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After Kiefer and Grayadder escape from the MacGuffin Factories HQ, they still have to deal with the company's private army of mercenaries. Our hero and his bruised-up sidekick make a stand in a sporting goods store owned by a couple of those "good Arabs" that have been on back-order since Episode One. It's an ideal location for Kiefer's purposes, thanks to its bountiful supply of guns, ammunition, and anvils. At CTU, new boss Bitchelle shows Special Agent Breck that there ain't but room for one prickly, well-coifed brunette in these here parts. Begone, usurper! Things are also tense between Bitchelle and Soul Patch, but they appear to strike an uneasy truce by episode's end. But you want a truce? How about Grayadder taking a bullet for Kiefer? Those two crazy kids might just make a go of it. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24: Driscoll handed control of CTU over to Soul Patch, who then had to hand it over almost immediately to his estranged wife, Bitchelle. Kiefer and Grayadder went to the headquarters of MacGuffin Factories to snoop around in ImhoTerror's computer logs. MF didn't want them learning anything, so they deleted a bunch of files. But Grayadder started to rebuild them, so the MFers set off their electromagnetic pulse bomb to delete the files for good. Kiefer tried to stop it, but couldn't, and Downtown L.A. went dark. And according to last week's show page poll, only 15% of you didn't already know what an EMP was. But that's not going to stop them from explaining it to you again. The following takes place between 7:00 PM and 8:00 PM.
At CTU, Curtis is on the phone with the Exposition Call Center in Bangalore, where an operator is explaining that "only the most basic battery-powered devices" are still operating in the EMP zone. The closed captioning says that "even emergency generators are dysfunctional," which I think is also relevant. So nothing's working but flashlights and vibrators, which explains why we don't see any female characters out and about in the blackout zone this hour. Curtis further learns that eight square miles are affected, "including the southeast quadrant of Downtown." That's eight square miles. Did you get that? Because it's going to come up again in a minute. As Curtis hangs up, he's approached by DoDder, who wants the latest word from Kiefer and Grayadder. But of course there's no news from them, because Kiefer lacked the foresight to take an empty soup can and a really long string with him when he left CTU six hours ago. The last Curtis heard, Kiefer and Grayadder had found something potentially incriminating at MacGuffin Factories. DoDder and Curtis figure that the EMP means that MF probably has something to hide, but Curtis says it's not proof. I'd like to point out that it's proof that MF did millions if not billions of dollars in damage to the surrounding area, in what amounts to one of the biggest acts of vandalism in history, but what do I know? DoDder asks whether the pulse bomb could have injured either of her suitors, but Curtis assures us that the EMP only damages electronics. "But it doesn't mean they're safe," he warns. Especially if Grayadder is actually a Cylon.
When Curtis is right, he's right. In a darkened office bay of MF HQ, poor Grayadder is undergoing his second torture session of the day, this time at the hands of a couple of uniformed MF guards. Man, he's totally this season's Poor Man's Mena Suvari, isn't he? Dumped, cuckolded, emotionally fucked with, knocked unconscious, half-stripped, soaked, accused, insulted, electrocuted, and curb-stomped all in one day. And of course we're not finished with him yet, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Old MFer is supervising the beating, demanding to know where Grayadder hid the printout. Grayadder isn't saying a word. Actually, that's not true. He's saying a number of variations of the word "ow." I assume they already searched Grayadder, even though he's still dressed and there doesn't appear to be poo on anyone's hands (Yep. Went there). Old MFer gets bored, or has a meeting to go to, or something, so he tells the two guards, "Call me if he talks," and leaves. I assume by "call me" he means "yell."
And now we see that Kiefer is hiding behind a nearby support pillar, either enjoying the chance to let someone else beat up his girlfriend's husband for a change, or planning Grayadder's rescue. Nah, probably not that. He scampers off. Hey, Kiefer, where are you going? Maybe the guards will castrate him, and you won't want to miss that.
Unlike every employee everywhere, the guards start getting more into their task once the boss is gone, sinking a couple of heavy punches in Grayadder's gut and face and then slamming the fingers of his left hand in a file cabinet drawer a couple of times. Grayadder screams. Finally, Kiefer decides he's had enough and bursts into view, shooting down one of the guards. The surviving one grabs Grayadder and hides behind him in "human shield" mode, gun to Grayadder's bloody head and threatening to kill him if Kiefer doesn't drop his own weapon. But the guard really might as well not be there, given the intense stare passing between Grayadder and Kiefer for the fifteen minutes or so. Seriously, that gaze is so palpable I could walk on it. I start to figure that they're communicating telepathically. Then my theory is borne out when Grayadder jerks his head to the left, giving Kiefer a clear shot at the guard's face. Kiefer takes it instantly. Nice! The guard drops, and Grayadder is quick to follow. Kiefer rushes to scoop him up and ask him where the printout is. Grayadder says he hid it in an office down the hall. "I know you're hurt, but we've got to get it and get out of here," Kiefer whispers. He hauls Graybattered to his feet and helps him out of the room.
Moments later, Old MFer comes running back, presumably having heard the shots. He shines his flashlight on the bodies of his dead guards, wishing he could bring them back to life in order to fire them. Instead, he rushes back out of the room.
Grayadder has guided Kiefer to the office he used for a hiding place, explaining that he hid the document "because I thought I might be captured." He's really not quite the dead weight we expected him to be, is he? Well, at least not until now. Kiefer quickly finds the printout and shows it to Grayadder, who admits that he couldn't make sense of the coded text. Yeah, we already know from the previouslies that it's encrypted. Kiefer folds it into his pocket, saying, "We need to get this back to CTU." "I don't think I could have held out much longer," Grayadder confesses. Rather than unkindly saying that he knows from recent experience exactly how long Grayadder could have held out, Kiefer says, "You did great." Aw. Grayadder's just lucky the electricity's out now. After making sure the hallway's clear, Kiefer says it's time to go.
It's 7:06:02 as DaD takes the floor at CTU to introduce interim boss Bitchelle to those employees who don't already know her. Special Agent Breck makes a potato face at the new boss, almost as if I'd decided to go with Bitchelle 2.0 as her nickname after all. Jeez, relax, lady. You don't look that much alike. DaD thanks Soul Patch for filling in, then asks him to bring Bitchelle "and everyone else" -- by which I assume he means Bitchelle's posse and people who have never seen the show before -- up to speed. While Bitchelle stares inscrutably at Soul Patch, he nervously launches into a veritable aria of exposition: ImhoTerror is a longtime employee of MacGuffin Factories, but CTU doesn't know how he got past MF's security checks. Ooh, I have a theory: there weren't any. CTU figured ImhoTerror is lying low to avoid detection, so their best bet was looking at ImhoTerror's files at MF. But while Kiefer and Grayadder were doing that, MF set off the EMP, wiping out the company's database. Special Agent Breck adds, "It also fried every electrical device within an eight-mile radius." Okay, stop right there. It's been a while since high school geometry, but even I remember that there's a big difference between eight square miles and the area described by an eight-mile radius. Not to smack you upside the head with my slide rule, but eight square miles is eight square miles. An eight-mile radius comprises over two hundred square miles, which represents over 40% of the landmass of the city of Los Angeles. Which, bullshit. Get it right, people. And secondly, either have two minutes of previouslies or frontload the entire first act with a bunch of stuff we already know, but quit doing both.
Anyway, Soul Patch figures that MF knows Kiefer and Grayadder found something, and that the company now wants them dead. Bitchelle uses her first line of the season to ask whether rescue teams have been sent in, but Soul Patch has been waiting until the effects of the EMP subside so they can send in guys with functioning electronics. Bitchelle sums it up for the room: sure, they want to save Kiefer and Grayadder, but the priority is retrieving whatever information they found. Because Bitchelle is all cold and ball-busting now. While Soul Patch is walking away, Bitchelle stops him to ask for the access codes for CTU and Division. He hands over a key card and asks what she wants him to work on. She gives him some kind of demeaning busywork, and he chafes at it. She insists. He says he should be helping find Kiefer and Grayadder. Their voices are starting to rise, and DoDder -- sitting alone in the conference room that they're right outside of -- looks over at them. Bitchelle starts to walk into the conference room where DoDder is patiently waiting, but Soul Patch grabs her arm. "The last time I saw you, you couldn't stay sober long enough to keep a job," she hisses. "That was six months ago," he says. Thanks for the timeline. He really wasn't in prison very long at all, was he? Bitchelle says he can either do the task she's assigned him, or quit. He says he'll need a security clearance, and she says she'll make sure he gets a level three. "I used to have a six," he whines. Was that the clearance you used to facilitate the escape of a terrorist, destroy the evidence of it, confuse your staff, and illegally remove the terrorist's daughter from CTU custody? All righty then, we'll just fire that up again. "Right now all you need is three," Bitchelle says, relatively diplomatically. Soul Patch stomps off.
Bitchelle enters the conference room, where DoDder asks her if there's going to be a personal conflict between Bitchelle and Soul Patch. She sticks her nose in all that juicy backstory until Bitchelle cuts her off, insisting that it isn't going to be a problem. "I won't let it," she snaps. Her mellow attitude is certainly reassuring, isn't it?
Curtis and Lispy Skip are watching a news report referring to looting and gunshots in the blackout area, less than fifteen minutes after the lights went out. Wow, you Angelenos don't waste any time, do you? Lispy Skip asks what Kiefer could have found that would be worth triggering an EMP. Curtis explains, "Anything they do now is insignificant if there's proof that they helped ImhoTerror with today's attacks." Insignificant. That's what I was thinking, more or less. Actually, I was thinking "idiotic and self-destructive," but "insignificant" is good too.
I assume that CTU has looked up the home address used by ImhoTerror's alias "Harris Barnes" and dispatched a team that has either staked out his house or wound up at the front entrance of Dodger Stadium a la The Blues Brothers. Not that we'll ever see any of that, because ImhoTerror's not going home anyway. Instead, he's just arrived back at his restaurant headquarters at 7:10:02. Still on foot, mind you. Silly ImhoTerror. Hasn't anyone ever told you that nobody walks in L.A.? He picks up a few message slips from the bartender on his way to the back room. Hey, you know what ImhoTerror needs? A cell phone. There are four guys sitting around a table in the back room. This is the organization that threatens to bring the United States to its knees? When not one of four guys who literally have nothing to do can be bothered to get off their asses and come pick up the fucking boss? Rather than yelling at his lazy underlings, he whips out his cell phone and dials.
In some fancy loft somewhere, a Poor Man's Eric Stoltz answers, and ImhoTerror tells him, "It is time for you to go." Poor Man's Eric Stoltz is worried about ImhoTerror's being a public figure now, but ImhoTerror says everything will proceed as planned, and asks, "How long will it take you to get there?" Poor Man's Eric Stoltz says it'll be less than thirty minutes, which still puts us in this episode, not that we'll see where he's going or what he does when he gets there this week. "I'll inform the others," ImhoTerror says, and hangs up. Poor Man's Eric Stoltz reaches into his closet and pulls out an Air Force uniform. Dear God! ImhoTerror knows a guy with an Air Force uniform! It's 7:11:03.
7:15:13. The outside of MF HQ doesn't look much darker than it did before the blackout, Bitchelle is working the floor, and Soul Patch is working an uncertain eyebrow. Kiefer and Grayadder come out through a back exit of MF HQ, just in time to spot a helicopter approaching for a landing.
Special Agent Breck also spots the helicopter on her computer screen, represented as a blinking icon traveling through the black, amoeba-shaped area that represents the blackout zone. She reports it to Curtis, who calls Bitchelle over. They speculate on whose helicopter it might be, until Soul Patch recognizes the chopper's type (displayed below the icon) and calmly explains that it's a "search-and-destroy mission. A chopper that size carries twenty men. Fully armed." Otherwise it can't take off. You have the pilot going, "All right, who's in my bird that isn't totally jacked?" Soul Patch further concludes that the chopper was called in by whomever set off the EMP. They must also have a Bat-signal and a really bright campfire. Bitchelle tells Curtis to get the word out to the CTU field teams.
Kiefer leaves Grayadder leaning against a wall and runs around a corner of the building to watch the helicopter set down on the lawn. He runs back to Grayadder, who's dragging ass, and drags his ass off the property. And thanks, writers, for giving me one of my wishes.
It's 7:16:56 as armed, armored mercenaries from the helicopter, led by a Handsome Black Commando, run across the lawn to meet Old MFer. He suits up to join them while handing the Handsome Black Commando security-camera stills of Grayadder and Kiefer. They must have been printed before the EMP went off. For that matter, Old MFer may well have called in the commandos in advance too, which doesn't say much for his opinion of the guards in his building. Old MFer says, "We need to erase these two men and recover the document." He warns that one of them is a federal agent. "You want us to kill a federal agent?" Handsome Black Commando asks. Old MFer "explains," "He went bad. Started helping the terrorists and dragged the company into it." Handsome Black Commando warns that the LAPD will be on its way, so they'll have to work fast. Which means keeping in touch. He hands Old MFer a fresh walkie-talkie, just as another commando reports, "We just spotted two men headed east on Addison." The small army begins mobilizing to take down the guy who can barely walk and the guy who's practically carrying him. I bet this company never has outstanding receivables for very long.
Kiefer and Grayadder have already made it to what has already become the heart of the looting district. Kiefer spots a sporting goods store across the street, and drags Grayadder in that direction. "Weapons and ammunition," he explains. But when they're within a few yards of the door, someone in the store hollers at them to get away. Kiefer drops Grayadder and dives to the side just as a shotgun blast from inside blows a hole in the door. See? Weapons and ammunition. Kiefer was right. "Get out of here, or the one won't miss!" shouts the unfriendly shopkeeper. "I'm a federal agent!" Kiefer angrily yells back as he reloads. He says he needs help, but the shopkeeper isn't hearing it. Kiefer holsters his gun and backs away, hands up: "I'm leaving," he says, but then he rushes the door. Man, such a bad idea. He doesn't know if the door is locked, or how far away the armed man behind it is, or if there's more than one guy with a gun on the other side. Lucky for him, the answers turn out to be: no; close enough for Kiefer to grab his shotgun; and yes, but he's too stupid to actually shoot Kiefer. Even as Kiefer disarms the shotgun-wielding proprietor, and orders the other guy to drop his weapon. Seems to me like it would have been safer for Kiefer to maybe hold his badge up to the shotgun hole, but that wouldn't make for very interesting TV, I guess.
The store secured, Kiefer yells out to Grayadder, "Get in here." Grayadder hauls himself to his feet and obeys. Kiefer tells him to pick up the other gun, and he obeys that as well, holding the gun steady on the two dark-skinned store owners with his good hand. Nice to see that Grayadder didn't miss out on being blessed with the healing speed that is only enjoyed by 24 characters and vampire slayers. Kiefer introduces himself and shows his badge. "I am a federal agent," he repeats. One of the guys bitches about the looting. I'm really trying not to draw a comparison between these guys and another famous pair of TV shopkeepers of South Asian extraction, because those gentlemen were immigrants from Bangladesh and weren't brothers and had accents, but if you can come up with better names for these two guys than Sirajunior and Mujibro, be my guest. Anyway, they look less like brothers than Kiefer and I do. Kiefer asks them whether there are any more rifles in the store, and they lead him towards the counter. "We're the first to be hit because everyone knows we're Arabs," one says. "We're good citizens! We had nothing to do with this! The American Muslim community stands firmly beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism!" The other just asks Kiefer to leave them two guns for when the looters come back. Kiefer lowers his weapon and starts shopping at 7:19:39. Grayadder continues to cover them, propping the gun across his shattered hand. Mujibro asks Kiefer what they're doing there in the first place, and Kiefer explains that the bad guys who triggered the blackout are after them, and explains that the pulse bomb "destroys all electrical activity within an eight-mile radius." How does he know about the eight-mile radius? Are all pulse bombs the same size? Mujibro says, "So everything that's happened to us tonight -- the looting, the blackout -- it's all because of the terrorists? We're part of the American Muslim community, and, as such, we stand beside our fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism." Kiefer confirms it, and says that the "evidence I have can prevent further attacks from happening." Grayadder reminds Kiefer that maybe this isn't the best time for exposition, what with the commandos on their way. Kiefer tells Mujibro and Sirajunior that they should leave, since it's going to get pretty dangerous. Mujibro and Sirajunior try to refuse, but Kiefer says that since they have weapons and shelter, he and Grayadder don't have anyplace else to go. Mujibro and Sirajunior ponder that for a second, until Mujibro says, "Can I talk to my brother for a minute? As members of the American Muslim community, we need to discuss to what extent we wish to stand beside our fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism." Kiefer tells them to stay where he can see them, and they withdraw.
Grayadder asks Kiefer what the plan is. You're going to love it. Kiefer explains that CTU knows they're in trouble and can't contact home base. He's also sure that CTU's satellites observed the military helicopter's arrival. Now all they need to do is start a firefight big enough to force the commandos to break radio silence, which will alert CTU to their location. Uh-huh. I love the mental flow chart Kiefer uses to come up with plans. It probably goes like this:
Question A: Will it work? If no, proceed to question B. If yes, proceed to question B. If maybe, proceed to question B.
Question B: Does it involve running and shooting? If yes, proceed with plan. If no, devise new plan.
Grayadder thinks Kiefer's out of his mind. Kiefer bright-sides, "We have a positional advantage, and we only have to hold out until CTU gets here."
Meanwhile, Mujibro and Sirajunior have finished their confab. Sirajunior announces, "We're staying." Kiefer and Grayadder exchange a look. Kiefer want to be sure they know what they're getting into: "I can't force you to leave your own property, but this is not just a bunch of looters. This is a very dangerous situation. I cannot guarantee your safety." Mujibro says, "For years we've been blamed for the attacks by these terrorists. We grew up in this neighborhood. This country's our home." "If you're fighting the people who caused today's bloodshed," Sirajunior adds, "then we'll help you. As you know, the American Muslim community stands beside its fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism." It's 7:22:26. During the commercials, Kiefer will probably neither explain that MF did not directly cause the nuclear plant meltdown, nor remark that he can probably do without the help of two guys who couldn't defend a gun store against a single man who wasn't even armed when he rushed them.
I would have thought that nobody could have kept me from seeing Sin City, but Brittany Murphy might. By, you know, being in it.
7:26:42. Old MFer's in the field, Bitchelle is on the floor (not that way), and Kiefer and his guys are getting set up in the store window. Back at CTU, it looks like that living-room office is the one that DaD has co-opted for his own use this evening. He's on the phone saying, "I agree, the President should stay in the air at least another hour if not longer. If he wants to speak to the nation he should do it from Air Force One." That sound you just heard was the show putting on a Pee-Wee Herman voice and saying, "I meant to do that." DoDder walks in and hands him an update on the meltdown from earlier. "It's not quite as bad as we'd feared," she says. Hey, that's great. Maybe it means someone will be able to get to the corpse of Lispy Skip's mom before it starts glowing. "How you doing?" DaD asks her. He invites her to sit down, and she does so, looking like she's holding a soap bubble between her butt-cheeks. DaD asks whether there's any word from Kiefer or Grayadder. "I can't imagine how hard this must be for you," he says. Judging by his smirk, he's not trying that hard. He can see there's something else bothering her. She tells him about Kiefer's questioning Grayadder. "Kiefer was pretty rough?" DaD asks. "Very," says DoDder. DaD says that's Kiefer's job, and he had to make sure. "You have to believe that Kiefer had no choice," he says. But the way he says it, it's like he's telling her to believe it for her own sake, rather than because it's true. Which is probably more honest anyway. DoDder says it was a shock (heh) to see that side of Kiefer, and starts weeping as DaD gruffly says, "We need people like that." Ugh, don't get me started. Hearing even a fictional cabinet-level official say that gives me the shivers. "Kiefer is an incredible man," she sobs. DaD prods, "But you're not sure you feel the same as you did before, is that it?" DoDder nods. Okay! Good talk!
7:28:46. Special Agent Breck is sitting at her computer, stealing glances at Bitchelle. Dammit, she left, she's thinking. I'm supposed to be the hot, ethnically ambiguous brunette around here now, not her. Finally she decides that the best defense is a good offense, and descends upon Bitchelle. She mentions the false accusation against her (which Bitchelle knows about) and her deal with Driscoll (which Bitchelle doesn't know about; as Bitchelle says, "Her daughter just died. I think she's got other things on her mind"). It's like a Two Stars, One Slot played out before our very eyes, as Special Agent Breck harangues Bitchelle about her pay raise and the expunge…ment (?) of her arrest, and Bitchelle tries to blow her off. Special Agent Breck, foolishly thinking she's punching her weight, threatens to go to DaD for backup. Whatever; DaD's busy talking to his Special Policy Advisor about the boyfriend he didn't know she had until today. Bitchelle slowly stands up and glares at her challenger. "Secretary Heller doesn't run CTU," she says dangerously. "I do. And I am ordering you to go back to work." Special Agent Breck refuses to back down. Oh, Special Agent Breck. I know Bitchelle. I've recapped Bitchelle. Bitchelle was my favorite Season Three character. Special Agent Breck, you are no Bitchelle. And Bitchelle proves it by calling the Redshirts to have Special Agent Breck thrown out. "I need people whose minds are on their jobs. Yours isn't." "You'll be sorry for this," Special Agent Breck threatens as she's led out. Maybe so, but not until much, much later. Bitchelle's already over it. Soul Patch curiously watches Special Agent Breck leave.
7:30:24. Old MFer is leading a team of commandos through the neighborhood. I'm sure the cinematographer is grateful to the looters for setting enough cars on fire to film by.
Mujibro and Sirajunior finally chain and padlock the door to their store from the inside, while a fairly ambulatory Grayadder stands watch in the front windows. At the gun counter, Kiefer loads up the brothers with extra guns and tells them to fill the pockets of hunting vests with empty clips. Makeshift flak jackets, I suppose, not that human anvils would be susceptible to bullets anyway. They scurry to obey. Kiefer's still got his bulletproof vest on, but what about Grayadder? Never mind, I'm sure he'll be fine.
CTU. Bitchelle comes over to tell Curtis that since Special Agent Breck has been shitcanned, he may want to divide up her workload. Curtis complains, "We're stretched pretty thin as it is." Everyone is either too busy or not qualified to do the nine million jobs that Special Agent Breck did. Where's the damn night shift, already, CTU? God! "You may want to reconsider," Curtis advises. Bitchelle flatly refuses. Curtis doesn't make a big thing of it like he did when he disagreed with Soul Patch last week. I think he's discriminating in favor of Bitchelle because she's a girl and officially above him in rank and not a convicted traitor. But Curtis makes up for it now by suggesting Soul Patch to fill in. Bitchelle is reluctant, but Curtis talks her into calling Soul Patch over and letting him know that he'll be working with Lispy Skip and Curtis. Is it really wise to put all of CTU's speaking parts in one basket like that? Whatever. Bitchelle asks Curtis for an update. Curtis says it's still quiet in the blackout zone, and there's no sign of Kiefer. He figures the only thing they can do is spread teams out around the perimeter and wait for a sign. Soul Patch disagrees. He's already correctly figured out what Kiefer's plan is, and he wants to consolidate the teams somewhere near MF HQ. Bitchelle overrules him. Ooh, bad idea, Bitchelle. Soul Path is on a redemption arc, and you stand in its path at your peril. At least she takes the time to explain: "If we send all our teams to one location and you're wrong, Kiefer and Grayadder won't survive an attack. But if we cover the perimeter we may have a chance to save them. Do it," she tells Curtis. Curtis grabs the phone to order Agent Castle to make it so. Soul Patch goes back to work, knowing that events will inevitably prove him right. He's channeling the Kiefer mojo right now, you see.
Stationed in one of the sporting goods store's two front windows, Kiefer peers out into the street and spots one commando creeping along the street. "It's time," he tells Grayadder. "No one fires until I give the order," he tells the brothers, who nod. They still stand with Kiefer, their fellow American, in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism, but silently this time. Kiefer unshoulders his sniper rifle and gets a bead on Handsome Black Commando. The crosshairs intersect on the handsome black cheekbone, and then Kiefer deliberately aims wide and puts a round in the wall inches in front of the man's face. Handsome Black Commando recoils back into the alley from whence he came and calls for backup. "What do we do?" Grayadder asks. "Wait for them to come full force," Kiefer says. "Just stay ready." Man, radio silence has already been broken. Maybe now would be a good time to put your heads down and wait for the cavalry.
7:34:56. Bitchelle approaches DoDder, takes care of some brief business we don't care about, and quickly gets to the real point of the scene. She apologizes for being "confrontational" earlier. DoDder understands, and says she thinks Bitchelle is making the right decisions, but thinks Bitchelle should "reevaluate [your] professional opinion of Soul Patch." When Bitchelle asks why, DoDder tells her that Soul Patch saved her and Kiefer's lives earlier. "I didn't know that," Bitchelle says softly. DoDder goes on to say that Soul Patch has issues, but he's good at what he does. "Fair enough," Bitchelle says. They both look over at him while he works, oblivious to their girl-talk. "And business aside," DoDder adds in a tone that makes me fairly sure she's going to comment on the contents of the Soul Pants, "he still cares about you." Well, that was a let-down. DoDder quits while she's ahead and walks off. Bitchelle decides to approach Soul Patch with a peace offering. "Just because I overruled you a few minutes ago doesn't mean I don't value your input," she says sincerely. Soul Patch scoffs at her not to patronize him. She assures him that she wants to hear whatever she has to say. He assures her, "I'm going to tell you what I think whether you want to hear it or not." Isn't that how they got split up in the first place?
Kiefer approaches the brothers in the store and asks if they're sure they want to do this. Mujibro PSAs that they're angrier about the attacks than anyone, "so we're going to stand with our fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism." Kiefer apologizes for this happening in their store. Mujibro explains that their father left them the store when he died, but that when he was alive, and a member of the Muslim American community, he stood with his fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism. Now, in his memory, his sons will do what he would have done, i.e. stand with their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism. Kiefer is either getting choked up, or perhaps starting to gag, but he manages, "Just stay low and do what I tell you." He returns to Grayadder's side of the store. "Thank you for saving my life," Grayadder says. Kiefer doesn't point out that he (a) needed Grayadder alive to tell him where the printout was and (b) promised DoDder he'd take care of him. He just whispers -- wait for it -- "Yeah." That's our guy. Grayadder goes back to sighting along the barrel of his rifle. Kiefer's like, all this man-love is making me uncomfortable. Can't somebody shoot at me already? Right on cue, a commando creeps into view outside. That must be a relief for Kiefer. It's 7:39:02. Argh! That means more male bonding during the commercials!
7:43:13. Soul Patch is still at work, Mujibro and Sirajunior are waiting for their moment to denounce and resist all forms of terrorism, and DoDder paces the CTU floor. She approaches Soul Patch and asks, "Ostensibly work-related reason for the two of us to have a scene together?" Soul Patch responds, "Computer search that will take a few minutes and give us a silent pause to fill." He asks her, "Did you tell Bitchelle what happened today?" He's retroactively recognized the change in his wife's attitude, I see. "I said that Kiefer called you," DoDder downplays. "I didn't say you were living with anyone, if that's what you mean." "She probably already knows that and she probably couldn't care less," Soul Patch chuckles bitterly. But enough about his dysfunctional relationship. What about DoDder's? He asks how things are going with Kiefer in the field. "It's different," she says, "a lot different than Washington." "Yeah," Soul Patch duhs, "it is different." He goes on to say that he couldn't believe it when he heard about Kiefer's desk job. "He said he was happier this way," DoDder says. "Uh-huh," Soul Patch says. DoDder just looks at him. Kim Raver can act, I've decided. Too bad DoDder's such a dip. ["This is always the way with her; she acted the pants off a character on Third Watch who was unfortunately written to bug the shit out of everyone." -- Sars] Soul Patch asks if she thinks Kiefer will go back to wearing a suit. She responds, "After the hell Kiefer's been through today, you think he'd want to come back to this?" "Some people are more comfortable in hell," Soul Patch says. Sounds like somebody was reading a little Milton in prison. Which, now that I think of it, probably shouldn't be there. "Are you talking about Kiefer or yourself?" DoDder shoots back. Ooh, good one.
Before he can answer, Lispy Skip calls out, "I think we found them!" Everyone converges on his desk as he explains that there are a bunch of radios using the same frequency closing in on a spot about a quarter mile from MF HQ. "You were right," Curtis says to Soul Patch. "He's actually drawing them in." Bitchelle meets Soul Patch's "I told you so" gaze. He probably hasn't had a chance to use that on her in a while.
7:45:42. More commandos are moving into position around the store. Old MFer dashes up to where Handsome Black Commando is and gives the order to move in. Commandos start opening fire. Kiefer returns fire, with predictably deadly accuracy. Grayadder has switched to a pistol for some reason. The brothers stand with their fellow American and some British guy in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism.
At CTU, Lispy Skip's infrared screen is picking up the gunfire. DoDder asks how much longer before the CTU teams arrive. Curtis says it'll be at least five or six minutes. DoDder looks at Soul Patch, who looks back all, "Hey, it's not my fault nobody listened to me."
The firefight continues apace as Old MFer rolls clumsily behind a car to meet up with Handsome Black Commando. He looks ridiculous scampering around with his assault rifle like this. He says to his subordinate, "We need to end this quickly and get that document. Is that understood?" Handsome Black Commando understands.
In the store, Sirajunior is hit. But the bullet bounced off the clip in his vest. "Lookit!" he says to his amazed brother, and the camera cuts back and forth between them about nine times. Uh, guys? Shooting's not over yet. Keep denouncing and resisting already.
Kiefer orders everyone to fall back, and provides covering fire as the others retreat deeper into the store. There's a whole back section filled with clothing racks, and that's where they fall back to. Grayadder's moving at a dead run now, of course. The commandos arrive at the front door, blow it open, and swarm inside. Back among the clothes racks, Kiefer hands the brothers his shotgun and instructs them to shine a flashlight into the commandos' night-vision goggles if they get within ten feet. Shooting! Hiding! Grayadder smoothly takes down a commando with a couple of pistol shots and fades back into cover. The brothers blind one and take him out as well. Yeah! Denounce! Resist! Stand beside your fellow Americans, except for the one you just shot. Then all is quiet, except for Grayadder urgently whispering Kiefer's name.
"The gunfire's stopped," Lispy Skip says. But the CTU teams haven't arrived yet. They figure that the commandos have taken over. "I'll update Division," Bitchelle says, and goes to update Division. "If MacGuffin Factories win the firefight," DoDder asks Soul Patch, "what about Kiefer and Grayadder?" Um, DoDder? You work for the Defense Department. You should know that "winning a firefight" is not the same as "winning a hand of euchre." It generally constitutes "killing the other guys." Rather than pointing this out, Soul Patch sugar-coats, "There's no way to tell." It's 7:49:39.
Hey, Nina was on House this week. I still didn't watch it.
7:53:52. DoDder waits for word on her boys, Bitchelle waits to get fired for ignoring hers, and the brothers are standing beside their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism, in this case by reloading their weapons. At CTU, Lispy Skip reports that field teams have arrived at the location of the shootout. Sure enough, Agent Castle's voice rings out over the CTU floor with the announcement that they've found "six hostiles down outside." Wow, six to zero. Kiefer and his three civilians are doing pretty well against MF's "trained mercenaries." By which I mean "bullet magnets." Castle hasn't yet been able to determine whether Kiefer and Grayadder are still alive, but Soul Patch tells him that no matter what happens, the bad guys mustn't get away with the evidence they're after. "Failure is not an option," he emphasizes, trying to get into the episode promo. "That information is what this whole thing's about." Castle rogers that.
The lone surviving Commando, the Handsome Black one, is slinking among the clothing racks when Kiefer emerges from a rack of shirts behind him and jams his knife into the back of the man's neck. And I mean, shit, you can hear the dude's vertebrae separating as Kiefer pulls his head back. Didn't think you could do that on network TV, violence warning or no. In any case, Old MFer is now also inside the store. Kiefer reloads his handgun and takes a couple of wide shots at him in the darkness. A helicopter can be heard arriving outside, although we don't get to see it. Agent Castle and another CTU agent move quietly into the store. Old MFer and Kiefer stalk each other in the gloom until Old MFer takes a short burst of CTU gunfire in the back. Castle calls out to Kiefer, who confirms that he and Grayadder are safe. "All hostiles are down. We're clear," Castle reports. Great plan, Kiefer. Thank God the cavalry got there in time to shoot that one guy in the back. And now that guy's hand is twitching as he lies facedown on the floor, so they shouldn't even get credit for that. Castle calls in at 7:55:50 to report the good news. Curtis takes the call, and then relays what we just heard to everyone else on the floor. He also tells Lispy Skip to be ready to work up whatever Kiefer's got. Lispy Skip eagerly says, "You got it," just as anyone would.
Soul Patch heads up to the former DrisCube to relay the news to Bitchelle. She's glad to hear that the guys are safe, then asks about the info. Soul Patch reminds her that they don't know if the evidence is going to help them, but Bitchelle bright-sides that just knowing MF is involved should yield some leads. Soul Patch says they'll have to work it up at CTU, since MF is still dark. "You wanna head that up?" Bitchelle says brightly. I guess she's over those issues from earlier. Soul Patch says Curtis should probably do it. Bitchelle agrees, then apologizes for her crack about Soul Patch's drinking earlier. Soul Patch says she doesn't owe him an apology. In fact, he's going to "get out of your hair and let you do your job." He turns to go. "No," Bitchelle says decisively. Soul Patch freezes with his hand on the door handle. "We can't afford to lose you," Bitchelle says. "Not today." Soul Patch figures he'll just look up the futbol scores in tomorrow's paper, and agrees. He leaves her alone with her ambivalence.
7:58:14. Now that they've successfully stood with their fellow Americans in denouncing and resisting all forms of terrorism, Mujibro and Sirajunior have a store to clean up. Kiefer comes up to them and the American flag they're standing to and thanks them, shaking each of their hands. He also promises they'll get help cleaning up. Sirajunior ruffles Mujibro's hair. See, everyone? Arab-Americans are really cute and friendly once you get to know them, as long as you don't piss them off.
Meanwhile, Old MFer's right hand has recovered enough strength to reach out and grab the pistol that nobody bothered to kick away from his body.
Kiefer approaches Castle and hands him the printout, instructing him to get it to CTU and have it decoded, and also to set up a security detail to protect the store. As he's talking, Grayadder is the first to notice that Old MFer is aiming his gun at Kiefer. Grayadder acts quickly, shouting a warning and shoving Kiefer out of the line of fire. Of course we all know what normally happens to people who rush at Kiefer and try to push him aside: the would-be pusher ends up on the floor unconscious and bleeding with a couple of dislocated joints. But Grayadder isn't so lucky. He actually succeeds in shoving Kiefer down as Old MFer fires his gun. Kiefer's got his own gun out by the time he hits the floor, and he quickly takes out Old MFer. But he's too late to prevent Grayadder from taking a bullet in the gut. Kiefer actually seems upset as Grayadder collapses, and he screams for a medic. He rushes to Grayadder's side and begs him to hold on. "I owed you," Grayadder manages. Kiefer replies, "You don't owe me anything," again neglecting to mention the real reasons he saved Grayadder in the first place. He stays with Grayadder even after the medic arrives, and Castle practically has to drag Kiefer away. Aw, Kiefer's worried about Grayadder! Or he's worried about not getting any more poontang when DoDder finds out he let her husband get shot.
Not much going on in the end-of episode split screen this week. Bitchelle and DoDder stand there looking serious, and that's about it.
Poor Man's Eric Stoltz dials his phone. He confirms to ImhoTerror that he's "here" and that everything is "on schedule." We can't see where "here" is, although Poor Man's Eric Stoltz appears to be outside somewhere. Possibly an airfield. "The president is on a tight schedule," ImhoTerror ImTones into the phone. "We can't be late." Aw, they're POTUS groupies! It's 8:00:00.
on 24: Kiefer decides to try getting close to ImhoTerror by pretending to be TerrorMom's hostage. Heh. Heh, heh, heh.