In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Kiefer's already back from China! Meanwhile, terrorists have been striking all over the U.S. for weeks, but a man named Fayed is willing to give up the terrorist behind it all -- a man named Assad -- in exchange for a private torture party for Kiefer. So President Wayne Palmer (David's little brother, remember?) accepts the deal, and Kiefer is handed over to Fayed. In other news, Milo's back at CTU, Chloe and her ex-husband Morris are back together, and Buchanan's married to Karen Hayes, who is now the National Security Advisor to President Wayne Palmer. In the apparent "what does this have to do with anything?" subplot, a seemingly innocent suburban guy named Ahmed sees his father arrested and ends up taking shelter with his neighbors. Then it turns out Ahmed actually is working with Fayed, so that paid off uncharacteristically quickly. While Fayed tortures Kiefer (because the last two years haven't been bad enough), he reveals what's really going on: it's Fayed, not Assad, who's behind the current wave of bombings. So Kiefer escapes, in hopes of preventing President Wayne Palmer from killing the wrong man. Can you even believe it? President Wayne Palmer! Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Well, we're back for another non-stop season of 24. This season finds our show weighted down with a few Emmys, including one for Kiefer and one for Best Drama. In light of these developments, I plan to begin treating this show with the respect and the gravitas it deserves. And there you have it: my first joke of the season.
Unless you're new, you're already aware that the 24 DVDs include short prequels for the upcoming season. We're starting with the Season 6 Prequel that was included on the Season 5 DVD set. So none of what I describe in the several paragraphs ever actually aired.
Oh, except this part: the last couple of minutes of the Season 5 finale. We get to relive the joy of seeing a beaten and bloodied Kiefer get dragged into the cargo hold of the freighter Shanghai. He once again asks for death, and once again the Consulate Cop drops some hardcore shit on him. Then, on a black screen, this title card: 7 MONTHS LATER. Do you think they were good months?
Probably not. In a barn somewhere in, presumably, China, a bearded, shirtless Kiefer, his hands cuffed high above his head by a chain hanging from the ceiling, is having electrical paddles applied to his torso. From behind a small, eye-level hatch that leads to another room, the Consulate Cop watches dispassionately. Hey, who's running security at the Chinese Consulate in L.A. while this guy is making Kiefer his pet project for years on end? His single-mindedness is certainly not in question, as we see him defying a torture guy's subtitled exhortations that they'll kill Kiefer if they don't stop for the day. Consulate Cop goes to confront Kiefer with a pair of glossy photos, and demands to know which of the two men, "Hong" or "Lee," is working for the U.S. government. Because Kiefer is completely up to speed on all of his government's covert Chinese operatives after seven months in prison, a year and a half underground, and another year as a Defense Department wonk. Whether he knows or not, Kiefer doesn't utter a word. Unless you count "Ungghgngh" as a word, since that is what he says when Consulate Cop orders the paddles applied again. Finally, CC orders Kiefer unchained and returned to his tiny, filthy cell.
Kiefer suffers on the floor of his unfurnished cell for an unspecified amount of time (no 7 MONTHS LATER title card, at least), until a silenced handgun goes of in the hallway outside and the uniformed guard falls to the floor. Two black-clad, hooded men enter Kiefer's cell, shining a flashlight in his face. In American-accented English, one of the men tells Kiefer that they're going to get him out. Kiefer just stares at them wide-eyed, until they all but drag him to his feet and into the hallway, where we can see that the putative rescuers are indeed quite Caucasian. So they must be for real, right?
It's nighttime outside the hut where Kiefer's been held. Kiefer's rescuers shoot at another uniformed guard, who goes down quietly. The little party darts through a pre-cut hole in the chain-link fence surrounding the building, and the two Americans leave Kiefer waiting in the dense underbrush outside while they push aside some branches to reveal -- dum da dum! -- the Toyota commercial they've stashed nearby. It certainly is an attractive vehicle, with its sporty styling and a shiny silver finish that's ideal for a nighttime escape. Kiefer is herded into the commercial and driven off, staying low on the back seat while we admire the car's traction, pickup, and handling. But before you know it, a couple of Chinese army Jeeps are in hot pursuit down the narrow dirt road, shooting futilely at the commercial's safety cage but failing even to trigger one of the standard side-curtain airbags. One of the Jeeps is quickly left in the dust, and the other is forced off the road soon after, no match for the Toyota's superior agility and speed. "We're clear now, Mr. Bauer," the driver says after executing a flawless j-turn. The commercial reaches a clearing, and the two Americans help Kiefer out of the car, promising him safe passage out of China. There's a whistle, and a figure steps out of the dark. It's "Mr. Hong," Kiefer is told, who has been working with the Americans. "Do you recognize him, Jack?" one of the "rescuers" asks. Kiefer just stands there, blinking in confusion. Then the scene is bathed in light and converging Chinese guys. Jack's Caucasian rescuers aren't holding him up anymore; they're just holding him. At this point, Consulate Cop arrives in his chauffer-driven Jeep and thanks Kiefer for "confirming [their] suspicions" about Hong, gloating, "You told us all we needed to know" before putting a bullet in Hong's head. Oh, whatever. Kiefer's reaction didn't seem conclusive to me at all, let alone to people watching in the dark from a distance. Anyway, as a crushed Kiefer is led off, Consulate Cop thanks the Americans and tells them, "Your money will be wired to your Swiss bank accounts." Great commercial. I think the message is: "Toyota, the vehicle for traitors. Brought to you by GMC."
And then the title card advertises the two-night, four-hour season premiere, which, gosh golly, I do so look forward to that every year. By which I of course mean, fuck you, Fox.
Okay, we're starting the clock with a shout-out to MarquisDCarabas. The Viewer Discretion Guy is particularly emphatic this time.
In the predawn darkness of Los Angeles, a group of commuters stands at a bus stop watching TV monitors mounted on a pedestal. These TVs apparently avoid being vandalised by constantly broadcasting Fox News, meaning that anyone who attacks one of the screens wakes up at Gitmo. The announcer tells us that there has been a "wave of death;" terrorist bombs have gone off in ten U.S. cities in the past eleven weeks, killing over 900 Americans. Wow, that sounds bad. One of the people at the bus stop is a Middle-Eastern-looking guy with a satchel over his shoulder, and as the Fox News announcer exhorts citizens to report "suspicious persons" to Homeland Security, the guy finds himself the subject of some indiscreet looks and whispering from his fellow commuters of more infidel persuasions. His morning gets worse when he realizes that his bus is about to leave without him, but he runs up to the closed doors and asks in accented English to be let on so that he can get to work on time. The bus driver just looks at him through the doors, then turns away and drives off, much to the Arab-American's noisy indignation and to a complete lack of protest from any of the other passengers. Especially the Asian-looking kid on the bus who adjusts his own bag in the seat to him. As the bus approaches a busy intersection near what looks like a Frank Gehry building, the kid presses a button on his non-iPod personal music player and the bus detonates. Like, twelve times. What the hell was he listening to, anyway? ["That's what happens when you go with an off-brand MP3 player." -- Wing Chun] Nearby cars explode, spin out, etc. The Gehry building may also be damaged; it's hard to tell because those always look pretty blown-up to begin with. On the other hand, if there's any justice in this country, the frustrated Arab commuter will never be mistaken for a terrorist again.
The sun's already up in Washington, D.C., and we're in a room that, despite all the Presidents 24 has burned through, we've never actually seen before on this show: the Oval Office. The OO is crowded with high-ranking presidential staff, and the floor is currently being held by the White House Chief of Staff, Tom Lennox. He's being played by Peter MacNicol, whose character on Numbthreers was recently shot into space, and I can already tell that I'm going to hope this show follows suit. He's in the midst of arguing for some kind of clearly draconian response (read: arrest all the brown people) to the recent spate of terror attacks, and he acts all surprised at the resistance of the National Security Advisor. Who happens to be none other than Karen Hayes. You might remember her as the Homeland Security boss who took over CTU after last season's nerve gas attacks, and then got asked out by Buchanan at the end of the day. Looks like at least one of those developments has worked out well for her. At the moment, Karen and Tom are arguing about "concentration camps" (her term) versus "detention facilities" (his), and she accuses him of wanting to lock up "every American who prays to Mecca." She says that the Muslim-American community has given hundreds of tips, "and not a single member of that community has been implicated in these attacks." "So far," Tom scoffs, turning to the man behind the big desk. And let me just say, right here, right now, that nothing I'm going to write in this recap, or perhaps the whole season, is going to be as funny as the three words that follow: President Wayne Palmer. This reveal is accompanied by the usual noise that the soundtrack on this show makes when a mid-level surprise arrives, which is that soft shhhingg! like somebody quietly unsheathing a sword. Probably not the most appropriate sound effect under the circumstances, but you try recording the sound of somebody unsheathing a rubber chicken.
Wayne (sorry, I'm just not ready to call him "President Palmer" yet) listens as Tom warns him that the American people are losing faith in the government's ability to protect them. Karen says, "Locking up more Muslims will not make them safer." Especially the Muslims. "No, Karen," Tom readily agrees, "but it will make them feel safer." Okay, forget shooting him into space. Shoot him into the side of a mountain. Wayne finally weighs in on the debate, reminding everyone that he took an oath to defend the Constitution just three months ago. So the bombings have been going on for half of his administration? I don't blame people for losing faith. A guy named Blake (White House Counsel, I assume) says that Tom's plan is totally legal, and that there are precedents. We get to hear about Lincoln suspending habeas corpus, and FDR interning 200,000 Japanese-Americans. Wayne reminds everyone that most people now think that was a "shameful mistake," and Tom wonders "how many of those Japanese-Americans were thus prevented from perpetrating acts of sabotage within this country." I would be willing to guess...less than half. Am I too out on a limb here?
Someone delivers a bulletin to Karen, and she announces to the room that there's just been another attack in Los Angeles. Twenty-three people are dead so far, including the suicide bomber. On the bright side, the damage from the explosion actually increased the value of the Gehry building. Wayne clenches his jaw, standing nervously and symbolically on the Presidential seal in his office rug. I totally want one of those rugs. He turns to look at an open dossier on his desk, which is about a guy named Hamril Al-Assad. (You won't be surprised to hear that the photo does not depict a towering Aryan.) And now, Tom and Karen actually agree on something, which is that Assad is the guy behind the recent attacks and therefore needs to be taken out. But Tom also advocates contingencies. Wayne insists that Assad needs to be eliminated, period. He flops into the Presidential chair and carps, "God knows we're paying a steep enough price to get him." And what price might you be paying, Wayne? As if we didn't already know. And I'm sorry, but I'm still trying to get past the idea that any America -- even the America of the 24-verse -- would elect Wayne Palmer President. Last year, he couldn't even do better than fourth in a poll consisting only of 24 viewers.
And now we're at CTU, where a couple of familiar faces are at work. One of them is Milo! Season 1 Milo! Milo who disappeared halfway through Season 1 because Eric Balfour got another show and never came back Milo! Except now he's back. As if watching this show isn't like falling through a time warp already. And the other guy is Chloe's ex-husband, Morris O'Brian, who showed up to help Chloe at the end of last season. Looks like he managed to parlay that into a steady gig here at CTU. But it's not going all that well for him, because Milo is giving Morris a hard time about how Morris never puts a cover on his TPS reports or some such. Morris is unintimidated, possibly because he's lost a lot of weight since last season and is feeling cockier than ever. "Do you -- and I'm just curious -- ever open your mouth without sarcasm just spilling out of it?" Milo asks, which is kind of sarcastic of him. He warns Morris to straighten up before he ends up selling women's shoes again. Morris finishes setting up their dynamic for the season: "I liked you fine as an analyst. Actually, you were very good. As a boss? Bit of a boor." As Milo boors off, he runs into Chloe -- looking relatively good this year in a flippy brown hairdo -- and tells her, "Talk to your boyfriend. He's on self-destruct." Chloe heads over to do just that, and presents herself as an example of one who managed to learn some social skills in order to succeed. Uh-huh. Can't wait to see those in action. Morris points out that Chloe also has the advantage of being a "hottie" as he gropes her ass. The charming thing about him is that he actually seems to believe it. As much as she digs the unprofessional flirting, Chloe changes the subject, asking if Morris got a priority request from Homeland Security. She's surprised to find out that she's the only one who did. Before heading off to look into it, she manages to get a promise from Morris to "try to get along." I'm enjoying Morris so far, but how much of an ass do you have to be when Chloe O'Brian is telling you to be nicer?
Chloe flags down a new character -- an attractive, pantsuited brunette named Nadia -- and asks her for clearance to open the channel Homeland Security wants opened. Nadia gives it, but this doesn't satisfy Chloe, even when Nadia says they have a lead on Assad's location and are preparing a helicopter assault. Chloe's confused, so Nadia non-explains, "Jack Bauer." Nadia clarifies that Wayne negotiated Kiefer's release from China two days ago. Chloe starts peppering Nadia with questions, but Nadia can't talk about it. "Can Bill Buchanan talk about it?" Chloe asks. Nadia informs her that Buchanan's meeting Kiefer at Point Mugu Naval Air Station as we speak.
It's 6:07:53 as an American military transport plane taxis to a stop on the tarmac in front of a waiting Buchanan and Curtis, the latter of whom comments to his boss that Wayne must have given up a lot to secure Kiefer's release. I know we're supposed to be really really curious about that, and if I thought the writers themselves knew yet, maybe I would be. Buchanan tells Curtis, "We don't know what his state of mind will be. If he doesn't co-operate, we'll need to be prepared." I guess that would explain all the armed soldiers also standing around, assault weapons at the ready. Like that's going to stop Kiefer if he wants to start some shit, whatever his condition. Curtis and Buchanan approach the plane's open tail section, and a number of suited Chinese guys -- including Consulate Cop, who perhaps now can go back to his actual fucking job -- disembark. From inside the symbolically red-lit hold, Kiefer himself is led off the plane, looking completely shell-shocked, with long, greasy hair and an unkempt, pointy beard. His hands are cuffed in front of him and he's wearing a set of rough, grubby blue pajamas. He blinks, his eyes pointed at the pavement. Consulate Cop is all formal, asking for Buchanan's signature on a form, but Buchanan, shocked at Kiefer's appearance, first orders Kiefer's cuffs removed. Consulate Cop gives an order, and the guards comply. We get a nice close-up on the gnarly-ass scar tissue on the back of Kiefer's hand when the cuffs come off. Curtis is the first to address Kiefer directly, telling him, "It's okay. Come with me." Without a word, and with a long look at Consulate Cop, Kiefer follows Curtis to a nearby hangar. Consulate Cop tells Buchanan, "He hasn't spoken a word in nearly two years." He also comments that Wayne paid a high price for Kiefer's release. Still not that curious. Buchanan walks off without bothering to respond. Nice try, but not speaking for two minutes is really not as impressive, dude.
Inside the hangar, Curtis leads Kiefer to sit in an office chair set up at a table with a desk lamp on it, which is shining down at a perfectly civilized angle. Buchanan comes in and tells Kiefer that "President Palmer wants to speak with you as soon as we debrief." Kiefer's eyes register confusion, and what I assume is horror. Buchanan realizes that Kiefer probably doesn't know that Wayne Palmer is POTUS now. Kiefer throws up in his mouth a little at the news. Twenty months he underwent horrific torture for the sake of his country, and then his country goes and does this. At 6:10:36, Buchanan opens a folder on the table and gives Kiefer the sitch: in the wake of all the recent terrorist attacks, they need to get Hamri Al-Assad. And one of Assad's men offered to give up Assad, in exchange for $25 million and Kiefer. Buchanan shows Kiefer a photo of the man in question, one Abu Fayed, who "wants his pound of flesh for what happened in Beirut." (We'll earn more about what happened in Beirut later this hour.) Buchanan says that they tried everything else ("How about $50 million and a DNA sample? What about $75 million and a full-length cardboard cutout?"), but Fayed was adamant. Curtis adds that since Fayed also demanded temporary access to all of CTU's surveillance systems, they can't get Kiefer back once they've handed him over. Buchanan sums up: "We're asking you to sacrifice yourself so we can eliminate Assad." After a long moment, Kiefer opens his mouth to utter his first word in twenty months: "Audrey?" Interesting choice. Buchanan says that Audrey doesn't know Kiefer's back, and neither does Spawn. "You keep it that way," Kiefer says, with a hard look at Buchanan. He looks down again, and quietly tells Curtis that he can put his gun away: "Before we do this, I would like to clean up." Curtis directs him to a little area they've curtained off, which actually looks kind of homey, with toiletries and a mirror and a water basin and everything. Kiefer looks at himself -- probably for the first time in a while -- and strips off his pajama jacket, revealing a horribly scarred torso. Many of the wounds are still fresh. His captors have been busy. He looks in the mirror, seeing that "cleaning up" is probably the one task that will prolong his life longer than anything. It's 6:13:24.
At 6:19:24, Karen Hayes is outside the Oval Office, in an area which looks completely different than it did on The West Wing. She gets a cell phone call from Buchanan, who's moaning that Kiefer's in even worse shape than he expected. Karen quietly sympathizes, and then admires the shiny new rings on her left ring finger and says, "I wish I were there with you." Yeah, it looks like their relationship has progressed since the end of Season 5. BuchAren shippers loudly agree -- all seven of them. Karen and Buchanan briefly miss each other, and then hang up so that Buchanan can take Kiefer to his death.
The Los Angeles bus explosion is already being reported on Fox News as Chloe watches the report on a CTU flat-screen. We also learn that Homeland Security has raised the threat level to Red for the first time. Stupid Wayne, you do that before an election! At 6:20:36, Chloe goes into the CTU Situation Room and buttonholes Nadia, saying that she can't reach Curtis or Buchanan and wants to know what's going on with Kiefer right now. She gives this whole speech about how she intends to find out one way or another. Nadia balks, pleading lack of authorization, but Chloe finally blackmails her by threatening to tell Division about some technobabble that Nadia screwed up on in the recent past and Chloe helped cover up: "If it weren't for me, you would have been fired over that." Nadia caves, telling Chloe what Buchanan told Kiefer -- that a guy named Fayed will give up Assad's location in return for Kiefer. Nadia further backstories that Kiefer was sent to Beirut to investigate a bombing of the U.S. Embassy in Lebanon in 1999. He nabbed Fayed's brother, and as Nadia delicately puts it, Fayed's brother "died while Jack was interrogating him." Think it was cancer? Chloe gets it, but she still wants to help set up a rescue mission. Nadia says that's impossible, because they gave Fayed access to all of their surveillance protocols as part of the deal, and Fayed won't provide Assad's location until he's away. Chloe asks how they even know Fayed will deliver. "We don't," Nadia admits. Chloe picks up the phone to call Karen and get her to talk to Wayne. Nadia informs her that Karen already knows, and so does Wayne. They made the deal after all. Chloe hangs up the phone, defeated. Nadia tells her, "I'm sorry about your friend...If we want these attacks to stop, Jack Bauer has to be sacrificed." Nadia leaves Chloe to her stewing.
From across the floor, Morris notices that something's up with his once and future, and blows off further blustering from Milo to go visit her at her desk. Chloe says that Kiefer's back in town. Morris is confused as to why she's not happier about it, but we cut away before Chloe can tell him (and us, for the third time).
Kiefer's self-grooming skills haven't deteriorated at all since Season 2; he's not only shaved, shorn and clad in a blue dress shirt buttoned to the collar; he's also been in the car for a while. In fact, it's full daylight. The sun sure comes up quick in California, doesn't it? He stares blankly out the backseat window at the scenery going by. Up in the shotgun seat, Buchanan's phone rings. It's Wayne, and he wants to talk to Kiefer. Buchanan turns to get Kiefer's attention, but he's unresponsive -- at least until Buchanan reaches back to touch Kiefer's shoulder, and nearly loses a hand when Kiefer jerks violently. Buchanan hands him the phone, which Kiefer puts to his ear. "Mr. President?" Kiefer croaks into it, with an admirably straight face.
From the Oval Office, Wayne starts into a characteristically Palmer-esque speech about how much he already owes Kiefer: "This is a desperate measure, Jack, but it's also a measure of our desperation." We see that Tom's in the room with Wayne, but he's got his back to the President so that his boss can't see his pained "Jesus, just get on with it already" expression. Kiefer apparently feels the same way, quietly telling Wayne that he already knows the score, and he's cool with it. Wayne promises Kiefer that his sacrifice won't be in vain. Kiefer thanks him and hangs up. If it were me, I would at least ask why Wayne waited until somebody wanted him dead to negotiate his release, if he could have done it all along. But then we're supposed to be kept wondering about that, and I refuse to get any more curious about it right now.
After the call, Wayne gets up to stare out his window and soliloquize that he thought he understood the job, having spent so much time with David watching him make impossible decisions. But now he's wondering if he's the right guy for the job. Aw, Wayne, don't beat yourself up. You learned everything David had to teach you, which basically consisted of making morally and strategically questionable decisions and then whining about it. David would be proud. As for Tom, he declines the pity-party invitation, saying that Wayne is the president, and that he will lead the country, whether he wants to or not. Tom says that sacrificing Kiefer is not a mistake, and that Wayne's brother would be doing the same thing. But how can both those statements be true? Wayne obviouses that it's still not right. Hey, Wayne, maybe you should discuss this dilemma with Ryan Chappelle. Oh, wait, you can't. Tom has no interest in right and wrong in this situation: "It's our only option. Bauer has to be sacrificed so this country can survive."
After delivering this dose of tough love without the love, Tom exits the Oval Office to find that Karen has been lying in wait for him. She confronts him with the rumor that he's authorized the National Guard to set up detention centers at convention centers in Detroit, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles (cities with high Muslim populations all, she doesn't add). Tom shrugs, confirms that he did, and starts to head off, but she points out that that contradicts Wayne's order from earlier. Tom condescendingly agrees to this as well, and makes to escape again, but Karen's not letting it drop. Tom claims that he's not actually implementing anything -- just "positioning" in order to be ready when Wayne inevitably changes his mind. Karen continues hounding him: "In plain English, you're second-guessing the President." Uh, yeah, Karen. That's what happens on this show. Try to keep up. Tom weasels, "Plain English does not allow for the nuances that my job requires, Karen." She makes the mistake of turning it into a policy debate instead of pursuing the issue of Tom's insubordination, saying that she worries about innocent people getting rounded up. He bitches, "Like I said before, security has its price. Just get used to it, Karen." He ducks into his office, squinting in annoyance at the fact that his office doesn't have direct connection to the Oval Office like Leo McGarry's always did so that he can avoid conversations like this.
It's 6:28:37 when Kiefer, Curtis, and Buchanan arrive at the drop point, which appears to be a dry concrete drainage ditch somewhere. Buchanan gets a call from Fayed, a bald, swarthy guy whose jaw and cheekbones are so prominent he almost looks like a talking skull. Sitting in the shotgun seat of a red van parked out of sight nearby, Fayed and his non-specific accent instruct Buchanan to handcuff Kiefer to the metal grate covering the nearest pipe opening. Buchanan wants Assad's location first, but Fayed isn't in the mood to talk, and would rather watch Buchanan do what he says on a handheld device that's giving him a live video feed of the drop point. "I'm watching you," Fayed warns, and hangs up. Buchanan tells Kiefer what Fayed wants him to do. "Do it," Kiefer says calmly, and walks over to the grate so that Buchanan can follow instructions. At least the grate is at Kiefer's eye level, so Kiefer can stand up straight. Making him squat on the pavement would just be mean. Buchanan shackles Kiefer to the grate, but then doesn't seem to know how to say goodbye. Kiefer turns and looks him in the eye, giving him a little speech about the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing. He says that the only thing keeping him alive in China was his wish to avoid the latter: "Today I can die for something. My way, my choice. To be honest with you, it'll be a relief." Buchanan says he's sorry, and clasps Kiefer on the shoulder before walking off. No love from Curtis, I'm afraid. Despite his brave words, Kiefer looks sad, but then makes a resolved face and waits. It's 6:32:52.
At 6:36:52, a white suburban couple watch a report about a mosque in Culver City that's just been firebombed. It's local news and not Fox, as you can tell by the station's call letters in the corner and the non-celebratory tone of the reporter. Here's the thing about this couple: I heard that both Jennifer Aniston and Ben Stiller asked to be on 24 this season, but were turned down by the producer because they were "too recognizable" and would "take viewers out of the reality." Which of course means they are "more famous than Kiefer." But I like to imagine this couple being played by Stiller and Aniston anyway, if only because the way their story plays out might result in a more satisfying alternate ending to Along Came Polly. Except we get H!ITGs Raphaeal Sbarge and Megan Gallagher instead, so we have to use our imaginations. The couple debates as to whether they should send their son to school today, with the dad on the "it's not safe" side and mom on the "let's keep living our lives" side. The discussion is interrupted by the arrival of said son, Scott, who like almost every other teenager on this show is allergic to haircuts. Apparently, he stopped off across the street for a little help in math from their neighbor Ahmed. You suppose that Ahmed's ethnicity might come into play...?
In fact, it does so immediately, as Scott announces that the FBI showed up to arrest Ahmed's dad. The whole family goes to the window in time to see Ahmed's dad frogmarched to an unmarked car by a group of unmarked agents, while Ahmed himself -- a tall "teen" who I think is about thirty -- loudly protests his dad's innocence. Also witnessing the scene from down the street are a couple of squinty-eyed redneck types. Ahmed notices their glaring in time for his indignation to be overruled by his sense of self-preservation, and he quickly retreats back into his house. The family watches as the two dudes storm up Ahmed's sidewalk and start banging angrily on his front door. "We just want to talk to you!" one yells. "Why don't you get the hell out of my neighborhood!" Okay! Good talk! But they're still not leaving. Mom identifies the speaker as Stan, a contractor from down the street, inviting a whole slew of angry letters to the show from the contractor-American community. Dad goes to call the police, but Scott heads for the front door, speechifying, "I'm not hiding here while Ahmed gets beat up because you're scared to do the right thing." This remark should really get Scott beat up as well, but instead Dad resolves to head over there himself. Once he's out the front door, his family is still free to call the police themselves. Which is why it's kind of funny when Mom takes the kid by the hand and leads the kid over to the front window so that they can just stand there and watch Dad get curbstomped instead.
Meanwhile, across the street, the angry neighbors kick in Ahmed's door and storm inside. Ahmed's in the hallway, frightened and holding a chair defensively in front of him. Stan starts in about wanting to talk and "friendly advice," in that angry-scared voice that people use whenever the talking is just about finished. But before things can get violent, Dad rushes inside and interposes himself in front of Ahmed. "This kid's father's a terrorist," he says, which Dad denies. As for why the FBI arrested him, he says it's "because they're scared, like everyone else." Of course, nobody's more scared than Stan, who tries to push Dad out of the way. But Dad's not moving, despite being about half Stan's size, and says, "If you want him, you're coming through me." Stan backs off at this, promising, "This isn't over," as he and his sidekick leave. Once Ray (formerly "Dad") and Ahmed are alone, Ray tells Ahmed that it's safer if he stays with them until the situation with Ahmed's dad is straightened out. Ahmed tries to decline, but Ray just stood down a burly contractor and isn't about to be denied by some math geek. Update: I was wrong about Ahmed's age. He's played by Kal Penn, a.k.a. Kumar from Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle, who won't turn thirty until April.
While on the way back to CTU with Curtis, Buchanan calls Nadia at CTU to make sure the military helicopters are ready to strike. She says that they can hit any location in Los Angeles within twenty minutes. How comforting. Sounds like Tom beat Karen handily in a debate about posse comitatus. Buchanan says that they can't afford any mistakes, since Kiefer's giving his life and all. He also tells her to patch his phone in if Fayed calls in before Buchanan gets back. Nadia agrees, and confesses that she spilled everything about this whole situation to Chloe. Buchanan's not mad; he just says he'll talk to Chloe when he gets back. Surprisingly, he does not then tell Curtis to drive slower.
At 6:41:22, Morris cheerily bops over to Chloe's desk and scootches her over so that he can use her computer to "try to get a visual on Jack." Chloe reminds him that Fayed is monitoring everything, but Morris just happens to know about a satellite that's off the grid. Why? Because he once helped an Uzbek energy company with an illegal aerial survey of L.A. in exchange for some cash. Once again, CTU's background checking procedures prove to be just really, really stellar. Morris pulls up a screen he can use to redirect the satellite in question, quietly rejoicing, "The little bird, she's still flying, she's still flying!" Chloe is more than a little uncertain about all this, but Morris just tells her to thank him later. Hey, Morris? It's going to be much, much later.
Kiefer's still standing at the fence where Buchanan cuffed him, near the mouth of a short tunnel. Fayed's red van drives into this tunnel from the far end and parks inside, out of view of any nosy, satellite-hijacking Brits. Fayed gets out of the car and watches as his two henchmen rush up and free Kiefer from his handcuffs. Handy that they had the key. Or maybe Fayed just wants to keep his bolt-cutters nice and sharp for what's coming later. The henchmen lead Kiefer over to face Fayed, who tells him, "I've been waiting for this for a long time." Kiefer just looks back at him without expression, until he's hustled back to the van, knocked unconscious with a punch to the side of the head, and dumped into the vehicle. Just then, Fayed's cell phone rings. It's his tech support guy back at headquarters, with the news that Fayed should stay where he is for now because the area he's in is being scanned by a privately owned satellite. Fayed's not convinced of the danger, until the henchman tells him that the satellite is transmitting its signal on a government frequency. "Connect me to CTU," Fayed orders angrily.
At CTU, Morris and his satellite have succeeded in zooming in on the grate Kiefer was chained to a moment ago, while across the floor, Nadia is co-ordinating the assault that's about to occur. "As much as we're trying to prevent civilian losses, our priority is to take out Assad," she tells her people. Again, comforting. Let's hope they kill fewer civilians than the terrorists did forty minutes ago. Fayed's call comes in, and Nadia's genuinely confused when she hears him brusquely order, "Redirect the satellite you have aimed at this sector." Nadia has no idea what he's talking about, until he reads off a frequency number to her (a number we didn't hear his tech-support guy provide him with, by the way). As Nadia's minions scramble to pull it up on their laptops, Fayed threatens that Kiefer's dead either way, but CTU doesn't get Assad unless the satellite is redirected in thirty seconds.
At 6:44:13, Nadia puts Fayed on hold while Milo confirms that a surveillance satellite is indeed sending a transmission to a terminal inside the building -- specifically, to Chloe's desk. Wow, that is one tight transmission beam. Nadia looks up to see Morris at Chloe's terminal and Chloe standing over him looking sneaky. She rushes over, ordering them to redirect the satellite. Morris plays it cool, but Nadia quickly explains that Fayed's onto them. She hits Chloe's speakerphone and tells Fayed, "This was a rogue operation. Redirecting the satellite now." Fayed starts counting down from ten as Morris types frantically. The satellite screen goes snowy with four seconds to go, and his henchman back at HQ informs Fayed that he's off-camera now. But Fayed's still pissed, so he playgrounds that now he's going to have to "think about" giving up Assad. Panicked, Nadia picks up the handset and asks him, "Where is your honor?" in Arabic. How very thoughtful of CTU to have finally hired someone who speaks another language (and Nina doesn't count). Chloe looks miserable. Fayed hangs up his cell phone and goes back to his car.
Buchanan picks this moment to storm back into CTU, his own cell phone in hand. "We may have spooked Fayed," Nadia confesses immediately, but Buchanan already heard the whole thing. "Dammit!" he roars at the O'Brians. "What were you thinking?" Chloe says it's her fault, and tells Buchanan to fire her. He says he'd fire them both right now, but can't afford to lose the manpower. Plus it's only the first hour. He gets right up in Chloe's face and says, "Don't think you're the only one mourning Jack. You're not...We may have sacrificed Jack for nothing." Morris isn't looking at anyone. Chloe stands there, red-faced and guilty. Even her hair is less flippy. It's 6:46:09.
At 6:52:12, Karen leaves the Oval Office again and calls Buchanan to see whether they've heard from Fayed. Buchanan breaks the news that Fayed caught Chloe and Morris's satellite transmission. I sure have missed the way Buchanan always waits until after the commercials to break bad news to his superiors. Karen goes ballistic. Standing to a bust of that notorious habeas-corpus-suspender Abraham Lincoln, she tells Buchanan, "If these attacks don't stop, there are people willing to tear up the Constitution in the name of national security." Oh, like that would happen. Buchanan says he'll call back as soon as he hears from Fayed. Karen apologizes for her tone, Buchanan says it's okay, and they hang up. Just like the newlyweds they are.
It's 6:53:23 when Fayed arrives back at his HQ with his henchmen and a beaten-up Kiefer, whose cleaning-up, alas, didn't endure all that long. Fayed's tech guy reports that CTU hasn't tried to track them again, and that the money's been wired to the proper account. Fayed isn't in the mood to call CTU yet, though, and instead leads his Kiefer-dragging henchmen into a back room. It's a lot like Kiefer's little clean-up area back at the airplane hangar, except the sharp objects are dirtier and much more numerous. Before being pushed into the room's interrogation chair, Kiefer tells Fayed to call CTU. Fayed punches and kicks Kiefer a few times instead. While Fayed strips off his jacket and unrolls a kit of instruments of a scarily ambiguous nature, Kiefer is forced into the seat. A chain is run between the cuffs on his hands and under the arms of the chair, and an EKG cuff is placed around his arm. His heart rate is at an impressively laconic 60 bpm. If I were in this situation, I'd have an extra zero or two after that. Fayed tells Kiefer, "The Chinese didn't leave me much to work with, but before you die, you're going to feel what my brother felt. I saw his body. I know how he died." Uh, Alzheimer's? Fayed bares Kiefer's left shoulder, and then sticks the point of a wicked-looking knife into the nerve bundle located there. Kiefer soldiers through the pain, sitting back in relief when Fayed takes the knife out. But then Fayed pours some clear liquid over the fresh wound, and Kiefer screams in a way Fayed finds much more satisfactory. After Kiefer's EKG finishes spiking and drops down to a more Zen-like hundred or so, Kiefer tells Fayed again Fayed to give Assad's location to CTU. Like Kiefer's in any position to be bossing anyone. In a "funny you should mention Assad" tone of voice, Fayed informs Kiefer that Assad's been talking about renouncing violence and negotiating. Preparing a long, sharp rod of some sort, Fayed walks around behind Kiefer and calls Assad a traitor to the cause. "And soon he will be dead. That's right, Jack. CTU is about to kill the wrong man. Assad isn't behind these attacks. He's come here to stop them. He's come here to stop...me." Oh, great. Nice intel, Karen. With that, Fayed jams the rod deep into Kiefer's back. Kiefer arches his back, his face almost orgasmic with agony. Either that, or the rod is acting as an antenna and Kiefer's suddenly getting some really good porn channels. Fayed pulls the rod out, drops it on the floor, and, on his way out of the room, informs Kiefer, "You will die for nothing." Wow, for such an amoral villain, he sure is eager to get on board with the episode's theme.
Everyone at CTU waits nervously for the call that finally comes. Fayed tells Buchanan that he's keeping his end of the deal, and reads off a set of coordinates. He's even had a transponder placed at that location, just as a little value-add. Behind him, Kiefer whispers the coordinates back to himself, so we know he's memorizing them.
At CTU, Milo enters the coordinates into the computer and comes back with an address in Inglewood. It's 6:57:22 as Buchanan barks orders -- mobilize the attack choppers, notify Wayne, and cut off Fayed's access to their systems.
Standing well apart from all this activity, Chloe is busy trying not to break down. Morris joins her and says that they did everything they could, gently telling her, "If it stops these attacks, it's for the greater good. There's no one [who] understands that more than Jack." Chloe collapses into Morris's arms...
...and into the end-of-episode splitscreen. In other windows, Ahmed hangs at his neighbors', Wayne hangs in the Oval Office with Karen, and helicopters hang in the air over their base.
Back at the house of Fayed, the man himself is still toying with Kiefer, and with a pair of pliers. "Do you remember doing this to my brother?" he asks Kiefer, positioning the pincers around Kiefer's left index finger. But then the tech guy comes in to say that Fayed has a call, so Fayed decides to put off the moment until he can enjoy it properly. He gives the one henchman in the room some instructions in Arabic, and then leaves to take the call at 6:58:46. The call is, wouldn't you know it, from Ahmed. D'oh! He's all stressed out about his father being nabbed by the FBI, and tells Fayed that his father's innocent. Fayed tells Ahmed, "If your father is meant to be sacrificed, then that is how it will be. Now tell me what the FBI said."
While the guard isn't looking, Kiefer somehow contrives to rip off the EKG cuff. Hearing the flatline tone, the guard goes to check on him. Last mistake he ever makes, because Kiefer rears back and SINKS HIS TEETH INTO THE GUY'S NECK. I don't know how he keeps him from screaming, unless he's somehow also using his own cheek to block the victim's mouth, but that's fucking gross, dude. I'm having Lost Boys flashbacks. After getting his fill of carotid or jugular or whatever, Kiefer spits out a gobbet of throat-flesh and gets the keys off the body before shrugging it to the floor. A moment later, he's free.
Down the hall, an unsuspecting Fayed is telling Ahmed that he did good, and asks, "Are you sure the FBI didn't find the package?" Ahmed is sure. Fayed tells him to "deliver it soon," and Ahmed promises to call Fayed back. When he hangs up, Scott is standing right there. Ahmed swallows his "busted" face and claims that he was just talking to his uncle. Scott invites Ahmed to join the fam for breakfast. And, hey, if a little Geometry tutoring session should spontaneously break out, that's cool too.
Fayed returns to his pet project, only to find no Kiefer and a dead guard. The room's back entrance appears to be unlocked, so Fayed sends his guards in that direction. Which, of course, means that Kiefer is hiding under the drain grate in the floor. He wipes the last of the blood off his chin with his sleeve and heads down the tunnel. Nice of him to wait around and risk being caught, just so we could see where he really is.