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With Josh in Doyle's custody and Kiefer under arrest, it falls to Karen Hayes of all people to find a way derail the exchange with Kiefer's Dad for the Russians' circuit board. Behind the Veep's back, she's bold enough to call for help to the husband she fired a few hours ago. Doyle and Josh wait alone at a drop point on the beach with no satellite coverage while the whole operation threatens to go completely pear-shaped; Marilyn's going batshit at CTU, Chloe is complaining about the ethics of a trade that hardly anyone thinks is going to be honored by Dad anyway, Buchanan has helped Kiefer escape, and even Doyle is having his doubts. Karen gets busted, arrested, and chewed out by the Veep, and Milo's much better-looking brother shows up to pick up his brother's stuff and tell Nadia that Milo was in love with her, in case anyone still cares. And just in case you still haven't picked up on the important lesson that Not Listening To Kiefer Will Blow Up In Your Face, Dad's men show up at the drop point with a fake component that literally blows up in Doyle's face. While he writhes blinded on the sand, Dad's men whisk Josh away in an inflatable boat before Kiefer can stop them. As everyone belatedly realizes once again that Kiefer Was Right All Along (even the Veep, who has finally figured out that maybe he isn't so smart after all), Kiefer figures out that Josh is being taken to one of his father's offshore oil rigs. But before Chloe can figure out which one it is, she abruptly collapses on the CTU floor. And yes, it is what you think. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
So here we are at the first hour of another two-hour season finale. I know the fans and critics have really been down on this season, but I just haven't been able to work up as much disdain for it as I had for the creaking, squalling, wobbling Rube Goldberg contraption that was Season 4. Besides, when was the last time there was a good sixth season of anything?
Tonight's previouslies include freeze-frames of Karen Hayes and Josh Bauer, the latter of whom the closed-captioning quotes as saying, "Dad!" to Kiefer. That's going to be the only reference in the two hours to what I still maintain is Josh's biological paternity, but I'm taking it.
The CTU helicopter carrying Josh and Doyle flies about ten feet above the Pacific Ocean, right along the waterline. Josh taps Doyle on the shoulder and asks where they're going, since this doesn't seem to be the way to CTU. Doyle hesitates to answer Josh's questions, but says that Josh's grandfather has something that will help to stop a war. Doyle promises that they'll "recover" Josh as soon as they have what they need. Josh is already shaking his head in despair as Doyle is going on about two TAC teams and LAPD who stand ready to do rescue him. See? Even the teenagers on this show know how useless any non-Kiefer law enforcement personnel are, and the teenagers on this show are idiots. Doyle pulls out a case from somewhere under his seat; it contains an injectable tracking device. Handy to have that on a helicopter. "This may sting a little," Doyle warns as he embeds the chip into the sixteen-year-old's ulna. Josh, do you have a moment? I'd like to tell you a story about the last guy who let CTU shoot a tracking device into his arm. A man named Gredenko.
Back at the crime scene, Kiefer is unsuccessfully trying to plead with Agents Ryan and Turner (remember them?) that this is wrong, even as they're leading him to a CTUmobile. He's getting nowhere, of course, because he just met these guys today. Kiefer asks if he's being arrested, all bluff-callingly, like he wasn't just under arrest less than an hour ago. Turner says that they're just putting him under temporary custody to keep him from screwing things up for them. And for just having met him today, they've certainly got his number. Kiefer gets in the car, but they forgot to take away his cell phone.
The CTU big screen is tuned to Fox News, which is just now getting around to covering the "radiation spill" in San Francisco. The crawl reads, "British PM: City safe for Olympic Games," which makes me think of the LONDON 2012 sweatshirt Clive Owen wears in the second half of Children Of Men, which in turn makes me wish I were watching that instead. Can you imagine how much better this show would be if there were no characters under twenty? Chloe slumps past the screen and sits at her desk, rubbing her face in exhaustion like the day is finally catching up to her. Even this moment is cut short as Kiefer calls, pissed about the fact that CTU is handing Josh off to Dad. And if you thought CTU put the Josh plan in place quickly at the end of the last hour, the speed with which the specifics of the deal have been communicated to the rank and file is equally impressive. It means Chloe is totally in the loop on this, and thus is in a position to explain that the Veep ordered the swap Dad offered: Josh for the Russians' FB sub-circuit board. Kiefer says that Dad has no intention of keeping his end of the deal. Chloe half-heartedly assures Kiefer that Doyle plans to get Josh back. "My father will have a better plan," Kiefer growls, and tells Chloe to transfer him to Karen. Going right over Nadia's head, I see. Good move.
Karen is currently sitting in the now-sunlit Oval Office, listening to the Veep prostrate himself in apology, over the phone, to President Suvarov. Apparently, Cisco couldn't afford another TelePresence ad this week. Or maybe they just didn't want to be involved in a scene this embarrassing. The Veep is going on about how bad he feels over having deceived Suvarov (by which he means he's really upset about having been caught. From his wood-paneled office in the Kremlin (or the Kremlin's satellite office in Omsk or whatever), Suvarov -- also accompanied by a few advisors, most of whom are in the uniform of the Russian Army -- suggests that the Veep get the point of the call already. The Veep says that since neither of them actually wants the war that Suvarov is threatening to start over the FB sub-circuit board, the Veep is accepting a trade offer he received to get the component back. Suvarov says that's fine, but that he's not calling anything off yet; his troops are staying in Centralasia until the component is recovered or destroyed. While the Veep continues to flounder, Karen gets up and leaves the meeting, going out into the hall to answer her cell phone. My boss never lets me do that, and she's not even the acting President of the United States.
Karen finds herself being yelled at by Kiefer over the exchange, like it was her idea. Kiefer warns her that his Dad will screw them over and keep both Josh and the circuit board. Karen asks why Dad would even want the circuit board now, and Kiefer tells her that he still hopes to make a deal with the Chinese. Which is why Dad told Cheng, in the last hour, "Our arrangement is at an end." He's tricky, Dad is. Karen says that she agrees with Kiefer, but the Veep's made his decision and there's nothing she can do about it. "You're going to have to take care of this from your end," she says, knowing full well that those words usually end up with a bunch of CTU agents unconscious and Kiefer a fugitive from justice. Kiefer says that there's not much he can do, being in custody and all: "You need to stop this, and you need to stop it now." He snaps his phone shut, just as Agents Ryan and Turner belatedly get into the front seat, completely oblivious that Kiefer's been on the phone with the National Security Advisor. The truck drives off.
Out in the hallway at the White House, Tom joins Karen for a pedeconference. "That did not go well," he mutters of the call to Suvarov. Karen tells Tom about the call she just had, and adds that she thinks Kiefer's right about Dad planning to screw them: "He's Phillip Bauer's son, and he's been more right than we have today." Tom concedes the point (two drinks!), and asks how they're going to get the circuit board otherwise. Karen starts to tell Tom her idea, but Tom doesn't want to hear it, since his relationship with the Veep is "complicated." Translation: he doesn't want to get in trouble again. But he promises that, if Karen wants to try something sneaky, "I won't be looking your way if you do." That's good enough for Karen, who heads into her office.
Chez Buchanan at 4:08:52 (and no, I'm not going back to my Season 5 DVD to see if it's the same set and you can't make me), a small army of FBI agents is executing a search warrant on the house. Buchanan comes downstairs, having changed into a long-sleeved polo sweater to entertain his guests. His cell phone rings. Seeing it's his wife, he doesn't bother answering it. Is there someone else whose call he would have answered at 4 in the morning? Buchanan has a brief spat with a particularly nosy agent over a family photo album, and loses. So sad. The house phone rings, and the outgoing greeting is Buchanan saying, "You've reached the Buchanan residence. Please leave a message." So make of that what you will. Hearing Karen's voice on the phone sounding kind of desperate, Buchanan relents and decides to talk to his wife. He picks up the phone and asks if she's okay. She says she is, and tells him about the call from Kiefer and the planed Josh/component trade with Kiefer's dad, so we get to hear it for the fourth time in under ten minutes (not counting the previouslies). Karen tells Buchanan that she agrees with Kiefer's assessment of the situation. Buchanan asks what Karen wants him to do about it. "Whatever it takes to stop the exchange," Karen replies. You know, my wife never asks me to do anything that difficult, let alone illegal. Especially when she's just fired me a few hours earlier.
The CTU chopper comes in for a landing on a parking lot to a picnic table near a remote beach somewhere. Doyle radios in to CTU that nobody else seems to be there yet, which Chloe confirms via satellite surveillance. They're getting a good signal from the tracker in Josh's arm, though. Doyle hops out of the idling chopper to check things out, and after a quick scouting of the area -- including a glance into a Porta-Potty -- he tells Josh to hop out and join him on the ground. They stand to the picnic table at 4:11:47 and watch the surf. It's kind of romantic. Doyle's cell phone starts ringing, and he earpieces to CTU that he's getting a call. Nadia asks if Morris can trace it. Morris can't, because it's scrambled on the other end, but at least they'll be able to hear both sides of the conversation by monitoring Doyle's phone. Nadia gives Doyle the go-ahead to answer.
Sitting in front of a computer screen that's showing him the same satellite display on view at CTU, Dad tells Doyle, "Before we do anything, I want CTU to turn off the satellite feed." Doyle plays dumb, so Dad tells him that he's got an uplink, and that he can see for himself that the drop point is being watched from orbit. You know, God forbid CTU ever has to fight terrorists on a cloudy day. Doyle tells Dad to hold on, and switches back to CTU to see if Dad is bluffing. Morris confirms that Dad is indeed hacked into their system. "How?" Nadia asks. "I don't know," Morris answers, because there are only two hours left and no one cares. In any case, they have to shut down the satellite coverage. But at least Dad can't see Josh's tracker signal. Satisfied that the satellite is offline, Dad tells Doyle, "Now get rid of the chopper." Doyle sends the helicopter back to CTU and asks Dad what happens . Dad tells them someone will be there soon. "Whenever I'm damn well ready," he clarifies, rather bitchily. He says that he wants to talk to Josh. Before giving the kid the phone, Doyle tells Josh to be nice to his grandfather, explaining, "The easier he thinks this is gonna go, the less on-guard he's gonna be." Josh takes the phone, and the first thing he says is, "I don't want to go anywhere with you! I hate you!" Doyle's like, "I gave him one job." Dad reiterates his position that the sins of Josh's father (by which he still means Graem, not Kiefer) make staying in the U.S. a non-starter: "There's nothing here for you." Josh says that his mom is there. Oh, and his friends, and his house, and his Xbox, and plus he's got thirty bucks left on a JC Penney gift card that he hasn't used yet. But he doesn't mention any of that. Dad says that Marilyn can join them any time she wants, but that she can't give Josh what he needs: "Where we're going, I will have the means and the power to help you become the kind of man your father should have been." Because that worked so well the first time. Dad hangs up and tells two black-clad commandos standing in front of him that they can go get Josh now. The commandos wait for the camera to pan over to them, and then leave the room looking as hardcore as it's possible to look when you're that worried about hitting your marks. It's 4:15:02.
4:19:25. Doyle earpieces to CTU that there's still nobody around. Nadia says that they've been trying to figure out a way to get satellite coverage without Dad's knowing, but Morris just shakes his head rather than bring up his illegal Uzbek satellite from the morning. Doyle asks how he's going to verify that the component is real once he has it. Chloe chimes in to report that the component has a port that will fit right onto his PDA, so he can upload the circuitry to CTU so that they can verify it. That's a handy feature for something that predates most forms of electronic security. Doyle walks a short distance from Josh to tell Nadia that once he's satisfied with the component's authenticity, he's going to get Josh back if he has a chance. "No you're not, Mike," Nadia says, citing their orders to not retrieve Josh until the component is back at CTU. Doyle starts to go all higher morality on her, but Nadia tells him to do what he's told and asks him to acknowledge. Before he does so, an extra tells Nadia that Karen is on the line for her. Nadia gets off comm, telling Doyle that he's still online with Chloe and Morris. How nice for him.
Karen's calling Nadia from her office, claiming to want an update on the exchange. Nadia says that Doyle and Josh are in position, and sounds a bit confused, not to say suspicious, as she reminds Karen that she promised to notify the White House when it goes down. Karen lies that she's just making sure nobody has any doubts, and asks what's up with Kiefer. Nadia says that Kiefer's in custody, and on his way back to CTU. Karen oh-so-casually says that she needs to plug in to CTU's system to monitor the operation. Nadia thinks it's a little weird, but Karen pulls rank and gets Nadia to give her the security code so that she can log in from her desk. A moment later, Karen's laptop is showing an L.A. street map with a little blip marked AGENT BAUER heading up San Vicente Boulevard. Come on, we're supposed to believe that Karen's never heard of JackTracker?
As soon as Nadia's off the phone, Chloe comes up and tells her that Security just called her; there's some shit going down in the Lounge. "Marilyn Bauer," Chloe says by way of explanation. So it's going to be fairly thin, watery shit, at least. Sorry, that grossed out even me. Nadia tells Chloe that she's on her way. Chloe looks at Morris, who just glances back at her blankly while adjusting his ass in his chair. Seeing no help there, Chloe turns at 4:22:02 and returns to her own seat.
At 4:24:54, Agent Turner is taking an awfully long time to drive Kiefer the six blocks back to CTU. Turning onto a narrow side street, he soon finds himself facing an oncoming pickup, shining its high-beams in his eyes and honking its horn. In the back seat, Kiefer braces himself as Turner drives off the road to avoid a collision. He gets out, his weapon drawn. Kiefer's alone in the truck with Ryan, who is still sitting in the shotgun seat and has the misfortune of being left-handed so that it's easy for Kiefer to grab Ryan's sidearm off his hip from behind. Which he does. "Don't move," Kiefer tells Ryan. "Get your handcuffs out," Kiefer says. Well, which one?
Outside the CTUmobile, Turner's got his weapon trained on the giant Toyota pickup that just ran him off the road. Buchanan hops out of the truck and starts walking slowly toward Turner, his hands in the air. "What the hell are you doing?" Turner demands of Buchanan. No shit, dude. Buchanan would never drive a monster truck like that. As Kiefer makes Ryan cuff himself to the CTUmobile's dashboard, Buchanan tells Turner to release Kiefer to him. Turner's not lowering his gun, as Kiefer socks the now-handcuffed Ryan unconscious in the CTUmobile. Buchanan is still approaching Turner, trying to go all Jedi on him as he says he's not armed, and that Turner's a good man whom Buchanan himself trained. "You can't possibly what's happening here is right," Buchanan lectures. He's giving Turner a whole speech about orders versus his oath to uphold the Constitution, while Kiefer is quietly getting out of the truck behind Turner. Buchanan tells Turner not to blow this opportunity. By this time, Kiefer's got Ryan's gun leveled at the back of Turner's head. He makes him put down his gun. Buchanan doesn't complain, "Dude, I had this covered." As Kiefer secures Turner and Buchanan collects Turner's gun, Buchanan tells Kiefer that Doyle's in position with Josh. Kiefer handcuffs Turner to the CTUmobile's wheel (how do you handcuff someone to a wheel?) and he and Buchanan run off and clamber up into Buchanan's truck. "Karen explained everything to you?" Kiefer asks as they drive off. He thanks Buchanan for putting himself on the line. "Let's just hope you're right about your father," says Buchanan. Kiefer: "Unfortunately, I am." It's 4:26:57.
Commercials. I love New Mexico as much as anyone, but I'm not going back if there are going to be scary-ass aliens there.
4:31:23. At CTU, a security guard lets a vaguely hot/creepy bearded buy onto the floor and asks him to wait there. Seeing the new arrival, Chloe gets up from her chair and goes to hug him. It's a very long hug, which really doesn't make the guy any less creepy. Morris watches, thoughtfully stroking his beard, until Nadia tells him to go find out who the visitor is. Good to know that Nadia learned something from that catastrophic security breach a few hours ago. Morris drops whatever he's doing on the current operation and approaches Chloe, just as the new guy finally lets her go. Morris introduces himself, and Chloe introduces the visitor as Stuart, Milo's brother. Morris says that he's very sorry. Which is funny, because I originally thought Chloe said Stuart was "my oldest brother," and Morris's sad-face would have more than made up for the fact that we would be expected to believe they hadn't met at the wedding. Stuart says that he has to sign a release for Milo's body. At 4:30 in the morning. I suppose Milo isn't getting any fresher. Chloe offers to help Stuart with the paperwork instead of, you know, helping to manage a highly sensitive operation in progress. Stuart follows Chloe out as Morris volunteers, "He was a good man." Stuart doesn't tell Morris that when he wants his opinion he'll ask for it. At 4:32:38, Morris returns to the table and tells Nadia who Stuart is. Nadia is careful not to react, but you can tell she's thinking, "Damn, how'd I get the ugly one?"
In Karen's office, the screen of her laptop suddenly goes dark, replaced with a message. Oh, well, her part in this is over anyway. Karen looks sad for a minute, and then pulls out her cell phone. You're telling me that the office of the National Security Advisor doesn't have a handy drainpipe for shimmying down in just such a situation? Shameful.
Buchanan answers Karen's call from the driver's seat of his truck, saying that he and Kiefer are on their way. Sounding like she's saying goodbye, Karen thanks Buchanan for his sacrifice. Buchanan points out that Karen's going to be in some trouble of her own when they figure out how he found Kiefer. Karen says that she already is in trouble, and that someone's probably on his way to arrest her as they speak. She says she's sorry and that she loves him. "Me too," Buchanan mumbles. Right on cue, two Secret Service guys open the door to Karen's office, walk in, and stand threateningly in front of her desk with their hands clasped in front of them. "They're here," says Karen. But they don't seem in too much of a hurry to get the phone away from the person who is in the midst of committing a blatant security breach. Karen wishes Buchanan luck, and hangs up. Buchanan tells Kiefer that Karen's about to be arrested. Kiefer doesn't seem to react, because apparently they think we'd rather watch Buchanan's eyes scanning the road. I'd much prefer to hear Kiefer ask, "So, you gonna make a move on Nadia, then?"
Stuart has been left alone in the CTU locker room, and is going through Milo's stuff. Nadia enters, introduces herself, and says she's sorry. Stuart has already heard Nadia's name from Milo, and he asks her how Milo died. Um, awkward. But Nadia doesn't break eye contact with Stuart as she says, "Your brother died saving my life." She says how brave it was of Milo to sacrifice himself. Stuart says that Milo was just in love with Nadia. Oh, whatever. Nobody cares.
Nadia's cell phone rings, and she leaves the room to answer at 4:35:04. It's Chloe on the other end, saying that Ryan and Turner have been found handcuffed to their CTUmobile. Yeah, oops. Nadia asks how Kiefer escaped this time, and Chloe says that Buchanan intercepted them. Nadia wonders why Buchanan would do that. Which is just the opening Chloe's been waiting for: "Probably because he agrees with Jack, that we shouldn't be trading Josh or trusting [Kiefer's] father, regardless of what the orders are." Nadia doesn't take the bait, and simply tells Chloe to have TAC teams move in. Chloe's already on it. Nadia hangs up and goes back into the locker room, but Milo's empty locker is standing open and Stuart is gone. Nadia looks sad, and thoughtful, and not the least bit alarmed that an unescorted visitor is wandering the halls of CTU during an operation. And speaking of security breaches, whatever happened to those pukes from Division?
Back at the drop point, Josh sits at the picnic table as he begs Doyle not to go through with this. Doyle sits down across from Josh and says that his country needs him, and that Doyle will get him back: "I give you my word." You know, if he keeps pulling this Kiefer-lite routine, it's going to blow up in his face. Nadia comes in on Doyle's earpiece to warn him that Kiefer has escaped and is probably on his way there now. Or maybe he's just stopping to pick up some milk. She explains to Doyle that Karen Hayes and Bill Buchanan helped Kiefer to get away. "Dammit," Doyle says unconvincingly as he gets up and looks around waiting for Kiefer to show up. The Kiefer-lite thing is getting liter by the second. Nadia's ready to send in TAC teams, but Doyle says that they can't risk spooking Kiefer's dad. "Then you'll have to face him alone," says Nadia. "I'll be fine," Doyle assures her, even though she hadn't asked. Josh asks Doyle, "Is my uncle coming?" Doyle says he is. Josh sits there blinking, trying to figure out if this is good news or bad news, when he should really already be diving under that picnic table for cover. It's 4:38:02.
4:41:25. Karen sits in a holding room at the White House, which is nowhere near as nice as the holding rooms at CTU. At least she isn't handcuffed, or wired to some kind of torture device. The Veep enters, and he's pissed. He dismisses the agent standing guard inside the room so that he can accuse his National Security Advisor in private. Karen doesn't deny a thing. The Veep says he thought that they were getting along so well these last few hours, and asks what Karen was thinking. Karen says that she learned earlier today what a bad idea it is to trust a sociopath (in that case, Fayed), and that they can't trust Dad to give them the component. The Veep angrily says that it isn't Karen's decision. Karen agrees, and says she's willing to face the consequences for her actions. The Veep promises her that there will be plenty of those, for both her and Buchanan. Then he suddenly remembers that it was Tom's idea to keep Karen around, and asks her if Tom had anything to do with this. Karen keeps Tom out of it. She even shakes her head like the very idea is totally ridiculous. The Veep's about to leave, but before he does, he says that if Kiefer stops the exchange, the Russians will attack the U.S. in Centralasia: "Any blood that is spilled will be on you." The Veep leaves Karen with that happy thought. Clearly, that hadn't occurred to her until now.
At the drop point, Doyle's cell phone rings. After making sure that CTU is listening in, he answers. Dad tells Doyle to walk with Josh down the beach toward the water. After he hangs up, Nadia tells him over his earpiece to be careful. Doyle herds Josh towards the high-tide line, as Chloe monitors Josh's tracker. Her face is looking even more pinched than normal, and Morris asks her if she's all right. "You look a bit pale," he observes, as though that's news. Chloe says she's just tired. Well, it's about time somebody was.
At 4:44:37, Josh and Doyle hear the sound of a motor approaching from over the water. Out of the darkness comes a small boat, carrying Dad's two commandos. Doyle tells Nadia what's going on, and says that he and Josh are taking cover. They duck behind a fence as one of Dad's men hops out of the boat and runs up the beach -- his gun leveled -- while the other man stands and holds the boat steady in the surf. Doyle tells Josh to stay where he is and breaks cover, his own gun aimed at the man coming up the beach. He tells him to stop. Dad's commando tells Doyle to send the kid, but Doyle says that he needs to see the sub-circuit board first. The guy pulls out a case and holds it out, while briefly opening the lid with one hand to give Doyle a peek inside. Doyle tells him to step forward slowly and put it down on the ground, and then to back away. The commando obeys. Doyle picks up the case and opens the lid. He's still trying to figure out how he's going to get the thing out and plug it into his PDA while holding his gun on the guy when the case explodes in his hands. Oopsie. How embarrassing. Doyle flies backward, his face bloody. Dad's commando makes his move, running up and grabbing Josh while Nadia asks what's going on. Doyle's earpiece is still working, but the only answer he's able to give Nadia is "Aahh! Arrgh! Ow!"
Kiefer and Buchanan come around a bend in the road, just in time to see Josh being led toward the ocean. Buchanan screeches to a halt in the parking lot, and he and Kiefer hop out and dash off in pursuit. Kiefer's got his gun out and aimed at the commandos, but he doesn't want to risk hitting Josh. After getting Josh in the boat (poor Josh, whose shoes have just been soaked for the second time in as many hours), Dad's commando takes a couple of shots at Kiefer, forcing him and Buchanan to dive for cover. By the time Kiefer comes up, the boat is heading out to sea. Kiefer and Buchanan run to where Doyle is still flat on his back in the sand. Doyle tells them, "The component was a fake! It blew!" Kiefer whips out his cell phone instead of responding, "Sounds like someone I know."
On the boat, Dad's commando radios back to Dad that they have Josh. Dad orders him to scan Josh for tracking devices, grumbling, "I don't trust CTU." Yeah, those sneaky, sneaky fuckers. The commando runs a laser scanner over Josh's body, and it goes off when the beam hits Josh's right arm. Dad tells him to "short out" the tracker, which is the work of only a second as the commando touches the very same probe to Josh's arm. I'll bet Gredenko wishes he'd thought of that.
Back at CTU, the screen Chloe's been using to monitor Josh's tracker goes dark. Nadia tells Morris to get the satellite back online as quickly as he can. Kiefer's call comes in, and Nadia tells them to put it on speaker. She's desperate enough for information that she talks to Kiefer like he's an active field agent instead of the fugitive from justice he currently is. Not that that's an easy thing to keep track of. CTU should get some of those rotating magnets you put on your dishwasher that say "The dishes are CLEAN/DIRTY." Except theirs would say "Kiefer is ACTIVE/WANTED." Kiefer tells Nadia where he is and what just happened, asking for a trauma team to attend to Doyle. Morris quickly orders the CTU helicopter back to the drop point. Nadia explains to Kiefer that they have no active tracker or satellite coverage on Josh right now, and that CTU's TAC teams are five minutes out. Her voice stressed with worry, Nadia asks how bad Doyle is. "Bad," says Kiefer. "We need that trauma team." Nadia rolls her eyes, realizing that she's becoming the female Kiefer -- everyone she touches dies. It's 4:48:36.
4:53:02. While the Veep sits alone pouting in the Oval Office, Tom comes in to talk about what just happened with the expected exchange. The Veep mutters that he's supposed to call President Suvarov any moment. Tom advises waiting a few minutes on that, just in case they get lucky. Apropos of nothing, the Veep says that Karen was right. Tom agrees. "And I was wrong," the Veep says, adding that he was also wrong about Wayne. He whines that he was too hard on Wayne before -- that being President is hard, dude. You know what's better than listening to a president complain about the burdens of office on this show? Listening to two of them do it in one season. Tom suggests that maybe the Veep should cut Karen a little slack, since she turned out to be right and all. The Veep is still pissed about her insubordination, though. Tom says that the Veep doesn't want the details of his spat with Karen made public, so he should just put Karen and Buchanan out to pasture after the crisis is over, letting them "retire to their country home in Vermont." The Vermont tourism board duly takes 24 off of its shit list. The Veep says that he'll think about it later, but for now he wants an update from CTU. The episode is almost over, after all, so something shocking is certain to happen any minute.
At 4:55:22, the beach is swarming with CTU agents. Kiefer's on his cell phone to CTU, telling Nadia that Doyle will live, but that he's going to be blind in at least one eye. "I should have listened to you, Jack," says Nadia. Drink! Kiefer lets her off the hook for that and asks how satellite coverage is coming. It's almost back online, but Chloe says that it's going to be tough to find a boat that small in the dark. Damn, if only they had infrared. Kiefer says that it wasn't that big a boat, so they must be meeting up with something bigger that's not that far out at sea. He glances out at the ocean, like he's going to spot the boat with his naked eyes. He doesn't, but he notices something we haven't seen before now: a row of offshore oil rigs sits on the horizon like a Borg invasion fleet, their lights glowing in the distance. And suddenly, so is a light bulb above Kiefer's head. He tells CTU to start researching every oil platform in a ten-mile radius, because he just remembered that his dad's company is connected to oil rigs all up the coast. Chloe says that she's on it, and heads back to her desk. Morris notices that Chloe's suddenly walking like she's got a potato chip up her butt that she's trying not to break. His only reaction is a concerned look. Perhaps it's his potato chip.
At 4:56:22, Kiefer's dad is indeed on an oil platform. He's probably been there all night, in fact, which makes me feel a bit guilty about assuming that he was holed up in his office all this time. Only a bit, though. At this point, he's standing on a landing just above the stairs to the platform's boat jetty, radioing to his commandos to dock on the northeast side of the platform. Cheng comes down to join Dad on the landing and asks when he gets his component. Dad says that Cheng will get it when Josh arrives, which satisfies Cheng. I don't know why Cheng doesn't point out that Dad is on an oil platform with Cheng and about ten other heavily armed Chinese agents, while Dad's own men are out in a boat somewhere, which means that Cheng could really just take the component from him right now. He says that Dad is making the right choice in continuing his alliance with China. "Your mistakes today have been totally unacceptable," Dad says waspishly. "But China is still my future." Lucky, lucky China. Cheng wants the component badly enough to hold his tongue; he just nods and walks away from the asshole. Dad returns to the railing to stare into the dark water. He winces like he's got a sudden headache, and looks up. Right into a splitscreen window that shows Kiefer staring right back over the water in his direction. It's very Luke and Vader, except stupider.
Chloe's computer search for the relevant oil platform isn't going well, especially with the way her vision keeps blurring. After a moment, she gets up and hobbles over to Morris to ask him for some technical advice. Morris drones a tip without looking up. Chloe mutters that that's a good idea, and is about to go have Nadia call whomever for whatever access she needs. Morris asks again if she's all right. Chloe says again that she is, but when she starts to walk away, she topples to the floor instead. Morris is right up out of his chair, cradling his unconscious ex in his arms and calling for help. "Darling, can you hear me?" he asks, fear in his voice. He looks up and yells more forcefully, "Can someone please help me?!" Sorry, Morris, all the speaking roles are busy, and nobody else around here is authorized to do more than stand and stare whenever something happens. You're on your own, buddy. It's 5:00:00.