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Kiefer doesn't waste much time rescuing Milo and Marilyn from the bad guys who were chasing them, and Marilyn's even quicker to tell Kiefer the truth about his dad's dastardly deeds. Now that Kiefer's in that loop, he coaches Marilyn through a phone conversation in which she refuses to give him Gredenko's location without first seeing Josh. Moments later, they're on their way to Dad's swank hotel suite. Morris continues to unravel, to the point where he goes for a walk and ends up buying booze, and Chloe and Milo end up covering for him. Tom's about to blow the whistle on Chad Lowe, but gets knocked out by him instead. When CTU arrives at Gredenko's house, the Russian is gone, and when Kiefer and Marilyn arrive at Dad's hotel room, so are Dad and Josh. Dad's still holding the kid, so Kiefer offers a prisoner swap: himself for Josh. The trade goes ahead, and it looks like Dad is going to execute his own son. But while Kiefer's waiting for the bullet in the back of the head, Dad ducks out, leaving behind a cell phone with a number on it. Kiefer dials it and finds, on the other end, former president Charles Logan. Well, of course that's the step in the investigation. What else would it be? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Kiefer must be slowing down, because it took him the entire length of the previouslies to reach the burning SWAT van where Milo and Marilyn abandoned it. By the time he arrives, nobody's there. Walking around the vehicle so that he can watch it burn from several different angles, Kiefer whips out his cell phone to call Buchanan. He reports that they got ambushed; the house was wired to blow, and now half his team is dead. He wants Buchanan to send medical assistance to the decoy address, in order to patch up the other half, and adds, "Bill, they knew we were coming." You think? But he thinks it's Gredenko who laid the trap, so he's only half right. He says that right now he has to find Marilyn and Milo, because he figures bad guys are chasing them. Buchanan promises to have a team there in ten minutes. Kiefer finds Milo's dropped PDA, figures that's the direction they're headed, and dashes off in pursuit. Milo will certainly be relieved to get that PDA back.
For now, though, Kiefer's got other things on his mind. A few blocks away, Milo and Marilyn are fleeing on foot through an industrial area. Who the hell did the zoning in the 24-verse, anyway? They just drove through a playground five minutes ago, and now they've run to where they're surrounded by warehouses and loading docks. And I'm not even done bitching about zoning this week. Milo's practically dragging Marilyn along, since she's ready to drop in exhaustion. That makes sense; Milo's a computer technician, whereas Marilyn's just a wimpy girl. With the three remaining bad guys only one corner behind them, Marilyn and Milo hit a dead end. Milo leads Marilyn to a hiding place behind a pair of Dumpsters. The bad guys catch up and start ranging around the area looking for them. The lead bad guy -- a bearded fellow named Hacker -- takes advantage of this lull in the chase to report in to Dad.
Dad's still with Josh, and they're in a very nice hotel suite indeed. This must be why Dad's so keen to protect his company; if his revenue stream dries up, he'll be hanging in squalid little chain hotels with numbers in their names. Josh is watching news reports of the nuclear explosion's aftermath on a gigundous plasma screen when Dad goes to answer his cell phone. Ducking into the bathroom for some privacy, Dad hears Hacker say, "We took out the CTU team." "So is my son dead?" asks Dad. Hacker says that he is. Dad closes his eyes sadly, and then mutters, "Had to be done." Remarkable equanimity for a guy who went from having two sons to being childless in one afternoon. Hacker also reports that they don't have Marilyn yet, but that they're in pursuit. He doesn't expect it to be long, since Milo doesn't look to him like a field agent. Or drive like one, obviously. Dad wants to be sure they take Marilyn alive, because he needs her if he's going to find Gredenko. Hacker acknowledges this and hangs up, and then glances over at the Dumpsters hiding Marilyn and Milo at 3:05:12. He knows where they are, but he plays it cool. He calls his sidekicks over.
That's still enough to tip off Milo. "They know we're here," he whispers to Marilyn. Thinking quickly, he comes up with a plan: he's going to cover her, and she needs to run back down the alley as fast as she can. Great plan. He waits until the bad guys get close enough, and then tells her, "Go!" and opens up with his automatic. The bad guys duck for cover behind a parked pickup. Marilyn runs out, freaks, and runs back to Milo. Of all the things wrong with Milo's plan, that's the one I didn't see coming. The bad guys start shooting back, and Milo falls back behind the Dumpsters with a bullet through his shoulder. The bad guys start moving in. "I told you to go!" Milo yells at Marilyn. She sobs that she couldn't, as she stares in horror at the bullet hole he just took for her, in vain. The bad guys come around the Dumpster. They've stopped shooting, because they don't want to kill Marilyn and Milo's out of ammo anyway. Hacker starts to drag Marilyn away, telling the others to kill Milo. They drag him to his feet and throw him up against a chain link fence, and then level their weapons.
But just when it looks like Milo's about to join Jesse and Gabe in that big Eric Balfour video scrapbook in the sky, Kiefer shows up just in time. He quickly guns down Milo's would-be killers. While he's busy with this, Hacker doesn't take advantage of the opportunity to kill Kiefer. Instead, he uses Marilyn for a shield and threatens to kill her if Kiefer doesn't drop his weapon. Kiefer ain't playing, though: "If you wanted to kill her, she'd be dead by now. Drop your weapon or I will use mine!" Hacker releases both Marilyn and his gun, and Kiefer screams at him to get to his knees and put his hands on his head, and then face the fence. Pinning Hacker to the fence with his body, Kiefer hollers, "Milo, let me see it!" Still using his outside voice for some reason. Milo staggers over, and Kiefer quickly ascertains that the bullet went straight through without nicking an artery. Which means that Milo's going to live, at least until Eric Balfour gets his hundredth pilot. Kiefer gives his gun to Milo. He has two good reasons for doing so. One is so that the hostile captive can be covered by a wounded man, and the other is so that he can have both hands free to grab Marilyn by the throat and throw her up against a garage door. He blames her for tipping off Gredenko and getting half his team killed. And at a very high volume, too. He's so close that Marilyn has to cross her eyes to look at him. Crying uncontrollably, Marilyn says that they weren't Gredenko's men. Kiefer demands to know who sent them, in that case. She finally wails, "Your father!" As Kiefer absorbs this shocking news, Marilyn elaborates that Dad said he'd killed Graem and threatened to kill Josh unless Marilyn led Kiefer to the wrong house. Kiefer turns away and probably acts the hell out of this moment, but I'm too distracted by Marilyn's bright-red crying lips in the out-of-focus background to notice.
Finally, Kiefer pulls his shit together, turns back to her, and quietly asks whether she knows the correct address. He promises to protect Josh, but says they need to find Gredenko if they're going to stop the nuclear attacks from continuing. Marilyn tearfully says she spotted the right house while they were driving, and rattles off an address: 9421 Glascoe. I'm kind of impressed that she was able to keep that in her head after what she's been through in the last ten minutes. Kiefer calls Buchanan again. He relays the correct address, and Buchanan says that Turner's team will be there momentarily. Maybe he should get an explanation on how the first address turned out to be so explosively wrong before dispatching another team, wouldn't you think? He asks Kiefer to run point on Gredenko Two: The Gredenkening, but Kiefer declines. Instead, he wants a CTU team sent to pick him up where he is, and to make sure he gets a CTUmobile with a full tactical kit. Plus Milo needs to be brought back so that he can get patched up and be put back to work within the hour. Kiefer is about to sign off, asking Buchanan to call him back as soon as they nab Gredenko. Buchanan's really not sure about all this, and I can't really blame him. Kiefer just lost half of the last team he had, and now he's asking for two more? Plus, as far as Buchanan still knows, Kiefer killed his brother. And now Kiefer is asking Buchanan to trust him. "This is personal," says Kiefer, and hangs up with a small twinge of guilt. "This is personal"? That should make Buchanan feel better. Of course he's totally going to send the CTU team like Kiefer asked, because that's how he rolls. "How could I have been so stupid?" Kiefer wonders. And in case you forgot what his dad looks like, father and son each get their own split screen windows so that we can gaze upon them side by side. It's 3:09:46.
3:14:12. At CTU, Chloe goes over to Morris's desk and asks whether he's finished the "vectors." He says no. Oh for fuck's sake, how long does it take to finish a goddamn vector anyway? A vector should practically finish itself if you know what you're doing. And no, I have no idea what I'm talking about. Chloe offers to help, and Morris bitches that he doesn't "want this to turn into another conversation about whether I'm okay." He quickly apologizes to Chloe, though, placing his hand on hers. She suggests that he talk to a staff psychologist or his sponsor. Sponsor? Either Morris is a twelve-stepper or he's about to have a very disappointed corporate backer. Nadia shows up to give them an update on what just happened in the field. She mentions that Milo was shot while holding off three armed hostiles: "From what I understand, he's going to be up for a commendation." Just what Morris wants to hear. She asks Morris to debrief Milo when he gets back, and Morris takes it very personally indeed. "The nukes are armed because I'm a coward and now you want me to listen to Milo talk about what a bloody hero he is. Ugh. Coincidence?" Mortified for him, Chloe does a facepalm while Nadia gives Morris a WTF look. Chloe stands and says that it'll be taken care of. Nadia leaves, and Chloe snaps at Morris, "Obviously I pushed you back to work too soon. I'll have someone from District relieve you." Morris says that'll only make him feel worse -- because of course this is all about him -- and that he'll be fine after he takes a little walk. Chloe tells him to be back in time for their second run at Gredenko, and Morris walks off across the floor.
At 3:15:52, CTU has arrived at the scene of Milo's heroics. See? Told you Buchanan would roll over. Milo's got his arm all bandaged as he's led to a vehicle, holding his hand above the wound like you're supposed to. Of course, you're also not supposed to get shot in the first place, so most of us are already doing better than Milo is. Meanwhile, Kiefer's standing to the open tailgate of a CTUmobile with Hacker. He asks Hacker for his cell phone so that they can call Dad. "The scramble collar has to be enabled," Hacker says, all helpful-like. Kiefer plugs it into an open tech case in the back of the CTUmobile so that it can do its thing for a minute, its "thing" in this case being "giving Kiefer a minute to talk to Marilyn." He goes over to her and explains that Hacker doesn't know where Dad and Josh are, so Kiefer has to "force [Dad's] hand." Marilyn asks what that means, although you can tell she thinks it means "get Josh killed," and she's not far off. Kiefer explains that Hacker's going to call Dad and tell him he's nabbed Marilyn, but that Marilyn won't cooperate until Marilyn sees Josh in person. And then Marilyn is going to have to tell Dad the same thing and stand firm in the face of whatever Dad threatens to do, which is likely to include killing Josh. Marilyn isn't happy about her son being used as a pawn to capture Dad, so Kiefer once again promises to do everything he can to keep Josh safe. Marilyn asks how they know Hacker won't betray them. "He wants to live," Kiefer replies. Seems to me like that would be a stronger argument against betraying a cold-blooded murderer like Dad, but it appears to work on Marilyn. They rejoin Hacker by the CTUmobile.
A shot through the window of Dad's hotel room lets us know that he's picked a place right by the airport, in case that's relevant. Inside, Josh is still trying to watch the news, until Dad turns it off. He tries to have a little heart-to-heart with Josh about how proud his father was of him. At first I wonder why Dad's talking about Kiefer in the past tense, but then I remember that he thinks Kiefer's dead. Josh doesn't really feel like talking about this, so Dad lets it drop at 3:17:55.
Out in the field, Hacker's ready to make the call, as Kiefer sticks in a fresh earpiece and warns him that he'll be able to hear both sides of the conversation. He hands Hacker the phone and tells him to dial. Back in the hotel suite, Dad answers the phone and asks, "Do you have her?" Hacker says he does, but that it's just him now. Dad wants him to put together a new team to hit Gredenko, and Hacker plays his part, saying that Marilyn won't cooperate until she sees Josh. Dad wants to talk to Marilyn, so Hacker hands her the phone. Marilyn demands to see Josh, just like she's supposed to. Dad doesn't want to, just like Kiefer expected, and tries to avoid the situation by talking around it. "You made your deal with Graem; now make a deal with me." Meanwhile, Josh gets bored of sitting alone in the other room, so he gets up to see what his grandfather's up to. Boy, is he in for a surprise. Meanwhile, Marilyn holds firm, but so does Dad. "Tell me where [Gredenko] is," he demands. Marilyn looks at Kiefer, who shakes his head at her. She says no again. Dad's starting to get pissed: "I will walk into the room and I will kill him. Right now." Overhearing this, even Josh can't miss the significance of that statement. And how is it that Dad's been able to get away with so much for so long when he can't even keep a teenager in the dark for an hour? And a Bauer teenager, at that? As hard as it is for Marilyn to refuse, she does so again. "Give him back the phone," says Dad, and Marilyn does, before breaking down in Kiefer's arms. Dad tells Hacker to bring Marilyn to see him at the Grandmont Hotel, room 2132. They hang up. Kiefer peels Marilyn off of himself and congratulates her on a job well done. Hacker's cuffed and stuffed in the car, and the whole group is on its way. Except the CTU guys who actually delivered the car, who I assume will be walking home.
Dad comes out of the bathroom and meets Josh coming out of the far room, like he's been hanging there the whole time and never heard a single word of what his grandfather was saying on the phone, no sir not Josh. Josh attempts the old Rita gambit of trying to leave the room to hit the vending machine. Dad suggests hitting the minibar instead. Wow, he really is rich. Josh says that he's in the mood to wander anyway. But when he reaches for the door, Dad's got his gun out, pointed at the floor but clearly visible. "No one's life is worth the destruction of everything I've built," he threatens. "Now step away from the door." It's 3:21:22. Um, who does Dad plan to leave this great company to anyway, if he keeps killing off his heirs like this?
At 3:25:45, Chad Lowe paces worriedly in the White House Bunker's steam pipe trunk distribution venue. Tom enters, making an excuse about a meeting having gone long. He hands Chad Lowe the requested itinerary and asks, "When does all this happen?" "Now," says Chad Lowe, explaining that Tom just needs to provide authorization for a certain individual to enter the Bunker: "Once he's inside, he'll carry the ball." Two episodes of euphemisms turns out to have been more than enough for Tom, who clarifies that "carry the ball" in this context means "kill the president." That's the first time either of them has used those words. Chad Lowe says that they're pretty much committed now, and hands Tom a dossier on the person whose entry he's authorizing. He explains that the "ball-carrier" is a private security consultant who already has Level 2 clearance. He just needs an upgrade from Tom. Tom says that it'll be traceable back to him, but Chad Lowe assures him that they have a cover in place: they'll blame it on Assad. Damn, that was some quick planning. Nobody even knew Assad was going to be in the building as of this morning. Also, do they really expect anyone to believe that Assad arranged for a security upgrade? Or maybe I'm being too literal. Tom has his doubts as well, although his seem to be based on shock that they're going to set up a stand-up ex-terrorist like Assad to take the fall. Chad Lowe tells Tom just to call in his authorization code and everything will be fine. Tom's cell phone rings. Hey, is that somebody calling for his authorization code? No, it's just Wayne's Secret Service guy, summoning Tom for a quick talk with the prez. Tom says that he'll be right there, and then hangs up and starts to leave. Chad Lowe pissily says that their guy will be there within an hour, and tells Tom to call him when he's finished. Tom leaves without another word. Interesting how the balance of power has shifted in this relationship. Of course, by "interesting" I mean "not remotely believable."
I don't know how remote this secret location of Chad Lowe's could possible be, because Tom is knocking on the door of Wayne's conference room within five seconds. Wayne invites him in, asking Tom for some notes on Assad's speech. Tom drops a petty little snit about how he didn't think Wayne cares what he thinks anymore. Wayne soothes his Chief of Staff's bruised ego and hands him the printout of Assad's speech draft. Tom accepts it and sits down so that they can go over it together. Am I the only one who thinks Wayne is spending too much time on this project? I seem to remember that Jed Bartlet frequently had to divide a single hour of his life between foreign embassy raids, political assassinations, sinking aircraft carriers, fractious daughters, and space shuttles in distress, all while Rizzo kept calling him a jackass. And here's Wayne spending three hours on an address he isn't even delivering. Dude needs to learn how to multitask.
At 3:28:16, Gredenko's tech guy is still busy at his laptop. Gredenko is starting to worry about his exposure; he figures that if the government doesn't already know they're working with Fayed, they soon will. Way to keep up, Dmitri. He draws the shades, cutting off the poor tech guy's sunshine and littering his desk with an empty paper coffee cup. Bad boss. Bad!
Morris has walked all the way to a convenience store. Weird zoning again on this show. In past seasons, we've seen that CTU is within blocks of a suburban neighborhood and a train yard, and now there's a Gas & Sip as well. You'd think such a perennial terror target would select a more remote location. Morris steps up to the counter to buy a Red Bull and a pack of smokes. He doesn't get to pay for them right away, though, because the cashier's attention is being consumed by the TV behind the counter, which is showing a harrowing interview with a survivor of that morning's nuclear blast. And now Morris has to think about that happening again times three because he couldn't hold his mud. "Hell of a day, huh?" the cashier remarks to Morris. "Yeah, you could say that," Morris agrees sarcastically. He refrains from showing the cashier his fresh drill-hole. The cashier asks if Morris needs anything else. Morris points to a fifth of non-product-placed whisky on the shelf behind the counter. He quickly grabs it, and snags a tin of Altoids as well, telling the cashier to keep the change. Once he's outside, Morris walks out, uncaps the bottle, and takes a giant swig, draining half the bottle at a draught. He breathes deep for a moment, and then sticks his finger down his throat and vomits on the ground between the store's Dumpsters. We get to see it hit the pavement and everything. Want some Coke with that?
Back at CTU, Chloe picks her cell phone up off her desk to call Morris. He's still crouched to the Dumpsters, his face twisted in misery, when his cell phone rings. So they recovered it from the site of his carjacking already? CTU thinks of everything. He looks at the caller ID, takes a couple of rings to pull himself together, and answers just enough to say "I'm on my way." Chloe says that she needs him back now. "I'm on my way," he repeats, and hangs up. He cries a bit more, and then pops a few Altoids and staggers back toward work. In his current mood, I'm surprised he doesn't feel personally mocked by something that claims to be curiously strong.
At 3:30:43, Kiefer drives his CTUmobile into an underground parking garage. He and Marilyn get out and go around to the back of the truck. He gets a bulletproof vest out and asks her to put it on under her clothes. It's kind of a girly version -- thin enough to preserve the line of her blouse but probably incapable of stopping a harsh word. He politely turns his back while she strips to her camisole, and she looks a bit disappointed that Kiefer isn't watching. Hacker probably has a great view through the rearview mirror, though. She needs his help getting dressed again, as her hands are shaking because she's such a girl. Kiefer promises again to get Josh back safely. "He's the only reason I stayed with Graem," Marilyn says. "He's the only good thing I had left since..." Kiefer runs a gnarled hand down her hair and gives her a sympathetic look, and then cuts off this jibber-jabber. This conversation isn't going anywhere he wants to be, and it's time for them to get going anyway. He lets Hacker out of the truck, uncuffs him, and tells him to do exactly as Kiefer says. It's 3:32:16 as they head to the stairwell.
At 3:36:44, Morris is on his way back into CTU. He happens to pass by the clinic, where Milo is sitting on a hospital bed with a fresh dressing on his arm. Morris enters and asks how Milo's doing, clearly affected by the sight of Milo's bloody and discarded dress shirt puddled at the end of the bed instead of in a biohazard container where it belongs. You know, to Morris's bloody and discarded dress shirt. He asks Milo what happened, and Milo says that he was stupid: "They don't pay me to be a field agent." Don't feel bad, Milo; they haven't paid Kiefer for that either since three seasons ago. Morris gives Milo props for protecting Marilyn. Milo gingerly gets to his feet, saying that he didn't know what he was doing. Oh, he noticed that too? Well, now I feel bad. Okay, not really. Morris tells Milo not to "downplay it to make me feel better." Milo becomes the latest to give Morris a "this isn't about you" face, but he simply agrees and asks if Morris is okay. Morris says he is, and with one last "Well done," he leaves Milo alone, looking confused. Okay! Good debriefing!
In Wayne's conference room, he tells Tom how much he likes his suggested changes to Assad's speech. Tom modestly accepts Wayne's compliment, and then asks to be excused so that he can hurry up and get back to plotting Wayne's death.
Less than ten seconds later, Tom meets up with Chad Lowe again in the hallway and they duck into the steam pipe trunk distribution venue once again. How many times do they think they can get away with that before somebody notices? They're turning that doorway into a heavy traffic area. Tom explains that Wayne wanted to go over Assad's speech. "Which he'll never get the chance to deliver," Chad Lowe all but cackles. He's stressing out about how long it's taking to authorize clearance for Wayne's killer. Tom promises to push it through as fast as he can, and sends Chad Lowe out to meet the guy at the door. But then as soon as Tom's alone, he gets on his cell phone and gets put right through to the highest ranking Secret Service guy onsite, an Agent Hollister, instead. It's good to be the Chief of Staff. Tom tells Hollister that he has to show him something immediately. Hollister says that he can be there as soon as someone relieves him in fifteen minutes, but Tom can't wait that long. He's on his way to go find Hollister in person, but as soon as he opens the door to the hallway, Chad Lowe reaches in and conks him on the head with a Maglite. It's a three-"D"-cell model instead of a four, which is why Tom only reels on the floor instead of immediately dropping unconscious or dead. The question of how Chad Lowe got his hands on a heavy-duty flashlight so quickly is one that will have to be tabled for now. Closing the door behind himself, Chad Lowe drama-queens, "Carson didn't want me to bring you into this...but I defended you!" Does he expect Tom to thank him for that? From behind the ring of little tweeting cartoon birdies circling his head, Tom grunts, "Nothing justifies the killing of a president." Chad Lowe says that they have no choice. Tom tries to get up, but only gets another imprint of the word "etilgaM" stamped across his forehead for his trouble. This time he's both down and out. Chad Lowe steals Tom's security pass, and then calls Agent Hollister back to tell him that Tom's "issue has been resolved." Tom lies unconscious on the ground, looking quite resolved indeed.
Morris joins the gathering in the CTU Situation Room, which is already in progress. He takes the empty seat to Chloe, who gives him a more potent Chloe-glare than usual. Nadia announces to the room that Marilyn came through for them; the house at the address she provided belongs to "a Russian shell corporation that Gredenko has a hidden interest in." Not that well hidden, clearly. Buchanan, his hair looking a bit lavender under the bluish lights in this scene, tells Chloe to set up the satellite feed. As she complies, she hisses at Morris, asking what took him so long. Morris grunts an apology. Chloe makes up some technobabble excuse to get her and Morris out of the room for a couple of minutes, and she uses the opportunity to buttonhole him about the liquor she smells on his breath. She's beyond angry and hurt, to the point where I think the question of what split them up in the first place has been fairly well answered. Morris insists that he took one drink and spat it right out. "I am stone-cold sober," he says soberly. He doesn't say what he did with the rest of the bottle. And I'm sorry to say it, but the fact that he's wearing his shirt untucked and seemed to have both hands down the back of his waistband at the beginning of the act is causing me to form a rather uncharitable theory. Chloe says that she has to tell Buchanan. Morris quickly makes his excuses, and says that he realized in time that he didn't want to throw everything away: "Especially you. Especially you. And I stopped myself, and that is a little victory." He promises never to do it again, and begs Chloe to not to tell Buchanan: "Because you're right. Me getting back to work is the best medicine." Well, that and Antabuse. Still so upset that she can barely look at him, Chloe says she's going to be watching him, and tells Morris to call his damn sponsor already. He quickly agrees to both conditions, and the O'Brians return to the Situation Room at 3:42:23, not having accomplished any technobabble of any kind.
Even so, moments later they've got Agent Turner and his field team on live video and audio as they move in on Gredenko's safe house. Armored agents burst in the front and back doors, and it's only the work of a few seconds to ascertain that nobody's there. Even Gredenko's coffee cup is nowhere to be seen. Buchanan tells Chloe to send Kiefer a text message saying that Gredenko is still at large. Because God forbid that they should distract Kiefer with an actual telephone conversation while he's busy with a mission that he refuses to tell anyone about.
It's 3:43:42, and Kiefer has insisted on making everyone take the stairs to the 21st floor for some reason. As they emerge from the stairwell into the hallway, Kiefer's text message arrives: "Gredenko not at location." He blows it off when Marilyn asks what it is, and warns Hacker not to try to alert Dad. "Once he sees that you brought me here, he's more likely to shoot you than I am." He tells Hacker and Marilyn to walk ahead, saying that he'll follow when Dad lets them in. But the plan quickly changes when they reach the room and see that the door is already ajar. Kiefer tells Marilyn to hang back, and enters the room using Hacker as a shield/hostage. He's wasting the effort, though, because the suite is as empty as Gredenko's safe house was. Hacker swears that he doesn't know where Dad is, and Kiefer angrily shoves him into a chair. Marilyn comes in and asks where Josh is. Kiefer tells her to stay calm -- you know, like he is -- and makes Hacker handcuff himself. The room phone rings, and Kiefer asks Marilyn to answer it on speaker mode. "Hello, Marilyn," says Dad's voice. "Jack, even when you were young, I learned never to underestimate you." What, no love for Hacker? Dad tells them to look out the window to the roof of the building over. They do, and Marilyn gasps to see Dad standing in the access doorway with one hand holding his cell phone to his ear and the other holding a gun pointed at the back of Josh's neck. And also at Dad's hair, which isn't being done any favors by the wind up there. He looks like he's being dragged through a hedge backward. Facing each other across the street but talking over the phone, Kiefer tells Dad that his only choice now is to try to cut a deal with the government. Dad doesn't think he'll ever get immunity after everything that's happened. Kiefer tells him he doesn't know that: "Right now they are desperate." And those twelve thousand people who were instantly converted into airborne isotopes less than six hours ago? Bygones. Either way, Kiefer says, Dad's finished: "There's no empire to protect. There's no legacy left. There is Marilyn, Josh, and me. That's it." At least until the show decides to give Kiefer a sister season. And right here is where the wheels start to come off the episode, as Kiefer offers to trade himself for Josh. Which means, as far as Kiefer's concerned, NukeHunt '07 is over so that he can be a hero and rescue his "nephew." Dad goes for it, and tells Kiefer to come alone and unarmed. Dad hangs up and pulls Josh back inside the building. Kiefer tells Marilyn to hang up, and then knocks Hacker unconscious with a sock in the mush. That'll learn him to be so helpful. Kiefer gets on his cell phone to have someone from CTU come pick up Hacker. As Kiefer and Marilyn leave the room, Kiefer says into Marilyn's stressed-out face, "This is our only chance." That line barely makes sense under the circumstances, but it's the kind of thing people say at the end of an act, so it stays. It's 3:46:57.
3:51:24. With his GSW barely three-quarters of an hour old, Milo returns to the CTU floor, still holding his hand up and now kitted out in a dashing black CTU t-shirt. He should throw his undamaged suit jacket back on over it for that cool-casual Huey Lewis look. Extra points if he rolls the sleeves. But first, he pulls Chloe aside to talk about Morris. It turns out that he smelled the booze on Morris's breath as well, back in the infirmary. I hope Altoids didn't pay very much for their product placement in this episode. Chloe says that she already talked to Morris about it. "He didn't metabolize the alcohol," she tells a confused Milo. She relays Morris's story, and adds, "I was married to him. If he was drunk, I would know. He's not drunk. He's been sober for three years." It's news to Milo that Morris was an alcoholic, and he thinks that they should tell Buchanan. Chloe wants to hold off, and promises to tell Buchanan herself if Morris slips again. Milo agrees. Doesn't it seem like only this morning Morris and Milo were at each other's throats?
Kiefer and Marilyn are in the building at 3:52:33, having just finished climbing their second stairwell in ten minutes. What is up with that, anyway? Did the Chinese torture Kiefer inside an elevator car or something? Kiefer tells her to wait there for Josh, assuring her that Dad will keep his word as long as Kiefer keeps his. He cocks his gun and hands it to Marilyn, asking her if she knows how to use it. She doesn't, because she's a girl. "Point and shoot," Kiefer instructs. She obeys, and puts a slug in his skull. Not really. She offers to call CTU for help once she has Josh, but Kiefer says that he needs to take care of this himself. In other words, he's still covering for his dad for reasons that completely escape me. Touching the side of Kiefer's face, Marilyn thanks him. "Everything's going to be all right," Kiefer lies, and climbs the last flight of stairs to the rooftop door.
Kiefer emerges into daylight, hollering, "I'm unarmed!" He's wasting his breath, though, because Dad and Josh are nowhere to be seen. Kiefer makes his way over to another rooftop structure and opens the door, finding himself in some kind of cavernous, dimly lit utility room. He steps inside, holding his jacket open and repeating that he's unarmed. Dad steps out into view, Josh at his side. He tells Kiefer to turn around, and makes Kiefer lift his pant cuffs to prove that there's no ankle holster. Nice boots, though. I'm sure those didn't come with the slacks and dress shirt CTU provided him with this morning. Dad lets Josh walk slowly away while Kiefer walks slowly toward him. When they meet, Kiefer tells Josh where to find Marilyn, and tells him to go. Josh dashes the rest of the way out, but fails to careen clear over the roof railing. Instead, he quickly finds Marilyn in the stairwell, holding Kiefer's gun by its barrel like it's a TV remote, and the two of them hug and start rushing down the stairs.
Up in the utility room, Dad is giving Kiefer the obligatory self-justifying speech/plot explication that is required in situations like this. He explains that Gredenko somehow found out about his connection to David Palmer's assassination, and used the information to blackmail him into letting him keep some of the nukes. He insists that he didn't know Gredenko had provided them to Fayed until Valencia got nuked this morning, and that in order to put a stop to it, he's been looking for Gredenko ever since. During the breaks between trying to eliminate all of his descendants, that is. "I'm a patriot, Jack," claims Dad. "I never wanted any harm to come to this country." Kiefer calls bullshit. And he seems to think bullshit is very far away and therefore may not be able to hear him, so he calls it very loudly. "You let all this happen so you could cover up what you did!" Kiefer bellows. Dad tries to blame it all on Kiefer, saying that he would have handled Gredenko in time: "None of this would have happened if you hadn't turned your back on me." Kiefer looks away ashamed, instead of wishing that he hadn't agreed to come unarmed. "So that you could become, what? A civil servant?" Dad mocks. Okay, now I'm wishing I wasn't unarmed. Apropos of nothing, Dad says that CTU will now make Gredenko help them to find Fayed, and Dad will be exposed. Kiefer admits that they never found Gredenko. "Then all of this was for nothing," says Dad. Whatever that means. Shouldn't they be talking about how much Kiefer has told CTU about Dad's involvement in this? I'm sure Dad would be interested to know how far Kiefer has gone out of his way not to incriminate him. But I suppose if either of them brings that up, it'll raise the issue of how little sense that makes, and my credence is creaking under this last scene as it is.
It gets worse when Dad tells Kiefer to get on his knees. Which, given their height differential, seems redundant, but Kiefer obeys. As Dad walks around behind Kiefer and levels his gun at his son's head, he says, "It didn't have to end like this. You could have had it all." Hotel suites with gigundous plasma screens! The means to raid minibars with impunity! Dead offspring! The camera zooms in tight on Kiefer for his big speech as he says he never wanted Dad to think he was turning his back on him or the family. He says he just had to go his own way and do things for himself. Dad looks thoughtful as Kiefer concludes, "It was never good enough for you. I'm sorry." Oh, Kiefer, don't be such a wimp. Not now. Your dad's an asshole. Make him own it. Kiefer says that he's ready, and waits for the shot. Then he starts getting angry and jittery when it doesn't come, and finally turns around, saying, "Damn you!" Of course, Dad is gone, and he's got a thirty-second head start. Kiefer will never catch the old duffer now. Maybe it wasn't the best move to let Dad position himself between you and the door. Kiefer runs out and scans the roof; he then leans over the railing to check the sidewalk below, just in case. And then he notices a PDA left behind on the roof railing. The message simply says, "JACK CALL 310-597-3781." Yes, it's the fan phone number again. That thing really gets a workout. I don't know if Dad planned this all along, or if he changed his mind and did this on his way out. Which, unless he texts a lot faster than I do, would have burned about three minutes of his thirty-second head start. Instead of chasing after his Dad, Kiefer stalks across the roof thinking about his move as the end-of-episode splitscreen commences. We also see Wayne looking over Assad's speech, and Chad Lowe wiping his fingerprints off the strip of duct tape covering the mouth of the still-unconscious Tom before leaving him to rot in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue. Kiefer dials the fan phone number.
The owner of the cell phone connected to that number has clearly been waiting for the call, because he picks it right up and answers it as soon as it rings. I'm sure people dialing that number in real life have a much different experience. "Yes?" says the man, of whom we can't yet see anything but a mouth shrouded by a gray beard. Kiefer identifies himself and asks whom he's talking to. Instead of answering, the mystery voice smugs, "You must have exhausted all your options to find Gredenko." And also, this has stopped being a television show and become an '80s-era computer text adventure where you just happen to find shit for no reason except to advance the plot. Kiefer again asks who it is. "It's Charles Logan, Jack," says the ex-president. Dammit, I can't believe I didn't recognize his voice. Recognizing voices is my superpower. A couple of weeks ago I even recognized the voice of Kurt Fuller in a commercial. Who's Kurt Fuller, you ask? Exactly. Logan tells Kiefer, "I might be able to help you, but we need to talk face to face." He asks where Kiefer is and, upon hearing that Kiefer's near the airport, he says, "Good, you're local." Wait, don't other cities besides L.A. have airports? Otherwise how do people get there? Logan says, "CTU knows where I am. Come and see me, Jack. As soon as possible. And come alone." As the camera pulls back, we see that Logan is wearing a plaid shirt instead of an orange jumpsuit, and seems to be ensconced in some rustic setting rather than a jail cell. So the punishment for all his crimes was to become a lumberjack? Logan hangs up at 4:00:00, telling Kiefer, "I'm looking forward to it." Well, that makes one of us.