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ImhoTerror's got a problem: the family of the dead Air Force pilot from last week has already been reported missing, and he's got to make sure his airman-impersonator is aloft before CTU catches on to the connection. So he distracts CTU by offering a prisoner exchange: Kiefer for TerrorTeen. CTU's busy setting it up while simultaneously trying to figure out why ImhoTerror wants to make the swap in the first place. And of course Lispy Skip and Potato Face's petty little turf battles don't help. DoDder tries to hold it together while both of her men are in jeopardy, and Potato Face is, as always, inappropriately blunt. TerrorTeen guilt-trips Curtis, but it doesn't do him much good aside from making Curtis feel bad. In the end, both sides get something they want: CTU gets Kiefer back safely, and ImhoTerror's pilot is taxiing towards the runway unimpeded. But ImhoTerror doesn't know that Kiefer messed with the phone lines at his hideout in order to help CTU find it. Oh, and TerrorMom? Really and truly most sincerely dead. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
You know how Fox's promo department spent the whole week trying to convince you that Kiefer was going to die this week? I hope it won't ruin the suspense for you too much if I tell you straight off: not so much.
Previously on 24: Grayadder took a bullet for Kiefer, who said to DoDder, "It happened so fast, he was hit before I could do anything." Except he didn't say that last week. These previouslies lie! DoDder was afraid for her husband's life, and Kiefer felt just awful about it. He convinced TerrorMom to join him undercover to approach TerrorProf. ImhoTerror saw through the clever ruse and ended up taking Kiefer prisoner. "You've caused me a lot of trouble, Mr. Bauer," ImhoTerror said, except he didn't address Kiefer by name last week. Don't trust these previouslies, people. TerrorMom failed the oldest loyalty test in the book when she tried to shoot ImhoTerror instead of Kiefer with an empty gun, and she took a couple of slugs for her trouble while Kiefer was hauled away. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, working for ImhoTerror, kidnapped, murdered, and impersonated an Air Force pilot and walked into a hangar containing an actual fighter plane. The following takes place between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM.
At CTU, the search for Kiefer is still in full swing. Potato Face notifies Bitchelle that the white van from last week has already turned up abandoned. That was quick. What did the terrorists do, park it at the police station and set fire to it? Furthermore, TerrorMom's body is inside it. I guess that answers that question. Man, what a pisser that the arc of one of this season's most interesting characters ended so unceremoniously. What makes it even more disappointing is all the interviews that Shohreh Aghdashloo did, saying that she broke her own moratorium on playing terrorists because she knew how things ended for the character, and all that stuff about how "things aren't always what they seem." Yeah, TerrorMom seemed smart until her last minute alive. Bitchelle, like me, rolls her eyes. Then she barks out a couple of orders before making an announcement to the floor at large: Kiefer's missing, presumed held by ImhoTerror, who's almost certainly planning another attack, and therefore everyone needs to work together to find "him." Coordinate with Lispy Skip. I don't know why they just don't run the previouslies on the CTU big screen at the top of every hour. Oh, wait, yes I do. Because they LIE.
In the back of a black van traveling down the road, Kiefer regains consciousness. Don't know when he lost it. Maybe he decided to grab a catnap during the ten minutes of previouslies. In any case, if he's been out of it, it might explain what he says to TerrorTeen later on. ImhoTerror's cell phone rings. Before answering it, he glances back at Kiefer, who quickly plays possum.
The call is from Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, who's got bad news: his plane has been grounded due to technical difficulties. ImhoTerror isn't trying to hear that: "Resolve this now…your window of opportunity on the target closes in an hour." Poor Man's Eric Stoltz grimly says he understands, hangs up, and approaches the one mechanic in the entire hangar, and indeed the entire Air Force, as far as we'll see this hour. The mechanic explains he's been sent down from Hawkins FAFB (Fictional Air Force Base) to work on the plane, which is why he doesn't not recognize Poor Man's Eric Stoltz, if you follow. The mechanic says that the trouble sensor is indicating a hairline fracture in one of the plane's strut pins, and there won't be a replacement until morning. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz acts mildly put out, like he can't believe some dinky little strut pin is keeping him on the ground, until the mechanic explains that if the strut pin fails, the back end of the plane will go all Lost on him when he tries to land. The only safe way out of the aircraft would be to eject and hope the plane doesn't hit anyone on the ground. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz nods as though he surely wouldn't want that to happen. The mechanic says he's about to make his report to the Chief Mechanical Officer and "head up to Ventura for a little R&R." "Don't let me hold you up," says Poor Man's Eric Stoltz. Which is an interesting choice of words, because as soon as the mechanic turns his back, Poor Man's Eric Stoltz puts a bullet into it. Lucky for PMES that he and the mechanic had the entire hangar all to themselves, isn't it?
9:05:22. At CTU, Soul Patch is handed a report, the contents of which he relays to Bitchelle: TerrorMom has been dead less than thirty minutes, according to the coroner's report. The fastest autopsy in history aside, I'd just like to say, "duh." You were still listening in on her conversations less than thirty minutes ago. So they can assume that that period is when ImhoTerror grabbed Kiefer. Again, duh. Also, the search radius is 1500 square miles, but that's increasing by the minute. As it does. Bitchelle asks about chatter; Soul Patch says it's actually dying down, which could either mean the end of attacks for the day, or, as Bitchelle says, "The calm before the storm." All they know is that if Kiefer's alive, he'll figure out a way to contact them. Well, sure, but only if there's a nearby army to fight with. Soul Patch goes back to work. Bitchelle looks at him speculatively, then renews the conversation: "I heard Kiefer called you today," she says. Soul Patch admits it. "And that you saved his life," Bitchelle presses. "Well, we both know I owed him one, right?" Bitchelle gives him a tight smile. They do not have sex. Yet.
Soul Patch spots DoDder approaching them from across the floor, and suggests they tell her what's going on with Kiefer. "Why?" Bitchelle asks. "They're involved," Soul Patch says. Bitchelle, pearl-clutchingly: "She's married." Soul Patch, blandly: "Separated." I've got a feeling that distinction is going to be important in a later discussion between these two, albeit in a different context. Bitchelle doesn't want to tell DoDder in case they have to leave Kiefer twisting in the breeze. Soul Patch disagrees. "She's a professional. She knows that's a possibility." Heh. Good one. He's talking about the person who asked him just over an hour ago what happens to the loser in a firefight. "But hey, you're the boss," says Soul Patch. "It's your call." They might still be together if he'd said that more often.
DoDder reaches them and asks if they've heard from Kiefer. Which is odd, because last hour she didn't know he was even leaving. Soul Patch looks expectantly at Bitchelle, letting her decide how to field the question. She rips off the Band-Aid: "Kiefer's missing…we think he was taken by ImhoTerror." DoDder says, "What are we doing to get him back?" "Everything we can," Bitchelle promises. "How did this happen?" DoDder asks. Uh-oh, she's mad again. That's what that question means, you know. Bitchelle explains that no one is fully protected in the field. "Who was in charge of this operation?" DoDder demands, so she can know off of whom she needs to go rip a strip. "I was," Bitchelle says levelly. DoDder looks at her like, "Oooooh, maybe not." She just says, "Get him back, Bitchelle," and walks away rather than throwing down. Sure, she's pissed and freaked out and terrified, but she's not suicidal.
9:07:44. I am totally moving to L.A., because the abundance of abandoned real estate in that supposedly inflated market is a potential gold mine. The downside is that vacant buildings appear to breed terrorists the way stagnant water breeds mosquitoes. CTU Detroit must really have its hands full. In this scene, we find ourselves in yet another old warehouse, this one apparently serving as ImhoTerror's current hideout. Kiefer is dragged in, forced to an awkward kneeling position, and held down as his handcuffs are looped over a chain running along the wall at waist height. ImhoTerror wants to talk. "Don't waste your time," Kiefer says. There you go, Kiefer. Encourage the pissed-off terrorist with unlimited resources to get back to whatever he was doing before you showed up. In any case, it doesn't work. ImhoTerror wants to know if TerrorProf -- who, as he informs Kiefer, "has since martyred himself" -- was CTU's only link to ImhoTerror. All Kiefer will say is that whatever ImhoTerror has planned is going to fail, "just like everything else you've tried today." ImhoTerror takes exception to that, pointing out the train bombing and the meltdown of one nuclear plant. "That wasn't really your plan, was it?" Kiefer sneers, reminding everyone of the 103 power plants that didn't melt down. "That's what America will remember. That we stopped you." ImhoTerror says that America will remember DaD being held hostage, and claims that "this country will be forever afraid to let their leaders appear in public." Bwah! Kiefer can barely suppress his own mirth: "Whatever you throw at us, I promise you: that'll never happen." What he doesn't say is that in his two careers, as a death-cheating field agent and as a D.C. policy wonk, he's learned where the most dangerous place on Earth is: between a politician and a TV camera. ImhoTerror leaves the room.
In the adjoining hallway, he's approached by an IT minion. I can tell he's in IT because he's wearing suspenders. He says they have a problem: remember how they killed Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's whole fam damily? Well, even though they disposed of the bodies, a relative showed up at the house and called the cops, who are already looking into it. And of course, since PMPMES was a military pilot, the report will get flagged to other agencies and reach CTU "within the hour." "We have to make sure CTU is too busy to realize its significance," ImhoTerror declares. "How?" asks the IT minion. Instead of answering, ImhoTerror goes back to Kiefer to ask about TerrorTeen. Kiefer decides there's no harm in telling ImhoTerror that TerrorTeen is safely in CTU custody. ImhoTerror leaves him alone again. Kiefer notices some kind of wire junction box right near where he's chained, and tries to edge himself over in that direction.
Potato Face is having trouble doing something on her computer, so she calls Lispy Skip to ask for the password to the central server. He offers to sign her on. She declines, insisting on the password. He refuses. It quickly devolves into an argument over who outranks whom. We all have so much time for this shit right now. Girls, girls, please. You're both pretty. Well, except for both of you. Potato Face hangs up and stomps over to Curtis to get him to tell Lispy Skip that she's the boss of him. Curtis calmly tells her that since Lispy Skip took over, she's working for him. She threatens to walk, until he says she'll get a 35% increase in pay plus bonus. Damn, that's a big raise. Potato Face obviously thinks so too, but she rallies quickly: "I should be getting that anyway," she bitches. "Skip works for me." Curtis ends the discussion: "Not today." Potato Face folds and asks Curtis for the central server password, which he rattles off. It's CIS15A, in case you ever want to hack into CTU or anything.
Skip calls Curtis over, telling him that ImhoTerror's on the phone and wants to talk to the boss. Looks like the bad guy took Kiefer's advice. Curtis technobabbles at Skip about recorders and tracers, then calls Bitchelle over. She puts in her little hands-free earpiece and takes the call. ImhoTerror gets right down to business: He's got Kiefer in custody, and he wants to trade him for TerrorTeen. They have ten minutes to get clearance, and then ImhoTerror will call back with details. He hangs up, too soon for Skip to have gotten a trace. He was on the line with Bitchelle for 25 seconds, and on hold with Skip twenty seconds before that. Which is fine, because they apparently needed ninety seconds to trace a call from Saunders last season. I'm sure the show has people on staff researching this continuity stuff, aren't you? Bitchelle orders ImhoTerror's voiceprint identity from the recording confirmed, and TerrorTeen "processed" in case they need to move him. "Why is TerrorTeen worth trading for Kiefer?" Curtis wonders. Bitchelle admits she doesn't know, but she wants to meet the tactical teams in the Situation Room anyway.
Back at the ImHideout, Kiefer has managed to just get himself into position to reach his handcuffed mitts into the junction box and fiddle around in there. Way to leave him alone, you guys. Didn't you learn anything when DaD and DoDder tried to fill the TerrorDome with gas this morning? Oh, wait, all those guys are dead now. Never mind. It's 9:13:38.
9:18:05. Kiefer is still working on his DIY wiring project, ImhoTerror's just getting off the phone again, TerrorTeen's "processing" seems to involve showing him on a video monitor, and CTU folks are positioned around a conference table. At the ImHideout, ImhoTerror asks his IT minion whether the LAPD has sent the news of PMPMES's family to CTU yet. The IT minion, who's pretty well set up with a whole multilevel computer system -- essentially, for the purposes of this episode, the most sophisticated police scanner ever devised -- says that the report has been flagged and will be sent to CTU within the 15 minutes. ImhoTerror almost looks worried: "If they get hold of that report even a minute too soon, they'll be able to stop us." ImhoTerror wants to know the second CTU catches its snap.
He's right to be nervous, because CTU is doing what it does best: having a meeting. Bitchelle is still wondering why ImhoTerror wants to trade Kiefer for TerrorTeen. Soul Patch has two theories: one, there's a personal connection, and two, TerrorTeen has info that can "damage" ImhoTerror. Both wrong! But Bitchelle agrees anyway. She wants Lispy Skip to dig into TerrorTeen's history. She also asks Curtis to "push harder" with TerrorTeen, and to hurry, since she figures ImhoTerror is going to want to make the swap within the hour. She also instructs Soul Patch to watch Curtis from the observation room. The two men leave the room together at 9:19:20 as Potato Face confirms to Bitchelle that ImhoTerror's voice print confirmed his identity. Which she learned by comparing a "voice memo" from MacGuffin Factories. Too bad the EMP wiped out everything at MF HQ, huh?
On their way to the interrogation room, Soul Patch and Curtis debate how best to get information from TerrorTeen. Curtis thinks threatening the immunity deal (again) will work, but Soul Patch wants to use "physical pressure." Curtis the Conscience scowls uncomfortably, but agrees to call Eric the Torture Guy. That's when DoDder, hair down now, rolls up for a new update. Soul Patch sends Curtis on ahead, then obliges her by saying they now know that Kiefer's being held by ImhoTerror. DoDder gets snippy about not being told this before, but Soul Patch says, "Things are moving pretty fast." Unlike DoDder, he doesn't add. He explains ImhoTerror's trade proposal. "When's that going to happen?" DoDder demands. Soul Patch says that it might not, since TerrorTeen might turn out to have some value after all. Soul Patch says there's a lot to go over before a decision is made and he'll keep her posted, but right now he's got a date with Curtis, TerrorTeen, and Eric the Torture Guy.
At 9:20:36, people are getting ready in the observation room. This includes a nice shot of CTU's buffet of interrogation drugs. Soul Patch reminds Curtis that TerrorTeen doesn't know about TerrorMom's death, and Curtis steps inside with the kid. TerrorTeen asks what's going on, and about his mom. Curtis lies that she's fine, so he relaxes. Until Curtis grabs him up out of his chair and throws him against the wall. Ah, remodeling again. "Why are you doing this?" TerrorTeen whines. Well, kid, you're a terrorist, and you're in the Counter Terrorism Unit. Just be glad there's not a counter in there or your unit would be sitting on it. I'm sorry, that joke barely even makes sense to me. Curtis drops TerrorTeen back into his chair and grills him for what he knows about ImhoTerror. All the kid knows is that ImhoTerror is "the leader." Curtis turns and looks at the one-way glass. In the observation room, Soul Patch says. "Go ahead," to Eric the Torture Guy, who goes charging into the interrogation room with a syringe in his fist. "Sorry…we just don't have a lot of time," Curtis apologizes to a screaming TerrorTeen. Soul Patch watches dispassionately.
ImhoTerror calls CTU back. Lispy Skip announces the call, and as Bitchelle screws in her earpiece she hollers to the floor, "Everyone on this." People pick up phones all over the floor. ImhoTerror's first words to her are, "Union Conduit Dam. Thirty minutes." Bitchelle wants to know that Kiefer's still alive. ImhoTerror carries the phone over to Kiefer and holds it up to his face. "I'm being held in an abandoned warehouse somewhere downtown," Kiefer says, before ImhoTerror takes the phone back. "Satisfied?" he asks Bitchelle. Oh, come on, that could have been anyone's voice. Bitchelle asks for more time to set things up, but ImhoTerror disconnects. This call was even shorter than the first one, so of course Skip doesn't have a trace again. All of which is conveyed by a silent look between him and Bitchelle, in an uncharacteristically subtle moment. You're not lost now, are you?
Kiefer tells ImhoTerror that CTU won't make the swap. "I'm expendable," he explains. He further says that now that they know ImhoTerror wants the kid, they'll want to hold onto him just to be contrary. But he doesn't say it quite like that. Instead of making the rookie bad-guy mistake of telling the hero his plans just because he's his prisoner, ImhoTerror simply smirks and leaves the room. It's 9:23:12.
Out in the ImHideout's computer bay, the IT minion reports that the news of PMPMES's family's disappearance will reach CTU within a few minutes. "All right," says ImhoTerror, and checks his watch.
Sure enough, a window pops up on Lispy Skip's monitor with the title "LAPD Hourly Report Log." Wait, so Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's family lived in Los Angeles? Which means he, too is based out of L.A.? It would make so much more sense if the dead pilot and his family lived somewhere else, because it would explain why nobody at the base notices that he's been replaced by a different person, as well as making it more likely for him to be shacked up in a motel room with NotMandy last week. On the other hand, the local nature of the report makes it more likely that it gets passed along to CTU L.A. I'm thinking about this kind of thing too much again, aren't I? Hey, someone has to. In any case, Lispy Skip calls up Potato Face to ask what she usually does with the LAPD hourlies. Jeez, Skip, what have you been doing with them the last ten hours? She says she goes through and promotes flagged items. Right now neither of them has time for that (as we learn through more counterproductive bickering), so Skip will pass it along to someone named "Meg" and go through the report after the prisoner switch. "Okay, boss," Potato Face bitches, and hangs up. Lispy Skip calls Meg, a CTU employee we've never seen before, and after some more pissing and moaning about who's more backed up, he sends the report over to her computer.
Poor Man's Eric Stoltz has changed into a flight suit or a mechanic's coverall. It's hard to say, because neither of the two extras walking around in the background raises the alarm at failing to recognize him anyway. It's like that computer game Hitman, where the tall, bald, Caucasian protagonist can disguise himself as an Asian Tong member just by donning a red silk tunic. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz steps into what must be the office of the aforementioned Chief Mechanical Officer, saying that his plane is ready to go and that the trouble sensor was a false alarm. The CMO looks at him suspiciously, then picks up the phone to clear the plane for takeoff. Well, that was easy. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz leaves the office with a smirk. It's 9:25:07. Do you suppose people ever complain about the danger that 24 will inspire copycat crimes? I think this is one scheme they'd like more actual terrorists to try, because I think in real life a lot more of them would get caught.
9:29:33. Kiefer is still working on his wire origami, Bitchelle confers with Lispy Skip, and DoDder appears to have a splitting headache. Which is odd, because from what we've seen of her relationship with her husband, splitting is not really her forte. Potato Face approaches DoDder and stands over her with that pinched expression on her face. "What's wrong?" DoDder asks, addressing Potato Face by name. Hey, when did they meet, anyway? Potato Face got fired before DoDder's rescue, and DoDder's been at the clinic since Potato Face got back, except for a few brief forays onto the floor to harangue the bosses. Anyway, Potato Face says there's nothing wrong. "I mean, there's no bad news about Kiefer yet, if that's what you mean." I don't think DoDder meant "yet," actually. Potato Face is just there to have DoDder sign some forms, since DaD isn't in this episode for some reason. I'm starting to see why CTU's top people are so backed up, what with all the clerical busywork they're being given. While DoDder's scrawling her John Hancock, Potato Face peeks through the operating room window, where we can see doctors passing bits of gauze and grue back and forth like at some kind of macabre buffet. "I'm really sorry about your husband," Potato Face says. Now stop talking. DoDder thanks her, but we all know Potato Face isn't done: "I can't imagine how I'd be feeling right now if I were you…you and your husband are separated, you've fallen in love with Kiefer, I guess. Then they end up together and your husband ends up taking a bullet that saves Kiefer's life? What do you do with that?" I think a more relevant question is, how does Potato Face know all this? Has she been watching the previouslies? Does she know they LIE? ["And do a lot of people start watching shows halfway through the fifteenth episode of the season? I understand that making Chloe socially awkward gives them some latitude with exposition, but that was absurd even for this show." -- Sars] DoDder tries to close the discussion down, but Potato Face plows onward: "What about Kiefer? You just assume the terrorists aren't going to kill him?" DoDder snaps again that she doesn't want to talk about it, and stomps over to the OR window to watch the operation, because looking at her husband's innards is better than sparing another moment for Potato Face. Who's saying, "I was inappropriately blunt, wasn't I? I do that a lot." Yeah, but you don't normally feel bad about it and it's kind of freaking me out. Potato Face excuses herself without another word or glance from DoDder. Whoops, almost forgot to do the bitchface there, Potato Face!
In the interrogation room, Eric the Torture Guy is capping a spent syringe while Curtis questions a woozy TerrorTeen. Wow, that stuff works fast. Curtis isn't getting much, simply because TerrorTeen doesn't know much. I could have told him that. In the observation room, Soul Patch is called in to the briefing that's about to start. "Call me if he turns up anything relevant," he says to the bird-faced AV guy before leaving. The bird-faced AV guy doesn't exactly hover over the speed-dial.
Out on the floor, Potato Face gets a call from the aforementioned Meg, who's found the flagged item about PMPMES's family being reported missing "two hours ago." "How could someone be missing two hours?" Potato Face asks doubtfully. Good question. Especially when we just saw them less than an hour ago. Meg wants to know what to do with the report, so Potato Face, with some difficulty, pushes her off on Lispy Skip. As Meg saves the file to a red CD-ROM, Potato Face calls Skip to warn him that it's on its way. "Can't Meg do it?" Skip whines. "No," Potato Face snaps. "It's the job of the lead tactical. Isn't that what you think you are?" Lispy Skip defensively says he'll take care of it. "Fantastic," Potato face snots. Your tax dollars at work, everyone.
It's 9:32:57 as DoDder walks across the CTU floor, jabbering into her cell phone. She catches up with Soul Patch and asks whether the impending briefing is about the Kiefer-swap. Soul Patch says that the decision about whether to go through with the trade is going to be up to someone that Division sent over. Someone besides Bitchelle, he means. He tells DoDder, "I don't have to tell you that Kiefer would want us to do what's best for the operation and the country. Not what's best for him." DoDder takes a second to say she knows, and Soul Patch is off to the briefing. Bitchelle meets him along the way, asking whether they've gotten anything out of TerrorTeen yet. Soul Patch says Curtis is still trying. At this, they arrive at the conference table out on the floor, where Bitchelle introduces the guy from Division, whose name is Buchanan. He updates the viewers who have just tuned in, then asks everyone why ImhoTerror wants TerrorTeen back. Nobody's been able to figure that out, of course. Sadly, I'm not there to point out that if your chess opponent is prepared to sacrifice a knight for a pawn -- particularly a whiny, clueless pawn -- he's got something else going on. Buchanan asks what happens if they don't make the trade. Potato Face pipes up, "We don't get Kiefer back, for one thing." Buchanan says that can't be the deciding factor. Bitchelle says it could represent a chance to trap ImhoTerror. Even though, as Buchanan points out, ImhoTerror is unlikely to show up ImSelf, Lispy Skip says that they can put more than one tracking device on TerrorTeen: one decoy and one subcutaneous. I wonder how long Lispy Skip practiced saying "subcutaneous." Buchanan is doubtful, but Bitchelle points out that the lack of leads is forcing them to run with every chance they get. Buchanan gives the go-ahead.
ImhoTerror calls Poor Man's Eric Stoltz: "What's your status?" PMES: "I should be airborne in thirty minutes." ImhoTerror: "Very well." He hangs up. Now that was a short call. It's 9:35:52. "Get Kiefer," ImhoTerror orders a pair of goons.
Kiefer, meanwhile, has gotten to the point where he's striking sparks off of the wires he's messing with. He hears the approaching voices just as he's finishing up, and adopts a more innocent pose. As the goons approach him, Kiefer starts tripping and kicking. I don't know why he bothers. As ImhoTerror comments on the action in Arabic, Kiefer is subdued and…freed. See? That's why I don't know why he bothered. As Kiefer is dragged away, we zoom in on the wires he was messing with. A tiny spark flashes. Man, it's going to take forever to burn the place down that way. It's 9:36:42.
9:41:03. ImhoTerror, Potato Face, Soul Patch, and Bitchelle have a little Brady Bunch opening sequence moment. Meg approaches a very harried Lispy Skip with that red CD-ROM from earlier. Skip tells her to put it on his desk, and she nervously obeys, placing it atop a pile of other multicolored CDs with a judgmental look. Get off your high horse, lady. It took you, like, nine minutes to walk that over. Kiefer could have driven to Culver City in that time.
In the hallway outside the CTU clinic, DoDder's getting all kinds of news. First, a woman in scrubs tells her that Grayadder will be out of surgery within the hour. Then Soul Patch arrives to update her on the exchange for Kiefer, which, as we know, is going ahead. DoDder figures it's not that simple. "These things never are quite as simple as you are," says Soul Patch, except he stops halfway through. He assures her that ImhoTerror has no reason to hurt Kiefer if he really wants the kid back. "And if he doesn't and it's just a trap?" DoDder asks. Soul Patch says they'll be ready. She asks if he'll be there, but he won't; he'll be running the show from CTU, but Curtis will be there. Well, DoDder should be happy about Curtis having another chance to get himself killed. "Is the operational objective to get Kiefer?" she asks. Soul Patch says it isn't; the point is to "create an exposure point for ImhoTerror," and Kiefer's expendable. Which is what the promos have been telling us all week, of course. DoDder looks sad, then says, "Thank you for being straight with me." She has to say that, in light of all the men she's turned gay. Soul Patch says that since Kiefer's about the only friend he has left, he's going to do everything he can. He leaves her alone before she can hug him. It's 9:43:15.
Which means it's time to wire up TerrorTeen with his tracers. A Redshirt leads him into a room which also contains the CTU Tracer Guy, I guess, and Curtis, now in a bulletproof vest. TerrorTeen wants to know what's up. Whatever drug he was on courtesy of Eric the Torture Guy seems to have worn off. That just went right through him, didn't it? Eric the Torture Guy could probably mop up the puddle on TerrorTeen's chair, wring it out, and use it on the guy. Curtis matter-of-factly explains ImhoTerror's offer, and that they accepted it. "We'll be behind you every step of the way." Heh. As if TerrorTeen is actually doing anything. "Does my mother know about this?" TerrorTeen demands. "Yes," Curtis lies. TerrorTeen reminds him of the witness protection deal. Curtis flatly states, "We'll do everything we can to abide by that agreement…now put this watch on." TerrorTeen refuses, so they help him out a little. He also gets an injection in the back of the neck -- the second tracking device, as Curtis explains. Curtis gives his word that he'll do everything possible to keep TerrorTeen safe. "You don't care about me," TerrorTeen whines. "Or your word. You're just using me." Sure, now he figures out what's going on. Curtis, to his utter lack of credit, looks guilty and sad at this as TerrorTeen is led from the room.
Lispy Skip is just about to open up that red CD-ROM that Meg brought him when Soul Patch comes up to ask him to do some technobabble. Skip complains about all the other stuff he has going on. Soul Patch says he'll take on one of Skip's tasks. When Skip waves the red CD in Soul Patch's face, he's instructed to check it as soon as he's finished the technobabble Soul Patch just assigned him. Lispy Skip puts the red CD back down, unexamined. I was never a big fan of Special Agent Breck, but at least she could do a few hundred different things at once.
At 9:45:07, TerrorTeen is being led across the CTU floor. Soul Patch watches him get frog-marched past, then confirms with Potato Face that both trackers are working. He also tells Lispy Skip to "make sure all cellular stations are put on auto-trace." Somebody please tell me there's no such thing. Soul Patch then meets up with Bitchelle and Buchanan in the center of the floor as they discuss final details and plot points. That's when Lispy Skip's phone rings, with ImhoTerror on the other end. Bitchelle puts in her earpiece again. You know, when every second counts, why does she want to spend so many of them screwing around with that thing? At least Driscoll wasn't above picking up a damn receiver. In any case, ImhoTerror gives his final instructions, and agrees to let CTU's agent at the exchange see Kiefer -- whom he calls "your boy scout" -- before releasing TerrorTeen. And of course he threatens to kill Kiefer if there's any CTU interference. By the way, this call lasts a full minute, and there's no indication that they're trying to trace these calls anymore. But it's still less time than they took to trace Saunders last season, so I'm allowing it. "We'll see you in five minutes" is ImhoTerror's sign-off. "That should keep them busy," he tells his IT minion. Since it's about time for a suspenseful cut to commercial, the IT minion asks what to do about Kiefer. "As soon as we have TerrorTeen," ImhoTerror says, "we kill Kiefer." It's 9:46:54.
9:51:22. As much as I bitched about last week's final act, at least it was shorter. CTU people are CTUing, ImhoTerror paces, a sniper takes up position on a rooftop, and TerrorTeen is on the road. Kiefer is back in the black TerrorVan, which is also traveling down the road and fully manned by what my closed captioning describes as "men speaking native language." Indeed, a conversation in "Squiggly" goes on for about twenty-five seconds while Kiefer tries to make sense of it. Or possibly understands every word. It's kind of odd.
But it's still more interesting than what's going on in the CTUmobile, where TerrorTeen is asking Curtis, "Who's going to protect me?" Curtis reminds him of the tracking devices on TerrorTeen's person. TerrorTeen says ImhoTerror will find the trackers, but Curtis hopes it won't come to that -- meaning that CTU has the area surrounded to protect TerrorTeen. "Why would you protect me? I'm nothing to you people. You think I'm a terrorist." Hey, if the shoe fits. Curtis, displaying symptoms of some kind of weird reverse Stockholm syndrome, says, "I don't believe you are." TerrorTeen wants to know why they just don't grab ImhoTerror at the exchange, so Curtis says that ImhoTerror probably won't be there: "We need you to lead us to him." "Oh, God," TerrorTeen gargles in panic. At this point, if I were Curtis, I'd call ImhoTerror and say that in light of the favor he's doing CTU by taking TerrorTeen off their hands, he can just hold on to Kiefer as long as he wants.
ImhoTerror's sniper picks up a cell phone and reports in with word that the CTUmobile seems to be approaching. At the ImHideout, ImhoTerror tells him to wait for the order to take out Kiefer after the exchange. After he hangs up, his minion asks, "Once the trade is made, how long do we need to keep CTU distracted?" ImhoTerror says, "Ideally, until we hit the target. In any event, as long as possible." The IT minion wants to know what ImhoTerror wants done with TerrorTeen once he arrives. "The writers haven't decided yet," ImhoTerror says thoughtfully, pronouncing it with a silent "the wrters."
At 9:53:16, the rooftop sniper flattens himself out as the CTUmobile carrying TerrorTeen pulls up to the closed gate. Curtis gets out, followed by a frightened TerrorTeen. The sniper reports this to ImhoTerror. "Good," ImhoTerror says over the phone. "Send in the van."
Curtis guides an increasingly frantic TerrorTeen to the chain-link gate, assuring him, "[ImhoTerror]'s not going through all this just so he can kill you." ["He is if he's ever met the kid before. Shut up, TerrorTeen." -- Sars] They watch as a black van pulls into view at the far end of the dam. "The van's here," Curtis tells the earpieces at CTU. A battered-looking Kiefer is hauled out, and Curtis reports this as well. Back at CTU, a brief debate between Soul Patch, Bitchelle, and Buchanan follows regarding whether to try to converge on the TerrorVan now. Buchanan nixes it, and Bitchelle has Curtis to send TerrorTeen on his way. The terror goons do the same with Kiefer. Kiefer and TerrorTeen walk slowly towards each other, Kiefer with a distinct limp which I'm sure will be gone by week. As they cross, TerrorTeen asks where TerrorMom is. "I don't know," is Kiefer's answer, which may or may not be true, depending on when he lost consciousness. "I don't wanna die," TerrorTeen non sequiturs. They both continue on their way, and the goons grab TerrorTeen. The sniper reports this to ImhoTerror, and that "I've got Kiefer in my sights." "Take him out," ImhoTerror says. The sniper takes the time to hang up before lining up his shot. TerrorTeen is forced into the TerrorVan. The sniper aims. When Kiefer is yards from Curtis at the open gate, a shot rings out. Guess who goes down? Keep in mind everything you know about this show before you say anything. I'll give you a second. Are you ready? Here's who dies: the sniper. Can you even believe it? Pandemonium erupts as CTU sharpshooters emerge from the woodwork, dragging Kiefer safely through the gate. The TerrorVan peels out. "Why'd you give them the kid?" bellows Kiefer the ingrate. ["See above re: having met the kid. Try to keep up, Kief." -- Sars] Curtis quickly tells him about the trackers on TerrorTeen, bundles him into the back of the CTUmobile, and dispatches agents to try to follow the TerrorVan. It's 9:56:12.
Kiefer's already gotten another cell phone, which he uses to call Soul Patch. It's now that he explains what he was doing with the wires. They're phone lines that he was short-circuiting. Okay, I've messed with a lot of bare phone wires in my time, and I've never felt a jolt from one, let alone seen a spark. They just don't carry that much juice. But I guess Kiefer does. He tells Soul Patch to have the phone company run a technobabble search for what he did that'll give away the location of the ImHideout. Soul Patch is on it. Kiefer says they don't have a lot of time: "ImhoTerror was at the building when they moved me but he's not going to stay there for long." Don't know how he knows that. It'll take hours to pack up the IT minion's computer system alone. Soul Patch will get tactical teams ready. "I know the layout," says Kiefer, "I'll run point." Of course he will. We can assume his self-inflicted stab wound will have healed by then.
Potato Face reports to Curtis that both trackers are working just fine. So far.
In the TerrorVan, one of the goons is running an electronic scanner over TerrorTeen's person. Another is on the phone, reporting that "We have the boy." For some reason, he neglects to mention that CTU was there in force and that the sniper is dead. Not his job, I suppose. ImhoTerror tells them to report back once they've found the tracking devices that he knows are on TerrorTeen. The minion agrees and hangs up. A second later, the scanner starts emitting a beeping noise near TerrorTeen's left wrist. The minion removes TerrorTeen's CTU watch as the kid asks where TerrorMom is. "Your mother is dead," the minion says calmly, then smashes the watch with a hammer. "I don't believe you," TerrorTeen freaks. You and a lot of forum posters, kid. The minion goes back to scanning, and of course gets another signal from the back of TerrorTeen's neck. He whips open a switchblade. Aw, come on, just use the hammer again. TerrorTeen is instead forced to undergo some impromptu surgery, which is almost as good. Sucks to be him. He woke up this morning with two parents, a girlfriend, a nice house, and a purpose, and now all he's got is a gullible handsome black agent who will adopt him and then immediately get killed. I'm speculating on that last bit, of course.
Potato Face reports to Curtis that one of the trackers is dead, but the other is still working. Then that one goes dead too. Curtis curses, then asks for a visual on the van. I assume he means via satellite. "Hold on," says Potato Face, then hangs up. Heh.
Lispy Skip has finally gotten to those hourlies, and Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz's name is flashing on his monitor. He calls Potato Face to give her a heads-up, but she doesn't have time right now: "Right now we need that satellite to find TerrorTeen before they kill him." Lispy Skip agrees, then ejects the red CD into the end-of-episode splitscreen, which also shows a riding Kiefer, a bleeding TerrorTeen, and various CTU folk. Also, the music supervisor appears to have gotten a little assist from Trent Reznor and Moby, circa 1995.
Soul Patch, who's been rapidly scrolling through maps, has already found the ImHideout with the help of the phone company. He orders Lispy Skip to "download these coordinates to tactical right now." Skip hurries to comply.
ImhoTerror's talking into some crazy-looking phone, saying, "Our window's closing. We will only have this one opportunity. You've got to get into the air now." His voice is of course echoing inside the cockpit where Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is safely ensconced. "No problem," says PMES into his helmet microphone, violating any number of military communication protocols with this personal call. "I'm ready and on the move." A stealth fighter taxis out of a hangar. Which is weird, because Poor Man's Eric Stoltz spent the whole episode walking around in front of a conventional fighter plane. It's not like I know the difference between an F-14 and an F-16, but I'm not going to mistake either one of those for a stealth fighter, and this is most certainly the first time we've seen this particular aircraft. But it's too late to bitch about it now, because it's 10:00:00. Don't worry; we have all of week.
week: A twist so big, it will change everything. Dammit, Fox, why you gotta mess with my forums like that?