24 S03E25

Welcome to my first movie recap. It's kind of a departure from recapping 24, in that it's twice as long and there are no commercials and there's no ticking clock popping up on the screen every few minutes to tell me how far along I am and Elisha Cuthbert's hair doesn't look like ass. But I'll adapt.

We open on softly-spoken, porny-sounding-but-actually clean dialogue over soft, porny music as the opening titles are intercut with porny-looking-but-actually-clean images like a close-up on a woman's lips, a camera lens, polished fingernails clutching the arm of a chair. The porny male photographer voice breathes, "You ready?" and the woman says, "Yeah," as we find out she's actually a somewhat plain high school student, fully dressed, getting snapped by a school photographer in the gymnasium. Not snapped like that, you pervs. The movie was just fucking with you. Just get used to the fact that when this movie isn't fucking with you, it's stealing from other movies. Or, after a certain point, itself. There's a line of other students waiting to have their pictures taken as well, as we cut to the young woman's memories of winning the state championship in soccer. Then there's Lucky from General Hospital, playing Jock #1, getting photographed while voicing over that he'll always remember "mackin' all the honeys." Ew. Flashbacks of him at parties, you know, mackin'. Jock #2 will always remember mowing down people on the lacrosse field. A red-haired nerd will always remember "The Math Club Madmen" (words you don't normally hear together in a row like that), making the "perfect fake IDs" and trying to get into a club, where the bouncer makes them into perfect confetti. The IDs, not the Math Club Madmen. This is not that kind of movie. Which is sad, especially because one of those Math Club Madmen is David Daskal from Average Joe: Hawaii. Jock #3 will always remember the senior prank, which appears to have something to do with a giant inflatable pig. And there's lots of chasing people down and giving them atomic wedgies, as well as abusing the school mascot. I don't think Jock #3 understands that "prank" is singular, or that wedgies are generally recognized as a more sophomoric thing to do. Lots of footage of students doing student stuff. Cheerleaders cheer, chicks clique, black kids wave hello and then wave goodbye because we'll never see them again, prom-goers prom, goths goth, smokers smoke, skateboarders skateboard, skateboarders bleed, everyone bonds. It's like a little video yearbook of stereotypes, set to Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure," even though it doesn't look like it's 1982.

Finally a straitlaced, vaguely nerdy kid -- your protagonist for the evening, ladies and gentlemen -- perches on the stool, pastes a big dumb grin on his face, and says in voice-over, "Matthew Kidman. I will always remember" His smile fades, and we cut to the yearbook form, where he's trying to fill in his senior quote and coming up blank. He's going to be doing a lot of that, so you'd best get used to it. He sits in the lunchroom, looking around at everyone, thinking to himself, Quick, remember something! He flashes back to his acceptance to Georgetown; winning an award for "The Brightest Leader of Tomorrow," like, nice "award," screenwriters; lots of studying; drawing inspiration from a picture of JFK (the first one) on his wall; ogling chicks in the lunchroom; sneaking peeks at saucy magazines in his bedroom

The school bell puts a stop to all this. Word, bell. Two montages in the first five minutes is kind of a lot. Matthew sits alone and mopes under a banner that reads "SPIRIT WEEK." Oh, the irony.

Now that the montages are over (for now), it's just about time for the film to get down to the serious business of stealing from other coming-of-age movies. We're at a pep rally in the school gym. Matthew, flanked by his two buddies, passes under a banner that reads "Senior Prom: Do You Have the Fever?" Matthew seriously repeats the question to the nerd on his right (named Klitz. Get it? His name is Klitz!), who doesn't have the fever. It's worth pointing out that Klitz's nerdy-ass haircut is almost the same one worn by Spawn in Season Three of 24. But back to the fever. Matthew doesn't know if he has it. The nerd on his left, Eli, has "just gotta fuck something." And now you know all you need to know about these three. By the way, Eli is being played by the kid who plays Adam Rove on Joan of Arcadia, which makes me sincerely hope that Deborah never sees this movie, or he'll be ruined for her forever. By the way, I really shouldn't count the nerd wingmen as stealing from Sixteen Candles because they end up serving a completely different (stolen) purpose here, but Eli looks so much like a young John Cusack here that I kind of can't help it. Even if I cared to.

The class president is busy whipping the student body into a Riefenstahlian frenzy by not really saying anything at all. It's very reminiscent of Joe's awful singing at graduation in Say Anything. He warns everyone that security's going to be tight, so they should do their drinking in advance. We'll see what he means by "tight security" later on. The principal -- a large, dour fellow from central casting in a suit that looks like a Sherman tank -- takes the microphone away from him and hands it off to the student council president, our own Matthew Kidman. Matt looks nervously at the crowd, which has undergone a major downward mood swing in the past five seconds and is now staring at him silently. I remember that I always resented it when they made the whole school assemble in the gym for some cheap exposition. In this case, it's about a boy genius in Cambodia named Samnang. Seems they've raised $25,000 to bring him to America and study at this school. Does that really cost $25,000? And do you suppose that something unplanned is going to happen to that $25,000? Nobody's thinking about that now, because the jocks are standing up and cheering mockingly. A video of Samnang appears on the giant video screen, and he gives a heavily accented greeting from a Cambodian village that's so poor they only have one camcorder. The crowd goes wild, one guy screaming that he wants to bang Samnang. Okay, heh. Matthew, to his credit, appears to recognize the mocking for what it is, but says nothing. Just call the Cambodian kid the Donger and get it over with.

Afterward, Matthew, Klitz, and Eli watch through a window as the entire popular crowd skips class and heads off to the beach. Matthew gets a case of late-onset senioritis and tries to get his friends to skip class with him, but they're not down with it. "The beach is for fags, man," Eli pronounces. Oh, how I miss high school. Matthew's had enough of this, and heads. Out in the parking lot, the cool kids are covering up their California license plates. Matthew says to himself, not for the last time, "Fuck it." Because, as anyone who's seen Risky Business knows, sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fuck." It's just that when they were stealing the material for this movie, they didn't have enough room in the truck for all the words and had to leave some behind. Matt gets behind the wheel of his chick-magnet Taurus station wagon. He clicks his seatbelt as the in-crowd tears out, piled into pickup beds like letter-jacketed migrant workers.

The cool-kid convoy screams past the school security officer, throwing beer cans at him and making it impossible for him to identify anyone. Matthew, some distance behind, sees this and realizes he's screwed, but he tries to play it cool. That's something else he's going to be doing a lot of. Badly. At the exit, the officer flips on his siren and pulls up to Matthew, hollering at him to pull over. Matthew guns it. I thought this kid was supposed to be smart. As Matthew watches, the security officer's vehicle gets in a head-on collision with an oncoming car, his skull rupturing in a cloud of blood and brains and glass. Okay, maybe I was wrong about what kind of movie this is.

Oops, it's just fucking with you again. Matthew has actually hallucinated that entire scene and he's still sitting in his car in the parking lot. Great.

Matthew comes home to the accompaniment of some Tangerine Dream music on the soundtrack, yet another one of the many, many invocations of Risky Business we're about to endure. A VW convertible is parked in front of the house door, and Matthew looks at it like he's never seen it before. Who do you suppose it belongs to? He walks into his house, where his parents are sitting and visiting with another couple. The other guy, Mr. Peterson, congratulates Matthew on his admission to Georgetown. The thing is, Matthew has to work on this speech for a scholarship competition so he can actually afford to go to Georgetown. The MattRents look a little uncomfortable at this remark. I guess they don't have much equity in this huge house in this nice neighborhood they're living in, hmm? Maybe they're renting. Or squatting. Anyway, Matthew explains that he's in a competition to be the student with the most moral fiber. So we already know he's fucked.

Later, Matthew is taking out the garbage while practicing his speech, the cornerstone of which appears to be JFK's "ask not what your country can do for you" quote. As if we didn't already know he was fucked. That's when he spots someone unloading stuff from the mysterious VW convertible. It's Spawn, of course, playing the titular girl door and looking very titular indeed in her clingy, asymmetrical red top. She's busy doing the hardest thing she's going to be called upon to do in the ninety minutes, i.e. looking hot and walking in slow motion. As she makes eye contact with Matthew, we suddenly realize that the connection between these two is in fact undeniable; they look like siblings. He stares at her until he crashes into the trash cans and she looks back at him, a glimmer of something in her eyes. Allergies, maybe?

Then Matthew's up in his bedroom, on the phone with Eli about the religious experience he just had. Without taking his eyes off the porn tape he's been watching (it's important that Eli watches a lot of porn, for reasons that will be obvious later if they're not already), Eli demands, "So, did you bang her?" Matthew says, "Yeah, I banged her." Eli snaps, "That's what a man does, okay?" Still on the phone, Matthew turns around, looks out his window, and has another Spawn sighting, this time in her bedroom across the way. She stretches and looks bendy, Matthew rhapsodizes into the phone, and Eli pushes him to "be a man and go over there." But then he'd miss the show, Eli. Matthew realizes what Eli's watching, and is appropriately squicked out. Fortunately, he gets a well-timed distraction as the Tangerine Dream music fades back up. Spawn is now removing her shirt, then her bra. I'll save you a rental fee; her back's to the camera. Matthew hangs up and watches as she takes about an hour to slither out of her pants, revealing a red thong and what I am almost certain is a stunt ass. Suddenly she looks over her shoulder. Matthew gasps and drops out of sight to the floor, busted. I suspect entrapment. Nobody takes that much time to undress when they think no one's watching. But Matthew doesn't appear to see it that way. Serves him right for not turning off his own bedroom light so he could peep with impunity. He peeks over his windowsill and thinks he's gotten away with it when he sees her darkened, empty bedroom, but the moment quickly passes as he hears her door slam and she marches down the sidewalk to his house. Sadly, she's not wearing just the thong any more. The doorbell rings and he ducks down again as if it's the sound of enemy fire. He hears his parents answer the door, then their indistinct voices, and his father angrily hollers, "Matthew, come down here." The movie's fucking with you again, in case you're wondering. Spawn is standing in the entryway with Matthew's parents as a heavy vibe pours off all three of them. Is that vibe one of danger, or one of bullshit? Do you need to ask? The MattRents introduce Spawn as "Danielle," who's house-sitting for her aunt, the absent -door neighbor lady. MattMom suggests Matthew show Spawn around. Spawn arches her already-arched eyebrows at him. Archly.

We're in the aforementioned VW as Spawn silently drives Matthew along an abandoned suburban road. Awkward. She abruptly pulls over, unhooks her seatbelt, and turns to face him. "What are we doing?" he asks. "Did you like what you saw?" is Spawn's first line. Well, for the unrated, "too hot for theaters" DVD cut of a movie with an R rating, I kind of expected a little more. Matthew tries to play innocent, but quickly breaks down under the pressure of her blank stare. He opens his mouth and a couple of seconds later he's shitting bricks, one of which contains his foot. Boy, that went right through him. Finally he gives up and simply says he's sorry. Spawn's not satisfied. "You saw me," she points out. Matthew realizes what she means and flatly says, "Never gonna happen."

That's a line which, of course, is like a Bat-signal to the ironic segue fairy, who the second has him standing in his tighty-whities in the glare of Spawn's headlights. Her car headlights, people; we're not going to see the other ones, ever. She's insisting on the full Monty, and he resists until she blasts the horn. He drops his unda-pants on the street and says, "Happy now?" Which is her cue to gun the engine at him. He darts out of the way and she somehow snatches the undies off the street without appearing to open her car door. She has long arms. "Yup," she chirps as she drives past his naked ass. Which could also be a stunt ass. He takes off after her.

An unknown amount of time later, he's still jogging down the street, but he's acquired an inner tube that he's holding around his waist. I don't know. A laughing Spawn pulls up to him as he keeps trotting. "You're an asshole," he observes, and I can't believe this movie said in less than twenty minutes something I've been waiting for somebody to notice for three whole seasons of 24. He says it's not funny. "It's a little funny," she giggles. He tries to get in the moving car, begging her to unlock the door. She does, and he awkwardly ditches the inner tube (if there's a way to non-awkwardly ditch an inner tube around your waist while simultaneously jogging and getting into a moving car while naked, I hope I never have occasion to employ it) and hops in. I think she likes him, if she's willing to let him pucker up and kiss the shotgun seat of her cute little car like that. He restates his opinion that it's not funny, and she insists that it's a little funny. Very little.

Now they're in a diner as Matthew watches her doodle with crayons on a paper placemat. Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Except the part where she's a porn star. That doesn't come up at all. She just says she wants to "start over." Matthew tries to smoothly bring up the subject of whether she has a boyfriend, but this kid's about as smooth as a washboard and she smiles, "Just ask me." He does, and she doesn't. "Weren't you going to ask if I have a girlfriend?" he says. That's a no, too. She thinks you're gay, Matt. She brings up the subject of his impending graduation, and he tries to play the part of the nutty, "off-the-hook" senior. She asks him, "What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" Aside from stripping in the street, nothing. "What about your girlfriend?" Spawn asks. Matthew just shrugs at that. Spawn launches into her prescription for the kind of girl she thinks he needs: "Definitely someone cutesomeone who can make him laugh [at which Matthew laughs for no reason]but he also needs someone who's going to push himsomeone who's going to make him do things he never thought he could do." She hands him the doodle she's been working on, a fairly abstract self-portrait. Now, Spawn, it's not nice to tease closeted high-schoolers.

Later, she drops him off in front of his house. He sits there while she looks at him expectantly. He finally says goodnight and starts to get out, but gets zipped back in by his seatbelt. That's good for a snicker from her, and he utters another good night as he extracts himself from the car.