pray for something else. She caves and tells him he can audition. Without missing a beat, he shoots back, "I'll need a piano," and snaps his phone like a diva.
Upstairs, Jack walks into his office to find a massive TV screen in his office through which he can conduct the meeting with his colleagues. He feels relegated because of his bed bugs, but they insist it's for everyone else's health and safety. Then Jack's colleague makes a snotty comment, which rankles Jack. He insists he's being discriminated against. The bigwigs simply mute him and carry on the meeting as he screams angrily into the camera at them. Also, the entire scene is one big, tongue-in-cheek plug for Cisco.
Back downstairs, Pete is pissed that Lemon threw off his system. He says that Lemon has opened the flood gates and now everyone will want in. To wit, Frank approaches to say he heard out about Dot Com and angrily declares he's auditioning, too. Just moments later, Brian Williams says he's heard too. He assures her that he's not interested in auditioning, but -- cue cheesy Jersey accent -- "Nicky Matarullo from Scotch Plains, New Jersey, might be. 'ey fuhgeddaboudit!" OMG, love. Wish Brian Williams would do the entire nightly newscast in that voice. Lemon, however, can only put on a strained fake smile.
Meanwhile, Jenna sprints frantically into Tracy's dressing room and declares an "actor emergency!" Tracy grabs his happy face/sad face masks and prepares to jump into action. Then Jenna tells him that her nemesis is auditioning, and his only competition is the one-man band, some old Australian, and Dot Com. Upon hearing Dot Com landed an audition, Tracy gets nervous because he "once saw that guy become Trigorin at the Wesleyan Art Space." Jenna suggests they beat Lemon at her own game by trolling the streets to find actors who will outshine Jayden and Dot Com. Tracy is in.
Back upstairs, Jack is still scratching away. He hands a paper to Jonathan and tells him to call his car. Jonathan tearfully confesses that the higher-ups won't let Jack use his company car until the bedbug situation is sorted. He'll have to take a taxi cab. The horror! Jack heads downstairs, but the taxi driver spots him scratching and refuses to him someone in the cab with "Mugabe's concubine." Heh. Cut to a few minutes later, Jack has desperately taken to the subway. He stands up to make an announcement that he is not, indeed, a drug addict or a beggar but a rich executive who just needs to get medicine for his bedbugs. He asks for directions to the 4 train, but everyone -- including some semi-crazy hobo -- looks at with judgment in their eyes as they shift to the other side of the train.
Back in the building, Lemon walks out of the studio to find a veritable circus of people lined up to audition for the show. And, oh yes, the ever elegant Cathy Geist has now joined the audition pool and is standing in the corridor doing some sort of weird 1950s calisthenics in prep for her big shot. Pete stresses that his system has been thwarted and that Jack might actually pick one of these freak shows now. Just then, their choice Jayden walks in and asks if all these wackos are his competition. He barely gets his sentence finished before Cathy Geist rams into his side like an ornery mountain goat. Yes! Jayden recovers and asks Lemon to take a picture of him in front of the TGS sign. He jokes around with them for a minute, then says he'll see them when he's on stage. He walks off, and Lemon conspires one last time with Pete about how to make things right with this train wreck of an audition.
Elsewhere, Jenna and Tracy scour the city for fresh talent. They find a "bi-larious" gay actor at the Hugh Jackman taping of Inside the Actor's Studio and a booty dancing, big-boned, black lady in Central Park.
Back at 30 Rock, Grizz gives Dot Com an origami seagull as a token of good luck for his audition. They share an emotional hug.
Jack re-enters the building, looking downtrodden and sees Kenneth. He says he's realized what life is like on the bottom of the feeding chain. He was ostracized, ridiculed, and judged today. No one would even touch him. "But you will, won't you?" he asks Kenneth. He whispers, extra-creepy, "Make me feel human again. Embrace me, Kenneth." Jack extends his arms, but even Kenneth recoils with a disgusted look on his face and starts to make an excuse. Jack calls to him, "Et tu, Kenneth?" Kenneth shoots back in fluent Latin, "You speak Latin? Then you understand. The safety of the people is the highest law."
Back in the hallway, Pete tries to tinker the Hornberger System to suit the new conditions when Tracy and Jenna strut in with their rag tag bunch of candidates, which now includes a rabbi, as well. Tracy also hands over an expense form for driving a million miles in pursuit of these actors. Lemon grits her teeth.
Lemon pulls them into Tracy's dressing room to harangue Jenna for pulling Tracy into her scheme. Jenna insists that Jayden is bad news, but Lemon says she called all of his references: a commercial with Martin Scorsese, a play with Christopher Walken... "he's even studying the Meisner Technique with Sir Gilbert Gottfried." They all said they loved Jayden. Lemon says the Hornberger System will prevail. Jenna retorts, "Think again, Liz. The Hornberger System will devail! Is that the opposite of prevail?" Lemon gives up on yet another pointless conversation and leaves to oversee the auditions. Jenna decides to pull out her secret weapon. She plans to mess with Jayden's head by walking up to him and saying it's nice to meet him. Apparently, that freaks people out. She and Tracy bump fists.
Outside, Jack catches Lemon trying to kick out some of the hopefuls. Having become one with Joe the Plumber, Jack criticizes her for being dispassionate and robotic -- the exact qualities he instructed her to emulate that morning. Jack says the bedbugs have taken the blinders off of his eyes and declares that everyone should have a chance.
Audition montage: Frank curses. A lot. Central Park girl eats a donut and shakes her sizeable booty. A dour-looking older custodian says his first character will be "an old janitor who's finally had enough and stabs everybody." Josh the writer crawls back after failing on the big screen and being forced to do guy-guy stuff in a "web short." Toofer and Lutz introduce their comedic troupe: Laugh of the Mohicans. Brian Williams expounds on what happens in the refrigerator when the light goes off, adding a desultory "fuhgeddaboudit."
Meanwhile, Jenna goes into Jayden's prep room and is beat to the punch when Jayden says it's nice to her. She blows up that she was supposed to be the one who didn't remember her. The plan works for Tracy, though, who tells Dot Com it's nice to meet him and wreaks havoc on him emotionally. Outside, a frenzied Pete grabs the first performer he sees on the street to even out the numbers since Toofer and Lutz auditioned as a pair. That performer is a silver-painted robot man.
Auditions: Dot Com seems to be under the mistaken impression that he's on Def Poetry Jam but crashes and burns anyway on account of Tracy's psychological warfare. Cathy Geist sings "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Mis, Susan Boyle-style. Jack moons. Lemon holds back tears. The robot guy does robot-y things. And then Jayden comes on stage. His first piece is a dinner party with three very special guests. If you're guessing, those guests are Martin Scorsese, Christopher Walken, and Gilbert Gottfried. He doles out three pitch-perfect impressions (by which I mean their voices are literally imposed over his moving lips), and Lemon realizes she's been had. Jack cracks up.
Later, Lemon storms in Jayden's dressing room and tells him in her worst Walken impression to "Giiiive... it up. I figured ouuuut... ya game." She moans that she fought for him, and now she's going to have to start all over again. He informs her that she's going to have to hire him under any circumstances. He's hatched a diabolical plan to make it look like she compelled him to let her take pictures of his genitals in order to get the job. And since she took that picture of him earlier, her prints are all over his camera. Lemon says Jenna was right. Jayden is crazy. He asks, "Would a crazy person laugh like this?" before letting out a Jack-Nicholson-as-Joker cackle that can only be described as "maniacal." Honestly, though, compared to Jenna and Tracy, he's probably still the most sensible person on the cast.
Elsewhere, Jack waits for the freight elevator. The robot performer approaches. Jack mournfully points him toward the regular elevator, saying, "You're the one who's human here." The robot looks down with a doleful whir.
Down the hall, Lemon admits she was wrong to Jenna and Tracy. She apologizes for not believing Jenna, but explains she only did it because Jenna is never right. Jenna, too, is proud of her first time. They hug.
Lemon heads off to tell Jack they have to hold another audition. But it's too late. Jack says that the auditions were horrifying, but that there was one true stand-out. Assuming the Hornberger System worked, Lemon tries to warn Jack that Jayden is crazy. Jack says crazy is par for the course in this business -- just look at Tracy and Jenna. He tells Lemon it's her job to manage the crazy and tease out the talent. Lemon insists she wants to start over, but Jack has made his decision. They're hiring the robot. It may seem out of left field, but in fact it's because the robot was the only auditioner who stooped to shake Jack's bedbug-infested hand. Lemon is confused, but relieved.
Bonus footage: Jack joins a subway quartet in singing "This Little Light of Mine." He swills cheap booze in between phrases and even gets to take around the offering bag!
Donations are also accepted in the form of jokes...
Lemon, You Old Giza
Jack: Where are we on this audition?
Lemon: We've narrowed it down to four people for this afternoon.
Jack: I'm already not liking some of these people. It reminds me of being on the bus.
Lemon: Hey, come on guys. These are people up here with feelings and mothers who worry about them.
Jack: Now Lemon stop right there. You are on top of the pyramid. TGS is a small pyramid, which nevertheless will one day be your tomb. You can't let emotions distract you from making decisions about the slaves who built the pyramid, which again will one day be your tomb.
Au Naturel Disaster
Tracy: Jennifer M., why are you so worked up?
Jenna: Because it's going to be a disaster -- like Katrina. Do you remember Katrina... that crazy girl from hair and makeup?
Only the Best Pests for Jackie D.
Kenneth: Oh, my sir. It looks like you got a bad case of the chewdaddies.
Jack looks confused.
Kenneth: Ozark kisses? The woodsman's companion? Bedbugs. They're a big problem in New York right now.
Jack: I don't have bedbugs, Kenneth. I went to Princeton.
Kenneth: Sir, anyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain, even the Mayor had bed bugs. And she was a horse.
One of Jack's colleagues enters.
Breckman: I'm sorry, am I interrupting?
Jack: No, Breckman. It's nothing.
Kenneth: It's not nothing, sir. Mr. Donaghy's got Blue Ridge quilt ticklers... oh, sorry, bedbugs.
Breckman: Bedbugs? Can't those live in your clothes?
Kenneth: That's true, Mr. Donaghy. The Mayor had to burn all her pantsuits.
Audition Mechanics 101
Jenna: What are our options besides Jayden Michael Tyler?
Lemon: A lot of good people.
Jenna glances at the decoys' headshots.
Jenna: You're setting him up to get it! You don't think I know that trick? You don't think I've been brought in on a million auditions just to make Kim Cattrall seem grounded and human?
Audition Mechanics 101
Pete: Now you've compromised the Hornberger System. It's four people for a reason. The first guy, Jack's settling in. The second, he hates. The third is Jayden. The fourth proves how good Jayden is. The more people you add, the less effective it is -- like a neighborhood dad garage band.
Can We Send Jon Gosselin to Australia ?
Lemon beholds the hordes of auditioning nut jobs.
Pete: Happy?
Lemon: No. Not since I was a child. What is Cathy Geist doing here?
Pete: Her father heard about Brian Williams and insisted she get a chance. There's too many people here for the Hornberger System, Liz. What if Jack actually picks one of these weirdos? Do you know the Australian Jackie Mason was chemically castrated by his government?
Whatever's Useful, Right?
Jayden: Maybe this [picture of me standing in front of the TGS sign] will convince my mom to stop sending me law school applications.
Lemon: My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins were considered good luck in Mexico.
Random Fact about Kenneth #481
Kenneth: Oh, Mr. Donaghy, did they make you ride the freight elevator?
Jack: I walked in your shoes today, Kenneth.
Kenneth: I don't think you did, sir. I've just got the one pair, and I sleep in them.
There's a First for Everything
Lemon: Jenna, you're right. He's crazy. We can't hire him!
Tracy: Who, Brian Williams?
Lemon: No! Jayden. I'm sorry I doubted you. It's just that you've never been right before... about anything.
Jenna: I know!
Now That's a Grand Finale!
Jack: I've never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
Lemon: To be fair, I did not think Cathy Geist was going to finish her song by taking off her underpants.