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CTU quickly figures out which oil platform Josh has been taken to, and the Veep is just as quick to order an air strike that will not only destroy the component but kill everyone on board. You know Kiefer's not going to be down with that. Fortunately, Buchanan knows how to fly a helicopter, so the two of them steal a CTU chopper and head out to rescue Josh before the missiles hit. Kiefer not only shoots all the bad guys, he also captures Cheng alive and catches up with Josh just in time to prevent him from killing the grandfather he's already wounded. Realizing there's no way he can get his father off the rig in time to save him and make him pay for his crimes, Kiefer abandons Dad (and the component) to his fate, leaping off the platform and onto the rope ladder Buchanan's dangling in front of him just before the platform explodes underneath him. Instead of hitching a ride back to CTU, Kiefer lets go just above the surf line, swims to shore, and waves Buchanan off.
So, to wrap up the other story lines, Russian President Suvarov is satisfied with the component's destruction and calls off the attack on the U.S. base in Centralasia. Tom convinces the Veep to cut Karen some slack for being right, and surrenders the recording from earlier. Buchanan flies Cheng back to CTU, where Cheng gets off an excellent line. Marilyn and Josh reunite, without any revelations about Josh's paternity coming to light. And Chloe's pregnant. Try to look surprised. No, I said "surprised." Try again.
So what happens to Kiefer? Well, conveniently enough, the spot where he dropped from the helicopter is within walking distance of Heller's beach house. Completely off his meds by now, Kiefer goes to confront his former boss at gunpoint, angrily blaming him for not doing more to get Kiefer out of China and demanding his life back -- in the form of Audrey. But as soon as Kiefer sees Audrey in the hospital suite that her dad has already set up for her in her bedroom, he realizes that Heller's right, and he can only keep Audrey safe by staying away. He breaks up with her sleeping form, then walks out onto Heller's back balcony to stare sadly down the cliff into the sea, and then into the lightening sky. Downer, dude. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Collapsing Chloe gets her very own freeze-frame in the previouslies this hour, as does Doyle. Too bad he can't see it.
The boat carrying Josh speeds through the water to the oil platform, docking at the platform's jetty as Dad watches from above. Josh accepts his grandfather's hand to help him out of the boat, but then yanks himself away, saying, "I don't want to be here with you!" I don't blame him. That hotel they were in this afternoon was much nicer. Dad says they're leaving, and he doesn't expect Josh to understand everything yet. "In the meantime," he says, roughly grabbing his grandson's arm, "You'll do as you're told. Clear?" Josh nods reluctantly. Cheng comes down the stairs, having just finished a conversation on a walkie-talkie. Apparently, a Chinese submarine is going to be picking them up in thirty minutes. Well, that should be a fun ride.
Speaking of getting picked up, Doyle is being lifted up off the sand by CTU medics. Kiefer watches the ocean pensively. He's finished with Doyle duty for now.
At CTU, Chloe has been transferred to the clinic. She's doomed. At her bedside, an aging, birdlike doctor named Hastings tells Morris that Chloe isn't in any immediate danger. Well, not until she got set up in Medical, she wasn't. Morris asks what's up with her, then. "Dehydration. Exhaustion. She hasn't slept for thirty-six hours," the doctor says. Okay, the first two items, plus the third one that indicates that Chloe habitually sleeps until five in the afternoon, tells me that Chloe is suddenly a pop diva on her way to rehab. Hey, it's no weirder than some of the other stuff they've made her do this season. The doc leaves the room without saying more. Chloe opens her eyes and her mouth to tell Morris that she's fine and he should get back to work. "If you really want to make me feel better, you'll go find Phillip Bauer," she says. Morris agrees to leave, probably also so that Nadia has another character to talk to out on the floor. Seriously, we started out the season with five CTU-based regulars, and now one's fired, one's dead, and one's pregnant. Oh no, did I spoil that for you? I thought you knew Milo was dead. With a mighty effort, Chloe lifts her head off the pillow, presumably so she can pout from a vertical position. Totally worth the energy she used, too.
Morris wasted no time getting back out to the floor, where Nadia has already succeeded in finding one of Dad's oil rigs her own damn self. It's a decommissioned one, which doesn't really make it a great idea for Dad to have every light on the thing burning like he does. Morris takes over the keyboard and runs a thermal satellite scan, which shows several warm spots (aside from every light bulb on the thing). "It's awfully crowded for a decommissioned platform," Morris observes. Nadia has him play back the last few minutes of satellite coverage, and sure enough, they see the boat arriving, twenty minutes after Josh got nabbed. Satisfied that they've tracked down Dad's current base of operations, Nadia tells Morris to send the data to her screen so she can notify the White House. They'll be happy to hear about this.
And by the way, this is really the best possible outcome. If Kiefer had successfully stopped CTU from going ahead with the exchange, they wouldn't have been able to track Dad's men to the oil platform. And yet if Kiefer hadn't tried to stop it, he wouldn't have been on the beach to make the deductive leap that led to searching oil platforms in the first place. See? A little compromise, and everybody wins.
As soon as Nadia leaves him alone, Morris picks up his desk phone to call the clinic about Chloe's test results. Dr. Hastings is like, dude, you were just here, plus I can't release a patient's pregnancy test results anyway. (He doesn't actually say pregnancy test; I just filled that in inside my head). Morris tries to play the husband card, but since he's only an ex-husband, he's out of luck. He'll have to wait until later to find out that Chloe is pregnant. Shit, I did it again, didn't I? I was sure Morris and Chloe's divorce backstory was common knowledge.
The Veep -- along with the Secretary of Defense, as well as a bunch of advisors and Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- is in the White House's above-ground Situation Room. It's nothing like the darkened, game-room-looking one on The West Wing, which I understand is actually less accurate than what we're seeing here. There's a first time for everything. Tom gets off the phone with Nadia and reports to the Veep that CTU has tracked "Phillip Bauer and a dozen or so confederates" to a specific offshore oil rig. They assume the component is on the platform with him. The Veep says to pass that news along to Suvarov to try and buy more time, and to get an assault team ready to board the platform. SecDef chimes in to say that it might be tough for a team to take a well-defended oil platform, so he advises an aerial strike instead. Tom squints in concern as SecDef says an air strike will kill everyone on board, and either destroy the component outright or drop it into the ocean where it'll be wrecked for good. Just ask Michael Scofield. Tom points out that Josh is on the platform as well, and is more likely to survive a surgical strike than what SecDef is recommending. "We're talking about an innocent sixteen-year-old boy here." The Veep says that a lot of other innocent young men are on the line in Centralasia. Someone -- not necessarily me -- might make the argument that when you join the armed forces, you agree to protect your country's civilians, not, you know, blow them up. I say this as a civilian, of course, so I might be biased. The Veep adds that destroying the platform would also be politically advantageous, since it'll show Suvarov that the U.S. is totally not fucking around on this. He orders the planes sent right away. Yes, the Veep certainly has learned his lesson about humility, hasn't he? And keep in mind that nobody in this room even knows about the submarine's anticipated arrival in twenty-five minutes.
At 5:07:37, Kiefer is walking along to Doyle's gurney as he's wheeled towards the CTU version of an ambulance. That'll learn Ricky Schroder to act like Kiefer's heir apparent. Doyle apologizes to Kiefer and tells him, "Get the kid, Jack!" Kiefer's like, yeah, that's a good idea, I'll do that. As the doors close on Doyle, Nadia calls Kiefer to tell him that they found the oil rig. Kiefer says he wants to lead the assault team, because Kiefer always has to be in charge of everything, and Nadia has to tell him there isn't going to be one. She already knows about the ordered air strike, which she says will happen in thirty minutes. Surprisingly, Kiefer doesn't ask to lead the air strike. Nadia tells Kiefer that he and Buchanan need to come back to CTU via helicopter for an immediate debrief. After a long pause, Kiefer snaps, "Fine," and hangs up before Nadia can decide to put him back under arrest.
Sensing that something's wrong, Buchanan comes over and asks Kiefer what's up. Kiefer explains about the impending air strike. "No one on that platform is going to survive," he says. Half of his remaining family is about to be incinerated, and of the other half, one wants nothing to do with him and the other wants to talk about his feelings. Brr. Buchanan says he's sorry. Kiefer, of course, is already looking sneakily at the helicopter parked nearby. Buchanan tells him not to even think about it; he'll only get himself killed. Kiefer had a line in last week's previews for this episode where he said he'd rather die trying to do the right thing than live with all the things they've done wrong today, but it's been cut from the actual episode for some reason. Buchanan sympathizes with Kiefer being about to lose his "nephew," but Kiefer cuts that off, saying it's wrong for an "innocent kid" to be written off as "an acceptable loss." Can we stop going on about how "innocent" Josh is already, at least without talking to Marilyn about it? She might have a clearer view of how "innocent" he actually is. In fact, she might even ask CTU if they can fix that tracker in his arm when they get him back. Kiefer tells Buchanan that they've both been ordered back to CTU, but he's going to take the helicopter to the oil rig. "I'll fly," Buchanan says. What? "You prep the weapons." Kiefer looks at Buchanan in surprise, both that Buchanan knows how to pilot a helicopter and that he wants to come along. Buchanan says it's "been a while," but he thinks he can get them there and maybe even back. "I don't want to live with this one either," he explains, which is almost a total non sequitur after that earlier Kiefer line got cut. But James Morrison has to live with his now-nonsensical line staying in there. Ironic.
Behind them, the CTU pilot is spinning up the helicopter's rotors. Before getting inside, they walk over to the nearest parked CTUmobiles and raid the arsenal in back. Nobody seems to notice them or want to stop them as Kiefer hands Buchanan a bulletproof vest and loads up a fresh man-purse full of guns for himself. Then they walk right over to the helicopter, where Kiefer gets in the back and Buchanan takes the copilot's seat. The pilot must have been too busy with his preflight checks to notice that his two sketchy passengers-to-be were just arming themselves to the teeth about ten feet from his windscreen. His inattention bites him in the ass when Kiefer puts one of his many guns to the pilot's head and orders him out. Not bothering to argue or even roll his eyes, the pilot hops out onto the parking lot. Buchanan immediately lifts off and takes them out to sea before anyone else on the ground even knows what's going on. I'm sure that's some kind of metaphor. It's 5:10:11.
Commercials. That ad for the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is almost cool enough to make me wish I gave a shit. As it is, I'll be getting my fill of pirates soon enough. More on that week.
5:14:33. Two F-18s are already in the air, streaking towards the target through the predawn sky. The lead pilot reports that they'll be in range in twenty minutes. Twenty minutes? On this show? During the final hour? Where did they take off from, Oklahoma?
At the White House, SecDef reports to the Veep that Russian troops are massing along the eastern rim of the U.S. base, which generally indicates an imminent attack. Hey, no fair -- Suvarov gave him two hours and it hasn't even been ninety minutes yet. But then, maybe even Suvarov didn't think he could move that many forces around the Asian map faster than a game of Risk. Tom gets Suvarov on the line and puts him on speaker. Suvarov brings up the trade that the Veep told him about earlier, and asks how that went. The Veep has to admit that "that didn't work out," but asks Suvarov to hold off juuust a bit longer before killing a bunch of his guys. As the Veep is explaining that they've tracked Cheng to an oil platform that's about to be blown out of the water by his own F-18s, Suvarov reads a clipboard he's just been handed. He gets out of his chair and gestures at it with appropriately foreign boisterousness. The Veep is just getting started on abjectly begging Suvarov to believe that he's telling the truth this time, but Suvarov cuts him off, saying he believes the Veep. It seems that the Russians have picked up a transmission from a Chinese submarine fifteen miles off the California coast, presumably en route to pick up the component. The Veep offers to hook Suvarov up with a real-time uplink to their satellite feed, which at Suvarov's end seems to involve having one of his generals open a laptop and put it on a desk. Well, that was easy. After ascertaining that the air strike is due in twenty minutes, Suvarov wishes the Veep luck. The Veep doesn't bother to respond, preferring to look at the jets on the Situation Room's one radar screen. The screen also shows the oil platform's position, and I just need to say that if that display is to scale, those jets are fucking huge.
Nadia is up in her office, on the phone with the Exposition Call Center in Bangalore, when Morris comes in, wearing a headset and looking unhappy. After Nadia hangs up, Morris reports that Kiefer has commandeered a chopper and wants an uplink to their satellite feed. Yeah, I was wondering how far over the ocean Kiefer and Buchanan were going to get before they realized that they didn't know which oil rig they were supposed to be headed for. I don't know why Nadia bothers to be surprised that Kiefer's gone all Kiefery again. Morris adds that Kiefer and Buchanan are both on their way to the oil platform and hands Nadia a headset of her own.
Kiefer is talking to Nadia on the helicopter's headset while locking and loading his guns in the back of the chopper. I don't know about you, but if I were in a moving aircraft with a guy who was preparing a small arsenal, I don't think I'd want him to multitask. Nadia says they only have eighteen minutes before the F-18s arrive, and even if Kiefer and Buchanan find the component, the Veep's orders are non-contingent. Buchanan chimes in on the call to tell Nadia that this is the way to go. After looking at Morris (whose agreement with Kiefer and Buchanan is barely on this side of nonverbal), Nadia gives in. She lets Morris take over her computer so he can upload the latest satellite data to Kiefer's PDA, including the positions of Cheng's and Dad's men on the platform. Hell, why not run the whole operation from Nadia's office, after all? There's plenty room in there for everyone still working at CTU. Buchanan thanks her for doing the right thing. After they disconnect, Kiefer pulls off his headset and sticks in a comm earpiece, handing one to Buchanan in the front seat. Buchanan takes it and doesn't put his headset back on over it, saving me the trouble of thinking up a comment about Buchanan being startled by the feedback and crashing into the ocean. Kiefer instructs Buchanan to come in low and hopefully take the bad guys by surprise. Yes, that should work, if they're listening to their music really loud. Kiefer says he plans to start shooting while they're still in the air, giving Buchanan cover to land.
The F-18s are still on their way, as one of the pilots reports, "The target is locked and acquired." He sounds pretty smug for someone who's taking aim at a warm, glowing, isolated, stationary target the size of a cubic city block.
At 5:19:42, Dad and Cheng are inside one of the platform's offices as Dad tells Josh they're leaving in fifteen minutes. Thanks for the update. Josh asks to be let go, but Dad isn't budging. As he loads a gun, he says that Josh has a lot to learn and it's up to Dad to teach him. "First lesson is: pay attention." Ooh, good one. Stay up all night working on that syllabus, did you? Suddenly, Cheng gets a call on his walkie-talkie from his men, who are positioned on the outside of the platform. After a quick radio exchange in Mandarin, Cheng tells Dad that a helicopter is coming. He tells Dad to take the boat west, where the submarine will be able to pick them up by tracking the onboard locator beacon. Cheng hands the component to Dad for safekeeping and draws his own gun, bad-assing, "I'll join you shortly." Cheng's trust in Dad is certainly touching, given that an unidentified helicopter is on its way there now. Never mind! No time! Dad gets Josh moving.
At 5:20:47, the CTU helicopter is getting close to the platform. Kiefer slides open his door and hollers, "Once we hit the deck, we're going to have to move hard!" Okay, I'm normally not attuned to the non-sexy sexy dialogue on this show, but even I can't miss that one. As Buchanan draws level with the rig and hovers right to the superstructure, Kiefer tells Buchanan, "Take it up!" The chopper swoops up above the platform's roof, where Cheng's men are waiting on the rooftop helipad to get machine-gunned by Kiefer. Even with them shooting at the chopper, he is only too happy to oblige. He's shot the helipad clear in a matter of seconds, and he hollers at Buchanan to set them down. Buchanan does. Kiefer hops out and runs to the edge of the helipad, just in time to see a bunch of guys approaching from the level below. Kiefer drops into a crouch and starts shooting, hitting some handy explosives that roast most of Cheng's men alive. Someone sure did a shitty job of decommissioning this place if there are that many barrels of boom-juice just sitting around. But then, as we learned after Valencia, decommissioning things isn't exactly Dad's company's strong suit. Despite being powerful enough to kill all of the henchmen, the explosion merely flattens Cheng himself, conveniently enough. Buchanan comes around the front of the still-idling helicopter with a handgun. Looks like he put his bulletproof vest on under his jacket. Did he do that while flying, or when he was supposed to be "moving hard?" Kiefer runs up to Cheng's prone body and, pointing his gun at his enemy's head, demands to know where Josh is. "You're too late!" Cheng groans through a half-charred face. Kiefer leaves Cheng and his machine gun with Buchanan, telling him to get both to the chopper while Kiefer makes sure that Josh isn't on the platform. As Buchanan drags Cheng to his feet and hauls him back toward the helipad, he hollers at Kiefer's retreating back, "We only have ten minutes!" And four and a half of them are going to be burned off during the commercials. It's 5:22:06.
5:26:33. Dad is leading Josh through the bowels of the platform towards the boat jetty, when Josh jerks himself free and says he can't go. Dad lectures him about self-control and tells him he's acting like a child. Josh tries to take a swing at him, but Dad easily blocks it and pins Josh up against a pipe, telling him to control his emotions. Okay, being taken from your home and family by force and getting dragged to China by a known killer is one thing, but having to put up with all the cheap Jedi Master crap on the long submarine ride to China would be enough to make me want to drown myself in an airlock the first chance I got.
Kiefer's still working his way down through the structure, shooting bad guys as he goes. And the F-18s are still on their way, projecting four minutes and thirty seconds to firing range. Josh and Dad reach the boat jetty. While Dad is busy with the winch that lowers the boat into the water, Josh picks up a heavy wrench and clubs Dad from behind. Then he grabs Dad's gun and points it at him. Way to control your emotions, Josh. While Dad staggers around in a rather satisfying manner at 5:28:13, Josh backs up to what he thinks is a safe distance and holds the gun on his grandfather. He says -- in case Dad hasn't gotten the memo -- that he's not going. Dad recovers enough to reach out one freakishly long arm for the gun, but Josh isn't handing it over. "As long as you're alive, me and my mom will never be safe," Josh sobs. Dad claims he loves Josh and is doing this for him, but he's getting too close, so Josh shoots him. Go, Josh! Dad goes down with a bullet in the right side of his chest. Okay, Josh, points for effort, but the heart's on the other side. I know, it's a small target. Josh keeps pointing the gun as Dad gasps for breath, leaning against the railing.
Kiefer suddenly arrives at the top of the stairs with his own gun, telling Josh to lower the weapon. Josh doesn't move. Kiefer says he knows how Josh feels right now, but warns him, "You do not want to live with the pain of taking another person's life, even if they deserve it." Yeah, take it from Kiefer, who has to live with that pain multiplied by several hundred. Two just in the last three minutes. Oh, and by the way, he adds, an air strike is coming in two minutes, so they should probably be going. Kiefer gets Josh to lower the gun, then sends him running up the stairs toward the helipad. Better hope he doesn't get lost. ["The part I don't get is how Kiefer delivers the 'don't do anything you might feel bad about later' speech after the kid already shot his grandfather in the chest. Like, I'm thinking therapy is already kind of a foregone conclusion." -- Miss Alli]
Now that it's just father and Kiefer, Kiefer orders his dad at gunpoint to get up. Dad refuses, saying he's all done. "You are going to be held responsible for what you did today!" Kiefer insists. Dad doesn't think so. As he correctly points out, Kiefer doesn't have time to carry him to the helicopter, and Kiefer doesn't want to die. Care to qualify that, Dad? "Not here," Dad says. "Not with me." Okay, that part I agree with. And besides, who wants to ride in a helicopter with their former torturer, their whiny "nephew," and an eight-foot sociopath? I don't care how much yoga James Morrison knows, that's going to be crowded. "You're gonna get off easy," Kiefer says, and heads up the stairs. Shouldn't he cover his bases and get the component first? Never mind; no time.
F-18s? Still on their way. Buchanan has managed to get Cheng handcuffed and strapped into the back of the CTU chopper. He pops the helicopter's headset back on (Feedback! Aaah! Okay, no, not really) and asks Nadia for confirmation that they've still got two minutes. Nadia only gives him ninety seconds before the fighters are in range, and says they need to get the hell out. Buchanan turns just in time to see Josh running up to the helicopter, and asks the kid where Kiefer is. "He's with my grandpa!" Josh yells over the noise from the rotor blades. Buchanan tells Josh to get in, then starts unspooling a canvas ladder out the helicopter's left passenger door. Good thing Cheng's handcuffed, or he could make things pretty awkward for Kiefer in a minute here.
In the White House Situation Room, SecDef is on the phone as he reports that the F-18s have the platform in range, and have achieved missile lock. "Take it out," the Veep says. SecDef relays the order.
Buchanan lifts off from the helipad as Josh protests that they can't leave Kiefer behind. Buchanan responds that they're not leaving, but he says it in this "keep your hair on, kid" tone that's pretty hilarious under the circumstances. He radios to Kiefer that he's coming around the south side of the platform, and tells Kiefer to "meet" him on level three. Kiefer climbs up onto an exterior railing, where he can see Buchanan's chopper coming around for him with the ladder dangling below.
The two F-18s launch their full complement of missiles, at least four per plane. It's about to get very hot where Kiefer's standing. Dad waits for the inevitable, wondering if China can still be his future somehow, like if his burning remains fall deep enough into the oil well below. Kiefer leaps for the canvas ladder dangling in front of him, and he makes it, just before the first missile hits and the platform starts exploding. Josh watches in amazement as Buchanan calmly pulls the chopper away from the conflagration that sends burning wreckage into the sky in every direction. Nice flying for someone for whom it's "been a while."
And now the obligatory scene at CTU, where Nadia and Morris try to raise Buchanan on the radio while watching the platform burn on the satellite screen. Finally, Buchanan responds, saying he's got Josh, Kiefer, and Cheng, and they're all flying back to CTU. Nadia nearly collapses in relief, and even Morris is smiling quietly to himself. It's kind of weird. The quiet part, I mean.
Kiefer continues to dangle from the ladder, not bothering to try climbing up. He's got plenty of ladder length below him, which makes me wonder how Buchanan got the chopper so close to the rig without losing a rotor. Oh, well, season's almost over.
At the White House, SecDef reports "multiple direct hits," as though they can't all see on the satellite screen that the platform is nothing but a ball of fire now. The Veep is still on speaker with Suvarov, who sees the same thing. Suvarov holds out his hands questioningly to his generals, who nod and shrug like, "Yeah, we're good, thanks." Just like that, international crisis averted, even though all Suvarov really knows for sure is that an oil rig just got bombed. People get so trusting when the day's almost over, don't they? Suvarov says he's pulling back his troops, and the Veep says he'll have his air support stand down as soon as that happens. Then Suvarov picks up a handset to personally tell the Veep how much he regrets the situation. "When my country's security is threatened, I..." The Veep totally feels him there. Suvarov gives his best wishes for Wayne's recovery. The Veep sort of smiles mirthlessly, like he can't decide himself how much longer he wants this job.
Still dangling below the CTU chopper, Kiefer takes one last look up at it and lets go, falling into the Pacific just beyond the surf line. The trip back to shore was a lot shorter than the trip out, I notice. Probably feeling the craft get lighter, Buchanan asks what happened. Alarmed, Josh says Kiefer "fell." Buchanan turns the chopper around, and they see that Kiefer is swimming to shore. Even with a man-purse full of guns still around his shoulder and his torso encased in Kevlar, Kiefer easily makes it to the beach. Are you picking up on the baptism symbolism? It's almost like it was intentional. Buchanan turns the chopper's searchlight on Kiefer and hovers overhead. Kiefer just raises one hand and starts walking on. Presumably, the saltwater turned the earpiece Kiefer was wearing into a future home for a hermit crab. Buchanan nods in understanding and turns the chopper away, telling Josh they're going back to CTU. Josh says they have to go back for his uncle. "Jack's not ready to go back yet," Buchanan says. Josh looks like he wishes that the "craziest member of my family" position could have remained vacant for more than two minutes. Kiefer leans up against a lifeguard tower to catch his breath. It's 5:36:22.
5:40:45. The Veep, Tom, and SecDef walk down the hallway to the Oval Office together. On the way, SecDef receives some news that he relays to the Veep when they reach the office, which is that the Chinese have recalled their submarine back to base. The Veep tells SecDef to have one of their subs follow, just to let them know they didn't get away undetected. The Veep thanks SecDef, and sends him off with instructions to thank the Joint Chiefs as well.
Once Tom's alone with the Veep, he warns his boss that they need to come up with some kind of response to China's actions today. The Veep wants to put that off until Season 7, because he's tired. At almost nine in the morning, after staying up all night? He must be pregnant. Before the Veep goes to bed, Tom wants to talk about something else. "Karen Hayes?" the Veep asks wearily. Tom says that Karen's about to be transferred to FBI custody, but he thinks it's worth preserving whatever's left of the American people's faith in the administration to let Karen and Buchanan resign quietly. The Veep agrees, and asks Tom to handle that. Tom gets up to leave the room, but before he does, he leaves the tape recording of the Veep suborning perjury from earlier. The Veep smiles, hoping that it won't be long before he can tell in advance when Tom's going to be weaselly and when he's going to be noble.
In the CTU clinic, Chloe's sitting up on the bed when Morris comes in to see how she's doing and to tell her she missed the big happy ending. Morris says that Dr. Hastings wouldn't tell him anything and asks if Chloe's condition is serious. Chloe says it is. Morris promises to help her get through whatever it is. She reminds him that they're not together anymore. "Oh, sod that," Morris scoffs, saying he was terrified of losing her when he saw Chloe collapse. Chloe literally says, "Okay. That's good, 'cause I'm pregnant." Whoa! Holy God! Can you believe that sh-- oh, fuck it. They've been nineshadowing this so hard since last week's previews, the only surprise is how Chloe managed to get knocked up when she and Morris have both been at work since mid-January. They actually smile at each other a bit while we all take a moment to savor the two extreme close-ups and reflect briefly on the miracle of life and what a weird-looking, maladjusted kid this is going to end up being. Morris starts to say something, but Chloe tells him not to ruin the moment. "Let's just go back to work," she says. Surprisingly, Morris isn't like, "Fuck that, lady, you just had an hour break. My ass is tired."
Karen continues to pace in her White House holding room. When Tom comes in, she asks if he's come to say goodbye. Tom's like, sort of. He says that Karen and Buchanan aren't going to be charged with anything, although they're still expected to resign from their positions. Karen is relieved. "Is that suitable?" Tom asks her. Karen laughs and allows that it's plenty suitable. Tom wishes her good luck. Karen thanks Tom, knowing he had a part in making this happen. Tom says he'll actually miss her. "Really?" she asks doubtfully. "I can answer that better after you've gone," Tom says, leaving the room. Karen follows, walking right out the wide-open door and past the agent who probably doesn't really need to be there anymore. If I were Buchanan, I might be a little worried, if I thought Tom liked girls. Or indeed sex of any kind.
At 5:46:12, Buchanan and Josh walk onto the CTU floor, while a couple of uniformed guards frog-march the wounded Cheng along behind them. Marilyn appears out of nowhere, and Buchanan sends Josh running to her. Big hug. No lines for Rena Sofer in this episode, though. Looks like she lost her voice, as predicted. Buchanan turns to Cheng and tells him that he'll be debriefed at a federal detention facility. "My people will not abandon me like you abandoned Jack Bauer," Cheng quietly taunts. Buchanan looks like that actually hurt a little bit. Good. He tells the guards to get Cheng out of there. Nadia meets Buchanan on the floor, and they shake hands. Buchanan tells Nadia to be proud of the work she did today. Nadia basks in her mentor's approval for a moment before asking where Kiefer is. Buchanan tells her, and she's confused. Saying they need to find him. Buchanan says they'll never find Kiefer if he doesn't want them to. "Let him go," he advises. Well, if he says so.
And now we're at Heller's house, wherever that is. As we'll soon learn, it's nearby. In fact, I'd say it's walking distance from where Kiefer dropped from the helicopter. But I'm getting ahead of myself. After wearing a suit to go pick up his daughter in the middle of the night and bring her home (or at least to this lovely cottage he's renting on the coast), Heller has changed into something more comfortable: a dress shirt and a yellow sweater. Hell, considering how buttoned-up he usually is, that's probably what he sleeps in. He's on the phone with someone, expressing his amazement and relief that Audrey is still alive. He hangs up, sits back, and hears a noise somewhere else in the house. He slowly reaches for the phone, but has barely dialed 9 before a very damp Kiefer appears in the hallway. And when was it that Kiefer looked up Heller's address? Or did he live here even when he was Secretary of Defense? Never mind -- any complaints about timeline on this show always multiply tenfold when it comes to Kiefer's last scene of the season. Kiefer tells Heller to hang up the phone. Heller does. Kiefer walks the rest of the way into the room, glaring dead-eyed at his ex-boss. "Are you here to kill me?" he asks. "Depends," Kiefer answers. Ooh, a shot at Heller's age. Not nice. I'm sitting here wondering why Kiefer's so pissed. Did he suddenly realize some betrayal on Heller's part while he was hanging from the helicopter? Did he make some spontaneous connection that pointed to some part Heller had in the conspiracy while the oil platform was blowing up beneath his feet? Nope. We know everything Kiefer does. I'm just telling you now so you don't sit here wondering what's going on with Kiefer for the few paragraphs. More than you already were, anyway.
Kiefer asks where Audrey is. Dude, the house isn't that big. Heller again tells Kiefer that he's not getting anywhere near Audrey. Wrong answer. Kiefer raises the silenced handgun in his hand and walks right up to Heller, putting it to his head and bellowing, "You do not tell me what to do any more!" Heller doesn't flinch. Over the gun barrel, Kiefer tells Heller that he just watched his father die and felt nothing. "You know why?" Heller refrains from making the reasonable guess that it's because Kiefer has finally gone completely around the bend. But Kiefer says it's because Dad was dead to him years ago. He saw Heller as a father figure instead, and Heller took advantage. Heller took advantage? Because, Kiefer, if Heller is your father, you fucked your sister. Heller tries to interrupt, but Kiefer is in full-on Survivor jury-member mode, as he says Heller's going to do the listening. Kiefer paces the living room, reminding Heller of the mean thing he said earlier. "How dare you? The only thing I did -- the only thing I have ever done -- is what you and people like you have asked of me." Well, except all those times he did the opposite. "Why didn't you try to get me out of China?" he asks. Heller waits a moment to make sure he's not going to be interrupted, and calmly says he did try. "Not hard enough!" Kiefer interrupts. He asks if he was considered an "acceptable loss." There's that phrase again.
Heller starts to say that he understands Kiefer's anger, but Kiefer raises the gun again and tells him to shut up. He says Heller doesn't understand him, but he understands Heller. He accuses Heller of being mad at him not because Audrey went to China, but because she went even when Heller told her not to. He says Heller can't understand that kind of commitment or loyalty. Heller brightly says that Kiefer's right, and that it was unfair of him to blame Kiefer after all of Kiefer's sacrifices, and everything the country owes him. Kiefer just says he wants his life back. "And I want it now. Audrey's all I've got and you can't stop me." He says he's very good at disappearing, which, if that were true, there wouldn't have been a Season Five. He also says he'll kill anyone Heller sends after them. "Pretty good at that, too," he says bitterly. Heller's had enough of this, and can't resist for one more second the urge to poke the crazy. He tells Kiefer that getting his life back won't change who he is. He says that Kiefer has tried to quit before and it didn't work. "Sooner or later you're going to get back in the game," he says, "and my daughter's going to pay the price. Like your wife did." Kiefer calls Heller a son of a bitch. Heller stands up and tells Kiefer to stop and think about what he's doing. "You won't be able to take care of her the way you want to," he warns. Kiefer doesn't care. He tells Heller to take him to her now.
In a bedroom in the house, bright sunlight is filtering through wicker blinds onto a full array of medical monitors set up on stands. Where do you get all that crap in the middle of the night? Heller opens the door and lets Kiefer in to see Audrey, who is lying on her back in bed, her hair finally brushed and clean. She's fast asleep. Kiefer sits at her side, takes her hand, and quietly says, "It's me, I'm here." Audrey doesn't stir. Kiefer starts getting teary, looking at the light coming in the window and realizing that Heller's right. He says he knows he promised to take care of her and protect her. "But I'm at a crossroads." Oh, come on, who says "crossroads" in real life who doesn't have a divinity degree? He says that he now sees that the only way to keep his promise is to let her go. "I hope one day you can understand that. I hope one day you can forgive me. I love you with all my heart." He kisses her on the forehead. "And I always will." Before he starts crying, he gets up and goes out into the hallway, where Heller's been waiting with his arms folded. Kiefer walks right past him without either of them saying a word. Kiefer walks out Heller's back door and into the beautiful yard, straight to a railing overlooking the sea. He looks at the sky, now turning blue. His eyes get scary, and he looks down the cliff below him, than back up into the new day as he wonders what the hell he's going to do . I mean, seriously, there's not an apartment manager in the world who's going to accept that sack of guns as a security deposit. The clock fades in and rolls over to 6:00:00. They saved this season's "silent clock" for the very end.
So now it's the part of the season where I thank everyone, including the cast and crew of 24, as well as my ever-patient wife Trash and son M. Small, my excellent editors Miss Alli and Wing Chun, and all you readers and posters. And most importantly of all, I couldn't possibly forget to thank Chad Lowe.