So, as part of my unending commitment to you, the readers of Television Without Pity, I'm writing the season finale recap in California. Yes, I actually traveled to Los Angeles in order to more fully immerse myself -- and, by extension, you -- in the 24 experience. Sars, my expense report will be on your desk shortly.
The downside is that I won't necessarily have access to a VCR while on the road. So in honor of the season finale, I decided to make the first attempt (as far as I know) to write a recap in real time! And what better show for the occasion? Good thing I can type almost ten words a minute. Let's get to it, shall we?
Kiere fe sawubway phone Bitchelle ID saunders people station now Mrs Gael Sol ptahc blakmali…
Okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
Previously on 24: Julia Milliken killed Lady Mac and then herself. Hammer told Soul Patch he was looking at twenty years in prison. Kiefer threatened to check Spawnders into Inn Fection. Saunders agreed to help CTU find his virus couriers. The last one was somewhere in Los Angeles. Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown found the GPS transmitter in a subway station, but the virus it was supposed to be attached to was nowhere in sight. Kiefer called all hands on deck and ordered the subway station shut down. The following takes place between 12:00 PM and 1:00 PM.
The subway station. Kiefer's on the line with Bitchelle, who naturally is back at work slightly more than an hour after being held hostage by a terrorist. Kiefer explains what's going on with the virus's L.A. courier -- who we've been calling Wild Card -- being loose in the subway station. Kiefer wants to set up a way for Saunders to identify Wild Card remotely. Since we're in the season finale, that shouldn't take more than a few minutes to organize. After Bitchelle gets off the phone, she learns that Mrs. Gael is in the house. This should be fun.
Soul Patch is being grilled about what went on during his hour as Mole Patch. A woman who I assume is Rae Plachecki is tossing him softballs about how he tried to locate Saunders even as he was working with him, but Hammer cuts in to point out that Soul Patch's good intentions are somewhat mitigated by the fact that he scrambled the voice track on the call he gave Potato Face to analyze. Well, I'm glad they explained that, at least. The questioners cut to the chase: Did he put Bitchelle's life ahead of the safety of American people and national security? Soul Patch cops to it. Now I see why Soul Patch didn't want a lawyer. Lawyers and real time don't go together very well, I'd imagine. If Dick Wolf ever launches Law & Order: Billable Hours, I'm going to give it a pass.
Mrs. Gael is in a CTU conference room talking to Bitchelle. She asks if Gael suffered when he died from exposure to the virus. Bitchelle lies like a two-dollar whore. Mrs. Gael breaks down anyway. Bitchelle calls Gael a hero and goes on about how he tried to keep the virus from being released -- and who wouldn't, with his face inches away from the vial? -- but he just kept working even after he failed, as if his annual review was still an issue. Mrs. Gael tearfully thanks Bitchelle, and they clasp hands. She wants to pick up Gael's stuff. Bitchelle steps outside the room and dispatches Spawn to accompany Mrs. Gael. While Mrs. Gael is alone in the room, she spots a photo montage of Saunders on a nearby monitor. Hmm, what will she do with that information?
Meanwhile, Saunders himself is being led by agents in riot gear to Potato Face's desk, jingling all the way. He's in leg and wrist irons, you see. It's 12:07:49. Potato Face picks up her phone and asks Spawn to come help her with the remote courier ID project she's working on. Spawn tries to beg off on the grounds that she's babysitting a newly-bereaved wife, but Potato Face cares not: "Bitchelle said I could reassign anyone I wanted to help me and I want you, so please don't make me ask again." Spawn is struck breathless at Potato Face's lack of boundaries. Again. Make excuses for Potato Face all you want, but there are seventy-seven other people she could ask for help on this, and she's got no good reason for insisting on Spawn. There's a fine line between "socially inept" and "rancid bitch," and I'd say Potato Face passed it several exits back. Spawn pawns off Mrs. Gael to someone named Barry and goes off to help her least favorite coworker. Barry stares helplessly at the weeping stranger in front of him until someone approaches to ask for his signature on something. While he is thus distracted, Mrs. Gael quietly gets a really bad idea.
12:08:56. At the subway station, the CTU agents have set up several portable driver's license photo stations, because CTU is nothing if not prepared for everything. They've even got the digital cameras linked up to CTU so the photos can be instantly uploaded to Potato Face's monitor. Saunders is looking through the mug shots as they appear on Potato Face's screen, and it's not immediately clear why Spawn needed to be involved, because I can't even see what she's doing. Saunders doesn't see his guy among the passengers, at least not yet. At the subway station, a shifty-looking guy takes up position in front of a camera. Meanwhile, Mrs. Gael is walking out of CTU with a carton of Gael's stuff. Presumably still with that bad idea in her head. Barry's right behind her, for all the good he's about to do. As Mrs. Gael passes Saunders, the man responsible for her husband's death, she stops walking and looks at him. He glances up at her disinterestedly. She reaches into the box, pulls out a gun, and shoots Saunders twice in the chest.
Aaargh! How does this happen? My issues with this turn of events are legion, beginning with the chances of Mrs. Gael even being allowed in the building in the middle of a crisis like this; being allowed to get near a service weapon, let alone a loaded one; being allowed within half a mile of Saunders, and so on. But since it's the season finale and I'm feeling magnanimous, I'm going to let the writers off the hook and blame this whole thing on Potato Face. Saunders falls to the ground, and some slow-moving uniforms tackle a hysterical Mrs. Gael to the floor. Kiefer wants to know what the racket in his earpiece is all about. Bitchelle, crouched over Saunders, tells him. She bellows for medical help. Wow, she's even hot when she bellows. Kiefer reminds everyone how important it is to keep Saunders alive. Too bad they can't; he's dead. And his underdeveloped motivation dies with him. What a pity. Kiefer tells Special Agent Charlie Brown what just happened, presumably so Charlie Brown can keep his hand in. We can still hear Mrs. Gael crying throughout all of this as the handcuffs go on her. We zoom in on the image of the shifty guy on one of the monitors at CTU. I think we can assume this is Wild Card, but Saunders is the only person who knows that, and he's not in much of a position to help now. Too bad Spawnders isn't around to stare blankly at his corpse. It's 12:11:12.
12:15:25. The dead Villain of the Piece gets carted out of CTU on a gurney, Wild Card looks around shiftily, and Potato Face wonders if anyone's going to try to pin this mess on her besides me. At Division, Palmer's evilest-looking Cabinet member briefs him on the story so far. Dude, don't bother Palmer with this nonsense. He's got a lot of staring into the middle distance to do this afternoon. Anyway, since Saunders is out of the picture, Wild Card is the last order of business before they can put this crisis to bed. Palmer orders the Cabinet guy to "Find him." The entire federal government reverses everything it's been doing for the last twenty-four hours. Seriously, does Palmer really think he needs to tell people this shit? The Cabinet guy just smirks at him as if he knows perfectly well that Palmer was off loitering in a public park an hour ago.
A devastated Brother Palmer walks in, and the Cabinet guy is dismissed. Palmer asks Brother Palmer if Milliken's medicine bottle was retrieved. Brother Palmer confirms it. Palmer chirps, "Well, that's good." Being a successful politician is all about reading people, you know. Brother Palmer, of course, also has bad news -- Lady Mac is dead. Palmer, shocked, asks how it happened. Brother Palmer recaps the last minute or so of last week's episode. He's not as good at it as I am, but he hits the high points: Julia showed up, killed Lady Mac, and then herself. Palmer grabs Brother Palmer by both sides of his head. What a weird gesture. But I think I just figured out why Brother Palmer has his head shaved. This probably happens all the time, and Brother Palmer got tired of having his hair pulled. Palmer demands, "They're both dead?" Brother Palmer confirms it. Palmer slumps into a chair. Brother Palmer points out that at least their political problems are solved now. I think Brother Palmer needs to learn the difference between a silver lining and duct tape. Palmer says, "You're thinking of the politics of this? The mother of my children has just been murdered." Brother Palmer sees that and raises it with the sight of the woman he loved committing suicide. I don't think the chicks are going to be lining up for either one of them at this point. Brother Palmer tries to come up with a story they can spin about Milliken having an affair with Lady Mac, which caused Julia to kill them both, but Palmer doesn't want to hear it. Too little, too late, dude. You should have put an end to this storyline weeks ago. Nobody on this show ever listens to me. Brother Palmer tries to keep talking, but Palmer screams, "No!" That was rather unpresidential of him. Just ask Howard Dean. Palmer tells his brother to leave him alone. Both of their eyes are filled with tears at being brought so low by such a ridiculous plot. After Brother Palmer leaves, Palmer asks his secretary to get the kids on a conference call. Far be it from me to tell him how to handle this situation, but if I were in his place I think I'd find out whether their mom is still bleeding on the floor of her beach house or on the way to the morgue. Seriously, did Brother Palmer call the police after witnessing the murder-suicide, or did he and his hired burglar just skedaddle? So many questions.
12:19:32. Kiefer gives instructions to a uniformed cop and a plainclothes agent on the new plan for identifying Wild Card. Basically, they're going to break up everyone into groups of ten and put an agent in charge of each group. Then they'll search everyone who's still in the station, which is probably going to take a while. I think we can all relax now, don't you? I just hope that season they tell us how this turns out. Special Agent Charlie Brown wanders over to Kiefer with a couple of Styrofoam cups of joe and hands one to Kiefer. He also hands Kiefer the forgiveness that Kiefer never asked for, over that whole Kiefer-being-ready-to-shoot-him-dead-in-Mexico thing. Special Agent Charlie Brown knows Kiefer was just doing his job. It's good that he's figured out a way to handle what happened. Kiefer says something about staying detached (he'll be giving Special Agent Charlie Brown a hands-on demonstration of that concept later). Which is Special Agent Charlie Brown's opening to announce that he's done with Field Ops after today. Oh, he's so dead. He goes on to say that he doesn't want to be detached from Spawn or Tater Tot. Kiefer asks if he's sure, and the emotional music swells as Special Agent Charlie Brown just gets more and more dead. Special Agent Charlie Brown asks Kiefer what he thinks, and I think it's nice of him to offer Kiefer a hand in his decision. Kiefer says he's the last person to ask, but it's between SACB and Spawn and he'll support whatever they choose. Kiefer then tells him he's a good man. Shout-out? Either way, if Kiefer's going to make comments like that before this is all resolved, he should just save some time and shoot Special Agent Charlie Brown in the face right now. It's 12:21:39.
A cop herds more passengers, including Wild Card, into a line to search their belongings. Other lines form nearby. Wild Card, at the back of his line, furtively snaps open a switchblade, then hides it in his pocket. Just because you're part of a plot to kill millions and overthrow the government doesn't mean you should be careless with your pocket lining. From some distance off, Kiefer notices the shiftiness, which starts the Kief-dar pinging. Kiefer looks away briefly, thinking hard. Ah, so that's where Spawn gets it. When Kiefer looks back, Wild Card is gone. Uh oh. Kiefer asks the cop at the head of the line what happened to Wild Card, but the cop doesn't know. You know what they say about things you want done right, Kiefer. Kiefer draws his weapon and dashes off in search of Wild Card, Special Agent Charlie Brown coming along to give him a hand. What they find -- two uniformed officers dead at the foot of an escalator to the surface -- isn't encouraging. It looks like Wild Card is out in the open. And he's capable of knifing two armed and alert LAPD officers to death without either of them making a sound. Kiefer calls CTU for a ride and heads up the escalator, Special Agent Charlie Brown in a handy position right behind him. There's also a dead civilian at sidewalk level. They didn't have cops guarding the entrance topside? They were just letting people get on the escalator going down so the cops could send them back up again? Sloppy. Someone tells Kiefer that he just missed the carjacking. Concerned pedestrians are crowded around the victim. I don't believe there are this many pedestrians at any given time in the entire greater Los Angeles area, let alone concerned ones. One of the witnesses tells Kiefer that Wild Card went that-a-way, and Kiefer reminds his earpiece that he needs that ride now. Sure enough, a CTU valet pulls up in a brand-new Sport Utility Kiefmobile. Having spent a couple of days in L.A., I can assure you that the only way to get a vehicle in place that fast is to park it there before you need it. Kiefer and Special Agent Charlie Brown hit the road, Kiefer barking orders over his communicator. They're looking for the vehicle belonging to the carjacking victim, whose name they know as a result of Special Agent Charlie Brown having looted the corpse's wallet. Nice to see he has things well in hand, but what an ignominious end for the last person into this season's Death Pool. It's 12:24:15.
12:28:28. Kiefer drives, Los Angeles traffic teems on a CTU monitor, Potato Face scans, and Soul Patch's interrogation continues. Bitchelle calls Hammer out of the meeting, stealing an encouraging peek at her husband in the process. She's up to something. Bitchelle tells Hammer about Wild Card's return to the wild. Hammer is pissed, but Bitchelle tells him about what they're setting up to find the car he stole. She further tells him that the only way they're going to find Wild Card is with Soul Patch's help. Actually, I think Adam the Woman Hater has the most proven automobile-location skills, but Bitchelle is also hoping to give hubby a shot at redemption, I'm thinking. Hammer doesn't think it's such a great idea to put a confessed traitor in CTU's driver's seat, but Bitchelle insists that Soul Patch is the only person who can do it. She drives the point home: "So unless you want to take responsibility and run Tactical yourself…" Good move. That's how you get your way with a bureaucrat -- appeal to his sense of Cover Your Ass. Hammer tells Soul Patch he's needed on the floor. Bitchelle sighs as she sends Soul Patch her most powerful "don't screw this up" vibes.
The Kiefmobile is still on the street, and Potato Face has a likely match for the Cardmobile. It's 12:30:35. Soul Patch breaks in with the news that he's back in play and up to speed. That's a lot of speed to be brought up to a single minute. Adam the Woman Hater has his big season-finale moment, which consists of him zooming in on a license plate in an image from one of those traffic-cams. Woo! Bring us home, Adam the Woman Hater! Soul Patch relays Wild Card's location to Kiefer, who is only a few blocks away. Special Agent Charlie Brown spots Wild Card passing down a cross street and points his hand in the appropriate direction. Kiefer falls in behind Wild Card with a crashing lack of subtlety, and the chase is on. Wild Card's dose of the virus is riding shotgun in a black backpack. Kiefer gets cut off by a front-end loader. Isn't that just always the way? You're in the middle of a high-speed chase, and somehow some large, slow vehicle threads the rapidly moving needle between you and your quarry. That never happens when you're just running up to the store for some smokes. Wild Card smiles at his rearview mirror. And also at the fact that in the middle of the day, on a major street, his is the only car in sight in either direction. Kiefer updates Soul Patch so he can dispatch a pair of CTU vehicles to cut Wild Card off. Which they do. You know, if CTU had the power to teleport SUVs into any location in Los Angeles all along, we could have solved all of this long ago. Wild Card is still not giving up. He throws his car into reverse and executes a splendid bootlegger's turn to escape, but the Kiefmobile appears and pins him down.
Wild Card runs off the street and onto the sidewalk leading to a school, where he jumps out of the barely-stopped car at 12:32:35. He abandons his stolen ride on the sidewalk and dashes into the school, backpack in hand. The halls are crowded with students. If there's a sign instructing all visitors to check in at the principal's office, Wild Card either doesn't see it or pays it no mind. The CTU contingent rolls up, and Kiefer orders the other agents to secure the exits; they can't evacuate the school or they'll lose Wild Card. He runs inside with a batch of agents. Wild Card, meanwhile, is still running through the halls, his duffel o' virus in hand. The back exit is already cut off to him. There is no escaping CTU in the season finale, Wild Card. He heads up a stairwell. Kiefer dispatches Special Agent Charlie Brown to the auditorium. Does he smell smoke in there? I'm sorry, that was too obscure even for me. Charlie Brown is, as always, glad to lend a hand. The camera swirls around Kiefer in the now-otherwise-empty school hallway. Let's all admire him from every angle, shall we? It's 12:33:44.
There's a graphic violence warning between acts this week. That's encouraging.
12:37:57. Palmer's already off the phone with his newly-orphaned children, CTU agents stalk the halls of the middle school, Bitchelle looks pensive, and Soul Patch does his job for the last time. Kiefer stalks the halls of the school. He swings around a doorway, gun out and pointing into a room -- full of students and their teacher. Those don't look like middle-school students to me, by the way. Unless it's one of those special middle schools for gifted and talented eight-year-olds. Kiefer gives a sheepish wave and continues on his way. Special Agent Charlie Brown investigates a storage room. The room is in disarray, and could use an orderly hand. Kiefer moves through the teacher's lounge. There's a refrigerator in there with a big glass door, which might be convenient for some purpose at some point.
Special Agent Charlie Brown searches the chemistry lab, gun in hand. It's 12:39:04. A fish tank bubbles behind him. Special Agent Charlie Brown whirls, because Wild Card might be hiding in there. While he's investigating further, Wild Card attacks Special Agent Charlie Brown from behind a bench, disarming him in the process. Special Agent Charlie Brown returns the favor. Fisticuffs! Breaking glass! Wild Card making Special Agent Charlie Brown his bitch! Kiefer calls Special Agent Charlie Brown on the earpiece to tell him the second floor is clear, but doesn't get an answer. Special Agent Charlie Brown is too busy getting his ass handed to him on the third floor. But he does find a moment during his crunchy beating to hurl the backpack out of Wild Card's reach. Let's hope that vial's well protected. The machine that disperses the virus -- the Virus-O-Matic, I'll call it -- has spilled out of the bag, but the vial appears intact. They struggle towards it, dragging themselves across the broken glass on the floor, each trying to hold the other back. This is not an Adam West Batman fight we're seeing. It's brutal and desperate. Wild Card climbs over Special Agent Charlie Brown and stomps on his wounded hand. Oh, ouch. There are elbows to thoraxes and feet to groins, and Special Agent Charlie Brown kicks Wild Card away and reaches the Virus-O-Matic first. He lies on top of it. Wild Card comes over and puts him out of action with a vicious kick to the gut. Wild Card grabs the Virus-O-Matic, but he's not going anywhere with it; it's attached to Special Agent Charlie Brown's arm via a built-in clamp. For the record, it's the arm that's attached to the wounded hand. Or, I should say, it's attached to it at the moment. This is when I appreciate the fact that we saw that clamp on other devices last week, as in the ones attached to railings and so forth. Wild Card's ostentatiously frustrated at being thwarted, but he rallies quickly and activates the timer on the Virus-O-Matic. I guess he realized his options are limited so he's just doing his best and hoping for the worst. He picks up Special Agent Charlie Brown's gun and prepares to shoot him. But Kiefer appears just in time and shoots Wild Card first. Five times. Five times, I said. Wild Card goes down, as is sporting when one is shot five times.
Kiefer moves to help his wounded partner, and sees that the Virus-O-Matic has been armed in more ways than one. Special Agent Charlie Brown confesses that it was the only way he could keep Wild Card from escaping with the virus. And his lunch money. Kiefer starts trying to remove the clamp, but Special Agent Charlie Brown tells him not to bother; Wild Card didn't even try to remove it, which tells him it's not coming off. Kiefer calls up Soul Patch on his magic earpiece to tell him they've found the virus and the Virus-O-Matic is armed. Soul Patch wants Kiefer to put the device in an airtight container, but Kiefer says that that isn't going to be possible, what with the Virus-O-Matic being attached to his right-hand man and all. That's what you call burying the lede, I believe. There's not even a timer, so Kiefer has no idea how much time they have. He wants to talk to someone who has already defused another Virus-O-Matic immediately. Soul Patch promises to make it happen pronto. While they're waiting for the call back, Special Agent Charlie Brown begins the "Tell Spawn for me…" speech that is required by law in situations like this, and Kiefer comes back with the equally mandated "Tell her yourself." As this is going on, Kiefer helps Special Agent Charlie Brown to a bench where he can work on the Virus-O-Matic. Soul Patch calls back as Kiefer roots through the drawers for the bomb-defusing kit that every middle-school science lab has on hand. I'm curious as to how this would have played out had Special Agent Charlie Brown been attached to the virus in the English department, but we'll never know. Anyway, Soul Patch has found someone who can help Kiefer, and he patches them through. Kiefer tells Virus-O-Matician what's up, and that he needs to either disarm the device or remove the clamp. Unless someone hands him a third option, of course. Since the clamp is titanium, defusing is the way to go. Virus-O-Matician talks Kiefer through opening the access panel. Ah, there's the timer. And it's counting down from three minutes, fifty-one seconds. Virus-O-Matician has Kiefer cut the red wire. Oh, no! The timer's still running! And it's down to 3:08!
Virus-O-Matician assures Kiefer that it'll stop after he cuts the wire. Bullshit scare. Virus-O-Matician tells Kiefer to cut the green wire. Except there's no green wire. Bullshit bullshit scare! Excellent! Kiefer's only got orange, yellow, black, and purple wires. Virus-O-Matician says he'll have to call back, and Kiefer shouldn't cut any more wires until then. Since the timer's at 2:28, I hope he gives better service than my cable company. Special Agent Charlie Brown tells Kiefer to go. Kiefer's not going anywhere without his partner. Aw. Let's give Kiefer a hand for his bravery and loyalty. On the other hand, it may not come to that; he looks behind Charlie Brown and spots a fire axe on the far wall. Special Agent Charlie Brown follows his gaze and has the same thought: who would put an axe in such an accessible spot in a middle school? Special Agent Charlie Brown swallows his puke, then tells Kiefer to "do it." Do what? The lab is pretty well trashed already, and there's only 1:45 left on the timer. Oh, I guess that's not what he means. Kiefer insists that Virus-O-Matician will call back. Special Agent Charlie Brown says it's okay. They have a moment. The tender music tells us that Special Agent Charlie Brown wouldn't trust just anyone to cut off his hand with an axe, but Kiefer is special. The timer reads 1:23. Kiefer fights back tears and goes for the axe. Special Agent Charlie Brown removes his belt. His own, not Kiefer's. Sorry. Special Agent Charlie Brown uses the belt to tourniquet his arm, grasping the end between his teeth and grunting theatrically. Kiefer watches, axe in hand, then steps up and rests the blade on Special Agent Charlie Brown's wrist. He raises the axe and hacks off the hand above the clamp. The background music: "DAAAAAH! DAAAAAAH! DA DAAAAH! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS, MOTHERFUCKERS?!?! DAAAAAH DAAAAAAH DAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Special Agent Charlie Brown screams and passes out, his hopes of becoming a concert pianist permanently dashed. It's 12:46:14.
Kiefer runs through the hallway with the virus, demanding immediate medical attention for Special Agent Charlie Brown over his comm link. There are 19 seconds left. Kiefer rushes back into the teacher's lounge and pops the Virus-O-Matic into the glass-doored refrigerator. Kiefer steps back and watches as the vial pops harmlessly. Well, not entirely harmlessly. I think a few teachers are going to go hungry today. It's 12:47:09. I still don't see why Kiefer had to cut off Special Agent Charlie Brown's hand; he could have stuffed him in the fridge if he'd taken the shelves out first.
Commercials. Shut up, women who can't get through a Steven Tyler sighting without turning into utter cretins.
12:51:22. Spawn, Adam, Bitchelle. I'm just going to tell you right now that there's not going to be a last-minute bombshell or cliffhanger this time around. We're just wrapping stuff up. Which is fine, considering that this season has more wrapping up to do than Marshall Field's on the day after Thanksgiving. Bitchelle watches a screen, and Soul Patch walks back in and asks for a private moment. Soul Patch is back in custody. Hammer's taking him to Federal. First Division, now Federal? How many places with adjectives for names does CTU have? Bitchelle's in denial; she doesn't see how he can be put in prison after everything he's accomplished. He grabs her for a kiss. Make it count, guys. Who knows when you'll have your first conjugal visit? Soul Patch tells her she's alive and nobody else got hurt, which is more than he hoped for. He can live with it. Can he live with the cheesy Tangerine Dream synth music on the soundtrack? Because I don't know if I can. Soul Patch leaves, and Bitchelle breaks down.
12:53:41. Kiefer, already at the hospital, gets a call from Palmer. He thanks Kiefer personally for everything. The country continues to owe him a debt of gratitude. Kiefer thanks him. Palmer asks for forgiveness for the position he put Kiefer in regarding Chappelle, and Kiefer says there's nothing to forgive; it had to be done. And, he adds, it's not the only sacrifice they made today. That prompts Palmer to ask how Special Agent Charlie Brown is. Oh, now Palmer is in the loop? Kiefer tells him Special Agent Charlie Brown is in surgery, but it'll be a few days before they know if he can use his hand. Palmer wants to thank Special Agent Charlie Brown personally when he's strong enough to talk. Special Agent Charlie Brown, that is. Palmer's never not strong enough to talk, sadly. There's more speechifying. Kiefer thanks him and says he'll pass along his sentiments to his right-hand man. Then Palmer tells Kiefer he's not running for president again. Kiefer thinks Palmer is making a mistake. Brother Palmer is sitting across from Palmer throughout this conversation, incidentally. Is that the Chief of Staff's job? To sit and watch the President make phone calls? If that's all there is to it, perhaps I've been a little too hard on Brother Palmer, because he's been doing a bang-up job. Palmer asks Kiefer if they can be better friends when he's a private citizen. Kiefer says it would be an honor. But I think that's only because he doesn't know what Palmer's been up to for the past few hours. They wrap up the call. Aaron knocks and tells Palmer that the motorcade's ready. Brother Palmer helps Palmer into his suit jacket. Palmer thanks him. And they walk out of Division. Why are we getting heroic music during Palmer's Walk of Shame? Where's the shame music? I want to hear "Love Theme from Shame," dammit. On the plus side, it's 12:56:32 and President David Palmer is out of my life until the year 2005.
Kiefer thinks. Spawn arrives at the hospital. Spawn and Kiefer hug a long time. Now I know how the producers were able to afford Kiefer for the third season. Kiefer says the doctors are optimistic about reattaching Special Agent Charlie Brown's hand, because they got him into surgery quickly. No shit. People keep getting from point A to point B in ten minutes on this show, and when I'm in Los Angeles I have to wait ten minutes for an opening to pull into traffic. I've just decided that everything that happens in a given season of 24 happens within an area of, like, three city blocks. Otherwise I shall run mad. Kiefer tells Spawn he's happy for her. Do you think Special Agent Charlie Brown will ask Kiefer for Spawn's hand? She says she thought he'd be upset, but he's proud of her and that whatever choices she makes will be the right ones. Great. Two minutes from the end of the season and my brain explodes. Kiefer says there are things he has to do, but he'll be fine. He's got to leave, but he'll be back. Another hug. He stops for a longing look back.
And it's time for the last split-screen of the season. Spawn takes up space. Special Agent Charlie Brown gets operated on. I'm impressed that they shot an operating-room scene just for this. Split-screen shots of Soul Patch, Palmer, Kiefer, and Bitchelle, none of whom seem to be in the best mood. Out in the hospital parking lot, Kiefer climbs into a Kiefmobile and has himself a quiet little freak-out. And then it gets less quiet and less little. In fact, he begins to cry like an asshole. All the shit that's been building up over the last twenty-four hours of his life pours out of him in a choking, ragged, steering-wheel-pounding Emmy bid. Then a disembodied voice asks Kiefer if he's there. Kiefer pulls himself together and answers his walkie-talkie. Whoever is on the other end says that Wild Card is being interrogated and they want Kiefer's help. Wild Card's still alive? And awake? What's Kiefer going to ask him? "Please rank the five times I shot you, in order, from least painful to most painful." Kiefer tells the walkie-talkie that he's on his way. The music rises as we realize that Kiefer's work is never done. He fires up the Kiefmobile and he's on his way. It's 1:00:00.
And we're out. Big big thanks to Sars, for giving me this gig and being such a great and patient boss; the excellent Keckler and Mathra, for taping the finale for me so I could recap while traveling; the other recappers and the 24 forum posters, for the warm welcome they gave me; my marvelously supportive wife Trash; and of course the cast and crew of 24. I snark because I love, y'all. And because I get paid to. Catch you January.