In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Jack is admittedly hesitant about giving his newly found bio-pop a kidney, and Dr. Spaceman's glorious medical incompetence is no help. Jack warms up to the idea after some father-son bonding. Unfortunately, he discovers he's not a match, but he vows to help in any way he can. Cue the random parade of celebrities -- including Elvis Costello, Clay Aiken, Mary J. Blige, Sheryl Crow, CYNDI LAUPER!, the Beastie Boys and that sleazy guy with the helium voice from Maroon 5 -- that Jack enlists to produce a kidney-themed charity single. And what musical possibilities that crazy liquor-processing, pee-making organ provides...
Thanks to her "deal breaker" sketch, Lemon has to accompany Jenna in an appearance on a thinly veiled parody of The Tyra Banks Show. Things look up when the audience, and soon the world, embrace her fast-talking, no-nonsense relationship advice. Jack advises her to take advantage of the opportunities coming her way, including a book deal. Pete and Tracy are less enthusiastic, though, after Lemon tells their wives not to put up with their secret married behavior. They try to convince Lemon that her unprofessional diagnoses are going to destroy the world, but Lemon decides to "get hers." Hell, if Dr. Spaceman can do it, so can Lemon!
Tracy is invited back to his high school, but he refuses to return to the locale of his greatest embarrassment -- when he couldn't dissect a frog, started crying like a bitch, and consequently dropped out. However, after he discovers one of his classmates is a fast-food delivery man, he realizes he can inspire people with his story. He returns and delivers a predictably Tracy Jordan train wreck speech, and the high school gives him an honorary degree. He starts crying like a bitch again, undoing all his success.
Watch the full episode here, then discuss this episode in our forums! Then check out our New Blerg Dictionary!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Lemon's office. Jack catches Lemon up on Milton's request for a kidney and his own reluctance to give one to that Commie, homo-lovin' son-of-a-gun. He feels like he's in a tough place because he's Milton's only hope, but he doesn't want to be a match. He asks for Lemon's help. She begins singing an anatomical song from when she played a kidney in her fifth-grade play. Not helping.
Later in the studio, Jenna tells Lemon that she has to go on The Vontella Show as a relationship expert thanks to "That's a deal breaker, ladies!" This is not good news for Jenna, who has been involved in many a WWE-style throwdown and/or family reunion ambush on this Tyra Banks/Jerry Springer hybrid. Jenna, however, does relish the chance to rope Lemon into coming with her on the show since Lemon hijacked her Time Out New York cover and is now the "face of 'deal breaker.'" Lemon tries to wriggle out of it, but Jenna makes it clear Lemon's presence is not optional.
Dr. Spaceman's office. He can't keep a straight face while talking about Milton's kidney ("Kidney's just such a funny word!"), then promptly hands them a form that says Milton is giving Jack his kidney and not the other way around. All of this does nothing to allay Jack's concerns, and he makes it very clear that he is not totally on board with the whole transplant situation.
Tracy's dressing room. Kenneth tells Tracy he's been invited back to his high school to speak at graduation. Tracy flatly refuses, then tells a horror story about being solicited by a drug dealer to cut a brotha open. He says that's why he dropped out and vowed never to go back. He leaves, and Dot-Com informs Kenneth that the "drug dealer" was actually a science teacher who wanted Tracy to cut open a frog. Dissection is decidedly not urban. Grizz recalls that he had to deny knowing Tracy because of the humiliating situation. Kenneth likens it to his own understanding of science, which, being from the Deep South, is decidedly anti-evolution.
Vontella Show. Jenna chokes when the TV diva lets audience members ask her relationship questions. Luckily, Lemon picks up the slack and proves quite adept at spotting those pesky deal breakers. (See below.) Wild applause and coining of more catch phrases ("Shut it down!") ensues.
Tracy stares forlornly out the window on a rainy day, or so it would seem. It's just a set that the high school drop-out co-opted to express his inner emotions. Kenneth approaches and confronts Tracy with the truth about his high school story. Tracy starts crying and shouting out that he was a chicken. Alan Alda interjects for a moment to drop a one-liner: "A guy crying about a chicken and a baby? I thought this was a comedy show." Judge that line for yourself, but, for me, it was only meh. He leaves, and Tracy tells Kenneth that he doesn't understand how horrible it has been to live down that mortifying moment. He says he lost his street cred and has since vowed never to cry again. He insists he never cries, despite a whopper of a montage to the contrary (best snippet: "A Diet Slice and some pita chips!"). Tracy is adamant that he will never go back to the scene of his greatest failure. Kenneth feels sorry that he can't embrace all the parts of himself, even his own failures, but Tracy won't hear it.
Upstairs, Milton enters Jack's office. He is leaving to work on the chapter of From Peanut Farmer to President but wanted to talk to Jack about the scene in Dr. Spaceman's office the other day. Jack says talking is not a Donaghy coping mechanism, but Milton insists because "the Greens are talkers... and huggers." He apologizes for putting Jack in an awkward situation and promises he'll be more than happy to simply spend time with Jack. They discover they both like baseball and end up playing an impromptu game of father-son catch -- though Milton nearly ruins Jack's moment with navel gazing. Sentimentality is not the way of a Donaghy man.
Downstairs, Kenneth pays a delivery man for some food. Tracy spots him and tells Kenneth that that kid used to be the most gangsta kid in high school, and now he's just a delivery boy. Kenneth exchanges a knowing look with Grizz, and tells Tracy that he is not the "bad-bleep! OG" but a sensitive artist. He, too, was once different and should let the kids at his high school know that different kids can succeed, too. Tracy agrees to go back and speak at graduation.
Jack's office. Dr. Spaceman calls to inform him that he is not a match for Milton and therefore can't give him a kidney. He heads downstairs to tell Lemon that he has devised a tentative scheme to utilize the liberal media establishment to get Milton a kidney. Jenna suggests he do a charity concert, and he decides to go the way of Bob Geldof and, more recently, "Weird Al" Yankovic. Now that's what I call a surefire hit! He tells Lemon to start on a set post-haste. He says if she can moonlight as a TV relationship expert, then she can pull together a charity concert. She says she's not sure if she's qualified to be doling out advice on a national stage, but Jack encourages her to "get hers" while the gettin's good.
Jack's office. He blackmails Mary J. Blige, Elvis Costello and Clay Aiken into helping him with the kidney ditty. In short, Jack got Mary out of a 20-year exclusive contract at Sea World (guess it got foisted onto Jessica Simpson, then?), Aiken is Kenneth's cousin (of course!) and Elvis (a.k.a. Declan McManus) is an international art thief. I have a feeling this is just the tip of the Green-berg.
Downstairs, Lemon feels empowered as she accepts all her appearance requests, including that much-watched seventh hour of the Today Show. She heads into her office, where she finds Pete and Tracy's wives. She is loath to answer their questions since she knows them and could potentially have to face the consequences, but they insist. See below for more catch phrase-tastic Lemon logic.
Frank Lucas High School. Tracy gives him inspirational graduation speech, and it is just as wackadoo, off-the-cuff, and counter-productive as you might imagine. Nonetheless, the principal gives him an honorary degree for coming back to speak. He clutches the diploma, bursts into bitch tears, and collapses on the stage -- thus reliving the exact shameful behavior that sent him running in the first place.
Back at 30 Rock, Jack wangles some more celebrities who owe him favors: Sheryl Crow and Adam Levine of Maroon 5. May I just say, God bless Sheryl for sitting on the same couch as his diseased crotch? Sheryl reminisces about playing a kidney in her fifth-grade play with some loser (yeah, that'd be Lemon). Jenna interrupts to ask Jack if she can be a part of the musical benefit. He lies that it didn't work out and introduces her to his "European friends." Jenna eyes them suspiciously.
Elsewhere, Lemon starts heading out to meet with a book agent for a Deal Breaker tome. She runs into Pete and Tracy, who ream her out for talking to their wives. She blows them off, repeating Jack's words about how TGS can't last forever. Tracy frantically turns to Pete: "Pete! How am I gonna live? I only have $300 million!"
Studio. Milton is wowed by Jack's efforts to get him a kidney. He says he's never seen anything like it -- and he was at "We Are the Pizza" (bah dum bum). Jack admits he felt like he let Milton down earlier, but Milton insists Jack could never let him down. They hug it out. Two of The Beastie Boys walk by and tell them to get a room. Wonder what Jack had on them.
Tracy's dressing room. He and the gang excitedly discuss how, now that Tracy's a high school graduate, he can go to college.
Out in the hall, Lemon and Jack walk toward the studio. She tells him about all the success she's seen (free sandwiches!) since coining "deal breaker." He approves that she's "getting hers." Lemon looks at the set and is amazed what Jack pulled together for Milton. She even spots Sheryl Crow, her BFF from elementary school (har har). Jack says that Milton is his father, and this was his duty.
The song begins. It's direct, concise, and God awful: "Just give a kidney/ To a father or a dad./ Give a kidney/ We hear it doesn't really hurt that bad." It even has fun facts, such as "This country has 600 million kidneys" (and they really only need half!). Name dropping: "Milton Green! Milton Green! Milton Green! Milton Green! Milton Gree-ee-een!" Self-referentiality: "Listen, when someone starts talking in the middle of a song, you know it's serious." There are beard jokes, though sadly no hot dogs, hallways or hot mom jobs; scenarios laid out in which one of something, such as a kidney, is preferable to two (dogs attacking you, for example); outright pleading ("It's easier to give than a head!"), and even a drunken Cyndi Lauper! FYI: Other people who owe Jack favors = Norah Roberts, Sara Bareilles, Moby, Michael McDonald, Wyclef Jean, Steve Earle, Rhett Miller, Robert Randolph, Rachael Yamagata, and Talib Kweli. Oh yeah, and of course Jenna crashes and does some belting. Jack looks on proudly, and Lemon notes what a year they've had -- even though it's only May.
Under no circumstances will I give you my kidney, but here are some jokes...
The Farmer & The Derelict
Jack: Milton needs a kidney.
Lemon: Milton as in your dad?
Jack: My dad? I don't know this guy. Professor Milton Green, who's writing a three-volume biography of Jimmy Carter? And if I give it to him he could live to finish it?
Lemon: What are you gonna do?
Jack: I don't know. He's too old for the waiting list, and since Giuliani left, it's gotten tougher to harvest hobo organs, so it's up to me.
Lucas High, Do or Die!
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, your old high school wants you to speak at graduation. And they said you could drop up to five F-bombs.
Tracy: Not interested.
Kenneth: Why?
Tracy: Because Frank Lucas High School was a hell hole. Grizz knows. He was there. A drug dealer named Campbell, he ruled that school. He wanted me to find a snitch called "Baby." Campbell wanted me to cut him open.
Kenneth: Oh my! That's very urban!
High School in Kentucky, Ladies and Gents
Dot-Com: Campbell was actually Mr. Campbell, his science teacher.
Kenneth: His science teacher was a drug dealer? That's terrible! Science was my most favorite subject -- especially the Old Testament.
Dot-Com: He wasn't a drug dealer. Tracy dropped out of high school because Mr. Campbell wanted him to dissect a frog. Tracy couldn't do it. He cried in front of the whole class.
Grizz: It was bad. I had to deny ever being friends with him.
Kenneth: Just like Peter did to Jesus in science!
That's a Deal Breaker, Ladies!
Permatanned Audience Member: This guy I'm dating owns a tanning salon, but he won't let me tan for free, but he lets girls he's friends with tan for free, so I go to this other tanning salon down the street to try not to make it a thing, but you know how there's no secrets in the tanning salon community -- so what should I do?
Jenna: Ummmm... I don't know. Liz?
Lemon: Oh, well whatever that just was, it's a deal breaker, because this guy's making you talk like a crazy person. You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth. Deal breaker!
Homely Woman with Metro Fiancée: My fiancée and I keep arguing about our wedding plans and--
Lemon: Nope! Your fiancée's gay. Look at him, look at you. Classic case of fruit blindness.
Vontella: Fruit blindness?
Lemon: Sir, have you ever kissed a gentleman?
Metro Fiancée: One time in college... and a lot since then.
Dumpy Girl in Muumuu: My boyfriend has been acting really weird since he got promoted at his job--
Lemon: Yeah, he thinks he deserves a vajayjay upgrade. He doesn't. He's not Tom Brady. Shut it down. Deal breaker!
[Average-looking couple stand at microphone]
Lemon: Yeah, there's no such thing as bisexual. That's just something they invented in the '90s to sell hair products. Deal breaker!
[Woman and guy with snake around his neck stand at mic]
Lemon: Only one snake in the bedroom. Deal breaker!
[Shrimpy farmer-like guy and semi-serial killer-looking guy stand at mic]
Lemon: I think you guys are gonna make it.
One Argument for Gun Control
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, I think it's sad that you're still ashamed of that kid. That kid is you!
Tracy: Uh-uh! I've changed, Ken, into a badass adult. I have a wolf dog, and I have two bad knees, and a gun -- that I lost!
Rule #1 in the WASP Handbook
Jack: Milton, the Donaghys do not talk. We let things fester until they erupt in inappropriate anger, preferably during a wedding or elementary school graduation.
Saving Face
Milton: Can I come back week?
Jack: Okay, we can go to a Yankee game. I have great seats in the section between the players' wives and the players' mistresses. But I don't go on Bat Day.
Shoddy Shop Talk
Dr. Spaceman: [Spouts lots of medical jargon at Jack.] Now, in layman's terms... what do you think that means?
Jack: I don't know. Could I give this guy a kidney or not?
Dr. Spaceman: "Due to negative blood tissue mass, transplantation is not recommended." Damn it, is this written in Greek?!
Liberals Do Like to Throw Away Money, I Hear
Jack: Lemon, I'm giving Milton Green a kidney.
Lemon: You're a match?
Jack: No I'm not.
Lemon: Then where are you going to get a kidney from?
Jack: I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal -- the same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my dad a kidney.
Jenna: You should do a celebrity concert, like that gig I did to benefit old gays.
Jack: Yes! A benefit concert like "We Are the World" -- or "Weird Al" Yankovic's less successful parody benefit, "We Are the Pizza." Tell Pete to start building a set.
Lemon: Wait a minute, we have to do this?
Jack: Well, you found a way to do your day job and be on Vontella. Great job, by the way. I haven't seen so many riled-up dirtbags since CVS put the cold medicine behind the counter.
Dr. Baby Ruth
Lemon: I'm not sure I'm qualified to give relationship advice.
Jack: You're not. Suburban seventh graders have more sexual experience than you do, but that doesn't matter.
Lemon: Right! Because I'm helping people.
Jack: No, you're helping yourself, so make the most of this opportunity. After all, how many years does TGS have left?
Lemon: I don't know. Twenty?
Jack: [Laughs.] What do you think this is, Wings? You've got two more years... at best.
Deal Breaker, Pt. 2
Angie Jordan: Dr. Liz, we need some advice from the Deal Breaker Lady.
Lemon: I don't know if that's such a good idea. I know you, and I know your husbands--
Angie Jordan: I just found out Tracy has a secret credit card I didn't know anything about.
Lemon: Not on my watch, biatch.
Angie Jordan: And he's been using the credit card to pay for a hotel room here in New York two days a week.
Lemon: S that D. Shut it down. Deal breaker. Paula?
Paula Hornberger: Pete is refusing to drive to my parents' place for just two weeks of family vacation.
Lemon: No to the way to the José! But Paula? Talk it out before you walk it out.
Random Nordic Girl: And I'm here in New York while he's back in Hoglanderwin.
Lemon: Long distance is the wrong distance, Sue! Deal breaker!
Jenna: Mickey Rourke wants to take me camping!
Lemon: Deal breaker, Jenna! Gah!
Cerie: I haven't seen my fiancée in seven months.
Lemon: Cerie, I have two words for you: Ro-bot war-ning! Okay, that catch phrase needs a little work. Deal breaker!
Angie Jordan: Teach it like you preach it, Liz Lemon! Wooooo!
The Only Thing We Have to Fear... Is Tracy Jordan Himself
Tracy: I almost didn't make it here today, but then a very special friend showed me the way. [Kenneth beams.] So I'd like to thank Victor Cordova from the Sunoco station on Lenox Avenue! [Applause.] But there's another reason why I almost didn't come today: Fear. Fear of letting people know the real me. I have but one thing to say to all of you. Be yourself! And I'm talkin' to you clearly, gay kid.
Gay Kid: Who told?
Tracy: And you, white kid who's just trying to go unnoticed.
White Kid: Aw, come on!
Tracy: Just be yourself, and I guarantee you every single person in this room will one day be president of the United States! Thank you.
Principal: Tracy, before you go I have a special surprise for you.
Tracy: Okay, but I'm allergic to horses.
Her Book Should Be Called Keepin' It Real with the Deal Breaker Lady
Lemon: Cerie, I'm going out for a couple hours. I'm meeting a book agent about writing a Deal Breaker book. He's going to take me to lunch wherever I want to go. Do you know if there's a sit-down Quizno's in Midtown?
Deal Breaker Breakers
Pete: Liz Lemon, you dumb bitch! Here's the reason I don't want to go on that "family vacation." It's a working farm, and I'm the only one whose hands are big enough to guide the bull during mating.
Lemon: Yeah, well, deal breaker!
Pete: Shut up!
Tracy: There you are, you stupid cracker. You know why I get a hotel room? To poop in peace! No kids bangin' on the door. No phones ringin'. It's my time! Every Tuesday and Thursday at 3pm! I don't know why I only go twice a week. That's what Angie should be worried about!
Drink Milk... Just in Case
Jack: Lemon, how are you?
Lemon: You know what? I'm good. I have a book deal, a free sandwich in my pocket, and I have this weird loose feeling in my shoulders. What is that?
Jack: It's either happiness or osteoporosis. I think it's happiness. You're getting yours.
Watch the full episode here, then discuss this episode in our forums! Then check out our New Blerg Dictionary!