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Lemon can't return to work until she completes sexual harassment rehab with smarmy, bad-joke-telling HR minion Jeffrey Weinerslave. [Unlike Dr. Spaceman, his name is pronounced just like it looks. - Zach] She starts jonesin' pretty bad for the TSG crazy train, until she meets a Lady Who Lunches, who offers a few new addictions: spa-ing, shopping and boozing, specifically. She gets so accustomed to being a woman of leisure that she sexually harasses Weinerslave to avoid returning to work. Jack tries to convince her that this life of flat-ironed hair and yogalates is unsustainable for a go-getter like her, but Lemon brushes off his warnings... until she learns that the first rule of socialite life is you don't talk about socialite life. Yeah, the divorcées formed a Flight Club. Lemon and her black eyes return to TGS quickly thereafter.
Jenna's Janis Joplin (or, as they are legally bound to call her, Jackie Jormp-Jomp) biopic is derailed, so she and Jack go to a kiddie awards show to stir up some publicity. A miscommunication lands Jenna in the "In Memoriam" reel, so Jack seizes on the idea that, like, Tupac Shakur, Jenna will be exponentially more popular in death than in life. His plan goes swimmingly until Jenna spots her real birth date on an RIP placard and hijacks her own TGS memorial show to sing a Gaga-esque acoustic version of "Muffin Top."
In totally relegated C-plot, the staff (thanks to Lemon) has to conform to the company's sexual harassment policies. This causes some friction between Kenneth and Dot-Com when they both pursue Sheinhardt-approved relationships with the same dancer on TGS. Tracy intervenes and fires the girl, which causes the other dancers to become angry and strike just hours before the show. Since Lemon isn't around to clean up his mess, Tracy hires some trannies to dance. Everybody wins!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on a bunch of Lester Molesters and Lemon. She's muddling through her GE-mandated sexual harassment rehab since her fruitless attempt to barter sex for money. She testily asks HR minion Jeffrey Weinerslav (pronounced exactly as you think) how she can speed up the process and get back to work. Instead of answering her, he riffs on her question to provide a for-example of what Sheinhardt Universal considers work-appropriate. Lemon rolls her eyes while some crazy redhead cackles away, scheming how she can become Mrs. Weinerslav, if you know what I mean.
Elsewhere, Jack enters Jenna's dressing room to talk to her about her Janis Joplin biopic. Jenna is overjoyed because she immediately thinks that the producers got Janis's life rights and can use her real name now, instead of Jeana Jimplin. Au contraire says Jack. They couldn't even get that name, so now the character will be called "Jackie Jormp-Jomp." Jack gets to the point -- focus group screenings of the film have been met with resounding disapproval. Something to do with having no rights to Janis Joplin's name or music? Not even Jackie's Obama-predicting "Woodstocks" duet with Jimi Hendrix could save it! Realizing the box office of Sing Dem Blues, White Girl: The Jackie Jormp-Jomp Story is at stake, Jack advises Jenna she needs to stir up some buzz for the movie. Realizing her Oscar nomination is at stake, Jenna agrees. She even offers to leak a sex tape. Jack says it'll be simpler than that. She can attend the Kids' Choice Awards to talk up the project. Jenna agrees to set aside her Cheetah Girl feud for that one day. Credits.
Down the hall, Kenneth catches Lemon sneaking into work. He sees the frenzy in her eyes and pulls out his rape whistle. She tries to talk him down, but the shrilling has already begun. Jack intervenes, telling Lemon that she's supposed to go home after her "pervert seminars." Lemon admits that she misses the craziness because being home is worse. Jack acknowledges a kindred spirit in Lemon. They are both Type A personalities that need stress to function. Lemon reluctantly agrees and makes her way back home.
In the writers' room, Frank and the others groan about the new company-enforced sexual harassment rules. They specifically take issue with a stipulation that all office relationships must be declared. Kenneth lets slip that he hasn't read the rules, thanks to a certain frisky Today Show co-anchor. And I'm not talkin' about Lauer and, surprisingly, not Kathie Lee, either. Frank spies Cerie and starts acting strange.
We join Lemon in mid-jabber with the first of a series of doormen, all of whom have increasingly obvious eye rolls. Lemon doesn't care, she's desperate. Finally, a woman from her building comes out from the elevator, and they strike up a conversation about the vending machines and fitness center that Lemon didn't even realize her building had, thanks to her crazy hours. Emily notices that Lemon seems a little lost. They commiserate over the life of a high-powered business woman, what with their bathroom stall lunches, candy drawers, and decoy candy drawers. But, there's hope, says Emily. When you take time off, you realize there are much better ways to fill your days. Lemon follows her to the fitness center.
Back at 30 Rock, Kenneth scampers into Jack's office to announce his intentions to marry one of the TGS dancers, as is required by the sexual harassment policy. Never mind that he's never even talked to her. Jack snarks that he'll be sure to mention it at the board meeting. Kenneth thanks him and leaves with this little tattling tidbit: "Also, sir, I don't know if this is sexual harassment but somebody at The Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her." Annnnnd, payoff (see below). As Kenneth walks out, he spots Dot-Com walking in with the dancer, looking to disclose their relationship. Kenneth, ever the naïf, grimaces that he will not be able to attend their wedding.
Back at Lemon's building, the Ladies Who Lunch are introducing her to the Good Life. Their itinerary goes a little something like this: boozing, beauty, boozing, Bergdorf's, boozing, Botox, and, finally, boozing. Lemon says she'll just have one drink, then go because it's Friday and she'd be too stressed to enjoy the day of relaxation. Cue shifting sequence of Lemon, in fact, joining in on all of these things, all while talking about how obsessed with work she is. Before she knows it, it's midnight, and she's missed the show. She seems pretty pleased about it, though.
Over at The Kids' Choice Awards, Jenna and Jack stroll the red carpet. She offers a nipple slip for the cause, but Jack just wants her to talk about the movie. She starts talking to a child reporter, regaling him with her fashion (Taylor Dayne for Express), but the interview is hijacked by Dora the Explorer's Backpack before she can discuss Jackie Jormp-Jomp.
Back at 30 Rock, Kenneth brings Tracy and his crew their food. He pointedly tells Dot-Com that he forgot his extra mustard. Tracy stands up and screams at them something to the tune of "Stop the insanity! Why can't we all just get along?!" Kenneth explains that Dot-Com hurt him, so he's hurting Dot-Com right back. Dot-Com apologizes, and they mend their fences rather quickly, but Tracy is on a rampage. He decides to take action, even though Lemon specifically told Kenneth to be on high alert for such shenanigans. Long story short, the dancer gets fired.
Back at The Kids' Choice Awards, Jenna is fuming that no one at the event cares about her. Helen Mirren interrupts her hissy fit to present the evening's "In Memoriam" montage -- and get slimed in an elegant fashion befitting a Dame -- when who should appear on said reel but Jenna. Jack thinks back and realizes that a miscommunication with a pint-sized producer brought this series of events about. Jenna, whose chief accomplishment according to the reel is "Former Mouseketeer," thinks this is a disaster. Jack, however, is pleased as punch because an idea has taken hold beneath those thick tresses of his. Later, he sneaks a coat-covered Jenna into her dressing room, where he explains to her that this unexpected death could translate into major ticket sales for her movie -- just as premature death proved to be gold for Tupac Shakur and Janis Joplin herself. Jack tells her to remain "dead" while he pimps out the movie. She assures him she can.
Another day, over in HR, Jeffrey Weinerslav congratulates Lemon and her newly acquired Rich Bitch Sunglasses on finishing the sexual harassment recovery program. She hesitantly takes her certificate and cringes a bit while noting that she can go back to work as soon as the day. Weinerslav takes it upon himself to warn her about all the stress that awaits her there, lest she fall back on old habits. He asks if she has any questions. Lemon snaps back, "Just one: Why don't you drop those Dockers and give me a piece of that sweet ass?" That ought to get her a one-way ticket to the Good Life, for sure. She breezes back into Emily's apartment and asks what's on tap. They toast to "More of the same!" Commercials.
When we return, Lemon is full-on Stepford as she chats with Jack on the phone. The hair is styled, and there is a tangerine sweater set. Lemon proudly notes that she'll be out of work for another six weeks, thanks to her run-in with Weinerslav. Jack's all, "Who are you and what have you done with my Lemon?" He says he's going to call HR and get her back in time for the show. He's too busy capitalizing on Jenna's tragic demise to take care of things at the show. They swap Indigo Girls lyrics as Lemon regales Jack with the amazing life that her new friends lead. She promises to come back to the show in two to four years, depending on whether she gives up cable. Jack tells her she's living in a fantasy and that their lives are actually filled with despair. She starts to explain why he's wrong but is distracted by a spider in her yoga mat.
Out in the hall, Kenneth and Dot-Com confront Tracy on his rash decision to fire the dancer. They say the other dancers have gone on strike out of solidarity for her. Tracy realizes that right about now would usually be when Lemon cleans up his mess. Since she's gone, he opts to say something cryptic and go take a nap. At that same time, Pete asks Kenneth if the dancers have arrived. Jack interrupts to bring Pete in on his Dead Jenna scheme. He tells Pete to put together some sort of tribute for Jenna. As luck would have it, Pete says they have an obituary reel from back in the day when Jenna was dating (and cheating on) a mobster.
Meanwhile, Lemon and her Heathers-like girlfriends in color-designated athletic wear enjoy a morning smoothie and discuss the finer points of what day of the week it is.
Back at the studio, Kenneth stresses to Tracy that they need to tell Pete about the dancers' strike. Tracy tells him no need because he's found all new dancers. He opens the door to the most busted-up collection of trannies this side of AC. They show Kenneth a disinterested series of rump-shaking dance moves that they "worked on" with Tracy.
Back at Emily's, Lemon shows the girls how much her flexibility has improved thanks to yoga and massages five days a week. On a scale of 1-10, she's still at about a -3, but, you know, baby steps! Emily points out how Lemon is a transformed woman, no longer worrying about work. Lemon laughs about how Jack warned her that she would crumble under the boredom of this lifestyle. The ladies admit that, indeed, they have needed to seek out other avenues of stimulation. Lemon ventures that they're talking about Sudoku or charity work. Nope, they say, punching each other in the face. Lemon realizes she wasn't made for this life, but they still make her fight for her way out.
We join TGS: In Memory of Jenna Maroney in progress. Off stage, Jack is sealing the deal on Sing Dem Blues, White when he finds Jenna in a not-so-secret hiding place, admiring herself being admired. They cut to commercial, and she starts to say that it's the greatest night of her life (with no irony whatsoever) until she notices a massive poster that shows her real birth date. She freaks out that people will realize she's actually 40. Jack tries to pacify her, telling her the movie will be sold in 12 hours. She slinks back, perhaps mollified. The show returns with a classical-tinged retool of "Muffin Top" featuring the Tracy Jordan Dancers. Over the speakers, we hear Jenna scuffling for a mic, only to appear on her own memorial service. The gays in the audience clap and smile, the trannies shake their money-makers, and Jenna rises like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Just then, Lemon runs in and happily beholds the melee that has set in during her absence. Later, she grins like a maniac as she chews Tracy and Jenna out for yet another week of tomfoolery. Tracy calls her crazy, and they run out. She triumphantly posts her Anti-Sexual Harassment School diploma on the door. It's good to be back!
Also back? Jokes.
One Night in Jenna
Jack: Jenna, Sheinhardt-Universal does not want to release the picture.
Jenna: And how will that affect my Oscar chances?
Jack: Adversely unless we get independent distribution. To do that, Sing Dem Blues, White Girl: The Jackie Jormp-Jomp Story has got to get some buzz. I need your help for that.
Jenna: Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one. It's night vision, and you can see his buddy is robbing me.
Jack: No, Jenna, I want you on the PR warpath. There's a red carpet. I want you on it, talking up the movie, starting Monday.
Jenna: The Kids' Choice Awards? Fine. I'll set aside my feud with Raven-Symone for one day. But she knows what she did!
So That's What The Civil Rights Movement Was About?
Pete [dragging Tracy to studio]: You have to rehearse!
Tracy: No! Passive resistance! I learned that from Dr. King. I'm brave!
How Can You Do Better Than K.D. Lang?
Jack: Remember that time I came back from the World Economic Forum with Mono and missed a week of work, and I wanted to pull out my hair, but I couldn't because it's too thick? People like us, we need the stress. We're only happy when we're overcoming obstacles. You take that away, we start bouncing off the walls, spend our days jabbering at doormen.
Lemon: Hey! I brighten their day! Before I go, can I at least find out what Frank's hat says?
Jack: "Constant Craving."
Lemon: He could do better.
There's a "Balls" Joke Somewhere in There
Frank: Has anyone looked at this sexual harassment stuff they gave us?
Tracy: I don't need to. The whole thing is loosely based on an evening I spent with Isiah Thomas.
They Call Her "The Cougar"
Frank: Have you read this?
Kenneth: Well, I wanted to because it's full of rules. But Miss Vieira made me throw it away and said pretty boys like me shouldn't be filling their heads with ideas.
Conversations with My Doorman
Lemon: We have a saying that "Laughter is the best medicine," so I'm kind of like a doctor here -- like you were in Poland!
[new door(wo)man arrives]
Lemon: We have a show tonight. I've never missed a show -- not even the time I had that virus they kept saying only raccoons get. I can't believe I'm not there.
[Door opens, and door(wo)man scurries off to carry her groceries]
Lemon: Hey! I've picked up some Polish from you guys. [Jovially screams Polish for "Please shut up, lady!"]
Gives New Meaning to Lunch "On the Go"
Lemon: I'm on leave right now for normal reasons.
Emily: And you're feeling a little lost?
Lemon: I am! Right now I should be standing in a toilet stall so nobody bothers me while I eat lunch. God, I miss it!
Page by Day, Craniometrist by Night
Jack: I am not your immediate supervisor. There are perhaps 40 people between us. Pete, for instance.
Kenneth: Ohhhh, I just don't trust Mr. Hornberger, sir. He has a ridge on the section of the skull associated with deviousness.
Secrets of the Very Fabulous
Lemon: Oh, what's the special occasion?
Emily [hands her a glass of champagne]: A weekday.
Lemon: Wow, so this is normal? This is like your version of sweat pants and Pop-Tarts? Not too shabz.
Lyle: Short for shabby. Huh-larious!
Emily: This could be your life, too, Liz. Just short the housing market.
Erin: Or write a cookbook specifically for mixed-race children.
Jenny: Or marry a rich old dude who dies. Clive, I wanna say?
Lyle: Or have mild Lupus and great insurance.
Ironically, She Still Looks Younger Than Ali Lohan
Jenna: First a backpack upstages me. Then the paparazzi kept calling me "Dina Lohan." And now the Cyrus family's decided to rock a bunch of funky hats!
Jack: You can't give up now. Did Jackie Jormp-Jomp give up when those vampires attacked Woodstocks?
Jenna Went Camping?
Jack: Now, you just need to stay dead while I sell the movie.
Jenna: Oh, I can play dead. I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.
TMI
Lemon: Eating right, working out, sleeping -- is anybody else BM-ing like a rock star?
Tracy Morgan: Making Tranny Dreams Come True Since 2009
Kenneth: Mr. Jordan, it's Friday. We really need to tell Mr. Hornberger that the dancers quit.
Tracy: No we don't. He's not even gonna notice that they're gone. These are the new dancers, Ken. Say hi to Velvet.
Kenneth: Hello, Miss Velvet.
Tracy: Just think -- An hour ago, they were brawling in a parking lot but tonight, they're gonna be stars!
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