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The first act of Episode 23 is practically a season finale all by itself. With backup from Henderson and a short-lived agent, Kiefer boards the Russian submarine. He kills Bierko and then Henderson, after Henderson disarms the sub's missiles seconds before launch. It all goes down in about twenty minutes, and it's really quite exciting. And then Kiefer's going after Logan himself. To that end, Chloe calls in tech help in the form of her ex-husband Morris, a reject from a Guy Ritchie film who isn't nearly as charming as he thinks he is. At Not Camp David, Aaron and FLOTUS bring Novick into the loop. Logan is about to leave so he can be at the airport when David Palmer's body is flown out. But his wife, his Chief of Staff, and the former head of his Secret Service detail resolve to work together to stall him and give Kiefer time to arrive and do his thing. Luckily for Novick and Aaron, FLOTUS is the only one who actually has to have sex with her husband. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
We open with a nice, clear shot of a big sign at the "military shipyard" where the Russian submarine Natalia is docked. The sign says, "Authorized Personnel Only. Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted." Unless they get past the single guard at the gate, which, since that guard is currently lying dead on the ground nearby, Bierko's band of heavily armed henchmen must have managed to do. One of those henchmen is currently patrolling the dock topside. He's not wearing a gas mask, even though Bierko opened the hatch after the sub was full of gas. Don't tell me -- this deadly nerve toxin, which at the beginning of the season stayed extra-lethal for an extra-long time, and which could eat through airtight door seals in the middle of the season, became this shrinking flower of a chemical weapon that first couldn't tolerate the high pressure in a gas line, and is now neutralized by salt air? Am I getting warmer?
Down below, Bierko's other men are still wearing their masks as they work. In the control room, one of them reports to Bierko that he's finished flushing the Sentox gas out of the sub, and it's now safe to breathe. Whatever, like that's hard any more. The guy removes his mask. Bierko does the same and hands over a list of coordinates that he wants the sub's missiles to target. Then he speaks into his walkie-talkie: "Remove your masks. We are close to finishing what we started today." Well, actually, you started something entirely different, but never mind. It's the season finale, so it's a time for big speeches. And expositions. Bierko says they're hitting twelve major targets. "The Americans will wake up this morning to discover how steep a price they've paid for their alliance with Moscow. What we are about to accomplish today will be remembered by our countrymen forever." Or at least until their country gets melted by not one, but two pissed-off nuclear powers.
At CTU, Audrey is using her computer to dial her fancy-ass, product placed, Crisco Systems Internet Video Telephony whoozamawhatsis. Sorry for not being more specific. It's not like I'm buying one, so who cares? In any case, the Admiral from Point Mugu soon appears on her computer screen. Audrey reminds the Admiral that the Natalia is docked at the Port of Los Angeles (which is news to him even less than it is to us, since he authorized it). Audrey, her hair and makeup back under control, informs the Admiral that terrorists have taken over the sub. The Admiral's skeptical, since there haven't been any distress signals from the crew, but Audrey explains that that's because the crew was killed by Sentox nerve gas. Which, yeah, pretty much says "terrorist." She asks how long it'll take to scramble a flight of F-18s in order to sink the sub before the terrorists can use its weapons against civilian targets. At the Admiral's request, she promises to have a "team on the ground" confirm the situation, but right now she needs to know how fast the fighter jets can get there. The Admiral tells her it's going to be 22 to 25 minutes. Audrey says that's bad, because they have less twenty. The Admiral orders the jets in the air anyway, then turns back to Audrey on his viewscreen and remarks, "Looks like this is going to be up to your team on the ground."
As if to underscore how sad that statement really is, here's that team now. It's just Kiefer, Henderson, and an agent we've never seen before whose name is McCullough. So basically, the fate of the entire West Coast rests on two renegade ex-CTU agents and a guy who's going to get killed by the first round that's fired. This is why I live in the Midwest. Our guys are sneaking around among the giant crates and containers at the harbor, carefully staying out of sight of Bierko's single topside sentry. Over his earpiece, Kiefer whispers to CTU that he can see the sub, and it looks locked up tight. Imagine that. A submarine, locked up tight. That probably would have been a good idea earlier, don't you think? Absolutely everyone at CTU is in on this call, by the way, as if Kiefer's on speaker with the whole floor. Hayes reports that Chloe estimates they have less than twenty minutes, and Chloe adds that it might be even less than that. Audrey chimes in to say that the F-18s aren't going to make it in time, and Buchanan (who has found a spare tie somewhere and has it knotted neatly at his collar like it's eight o'clock the morning) adds that no CTU Tactical teams are in range on the ground either. Is that everyone? Anyone have anything else to add? New Girl Shari? Maybe Slime, on his way to the White House? No? Okay. Now that everyone's had a turn, Kiefer says it's up to the three of them at the port to take back the sub. Buchanan says that's not a practical option, and Audrey agrees. But Henderson -- who's also got an earpiece, apparently -- has noticed that a signal tube has been launched from the sub. Because someone has to, Chloe asks, "What's a signal tube?" As we get a clear look at the little white buoy floating to the sub, Kiefer explains to Chloe and the viewing audience that a signal tube is an emergency distress beacon. In this case, it probably means that a crewman survived the Sentox attack, and is now ripe for Kiefer to exploit as a means of entry into the sub. He tells Chloe to start scanning emergency frequencies. While he's waiting, Henderson reminds Kiefer of their deal: "We stop Bierko, my wife and I disappear for good, with your help, right?" Kiefer grunts his assent, without looking at him. Henderson adds that he's not going up against the bad guy without a gun. That gets Kiefer's attention. "I'll cover you," he says in a "no fucking way" voice. Henderson says that's what worries him. By now, Chloe has tracked down the frequency upon which the trapped crewman is broadcasting his distress signal. Kiefer tells her to patch him through to his earpiece.
At 5:06:45, Kiefer hears the voice of Petty Officer Tim Rooney, who is sealed away somewhere in the bowels of the ship. Rooney's just a kid in a uniform, reporting that the ship is under attack. Yeah, tell them about it. Short-circuiting any number of Naval, international, and Defense Department protocols, Kiefer responds to Rooney's distress signal, identifying himself by name and as an agent of CTU Los Angeles. Rooney asks what's going on, even though he can see for himself on closed-circuit TV that all of his crewmates are dead and there are bad guys up in the control room fucking with the missile launch system. Kiefer explains that these are the terrorists who have been so busy today, and that the Navy is sending in fighter planes. "But I don't think they're going to get here in time," Kiefer laments. Not seeming to realize that this last bit is actually good news for him, Rooney asks what to do . Kiefer asks if there were any other survivors among the crew, and a quick channel-surf tells Rooney he's the only one in a uniform who's still breathing. In answer to Kiefer's question, Rooney explains that he's in Auxiliary Engineering, a sealed compartment that he was able to shut down when things started redlining. And an area which doesn't get gas flushed through it, which is also lucky. Kiefer then asks if the bad guys are still wearing gas masks. Upon hearing that they're not, Kiefer concludes that the gas has been flushed out. "You should be able to move around freely." And by the same token, Kiefer should be twitching his last in a puddle of his own blood and lung-butter, but he obviously isn't. Before Rooney can take issue with Kiefer's plainly false statement, Kiefer tells him to hold on. He switches back over to Chloe, who tells him that the closest entry point on the sub to Rooney is the forward escape hatch. He switches back to Rooney, and ascertains that the only weapon the kid has access to is the knife blade on his utility tool. Kiefer tells Rooney that'll work, and that his task is to get to the forward escape hatch and let them in. "There's a man there guarding it," Rooney says after checking the security feed from that spot. "Then you're gonna have to kill him," Kiefer responds. Rooney balks. "I'm an engineer," he says. I'm not trained for that." Kiefer tells Rooney what the stakes are. After a miserable pause, Rooney reluctantly says, "I'll contact you when I get there." Kiefer copies.
He tells Henderson and McCullough that it's time to move closer to the sub. Henderson tells Kiefer, "I know you've got Malina's .45 in that bag. Give it to me." Kiefer makes a grumpy face, but fishes it out and hands it over. Henderson doesn't bother checking the clip, because he just did that less than a half hour ago, and what could have possibly happened to it since then?
It's 5:09:05 in the Not Camp David Situation Room, where Logan and Novick are bunkered down to deal with the, uh, situation. Looks like evacuation isn't an option, even if they knew what Bierko plans to hit, which they don't. Logan demands to know how the submarine could have been accessed in the first place, which is an excellent question. Novick explains that the Natalia is being serviced at a civilian port rather than a Naval base. Excellent plan on a day like today. Obviously if you have a heavily armed engine of war in town on the day of multiple terror attacks, you want security around it to be as lax as possible. As excuses go, it's right up there with the "mountain terrain" of Iowa. But what's done is done, and now Novick has to explain that the F-18s aren't going to arrive in time to sink the sub. Novick illustrates all of this with an impressive arsenal of local-TV-weatherman gestures at the display screens scattered around the room. Also scattered around the room? Other people! Some of them are even in uniform! Logan really has changed if a national security crisis doesn't mean a one-on-one session with his Chief of Staff any more.
FLOTUS is peeking into the room from the hallway, unseen. She calls Aaron on her cell phone to let him know that Novick is still in with her husband, and they're in crisis mode. Aaron figures it's time for him to get out of Dodge, but FLOTUS says it's still too risky for him to leave. Because, you know, it isn't obvious that her husband is scalp-deep in other things to worry about right now. She asks Aaron for a little more time, and he agrees.
At CTU, Chloe has somehow managed to remotely patch her screen into the sub's weapons systems, which are showing that there are only nine minutes and forty seconds to missile launch. Unfortunately, she can't do anything about it, because she apparently has read-only access or something. She updates Kiefer over his earpiece, and he asks Henderson how long it's going to take him to shut down the launch sequence. Henderson confesses that he won't know until he gets there. Chloe says that Rooney is calling back, and patches him through to Kiefer. "I'm thirty feet forward of the hatch," Rooney tells Kiefer, and adds that the guard is still there. Probably not a good idea to be talking in a normal voice right now, then, even though he's hiding around a corner and the guard has his back to him. I know there's probably a lot of white noise on a sub, but not so much when it's docked, okay? Rooney has switched out his walkie-talkie in favor of an earpiece/miniature microphone combo that he might have gotten off a Secret Service agent, and asks Kiefer what's . Kiefer says Rooney needs to kill the guy without alerting anyone else. "Are you right-handed or left-handed?" Without asking the relevance, because he probably doesn't want to know, Rooney simply says he's right-handed. So Kiefer says, "I want you to approach him from behind. When you're within eighteen inches, I want you to take your left hand, put in on his mouth, and pull his head back into your chest, exposing his neck. I want you to take your right hand and slit his throat." Rooney is bug-eyed at what he's hearing, although he doesn't seem to have considered the possibility that he's being Punk'd. Kiefer continues, "You need to cut deep to sever the vocal cords and the carotid artery." There you go, kid. Now you're trained. Rooney says he's not up for this, but Kiefer says that's too damn bad. The closed-captioning says, "I need you to visualize the hostile down on the ground, dead," although Kiefer pronounces it, "You need to focus on the objective. You cannot afford to think about this, son. You need to do it." Chloe cuts in to say that they have less than nine minutes, and it's not clear whether Rooney can hear her. But after Kiefer repeats Rooney's name a couple of times, and warns him that they're running out of time, Rooney casts his eyes down to where one of his crewmates is lying dead, his head hanging out in the gangway. And that gives him the resolve he needs. "Cut him deep, cut him fast," Kiefer instructs. At 5:11:55, Kiefer and his two sidekicks start moving towards the sub.
Inside, Rooney is also making his move. Rushing silently toward the sentry, who fortunately has his attention focused on the hatch above him, he succeeds in getting his hand over the terrorist's mouth. But then he fucks it up, because the bad guy is able to get his hand up in time to grab Rooney's knife hand. Part of the problem is that given the height difference, Rooney isn't so much pulling his victim's head into his chest, but more on top of his own head. It's really not at all the smooth, efficient act Kiefer described, but an ugly and brutal one as Rooney is reduced to simply stabbing the dude in the throat repeatedly. And he barely accomplishes that. He does manage to prevent the guy from hollering an alarm, at least. They both go down, and Rooney tries to wiggle out from under the large body on top of his. Other people might drop in an Academy joke right here, but not me.
Up top, Kiefer and his guys are as close as they're going to get to the sub without breaking cover for good. "Officer Rooney, what's your status?" Kiefer asks. Rooney responds, "My status is, uh...he's dead." Hee. It's okay, he's new at this. Rooney assures Kiefer that nobody's coming, and Kiefer tells him to open the hatch. Rooney gets up and climbs the ladder to do so, but not before taking the dead guard's machine gun and slinging the strap over his shoulder. How quickly they learn.
Kiefer tells Henderson it's time to go. They break cover, and Kiefer takes out the topside guard with a couple of clean shots. The guy slides down the side of the hull and into the harbor, which nobody inside the sub appears to hear. Because if there's anything I've learned from submarine movies, it's that submarines are acoustic sinkholes. Kiefer, Henderson, and McCullough dash up the gangplank to the sub, weapons drawn. They're about to climb down the hatch that Rooney has just opened for them, when there's a whir of motors and a couple of large panels open up on the sub's hull further aft. I'm expecting automated machine guns to open up on them like this is Half-Life or something, but Chloe tells them that it's just the missile hatches opening. Not that that's good news, either. Chloe says this means they have less than seven minutes to launch (although the closed-captioning says less than four, and Chloe's mouth isn't visible in the shot).
Down in the sub, Kiefer makes sure Rooney's all right, then gets him to lead the way to the control room. It's 5:13:54. Before entering the control room, Kiefer tells Rooney to somehow get to the other side of the control room without being seen, then create a loud, noisy diversion to draw the bad guys out, after which he is to lay low. "I do not want you to engage them, do you understand me?" says Kiefer, who just schooled the kid on how to kill someone with a knife the size of my pinky. Rooney, who is now the most heavily armed good guy in miles, acknowledges his instructions, and heads below and aft. Henderson and Kiefer follow more slowly, on the upper level.
Up in the control room, Bierko is micromanaging: "With the last three missiles, make sure you overlap these population centers in San Francisco." Man, San Francisco is always getting the shit end on this show. The henchman starts tapping the weapons system keyboard.
Down below, Rooney has located a wheeled cart loaded with tools, which is just the kind of thing you want rolling around on a submarine during a crash dive or an emergency main ballast tank blow. He tips the cart over, with aurally impressive results.
Up in the control room, Bierko hears the crash. "Keep working," he tells his henchman, and pulls his handgun out of his Bond-villain jacket to go investigate. He almost immediately meets his other two henchmen down in the missile room, which seems rather geographically suspect to me, and tells them to come with him.
Above decks, Kiefer has led his guys into position very close to the control room. He holds a small hand-mirror around the corner of the gangway, and ascertains that there's still one bad guy in the control room. Kiefer tells McCullough that he's going to get into position. "When he's directly above me, signal me with the mirror." McCullough takes the mirror and the position from Kiefer, who belly-crawls down the corridor, unseen by the bad guy, until he's backed up against a console. He pulls out his switchblade and waits. Not three feet away, the bad guy hits a key on the keyboard, and little wire-frame illustrations of twelve missiles light up on the screen. Chloe reports in his earpiece that the missiles are armed and will launch in three minutes. Kiefer had better hope that the bad guy moves over him before them. Fortunately he does, and on McCullough's signal he stands up and jabs his knife into the bad guy's throat. "We're all clear," Kiefer growls into the mouthful of dark blood that the henchman is spewing forth onto his hands. Jesus, Fox, do you realize how early it is? Rupert Murdoch is going to have to have his "news" channel do some extra sucking up to keep the FCC off his ass this week. This is the most throat-stabbing-intensive hour of broadcast TV I've ever seen before eight o'clock Central. Weapons still drawn, Henderson and McCullough join Kiefer in the control room as he covers the aft entryway. Upon reaching the computer screen, Henderson reports that he's going to have to "reverse all these codes manually." I don't know what that means, but it sounds time-intensive. Kiefer asks if there's enough time, and Henderson, who's already at work, responds, "I don't want to be here any more than you if the F-18s take out this sub." Kiefer says he and McCullough will make sure Henderson is left alone to do his work, and he leads his doomed sidekick out to chase after the terrorists. I'm thinking that left alone in the control room, with access to the steering, Henderson could make quite the dramatic escape attempt right now if he had a mind to. And if the show had the budget to shoot a submarine chase. Maybe year.
It's 5:17:27 as the two parties stalk each other silently below, each listening for the other to give themselves away. Kiefer and McCullough find an apparently empty room, but it's only empty long enough for Kiefer to get out of the way before a bad guy appears out of nowhere and starts shooting. McCullough goes down. I'm surprised he lasted this long, frankly. Fifteen minutes as a non-speaking sidekick on this show is almost good enough to earn a gold watch. Kiefer quickly takes out the shooter, and now he's just got Bierko and one other guy left. Henderson says he needs more time, and tells Kiefer to hold them off. Chloe says they have sixty seconds left, so that's one more time crunch Henderson has to deal with.
Further down in the sub, there is much tense, quiet stalking. Everyone's in the same room, but they're all hiding behind all of these giant pipes, trying to see each other without being seen. Kiefer spots Bierko's shoulder, but before he can react, the surviving henchman appears out of nowhere and kicks Kiefer's gun out of his hand. Kiefer tries to disarm his attacker right back, and Bierko steps out of cover to take aim at Kiefer. But he also takes his time, and Kiefer's able to point the henchman's gun in Bierko's general direction. It goes off, clipping Bierko in the gun arm and sending his weapon flying. Kiefer continues grappling with his opponent, and the wild shot from the bad guy's gun breaches a steam pipe. Kiefer takes advantage of this opportunity to poach the man's head. Upstairs, Henderson is trying to ignore all the chaos and screaming coming from below. "Almost there, Jack," he says as the coded display windows start to go blank. Kiefer is satisfied that he's let off enough steam, but it's too late to avoid a wrench swung at his head by Bierko. Kiefer manages not only remain conscious, but to also block the third blow and kick Bierko away. As Bierko starts to rush back -- and Henderson says he just needs a few more seconds as Chloe gives him ten -- Kiefer jumps up and grabs some pipes near the ceiling, and hangs onto them, kicking his legs up to wrap them around Bierko's neck. I'm surprised they go all the way around. The red missile icons on the screen go blank; Henderson's done it. And Kiefer somehow jerks his knees in such a way that Bierko's neck snaps. Or Bierko just snaps it for Kiefer, as a gesture of goodwill, which seems about as likely. He's dead before he hits the deck.
Up top, the missile hatches close. At CTU, Henderson's voice rings out over the floor to say the launch sequence is cancelled. And how weird is it to hear him reporting to home base over the comm system? Relieved, Hayes tells Audrey to recall the F-18's, like Audrey wouldn't be shooting them down herself right now.
Kiefer makes his way back to the sub's control room, saying into his own earpiece, "Bierko's dead. The sub is secure." Buchanan asks if he's okay, and he says he's fine. Even though he's just reached the control room, and it's empty. "I'm getting a lot of feedback," he lies. "Take me off of comm." Chloe acknowledges, and Kiefer heads for the nearest hatch, gun leveled. Looks like he's going dark in more ways than one. It's 5:20:06 as he climbs the ladder to exit the ship. Up top, he redraws his weapon and starts making his way along the hull to the gangplank. But Henderson pops out behind him, holding Malina's weapon on him and telling him to slowly lower his arms and turn around. Don't ask me why he doesn't tell Kiefer to put down his gun, or better yet throw it in the harbor, but he doesn't. Kiefer complies, looking even more pissed than usual with the blood dripping from his scalp. "You were never really gonna let me go, were you?" Henderson accuses. "No," Kiefer readily admits. And Henderson pulls the trigger.
Of course, there's nothing but a dry click. Henderson ejects the gun's empty clip, and realizes that Kiefer's finally beaten him. His defeated expression is quickly replaced by the grin of the graceful loser, if not a proud papa. "Good for you, Jack," he winks. Kiefer starts walking towards him along the length of the sub's hull. He's got some things to say: "You were responsible for the deaths of David Palmer, Tony Almeida, and Michelle Dessler. They were friends of mine." And it's not like I have a lot of those, he doesn't add. Kiefer and Henderson face each other across the distance between them. It's like a Western, but one where the hero is a sneaky fuck who's secretly disarmed the villain. "That's the way it works," Henderson says, and Kiefer blows him away. Henderson falls flat on his back, failing to topple into the water. And an uncharacteristically smooth (for this show) crane shot rises above Kiefer as he stands over the body of his mentor and enemy. Behind him, Rooney has just popped out of the hatch and is looking at Kiefer in gape-mouthed horror. Kiefer just looks back at him like, you want some? It's 5:21:57, and at this rate, this two-hour finale is going to kill me, too. That whole sequence was so tense, exciting, and well-done that I would have been satisfied to stop watching right there. I'd gotten what I needed. In fact, if you want to stop reading right now, I wouldn't blame you.
We're not back from commercial until 5:27:44 show time. Kiefer's fifty-foot walk down the gangplank from the sub back to the dock must have been quite a leisurely stroll, because he's not stepping back on dry land until just now. At the same time, a whole convoy of official-looking SUVs screams onto the grounds, sirens and flashers blazing. Quite an impressive show of force, boys, but where were you before the sub got hijacked? Kiefer raises his arms high and waits for them to pull in. He identifies himself to the officer in charge and adds, "All the hostiles are dead." "Holster your weapons!" the naval officer says, taking Kiefer's word for it. Hard to believe a submarine got jacked right out from under this crack squad, isn't it? Without even asking to see Kiefer's ID or the contents of his man-purse, the officer tells Kiefer to contact Buchanan at CTU ASAP. Kiefer asks for a vehicle, and the officer bellows an order at an underling to produce one. For some reason, Kiefer doesn't also ask for a harrier jump jet. Kiefer steps aside to call CTU on his cell phone, and they discuss how the Navy has just arrived. Kiefer adds that Henderson is dead. "He fired on me," Kiefer says, way too smoothly. "I didn't have a choice." Obviously no one at CTU -- Hayes, Buchanan, Chloe, or Audrey -- believes this for a second, but none of them seem to be in the mood to call him on it, even over the phone. Kiefer promises Buchanan that he's on his way back to CTU, and tells Chloe to pick up a handset so he can get access codes to CTU logs to help out the Navy. Chloe complies and asks what codes they need. Without even waiting for her to finish, let alone making sure he's not on speaker any more, Kiefer snaps, "They don't. Get somewhere where you won't be overheard." Chloe plays along and crosses the floor to her desk, then picks up that extension and asks what's going on. What's going on is this: "I'm not coming back to CTU. I'm going after Logan." What he needs from Chloe is help "modifying some field communications equipment." Chloe says that's not exactly her wheelhouse, so Kiefer tells her to get some help. Just make sure they can't overhear, right, Kiefer? Just wait until you see how ironic that aside of mine ends up being. As his Navy-provided car pulls up, he asks Chloe, "Are you with me on this?" I love how he frames it as a yes-or-no question, because he knows she can't say no to him. Kiefer and the man-purse drive off as he prepares to give her a list.
At 5:29:44, Logan and Novick are finishing up for the night. They've got the Situation Room to themselves again, of course. "Vladimir Bierko and all his known associates are dead or in custody," Novick reports, closing the folder on the table in front of him with a symbolic flourish. Logan happily giggles at his Chief of Staff, who smiles back. And then they get somber again, realizing that it hasn't exactly been a bloodless victory. But after a moment, Logan gets right back to work. By ordering the curfew lifted? No; by asking Novick for a speech that he can deliver over David Palmer's body at the airfield before it's flown back to Washington. Novick says he'll get to work on it right away, and gets up to leave. "Thank you, Mike," Logan says. "For everything." For some reason, that seems to remind Novick that he's been totally suspicious of his boss for the past several hours.
Of course, Novick hasn't gotten very far down the corridor before he's waylaid by the First Lady, who has, of course, been lying in wait for him this whole time. She urgently asks him to come with her. Worry on his face, Novick asks, "Have you been...?" Well, not since she drained a bottle of red wine solo about two hours ago. Which is long enough ago for her to say with a straight face, "I've never been more sober. Or more sane." Really? No wonder her brain chemistry is out of whack, considering the speed of her metabolism. She's able to prevail upon him to follow her. But before he leaves, shouldn't he at least assign someone to get cracking on that speech that the President's going to give in an hour and a half?
For right now, though, the only person Logan is addressing is Graham. The shadowy fellow is thrilled to hear that Henderson was killed during the retaking of the submarine, but he's still worried about Kiefer. "Don't worry," Logan says. "Mr. Bauer will be taken care of." Graham actually cracks a smile at this, and Logan hangs up. And that'll do it for Graham this season. You just know that when they offered that part to Paul McCrane, they described the character as "a shadowy, mysterious figure with seemingly unlimited power, who doesn't even answer to the President himself," rather than as "a cheap device for exposition who never actually does anything."
Now it's 5:32:35, and that little scene was all the time that FLOTUS and Novick needed to reach the stables. The Secret Service car is still parked there, but Novick is more interested in the bloody, red-haired, Texas-accented Secret Service agent who appears before him. "Agent Adams tried to kill me on the President's orders," Aaron says by way of explaining why he's not exactly prepared for inspection. Novick is confused and skeptical, and asks, "Where's Agent Adams?" Aaron obligingly pops the trunk on the Secret Service car, and shows Novick the plastic-wrapped body inside. Novick reacts like he's never seen a dead Secret Service agent in the trunk of a Secret Service car on the grounds of the Presidential retreat at 5:30 in the morning or something. He slams the trunk in horror. "We need your help," FLOTUS says, and Novick looks pretty doubtful as he turns angrily to Agent Adams's killers. FLOTUS spills everything she knows about Logan's actions, and says she was going to keep quiet, "For the good of the country...I can't do that. Not any more." No shit, lady, it's been hours. I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did. Novick asks for proof, and Aaron tells him about the recording of Logan and Henderson. "That's why Logan was willing to go so far as to shoot a plane full of people down: because Jack was on it." I don't know how he knows all this; he's been tied up in the trophy room since before Kiefer even got on that plane. Aaron then has to admit that the recording has been destroyed, which he knows because Logan told him himself. Novick, frustrated, rubs his head as Aaron swears it's the truth. How are they going to get Novick on board with this, considering that it was his idea to cover up the reason for Walt Cummings death that very afternoon? If he was worried that a disgraced Chief of Staff would weaken the American public's faith in its government, there's no way he's going to sign on for taking down the President himself, right? Wrong. Because the season's over in under ninety minutes, Novick abruptly comes around, and says that they'll have to figure out another way to make their case. FLOTUS says they have to get Aaron off the grounds first. After a pause, Novick agrees to chauffeur Aaron out of Not Camp David, hidden in the back of the car. He gets behind the wheel, leaving FLOTUS and Aaron standing outside the car. "I'll be fine," Aaron promises FLOTUS. "I'll go somewhere where your husband's people can't find me." Church? FLOTUS asks if she'll hear from him, and he says it's "safer" if she doesn't. And then he moves in close. "Thank you," he whispers, then gets in the car. No kiss, again. Novick drives off, and Aaron watches through the rear windshield as FLOTUS recedes forlornly behind him, like a dog on the first day of school. It's 5:35:46.
And we're back at 5:41:34. Aaron and Novick are disposing of Adams's body in the woods outside Not Camp David, and how nice to see that Novick has joined the Wayne Palmer philosophy of being the White House Chief of Staff. Novick's cell phone rings, and it's Kiefer, who says he's been looking for Aaron but hasn't been able to raise him on his cell phone. That's because the phone is in the Not Camp David mailroom, waiting to be FedExed to Washington. But in any case, Aaron tells Novick to put Kiefer on speakerphone, and tells Kiefer that Novick's in the club now. Aaron explains about his presumed-dead status, and Novick chimes in, "I'm still trying to process everything they told me. This is a real mess, Jack." Kiefer says he needs both baldies' help in bringing Logan to justice. Undaunted by the destruction of the recording, he says he's going to try to get a direct confession from the Prez, with the help of someone at CTU who's setting up a digital uplink. "If I can get Logan to acknowledge everything he's done today," Kiefer says, "it's going to be all the evidence we need." Novick starts to protest the idea of "physically coercing the President of the United States," but Kiefer cuts him off to say they have to do it now. After all of Logan's crimes, "He can't be allowed to remain in office. Not for one more day." Novick asks how long it'll be before Kiefer arrives at Not Camp David, and Kiefer says it'll be twenty minutes. Novick says it'll be too late, since Logan will be leaving for Washington by then. Kiefer insists that Novick try to stall Logan. Well, not having finished that speech he's supposed to be working on might help. Novick agrees, telling Kiefer to get there quickly. Who does he think he's talking to, anyway?
Up in Hayes and Buchanan's office, which they appear to be sharing now, Hayes has just gotten orders to report to Washington. So in addition to worrying about a president who has provided chemical weapons to terrorists, condoned the murder of innocent civilians, and was prepared to shoot down a civilian airliner to cover his own ass, now we also have to worry that the CTU bosses might get fired? Jeez, show, you really know how to pile it on. Chloe comes in, asking for workstation clearance for "some new personnel." Buchanan looks at the electronic clipboard Chloe's carrying, and then back at Chloe. "Morris?" he says incredulously. "You're bringing Morris back?" Chloe insists that this Morris person is the only one who can help her salvage the recording. Buchanan doesn't think Morris is even on the government payroll any more, and asks what Morris is doing now. "He's selling women's shoes in Beverly Hills." "Is this a joke?" Hayes asks in all seriousness. Chloe insists that Morris is the only one who can help her. Buchanan looks all kinds of doubtful, but he signs Chloe's clipboard. She snatches it back and darts out of there before he can change his mind. Hayes asks Buchanan who the hell they're talking about. "Morris O'Brian," Buchanan says. "Chloe's ex-husband." Aggle-aggle-aggle-aggle-GUH!?
And he sure got here fast. Down on the floor, a bald, bearded fireplug with a British accent is leaning over some brunette chick's keyboard, teaching her some technobabble or other, and getting a smile from her for his trouble. When he looks up, Chloe is standing on the other side of the desk. "Morris!" she snaps. "What are you doing?" Morris scampers over to her, babbling that he's making her people more efficient. As he scampers to Chloe's side, she remarks that he "picked the most attractive one." "Wrong," Morris insists. "You're the most attractive one." And in less than twenty seconds, we know all we need to know about Morris. I think that's a record, even for this show. Chloe hands him his clearance pass and tells him not to screw up this opportunity. He follows her to a workstation and asks for the recording he's supposed to restore. Chloe says dismissively, "Nothing, forget it, it's fried." She tells her confused ex that he needs some comm unit modification, and spews some specifications at him. "Can you do that without talking?" "I could," Morris says, his face creased with concern, "but it would be a terrible waste of my charm." Okay, anyone who can imagine a more terrible waste of charm than being married to Chloe, raise your hand. Thought so. She parks him in his chair, and tells him to call her when he's done. Before getting to work, Morris spares a nervous glance up at Buchanan's office. The boss is looking down at him suspiciously through the glass wall. Morris resists the temptation to wave up at him like a dork.
Those Fox News broadcasters still can't quit smirking over Palmer's death, can they? The report in question is being watched by the First Lady, who's still sitting up awake in the FLOTUSuite. She's woken from a doze by a knock at the door, and she sleepily/hopefully murmurs Aaron's name. Which would have been awkward if it had been Logan, after all the trouble they went to in order to hide Aaron's continued existence. But Novick enters instead at 5:46:27, and FLOTUS mutes the TV so Novick can tell her that Aaron is "safe." If by "safe" one means "abandoned without a ride in the wilderness just a few miles from the President of the United States who wants him dead." FLOTUS starts to go off on Logan's gall in planning to eulogize Palmer after being responsible for his death, but Novick urgently cuts in to say that Kiefer's on his way to "confront" Logan. "Will he hurt him?" FLOTUS asks, in a tone that suggests that it wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker. Novick nods, "Jack Bauer will do whatever it takes to compel your husband to confess the truth. He's the only one I know who can do this." FLOTUS's only objection is that the fifteen remaining minutes before Kiefer arrives will make him too late to catch Logan before he leaves for the airfield. Novick already knows this, and says he already tried to delay Logan. Now it's up to FLOTUS. She balks, but Novick says she's their only hope. "You have to find a way to stall him." It's 5:47:45, and we're left to wonder how a wife could possibly stall her husband. Hmmm.
Commercials. Looks like Victor Garber's landing on his feet. As for his costar Kerr Smith, someone really should have told him that his haircut makes him look like Natalie Portman.
It's 5:53:34, and one of the splitscreens shows a Navy helicopter (not Marine One) parked in one of Not Camp David's corrals. Kiefer drives his Navy staff car up the road to the retreat, and stops when he sees Aaron waiting by the side of the road. Way to lay low, there, dude. If you really want to keep a low profile, perhaps you should also set fire to your tie. Kiefer gets out of the car and the two men greet each other by their first names. Aaron tells Kiefer that FLOTUS is helping them stall the President. Kiefer asks if he's sure she can be trusted, and Aaron insists, "She is with us, Jack. A hundred percent." Kiefer changes the subject to Secret Service deployment grids, namely whether Aaron can still access them. Aaron says he can and has, and that there's too much security around the building for even Kiefer to get through to Logan. Kiefer asks about Logan's transport to the airfield, and Aaron answers that the tight scheduling has forced Logan to use a "reduced detachment" and travel by Navy helicopter. Kiefer tells a doubtful Aaron to get him as close to the helicopter as he can, and they'll go from there. "All right," Aaron breezes. "Let's go." They head back into the retreat on foot, because the tense hour FLOTUS just spent trying to get Aaron off the grounds alive wasn't all that big a deal anyway.
At 5:54:43, Logan's valet is zipping up the Presidential garment bag as The Man Himself -- in a fresh shirt and tie -- is complaining to the long-absent Exposition Call Center in Bangalore: "Yes, I agree, Wayne Palmer should be at the airfield, but if we can't find him, I'm not going to wait for him." That's fine; Wayne's probably still rifling his way through Buchanan's prodigious stash of cufflinks, neckties, and Japanese pornography. In any case, we won't be seeing him again this season. Logan notices that his wife is hovering in the doorway, and he gestures for the valet to leave the room as he instructs the Call Center to have a copy of his speech on the helicopter for him to go over on the way. Would that be the speech that Novick dashed off in between conspiring to overthrow the President? Should be a good one. Logan hangs up and tells his wife, "I'll be out of your way in a second." FLOTUS brings up Logan's plan to meet Palmer's casket at the airfield, and he starts getting defensive. But she says she's there to apologize. She lays it on thick, begging for forgiveness. Logan's thrown by her contrition, and guarded: "By tomorrow, I could be the man you hate again." FLOTUS says that even though she doesn't always understand him, but she needs him and loves him, and that won't change. "Not tomorrow, not ever." His voice cracking with emotion, Logan returns the sentiment.
Logan sits down to her on the bed, too skittish to touch her yet. "Fly with me to Washington," he whispers, brushing away a tear on her cheek. FLOTUS says she'd much rather stick around Not Camp David for a while. Logan protests that he has to go five minutes ago. So she grabs him by the tie and pulls him in for a kiss. It's quite a performance, if only for the fact that she's able to refrain from throwing up in his mouth. And then she releases him and sits back, smiling, telling him to go. But her smug/seductive expression says, You and I both know you're not going anywhere now. Logan picks up on it, and invites her along to the airfield. She says she has a better idea, and starts unbuttoning his shirt. "There's a helicopter waiting for me," Logan "protests," giddily. FLOTUS tells him to let it wait. Logan says he can't. "Yes, you can," FLOTUS reminds him. "You're the President." Well, for another hour or so. But Logan doesn't know that, so he smiles, kisses her again, and goes to the phone. I refuse to check for "tenting." "Tell the helicopter to stand by," he tells the phone. "Until I'm ready," he adds, a bit snappishly. "And make sure I'm not disturbed." As he speaks, he's standing behind FLOTUS, rubbing her shoulders, so he can't see the progression of emotions across her face: first grim satisfaction at having achieved her mission, then grim dread about what she's going to have to do to follow through.
Splitscreen: Logan removes his suit jacket. Stop right there! Cut! Cut! I'm just going to focus on other windows, where the O'Brians are working at CTU, as is Audrey, and Henderson's body is wheeled away on a gurney. Whatever Logan's doing, the potted plant I just moved to the TV is blocking it.
Okay, splitscreen's over. We're all clear. Aaron leads Kiefer to a Secret Service outbuilding at Not Camp David, and lets them in by punching in an entry code. Both men enter with weapons drawn, making sure the duty desk and locker area are both clear. Kiefer opens the window blinds for a look at the Navy helicopter parked outside. His cell phone rings, and it's Novick telling him that FLOTUS is doing her thing (or Logan's thing, as the case may be) and knows they need as much time as possible. He asks Kiefer how far he's willing to go to get his confession. "As far as I have to," Kiefer autopilots, and hangs up. It's 6:00:00, which is weird because my clock only says 7:53. Things really are speeding up here at the end, aren't they?