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It's The Naked Mandy Show, as she tries to use Soul Patch to force Bitchelle to help her escape. Bitchelle almost goes for it, too, but comes to her senses before anything irreversible happens. Kiefer has CTU pretend to play along, and then he watches as two figures get into a car that blows up seconds later. Whoopsie! Almost everyone gives up on finding the missile in time, and starts getting ready to deal with the aftermath of its seemingly inevitable detonation. The Chinese nab Agent Bern, who fingers Kiefer in the Consulate raid. Whoopsie again! But before the blowback hits Kiefer, he's able to figure out that Soul Patch and Naked Mandy aren't dead after all. He tracks captor and hostage to a parking garage and, with Curtis's help, takes her down. Will she talk? We won't know until the final hour starts a couple of minutes later. I don't know if I can stand the suspense. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
You know, ever since Season One, the hardest thing about 24 for me to get my brain around wasn't the ten-minute crosstown drives, or all the whatever technology that always works perfectly, or the speed with which CTU gets one break after another in its investigations. It's the fact that stuff that happened to Kiefer 24 hours ago is stuff that we first saw months ago. Think of what you were doing this time yesterday. Now take a second to realize that this time during Kiefer's yesterday, he hadn't even been inside CTU for over a year. That seems like half a lifetime ago. More, if you're my son, who was just under three months old when the season premiere aired, and is now packing for law school. But anyway, now that the Nanny 911 fans have had a chance to get over the disappointment of having their show preempted by hour one of 24's two-hour season finale, let's get to it.
Previously on 24: A cruise missile with a nuclear warhead was launched from somewhere in Iowa. As if that weren't enough for the Veep to worry about, Palmer had also authorized a raid on the Chinese Consulate that got the Chinese Consul killed. And the Chinese were pissed off about it, especially when their security cameras got a gander at one of Kiefer's team members, Agent Burn (so nicknamed because of what I predicted his eventual confession would do to his superiors. Go, me!). Kiefer had Burn spirited away. Kiefer caught ImhoTerror, and then he lost him. Again. But CTU convinced Dick to provide a description of Naked Man, who was working with ImhoTerror along with Naked Mandy. At least until Naked Mandy killed Naked Man. Bitchelle and Soul Patch got back together and agreed to leave CTU, ensuring that the mission Soul Patch was about to embark on would go completely pear-shaped. And indeed, Naked Mandy killed Agent Castle and took Soul Patch hostage. Which surprised and horrified Bitchelle, even though she really should have expected it by this point. The following takes place between 5:00 AM and 6:00 AM.
Armored CTU agents are swarming all over the Naked Arms apartment complex, including Kiefer. I know it doesn't seem possible for one guy to swarm, but he's managing it. Over his earpiece connection to Bitchelle and Buchanan at CTU, we review the relevant facts: Naked Mandy is still at large, but she has to be hiding somewhere in the complex because, and I quote, "The perimeter is airtight." Huh, they must have gotten a new one. But with over 600 residential units in the complex, the search is going to take a lot more manpower. This conversation is accompanied by a nicely composed shot of groups of CTU agents working three levels of the building simultaneously. Buchanan balks at the expenditure of personnel, but a pissed-off Kiefer reminds us that there's a "missile in the air carrying a nucular warhead. This is our best shot at taking it out before it hits its target." Buchanan says that his guys are in fact kind of busy looking for the actual missile. But Bitchelle jumps in anyway to say they'll send more LAPD officers, as well as Curtis and another tactical team. Buchanan raises an eyebrow, but keeps quiet. Kiefer agrees, and hangs up. Buchanan and Bitchelle get right to work rustling up more bodies.
And now we learn why they haven't found the missile yet; it looks like DoDder's the one running the satellite search. She's on the phone to Poor Man's Hume Cronyn in the White House Bunker, saying the second pass over the search radius has come up empty. PMHC asks her to assess their chances of finding the missile on later passes. She's not optimistic, due to the missile's onboard stealth technology. PMHC has clearly been reading the forums, because he asks about tracking the missile by its heat signature. DoDder says that doesn't help if the missile is flying close enough to the ground. She says it'll be "less than twenty minutes" before the second scan is completed. PMHC asks her to get back to him then, and they hang up.
Bitchelle is on the phone, throwing everything with a pulse at the Naked Arms. We can hear her telling someone to bump up the clearances of people who aren't even authorized for field work. I assume that by that she means people besides Kiefer and Soul Patch. Meanwhile, Buchanan is wrapping things up with LAPD. Once they're both off their phones, Bitchelle is disgusted to hear that LAPD is only sending nine guys over to the Naked Arms. Buchanan is working on other options, but that's not good enough for Bitchelle: "When? We need people there now. This woman has to be captured." She starts to stomp off, but Buchanan stops her and gently says, "Everyone understands what's at stake here. We're going to do our best to find this woman, but we have to remain calm. Or everything will spiral out of control." I don't know, I'd say that already happened about halfway through the season. Just like every other season of this show. Bitchelle gets a hold of herself and admits that she's not being objective. Buchanan reminds her, "The big picture is that we have to apprehend this hostile. Alive. Nothing else matters." Bitchelle looks like she could think of a thing or two that might, but she holds her peace.
At the moment, the hostile in question is busy surfing the web in a vacant apartment. Because what's the first thing you do when you take someone hostage? You Google him. She's already gotten some useful information -- specifically, an online news article relating to the denouement of Soul Patch's arc from the season. I'd assume she's reading my last few recaps from last year, but those don't come with photos. In this case, there's a shot of Season Three Soul Patch getting led out of CTU by burly agents, as well as one of Season Three Bitchelle that might as well be captioned "Why he did it" so that horny male and lesbian web surfers everywhere can start looking for terrorists of their own to aid and abet. Inspiring horny female and gay viewers everywhere to do the same, Soul Patch is kneeling shirtless and gagged nearby, with his hands cuffed behind him and a plastic tie around his ankles. Naked Mandy's cell phone rings at 5:04:44, and she and her leg holster wander into the apartment's kitchen to answer it. It's one of those open floor plans that basically make all the common areas one big room, though, so that Soul Patch can clearly hear her when she answers, "What is it, ImhoTerror?"
ImhoTerror, whose long-neglected arm wound is being injected by a minion with a syringe (might want to flake off a few square inches of that dried blood first, there, Sawbones), tells Naked Mandy she's late. Mandy says she ran into a "hitch" that she's taking care of. If by "hitch" she means the fact that she's totally surrounded and had to kill her accomplice. ImhoTerror says that he's leaving in one hour and he's not waiting for her. She promises she'll be there, and hangs up. She cocks her gun for some unclear reason (to remind us that she has one? I hadn't forgotten, what with her having a hostage and all), then walks across the apartment to peer through the vertical blinds at all the law enforcement activity going on outside. Never mind the fact that she's silhouetting herself in a lit window; the glare from the Manson lamps she's pointing down there should be giving her away instantly. She crosses the apartment again and tells Soul Patch, "They're very close to finding us and that would…"
"…"
"…be very, very bad for both of us." Seriously, that's how she said it. I even had time to wonder who the hell Atwood is and what his connection is to all this is. But anyway, now that Mandy's all up to speed on how Season Three ended, she makes sure we are too by saying to her hostage, "Two years ago, you put Bitchelle Dessler's life ahead of national security. You let a suspect escape and you committed treason. Is she? Gonna do the same for you." Okay, Mandy's hot, but I'm not sure she's hot enough to get away with line readings that are that off-kilter.
DoDder has indeed called back PMHC as promised, and she doesn't have good news; the second satellite scan for the missile came up empty. Palmer and the Veep are also on the room as DoDder delivers the news over speakerphone. Palmer repeats PMHC's question about the likelihood of more passes finding the missile. DoDder explains that the more data they have, the more likely they are to find it. But the problem with that is that a more detailed scan would take longer than they have before the missile goes off. At which time, scanning for it by satellite probably won't be necessary any more. Palmer asks DoDder to have the FBI hook up with local emergency channels. DoDder's on it. Palmer says, "I also want you to compile disaster scenarios for the urban centers within range of the missile." DoDder's like, dude, that's pretty much all of them. Palmer knows. "I want death rates, fallout patterns, emergency response predictions laid out for all of them." DoDder says she'll take care of it, but she's wondering (a) how she got roped into being the entire country's disaster management coordinator, and (b) why she's following orders from the guy her DaD's boss beat in the first place.
Speaking of orders, Bitchelle is up on the upper level giving some to Lispy Skip at 5:07:03. What it boils down to is that she tells him, "We proceed as if there is no hostage. There is only one operational objective and that is to capture this woman." Her businesslike demeanor has Skip looking mildly amazed. Or perhaps mildly horrified. Or possibly mildly impressed. Okay, mainly he just looks mild. But he says he understands. Bitchelle ducks into her office just as the cell phone on her desk is ringing. She left it in her office? That's unlike her. She answers it. It's Naked Mandy, who apparently knows which news sites include the phone numbers of the principal figures in all of the articles. It's not like Soul Patch would have told Mandy how to reach his ex-wife, right? Bitchelle asks who's calling. In answer, Mandy snaps a camera-phone picture of Soul Patch and sends it to Bitchelle's phone. "Now do you know who this is?" Mandy digs. Even as Bitchelle is reaching for her keyboard, Mandy tells her not to bother triangulating the call, what with it being scrambled and all. Bitchelle begs Mandy not to hurt her husband. Mandy says, "He's okay, but he won't be unless you do everything that I say, Bitchelle…I need your help getting out of here." Bitchelle stutteringly asks how. "You're hesitating," Mandy says flatly. Bitchelle insists she's not; she just wants to know what Mandy needs. Mandy says, "Your men are between me and my exit." She demands search patterns and the number of CTU personnel working the Naked Arms. Bitchelle tries to stall, but Mandy sees through it and gets Bitchelle to say there are "upwards of thirty," plus LAPD and reinforcements on the way. Mandy: "You'll need to remove your men. From the north. East. Driveway of the complex." She wants it done by the time she calls back, or she'll kill Soul Patch. "When are you calling back?" Bitchelle asks. "Soon," is all Mandy will say. "Get moving, Bitchelle." After hanging up, she tells Soul Patch, "Well, she still loves you." And with a companionable smack on his bare shoulder as she walks by him, she adds, "The question is, how much?" Probably enough to take that hand right off your arm for that, Missy. Lucky for Mandy she nabbed Soul Patch and not Castle, or indeed any of the dozens of other agents in the complex whose spouses don't run CTU.
Back in the BitchelleHole, Bitchelle breaks down. Okay, she just unzips her suit jacket, but that's practically a breakdown by her standards. After appearing to make a decision, she calls Lispy Skip on the video phone and snippily orders him to send the current deployment pattern sent to her screen. Lispy Skip complies. Bitchelle starts zoning out of the conversation, and she soon hangs up so she can be alone with her BETRAYAL! It's 5:10:12.
5:14:04. Bitchelle contemplates her BETRAYAL, Soul Patch savors that nasty-ass gag in his mouth, and Kiefer's still "searching" the Naked Arms by standing in one place and turning his head in all directions. Buchanan, on his cell phone, comes barging into Bitchelle's office, chattering over his cell phone at the Exposition Call Center in Bangalore. Bitchelle stands up nervously. Having finished his call, Buchanan asks Bitchelle what's up with the search for Mandy. "Nothing so far," she LIES. She's acting ostentatiously nonchalant, with a comically blank expression on her face and one hand leaning on her desk. She might as well be doing her nails. But Buchanan doesn't pick up on her vibe, and he starts to leave. "I can't do this," Bitchelle mutters to herself. Well, no, not if you're going to give yourself away like that. You're already much worse at this than your husband was, and that's saying something. Buchanan stops short. "Can't do what?" he asks. "Can't…sacrifice the lives of all those people if this warhead goes off. She called me." Bitchelle has Buchanan's attention now. "When? What did she say?" he asks urgently. Bitchelle says that it was a couple of minutes ago (LIES! MORE LIES!), and tells Buchanan about Mandy's instructions to clear an escape path, "or Soul Patch dies," she finishes tearfully. Buchanan goes right to her desk phone and dials, asking to be patched through to Kiefer.
5:15:56. Kiefer is still stalking pissily through the Naked Arms. Buchanan comes in over his earpiece with the news that Naked Mandy contacted Bitchelle to make a deal: Soul Patch for safe passage. Kiefer drops to an intense whisper to ask if Bitchelle is there. She is indeed, as she confirms over the speakerphone. Kiefer asks her if Naked Mandy gave any indication as to where she is. Bitchelle says that Naked Mandy's instructions were to clear a path via the northeast driveway, and Bitchelle doesn't know when Mandy will call back to confirm Bitchelle's compliance. Kiefer says he needs Bitchelle to pretend she's playing along to draw Naked Mandy into the open, and they'll "do everything we can for Soul Patch." Bitchelle agrees, doing a pretty good job of holding it together. Kiefer tells Buchanan he's going to have his men make like they're following Mandy's instructions. Once she's fifty yards out and can't get back in, Kiefer's guys will converge. Copy that? Copy that.
Buchanan asks Bitchelle if she's going to be all right, and she says yeah. "I was gonna do what she wanted," she confesses. "I didn't call you right away…" Buchanan takes her arm, but not in a creepy way. "It's okay," he says. "It's done." He leaves her alone in her office to contemplate her NEAR-BETRAYAL. I guess that doesn't really have the same ring.
Kiefer's already organizing the redeployment of his men at the Naked Arms. Curtis has arrived, asking for a task. Kiefer wants him to have the LAPD start arresting any residents who aren't cooperating with the search for Naked Mandy. Hey, it's not 24 if somebody's civil rights aren't being violated. Curtis suggests pulling some guys off the search to act on any clues Bitchelle gets from talking to Mandy, but Kiefer nixes that, saying they have to make things look like Bitchelle is cooperating. Curtis agrees. Kiefer tells Buchanan over the earpiece that they're ready to go, and Buchanan says Bitchelle is still waiting to hear back from Mandy. They both comment on the fact that Mandy is apparently unidentifiable via voice or fingerprint. "She's managed to stay completely under the radar." Kiefer says their only hope is that Mandy makes a mistake. They finish the call, and Kiefer tells his driveway guys to move into their hiding spots.
Mandy watches out the window as cop cars and CTUmobiles clear out of her path. Then she walks over to Soul Patch and, without a word, zaps him with a taser. She stands there motionlessly while he flops over on his back. She makes sure he's unconscious, then gets to work. The taser goes into a canvas case laid out on a table, and she flops her holster leg up onto the same table to remove the weapon strapped to her thigh. The silenced gun goes into the back of her waistband, and the holster goes in the case, which she zips up. She looks out the peephole, and then turns around and leans nervously against the door before executing her last bit of preparation: a lipstick touch-up. Her comic-book-geek fantasy sequence thus completed, out to the open-air hallway she goes.
It's 5:20:16 as she makes her way a few doors down and taps on the door of her incredibly early-rising neighbors. The redheaded female resident opens the door and pulls Mandy inside, saying, "There's some crazy person loose in the building." She already knows about Kiefer? She and a guy in the apartment appear to be getting ready for work, as if they live in the real L.A. with its two-hour commutes rather than the one this show takes place in. Mandy asks to see another guy who lives there, someone named "Joz." Redheaded tenant calls out to Joz. The guy, seeing that Mandy's acting weird, asks what's going on. "Nothing, just weird stuff," she answers. Guy doesn't seem to want to let it go. Fortunately, Joz appears, looking forward to a busy day of playing "fat guy" in commercials for products that want to cultivate an "extreme" or "edgy" image. He sleepily but pleasantly says to Mandy, "Hey, what's going on, Rothenberg?" "Hey, man," says Mandy, then pulls out her gun and shoots him dead, freaking both other tenants right the hell out. That'll teach them to have parties on weeknights. "Shh, not a sound," Mandy whispers to her surviving neighbors. Redheaded tenant gasps into her hand in terror. It's 5:21:07.
5:25:33. Mandy makes more preparations with her big case full of guns, Bitchelle waits for Mandy's call, and Soul Patch is still unconscious (wimp! Special Agent Breck would have been demanding a raise by now). In the White House Bunker, the Veep slumps out of the Undal Office to join Palmer and PMHC in the outer lobby. Apparently the Veep just got off the phone with the Chinese Foreign Secretary about the Consulate raid. "They're determined to pin this on us," complains the Veep. I don't think it's "pinning" if you actually did it, dude. The Veep continues, "If they manage to confirm that this is one of our men? I don't have to tell you what kind of a disaster that would be." He throws the surveillance photo of Agent Burn down on the coffee table in front of Palmer. Wow, the Chinese Foreign Secretary was so mad he jammed the picture through the phone? Yikes. Palmer rises and assures the Veep that the photo's not enough for the Chinese to start an international incident. "But if they find corroborating evidence?" the Veep wonders. Palmer says CTU is doing everything they can to make sure that doesn't happen, including getting Agent Burn out of town. The Veep says, "You never should have ordered that assault." Palmer says if they hadn't, "We'd be nowhere on stopping the missile." "And where are we?" the Veep snaps. "Is there some progress I don't know about?" Heh. Palmer says, "CTU is closing in on one of ImhoTerror's associates." Oh, good. Let's see, how many "associates" of ImhoTerror's has CTU "closed in on" today? By my count, going purely by memory, I'd say roughly eight hundred. But Palmer is hopeful that they can catch Mandy and use her to find ImhoTerror, because Palmer didn't show up until three quarters of the way into the season. The Veep is a bit more realistic, though: "Do you know how speculative that sounds?" the Veep panics. "My God, we're never gonna find it in time!" Palmer cuts him off, telling him not to say that. PMHC sits there looking unhappy that Mom and Dad are fighting again. Palmer insists, "We will stop it, but you must believe that if you're going to lead today." The Veep's not buying. "We are not sitting on our hands, Mr. President," says Palmer. "We are using every resource at our disposal to find this missile. We will prevent the warhead from going off." The Veep sadly wishes that he shared Palmer's confidence. Palmer says the Veep needs to do just that. "Remain presidential," he says. "Remain"? "Demand nothing less than success from your people and you will get it." The Veep nods, somewhat mollified. But he still wants to know what to tell the Chinese. Palmer says, "You don't. Let PMHC handle it. He'll tell them that unless they have proof of our involvement, we don't want to hear from them today." The Veep looks to PMHC, who nods his agreement. I think PMHC is the only person in the room who hasn't had a chance to blow off a Chinese diplomat today, so he's probably eager to get a piece of that action.
5:28:02. Buchanan gets a phone call from Agent Burn, so he goes off somewhere private to take the call on his cell phone. Agent Burn, standing near a parked helicopter somewhere, tells Buchanan that "I got a message to call you as soon as I landed in San Diego." Buchanan tells Burn that the Chinese still have a hair up their ass about the Consulate raid, and while they don't have any evidence beyond the surveillance photo of Burn, they have to make sure none turns up. As a black CTUmobile pulls around the corner and approaches Burn and the agents escorting him, Buchanan instructs Burn to start manufacturing an alibi proving that he was at CTU San Diego during the attack. Burn's escort steps forward to meet the CTUmobile, and he and the driver show each other their badges as Burn promises Buchanan that his alibi will be airtight. Burn asks about his family, in order to establish for the viewers that he has one, and Buchanan says they've been moved to a hotel for now. Burn's being led to the CTUmobile, and as he gets off the phone, the agent escorting him opens the back door to reveal that the CTUmobile already has a passenger: Consulate Cop. Hey, that's not a CTUmobile at all! At least not any more. Agent Burn is bundled, struggling, into the DeeplyPissedOffChineseGuyMobile, and another man in the seat behind him wraps his arm around Burn's face and holds a gun to his head. "Drive!" snaps Consulate Cop, and the vehicle tears off, revealing a couple of CTU agents in the alley who are bound, gagged, and unconscious. And also probably fired.
"What the hell is this?" Agent Burn demands of Consulate Cop. Consulate Cop says Burn already knows -- as do we -- but that doesn't stop him from telling everyone again anyway: "CTU sent a team into our Consulate just a few hours ago. You were in the team and our Consul General was killed. You are going to tell me who was responsible." Burn plays dumb, but not as well as you might expect him to. Consulate Cop asks. "Then why were you being transported here by helicopter from CTU Los Angeles?" "You don't know where I came from," Burn says. But actually, Consulate Cop does, since they've been watching CTU on satellite, and they saw a helicopter leaving the place while Consulate Cop was inside. Burn maintains it wasn't him. Consulate Cop is like, yuh-huh, and says that the Chinese government wants someone to take responsibility for the raid. "What does that mean, take responsibility?" Burn asks, like, smooth, guy. Way to maintain your ignorance there. Consulate Cop says he thinks Burn was just following orders, and if he tells Consulate Cop gave him those orders, they'll let him go. "I'm not telling you anything," Burn says defiantly, again sort of undercutting his whole "I know nothing" routine. Consulate Cop speaks Chinese to the driver for a few seconds, and then returns his attention to Burn. "I believe you're going to change your mind," he says ominously.
It's 5:30:46 as we get an arty, ground-level shot of rain beginning to fall into the Naked Arms pool. At CTU, Bitchelle's phone rings. Mandy asks her, "Have you redeployed all your men?" Bitchelle has. She's out on the floor now, but everyone is being vewy quiet so as not to give away the game. Kiefer and Curtis have set up a surveillance center in the complex's workout room, with cameras pointing out through the window. Mandy makes some more threatening noises about killing Soul Patch if she finds out Bitchelle played her. Bitchelle worriedly says she understands, and the call's over. Buchanan calls out the order for the analysts to start working up the call. Lispy Skip is the one unlucky enough to have had Bitchelle standing to him during the conversation, and she turns on him with a stream of angry technobabble. He's trying to stop her freaking out on him as Potato Face swoops in to back him up. I mean she backs him up with the computer stuff, not with Bitchelle, because if you need Potato Face to get your back on an interpersonal issue, the guys from the mental hospital are probably wondering how you got out in the first place. "I will not let this thing fall apart because of technical incompetence," Bitchelle bitches. Potato Face makes a scared face at her, clearly unaccustomed to not being the most insufferable person in the room even for a minute.
At the Naked Arms, Curtis confirms that all of their guys along Mandy's exit route have been pulled out of sight. Kiefer looks through a telescope, and all he sees is falling rain. An agent at another window calls Kiefer over, and together they peer through their respective magnification devices as two figures sharing a single umbrella make their way through the foul weather between buildings. A live video feed of their walk gets projected onto the CTU big screen. While that's happening, Mandy calls Bitchelle again. "We're on our way." And there are some more threats, of course. Kiefer observes, "[Mandy]'s running a huge risk, exposing herself like that." Of course she's exposing herself. What else do you expect from someone called Naked Mandy? Everyone watches as the two shadowy forms walk across the street to a parked Jaguar. Curtis tells everyone to sit tight. Bitchelle still has her phone to her ear as Mandy says, "Okay, here's the deal. As soon as we're in the car and I've cleared the area, I'm going to call you and I'm going to tell you where you can find Soul Patch." The two people reach the car, toss the umbrella aside, and get in. The woman is clearly holding a gun, but not wearing a miniskirt like Mandy has been all along. Don't we all wonder what that's about. Now that they're in the car with the doors shut, Buchanan gives the order to move in. Kiefer tries to countermand, but CTU guys are already in the open. Bitchelle hears Mandy flatly say, "I see your men, Bitchelle. You lied to me, you bitch. You are not gonna take me. Alive. Got it?" And before Bitchelle can answer, the car blows right the fuck up.
"No!" Bitchelle screams, lunging towards the CTU big screen. Buchanan puts a restraining hand on her shoulder. The explosion lights up Kiefer's viewing post as he and Curtis turn and run out of there. Lispy Skip and Potato Face exchange a horrified glance across the CTU floor. Kiefer and Curtis run towards the car, just as the fire reaches the gas tank and the car blows up again. "Bill, they're gone," Kiefer yells. "She blew herself up in the car. She took Soul Patch with her. They're gone." Sure they are. I'm sure that scene with Kiefer, Soul Patch, and Mandy that they've been flogging in the promos all week was supposed to have happened earlier in the episode, and they just deleted it before airtime or something. Whatever. It's 5:34:22, and now we have the whole commercial break to try and figure out how they failed to get killed.
5:38:45. Palmer ponders the Presidential Seal, Bitchelle has already entered the numb phase, and Kiefer stands in the rain watching Mandy's car burn. With all the vehicles this show has destroyed this season, they're probably selling more car insurance than Dennis Haysbert is. You know how he pops up during the commercials and tries to scare you into buying insurance by showing you chop shops and busy intersections and a pile of window glass where a car used to be? Meanwhile, the actual show demonstrates the effects of RPGs, car bombs, and deliberate head-on collisions. It's like 24 is trying to suggest a new slogan for one of the show's regular sponsors: "Allstate. Because shit gets blowed up."
The Veep joins Palmer and PMHC in the Undal Office, saying he's there for a conference call that Buchanan requested. PMHC hits the button that puts Buchanan on speaker. Buchanan announces that Mandy "has killed herself and one of our agents." Palmer and the Veep react in synchronized dismay and ask what's . Buchanan says, "Mr. President, at this point, CTU no longer has any reasonable expectation of finding the missile before it reaches its target." Ooh, downer. Nice how after all of these screw-ups, the only person who's actually been blamed for one is the acting President of the United States. Talk about the buck stopping here. "What do we do?" the Veep asks of the room in general. Palmer says all they can do is focus on managing the aftermath. The Veep reminds everyone that they don't even know what the target is. Palmer knows that, but they can assume that it's a major city. Knowing ImhoTerror and the way he plans things, though, I think that's a dangerous assumption. For all they know, the missile could be headed for a pasture somewhere, designed to cause a cattle stampede that will block freeways and cause nationwide traffic jams and force Americans to burn more gas, resulting in the country's tapping into the strategic oil reserves, which one of ImhoTerror's undercover agents will set fire to, which will in turn draw a veil of black smoke over the country, causing crops to fail, and on and on, ad nauseam. But Palmer is probably correct when he says that wherever it hits, there will be nationwide panic. He says they need to "mobilize the Army and the National Guard in every state and draw up a declaration of martial law." Draw one up? I can't believe they don't have one of those lying around already, especially after DaD supposedly spent about eight hours meeting with some Army general about that very thing. The Veep agrees with Palmer's plan. PMHC appears to be the only one who remembers that Buchanan is still hanging on the other end of the line, and tells him to have all agencies prepare for the aftermath. "CTU's priority should be disaster management," he says. "Redeploy your people now." Buchanan acknowledges and hangs up at 5:40:22.
Buchanan's call is to…Lispy Skip, because Skip is all the way down on the floor and Buchanan is up on the second level. Buchanan tells Skip to tell Kiefer that the field op is over and he needs to get his people back to CTU.
In the Undal Office, it's all about the Veep: "The worst disaster in this country's history is taking place on my watch," he bitches. Yeah, that really hurt Dubya, didn't it? He turns on Palmer. "I gave you the responsibility to stop this," he literally finger-points. "You failed me, David. And you failed the country." Be sure and include that "not my fault" bit in your address to the media. The public'll eat that up. Palmer's too taken aback to respond as the Veep stomps out of the Undal Office and tries to slam the door behind him, which doesn't work because of the hydraulic door-closer. Heh. Palmer stands there and marinates in his failure. I can't believe I had to wait this long for someone to tell Palmer what a loser he is, and then it came from an even bigger loser than Palmer.
Speaking of marinating, Bitchelle is sitting on the couch in her office, staring blankly into space. Buchanan comes in and sits beside her, trying to look sad about the fact that she's single again. He says she's probably second-guessing her decision to risk Soul Patch's life. She doesn't say that she's actually blaming Buchanan for giving the agents the order to move too early and thus tipping off Mandy. He tries to assure her that she did the right thing in not placing Soul Patch's life above those of potentially millions of people. "You made exactly the decision Soul Patch would have wanted you to make. That's our job. It's why we signed on." Which reminds Bitchelle that she and Soul Patch were going to leave the job anyway. She wants to get back to work on finding the missile, but Buchanan wants her to go home. "That's not advice. That's an order." He leaves her alone, so she can get all of her stuff out of that sweet-ass office and he can take it over. It's only had three occupants this season, after all, which we all know is a little on the low side. On the way out, Buchanan's cell phone rings. It's Lispy Skip, who's just as lazy as Buchanan, telling him that Kiefer's not ready to pull his men yet. Buchanan tells Skip to transfer Kiefer to the video phone in the conference room.
It's 5:42:52 as firemen hose down the burning Jag. Kiefer's sitting in the back of a nearby parked car, watching the video playback of the explosion and snapping at Curtis, who's sitting beside him and saying they need to get going. Then Kiefer swears at Curtis. Dude, if you want to make out, just say so. "Kiefer, Soul Patch is gone," Curtis says quietly. Kiefer apologizes, but he wants to see the video again anyway. Curtis rewinds it. But they're interrupted by the videophone call from Buchanan, wanting to know why Kiefer hasn't redeployed. Kiefer says Mandy's behavior doesn't make sense. What doesn't make sense to me is that the back seat of this car is made even more crowded by the presence of a big old videophone camera/screen setup that's there for no purpose. I don't see any reason why this call had to be conducted by videophone, except that Buchanan's video screen shows Kiefer's face in front of the fiery background provided by the flaming car-becue, so it looks like Kiefer's in Hell. Satanic glower and all. ["And for the record, they need to give him a more flattering haircut year. He's looked like a wet hen for two seasons and I'm over it." -- Sars] Buchanan agrees with Kiefer in theory, "but you saw what I saw." Kiefer says all he saw was "two darkened figures in the rain concealed by an umbrella and an explosion. And I saw that from half a block away." Buchanan tells Kiefer to focus. "Nobody here is holding you responsible for Soul Patch's death…We reviewed the tactical feed. There's nothing to suggest we were deceived." He says he knows Soul Patch was Kiefer's friend, and the Kiefer probably feels responsible for getting him involved in today's events. I love how Buchanan keeps subtly trying to shift the blame onto other people by saying they're blameless. It's certainly working, since nobody else has brought up the fact that Buchanan was the one who tipped their hand with his shitty timing. This is probably how he got to be Division boss in the first place. Kiefer interrupts, "This is not about Soul Patch. This is about her. And until I can absolutely confirm that she is dead, I am maintaining this perimeter and I'm gonna continue this search." Buchanan says Kiefer has ten minutes, and then he hangs up.
Kiefer makes Curtis play the video again, but this time he listens to the audio more closely using a headset. Mandy's voice comes through loud and clear, and the Jag goes up again. Get your mileage out of that footage, guys. Blowing up a car is expensive, after all. Kiefer wants to see the last fifteen seconds again. He grins as he realizes that even though it's pouring on the roof of the car, he can't hear the rain on Mandy's side of the call. I also notice the more obvious fact that the explosion is clearly audible on the call, even though the phone would have been destroyed in the conflagration. But then, I don't have Kiefer's subtle investigative mind. Curtis catches up: "She's making the call from somewhere else…indoors," he Watsons. Kiefer says that means Mandy would want a clean line of sight to the car, which narrows it down to one building. Curtis gives the order for all teams to move in on that building, and armored agents start up the front stairs at 5:45:32.
Inside the apartment, Mandy walks away from the window that now seems to have sunlight streaming through it, and tells a once-again-conscious and kneeling (and, furthermore, now-pantsless-and-not-merely-shirtless) Soul Patch, "Well, they're heading back in. Looks like my neighbors died for nothing." Yeah, stupid neighbors. Die right time. She removes his gag so he can say, "They know you're still in here." Thanks for keeping up, Soul Patch. She drops the handcuff key into his palm, which is still cuffed behind his back. Good thing she thought to take Castle's handcuff key off of his body. Oh, wait, she didn't. But Soul Patch has it now anyway, so she tells him to uncuff himself while she watches from across the room, gun at the ready. She tosses him a pair of track pants and an ugly plaid shirt, telling him to get dressed while she watches and Tivos across the country pause in unison. Once he's decent, she tells him to re-cuff himself. He does. She's looking pretty sad right now. I don't know why; at least all the trouble she went to to rig her Jaguar to explode "just in case" didn't go to waste. Maybe she just liked Soul Patch better with no pants. "Let's go," she says, and forces him at gunpoint to the door. While she's occupied with opening it, he steps on a fragment of a broken light bulb and grinds his bare foot down on it, grimacing somewhat. They head out to the open-air hallway, Soul Patch leaving bloody footprints behind him without her knowledge. Good thing they're sheltered from the rain. It's 5:47:07.
5:51:32. Kiefer bides his time, Buchanan waits for his fractious underling to obey orders for once, and Palmer sits thinking about his failure. FAILURE! Curtis joins Kiefer to tell him the search is underway again. But that quickly becomes moot when another agent calls in to report that they found fresh blood outside Apartment 208. "Stand down until we get there," Kiefer says, and he and Curtis take off running. They burst into 208, which is empty except for ladders, rolls of carpet, and a bloody light bulb chunk. Kiefer spots the first red smear outside in the hallway, and quickly leads Curtis off in that direction.
Soul Patch must have slashed his foot up something fierce, because he's still leaving sticky footprints on the stairs to the underground parking garage. Mandy forces him between two parked cars, and that's when he makes his move. He twists and ducks under the gun, then head-butts her into a pillar and kicks the gun out of her hand. But his hands are still cuffed behind his back, and despite outweighing her, there's only so much damage he can do by swinging his shoulders at her. She kicks him away and recovers her gun. Which, when he turns back around, is in his face again. Nice try, Soul Patch. She makes him turn around, and they're moving again. But now with a lot more sweating and panting, to the disappointment of no one.
Within seconds Kiefer appears behind them, gun out, hollering, "Don't move!" Mandy pivots so that she's behind Soul Patch, standing to a parked SUV. Kiefer approaches, saying it's over. "Take one more step and I'll kill him," Mandy threatens. Soul Patch tells Kiefer to do what he has to do. "Do you really have what it takes to let me kill him while you're looking him in the eye?" Mandy asks Kiefer, just like in that spoilery promo. Soul Patch and Kiefer make lingering eye contact. Sadly, Kiefer doesn't have the kind of telepathic communication he did with Grayadder, as demonstrated when the latter jerked his head aside to give Kiefer a clean shot. Of course, if Soul Patch tried that, it would give Kiefer a clean shot at a spot several inches above the top of Mandy's head, so it probably wouldn't help anyway. Kiefer says to Mandy, "Yes." Mandy processes that. "I believe you," she says. "So what's to stop me from shooting him?" Kiefer doesn't answer, which makes Mandy realize that Kiefer needs her alive. Curtis is now quietly approaching her from behind as she savors her advantage. I don't know how Mandy misses Kiefer's eyes cutting to the side, but she does, and the only warning anyone gets is when Kiefer says Soul Patch's name and the hostage dives to the ground. Curtis jumps out from behind the SUV Mandy's standing to, pushes her gun arm up, and cold-cocks her dead in the face. She drops like a sack of sexy potatoes. I wish I could get more enjoyment out of the sight of a large man socking a tiny woman in the mush. Oh, wait. No, I don't.
Kiefer reports that Mandy's down, and calls for a medic to wake her up ASAP. He pulls Soul Patch to his feet and uncuffs him, asking if he's all right. Soul Patch's first question is whether Bitchelle knows he's alive. Kiefer says not yet, but he'll call CTU so Soul Patch can talk to her in private. His contact point is Buchanan, who's still in the conference room, asking if Kiefer's on his way back yet. "Oh, are my ten minutes up?" Kiefer says. "Fine, I'll just release Mandy and blow up Soul Patch for real and we'll be right there." Kiefer would be a lot more menacing if he were capable of sarcasm, don't you think? But he's not, so what he actually says is, "No, we just apprehended the hostile. She's unconscious but she's okay. Soul Patch is unharmed too." "My God," Buchanan breathes in shock, in such a way as to make us momentarily think he's evil. Buchanan says he'll tell the White House, but first Kiefer asks if Soul Patch can talk to Bitchelle. Buchanan says he sent Bitchelle home, but he'll find her and patch her through.
It's 5:54:53 in the CTU parking lot. Bitchelle is sitting behind the wheel of her Mercedes SUV, her hair slightly disarrayed and her emotional state considerably more so. Her cell phone rings. She takes her time answering it, but you know she does. It's Buchanan, and the first thing he says is that Soul Patch is alive. Bitchelle is confused. Buchanan says he'll let Soul Patch explain, and transfers the call. They have their joyous, emotional reunion over the phone, and I think you can probably figure out the mushy parts. Soul Patch says that Mandy put someone else in his clothes because she had to keep him alive until she got out. "Kiefer figured it out and he was able to save me." ["I'd just like to thank Carlos Bernard for his utterly flat rendering of that line. The constant, blatant Kiefer/Jack fluffing this season is really gross; cheers to Bernard for reading with the insincere apologizing-to-your-sibling-because-you've-been-ordered-to-by-Mom tone it deserves." -- Sars] He's on his way back to CTU and he'll see her in a few minutes. They exchange "I love you"s and hang up.
Its 5:56:16 as Kiefer tells Curtis to get Palmer on the line to make a deal. Mandy is regaining consciousness. That was a pretty short nap, but it's still enough to make Kiefer insanely jealous; as the agents hovering over her pull her to her feet, Kiefer marches up to her, grabs her by the throat, and pushes her back against the nearest parked car. "Where is ImhoTerror?" he demands. She doesn't speak. "That's what I thought," Kiefer says. He tries to establish a rapport: "We're both professionals. You know that I can force this information out of you, but I'm running out of time. We don't get second chances in our line of work, but I'm going to give you one." He offers her a deal signed by the POTUS, giving her full immunity from past and present crimes. In exchange, she has to help him find ImhoTerror and the missile. She doesn't answer. He repeats the question. She doesn't answer again. Jeez, dude, she's only been awake for like twenty seconds. I can barely remember I wear glasses when I've been awake for twenty seconds. He puts his gun in her face and says, "You are either gonna help me now, or I will kill you." Whoops, there went the rapport. I think he's overplaying his hand, but she finally grits out, "Show me the deal."
Poor Agent Burn is sitting strapped to a chair in a darkened warehouse somewhere. A bright light is shining on him, his wrists are tied together with rope, angry people are speaking Chinese in the shadows, and his hair's a mess. A Chinese henchman holds out the photo of Burn from the security camera in the Consulate. I wish Burn would say, "What, do all of us Caucasians look alike to you or something?" But he doesn't. The Consulate Cop repeats his accusations, and demands to know who led the mission. Agent Burn is still not cooperating. Consulate Cop says all Burn has to do is make a statement and he'll be released. Burn says they'll have to release him anyway once CTU realizes what's happened. Consulate Cop sets Burn straight on that: "No one will ever know. No one will ever tell them." Not even the unconscious agents he jacked the CTUmobile from? Burn asks what Consulate Cop is talking about. Consulate Cop has a whole plan figured out for Burn: A Chinese container ship is moored at the port, and if Burn doesn't cooperate, he'll be put on board this slow boat to China, then transported to a maximum security labor camp on the border with Siberia. "You wouldn't do that," says Burn nervously. Consulate Cop insists, "We want justice." And if Burn won't say who is responsible for the Consul's death, "that leaves you." Consulate Cop goes on to say that Burn's family won't be notified, and neither will the U.S. government. Which means no chance for prisoner exchange or escape. "For the rest of your life," Consulate Cop finishes. Okay, yeah, that would suck. I don't know that I would take the fall for this if it meant getting permanently disappeared by a foreign government without my wife and son ever knowing what happened to me. Which is why I quit Black Ops in the first place. Burn gets himself a little splitscreen window to ponder that for a second, while other windows show Soul Patch and Bitchelle looking soulful, Mandy looking busted, and Curtis looking nervous.
Consulate Cop says, "Decide, Mr. Burn. The China Queen is on a tight schedule." Burn is shaking his head, but he's obviously wavering. All Consulate Cop wants is a name and a recorded statement. "Then what happens?" says Burn. "You will walk right out of that door," says Consulate Cop. "I meant to him," Burn says, as if it matters at this point. "As I said," Consulate Cop repeats, "all we want is justice." Burn says, "His name…" I hope for a moment that he's going to name ImhoTerror. But instead we get a tight close-up on his lips saying, "…is Jack Bauer." Whoa, Kiefer was in on that? Holy crap! It's 6:00:00. Interesting how the Chinese are better at getting information without torture than we are with it, hmm?
on 24: What, no previews for the episode? We'll just have to wait and see the whole thing, I guess. Although, I dunno, I was kind of thinking about skipping it.