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Shouldn't somebody be dealing with the five nuclear plants that are still about to melt down? No! No time! Too busy with other stuff! TerrorTeen kills TerrorDad after Kiefer arrests him, so there goes Kiefer's best lead. Again. TerrorMom can only direct him to the abandoned hideout that the terrorists were using to plan the whole operation. Which is apparently owned by Grayadder. Kiefer puts DoDder to work in her comfort zone, i.e. screwing with guys' feelings. But she even biffs that by walking into Grayadder's lair alone and making everyone very, very nervous about her safety. Except the viewers. Kiefer arrives just in time to preventâ¦well, we don't know what, but Kiefer's pretty pissed about it anyway. Meanwhile, Soul Patch and Special Agent Breck are both back at work at CTU, but only the latter fully understands Driscoll's motives. Curtis very reluctantly takes AIIIEEEE!sha on a field trip to retrieve some computer files, knowing full well what happens to Handsome Black Agents who leave the house. But when the armed white guys in suits show up, it's AIIIEEEE!sha who dies, and Curtis is merely knocked unconscious and taken prisoner. Which causes several Vegas casinos to go bust. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on 24: Well, actually, if you watched that promo during the last break of tonight's American Idol, which Fox clearly put together for the benefit of all the new viewers that this show was likely to get with its new lead-in, you're probably more up to speed with what's going on than you would be from anything I could tell you. Thanks, Fox, for rendering me totally superfluous. Except I will mention that AIIIEEEE!sha gets her own freeze frame with her name in the previouslies, so we know she's fucked this hour. The following takes place between 4:00 PM and 5:00 PM.
Kiefer's dashing around the hospital parking garage on his cell phone, voting for Constantine as many times as he can. No, he's actually talking to Driscoll, who's got him on speakerphone in a meeting with Team DoD. Kiefer explains that TerrorDad is keeping TerrorTeen hostage because he thinks that TerrorMom will spill everything if he kills their son. But the truth is that TerrorMom's cooperation will dry up if TerrorTeen dies, so Kiefer's got to rescue him. See? With all that exposition frontloaded at the start of the episode, you didn't need my update anyway. It's worth mentioning that they've got TerrorDad's driver's license projected on the screen at CTU, and the sickly grin he's wearing in his photo cracks me up. That must be one of his less impressive "I wasn't just lurking behind the door" smiles. DaD says Kiefer's got whatever he needs -- "Just get that kid." Before hanging up. Kiefer asks Driscoll to have someone do a thermal satellite scan of the hospital's basement. Like they have all day. "You're running out of time. Save my son," TerrorMom reminds him. Yeah, Kiefer -- how do you like it? "Bring her with us," he says. "We're going to need her." Agent Castle grabs her by her good arm and drags her backwards until he impales the back of her head on the camera lens. Ow.
TerrorDad has found his way to a laundry room, where he's busy giving his son a bitch-slapping. "You're not my son," he spits. Oh, way to confuse all those new viewers. They yell at each other. It's all very fraught. "Now I don't even recognize you," TerrorDad says. Dude, you didn't beat him that bloody. Keep at it. "Will that make it easier for you to kill me?" TerrorTeen says, as if that's a really good burn. TerrorDad, instead of chirping, "Yep!" pulls out his cell phone and its signal-scrambling restraining bolt. TerrorDad gets through to ImhoTerror pretty quickly. He has to explain his current situation, which he seems pretty embarrassed about. Luckily for him, ImhoTerror doesn't seem to feel like yelling at him too much when he realizes that TerrorDad is fucked anyway. Shaky-voiced, TerrorDad asks how much longer it'll be before the other reactors melt down, and ImhoTerror explains that since American programmers are working to counter the MacGuffin, it's taking a while. One to two hours, depending on what else the writers have going on week. TerrorDad promises to hold off the fuzz as long as he can. "I know you will," says ImhoTerror, and hangs up. So ImhoTerror's not sending in the cavalry, I take it.
While Kiefer, Soul Patch, and a small army of heavily armed government agents stroll through the hospital hallways and cause any number of codes, Driscoll calls Kiefer with the news that they've located two warm bodies in the basement laundry room. Hey, remember about five hours ago when Lispy Skip said that a thermal scan for the TerrorDome wouldn't work because of all the heat interference from the nearby power switching stations? Kiefer must have turned off every non-human heat source in the hospital for this scan to have worked so well. I just hope he remembers to turn them all back on. As for TerrorDad's hiding place, there's only one way in, except for a laundry chute running from the third floor that Driscoll figures is just about Kiefer-sized. Kiefer jumps on his walkie-talkie to tell some guys to meet him on the third floor with "a fast line and a rappelling harness." I understand that CTU field teams have to carry with them anything they might need, but sometimes I feel kind of bad for the guy who has to drive the semi. Kiefer also tells Castle to "put her into play," where "her" = TerrorMom. I don't know what "into play" means yet.
Lispy Skip's got a conference room all to himself when Driscoll comes in to ask for the latest timing estimates on the down-melting nuclear plants. The figures are forty minutes old, which displeases Driscoll. Skip apologizes, saying, "I've been a little upset about my mother." Driscoll tells him to put his emotions on hold for a little longer. "My mother just died, Ms. Driscoll," Skip says. "I can't put that on hold." So I guess she did die. As far as Skip knows, at least. I wish that after Skip's mom had killed herself, DoDder would have come up to Skip and said, "Hey, what you said to me before really hit home. I had to pull a lot of strings and promise to make some dispatcher a Joint Chief of Staff, but someone's on the way to pick your mom up now." Alas, this show hates me. Driscoll, rather than dragging Skip down to the clinic where her daughter nearly died a few hours ago, apologizes for being "callous." He promises to get his shit together as soon as they're done with the impending meeting. Which meeting consists of these two plus DaD, who enters, saying, "Bring [the new viewers] up to speed." Skip explains that they're working on fighting the MacGuffin and slowing the meltdown of the five remaining plants, but they're not going to be able to stop it. "So that means we still have to find the MacGuffin," DaD recaps. Driscoll explains to DaD that Kiefer's got TerrorDad cornered at the hospital. Which DaD knows, and which Driscoll knows DaD knows, because she was present when Kiefer told him. Who wrote this exposition, Ryan Seacrest? People, quit dialing in your votes and pay attention. You're being rude to the rest of the class. DaD brings up AIIIEEEE!sha, and Driscoll says she "sent Curtis to interrogate her." Because preventing an agent's personal feelings about a suspect from interfering with his judgment is less important than keeping the black people together in the same storyline, I guess. This subplot is brought to you by The Man.
It's 4:06:48. AIIIEEEE!sha's awake and getting "hooked up" to that nifty elastic wristband polygraph that CTU has. Is it still a polygraph if it only has one sensor? Wouldn't that make it a monograph? Curtis comes into the room. "I want to call my lawyer," is AIIIEEEE!sha's opening. Curtis doesn't exactly hop to. "I do have rights," AIIIEEEE!sha says. "TerrorGringo had rights too," Curtis non sequiturs. And then he has TerrorGringo's corpse wheeled in on a gurney. He flips back the sheet covering TerrorGringo's face and AIIIEEEE!sha recoils in horror. Well, who knew Curtis had such a flair for the morbidly dramatic? I guess he's tired of being limited to PowerPoint presentations all the time. Let's hope we can look forward to future CTU briefings where the visual aids will include the steaming, irradiated corpses of nuclear reactor crews. He tells AIIIEEEE!sha that the people who killed TerrorGringo are the same people who blew up her car. "Even if we let you go, you'd be dead in fifteen minutes." There's the door! But the only one leaving is TerrorGringo on his gurney. Curtis tells her that her "only chance to survive is to tell us what you know." AIIIEEEE!sha, demonstrating those brilliant room-reading skills that have carried her so far, says, "I want a deal." "You get to live. That's your deal," Curtis snaps. Wow, that's a pretty good deal. AIIIEEEE!sha agrees to cooperate. Curtis starts asking questions, but AIIIEEEE!sha doesn't have any answers, other than explaining that TerrorGringo sent her to CTU in order to "cover his tracks" if that "became necessary." Way to plan ahead there, TerrorGringo. She was in place for, like, three hours before you put her to work on that. Even though AIIIEEEE!sha doesn't have any names that can help Curtis, she says she can get them from TerrorGringo's computer in his office downtown. But it can't be accessed externally; it requires a thumbprint ID from either TerrorGringo or AIIIEEEE!sha. "Since he's dead," she finishes, "it'll have to be mine." She doesn't look too thrilled about leaving the relative safety of CTU. Hey, just have someone bring Curtis a Thermos full of ice and a pair of pruning shears and everyone's happy.
Agent Castle hauls TerrorMom over to the hospital laundry chute where Soul Patch is helping Kiefer get set up with his spelunking equipment. Kiefer explains to her that they've located the TerrorMen in the basement, and Soul Patch is going to take her down there and have her call her husband and try to keep him on the line as long as possible. She readily agrees, happy to hear that her son is still alive. Kiefer and Agent Castle finish getting Kiefer ready to plumb the depths of the laundry chute, an operation which for some reason requires both of them to do some fiddling with Agent Castle's groinal area. I knew there was something going on between those two. At 4:10:06, Kiefer dives into the chute headfirst, hanging upside down and looking pretty limber for a guy who just got run over by a car twelve minutes ago. Over his headset, he whispers directions to Agent Castle, who slowly lowers him into position.
Soul Patch and TerrorMom take up position in a stairwell, and Soul Patch hands her a cell phone, reminding her to keep TerrorDad on the line as long as possible. Helleeeew?
TerrorDad's busy rummaging through a locker of cleaning supplies (?) when his phone rings. TerrorMom begs for her son's life, which starts him off on a rant. He must be pretty pissed off, because he's got to realize that his wife wouldn't be calling without the permission, if not at the specific instruction, of the agents holding her, for reasons that can only be to his detriment. And yet he launches into a selection from Poor Man's Robert Davi's Big Book of Boring Radical Terrorist Tirades while Kiefer uses a nifty telescoping dental mirror to establish the positions of the two figures in the room below him. Kiefer whispers that he's ready to go. He gets lowered headfirst on his Mission Impossible harness, gun at the ready, and quickly rights himself once he's on the ground. It's a pretty big room and there are shelves and lockers everywhere, so neither TerrorTeen nor TerrorDad has noticed his entrance. Kiefer unclips himself from the cables and takes up position behind a cabinet, instructing Agent Castle to reel the harness rig back in. Sadly, TerrorDad's yammering isn't so loud that he doesn't hear the even louder clang of the harness frame against the edge of the laundry chute. Kiefer makes an "oh shit" face, as if anything that shuts up TerrorDad right now could be bad. I don't think Agent Castle is going to be getting any more groinal fiddling from Kiefer on this day. TerrorDad carefully moves towards Kiefer's position, drawing his gun as he goes. TerrorDad comes around the corner to receive a perfectly-timed, straight-armed backhand to the nose that sends him sprawling and his gun skittering across the floor towards TerrorTeen. Kiefer orders TerrorDad to his feet and tells him to put his hands on his head.
In the stairwell, Soul Patch starts down the steps.
TerrorDad, uncooperative to the last, rushes Kiefer. Soul Patch hears it on his earpiece and raises the alarm: "Hostile's engaged!" Castle brings TerrorMom down the stairs after Soul Patch. Kiefer and TerrorDad grapple while TerrorTeen grabs his dad's gun from the floor. You think he'll help Kiefer? That would be pretty cool of him, wouldn't it? But before he does, Kiefer prevails over his opponent all by himself with a vicious head-butt, and TerrorDad's on the ground again. Kiefer says he doesn't want to kill TerrorDad (no shit) but he will. TerrorDad slowly gets up and interlaces his fingers atop his head on Kiefer's orders.
The Patch Brigade makes its way through the basement towards the laundry room.
Kiefer and TerrorDad just stand there staring at each other for the few seconds when Kiefer would normally be reaching for his cuffs. But, of course, they're really only waiting for TerrorDad to get shot through the chest from behind. Which he does. The bullet looks like it barely misses Kiefer as it exits. TerrorDad looks at Kiefer in horrified confusion and coughs wetly a couple of times (translation: "Kids today, huh?") before collapsing on the floor. Yes, TerrorTeen killed him. Now that he was subdued and no longer dangerous. Fucking moron. Neither he nor Kiefer lowers his weapon, and now they're pointing them at each other. "It's okay, son," Kiefer says in a tone that very effectively hides exactly how pissed off he must be at this kid right now. "Put the gun down. It's over." There's a standoff, because of course Kiefer doesn't know how long it takes for TerrorTeen to let go of a gun once he's holding one. Soul Patch picks that moment to burst in, and together they convince TerrorTeen to disarm.
While Soul Patch cuffs the kid (I guess that immunity won't kick in until later), Kiefer checks for TerrorDad's pulse, which naturally isn't there. This is the second time a vital suspect has gotten shot out from under him in as many hours. Kiefer seriously needs to consider a new arrest protocol: "Drop the weapon! Put your hands on your head! Put on this bulletproof vest! Do it now!" Agent Castle, who I'm going to start calling Agent Discretion in a minute, brings TerrorMom on into the room with her dead husband and Oedipally freaking out son. Kiefer descends on her and demands to know where the MacGuffin is. "I don't know that," she says, "but I can give you an address where much of the work behind today's attacks was done." Kiefer's right up in her grill, saying that wasn't the deal. She insists that's all she knows, and rattles off the address. It would crack me up if it were the address of the TerrorDome, but nothing doing; "It was the last place I saw the men who were going to take possession of the MacGuffin." How long ago? "Yesterday." Kiefer dispatches advance teams to the house, with instructions that nobody goes in until they get there. Sure, he's always rushing other people, but he's got no problem making them wait around for him. Selfish. "What about these two?" Soul Patch says. "Until we know she's not lying," Kiefer says, "they come with us." Everyone heads out of the room, leaving TerrorDad to rot on the floor. Presumably with his cell phone that contains records of a shitload of calls to ImhoTerror, who has the MacGuffin, and whose location Lispy Skip could triangulate in ten seconds. Never mind that! Gotta go! No time! It's 4:15:02. Don't you love it when everything from the week's preview is taken care of in the first act? It makes me feel so unspoiled for the rest of the episode.
4:19:13. AIIIEEEE!sha sits in interrogation; DaD's running another meeting at CTU where they're no doubt covering a number of other facts we (and they) already know; and…um…TerrorTeen is in the hospital laundry room. Does Kiefer know he went back? Anyway, at DaD's meeting, Curtis has been explaining to DaD what AIIIEEEE!sha told him about her needing to be present to access the files on TerrorGringo's computer. DaD asks if Curtis believes her. Curtis: "I'm not sure. The polygraph indicates that she's telling the truth. But in my opinion, she may be a sociopath." DaD asks from beneath raised eyebrows, "Are you a psychologist?" Curtis demurs, but he says he's had "dealings" with her. By which he of course means "humpin' and pumpin'." DaD asks him, "[Humpin' and pumpin'] that might affect your judgment?" Curtis denies it. DaD asks for suggestions as to their move. Driscoll offers, "I can spare an operative from the cyber unit." Since when? "And a security team," she adds. DaD asks what DoDder thinks, because somebody has to once in a while. DoDder thinks Curtis should go with AIIIEEEE!sha. Huh. Why do you suppose she wants him dead? Driscoll says she needs Curtis at CTU, but DoDder and her stupid mouth say, "Someone with experience needs to examine [the data] firsthand." What, there's nobody else with "experience" at CTU? Weak. No way is DaD going to agree with this. "I agree," DaD says. Oh, never mind. Driscoll stink-eyes DoDder, then she and Curtis leave the room. On the way out, Curtis says to her quietly, "I don't like this." Most of us don't like our death sentences, Curtis. But Driscoll says those are the orders. "Get it done and get back here as quickly as you can." Poor Curtis, soon to become a Handsome Black Agent in the field. We know how Driscoll feels about people who try to walk off the job, so his only options are to undergo some kind of horrible disfigurement, or attempt to change his race a la Michael Jackson. But I repeat myself.
Driscoll heads into the CTU clinic, where Special Agent Breck is perched on the end of a cot, looking like her cat died. "You all right?" Driscoll asks. Special Agent Breck nods. "Anything you need?" "I'm fine," Special Agent Breck lies. Driscoll says, "You understand I had no choice. You were identified as a threat to security and I acted accordingly." That is the worst apology ever. "I would have hoped you had more faith in me," Special Agent Breck says, looking her awful, awful boss in the eye for the first time and giving us a good look at her smeared makeup. Driscoll says she does have faith in Special Agent Breck on a personal level, but she couldn't ignore evidence brought to her by the Secretary of Defense. Special Agent Breck wonders what happens now. Driscoll says Special Agent Breck can go home and rest, or, if she's up to it, Driscoll can use her on the floor. After being mistakenly tortured by my boss, I think I'd hold out for a third and much, much better option. One that involved ice cream, at the very least. Special Agent Breck says she'll go back to work. Driscoll thanks her and leaves, followed by an exceedingly ambiguous stare from Special Agent Breck.
4:21:52. As AIIIEEEE!sha rolls down her shirtsleeve so she can put that flight attendant jacket of hers back on, she's explaining to Curtis that getting the computer files shouldn't take long: "Five minutes to get up to his office, five minutes to download the data." "So we're looking at a fifteen-minute operation?" Curtis says. He really doesn't want to go out there, does he? He warns her that he'll "take action" if he thinks she's stalling. She looks less nervous than I would, considering he just picked up a pair of pliers from the table. He tells her to "raise your leg. Don't make me do it for you." She obeys. You think he's going to take a toe? No, it turns out that the pliers are used to attach a locator to her ankle. She makes some noises about his trusting her, and trying to reassure him that she's feeling all helpful-like inside now, but he's not hearing it. He just wants to "retrieve the data your boyfriend hid and put you in jail for treason." She overplays her shitty hand by laying one on his shoulder. "Get your hand off me," he rumbles. She does, wondering why none of the usual stuff is working on this guy. Try "he wasn't my boyfriend." That always gets people on your side.
DaD approaches DoDder at her temporary workstation to passively-aggressively tell her that the local DoD office is shorthanded at the moment, but he can't go over there himself. She volunteers to head over in his place. Whatever; it's just a cheap way to get DoDder out of the office. After what she did to Curtis, she deserves no better.
You know who does deserve better? Lispy Skip, who welcomes Special Agent Breck back to her desk and gets a fairly chilly greeting in return. She must not be aware of his role in getting her sprung, or she'd bypass her chair and dive right under his desk. Instead, she just wants to be brought up to speed. Skip does so. It's nothing you don't already know, except that although Special Agent Breck is still pretty shaky, her ponytail and bitchface continue to be fully functional.
The Kiefer brigade arrives at the address TerrorMom gave, and Kiefer, Soul Patch, and Agent Castle jump out of their trucks to meet the armed teams that are already there. In the CTUMobile, TerrorMom shifts herself in her seat in the weirdest way possible to watch what's going on. Kiefer introduces himself to the riot-geared head of the advance team, and also disingenuously introduces Soul Patch as "Agent Almeida." I can't wait to see the inevitable blow-up when Driscoll and DaD find out that Kiefer's drafted Soul Patch for the day. They're going to be pissed. That's going to be a great scene. Kiefer says he wants to "keep this as surgical as possible" (read: keep the extras' salaries low this week), so it's just going to be the three of them going in. Kiefer and Soul Patch lead the way up the yard to a ratty stucco house and go in the front door at 4:25:06.
They find the place abandoned. It's dark, there's paper over the windows, no furniture, and not a soul in sight. "We're clear," Kiefer calls in frustration. The other agent joins them as all three of them beam their little CSI flashlights around the empty room. Soul Patch figures that TerrorMom was lying, or the place was cleared out. Kiefer orders a forensics team brought in, and squats down on the floor for a closer examination. And indeed, his flashlight beam finds an electrical outlet with a heavy-duty power cord running down literally between two floorboards. They lift up several of the surrounding boards to reveal a hatch in the subfloor, which Kiefer hauls up while Soul Patch covers him. Kiefer scrambles down the metal ladder and drops into a cellar, where he finds the power strip that runs the lights. As they flicker on, we see that he's in a cellar whose every wall is plastered with maps, photographs, and other documents. Including a snapshot of the train from the season premiere. "So that's how the terrorists got a hold of the MacGuffin," Soul Patch says. We know, already! Some of us have been here all season! You! Seacrest! Out! But Kiefer's attention has already moved on to a newspaper photo on another wall. It's a shot of DaD standing to DoDder, with Arabic writing on the wall underneath it and an arrow pointing to a photo of a house. Which could be DiCK's. Or could be the house Kiefer's under now. I don't know. But Kiefer's more mesmerized by the figure in the background of the photo of DaD: it's Kiefer himself. Goddamn, I am a sexy beast, he thinks. Soul Patch moves to stand to him and says, "They planned the kidnapping here." "Yeah," Kiefer says. It's 4:27:37. Well, not all the act-outs can be winners.
But now I see why Kiefer wanted to be the first in the house. If CTU had sent in random extras, the place would have been rigged to vaporize the second somebody stepped inside the door. These are terrorists who don't leave loose ends, after all; witness the Deaddie issue, which they insisted on resolving with deadly force rather than keeping both kids busy for the day with a stack of pizzas and DVDs. They're hardly likely to leave a place like this just lying around. Unless Kiefer and Soul Patch are the first ones to enter, in which case the force that protects the main characters also protects this valuable mother lode of evidence. Well played, Kiefer.
Gillette would like you to know that you're much more likely to get some in the early AM if you wake up your wife with your magic space-razor instead of morning breath and morning wood.
4:31:50. Kiefer scans the walls of the hideout for more glamour shots of himself, DoDder is driving herself somewhere, and Lispy Skip is still waiting to be properly thanked by Special Agent Breck. Instead, the two of them work on figuring out who owns the TerrorHideout. From a complicated list of holding companies, one name rings a bell for Special Agent Breck: Galaxy Financial Services.
Kiefer's on the phone with someone, micromanaging their filing system. After he gets off, he tells Soul Patch that they need to have The Talk. Or at least A Talk. But his phone rings again and he apologetically takes the call. It's Special Agent Breck. Kiefer doesn't seem too surprised to be hearing from the person who was, last he heard, a CTU mole. She's remembered where she heard of Galaxy Financial: she was the one who ran Grayadder's security clearance earlier, so she knows he's "a general partner" in the firm. Kiefer spells it out: Grayadder owns the TerrorHideout. He asks Special Agent Breck to patch him through to DoDder. She does.
DoDder is thrilled to hear that they've found the operation's planning center. Kiefer asks her if she's ever heard of Galaxy Financial. "No, should I have?" "Your husband's the Chief Financial Officer," Kiefer says. Actually, Special Agent Breck said "general partner," but whatever. DoDder's surprised to hear it, and insists that Grayadder had nothing to do with the kidnapping. Kiefer says that may be, but given his connection to the TerrorHideout, as well as to the kidnapping victims, Grayadder's got some 'splainin' to do. DoDder doesn't know where he is, since he apparently marched out of CTU in a huff, so she'll have to call him on his cell phone and find out. Kiefer tells her to "keep it personal," and not to give away what they know. He just wants to know where Grayadder is. DoDder doesn't say anything. Kiefer plays the "five power plants" card, DoDder reluctantly agrees to do what he asks, and they hang up. This should go well. Do you suppose Special Agent Breck was still listening that whole time? Kiefer looks at his photo on the wall. Yep, still sexy, he thinks.
DoDder dials her cell phone. At 4:35:02, Grayadder's cell phone rings on a hotel room desk. It's worth noting that his cell phone ring is a familiar little ditty I like to call "Minor Arpeggios of the Ambiguously Creepy." DoDder's name shows up on the phone's display, even though she lost her own phone in the kidnapping and is now using a phone with a 310 area code. An efficient cuss, that Grayadder. Grayadder takes a second or two to answer it in a noncommittal tone of voice. DoDder identifies herself and yammers about how she doesn't "like the way we left things between us." Grayadder is in agreement, but he was "just about to check out" of his hotel. After 4:00 PM? Also: he got on a plane as soon as he heard about the kidnapping, but took the time to check into a hotel before going to CTU? Because he wouldn't have checked into one after leaving CTU if, as he's clearly planning to do, he was planning to go back to wherever he came from this very afternoon. DoDder acts like she's having second thoughts about divorcing him, and plays him along on her little fishing line until he agrees to let her come over. "I don't want to have the most important conversation of my life over the phone," she oversells, leaving out the fact that what's about to happen between the two of them isn't even in the top hundred of the most important conversations in her life. He gives the name of his hotel and the room number. She says she'll be there "soon." He promises to wait for her and hangs up so he can sit there and look ambiguous.
Kiefer climbs out of the cellar and instructs the leader of the advance team to tell the forensics team how to do their job when they get there. Soul Patch is already outside, fiddling with his gun. Kiefer approaches him and says, "I need to follow up a lead on my own. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take TerrorMom and her son back to CTU and head up the interrogation." I need, I need, I need. It's all about Kiefer, isn't it? Soul Patch's head practically explodes in incredulity, along with everyone else's, as he points out that they're not going to let him near CTU. Kiefer says Soul Patch is the only one he can trust, and "Over the last two hours, I saw my friend come back to life… If I press hard enough, I can get you reinstated, but I need to know now: is that what you want?" Soul Patch doesn't know. Kiefer looks sad and says, "Maybe I was wrong." He walks away, then turns back, calling, "You saved the life of the daughter of the Secretary of Defense, who happens to be my boss. You do know that, right?" Soul Patch has nothing to say to that, and Kiefer continues on his way at 4:37:23. Soul Patch calls out to say with a pained expression, "Kiefer! Thanks. I'll do it." Clearly his own issues cannot stand against the impossibility of Kiefer ever being wrong about anything. Kiefer smiles and tells Agent Castle that Soul Patch will be driving his car. Heh.
As Kiefer walks back to the KiefMobile, his phone rings again. This time it's DoDder, giving him Grayadder's location and adding that she's on her way to see Grayadder right now. Kiefer snaps at his idiot girlfriend that she needs to "let us handle this," since Grayadder could be dangerous. DoDder says that they don't have a choice, since Grayadder was on his way out and DoDder had to make something up to keep him there. Kiefer says that's fine, and he'll go in DoDder's place. "I'm only a couple minutes away and he knows that," DoDder says. Actually, you said "soon," which is perfectly nonspecific, but even if you hadn't, whose fault would that have been? As Kiefer peels out in his Kiefmobile, he tells DoDder that he's not comfortable with her plan. She says, "It's the only thing he won't suspect." Kiefer won't let it go, so she finally just hangs up on him. It's 4:38:26.
4:42:39. Grayadder paces his fancy hotel digs, DaD wastes a perfectly good CTU conference room by keeping it to himself, and Kiefer is still on the road. As Driscoll enters DaD's commandeered conference room, DaD says he just got off the phone with Kiefer: "He wants me to approve Soul Patch's reinstatement. Do you have a problem with that?" Driscoll says she doesn't, "considering what he's done for us today, I do not have a problem with that." So much for that scene I was looking forward to earlier. Oh, well. Driscoll asks when DaD spoke to Kiefer and DaD says, "Ten, fifteen minutes ago, why?" I guess that's what Kiefer wanted to talk to Soul Patch about back at the TerrorHideout. Driscoll now has to tell DaD about Grayadder's alleged connection to the TerrorHideout, and the even more upsetting (to DaD) news that DoDder's on her way over to talk to him. "Unacceptable!" DaD says. "How could you let this happen?" Driscoll says it was DoDder's choice. "When did you find out about this?" he demands. She tells him it was about five minutes ago. At which time Kiefer had barely found out himself, but DaD bitches, "That's when you should have told me," and storms out. Poor Driscoll. Everyone hates you when you suck. Practice saying "just now," and see if your life doesn't start getting better almost immediately.
I guess that AIIIEEEE!sha's five-minute estimate for getting up to TerrorGringo's office was from the parking lot of TerrorGringo's building, because she and Curtis are still riding along in the back of a CTUmobile. Curtis gets off his cell phone and says to AIIIEEEE!sha, "Tell me everything you know about Grayadder." AIIIEEEE!sha, because she's an idiot and the worst spy ever, says, "Why?" See, the proper question would be, "Who?" Under Curtis's skeptical glare, she professes ignorance about Grayadder. Curtis asks the driver, "How much longer?" The driver says they're about five minutes out. I don't know, Curtis, I think AIIIEEEE!sha's stalling. Better bust out those pliers. She again promises that she's going to do everything she can to help Curtis with the investigation. Curtis appears to let it drop. For now. And then the CTUmobile collides head-on with a gas truck and everybody perishes in a huge fireball. No, not really. I just wanted to see if I could still do that. I have a feeling I'll need to again soon.
4:45:12. DoDder's on her way into the hotel lobby while her DaD is on her cell phone giving her the business about seeing Grayadder by himself. She insists again that it's the only way to keep him there, and that she's sure that Grayadder didn't have anything to do with the kidnapping anyway. Even though earlier she told Kiefer that "It's the only thing he won't suspect." Whatever; she just wants to play Nancy Drew. DaD says the one word that ensures that DoDder's going to go through with it: "I forbid you to do this." A magical word, "forbid." Chicks love it. Just ask my nine ex-wives. DoDder says she's already at the hotel and hangs up on her DaD.
Soul Patch and the surviving Terrors are just arriving at CTU, flanked by Redshirts. He and Driscoll exchange introductions, and Soul Patch introduces TerrorTeen and TerrorMom, mentioning that the latter needs immediate medical attention. Except she's totally getting better just by virtue of having been walking around for the last three hours. Maybe Soul Patch could have shaved a few minutes off his recovery time that way after his neck shot last season. Driscoll agrees with Soul Patch's request and orders them prepared for interrogation. "We've told you everything we know," TerrorMom says. "We'll see," answers Driscoll, and that's it for the Terrors this week. Driscoll holds a badge folder and a gun out to Soul Patch: "You're going to need these." That's assuming that the Redshirts didn't allow Soul Patch to bring his own gun into the building with him, which, on an extra-tight security day like today, is almost plausible. Instead of taking the items Driscoll's offering, Soul Patch sighs, "Ms. Driscoll, I'm sure you're aware of my history here." Driscoll waves it off: "Kiefer and DaD both vouch for you. That's enough for me." Soul Patch takes the accoutrements and Driscoll turns to go. Soul Patch, feeling ten kinds of awkward, says that Kiefer wants him to head up the interrogation. "That makes sense," Driscoll says cheerily. "You've had the chance to observe them firsthand. If there's anything you need, let me know." As Soul Patch watches her suspiciously, she goes off to make sure the real Driscoll is still safely locked up.
But first, she stops at Special Agent Breck's desk to say she'd like her pet employee to keep an eye on Soul Patch. Especially -- "any communication between him and Kiefer or DaD," Special Agent Breck finishes. Driscoll confirms it and turns to go. Special Agent Breck stops her: "I'm beginning to understand how things work around here, Ms. Driscoll," she says pissily. Driscoll recognizes that as the challenge that it is. Special Agent Breck continues: "You can care less [sic] about me being falsely accused and tortured. You're beginning to feel squeezed out and you need allies. That's why you were so nice to me before." After what she went through today, she wants something from Driscoll: "I want my arrest expunged…and a promotion. Two pay grades." After a beat, Driscoll says, "Done." They go their separate ways. I guess with a bump in salary, Special Agent Breck can buy her own damn ice cream.
4:47:55. Grayadder is still pacing his hotel room when there's a soft knock on the door. He opens the door and invites DoDder in. He ordered a bottle of her favorite champagne. Well, that was a bit forward, wasn't it? He fills flutes for both of them with his back turned to her, and she notices a couple of documents on a table. She sidles over to peek at them. Dammit, DoDder, you're just here to stall him, not investigate. Get back on task before you screw this up. When he turns around and seems to notice what she's doing, she puts her pocketbook and phone down on top of the papers to cover her nosiness. Smooth. They talk about their relationship and how they got here. She's acting all flirty with him. I need some Pepto. He says, "I still have feelings for you. And you must have some for me. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, right?" Riiiight. As he approaches her, he whispers, "I would hate to think you're playing some kind of game with me." "I don't play games," she lies. He hands her a glass of champagne and they toast to "new beginnings." Kiefer horns in on this private moment with his splitscreen window showing him driving to the hotel as DoDder and Grayadder sip their champagne. It's 4:49:44.
4:53:52. Grayadder refills champagne glasses, Kiefer's on the phone, and Curtis and AIIIEEEE!sha are walking through an office building with their security escort. Kiefer, who's literally sweating over his girlfriend hanging out with her ex-husband, asks Driscoll about the backup teams due at the hotel. They were "caught up in traffic," Driscoll says. At ten minutes to five? In L.A.? That's unpossible! Kiefer says he wants their guys to bypass hotel security and bust into Grayadder's room as soon as they get there. Driscoll suggests a fiber optic camera like they used on TerrorMom last week, but Kiefer doesn't want to risk spooking his competition. Even though spooking an actual terrorist is fine, apparently. Kiefer asks whether Curtis found out anything about Grayadder from AIIIEEEE!sha. Driscoll says no, but they're about to access the computer files. Since it's just over five minutes from the end of the episode, I'm sure that'll go off without a hitch, aren't you?
Sure enough, AIIIEEEE!sha is leading the security detail and a visibly nervous Curtis through an empty-looking office complex. Curtis suspects a trap. AIIIEEEE!sha lets the security team in to inspect a cavernous, glass-walled office at the end of a hallway. At 4:55:34, they give Curtis the all-clear. They station themselves outside the door to get killed first while Curtis and AIIIEEEE!sha go inside. Curtis closes the door behind them as AIIIEEEE!sha goes right to the computer. He paces around nervously as AIIIEEEE!sha successfully logs in to TerrorGringo's computer. But when she tries to open a folder marked "Company Listing Directory," she gets another password prompt. This seems to throw her a little bit. She's just about to try a second password when, right on cue, a dead CTU agent rolls into the room. Two armed white guys in suits come in right behind him, the one with the shotgun ordering Curtis to get his hand away from his sidearm. AIIIEEEE!sha jumps away from the keyboard like it's on fire, assuring the men that she didn't access the files. As a Poor Man's John Malkovich appears behind the armed men, the guy with the hand cannon plugs her twice in the chest. So she's done. Beware seeing your name in the freeze-frames in the previouslies, people. The guy with the shotgun tells Curtis to disarm. Curtis places his handgun in TerrorGringo's inbox. Shotgun brings Curtis before Poor Mans' John Malkovich. "Your name is Curtis Manning. You work for CTU. You're going to tell me how far along you are in your investigation." Yes, yes, and no. Curtis observes from the man's appearance and accent, "You're American. And you're working with the terrorists? Who are you?" His answer: "I'm going to ask you one more time: what does CTU know about the MacGuffin?" Curtis says, "Wow, that's a mouthful. Can I just call you 'I'mgoingtoaskyou'?" Actually, he says nothing, so Poor Man's John Malkovich tells him, "Good night," and Shotgun poleaxes him from behind with his gunstock. The goons pick Curtis up and drag him out of the room and into the upper left corner of the frame. I think if Curtis were to wake up now, he'd just pass right back out in shock at not being dead. In the upper right, AIIIEEEE!sha's lying eyes-open-dead on the office floor. In the left half, TerrorMom and TerrorTeen wonder if they'll get more lines week. And DaD frets at CTU in the lower right.
DoDder's quietly wringing her hands while Grayadder's yammering on about the logistics of the two of them getting back together. "Or, I could move to Washington," he's saying. "I could turn West Coast operations over to Ben Simon." So he lives on the West Coast, which explains how he was able to get to CTU so quickly this morning. It's 4:57:55 as he fills her champagne glass yet again. This is turning into one of those SNL sketches with Christopher Walken as "The Continental." Grayadder asks her what she thinks of the idea of his moving back east. She flounders. I have no sympathy for her. She got herself into this situation; the least she can do is keep up the pretense for another two minutes. Grayadder finally starts to get a little annoyed. "I feel like I'm doing all the work here. You said you wanted to talk. You're not talking." "These things take time," she excuses. So he leers, "Maybe talking isn't what we should be doing." That earns him a look of undisguised horror. Good move, there, DoDder. Have some more champagne. Obviously, if there's poison in it, it's just as slow as you are. "I can't believe you thought I came over here to sleep with you," she says, crossing the room to get away from him. "Okay, you didn't come over here to sleep with me. You didn't come over here to talk with me. Why did you come?" Grayadder bitches. DoDder says she just thought it would be nice to spend a little time together. Grayadder sputters, "On a day like this? All hell's breaking loose and you thought it would be nice to spend some time together?" I never thought I'd say this, but, go, Grayadder! "What are you doing here?" he demands. "What's really going on? Are you spying on me?" "Are you doing something worth spying on?" the idiot woman shoots back at him. He's on his feet, yelling at her. Somebody forgot who's supposed to be the cat and who's supposed to be the mouse here. She says she needs to go, but he blocks her path to the door. This is totally "The Continental." Things are getting distinctly tense when Kiefer busts through the door, gun out, and orders Grayadder to get away from her. "You set me up," Grayadder yells at his wife. Kiefer forces Grayadder to put his hands on his head. "What do you want?" Grayadder says. "I want answers," says Kiefer. "Well, I'm not talking to you," Grayadder says. So Kiefer knocks him unconscious. Um, okay, Kiefer -- first question? It's 5:00:00.
Quittin' time! You suppose anybody will still be around week?
I guess so. week on 24: Kiefer and Grayadder do some experiments with bare electrical wires, and ImhoTerror tries to evade Kiefer by firing his gun into the ceiling of a cube farm and stampeding the Dilberts like panicked cattle. Can't believe that's all in the first act.