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Jack's quest for his father quickly devolves into Mamma Mia-style hijinks. Coincidentally, this is Lemon's wildest dream come true. Jack brings the three contenders -- some Asian guy, a man whose genitals were destroyed in WW2, and Alan Alda -- into his office under the ruse of a contest. It's pretty clear from the get-go who is Jack's father, which only makes it all the more unsettling when bio-pop turns out to be a liberal Jew. Despite Jack's instinctive reluctance to form family ties with his polar opposite, he presses onward. Father and son have an insta-reunion lasting about 30 seconds before bio-pop asks Jack for a kidney.
Tracy reconnects with fatherhood, as well, when he learns of his illegitimate son, Donald. Lemon and Pete immediately think the kid is scamming Tracy for money, which he claims he's using to open a karate dojo. And by "kid," I mean "man of at least 35," although it's hard to tell with those black-- shoes are the best! Just ask Lemon. The case against Donald only builds when Lemon and Pet spy him wrapping up half a muffin (no 21-year-olds do that!) and conning Kenneth out of 80 bucks for "magazine subscriptions." They send Lutz in to disprove his karate skillz. Lutz ends up on crutches. Plan B! Lemon tells Tracy frankly that Donald is a phony who, it turns out, is 40 years old -- one year older than Tracy. Tracy admits he knew about Donald's lies, but turned a blind eye to them because of all the good works Donald has done with his swindled money. No harm, no foul.
It's no harm, some fowl for the ladies tonight when Lemon writes Jenna's legacy-building catchphrase: "That's a deal breaker, ladies!" Bitter that Jenna isn't giving her any of the credit for this comedic pearl, Lemon crashes Jenna's Time Out New York photo shoot and prop-shticks her way to a solo cover shot. Naturally, this rankles Jenna, but Lemon's too pleased with her "giving birth to a rubber chicken on a toilet" photo to care.
Watch the full episode here, then discuss this episode in our forums. And see why vlogger Sean Crespo thinks 30 Rock is headed for Cheers territory in No Prior Knowledge!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jack's office. He congratulates Lemon on incorporating more catchphrases into TGS. One in particular, featured in a sketch in which Jenna dresses up (presumably) as Patti Stanger and finger-wag instructs, "That's a deal breaker, ladies!" has really caught on. There are T-shirts! Jack thinks this breakout turn of phrase will be huge for Jenna. Lemon insists it should be big for her, too, since she wrote the sketch, but Jack glosses over that fact. Lemon wonders if he has anything else he wants to talk about. When he holds his tongue, she brings up his daddy issues. He tells her he's resolved not to search for his father. She disagrees with this approach and warns him of the perils of not having a father figure in your life. If you're a Sim, for example, it's a one-way ticket to jumping up and down and peeing yourself.
Jack visits Tracy's dressing room to ask how he feels about not having a father figure in his life. Tracy thinks every man should have a father. This message has special resonance with him of late, because he just discovered he has a long-lost illegitimate son. Tracy says his lovechild tracked him down. At first he was shocked and scared, but it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to him.
Writers' room. Jenna boasts to the writers that Bret Michaels loves her "deal breaker" catchphrase. I'm sure there's a ticket for the gang-bang bus in the mail as we speak. Pete mentions that the guys on Sports Center even used it last night. Jenna practically squeals that she has finally secured a legit claim to fame. Lemon enters as Jenna gloats and has to remind Jenna that she actually wrote the line. As you might expect, it goes way over Jenna's head.
Tracy interrupts to announce that he has an illegitimate son. Yeah, there was a reporter in the room during that whole "dog in sidecar" analogy-cum-mano a mano conversation earlier. The story will hit newsstands in both Black Entrepreneur and Blunts magazine. Tracy notes that he just found out about his bastard son three years ago, and he's been supporting him financially ever since. As luck would have it, he's even brought him to the studio for a little meet-and-greet. Without further ado, Tracy introduces the world (or at least the TGS writers) to Donald Jordan. Though he's dressed the part, I believe that's grey hair I spy around his temples. And he looks not a thing like Tracy. Donald asks Tracy for $1,000, and Lemon eyes him suspiciously.
Jack's office. He welcomes Lenny P.I. in to discuss the search for his biological father. Instead, they talk about how near-suicidally depressed Lenny P.I. has been since his wife left him. Then Lenny P.I. hands him an envelope with his father's name and contact information. Jack looks at the envelope and gasps, "Oh God!"
Downstairs, Lemon and Pete compare notes on Donald Jordan. They agree that he is way too old to be Tracy's son. Toofer enters, and they have a supremely intellectual conversation about interracial age-telling. Conclusion: Either Tracy is 70 years old, or he is getting scammed.
Jack calls Lemon aside to go over the contents of the packet Lenny gave him. There are actually three names in the packet, because they need DNA to prove the rest. Lemon nearly wets herself with excitement as Jack's paternity hunt has now officially taken on the plotline of international film song-sation Mamma Mia. He chagrins how complicated family can be, but she can't hear him because she's busy planning ways to lure the three men to a Greek isle for singing on docks and such. There is a song-ending cannonball in our future, I fear. Jack thinks this is all too rich for his blood, but Lemon suggests that he bring the men to New York under the pretense that they won a contest. He reluctantly agrees.
Tracy's dressing room. Lemon and Pete visit to probe Tracy for his real age. He is 39 on paper, but is he 39 for real? They perform a surprisingly proficient, utterly white duet to that 1988 gem "It Takes Two" in service of the theory that everyone their age knows that song. They throw it to Tracy Don't Forget The Lyrics!-style when suddenly Kenneth appears and answers their hip-hop call. DJ Swine Flu has entered the hizzy, y'all. Tracy says he's not familiar with that song and then starts singing a ditty from, like, 1932. In her frustration, Lemon blurts out, "How old are you?!" Tracy confirms that he's 39. She asks how old he thinks Donald is. Donald appears to answer that he's a spry 21-year-old, just like the jacked-up birth certificate he printed out at Kinko's says. Donald asks for more money, this time to open a karate dojo. It's all very vague. Tracy entertains them with another song, this time sounding like it's from the times of King Arthur. Kenneth knows this one, too. After singing his faire song, Kenneth tells Lemon that the "contest winners have arrived." She is amped to meet her "three dads."
Jack's office. Lemon introduces the possible pops one by one. First up, George Park, a very nice Korean man. , Fred O'Dwyer, whose twigs and berries were blown to smithereens during World War 2. Finally, Professor Milton Green (Alan Alda!), who has that trademark Jack Donaghy rasp -- until he clears his throat. Jack OMGs to Lemon.
Downstairs. Pete apprises Lemon that Jenna is having a photo shoot with Time Out New York because they're naming her the "Funniest Woman in New York." Lemon: "What time do they need me to make her funny?" Looks like sour Lemon = sour grapes. Pete tries to pacify Lemon, saying that Jenna acknowledges her part in the writing. Lemon groans that she does all the work and gets none of the credit. Pete reminds her that this kind of grunt work is technically in the TGS non-performer contract. Lemon stands strong on crashing Jenna's photo shoot.
They head toward the kitchen, where they spy Donald wrapping up half a muffin to save for later. It's only more fuel for their fire as they conclude that this is decidedly not 21-year-old behavior. Meanwhile, the ostensibly predatory Donald hones in on Kenneth to sell him some magazine to benefit his... ummmm... community center. Kenneth signs up for four (any four will do) at the price of $80. He hands the cash to Donald, who promises to get Kenneth's address from Tracy. Lemon and Pete vow to stop Donald. Lemon is already working on getting a copy of his birth certificate. Pete nixes that option, so they decide to test Donald on his supposed karate expertise. Lutz just happens to know karate (and how to shove about 12 gummy worms in his mouth at once), so he offers to help. [Does he still have that wall-inflicted brain damage? It's kind of hard to tell. - Zach]
Upstairs, Jack continues the decidedly non-musical, non-hilarious bio-pop meet-up. He asks the three gentlemen if any of them have a history of mental illness in their families. That would be an affirmative for Private Spaghetti Privates. Long story short, workplace massacre. Milton says that his family members are horrifyingly self-aware to their last breaths. Jack asks about Milton's last name, probing whether he runs into a lot of other Greens at church, etc. Milton notes that his people are agnostic secular humanists as he walks over to Jack's picture of Tom DeLay and starts in on a rant about Republicans. Yep, Jack's bio-pop is a dyed-in-the-wool, liberal-to-the-core, homo-loving Commie bastard. Jack deems Milton a great disappointment, and they have a short yelling match that prompts Milton to storm out, yelling, "Screw you! And your fakakta contest!" Wouldn't you know it? He's a Jew to boot. This = Jack's personal nightmare.
Elsewhere, Lemon and Jenna pose for Time Out New York. Jenna tries to give Lemon tips on how to look appropriately Lohan-esque. Oh sweet Jesus, please don't let Lemon end up like this. [Please, Jesus, please let Lemon end up like that. - Z] The photographer brings out a box of props to get some wacky shots with Jenna. She direly warns Lemon not to go near that box because the one goofball shot will inevitably be the one they choose. The wheels in Lemon's head start turning as she weighs looking idiotic against ceding credit to Jenna. They head over to pose for pictures, and the photographer lobs a rubber chicken at Jenna. She stands her ground, so the photographer tells her the chicken would make a great cover. At hearing this, Lemon's face takes on the look of a buzzard circling a carcass. Cue hundreds of shots of Lemon in Groucho Marx glasses and slogan shirt doing all sorts of unholy things with a rubber chicken. Jenna stands on the sidelines hrmphing.
Back at 30 Rock. Green belt Lutz challenges Donald to a karate match. Results are predictably horrible for Lutz. Lemon and Pete cringe, yet also stand by and do nothing.
Later, Lemon asks Jack about his disastrous almost-reunion with Milton. Jack says more family means more aggravation, so he's walking away. Lemon thinks Jack will regret not welcoming Milton into his life. Jack counters that he could be rejected and regret the choice to let him in. Lemon agrees that that is a distinct possibility, but being Jack sans Papa isn't so bad. Still, he could tell Milton, and they could have a tearful, joyful new family life together. She assures him that those are the only two possibilities and that there will be no "weird third thing." Jack takes her words to heart and zings her like old times as he exits.
Lutz hobbles into the writers' room on his crutches as Lemon and Pete woe that they are no farther in their quest for the truth about Donald. That reminds Cerie to give them his birth certificate. Some sweet guy at the birth certificate place just gave it to her. For Cerie, Youth + Beauty = Open Doors to Identity Theft. Lemon beholds the birth certificate and rushes into Tracy's dressing room as he is writing yet another check. Only after she gets him to stop does she realize that it's a check for Dot-Com's birthday -- his 18th birthday. Moving on. Lemon shows Tracy Donald's birth certificate that proves he is too old to be Tracy's son. Tracy says he knew the whole time. Lemon's all, "Come again now?" Tracy says he has been inspired and heartened by Donald's story and has relished the opportunity to turn a hip-hopster grifter into budding entrepreneur and community organizer. Just then, Donald enters the room and invites Tracy to head uptown and see the dojo, a.k.a. The Tracy Jordan Institute for Black Karate.
Lemon heads outside and runs into Jenna, who is miffed that Lemon stole her magazine cover. Lemon's "birthing a chicken on the toilet" shot sealed the deal. Once Lemon sees the mortifying image, she realizes that Jenna wasn't only serving herself when she tried to advise Lemon on poses. Jenna says she hopes Lemon is happy with how much she has embarrassed herself. In fact, Lemon is pretty happy. She's on the cover of a magazine!
Elsewhere, Jack pulls Milton out of a studio tour to come clean. Jack asks Milton if he knows Colleen. Milton reminisces over their times together, and Jack tells him that he is his son. Milton immediately gets that the contest is "some Mamma Mia thing." Jack reiterates that he is Milton's son, and they have a teary reunion right out of the story books. Says Milton, "Fate has brought us together, Jack. You've opened a whole new chapter in my life. I need a kidney!" He goes in for a great big bear hug, encircling a now roped-in Jack with his love and failing organs. And that would be the "weird third thing" Lemon assured Jack would not come to pass. Get it? Pass? Like a kidney stone? Yeeeeeah...
Who's up for some jokes about ice chips and race relations and old people? I know I am!
Sounds Italian Enough for Me
Jack: You know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment, guilt, anger... Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights. Why would I want to invite more of it into my life? Why would I want more family?
Lemon: Because maybe he's awesome. Look, why don't you just ask your mother who it is?
Jack: No, not Colleen. She had her reasons for keeping this from me for 50 years, and I don't want her to relive it. Also, I want something really juicy to whisper to her on her death bed.
Deadbeat Dads & Demoralized Dogs
Tracy: Come on in, Jack, I'm just practicing sitting.
Jack: Tracy, why don't you ever try to find your father?
Tracy: Because he's dead.
Jack: How do you know?
Tracy: Because I'm rich, and if that man was alive, he'd be living in my pool house, and I'd be paying him $200,000 a year to mow my lawn.
Jack: Exactly. That's all family is: A drain.
Tracy: I feel like you're not telling me something, Jack. Let me guess. You bought a sidecar for your motorcycle, and your dog won't stay in it?
The Jenna Formerly Known As Lizzie Grubman
Jenna: This is it! This is the defining thing of my life. It's not going to be that hit-and-run!
Someone's Sexually Repressed!
Lenny: Thanks for meeting me here.
Jack: This is my office.
Lenny: I know, but once I'm in the building, I can get into the cafeteria. And that means free ice!
Deconstructing Age: African-American Edition
Lemon: There is no way that's Tracy's son, right? That guy is scamming him.
Pete: Maybe. Donald did look pretty old.
Lemon: I know... but I do have a hard time telling ages with Black--
Toofer enters
Lemon:...shoes are the best kind of shoes.
Toofer: How old do you think I am?
Pete: 50!
Lemon [same time]: 25!
Toofer: I am 33. How old do you think Samuel L. Jackson is?
Lemon: 50!
Pete [same time]: 25.
Toofer: Mr. Jackson is 61.
Lemon: Wow! Okay. What about this? Maybe Donald is Tracy's son because maybe Tracy is 60.
Pete: No, that's ridiculous.
Lemon: Think about it: He can't rap. He has diabetes. A lot of his friends are dead.
Pete: He falls asleep in chairs. He doesn't know how to use a computer. He's always mad at the TV!
Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.
Lemon: He might be 70!
Well, For Starters... You're in the Entertainment Industry
Lemon: Hey, Tracy, you're 39, right?
Tracy: Yeah, why would I lie about my age? I'm in the entertainment industry.
I Prefer "Spectacular & Marvelous!"
Donald: Heyyyyy... [reading badge] Kenny!
Kenneth: Well hello... stranger!
Donald: Do you like magazines?
Kenneth: I sure like S&M magazines. "S&M" is my abbreviation for "Super and Magical!"
A Glimpse of Hornberger
Pete: No, you can't get someone else's birth certificate. I know, because I've been trying to steal my dead neighbor's identity, because sometimes it feels like too much and maybe Daddy just needs to get in the car and driiiive.
Shout-Out to the MiddKids!
Milton Green: I will not be spoken to this way. I am a contest winner! And a professor at Bennington College!
Jack: Ohhhhhh, Bennington! How's that going? Teaching all those kids who couldn't get into Middlebury?
Just a Little Light Evening Entertainment
Lemon: Jack, what did you say to Milton? If Cornel West wasn't speaking at the New School tonight, I think he would have left.
Father Woes Best
Jack: Milton Green and I are nothing alike. I have one scotch with the guy, and it devolves into a screaming match about Tom DeLay.
Lemon: So you have a couple drinks, fight about politics, and then you take it personally when he doesn't agree with you? That's called "having a dad," Jack.
You're The Con That I Want!
Tracy: Liz Lemon, I may hug people too hard and get lost at malls... but I'm not an idiot.
Lemon: Then why are you giving him all this money to him?
Tracy: When I met Donald, he was fast-talking charmer from the wrong side of the tracks. He reminded me of someone, Liz Lemon -- John Travolta's character from Grease... and me!
As All Great Romances and Bastards Begin
Jack: Milton, do you remember a woman named Colleen Donaghy?
Milton: Sure. That takes me back a few years.
Jack: 1958?
Milton: Right! She rented me a room when I was a graduate student. One month I couldn't pay, so she said maybe there was something else I could give her... so I gave her my radio. Then, a couple weeks later, we got drunk and had sex.
Watch the full episode here, then discuss this episode in our forums. And see why vlogger Sean Crespo thinks 30 Rock is headed for Cheers territory in No Prior Knowledge!