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Now that the search for the nerve gas has hit a dead end, President Logan reams out McGill so widely that the poor Hobbit ends up involuntarily shitting on everyone he encounters. First, McGill orders Kiefer taken into custody for defying the order to release the gas at the mall. But Kiefer escapes after he gets a call from The Man, offering to secretly help Kiefer find the canisters. And because Audrey was the one who transferred The Man's call, McGill starts leaning on her, almost literally. Which forces her to drag Chloe and Buchanan into her little conspiracy to help Kiefer under the radar, which in turn sends McGill closer to the edge and Buchanan to a holding cell.
Meanwhile, Erwich gets fired/killed by his boss, who hasn't given up on striking at Russia; he's just going to do it in the U.S. Specifically, he plans to ambush the Russian President's motorcade to the airport, using intel that he requests from President Logan. When given a choice between sacrificing the co-signatory on his fresh new treaty and potentially thousands of American lives, Logan goes with the former. The First Lady disagrees with her husband's decision, but what can she do about it? Not much, really. Except to hop into the Russians' limo just as it leaves Not Camp David. As if Logan needs people making his decisions even harder for him. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Wow, here's Erwich and his guys, who, just in the time it takes to run the previouslies, have covered the distance between their temporary garage hideout and what looks like a much more permanent hideout. We're only seeing it from the inside, but it looks like some kind of bunker with concrete walls. Erwich and his men make their way down a wide corridor to an even wider room, where a guy in a suit is standing with his back to them, watching Fox News: The Terrorist News Network. Obviously word of the gas attack at the mall hasn't reached the media yet, because Fox News is still going on about the treaty signing that occurred that morning. Wait, did I just equate "the media" and "Fox News"? Sorry, won't happen again. Erwich addresses the suited man (who, now that we can see him from the front, turns out to be British actor Julian Sands), making the critical mistake of opening with the good news. "The Sentox gas is genuine," he tells Julian Sands's back. "The test was successful." Sands disagrees: "I spent a year securing a weapon that would bring Moscow to its knees and you waste it killing a handful of American civilians." Erwich tells Sands -- whom he addresses as "Bierko" -- that someone had to pay for the betrayal. Bierko agrees and fires Erwich, with severance. And when I say "fires," I mean "sinks a switchblade into Erwich's gut," and when I say "with severance," I mean "he severs Erwich's intestines." And you thought Trump was harsh. While Erwich is flailing helplessly on the point of Bierko's blade, Bierko explains that the failure of their plans is all Erwich's fault for trusting the Americans. Which, we know all this already, but while we always have to play catch-up for the first few minutes of every episode anyway, I have yet to see a cooler way to do it. So Bierko can stay. But he's not done expositing; to those left standing, he boasts, "Since I anticipated this, I have secured additional men and resources at great personal expense." Boy, has he got my number. He announces that Nathanson -- formerly known as The Man -- will be gotten rid of, "And then we can return to our original task: striking at the heart of Russia." From Los Angeles. Where Bierko has based himself...why? I guess he's failed to anticipate the fact that because he's here in town, it simply means that some time in the sixteen hours, Kiefer is going to find him and beat him into an urbane paste.
At Nathanson's video sanctum, Nathanson has already made himself scarce. All that's left behind are a shitload of monitors and one unlucky underling who's got a gun muzzle pinning his head to his desk. And the guy holding the gun, of course. The underling insists to the gunman that he doesn't know Nathanson's whereabouts, and gets shot dead. Wow, Nathanson's a shitty boss, leaving his guy behind to get killed by the terrorists he screwed over. At least Bierko does his own killing. Speaking of Bierko, that gentleman gets a call from the blond gunman, who reports that Nathanson has already scrammed. "Find him!" Bierko hisses at the phone.
I'm a little surprised to see that Nathanson is just now leaving the building, considering that he "went dark" two hours ago. In 24 travel time, he could have been in San Francisco by now, but I guess having a small army of pissed-off terrorists after you is no reason to skip a few hands of solitaire before calling it a day. Now that he's finally on the road, he gets on his cell phone headset and calls another individual who answers, "Alpha Seven." Nathanson tells Mr. Seven, "I think Bierko's hitting us back. Destroy all your databases." But before Alpha can even respond, let alone destroy anything, he takes a bullet in the chest from somebody who's just entered the room. Nathanson quickly disconnects the call, because the shooter might pick up A7's phone and that's so not a conversation he wants to have. Awkward.
Out at the motorcycle garage, Curtis's cell phone rings. It's Buchanan, telling him to bring Kiefer in. And then we pan over to Kiefer, who's obliviously giving orders regarding the disposition of Henchman #1. That goes on long enough that by the time he's done, Curtis is off the phone and telling Kiefer that McGill "is on some kind of warpath" and looking for someone to blame for the loss of their only lead. Kiefer spits back that he didn't think releasing the gas in the mall was "an acceptable loss," and reminds Curtis that he was appointed by the President of the United States. Whose direct orders he just disobeyed not a half hour ago, but he'll invoke Presidential authority when it's convenient for him. Curtis agrees that Kiefer made the right call (I'd drink, but I'm out), and Kiefer decides to call Logan. Curtis tells him not to bother; they'll work it out when they get to CTU. Kiefer grumpily agrees, and gets even grumpier when Curtis puts a hand on his arm and asks for his gun. "Don't make this any more difficult than it already is," Curtis warns. "Difficult"? Something tells me it wouldn't be difficult at all for Curtis to pound Kiefer on top of the head with a single blow that leaves him driven waist-deep into the ground. Kiefer, appearing to share my assessment, hands over his weapon. If only they knew that the nerve gas was within a two-minute radius from this location, they could avoid all this grief. They could simply set up a perimeter, and hope the bad guys leave a fresh clue behind when they sneak through it.
It's 3:09:12 as Buchanan and Audrey pedeconference through CTU. She's complaining about McGill's decision to bench Kiefer, but Buchanan says there's nothing they can do: "Lynn's in charge." "He may be in charge, Bill," Audrey shoots back, "but he is not in control." Good line. Before Buchanan can say as much, Audrey is called away to answer her phone.
The call is from Nathanson, who is multitasking behind the wheel. Not only is he driving and talking, he's also laying out a gun and ammunition on the passenger seat of his car. I would make a joke here about how he's clearly planning to get on the freeway, if only it were 1988. He introduces himself to Audrey, who's surprised to be speaking to "the one who sold nerve gas to the terrorists." Nathanson rather shortly asks to be transferred to Kiefer, "on a clean line." He doesn't want to tell her what it's about, and says he's only going through her "because I know you have a...special relationship with Bauer." Rather smugly for someone who's on the run from terrorists and largely out of options, he tells her that he can help CTU find the nerve gas. "How do I know you're telling the truth?" Audrey says. "You don't," Nathanson says. "Now put me through to Bauer." Even Audrey can't argue with that, so after stealing a look at McGill through the glass wall of his stolen office, Audrey dials Kiefer's cell phone number.
Kiefer and Curtis are already in their CTUmobile, although they're not actually moving yet. Audrey tells Kiefer she understands that he can't speak freely in Curtis's presence, so Kiefer turns his aviator shades to Curtis in the driver's seat and smoothly lies, "It's Audrey. It's personal." Curtis gives Kiefer leave to step out of the vehicle and take the call privately. Once Kiefer's alone, Audrey quickly tells him that Nathanson is on the line for him. "Why me?" Kiefer asks, like that's what's important now. Nathanson cuts in to say that Audrey can hang up, adding that his phone has special tech-mojo that will tell him if anyone else comes on the line. Kiefer agrees that Audrey can hang up, and she does. "What do you want with me?" he asks Nathanson. Me, me, me. Nathanson says he wants protection. "The terrorists you're after are trying to kill me," he states, in the tone you use to say "four out of five dentists recommend Trident® to their patients who chew gum." Kiefer tells Nathanson to turn himself in, but Nathanson says that Walt wasn't the only person in the government who was in on his little scheme. Ah ha, so Evelyn was onto something. Kiefer points out that he has reason to kill Nathanson himself, namely the frame-up for Palmer's murder. Nathanson glibly answers that they both want to stop the gas from being released in the U.S., and they'll need each other's help. Conceding the point, Kiefer asks where to meet Nathanson, who gives Kiefer directions to a phone booth. "Be there in ten minutes or I'll be gone," he threatens. Hey, who called whom, big talker? Curtis calls Kiefer back over to the truck, and as Kiefer hangs up, he pretends he's been talking to Audrey this whole time. It's 3:11:47 as he and Curtis take off.
As if Kiefer didn't have enough on his mind, Curtis turns out to be one of those guys who can't ride in the car without making small talk. Kiefer hates that, you know. Curtis yammers about Audrey, saying she's a good person and he hopes they get a chance. Kiefer would probably respond a bit more effusively, but he's too busy checking the passenger-side mirror to make sure there are no other CTUmobiles behind them. When Curtis comes to a stop at the stop sign, Kiefer removes his shades, pops Curtis in the side of the head, and hauls him into a sleeper hold. Curtis grunts and struggles as Kiefer tells him not to fight it. Because if he does, Kiefer will be bouncing around the inside of that CTUmobile like a rag doll. The truck rolls gently up the curb as Curtis's feet come off the brake pedal, but Kiefer doesn't release his chokehold until Curtis is out. In order to make this scene more believable, it's framed in really close in hopes we'll forget that Roger Cross has arms. "I'm sorry," Kiefer whispers. So sorry, in fact, that he goes around to Curtis's door, drags him out of the vehicle, and leaves him lying on the ground under some bushes before driving off in Curtis's CTUmobile. At least he got him off the street. It's 3:13:14.
At 3:18:24, McGill gets a phone call in his stolen office. It's Curtis, reporting that Kiefer has escaped, and has shut down the transceiver on board the hijacked CTUmobile, making it impossible to track. McGill is puzzled as to how this happened, although he throws a suspicious glance through his stolen glass wall down towards Audrey on the CTU floor when Curtis says Kiefer claimed his last call was from her. Curtis is rather amusingly humiliated at having this happen to him, and I can't blame him. This latest failure catches up to McGill, and he's getting pissed off all over again as he orders Curtis back to CTU and hangs up the phone. "Dammit!" he curses in frustration. At 3:19:28, he heads down to the floor and orders Chloe to triangulate the location of Kiefer's cell phone. And then he goes over to where Audrey is working on her computer and asks if she's talked to Kiefer since he's been in custody. "No," Audrey lies, and McGill informs her that Kiefer has busted loose. "Why would he do that?" Audrey asks. "Maybe you can tell me," McGill says, in what he thinks is a "scary boss" voice. Audrey rather warmly insists that she doesn't know what Kiefer's up to, "but I'm sure there's an explanation." With that, Chloe calls over to report that Kiefer's phone isn't emitting a locator signal. Which leaves Audrey as McGill's only lead. But all he can think of to say to her is, "If you think of anything, you'll let me know." Good to know that McGill's on the case. Why waste time looking for the terrorists with the chemical weapon when you can look for the guy who's looking for the terrorists with the chemical weapon?
Audrey nods at McGill, but no sooner is he out of earshot than she picks up her phone and dials Chloe, who's sitting twenty feet away. Audrey opens the conversation by saying that what she's about to tell her regarding Kiefer is to be kept secret (and we all know how great Chloe is at that). Not a second too soon, because a priority bulleting notifying Chloe of Kiefer's disappearance has just popped up on her screen. Wow, McGill got that out fast; he's not even back in his office yet. Audrey tells Chloe that Kiefer's working a lead alone, and that she needs Chloe to delete the record of the call she just transferred to Kiefer a few minutes ago. As we see McGill arriving back in his office in a split-screen window, Chloe frets about him busting them. But because it's for Kiefer, she's already opening the window on her system to fulfill Audrey's request.
Meanwhile, McGill picks up his stolen desk phone off his stolen desk and dials. At first I think he's calling Chloe, but he actually reaches another person at CTU who works with computers (not Edgar, surprisingly, who has no lines this hour) and asks to have the phone records from Audrey's workstation sent up to his screen immediately.
Down on the floor, Chloe has already pulled up the records, and quickly determines that she can't delete just the one call to Kiefer for some reason.
Office. McGill already has the phone logs for all of CTU up on his screen, and it's only a matter of scrolling through until he gets to Audrey's phone at station five.
Floor. Chloe tells Audrey that the only way to get rid of the call in less than two hours is to delete every call from that station for the whole day. Audrey looks up at McGill, who's looking intently at his monitor, and tells Chloe, "Do it." Chloe does it, and a close-up of her monitor shows the window going blank and disappearing from her screen.
Office. A slick edit shows the same window disappearing from McGill's screen a second later. If you look quickly, you can see Jack Bauer's name highlighted on one line, but it's not clear whether McGill looked quickly enough before it vanished. McGill looks around in suspicious befuddlement. I don't know why, but this show is always at its most suspenseful not when countless lives are at stake or Kiefer's got a gun to his head, but when somebody's just plain trying not to get busted.
"It's done," Chloe tells Audrey. Audrey thanks her and hangs up, then goes back to work, probably completely aware that through the glass wall above her, McGill is now staring holes into her back.
It's 3:21:47, and for once we find Logan actually doing something. Specifically, he's watching TV. Hey, at least it's better than staring out the window. He's watching fake cable news coverage of that morning's treaty signing, so this must be the slowest news day ever shown on 24. Novick comes in and closes the door behind him, carrying a cell phone in both hands like he's trying to prevent it from exploding. As Logan mutes the TV, Novick quietly says there's a call Logan needs to take, and it's coming in on Walt Cummings's phone. The caller is claiming to be in possession of the nerve gas, Novick says, and he's demanding to speak to Logan. Logan doesn't want to take the call (which Novick says in untraceable), because he's a coward and a weasel, but Novick insists. Finally Logan screws up the courage to talk to the guy, although he insists that Novick put the phone on speaker, to protect him from the big bad terrorist who's not even connected to him via a wire. Novick does, missing a great comic opportunity by failing to mistakenly hang up on the caller.
Who turns out to be none other than Bierko. We're not supposed to know this yet, but Bierko's first name is Vladimir. Vladimir Bierko. Now that's a cool name. It's a shame he had to become a terrorist. With a name like that, he could have been an entrepreneur. And his company, of course, would be called VladimirKo. Which is probably what I'm going to end up calling his little terror operation anyway. Consider yourself informed. Logan asks if he's talking to Erwich, and Bierko smoothly explains that Erwich is "no longer with us." He adds that the mall attack was "unsanctioned and unwarranted. It didn't suit our interests." Logan wonders what Bierko wants aside from the chance to apologize, and Bierko says he wants to use the nerve gas on Russia. But since that option is closed off to him now, he'll settle for attacking the Russian president while they both happen to be in town. And so he demands from Logan President Suvarov's route to the airport from Not Camp David, as well as a profile of the motorcade's security detail. Logan's face falls in shock, and Novick rubs his head miserably. "I don't personally have that information," Logan weasels, instead of flatly refusing to supply it. Bierko says that although he doesn't want to hurt Americans, he'll do a lot more damage than was done in the mall if Logan doesn't comply. "That would be senseless murder," Logan tries to reason. Bierko agrees, and again insists on being supplied the info. Logan tries to hedge, but he even sucks at that; Bierko just gives him fifteen minutes to get the information and then hangs up. Great stalling, Chuck.
He turns to Novick and says, "He wants to assassinate Suvarov," as if Novick hadn't heard the entire conversation. Novick shakes his head and waves his hands, incredulous that Logan is even considering it. "We can't let that happen," he duhs. "It wouldn't just nullify the treaty, it would destroy our relationship with Moscow." Logan digests that (or, he digests it as well as one can digest anything when one does not actually possess intestines), and asks for Suvarov's route information from the Secret Service. He defensively says that he just wants the information ready when Bierko calls back. Novick heads off to get it for him. It's 3:24:13.
And we're back, at 3:28:24. Buchanan's up in his office that McGill evicted him from, and now McGill has the balls to say to him, "Someone's screwing with me, Bill. And I won't tolerate it." He shows Buchanan the printout of Audrey's wiped phone log. Seems like he could have saved a tree and handed over a blank sheet of paper to create the same effect. Buchanan thinks it's just a glitch, but McGill's off on a rant about how Audrey deliberately erased the log to hide the fact that she talked to Kiefer right before he escaped. "There's something going on between those two," McGill deduces. "What's their history?" Buchanan looks a little awkward for a moment before reminding McGill that "they worked together at DoD." But McGill won't let it lie, so Buchanan has to say that "it got personal later on." McGill is pissed that Buchanan didn't tell him this before, and Buchanan wonders what difference it makes. I wonder why Buchanan was so reluctant to mention it if he really thinks it's irrelevant. And then McGill, who's been completely correct (if not right, and I think you grok the distinction I'm making) about what's been going on, starts to suspect that Audrey knew Kiefer was alive all along. Buchanan doesn't think so; as you recall, he was there when Audrey found out. McGill speculates that it's an act, and Buchanan just tells him he's being paranoid. Which only pisses McGill off more, and now he's the one getting personal: "CTU has become way too porous, and that's your fault, Bill," he bitches. Which is completely unfair, because come on. "Become"?
Kiefer comes screaming around a corner in his carjacked CTUmobile at 3:30:12, getting yelled at amusingly by a homeless person wheeling his shopping cart along. Kiefer can't slow down, dude, he's seven minutes late! He's got to get to the phone booth before his lead decides to take his chances with a bunch of pissed-off terrorists! Kiefer hops out to stand to the payphone, which starts ringing like a cell phone. But that's because it's not the payphone that's ringing, but a cell phone to the payphone -- complete with earpiece attachment -- that Nathanson left there for Kiefer. They're lucky the homeless guy didn't find it. As Kiefer's fiddling around with the equipment, we see Nathanson observing him from a window above, unseen behind metal louvers and holding his chunky, foreign-looking handgun. Kiefer finally manages to get the phone answered, and asks Nathanson where he is. But first, Nathanson needs Kiefer to jump through some hoops to make sure he wasn't followed. As Kiefer makes his way to a nearby alley specified by Nathanson, they have a little conversation about what Nathanson did. Nathanson disagrees with being called a traitor. Kiefer says he can't justify the killing of Palmer. Nathanson feels bad about that: "We admired Palmer, but we had other priorities." He starts in on his crypto-pseudo-neocon blather, but Kiefer isn't impressed. "It's still treason," he says. "No," Nathanson says, "it's a realpolitik." Nathanson's tone, as always, sounds like he's doing a voice-over for a movie trailer. See, this is what happens when creepy lightweights try mucking around in foreign policy. Keep that in mind in case the Cato Institute ever hires an army, or if a Presidential candidate has a bunch of buddies at the Project for the New American Century. Kiefer's now near an open door to a low building, which Nathanson instructs him to enter. But first, Kiefer wants to check out why he hears the sound of a helicopter really close by. He vaults up a conveniently-placed outdoor staircase that takes him all the way to the building's roof, where he spots the chopper touching down and disgorging a couple of guys with assault rifles before it takes off again. Staying low and out of sight, Kiefer tells Nathanson that the bad guys have arrived, and after determining that Nathanson has a weapon, tells him to get to the roof -- you know, where the bad guys are -- and stay on the line. "All right," Nathanson says pleasantly, and makes a break for it.
At CTU, Buchanan finds Audrey and tells her he just got a McGrilling. "About you and Jack," he explains. He tells her that McGill suspects Audrey of having something to do with Kiefer's escape. Her expression couldn't look any more busted if Buchanan had impaled her to the wall with a letter opener. "Did you?" Buchanan asks her unnecessarily. "Not exactly," Audrey says, which is true in the sense that she didn't knock Curtis out and steal his car. Buchanan takes her aside, and she confides about Nathanson's call to her from "about twenty minutes ago." I just wanted to be sure I noted that, because I think it's the only stated interval of time that's actually correct in this whole episode. Buchanan's not happy that this is the first he's hearing of Kiefer's little project, or that Kiefer is meeting Nathanson without backup, but he keeps his voice down as he asks who else knows. Audrey says only Chloe: "She helped me cover the call from Lynn." And she'll be thrilled that you shared that with Buchanan, I'm sure.
Just then, McGill's voice calls Audrey's name from across the room. She and Buchanan quickly and smoothly drop into a completely innocuous conversation, Buchanan even going so far as to don his glasses to look at the document Audrey's pretending to show him. So I guess he's in on it now, too. McGill says he wants to go over some DoD protocols with Audrey, and he wants to do it right there at her station, starting right now. Audrey freezes. "Unless you have a problem working with me on this," McGill adds, less neutrally than he probably intends. Once again forgetting that McGill isn't actually her boss, Audrey agrees. Buchanan makes himself scarce before he has to lie some more.
It's 3:33:05, and Nathanson is riding the world's slowest freight elevator towards the roof. Over their open cell phone line, Kiefer tells him, "You need to get out of there now, you're cornered." What I want to know is why Kiefer is always telling Chloe to send him schematics of places when obviously he carries the blueprints of every building in Los Angeles around in his head. Nathanson hits the button for the floor and bails out, running across what looks like a middle floor of an abandoned warehouse. CTU really needs to get the city to knock these kinds of places down already. Elsewhere on the floor, a single goon with an assault rifle is slowly making his way across the huge, empty room, until he gets a bullet in the back from Nathanson, who had been staying out of sight. Nathanson tucks his handgun in his waistband and efficiently loots the corpse of its assault rifle and handgun before heading for the exit. But there are two other goons on the floor as well, who start shooting before he can get away. For an ex-CIA guy, Nathanson isn't so great at staying hidden or providing himself covering fire as he runs, but by sheer luck he manages to make it to the stairs and head up. "Bauer, where are you?" he hollers into his phone. Kiefer, climbing a staircase of his own, tells him to keep moving. Did you know the actor who plays Nathanson used to be on a show called Forever Knight, where he played a vampire cop or something? I'm having trouble imagining that.
Nathanson reaches the roof and dives over a low wall separating two buildings just as another gunman pops up behind him and opens fire. Nathanson keeps running, making a splendid target in his big black suit atop a cream-colored roof, and he gets winged in the leg before taking cover behind a raised skylight. Now both guys are shooting at him again, and he returns fire. Except, like an idiot, he does it when they're both under cover, so his very last bullet goes right over their heads. Nathanson must not have been a field agent. They move in when Nathanson stops shooting, and are quickly in position to take him out as he lies there helplessly. But right on cue, Kiefer takes them both out with deadly-accurate shots from his handgun as he stands on the roof of the building door. Funny, I don't see a sniper scope on that thing. Kiefer starts making his way over to Nathanson's roof for the rendezvous, but they're not out of the woods yet; the helicopter has returned.
Kiefer takes cover behind a large air conditioning unit, bellows an order for Nathanson to stay down, and starts shooting at the chopper from his little bitty handgun. The chopper pilot isn't deterred, however, and there's a guy positioned in the open side door who's firing a machine gun at both of them. Kiefer reloads and fires back. Nathanson takes advantage of what he thinks is sufficient distraction to break cover and reach for the assault rifle of the corpse to him, but a salvo of machine gun fire quickly stitches him to the roof. Unaware of this, Kiefer empties another clip at the helicopter, which begins emitting black smoke from its underside and starts spinning in the air. The pilot quickly regains control, and the craft limps off through the air, where one hopes it won't finally fail for good and crash into the Sunrise Hills Mall or something. Kiefer runs over to Nathanson's bullet-riddled body, rolls him over, and demands, "How do I find the canisters of Sentox?" Nathanson's fading fast, but he manages to direct Kiefer to his pocket. He's got the canisters in his pocket? That was easy. But all Kiefer finds is a memory card in a little case. "What's on the chip?" he begs Nathanson to tell him, but Nathanson is now too dead to talk. Nothing more dangerous to be on this show than CTU's only lead, is there? Kiefer whips out his PDA and plugs the chip into it.
The helicopter pilot has already managed to set the craft down somewhere. Wading through the smoke still coming out of the thing, the blond gunman from earlier tells his cell phone, "Nathanson's dead, but there was someone else there." On the other end of the call, Bierko wants to know who. Blond Guy responds, "I don't know yet, but he took out three of my men and disabled the helicopter." I wish I could convey how fucked up this guy's accent is. I'd like to tell you that he sounds almost like Hank Azaria in America's Sweethearts, but then I would have to admit that I saw that movie and that's not about to happen. He sounds like he's saying, "Kche tuckawt thlee of my man and dee-she-bood the kcheli-caw-ptru." I had a professor in college who came to Minnesota by way of Brooklyn by way of Great Britain by way of Czechoslovakia by way of Poland, and even his accent was easier to decipher than this guy's. And then Bierko responds in Julian Sands's flawless British accent that Nathanson may have passed along damaging information. "Keep looking until you find him," he says. Wow, Russia must have really done a number on their home country if there aren't two people from there who share the same accent. Fucked-Up Accent Guy's ground transportation has arrived, and he yells at the driver in a foreign language. Probably Centralasian. Back at base, Bierko goes back to watching Fox News at 3:36:56.
Audrey's walking McGill through a bunch of DoD busywork. She tries to ignore her desk phone when it starts ringing, but McGill ominously intones, "Shouldn't you get that?" Audrey picks up the handset, and Kiefer quickly tells Audrey that he needs her to help him with the data he got from Nathanson. "Sorry, Steve," Audrey says smoothly, "you have the wrong extension. I'll transfer you to IT." And she punches out a few numbers on her keypad while McGill, literally standing over her, watches suspiciously. The call duly dumped, Audrey goes back to her boring spiel.
Kiefer's call rings on Chloe's phone, and as she picks it up I notice that the little videophone monitors from last season are gone. Good thing, too; not only would it have gotten Audrey busted, but they were stupid, as well. Kiefer wants to know why Audrey bounced him over even as I wonder why Kiefer didn't call Chloe in the first place. Chloe says that McGill is shadowing Audrey: "He thinks she's been talking to you behind his back, which I guess she has." As Kiefer hops back into Curtis's CTUmobile, presumably leaving Nathanson and the other two bodies on the roof to bloat in the sun and eventually explode, he tells Chloe he's got a "thumb drive" full of data that she needs to mine for him. From his PDA, he messages the data to Chloe, and it appears on her screen almost instantly. He asks her to keep it "under the radar," which she decodes as "keep it from Lynn." "At least until we know what we've got," Kiefer confirms. Isn't it great how with so little discussion, all of the CTU folks from last season are able to just slot right into their respective roles and work together as a cohesive unit to shut out the boss? Chloe hangs up and puts on an "innocent" face, which Audrey only dreams of being able to mimic as she works under McGill's watchful eye. And his even more watchful other eye. At this rate, his hands are going to get pretty watchful in a minute as well. It's 3:38:16.
Commercials. I think I finally figured out what's bugging me about this Pepsi ad with Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey: it's that I can't believe there's any overlap at all in their respective demographics. Which, now that I think about it, is probably the diabolical genius of it.
3:42:32. Logan is actually sort of doing something as we come back from break: he's holding an open folder in one hand and a pen in the other, reading. But then the hilarious thing is that as Novick comes in, Logan briskly snaps the folder shut and tries to smoothly drop the pen in his inside jacket pocket. Except he misses! As Novick keeps walking towards him, he has to devote his full attention to the task and ends up fumbling around in there for a full three seconds. And then he fixes Novick with this guilty/suspicious glare, like, You didn't see that, did you? I hope that was just a mistake and they only decided to keep the take because Gregory Itzin threw in that awesome, yet completely-in-character facial expression. And now I know why Logan spends so much of his time just standing around and staring: because everything else is too hard. But back to the actual, scripted events of the show, in which Novick hands over the information about Suvarov's route that Bierko requested earlier. Good thing Bierko's late in calling back, because that was eighteen minutes ago. I'm wondering if the writers weren't somehow betrayed by the people who actually cut this episode together. Maybe they should shoot multiple versions of each scene that contains a reference to a specific time interval, but change that interval in five-minute increments each take. Then when they edit the episode together they use the take with the correct interval and you don't end up with Kiefer showing up seven minutes late and Bierko calling fifteen minutes later than he promised, just for example. See, I'm not just here to tear down. Also, while I'm making suggestions, how about y'all start planning out the season in advance? Whoops, I think I just lost them there. Anyway. Novick repeats his advice that giving up Suvarov is a bad idea: "If President Suvarov is killed and the Russians find out we supplied his killers with this information, it would be considered an act of war." Logan would prefer to believe that any attack on Suvarov's motorcade is doomed to failure. Obviously he hasn't heard about Bierko's additional men and resources. When Novick still looks doubtful, Logan tries to compromise by suggesting an analysis of the vulnerable points on the route. Novick protests that that would give away the fact that they had advance knowledge of the attack.
"What attack?" asks FLOTUS, who has just wandered into the room unannounced. And she's wearing yet another outfit. I think she changes clothes more times in one day than Ferris Bueller. Logan and Novick look busted, and Logan tries to tell her not to worry her pretty little head about it. Like that's ever going to work again. FLOTUS flatly says, "Charles, you invited me into this circle." Actually, not to keep going on about the size of Logan's staff, but it's not so much a circle as a triangle. And if FLOTUS weren't there it would be a line. Logan, seeing that Novick has turned away and is leaving him twisting in the wind on this, takes a deep breath and tells his wife, "The terrorists want Suvarov's motorcade route. They've threatened to deploy more Sentox gas if I don't give it to them." FLOTUS haltingly asks whether Logan is actually considering this. Logan doesn't answer, and now Novick steps in, because as important as it is for the United States to not give in to terrorists and not help its treaty partners get killed on American soil, it's more important for Novick to disagree with FLOTUS. Using both their first names, he starts to explain Logan's position, but FLOTUS yells at him to shut up and let Logan speak for himself. Logan nods reluctantly, and Novick excuses himself from the room. FLOTUS lets him leave this time, so she must have picked up on the fact that this latest bad idea wasn't his.
Logan tries to explain his position: if he doesn't give the terrorists what they wants, tens of thousands of Americans will die. Well, when you put it that way. Horrified, FLOTUS asks, "What are you telling me, that we are going to stand in front of the entire world with the Suvarovs, you're going to look him in the eye, shake his hand, knowing you're sending them to their deaths?" Logan asks if she thinks Suvarov would save them if they were in Russia and their positions were reversed, but FLOTUS angrily insists that's beside the point: "You are the President of the United States! My God, Charles! You're talking about murder!" Oh, calm down. He's talking about conspiracy to commit murder, which is totally different. Logan asks what else he can do, and FLOTUS angrily says he should tell the terrorists to pound sand: "Isn't that the policy of this country? Isn't that the point of the treaty you just signed?" "It's not that simple, Martha," Logan responds pointedly. "It never is." How do you like that circle now, FLOTUS?
It's 3:46:03, and McGill is still standing over Audrey in order to try and minimize the risk that she might actually get any work done. Meanwhile, twenty feet over at Chloe's cube, she's run into a brick wall when trying to decrypt Kiefer's new data. "Dammit," she breathes, and picks up her cell phone to call Buchanan's cell. Wisely keeping it off the logs in case McGill starts to wonder why his employees are talking to each other, I suppose. Apparently Chloe already knows that Buchanan's in their secret club, because she complains to him that the data is encrypted with a Defense Department code, and only Audrey has the clearance to decrypt it. Which is going to be tough to get away with without tipping off McGill, who at this point is chest-deep up Audrey's ass. Starting across the floor towards Audrey's station, Buchanan asks how much time Chloe needs. "Two, three minutes," Chloe guesstimates. "Hang on," Buchanan says, hanging up. Well, that was a confusing directive.
But he's calling McGill away from Audrey's desk. As he smoothly spins a web of bullshit about how he's looking into the security breach of the phone logs (and nice move there, making it the one thing that McGill might almost be interested in enough to turn away from Audrey's monitor for five seconds). Chloe takes advantage of the opening to IM Audrey: "Buchanan's buying time. I need your DOD codes to decrypt data Jack got from Nathanson." Does Buchanan know he's buying enough time for proper capitalization? In the background, Buchanan says he and McGill need to go up to the boss's office to investigate further. And then he makes his one misstep when he says they'll need to use McGill's keycard to access the records that will tell them who's behind the phone log affair. McGill isn't about to admit that his keycard's long gone, so he stops short at the bottom of the stairs and asks Buchanan, "Why are you so interested in this?" "I'm serious about all breaches of security," Buchanan answers mildly as Audrey IMs her clearance code -- which she knows from memory -- back to Chloe and closes the IM window. But McGill turns just in time to see the window disappear and barks, "What was that?" as he dives right back up Audrey's ass, vanishing all the way to his shoes. Audrey plays innocent, but McGill continues to make a loud, paranoid ass of himself, which is a pretty impressive feat considering that his insane suspicions are totally correct. Buchanan's had enough playacting, and he quietly offers to explain. But McGill already has an explanation: "This was a deliberate attempt to circumvent my authority!" Audrey gets to her feet to remind McGill that they're all on the same side. McGill rounds on her and blusters, "If your father wasn't the Secretary of Defense, I'd have you thrown out of here." And to Buchanan: "I don't have that problem with you." With that, he calls the Redshirts to have Buchanan put in holding. "You are making a mistake," Audrey says, and Buchanan says her name in a quiet but warning tone. A look passes between them that I don't really get, but the actors probably don't either and they're doing the best they can with the material they've been given at this point. Buchanan goes quietly with the Redshirts. McGill raises his voice and announces to the entire place that "I'm putting a section two-three redundancy into effect as of this moment." For anyone who doesn't know what that means, he explains that "all of your stations will be mirrored and monitored through my office." Well, he's going to be busy. Audrey tries to remonstrate with McGill again, telling him, "You are jeopardizing our chances of finding that nerve gas. I will make sure that DoD and the Secretary of Defense are made aware of that!" McGill looks up at her. "Don't threaten me, Ms. Raines. I promise you, you do not want to threaten me," he threatens right back. Nerve gas? What nerve gas? I have to say, the forums were kind of hard on McGill for letting himself get distracted by a lame palace coup while terrorists were on the loose with WMDs. But I think it shows that McGill may just be Presidential timbre. Palmerian, even. It's 3:48:38.
3:52:52. Kiefer's driving around in his stolen CTUmobile when Chloe calls up to tell him what she's found from Kiefer's data: apparently a company called Terra-Dyne has been buying up large quantities of the strontium isotope that's used to make Sentox nerve gas. I later read that the actual company Teradyne (which makes electronics testing equipment) is a little miffed at their name being taken in vain like this, even with the alternate spelling. Maybe they should change it to something more innocuous but similar-sounding, like "Terror-Dying." Kiefer asks where the company is, and Chloe tells him La Cañada. Good thing it's not the actual Canada, or we'd have to go on hiatus while Kiefer flies there. Chloe adds that Terra-Dyne is a subsidiary of a company called Omicron International. That name clearly rings a whole shelf full of bells for Kiefer, and he tells Chloe to see if the senior management roster includes the name Christopher Henderson. I'm spoiled as to who that is, but I'm keeping it to myself for now. Chloe confirms that a guy by that name is Omicron's Senior Vice President of Research and Development, and asks if Kiefer knows him. Wow, his super-sleuthing skills are starting to rub off on her. "Yeah, I did once," Kiefer admits. He asks her to send the decrypted files to his PDA, but she says that's going to be tricky with everyone under McGill's microscope. She doesn't add that she's risking joining Buchanan in holding for the second time today just by reading this stuff off her screen to Kiefer, which is unlike her. Kiefer is worried to hear that Buchanan's been put away for insubordination, and wonders what's going on. "[McGill]'s losing it," Chloe explains. "I think the president's putting too much pressure on him to get those canisters. He can't handle it." Who is this astute student of human nature, and what has she done with Chloe? Kiefer says he still needs the files, and Chloe hangs up with a promise to try.
It's 3:54:22 at Not Camp David as Novick rejoins the Logans. "President Suvarov's waiting," he says softly, and goes outside, leaving them alone for a moment. Logan tries to talk to his wife, who's behaving quite coldly now. He expresses his hope that CTU will find the canisters before the Suvarovs leave, because he has no way of knowing that CTU is currently ankle-deep in McGill's urine. FLOTUS says she understands, even though she obviously hates them both right now. Novick sticks his head back inside to hurry things along, and Logan coaxes his wife towards the door.
Outside, President Suvarov is standing to his wife and thanking the Logan's staff. "Your President is fortunate to have such talented people working for him," he smarms, and they disperse. The President is fortunate if he's ever exchanged two words with these "talented people," I say. The Logans join them, and Suvarov thanks Logan effusively for his "hospitality." I hope they're under an overhang of some sort, or Bierko's going to be pretty pissed when his big symbolic target ends up getting killed in a rain of anvils. FLOTUS is clearly distracted by the sound of Walt's cell phone -- which is back in Novick's possession -- ringing. Novick wanders off to take the call privately while her husband continues glad-handing the Suvarovs. Mrs. Suvarov thanks FLOTUS for her kindness, Suvarov compliments Logan on his "brilliant" handling of the airport situation earlier, Logan thanks Suvarov for his support, and it's all about to turn into a big heads-of-state-and-wives orgy right there on the lawn. Suvarov asks Logan, "Have there been...further developments?" Logan stares blankly into Suvarov's weird little squished-in face before baldly lying to it that everything's under control. Logan shepherds them towards the area where the photographers are waiting. Novick stays behind, giving Suvarov's motorcade route to Bierko over the phone. So I guess he's come around on that. As the Logans lag behind the Suvarovs, FLOTUS looks like she's about to scream or bolt, but Logan tells her to hold it together. Maybe her crazy pills are wearing off; it's been at least five or six hours since she took one.
At his bunker, Bierko gets off the phone. He goes to where his men are gathered around a map of Los Angeles spread out on a table and says, "Tell our people, this is where I want them to strike." He draws an "X" through a circle that's already there. And as he shrinks up into a split-screen window, he goes in again with the pen, probably adding his initials, and then a couple of stick figure guys with guns, and a little cartoon of Suvarov (if that's not redundant) with its head getting blown open. In other split-screen windows, Curtis arrives back at CTU, presumably having had to catch a cab; Buchanan cools his heels in holding; and Kiefer drives Curtis's CTUmobile to La Cañada, where his old buddy Christopher Henderson may or may not be happy to see him.
At Not Camp David, the Presidents are shaking hands some more for the photographers, while their wives look on from a distance. Let's hope for Logan's sake that nobody snaps a shot of FLOTUS looking like she's trying not to crap her pants; that could be awkward in any future investigation of the attack on Suvarov. Aaron the Secret Service agent arrives to break up the little party, and the Suvarovs head toward their limo. At 3:58:02, Logan takes FLOTUS's hand and leads her along behind them as she quietly begs him to stop this while there's still time. His efforts to shut her down are interrupted when an aide comes up to tell Logan that McGill is calling from CTU, asking to speak directly to Logan. Can't wait to hear that update: "Mr. President, we're no closer to finding the nerve gas, but you'll be glad to hear that everyone here hates me more than ever." Logan reaches the Suvarovs, bids them a final (potentially really final) goodbye alongside their limo, and walks off without looking back. Which is pretty cold, considering that a call from McGill would be a good excuse to hedge his bets for a minute or so. He doesn't even spare a glance at his wife, who's still standing there looking desperate. But then she has an idea. I would almost call it a terrible, wonderful idea, I'm so ambivalent about it. Just as Aaron is about to close the limo door with the Suvarovs inside, FLOTUS stops him. "Aaron," she announces, "I've decided to drive to the airport with the Suvarovs. You can have a car follow us." Now, that's thinking outside the box. She's gambling that once Logan finds out she's with the Suvarovs, even he won't be enough of a puss to let her get killed along with them. She is of course discounting the perspective that her death will solve an entirely different set of problems for him. Oblivious to all of this, Aaron protests that they don't have the staff, but seeing that FLOTUS isn't wavering, he offers, "I'll ride up front." FLOTUS tries to tell him that that isn't necessary, but he just Aarons, "Yes it is." Aaron needs to decide if he's in charge of Logan or his wife, because I don't think this sharing thing is going to work out. FLOTUS clearly doesn't want Aaron to follow her into certain death, but she doesn't want to give away too much. And besides, the guy's got to earn his $22,000 a year somehow, right? "Would you tell my husband where I am?" she asks him before getting into the car. Aaron nods and closes the door behind her.
Inside, she tells the Suvarovs, "I hope you don't mind if I accompany you." The Suvarovs hilariously look at her, and then each other, like they actually kind of do mind because they were about to reenact their favorite scene from No Way Out (dude's name is Yuri and everything), but what are they going to say? "This way we'll have more time to talk," FLOTUS says. Mrs. Suvarov acts like she's happy about this. From up front, Aaron says that Logan is being briefed by CTU, but Aaron's leaving a message. FLOTUS thanks him, and the motorcade -- with its American flags fluttering from the car hoods -- is on the move, out of Not Camp David, on its way to Not Alive Anymore. Bierko watches Fox News's live coverage of the motorcade's departure, but it's not clear whether he was able to see FLOTUS getting into one of the cars. And even if he did, whether he recognized her. I mean, come on, any Americans here who could pick Svetlana Putin out of a line-up? I didn't think so. It's 4:00:00.