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Jack and Liz go ring shopping so he can propose to Elisa the right way. He coins a new term, saying Elisa's "the one." He buys a ring, but before he can propose, Elisa confesses to Liz that she has a huge secret and can't go through with the wedding. She can't tell Jack, though, so Liz needs to. But as Liz might be about to do so, Elisa storms in, all in love with Jack again, and tells Liz not tell. Soon enough, a maid tells us she's La Viuda Negra, which basically means she killed her ex-husband because he cheated on her. So, Jack goes clubbing with Tracy to make sure he won't cheat. He won't, but since Elisa followed him around and back to Liz's (where she was eating -- and singing about -- night cheese), he breaks up with her anyway.
Tracy is trying to find the perfect gift for his "the one," his wife Angie. Oh, and he made up "the one" after watching The Matrix. These guys are so original. It's been twenty years since he met her and he's deciding between a denim jacket that says "Hot Bitch" or a Slanket. Liz tells him to ask Angie what she wants (she benefits, too, because she gets both gifts). He does, and Angie wants Tracy to get a tattoo of her face and her name. He doesn't want to, because it will ruin his cred with the ladies at the clubs, since he's always lifting up his shirt so everyone would see it. Dot Com suggests he add a mane to Angie's face and some letters to make it Tangiers, a lion. You know, like the Moroccan soccer mascot. That's the tattoo he ends up with, on his back.
Jenna also finds "the one" -- a hot paramedic who comes to help Lutz after he freaked out at a mouse and ran into a wall. The paramedic gives Lutz his number for Jenna, but Lutz, concussed, eats it. Jenna keeps giving Kenneth strawberries (since he's allergic) to get her paramedic back. It works the third time, and she gets her date. But since he has a kid, she "Pffffts" him with a big thumbs-down.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!This is my first time weecapping this show, and I must admit right up front that's a little daunting. It might be difficult to snark on a show that's this funny to begin with. I wouldn't know. (Sorry Earl, but you know it's true.) I'm about to find out. Here we go. NBC announcer guy says the Sheinhardt Wig Company invites me to stick around for an all new episode of 30 Rock. I think I will, then.
We open on the streets of New York, as we so often do. Jack and a very casually dressed (even for Liz) Liz enter a jewelry store. Jack tells the guy behind the counter he's looking for an engagement ring. The guy looks at Liz, who smiles dorkily. The guy asks Jack, "Are you sure?" Jack is. The guy goes to get rings, and Liz tells Jack he should have had a ring the first time he proposed to Salma, so she wouldn't say no. Jack says she didn't say "no"; she said "let's think about it." In Liz's experience, "Let's think about it" usually ends up with her watching Solid Gold in her basement on prom night. Awww, poor Liz Lemon. [Isn't this her second reference to a bad prom experience? - Zach] Jack says he's thought about it, and hasn't changed his mind. In fact, he's coined a new term to describe what Salma is to him: "the one." Liz is all, "The one?" He's all, yeah, as in "the only one for me; the one I'm meant to be with." Liz tells him he should be a writer. The guy with the rings returns, and Liz is all, "Check out the bling!" Then she tries on a ring and it's stuck so it flies off when she finally frees it. As she crawls around looking for it, the clerk tells Jack she's "very spirited. Like a show horse," and Jack's so lucky. Jack clarifies the situation, and the guy says that, in that case, he'll take him to the real show room. Hee. Liz doesn't even rate a real jewelry show room. Which makes sense, because she's now howling about her finger being caught in a vent.
At 30 Rock, Liz asks Kenneth where her Sno-Balls are. She's going to the gym later, so she deserves a treat. Kenneth says they can't have coconut products around anymore because of staff allergies. She says allergies are psychosomatic. The only reason she's allergic to dogs is because one bit her the first time she got her period. Ew. TMI! Kenneth says, no, they're actually real. If he has a strawberry, his throat shuts up faster than a girl in math class. You know, because girls are dumb at math! Jenna, who's joined them, says that if her cousin eats a walnut, her throat shuts up faster than a Filipino at a ... But Liz interrupts to stop the offensiveness.
Frank walks up to leave a doughnut box on the counter, and Kenneth tells him no more leaving food out. Frank says it's not food, just a mouse in a doughnut box. (Duh!) Toofer nods approvingly, and Liz asks if they're pranking Lutz. Hearing his name, Lutz walks up, and says, "Awesome! Doughnuts!" Then he sees the mouse, freaks, runs into the wall, falls over, and the flat-screen TV on the wall falls after him. That's prank perfection right there.
Tracy's with Dot Com and some other guy I've never seen. He tells Liz they've narrowed down his 20th-anniversary gift for Angie (it's the anniversary of the night they met). Tracey reminisces: "She was working at the Dyker Heights Arthur Treacher's, and I was residing there. She slipped me a free shrimp combo, and we've been together ever since." So the gift has to be special. He's narrowed it to a denim jacket that says "Hot Bitch" in diamonds, or a Slanket. Liz says Angie doesn't want that, and Tracy should ask her what she wants. Tracy says Liz is smart, like a genetically engineered shark (or, you know, a person), so he has a gift for her. Dot Com tosses her the Hot Bitch jacket, and she asks for the Slanket, too, please.
Liz walks into her office and sees Salma. She yells, panicked, "Puerto Rican!" Salma's all, "That's interesting." Liz asks when Salma got back from her homeland. Salma admits it was three weeks ago, but she doesn't know what to do about Jack, because she's afraid he's going to go through "with his proposings of marriage." She apologizes for talking like that, but she hasn't spoken English in "two minces." Liz asks if she's saying she doesn't want to go through with his proposings. Doesn't she love him? She says she does, which is why she calls him "El Uno," but she cannot marry him because of a terrible secret. Liz says she doesn't want to know, but then asks, "Are you a man?" Salma's like, "Really? That's your guess?!" She asks if Liz would like to see her naked, and Liz sort of does. Salma loves Jack so much that she doesn't have the strength "to tell it to his head," so she was hoping Liz would. Liz says no, but Salma thanks her for doing what she cannot. She tells Liz goodbye forever and kisses her on the lips before storming out. Liz totally sees why Jack's in love now.
Lutz is in the background with his head wrapped, concussion-style as Pete tells Frank and Toofer he hopes they learned their lesson, since "we almost lost a monitor." Poor Lutz rates below the monitor. Jenna's talking to a paramedic, who's a big fan. She can't believe he's such and isn't gay or at least bi-curious. He doesn't know what to tell her, other than that he loves her show, reads her blog and has all her albums -- even the one she did with Phil Spector. Jenna thinks that one would have sold better if he'd shot her in the face. The paramedic sort of seductively tells her he's glad she didn't get shot in the face. She thanks him über-seriously. He says that if he had, he would have liked to get that call. She thinks that would have been nice. Cerie comes up to tell Jenna that US Weekly is calling to confirm a story that Jenna's animal rescue shelter is supplying quesadilla meat to amusement parks. Jenna has to call her lawyer. She asks the paramedic not to leave. As soon as she leaves, the other paramedic comes up and says they have to get out of this place, since he stole some pens. Hot paramedic gives Lutz his number to give to Jenna. He asks if Lutz is okay, then leaves. Lutz eats the phone number.
Jack's pouring a drink in his office when Liz walks in and asks if he has a sec. Jack tells her it's over; it's over before it started. Liz apologizes, but is glad it didn't have to come from her. He asks what she's talking about, and she asks what he's talking about. He was talking about Wig-Go.com, Sheinhardt's user-generated video content site. They were forced to shut down because all anyone ever posted were penises. He asks what she wanted to talk about. She beats around the bush, trying to figure out how to say it, when Salma comes in and calls Jack "Mi amor," and says, "Let's get married." He's going to get them a celebration table at Plunder. While he's on the phone, Salma asks Liz not to tell him anything. Liz says Salma has to. They pretend they're happily hugging.
Jenna's dramatically singing "Don't Cry Out Loud" in Pete's doorway. He asks if she's okay, and she says she didn't see him there; she's totally fine. She sings louder. He asks if she's sure she doesn't want to talk. She says it's kind of none of his business, but okay. She says she met a cute paramedic, who thinks she's incredible, so they're perfect for each other. But he left before she could get his name. Pete thinks they could find out, but she says calling 911 did nothing to help. He says this reminds him of a book he read once. Jenna's already bored and tries to leave, but he stops her, and says there's a question used to identify sociopaths: A woman goes to her mother's funeral, where she meets the perfect man. It's love at first sight. But he leaves before she finds out who he is. So... what does she do to see him again? Jenna: "She kills her father, hoping he'll come to her funeral too." Pete says that's "correct" (you know, for a sociopath). She thanks him for the advice, which wasn't advice. But then she stops and says she'd also have to kill her father's doorman and Pete for giving her the idea in the first place. Pete looks scared, but Jenna laughs and he does, too. Until she gets serious.
Tracy storms into Liz's office, where she's sitting in her Slanket. Tracy calls her a dummy, and she says, "I'm wearing it as a joke." He asked Angie what she wants for their anniversary, and she wants a tattoo of her name and a picture of her face on his chest. He can't have it there, scaring off beautiful women in the clubs. He likes to socialize, and Liz knows his signature move with the ladies. It's taking off his shirt. We get a shirtless Tracy (both Jordan and Morgan) montage. Tracy says he now has a Sophie's Choice: He can't get the tattoo, and he can't tell her no. Not exactly Sophie's Choice there, Trae. She asks if he wants her to be sorry she's making it harder for him to cheat on his wife. He says that's a start.
Kenneth is preparing to eat his sandwich, as Jenna's lurking in a doorway watching. He takes a bite and starts gasping, "Strawberries!" As he falls, he says, "My real name is Dick Whitman." I love that this show doesn't want to be so obvious as to have that shout-out in the episodes that Jon Hamm was actually in, but waits for it. Kenneth collapses and Jenna hollers for someone to call the cute guy at 911.
Jack asks Liz if Salma said anything at all to her about a secret... desire to keep her maiden name. Liz says no. Jack would like her to be Elisa Donaghy, but if she wants to be "Elisa Padrera Donaghy," that's okay, too. The Latina maid hears the name and says Salma's La Viuda Negra. Liz blurts that Salma has a terrible secret. Liz thinks she's the mother of Michael Jackson's kids. Now that would be a terrible secret.
After a commercial break, Liz and Jack are searching for information online, but all the sites are in Spanish. Jack would like to call the cleaning lady back. He says they need somebody who speaks Spanish. Salma's come in, and she says she does. Jack: "La Viuda Negra!" Liz: "Puerto Rican!" Salma says, "Really, Lemon?" Then she tells Jack she'll explain. Jack assures her there's nothing she can say to change the way he feels. She removes her jacket to reveal a "What the Frak?!" shirt and says she's sorry to tell him such a dark tale while wearing such a silly shirt. [Putting her and her two biggest assets into that T-shirt instantly qualified this show for nerd newsworthiness. Well played, Show. - Z] She says she was married once, and she killed her husband. She says it was a crime of passion, since he cheated. She took her revenge. She says she's Catholic, so she takes the bond of marriage very seriously. He asks why she's not in jail. She says the case was thrown out, since she couldn't get an impartial jury after the song about her came out. We see a Mariachi band saying "La Viuda Negra." She's glad he knows and understands if this changes everything. She leaves. Jack turns to Liz and says, "My God. I already put my wedding announcement in Cigar Aficionado.
Dot Com's suggesting that Tracy get the tattoo, but when he hits the clubs, he draws a mane and some extra letters to make it look like a lion named TAngiers. Tracy sarcastically says that's a great idea... if he wants everyone to think he owns a gay lion. Griz: "No judgment in brainstorming." Good call, Griz! Tracy yells that this is his reputation, so they need to use their heads. Then he leaves. Dot Com explains the Moroccan national soccer team is the Lions, and Tangiers is in Morocco, so he was actually using his head.
Liz asks Jack if he's ever met anyone who killed somebody. She thinks his grandpa might have, but he never liked to talk about what happened at... Kent State. I'm not sure that's appropriate, but whatever. Jack still wants to marry Salma, because nobody's perfect (he gives the example that someone, somewhere, is dating Monica Lewinsky), and he's 50. He says that's like 32 for ladies. He wonders how many more like Salma he'll meet. Liz says she doesn't understand men. Jack: "Nobody ever said you did, Lemon."
Jenna asks the paramedics helping Kenneth where the cute paramedic from last night is. They say if he was there at night, he must work the evening shift.
Jack comes in to Liz's office, where she's once again wearing the Slanket. She says, "It's not product placement! I just like it!" I'm glad she answered that without me having to ask. Heh. Jack asks what if he marries Salma and accidentally cheats. He says she could snap again, since she's passionate. Liz's suggestion: Don't cheat. He says you never know, because he could get trapped in a snow cave fantasy. Liz says she just doesn't get guys. He says that's not being disputed, but his options for male advice are limited. He opens the door to show her the male writers (who are debating getting hats with feathers in them to celebrate their pranksterism), and says she's the closest thing to a dude around here. She tells him he needs to find a snow cave fantasy and see what happens.
, Jack's in Tracy's office. He tells Tracy about Salma's murder, and Tracy tells him to continue. Jack says he loves her, but needs to be tested and see if he strays. Tracy says he'll take Jack out tonight and he'll be tested like Jesus in the Wilderness. Then explains: Jesus is his stereo guy and the Wilderness is a club.
Frank storms in to Jenna's office and says Kenneth passed out again. She's in a robe, but she rips it off to reveal a cute dress and says, "Oh no! I can't believe this is happening during night shift!" They run out and see a paramedic working on Kenneth, but not Jenna's paramedic. Pete says Kenneth somehow ate strawberries again and is going into "acute strawberry shock." Jenna asks if that's a thing. The EMT says they have to cut off Kenneth's hands, and he'll have to use his feet to urinate with. Jenna jumps in and says it's her fault. She poisoned him. She leans in and apologizes to him dramatically. Kenneth sits up and says he thinks Jenna's had enough. Jenna asks if this is a trick, then says she knew it and was playing along. Then: "Seriously. What's happening?" Pete asks if she feels genuine remorse. She does, so he downgrades her from sociopath to extreme narcissist. She smiles at that news, like the extreme narcissist she is. They tell her to quit it with the strawberry stuff, and Toofer says "Or you might, once again, feel the righteous wrath of... the Pranskmen." They all put on fedoras with feathers. Jenna: "Is that a thing?"
At a club, Tracy and Jack are getting hit on by some cute ladies. Jack says this is decadent, and he once went to Miami with Darryl Strawberry. (I am sensing a strawberry theme.) Tracy says it's the tip of the iceberg. He says she can have all of this or he can marry Salma. Jack says he loves Salma, but Tracy loves his wife too, right? Tracy says of course he does; she's "the one." Jack asks where Tracy heard that, and Tracy says he made it up after watching The Matrix. Jack says Salma's his "one," but he sometimes thinks men like them aren't built for marriage. Tracy leans in to tell Jack his terrible secret: In the 20 years he's known Angie, he's never cheated. He tells Jack not to look at him. Jack can't believe it. Tracy says the partying's for show, and because he's a high-functioning alcoholic. He says the phone numbers he hands out aren't even his. We cut to a phone ringing and Brian Williams answering. He says, "No, this isn't Tracy Jordan," then listens and says, "Really? I've not heard of that term before. Do you know how to get to Connecticut?" He's totally going to get freaky. Tracy says if he can do it, so can Jack. Jack wonders what's wrong with himself. He says if her only flaw is she demands he be faithful, he'll be faithful. Tracy says he's getting the tattoo and then gets a lady to pay his tab.
Jenna admits to putting strawberry juice in everything of Kenneth's, including his water. She's sorry, but wouldn't do it to him for just any guy. She thought the paramedic was "the one." She says it hurts more than her foot botox (what? why?) to know he's out there and she can't find him. Kenneth tells her, when she calls 911, to tell them they have to send everyone. ["EVVVREEEEEEONNEE!" - Gary Oldman in The Professional] He takes a drink of the water and says, "Earn this," as he collapses. Jenna calls him a remarkable sonofabitch, then calls 911.
Liz is in her Slanket, cutting cheese and eating it and singing, "Working on my night cheese!" There's a knock at the door. She sees Jack in the peephole, opens the door and asks if he knows what time it is, since she was sound asleep. He says, "I heard you singing: 'Night Cheese.' " He tells her he's been having a crazy night, and we see a hand stop the door as Liz thinks she's closed it behind Jack. Jack tells Liz he went out clubbing with Tracy, whose life is like Enron 1999. Salma butts in that she's sure it was. Liz asks how she's so quiet when her parades are so loud. Salma yells at Jack for going out and partying with "that black guy!" Liz asks if Salma didn't come here with Jack, and he asks if she's been following him. She keeps raging about him then going to Liz's at 4 a.m.! She knew Jack and Liz's relationship was too weird not to be sexual. She picks up Liz's cheese knife. Jack thinks it's insane that Salma would think he'd cheat with Liz. Liz is all, "Yeah, look at me," and strikes an unflattering pose. Salma sort of gasps. Jack says he went out to prove he wouldn't cheat, and then came to Liz's because she's his bro.
Salma's upset at herself for having a ring on her finger for a day and acting like Glenn Close in Attracion Fatal. Liz says it has a whole different title here (or... the same one in a different language). Salma turns to Liz and says, "Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?" Liz sulks off, and I would say that's the best line of the episode, but then there is what comes . She says she loves too deeply and, eventually, "It makes me loco for Choco Puffs." It's sort of the way she says it that's so awesome. I had no idea Salma Hayek was this funny. Jack tells her if she ever finds herself less in love with him, she should call. But if tonight's what they're going to be like, it's not going to work out. She says that wasn't a great breaking-up speech, but he blames that on her English. She gives the ring back, and they hug. Liz sneaks in in her Slanket and takes her cheese board.
At 30 Rock, Liz sees Jenna and says she looks happy. She wonders if Jenna settled the lawsuit over her exercise tape, but Jenna says it's even better: She had an amazing date last night, all thanks to Kenneth. Kenneth says it was nothing. Sure, he was dead for five minutes, but he did it for true love. Jenna says that actually, paramedic has full custody of his five-year-old son, so "Pfffft." She walks off and Kenneth looks annoyed. Liz asks if he was dead. He says he's fine, but thinks he brought something back with him. At his desk, a shadow passes over him, and we can see his breath, as if it suddenly got very cold.
Liz runs into shirtless Tracy and asks what's up. He says he might have had too much to drink last night, but she'll be proud, because he got the tattoo Angie wanted him to get. He calls Liz, "Liz Lemon Cool J," which is awesome. He shows her his back, which has the Tangiers lion tattoo instead of the Angie one. He asks how Liz likes him now. She doesn't answer before he walks off, but I think she doesn't. As we get our "Lorne Michaels" credit, she says, "Wow, that is one gay lion."
Watch the episode here, then discuss it in our forums. And see why vlogger Sean Crespo thinks 30 Rock is headed for Cheers territory in No Prior Knowledge!