Day Three: 9:00 PM -- 10:00 PM

Promo with electric blue Kiefer and electric blue Spawn. 24. Previouslys. Soul Patch and Kiefer, via videotape, brief the president about V-I-R-U-S II: Electric Flu-aloo, and how everything up until that point was a big lie designed to get Kiefer in good graces with the Salazars and intercept an even deadlier V-I-R-U-S. Meanwhile, Salazar brothers Hector and Felipe Hartmano struggle with the notion of trusting Kiefer ever again after all he did to the Salazars. Turns out they don't even know half of what he did. Clowdy-Ah, for instance. She's pissed off because he betrayed her too. He was supposed to take her away back when he was undercoverbut he didn't. Special Agent Charlie Brown has blown off CTU to rescue Kiefer, and is only making things worse for Kiefer undercover. And Kiefer's spywatch with built-in homing device got broken, so CTU has no idea how the mission is going. Or where to send the assault teams. The following takes place between 9:00 PM and 10:00 PM.

So first we open on this dinky little glass room. It looks like the room at the DMV where you had to take the written exam for your learner's permit. It's filled with suit-wearing extras with press passes dangling around their necks. Some guy who looks like he belongs to some wing of the military takes the podium. He introduces Palmer and informs the press that Palmer will be making a statement but not answering any questions afterwards. Palmer steps up and explains that he had to stop the debate earlier because he had to go handle a "national security threat." He stops short of giving any details of this national emergency, but promises that more will be explained in a "few hours." "Let me assure you," he concludes, "that the danger that existed a few hours ago has now passed. America is safe. The American people are safe." He apologizes to Senator Keeler and the debate spectators for the cancelled debate, and promises to reschedule it. After he says "good night," the reporters start yelling questions at him despite their being told he wasn't answering questions. He ignores the crowd and walks out of the room, but one voice rises above the crowd: the voice of a female reporter. Another girlfriend of Joel Surnow? "There's a rumor that this crisis was manufactured by your administration to protect your friend Dr. Anne Packard," says the redheaded reporter. "How do you respond to that?" Palmer doubles back and tells the reporter that those allegations are false, and he has proof that "comes directly from Anne Packard's ex-husband." Of course, he neglects to mention that Anne Packard's ex-husband is now Anne Packard's late ex-husband. Is that news yet? "Anne Packard is an individual with the utmost integrity," says Palmer, as Brother Palmer scowls guiltily in the corner. "She didn't deserve this."

Back at CTU, Soul Patch is on the phone. And he's doing something that annoys me. 24 doesn't do this very often, but other TV dramas do this, and it bugs. I am referring to the fact that Soul Patch is on the phone with someone whose identity we don't know, expositing the latest plot twist for the benefit of viewers who might not have been watching last weekor need reminding. I'm totally on board with the fact that sometimes shows need to hold viewers' hands to guide them along a difficult plotline -- and in this case it's perfectly understandable, since we've been on break since mid-December -- but I wish we knew who Soul Patch was talking to. This is supposed to be a top-secret plan, and it seriously sounds like he's breaking Kiefer's cover to the head of IT or something. So as Soul Patch explains to the mystery caller that they've lost touch with Kiefer's "responder," Bitchelle watches him with concern. Soul Patch tries to get Gael to amplify the Whatever Technology so they can read Kiefer's weakened signal, but Gael points out that they're getting no signal, as opposed to a weakened signal. "What do we think happened here?" asks Soul Patch. "There's a strong possibility that Kiefer's cover might have been blown," says Bitchelle. Soul Patch argues that there's no indication that Kiefer's been found out. "Maybe he's in a place where he can't get a signal, or the transponder's been broken," suggests Soul Patch. "Partial damage might have knocked it to another frequency," says Crystal Gael. Soul Patch orders Bitchelle to do a Whatever Scan. Bitchelle is already running one, and she's getting nothing. Soul Patch walks over to Spawn's desk and tells her to run a Whatever Scan as well. "What's the signature?" asks Spawn, referring to a Whatever Technology code she'll need to run the scan. "I already told you," says Soul Patch. "Thirty over five!" "You didn't tell me," says Spawn. Soul Patch accuses her of being frazzled due to her father's predicament, and orders her to "focus." Spawn does that thing that everyone does who has ever had a difficult boss: she sucks it up. But Bitchelle is watching.

Whatever, Mexico. A caravan of utility vehicles containing the Salazar crew comes to a stop in the middle of a deserted road, in front of what looks like a suburban split-level ranch house. Everyone gets out of their vans. Even Special Agent Charlie Brown is pulled out of the van for no reasonwell, other than to scowl homoerotically at Kiefer. "Why are we stopping?" asks an anxious Hector. Felipe Hartmano explains that it doesn't look like they are being followed. Apparently they are cruising around, anticipating that Special Agent Charlie Brown's presence is a harbinger of more agents to come. And since no agents have followed Charlie, Hartmano concludes that he came alone to rescue Kiefer without back-up. "How sad," says Hartmano. "Doesn't it bother you that your partner is going to die trying to save you?" "Breaks me up," says Kiefer sarcastically. Although the sarcasm is for the benefit of the Salazars. In subtitled Spanish, Hartmano orders one of his thugs to beat the truth out of Special Agent Charlie Brown and then kill him. Charlie Brown is escorted off-camera. Hector's cell phone rings. It's Amador, the faggy auctioneer. "Where are you?" asks Hector. "Put Kiefer on the phone," he says. "I only deal with him." While a split screen reveals Special Agent Charlie Brown being taken to a shed by a Salazar goon, Kiefer takes the phone and makes arrangements to meet Amador at some Whatever Location of Amador's specification in fifteen minutes. Kiefer relates the plan to the Salazars, and Hartmano takes his phone back. "What if he calls back?" asks Kiefer, obviously wanting to hang on to it. "I'll take a message," says a deadpan Hartmano. Noticing that Kiefer has the shakes, Hartmano gets him some "pills," which I assume to be methadone or some sort of tranquilizer. "I need to use the bathroom," says Kiefer, shaking. It's about time he had to go. For some reason, even though this is a random location where they stopped, Hartmano directs him to a bathroom in the back of the ranch house.

The time is 9:07:20 PM. Back at the Rancho Narcotico, Poor Man's Angelina Jolie is putting her brother Sergio to bedin this abandoned farm house they just arrived at. The place is freshly painted -- both inside and out -- and dust-free, and they never showed them breaking inor even opening a door to enter. Anyway, as Angelina tucks Sergio in, who isn't tired, he asks where Hector is. "He's busy," she says. "You'll see him tomorrow morning. Now go to sleep." And like the good underdeveloped child character that he is, Sergio closes his eyes and literally falls asleep. As she walks out of the room -- a room whose door is merely a curtain, mind you -- Kiefer grabs her and tells her to sit down. "I need you to listen to me," says Kiefer, checking to see that little Sergio is asleep. He is, and apparently that curtain will totally muffle the urgent conversation they are about to have, and therefore Sergio will not wake up. Kiefer spills the beans about this true reason for coming to Whatever Mexico. "You are still with CTU?" asks Angelina. As if CTU is a talent agency, like CAA. Kiefer explains that the prison break was part of his scam to infiltrate the Salazars. "You betray us once, then you come back to betray us again?" says Angelina. "Them, not you," says Kiefer with velvety assurance. Once again she bitches about the fact that he promised to help free her and her immediate family from the Salazars. Kiefer explains that he intended to, but when he heard about the new V-I-R-U-S, his priorities shifted. "Millions of lives are at stake, you have to understand that," says Kiefer. "But I can get you out now -- you, Sergio and your father." He asks her to get him a cell phone so he can call CTU and let them know he's okay, and he asks her to do all she can to help Special Agent Charlie Brown. "I'll do what I can," says Angelina. They make out. A lot. Like, you can practically see spit trails and everything. "If you're lying to me again," says Poor Man's Angelina Jolie, "I'll kill you myself."

The time is 9:10:08 PM. Back at that shed, some new Salazar henchman is trying to extract information from Special Agent Charlie Brown. This new henchman, incidentally, looks like what would happen if porn star Ron Jeremy and painter Diego Velazquez had a child together in a Crisco factory. And they're really trying to bring in the HoYay. Special Agent Charlie Brown's hands are tied, and he's strapped to the rafters above. Some guy is assisting Ron Jeremy, and his biceps bulge as he turns the crank that pulls Special Agent Charlie Brown's arms higher. I'm sorry, but I'm just not turned on. In fact, I'm channeling the Sally Field mini-series Sybil. And that wasn't a sexy movie -- at least not after the Brad Davis character disappeared. They beat him with a metal object, and Charlie's screams can be heard from the front lawn of this farmhouse where Kiefer is standing with Hartmano. "About your partner," says Hartmano. "You must be feeling something." Avoiding eye contact with Hartmano, Kiefer is all, "I have a $50 million payday when this all goes down." Or maybe he said "fifteen." I can't really tell. The Fox recaps say "fifteen," but that seems like a paltry sum of money to sell your country out for. I mean, it's not like Kiefer is a member of Al Qaeda who has never known what indoor plumbing is like. And even those people were offered $20 million to give up Osama Bin Laden. Kiefer maintains that Special Agent Charlie Brown is "on his own." "Is he as tough as you?" asks Hartmano. "He still believes in the lie," says Kiefer. "That what he's doing has purpose."

Back in the master bedroom of Casa Abandoito, Hector is changing his clothes. Um, when did they have time to unpack, let alone get everyone's luggage up to their rooms? And another thing? Hector looks really hot with his shirt off. I'm not sure I'm even supposed to be admitting this. "Where are you going?" asks Angelina. "Don't leave!" She makes out with him, and while he is in the throes of ecstasy, she surreptitiously grabs his cell phone. They go outside together where Kiefer and Hartmano are waiting. She tries to get close enough to Kiefer to hand him the phone. He can even see it in her hand. But she's stopped by Hector, who has just noticed that his phone is missing. He asks her to go inside and fetch it for him. I knew that wouldn't work. What doofus leaves his house without checking to see that he has his cell phone? Especially when there's a billion-dollar deal in the making. I check to see that I've got my cell phone when I go do laundry, for Christ's sake. Bad plan, Angelina, bad plan! Hector orders everyone into the car while they wait for his cell phone. Without any means of communication with CTU, Kiefer has no choice but to get into the utility vehicle and listen to the screams of Special Agent Charlie Brown. The time is 09:12:49 PM.

The time is 09:17:03 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Palmer works at his desk, Kiefer drives to go meet Amador, and Adam the Woman Hater stares at his computer. Back on the floor of CTU, Potato Face enters and seems to be making her way to the other side of the room. Spawn stops her and asks her if she's heard from Special Agent Charlie Brown. You see, it's not that big a deal that her father is on an undercover mission and could be totally dead, but Spawn's boyfriend of three months is down there too and that takes priority. "Are there alternate frequencies he might use to contact you?" asks Spawn. "Yeah," says Potato Face. "And they're on auto scan. He hasn't checked in." "Maybe we can reach him by satellite," says Spawn. "Satellite! Good idea! I didn't think of that," says Potato Face sarcastically. I love Potato Face right now. "You don't have to be sarcastic," says Spawn. "This is someone that I care about!" "Get a grip," says Potato Face, exiting.

Soul Patch enters, talking to another anonymous person on his cell phone. Spawn asks him for the format code that he forgot to give her earlier. He tells her a code, but she identifies it as the "old" code. Realizing his mistake, he gives her another code. Spawn gives the code to Adam the Woman Hater, who complains about the "eight minutes" they wasted by not having a current code. She types in the code and gets access to the documents she needs. "That could have been a disaster," says Adam the Woman Hater. "Without those files, we can't track the rescue teams." Spawn watches Soul Patch walk across the floor, his neck bandage clearly visible, as frantic xylophone music plays in the background. Bitchelle is also watching Soul Patch. Shut up, frantic xylophone.