Well, now that 24 has won a Golden Globe -- and Kiefer didn't -- Fox is spending a little more time and money on the before-show promos. No more "Electric Blue Kiefer." This time, everyone is in the promo: The Salazars, Lady Mac, Charlie Brown, Spawn, Palmer, Brother Palmer, etc. Scenes from past and present are mixed together to invite viewers to check out all the soapy, sexy, and suspenseful action, like Nina and Kiefer kissing; and Lady Mac telling Palmer that she can be whoever he wants her to be -- and that hasn't even happened yet. God, this show looks so much better when you're just seeing snippets of it. 24. Blip blip blip blip blip. Previouslys. '80s hitmaker Billy Ocean guest-starred as a rich, powerful man who would bring down Palmer -- or at least his health-care bill, if Palmer didn't fire his brother. Palmer called on Lady Mac for some help. Kiefer was trying to keep the world safe from the V-I-R-U-S. Poor Man's Angelina Jolie lent him a hand -- if Kiefer promised to help get the idiotic members of her family out of the country -- and helped to save Special Agent Charlie Brown from the Salazar torture squad. Hector shot Poor Man's Angelina Jolie in the head as she tried to escape with Charlie Brown. A funny thing happened on the way to the V-I-R-U-S auction: Nina got it. Kiefer had to make out with her to convince her to sell it back to the Salazars.
We open at CTU, where Assistant Vice-Principal Chappelle and Adam the Woman Hater are functioning as townsfolk in some Jacobean drama in that they are supplying the expository dialogue while the main actors change into their costumes backstage and put the finishing touches on their makeup. Chappelle wants to know if Amador is moving. According to Adam, Amador is still at the same location. They don't know much about the area because the "infrared" is "low res," but apparently it's a rural area with a lot of "bodies and vehicles" "Give him space," says Chappelle. "We want to make sure he feels safe enough to take delivery." Oh, good thing Chappelle told Adam about the "space" thing, because Adam was thisclose to jumping into a helicopter, going down to Whatever Mexico, and asking Amador what direction their relationship was headed. "What's the latest on [Special Agent Charlie Brown]?" asks Chappelle as the screen splits to reveal Charlie Brown, Juan Voight, and Little Sergio looking up at the sky. Adam states that Charlie Brown phoned in his position, and that the "Delta teams" are picking him up.
Meanwhile, over in Whatever Mexico, where Charlie, Juan and Sergio are waiting for the chopper, there are these annoying rivulets of blood streaming across Special Agent Charlie Brown's face. Now, clearly some special-effects makeup artist drew these onto Badge's face -- I call him "Badge," because that's what Reiko calls him; I'm such an insider -- and then said, "Now, don't touch your face or you'll ruin the blood!" But who the fuck would ever have a bloody face and not, at some point, wipe his face with his hands or sleeves? Because otherwise? He looks like Boy George as Leigh Bowery in Taboo. The chopper descends, and Badge totally turns away so that the wind doesn't muss his maquillage. "Captain Reiss" emerges from the landed chopper and assesses the situation. Charlie Brown explains that they have to get out of there before the Salazars realize that CTU knows where they are located. He walks over Juan and Sergio and tells them to get into the chopper. "We can't leeve her like thees," protests Juan Voight, gesturing over to PoorManAngelinaJolie's dead body in the flatbed of the truck they escaped in. "Hector is coming," explains Charlie Brown. "You need to think about your son." Aw, there isn't a luggage rack where they can stuff her? Man, that's raw! Juan Voight and Sergio get into the chopper and it takes off, assuring that an Ancient Greek curse will fall on someone's house now that Angelina's not getting a proper burial. Her ghost will haunt the fields of Whatever Mexico for years and scare children with the sheer size of its lips.
Back over at Palmerville, Brother Palmer sneaks into a conference room to make a private phone call. Palmer's chief of staff doesn't have his own office? I mean you'd think the President's brother would at least have a cubicle or something. Is this because he's black? It turns out that the phone call is being made to Milliken, a.k.a. William Ocean, III. The phone is answered by Milliken himself. No secretary. No butler. Is this the black thing, still? Are we to assume that Condoleezza Rice has to sit in some nasty windowless room in the White House right near the kitchenette where Karl Rove pops microwave popcorn every single day without fail at 3 in the afternoon? "Karl, I'm begging you! Could you please at least switch to a different brand? That fake butter is giving me a headache." "Chill, Condi. I need to keep my blood sugar up." Cheney walks by. "What are you two kids fighting about now?" But I jest. Brother Palmer has to make a phone call from a public room because Palmer has to walk by, overhear the conversation, grab the phone, and get into it some more with William Ocean, III. Furthermore, they're still at Division. And William Ocean, III has to answer his own phone, because they don't have money in the budget to hire an actress to play Ocean's secretary. "I don't want to go to war with you, [William]," says Palmer. "It's your choice," says William Ocean, III. "On any other issue, I'd bend over backwards to accommodate you. Not on this one." "Then you only have yourself to blame for the consequences," says Palmer. "And I promise you, you won't like them." Palmer hangs up and asks Brother Palmer when Lady Mac is getting there. Brother Palmer tells him that Lady Mac will be there in five minutes, and asks if he's sure about bringing her into this. Palmer points out that they're "in a street fight," and that that's Lady Mac's specialty. True, but I'm with Wayne on this one. I mean, D.C. is full of people who are unscrupulous and vicious. Palmer's ex-wife isn't the only bad seed in town. But most importantly? Lady Mac may fight dirty, but she still never wins the fight. Day One, she tried to defy Palmer and the plan blew up in her face. Day Two, she tried to bring a nuclear B-O-M-B into the country to embarrass Palmer, and that didn't go as planned either. If Palmer wants to get a hair-puller in there, more power to him. But get one who knows what she's doing, okay? And I realize that they just have to get Penny Johnson Gerald back on our screens by any means necessary, but the writers need to finesse that a little better. Palmer also points out that they are on the verge of an international crisis with this V-I-R-U-S in Mexico, so they need to have Lady Mac take care of the Milliken mishegas so that they can focus on the V-I-R-U-S.
It's slide-show time at CTU. Soul Patch shows Adam, Crystal Gael, Spawn, Bitchelle, and a bunch of extra agents a surveillance picture of Amador. And, of course, the picture shows Faggy Amador emerging from a limo with a cell phone in his ear. Just so we're all on the same page about Amador being evildoer on the go. Soul Patch reminds the agents, and the audience, that Amador represents the Ukrainian scientists. Hey, if Amador is only representing the Ukrainian scientists -- who are said to be selling the V-I-R-U-S at a discount because they just want to get their money and disappear -- then why doesn't Amador just sell the V-I-R-U-S to Al-Qaeda or whoever for the full billion and leave Kiefer, Nina, and the Salazars out of this? And since the only reason the Salazars are dealing with Kiefer is his connection to Amador, why doesn't Kiefer just seize the V-I-R-U-S from Amador, since he already has a connection to him? Why break Hartmano out of prison and all of that other crap?
Adam the Woman Hater asks Soul Patch why they don't just seize Amador already. Yeah, what he said! Soul Patch answers that they don't know for sure if Amador is carrying the V-I-R-U-S. "Once [Kiefer] confirms that it is the [V-I-R-U-S], then the Delta teams will go in and intercept it," explains Bitchelle. So then Adam is all, "Delta asked for a photograph of the woman that [Kiefer] is working with so I sent them this...." He starts to make all these clicks on his laptop and Soul Patch is all, "No Adam, wait!" It's too late. Nina's fake passport pops up on the screen. Spawn is shocked. Or rather, if Elisha Cuthbert wasn't phoning in her performances lately, she'd be shocked.
Two things about Nina's fake passport: Her alias is "Sarah Berkeley," which is obviously an in-joke about the fact that Sarah Clarke got married to Xander Berkeley. Secondly? Her birthdate is listed as May 5, 1975. I am six years older than Nina. This fact is eating at me because I'm always watching TV and assuming that these people who are out there doing fabulous things are older than I, and that one day in the no-so-distant future, my "life" is going to start and I'm going to be an international superstar terrorist who speaks all these languages and makes out with all of these fabulous guys. But no, Nina is already doing these things and she's still in her twenties. The clock is ticking! Okay, let me clarify. First off, I totally make out with fabulous guys all the time. Secondly, it's not so much that I want to betray my country and kill my boss's wife and be this international fugitive...but I want to feel that my options are open. I mean, I'm this guy who watches TV for a living. Even if I went evil, it would take years for me to work my way up the criminal hierarchy. I guess it's just all about knowing what you want to do with your life and going for it.
But anyway, Spawn is all, "Nina Myers is the broker?" Then Adam is all, "Did you read the ops brief?" Spawn is all, "No." Which is hysterical because of course Spawn didn't read the ops brief. She can't even read! On the other hand, I have to ask, who the hell had time to even write the ops brief, let alone for anyone in that office to sit down and read it? I mean, it takes me the whole week to write a report about a television show. Thank God, I'm not the guy who writes the CTU ops briefs. Not to mention, hello?! If Spawn can't handle knowing what's going on with Kiefer down in Mexico, why did they give her a job in the same office where her mother was killed? Maybe they should spell out Nina's name around Spawn. Bitchelle "N-I-N-A escaped and she's headed for Equador!" Spawn: "Who is 'Nanny'? Should I be asking our Delta teams to look out for Fran Drescher?"
Soul Patch has Bitchelle finish the briefing and asks Spawn to speak to him alone outside. "I was looking for the right time to tell you," says Soul Patch. Whatever. Spawn is all, "I cannot believe Nina Myers is involved in this!," sounding more pissy than outraged. Like Nina blew the football team and now Spawn has to share the title of head cheerleader with her. Soul Patch explains that Kiefer needed Nina's help to secure the V-I-R-U-S. "She killed my mother," says Spawn. "My father couldn't even pretend to work with her!"
Then we cut to this shot of Kiefer "pretending to work" with Nina. If, by "pretending to work" you mean, "working her tonsils." And since the "time" is 11:07 PM, it seems that Kiefer and Nina have been making out for over seven minutes. Now, that's a long time to make out with someone. I mean, it might not seem like a long time, but once you get to a certain age, you just don't kiss all that much. Because you either get embarrassed that you're out in public and you don't want to be "that guy" so you pull back, or you're in private and you just proceed to the level, i.e. sex. I mean, Kiefer is handcuffed and Nina killed his wife. It's not like he's going to be all, "Wow, this girl tastes like vanilla and wine coolers! I hope we can go to second soon!" Nina pulls away. "I'm sorry, [Kiefer]," she says. "I wanted to think you've changed, but...I can feel it." Okay, so Nina can tell by Kiefer's kiss that he's still with CTU. Did Joel Surnow's thirteen-year-old daughter write the script this week? The only two things I can tell from someone's "kiss" is (a) whether he's a good kisser, and (b) what his last meal was. Kiefer protests, but Nina is unmoved. Finally, he head-butts her, breaks the chair he's chained to, and comes at her with a remnant of said chair. "You can believe whatever you want," says Kiefer, breathless and velvety and strangling Nina with the chair. "But I need this deal to happen. I'm a fugitive. I don't have a choice!" He pulls away. Nina gasps for air and massages her neck. Kiefer promises to honor their original deal and still give her the $20 million fee, but he needs her cooperation.
Meanwhile, back in Whatever Mexico, Hector and his men find the truck Charlie Brown escaped in. Upon closer inspection, they find Angelina's dead body in the flatbed. Hector is upset. He pulls Angelina's dead body to him and embraces her corpse for several moments. "They can't be that far away," he says. "Find them!" He calls Gael at CTU, who lies and that Charlie Brown was a rogue agent, and that CTU doesn't even know where he is. , Hector calls Felipe Hartmano and demands that they call off the deal: "Angelina is dead!" Hartmano expresses his sympathies, but asserts that they still have business to do. "Not with [Special Agent Charlie Brown] on the loose," says Hector. "As soon as he gets to a phone, he'll call CTU." Hartmano tells him to get to Charlie Brown before that happens. Hector doesn't think that's possible in the dark. Harmano demands that they keep up their end of the deal, since they already promised the V-I-R-U-S to their buyers. They hang up, and Hartmano gets a call from Kiefer, summoning him into the church. "Did the woman agree to work with us?" asks Hartmano. "I'll explain when you get here," says Kiefer. The time is 11:13:20 PM.
The time is 11:17:46 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Brother Palmer stares at some papers, Nina massages her neck some more, and Spawn stares at her computer. Over in Palmerville, Secret Service Guy "Aaron" enters -- where has he been all season? And more importantly, when is he going to betray the president? -- and tells Palmer that Lady Mac is waiting to see him. Palmer gets all introverted for a moment, and then Lady Mac enters. Palmer offers her a seat, but she says she'd rather stand. She's also wearing a red neoprene coat with a rust-colored top under it that perfectly matches the rust-colored door she's standing in front of. "How are things with Anne?" asks Lady Mac. Does she really not know, or is she being bitchy? Palmer lies that they're fine. "Good," says Lady Mac. "You deserve a little happiness." "You look different," says Palmer. I guess we're supposed to assume that Lady Mac has undergone a moral/spiritual transformation that has affected her appearance, but honestly, it's the "That Girl" bangs and flip. , they have the expository conversation about what happened to Lady Mac after she was arrested last season. Apparently Palmer kept her out of jail and her misdeeds out of the papers. , they do a complete rehash of Lady Mac's entrance last season, when she convinced Palmer that she was a changed woman. "I lost a lot," she says. "But what I lost, I discovered, really wasn't that important to begin with." Palmer chuckles. "When I wanted you to pull back and let things be, you were a shark" he says. "Now that I've asked you back, I need you to be a shark." Lady Mac is all, "I can still be whatever you need me to be." She takes off her coat to reveal that her shirt is so sheer you can see her bra, and they begin discussing William Ocean, III.
Back in Whatever Mexico, Kiefer searches Nina's laptop while Nina sits by, handcuffed. Hartmano enters. "Handcuffs?" says Hartmano. "I thought you were going to gain her trust!" Aw, Kiefer and Hartmano are, like, an old married couple. Bickering all the time! Kiefer asserts that the important thing is that the deal is going to go through. He hands Hartmano his gun, for some reason. "When is it happening?" asks Hartmano. "As soon as Amador calls," says Kiefer. "We might not have much time," says Hartmano. He explains that Charlie Brown escaped. "You should have let me kill him when I had the chance," says Kiefer. Hartmano mentions that Angelina was with Charlie Brown when she died. Kiefer pretends not to understand why that would be. A strange look comes over Nina's face. "Tell Hector I'm sorry," says Kiefer. "Tell him yourself when he gets here," says Hartmano. Nina and Hartmano exchange more strange looks. Kiefer makes Nina type a Whatever Code into her laptop.
Back in Palmerville, Palmer has just finished explaining the William Ocean, III situation to Lady Mac. "So you want me to find something you can use against Alan?" asks Lady Mac. No, Lady Mac, we just dragged your ass back into the President's office so you'd give us your recipe for butterscotch squares. "I've always known that you knew things about Alan that you didn't tell me because of my friendship with him," says Palmer. Lady Mac admits that there is a skeleton in William Ocean, III's closet that she knows about. "But I must warn you, David. It's a big one," says Lady Mac. "All you need to know is that if you play this card, you and William Ocean, III will be enemies for the rest of your life." Palmer points out that their friendship is already over. "Then I can help you," says Lady Mac.
Whatever Mexico. At a portable command post, Chase gets medical attention while Dumb Little Teary-Eyed Sergio asks Teary-Eyed Juan Voight why Poor Man's Angelina Jolie had to die. Juan explains that his sister died to keep them safe. "Your sister was very brave," says Juan Voight. Meanwhile, Special Agent Charlie Brown checks things out with Captain Reiss, who tells him that CTU wants to pull back the Delta team now so that Hector doesn't find out about them. Special Agent Charlie Brown doesn't like that idea, because he's concerned that CTU will lose track of Amador and, subsequently, of the V-I-R-U-S. Riess tells him that CTU is ordering his evacuation. "I'm not going anywhere," says Charlie Brown.
Back at CTU, Adam the Woman Hater tells Chappelle that he's picking up vehicle movement on the ground in Mexico, going toward Amador. Apparently, there are absolutely no Mexican people who might simply be driving around at 11:30 PM, and therefore this has to be the V-I-R-U-S. Chappelle orders the Deltas to hold back until Kiefer meets Amador and they have a visual of the V-I-R-U-S.
Meanwhile, in Whatever Mexico, the ground vehicles that Adam spotted turn out to be black jeeps driven by men wearing black...who don't appear to be Mexican. Amador takes a briefcase from these men. He pulls out a steel cylinder that houses a greenish liquid and basically looks like one of those leveling tools you use to determine if the woodworking you're doing is on a perfect 180° angle. Judging by all the intense and crazy music, this is the V-I-R-U-S. The time is 11:26:12 PM.
The time is 11:30:40 PM. Palmerville. Brother Palmer sees Lady Mac and asks her what she's doing there. "They're preparing an office for me," says Lady Mac. Jeez. A woman who cooperated with the Middle East to bring nukes into the country gets an office and the Chief of Staff doesn't? Seriously, if you're just blackmailing someone, why do you need an entire office? As far as I'm concerned, all you need is a fax machine and some scissors so you can write untraceable notes. "I don't think your being here is such a good idea," says Brother Palmer, after hugging her. Lady Mac reminds him curtly that his indiscretion is the very reason she's there. "And I say that with no judgment," says Lady Mac. Brother Palmer makes a remark to the effect that Lady Mac is the last person who would be qualified to judge Brother Palmer's actions. "Okay, Wayne, let's not play this," says Lady Mac. "We're both too good at it." Brother Palmer asks Lady Mac to pretend that she doesn't have any goods on William Ocean, III. Lady Mac clarifies that Brother Wayne intends to resign. "David doesn't want that," says Lady Mac. "And frankly, neither do I." Lady Mac admits that she wants Palmer to have an advisor who is just like her. "I'm going to fix this," says Lady Mac with her nails. "And you are going to see that your brother gets re-elected." Brother Palmer reminds her how dangerous William Ocean, III can be. Lady Mac reminds Brother Palmer how foolish it was to get involved with such a dangerous man's wife.
CTU. Soul Patch tells Spawn that she needs to put aside her feelings about Nina. "How can I put my feelings aside?" asks Spawn. "How can my father put his feelings aside?" Spawn feels that Nina is violating the terms of her Presidential pardon by auctioning for the virus. She begs Soul Patch to promise to help her bring Nina to justice when this is all over. They are interrupted by a phone call from Potato Face. She needs Spawn. Remember the baby? "Can you do your work from my station?" asks Potato Face. Spawn says she can. "Good," says Potato Face. She introduces Spawn to "Angela," her baby, and makes Spawn take care of Angela while she runs off to perform some Whatever Technology tasks.
Whatever, Mexico. Nina is at her laptop doing Whatever. She whispers to Hartmano that Kiefer is still working with CTU and setting him up. Hartmano maintains that he already checked Kiefer out. "Stop undermining this deal," he warns her. The phone rings. It's Amador. Kiefer has Nina answer it on speakerphone, but threatens to have Hartmano kill her if she makes a wrong move. "I have the product," says Amador. "Are you ready to show me your account?" When Nina transfers the money, Amador gives Nina a meeting place to hand over the virus in an hour and ten minutes. Hartmano is satisfied. He says they'll leave as soon as Hector arrives.
Meanwhile, Faggy Amador puts the V-I-R-U-S away in his car and calls someone to tell them -- in some Slavic language -- that he has the V-I-R-U-S, and that the exchange will occur within the hour.
Meanwhile, Adam the Woman Hater is tracking Amador, and determines that he's moving eastward. Crystal Gael wants to send the Delta Team in to grab Amador and the V-I-R-U-S. Soul Patch is determined to wait for Kiefer to send them confirmation. "The Salazars are watching him," points out Gael. "It's not like he can make a phone call." "I don't know," says Soul Patch. "I'll find a way."
The time is 11:43:06 PM. Brother Palmer thinks it's about time the White House informed the Mexican government about the troops on Mexico's soil. Palmer doesn't want to risk compromising the operation. Secret Service Guy enters again and tells Palmer about another phone call. The phone rings. It's William Ocean, III, calling to warn the President to pull Lady Mac off him. Palmer senses that William Ocean, III is scared. "[William] is at is most dangerous when he's scared," says Brother Palmer. Palmer takes Brother Palmer's advice and places a call to the ambassador of Mexico to warn him about the V-I-R-U-S. Palmer then goes into Lady Mac's office and informs her that William Ocean, III is already upset. He hears her mention a place called "Chagrin Falls," and asks about the dirt she has dug up. Lady Mac refuses to elaborate.
Whatever Mexico. Hector enters the church where Kiefer is hiding with Hartmano and Nina. He's clearly still perturbed, so Kiefer assures him that he doesn't need to keep looking for Special Agent Charlie Brown because CTU wouldn't even be able to get down there quickly enough to prevent the deal anyway. "Why is she tied up?" asks Hector, seeing Nina. He pulls his brother aside and warns Hartmano that they should nix the deal, because something is not right. Hartmano says that they don't have a choice, because the buyers are already in place. Kiefer surreptitiously dials Bitchelle on a cell phone so that she can listen in. He says out loud that they are meeting Amador at the location. Hector still expresses his reluctance, but Harmano orders Hector to follow his command. Hartmano asks for the cell phone, and Kiefer is forced to hang up on Michelle. Yet Soul Patch has heard enough information to send the Delta teams into position and set up a quarantine zone in case the V-I-R-U-S gets out there in the exchange.
Captain Reiss gets the coordinates for the Amador exchange from Crystal Gael and readies his men. Charlie Brown asks why they are staying so far from the location. Reiss explains that they will send one forward observer to confirm the V-I-R-U-S, but will hold the combat troops back. Charlie volunteers himself to be the forward observer. Reiss agrees and sets him up.
Hector continues questioning his brother about the security of the deal. Hartmano reminds Hector that it was Kiefer who broke him out of prison. "We're gong to do the deal now," says Hartmano. He demands that Hector to follow his orders as usual. Kiefer loads Nina into the car. "You can't control this, [Kiefer]," she says to him. The time is 11:50:48 PM.
The time is 11:54:57 PM. Spawn tries to take care of Tator Tot, but she can't stop crying (the baby, not Spawn). "What did you do to her?" asks Potato Face, coming back to her desk.
Bitchelle and Soul Patch brief Chappelle on what they learned from Kiefer's call. "What the hell is that?" exclaims Soul Patch, hearing a baby cry. Chappelle goes upstairs to the Field Ops office to reprimand Potato Face. He suspends her, but Bitchelle reminds him that they need Potato Face to take care of the Whatever Technology in Mexico. Bitchelle suggests that they deal with Potato Face's child-care problems some other time. Chappelle tells Potato Face to have Spawn watch Tator Tot.
Whatever Technology. Suited up in camouflage gear, Special Agent Charlie Brown maps his and the commando teams' positions with Reiss.
Kiefer and the Salazars pull up to the house where their guards are posted. Hector is alarmed because there are not enough men. Hartmano accuses Hector of chickening out, and the two argue. Kiefer says that they have to be at Amador's meeting place very soon. Hector yells that the deal is off. Hartmano assures Hector that they need to follow through, because they will lose the respect of all the buyers they promised the virus to if they don't. Hector disobeys Hartmano and orders his guards to leave. Hartmano shoots Hector in the back. Kiefer and Nina are stunned. The time is 11:59:58...11:59:59...12:00:00 AM.