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For you skeptics who have trouble believing all the stuff that happens in twenty-four hours on this show, take a look at real life, where an entire sixth of a network television season can air in just twenty-six hours. Yes, the poobahs at 24 or at Fox or something decided, hey, let's run the first four episodes in two days. Then, somehow, they heard my head exploding all the way from Minneapolis. And they took pity upon your humble recapper, and arranged to have a DVD of what purports to be the first twenty-four minutes of the season premiere included in my copy of Entertainment Weekly, two weeks in advance. Thanks for the head start, guys. Now, I do realize that there may be some minor differences between what's on the preview DVD and what actually gets aired. The extent to which I do not care is epic.
So I heard there were going to be some big changes on the show this season. Most of the cast is gone, Kiefer's no longer working at CTU, and he's even in a relationship now. Let's sit back and watch the intimate, emotional, living-room drama that this show has no doubt become, shall we? Whoops -- explicit violence warning. So much for that. I wonder how many Arrested Development fans tuned in, saw that, and thought, just for a second, "Awesome!"
A commuter train rolls through the predawn darkness. To the disappointment of many viewers, it does not disappear into a tunnel when Kiefer Sutherland's name flashes on the screen. In the dining car, two men look up nervously as a third man enters the car. A dark-haired man tightens his grip on the briefcase that's already handcuffed to his wrist, while a blond man at a separate table reaches into his inside coat pocket to grasp what looks like a gun butt. The new arrival sits down at yet another table. The other two men relax. Why not just stand up and shout, "We are not couriers transporting something very valuable and/or secret and/or dangerous. By commuter train." Briefcase Man peeks out the window and checks his watch.
Up in the front of the train, the engineer sips his coffee and looks up just in time to spot a pickup truck parked across the tracks. He hits the brakes, but you know it's going to be way too late. It's chaos in the dining car as everyone jerks forward, and Briefcase Man leaps to his feet. The truck must be loaded with explosives, because when the train hits it a mighty blast lights up the night, as well as the masked and helmeted face of a figure on a dirt bike. The biker, who is not NakedMandy, guns his ride to the crash site, where people are screaming, train cars are burning on their sides, and a crippled Briefcase Man is trying to crawl away across the ground. As post-crash scenes go, it's not exactly Lost. NotMandy curiously approaches a woman whose entire lower half is under a train car, but who is still able to beg him for help. Anyhow, NotMandy is more interested in Briefcase Man, whom he shoots once in the chest, and relieves of his burden using a pair of bolt-cutters in his messenger bag. The briefcase goes in the bag and the new Briefcase Man revs his bike off into the sunrise. I don't know about that. Obviously it worked out okay for NotMandy this time, but if you really want to get a particular item off of a moving train that badly, blowing up the whole train seems a little iffy.