Shout-out to 2chacha for this episode title.
Previouslies. Brother Palmer needles Palmer about being involved with another Sherry. Dr Anne's ex-husband calls Dr. Anne and offers her documents that prove her innocence. Special Agent Charlie Brown calls Spawn to tell her that he's found Kiefer's whereabouts -- a small town in Northern Mexico called Las Nieves. SalazAir lands at Rancho Narcotico, and it's revealed that Kiefer is in cahoots with Hector -- that's why Hartmano wasn't allowed to kill him aboard de plane. Soul Patch signs himself out of the hospital and arrives back at CTU just in time to stop the torture of Gael and reveal their master plan. Bobby Ewing steps out of the shower and reveals that his death was all a dream of Pam's. Roseanne and Jackie win the lottery.
CTU. Everyone is filing into the conference room to hear the latest bit of news. Chappelle is following Soul Patch into the conference room and giving him a hard time. Okay, so why is it that we're supposed to bite our nails whenever Chappelle appears onscreen, like he's like your parents who have gotten home from a trip to Florida and you just better make damn sure that you've cleaned up after that crazy party you had the night before? Because, when you really think about it, Chappelle, who is supposed to be their boss, hasn't done squat to anyone at CTU despite the fact that no one in this insane office has followed any of his orders. Ever. He may as well be a substitute teacher. He's Colonel Klink on Hogan's Heroes. They shot him with a tranquilizer dart last year and he relieved Bitchelle and Soul Patch of his duties for, what, an hour? He's never punished Kiefer, even though he's Kiefer's superior and Kiefer has done his renegade agent routine twice now (and I'm not even including what's happened recently). So you gotta wonder why Soul Patch is even bothering to explain the details of the secret sting operation when they could simply lock him in a closet for the sixteen hours to get him out of their hair and suffer absolutely no consequences. Nevertheless, Chappelle wants to know what kind of "game" they're all playing, and Soul Patch explains -- really more for the benefit of any viewers who weren't paying attention last week -- that he, Kiefer, and Crystal Gael have been planning this secret sting operation for a month now. "I'm your boss, you should have told me first," says Chappelle, with all the authority of a country club lifeguard telling a trustee's son to stop running by the pool. Soul Patch explains that all will be revealed once he explains everything to the president. "After that if you feel I've acted inappropriately," says Soul Patch, "you can do what you gotta do." "I will," says Chappelle. Whatever. Potato Face hands Soul Patch the phone. "The President's coming on the line," she says. It's her only dialogue this episode.
Over at Division, where I assume the President is still situated, Palmer informs Soul Patch that his Chief of Staff, Brother Palmer, is also in the room. He demands an explanation from Soul Patch as to what is going on. "Kiefer wanted to fill you in himself," says Soul Patch. "Kiefer is a fugitive from the law," says Palmer sternly. "There's a video file you should see," says Soul Patch, directing the President to a video message uploaded to one of the President's servers which Kiefer made previously to explain the sting operation to the president, and by extension, the audience. And needless to say, the video message uploads flawlessly without a hitch, which totally always happens. According to a freshly scrubbed, videotaped Kiefer, the Salazars don't have the Cordilla Virus. Oh? Then how did that first drug dealer die? And what's up with all of those dead bodies that Juan Voight had to bury during Episode One? "The idea that they are is part of a lie which I promoted in order to achieve a more important goal," says Kiefer. Apparently a dangerous group of Ukrainian scientists are in possession of a weaponized virus, which, apparently, is the most lethal virus ever made. Kiefer was only able to get their interest by mentioning the Salazars, who apparently are known for having cash and credibility. Kiefer was only promoting the Salazars' ownership of the Cordilla Virus in order to weed out the Ukrainians who are trying to sell the virus on the open market, and then seize the virus while the sale was taking place. He offered the Salazars up as buyers and then convinced the Salazars that he had switched sides by breaking Hartmano out of prison. "Mr. President, I'm sorry for deceiving you, but I assure you it was a benign deception," says Kiefer, explaining that they kept this a secret from everyone in order to protect the President from exposure should anything go wrong. He subsequently asks for military back-up to take possession of the virus and keep it from their enemies.
The videotape ends, and Soul Patch asks the president what he thinks. "Keeping me in the dark on a matter of national security is inexcusable," says Palmer. "Where is Kiefer now?" "In Northern Mexico," says Soul Patch, requesting his permission to activate the military interdiction plan now that Jack is setting up the aforementioned meeting between the Salazars and the Ukrainians. The President, resentful of having no choice, reluctantly grants his request. "Even if this plan works flawlessly, you haven't heard the last of this," he says to Soul Patch. Uh, yeah we have. This is 24. No one ever gets punished. They hang up, and Palmer turns to Brother Palmer and bitches about decisions being taken out of his hands. "Some decisions you want to keep as far away from as you can," says Brother Palmer. "Kiefer had no right to keep me out of the loop," says Palmer. "I disagree," says Brother Palmer, reminding Palmer that, although he can always punish Kiefer later, "he did do the right thing."
Back at CTU, everyone files out of the conference room -- Adam the Woman Hater, Spawn, Gael, Bitchelle -- and they all look really pissed. I mean, I get pissed off at work when I'm told that the project I've been working on has been scrapped and all my hard work has been for naught. I can't imagine what they feel like, having just worked their asses off to find Kontagious Kyle when it turns out he was just a red herring. Bitchelle looks especially pissed off, and who can blame her? She's married to Soul Patch and he totally kept her in the dark. Soul Patch asks to set up some Whatever Technology, which she agrees to do before she does the Bitchelle Stomp out of there, leaving Soul Patch alone in the conference room with Chappelle. "I'm not sure this is going to work out well for you," says Chappelle. Soul Patch tells him that he doesn't need him looking over his shoulder. "You work for me," says Chappelle. "You don't give orders, you take them." Soul Patch threatens to tell the president that Chappelle is trying to inject some "bureaucratic squabbling" into the plan. Chappelle backs down, but warns Soul Patch that he'll "be watching." Chappelle exits. Soul Patch grabs his head, still weakened from the surgery. Bitchelle watches helplessly from outside the office.
We return to what the screen now says is "Las Nieves, New Mexico." At Rancho Narcotico, Hartmano is sipping coffee in the fabulous kitchen complete with stainless steel-paneled double door refrigerators and cherry wood paneling. Kiefer and Hector enter. "Are you ready to listen?" asks Hector. "Tell me the reason why the man who betrayed us is now our friend?" asks Hartmano. Hector explains that Kiefer came to them with the opportunity to make "more money than [they've] ever dreamed." He says that Kiefer informed them about a virus created by Ukraine scientists coming on the market. "All dey want to do is make their money and disappear," says Hector. Hartmano laughs at their asking price, which is $100 million until Hector tells him that Al Qaeda and North Korea are willing to pay ten times that amount. Um, isn't the whole point of terrorism that you're essentially this disenfranchised Third World country that doesn't have the same kind of resources that a superpower like the U.S. has, so you have to be sneaky and do things on the cheap? You know? Using American planes as bombs to destroy American landmarks? If Al Qaeda and North Korea had an extra billion dollars lying around, they really wouldn't be considered terrorist Third World groups anymore; they'd simply be viable military forces. Or am I high? "How do we know this virus is real?" asks Hartmano. "The Ukrainians gave us a demonstration," says Hector. Which I guess explains the pile of dead bodies that Juan Voight had to bury, but if all those people were infected with this highly contagious virus, doesn't that mean that the Salazars are already pretty much in possession of said virus? "Kiefer delivered one of the bodies to health services in L.A.," says Hector. "He used it to scare the Americans into letting you out of prison." Okay, another thing. If the Ukrainians demonstrated this other virus for the Salazars and that was what infected the body that Kiefer had dropped of at health services, then why did Dr. Hazel Mat proclaim that it was the Cordilla Virus?
Kiefer explains that the scientists aren't far from here. He's supposed to call their representative, a man named Michael Amador, during the episode…I mean, during the "hour." "What's in it for you, Kiefer?" asks Hartmano. "Fifty million dollars," says Kiefer. "A few years ago my wife was killed because of my job. My daughter has never been the same since. I'm tired of putting my ass on the line for nothing. I'm done putting my ass on the line for nothing." Hartmano thinks about this for a moment. "Eef you don't want to go through with eet," says Hector, putting his gun down on the table, "go ahead, blow him away. But just remember, you're blowing away a billion dollars." Hartmano grabs the gun and fires it at Kiefer. Hector grabs his arm and misdirects the bullet. Kiefer flinches. Hartmano insists that he is the leader of the Salazar family. Hector insists that he is owed respect, because he was the one that arranged for Hartmano's prison release. Kiefer reminds them that time is of the essence. "You can either shoot me or let me make the call," he says. The time is 8:10:07 PM.
The Time is now 8:15:47 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer has the shakes, Hartmano sips some more coffee, and Palmer stares a hole in the wall. Meanwhile, at CTU, Soul Patch is rebriefing the agents. He shows them a map of what Kiefer's Whatever Technology watch has given as his location: "Somewhere east of Los Nieves just south of the border." Apparently the satellite photo shows that it's "some sort of ranch/farm." He orders Chloe and Special Agent Charlie Brown to "provide tactical assistance." At the mention of Charlie's name, Soul Patch realizes that he's not around. "Where is Charlie Brown anyway?" he asks. Spawn gets this really uncomfortable look on her face as Bitchelle explains that Chappelle ordered Charlie back over an hour ago. Soul Patch concludes the briefing session by reiterating that all of their resources should be devoted to helping Kiefer intercept Virus Two: Electric Flu-aloo. Everyone gets back to work, except Spawn, who pulls Soul Patch aside to tell him that Charlie Brown isn't coming back. "Charlie still thinks my father was captured by the Salazars," says Spawn. "And he thinks he's going in to rescue Kiefer," says Soul Patch, who heads for the nearest phone to call him back to CTU. "You won't be able to reach him," says Spawn. "He's gone dark." You heard it here first, kids. Special Agent Charlie Brown is unreachable because he's having sex with a black man.
The time is 8:16:43 P.M. In a guest bedroom, Kiefer lies on a bed and sweats. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that whole "heroin withdrawal" thing. Poor Man's Angelina Jolie enters with a tray. "I thought you might be hungry," she says for the benefit of the guard who is escorting her. Once the guard leaves, she slaps Kiefer across the face. "Look at you," she says. "You're pathetic." She then launches into a litany of misdeeds he's caused her. "You said you'd take me away from here. Do you remember?" "I meant everything I ever said to you," says Kiefer, now totally lucid and sweat-free. "You were doing a job," retorts Angelina. "You betrayed Hector and Ramon, you betrayed me and now you've betrayed your own people. You're a man without a soul." "Does Hector know about us," asks Kiefer. "I wouldn't be alive if he did," says Angelina. "You need a fix don't you? There's plenty here." Kiefer resists the heroin as steadfastly as he resists Angelina's sexual advances. Angelina goes on for several more minutes about how Kiefer used to be man who was true to himself before she thankfully leaves and cuts this scene short. Alone, Kiefer doubles over and resists the temptation of sweet Lady H.
Meanwhile, back at CTU, Soul Patch is sending Special Agent Charlie Brown's stats and photo to a contact in Mexico. This photo, by the way, is priceless. Special Agent Charlie Brown is dressed in a cowboy shirt and otherwise resembles Alfalfa from The Little Rascals. After getting off the phone with the agency, Soul Patch has a dizzy spell and falls down on the ground. After a few moments, he pulls himself back up. He looks around to make sure no one noticed. No one did. He walks downstairs to the floor and stops at Bitchelle's desk to tell her and Spawn that he's gotten in touch with Mexican intelligence, who say they can get a man to Las Nieves in twenty minutes to intercept Special Agent Charlie Brown. Mexican intelligence? Isn't that an oxymoron? Oh, I'm sorry. That was just a part of new weekly feature of my recaps entitled "Is My Mexican Ex-Boyfriend Really Reading My Recaps, Or Is He Just Pretending To?" Bitchelle uses some Whatever Technology to find the only landing strip in Las Nieves. "He won't use it," says Spawn. "A landing strip is too exposed. Especially if it's the only one." You're probably right, Spawn…but shut up. Soul Patch has them run a "topographical overlay" to find the most obvious landing area besides the landing strip.
Back at Division, Palmer is all, "Have you seen or heard from Dr. Anne?" Brother Palmer says he has not. "I'm pretty concerned about her," says Palmer. "She was pretty ripped up after the debate." Brother Palmer uses this opportunity to exaggerate the importance of Dr. Anne's ex-husband's allegations with regards to Palmer's campaign some more. He advises Palmer to be evasive with the press. Palmer asks Brother Palmer to find Dr. Anne. "Reporters are going to be chasing her and she's not used to this kind of scrutiny," says Palmer.
Speaking of Dr. Anne, she is getting off the elevator of an impersonal-looking apartment building; some frantic xylophone theme is playing in the background which is no doubt attempting to inspire terror. She knocks on the door. Ex-Ted opens up and lets her in. Shut up, frantic xylophone. Ex-Ted thanks her for coming. "I just wanted a chance to apologize face-to-face," he says. "I don't know what I was thinking." Dr. Anne is unmoved and asks him to cut to the chase and get the aforementioned documents. Ex-Ted walks over to his desk and grabs a stack of papers. While doing so, he brushes against a jacket lying on a chair and reveals a gun lying underneath. Dr. Anne's eyes widen. Ex-Ted follows her eyes to the gun and runs over to hide it again. "It's not for you," he explains hastily. "It's for self-defense." He asks her to leave now that she got what she came for. Dr. Anne accuses him of trying to kill himself, and recommends that he seek professional help. "High-priced phonies who are going to talk me out of doing what I should have done five years ago?" retorts Ex-Ted. Dr. Anne pretends to head for the door, but doubles back and tries to run around him to grab the gun. Ex-Ted grabs it first and points it toward his own head. "Let me call someone," says Dr. Anne. Ex-Ted tells her to get the hell out of his office. "I SAID GO!" he screams. "What you did was wrong but you made it right," says Dr. Anne, reminding him that he can start over again as people do all the time. He drops the gun for a moment. "If I gave you a few minutes you actually would have talked me out of it," he says. They struggle. She falls to the floor. He shoots himself in the head. Due to the Clintonian theme of this suicide, from now on I am hereby referring to Ted as Bananas Foster. The time is 8:25:25 PM.
The time is 8:29:51 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer is still jonesing for some black tar, and Spawn is sitting at her desk being distracted by one shiny object after another while Palmer does some work at his desk as well. Meanwhile, up in Soul Patch's office, Soul Patch gets off the phone with someone in Palmer's office. He puts down the phone and slumps down in his seat with fatigue. A rack focus reveals Bitchelle standing at his desk, looking at him with concern. "You should be in the hospital," she says. He changes the subject to the work at hand. She gives him a report on all the possible landing sites that Special Agent Charlie Brown might use. He notices that she looks disturbed. "What is it?" he asks her. "It's not the time," she says passive-aggressively. He insists until she finally admits that she's bothered by the secrets that he kept from her. "I trust you with my life," says Soul Patch. "But this job is what it is." Bitchelle is forced to see his side of things. "Kiefer said he came up with the plan a month ago?" she says. "Is that how long you've known?" Soul Patch admits that that is the case. "I had no idea you were hiding something from me," says Bitchelle. "But that's my problem."
Back at Division, Brother Palmer enters Palmer's office to give him the latest scoop on what's going on at CTU. Brother Palmer's phone rings. It's Dr. Anne for Palmer. Palmer takes the call. She tells him about the suicide of Bananas Foster. "I'm so sorry," says Palmer. "He was with me when he did it," she says. She goes on to explain that Bananas summoned her there to give her the letters that would exonerate her from any connection to the falsified research data. "And you have these letters?" asks Palmer. "Yes," says Dr. Anne. "So I'll be in the clear and hopefully it will put an end to the negative fallout for you as well." She vows to come to him as soon as she finishes up with the police. They hang up. Palmer tells Brother Palmer the news. "Well, I guess that's some sort of silver lining," says Brother Palmer about the letters. "I know I've been somewhat hard on Dr. Anne, but she cleaned up her mess and I respect that." Palmer stares him down disapprovingly.
Back in Las Nieves, Whatever Mexico, Hartmano and Hector fight some more about Kiefer's trustworthiness. "Why do we even need Kiefer?" asks Hartmano. "Because he made the first contact with the Ukrainian scientists," says Hector. "They want to deal with him. They trust him." Yeah, judging by what Kiefer did to a group of Eastern Bloc terrorists during "Day One," I'm sure he has a great reputation in the Ukraine. Hartmano still feels Kiefer has "an angle." "Of course he does," says Hector. "He's a shell, there's nothing left. No future. No family. And a habit he can't beat." He reminds Hartmano of the prison break and all of their contacts in the American military who can vouch for his fugitive status. "So if we go through with this," says Hartmano, "what happens afterwards?" "Do you think I'd forget what he did to us?" asks Hector. "As soon as we have the virus, we kill him." Wow, I'm scared. "Now that's the first thing you've said that I like," says Hartmano, waving his gun around. He gives Hector the go-ahead to have Kiefer call Amador. The time is 8:37:41 PM.
The time is 8:42:52 PM. Kiefer makes the call to Amador, Soul Patch walks the halls of CTU, and Palmer thinks really hard. Back at CTU, a suspiciously camera-friendly extra-agent tells Soul Patch about a call from Las Nieves. Aw! Joel Surnow has a new girlfriend, and he decided to give her a walk-on speaking part to thank her for that threesome she arranged. And they say the Christmas spirit is dead! Soul Patch has her "patch" the call to his desk. It's Rafael Gutierrez from Mexican Intelligence, calling from Special Agent Charlie Brown's potential landing site to report that no planes have landed thus far. "What size team do you have?" asks Soul Patch. "What team?" says Gutierrez. "It's just me." He goes onto explain that the Salazars have a lot of influence with the Mexican government, and he's the only non-corrupt agent available. "Well, you're going to have your hands full," says Soul Patch. "Because Charlie Brown is one of our more capable agents. Make sure he knows you're with CTU." Gutierrez hears something. He gets out of his car and whips out a pair of binoculars in time to see a small aircraft land several yards away. Gutierrez drives over as he studies the Alfalfa picture of Special Agent Charlie Brown one more time. As Bitchelle, Spawn, and Soul Patch listen over the phone, Gutierrez approaches the plane. "Edmunds! Edmunds!" whispers Gutierrez. "I'm here to help." There is no answer. He enters the plane. It's empty. "He must have spotted you," says Soul Patch. They hang up. Gutierrez goes back to his car. Before he can get in, Special Agent Charlie Brown sneaks up on his and draws a gun on him. "Check my pocket, my left pocket," says Gutierrez, begging Charlie to check his CTU credentials. "Your boss sent me to find you." He gives Charlie his cell phone to call Soul Patch. "He says it's a matter of life or death about Kiefer," says Gutierrez. Charlie makes the call, but before Gutierrez or Soul Patch can explain further, shots are fired and Gutierrez falls dead. Charlie panics, gets into Gutierrez's car, and takes off. "Charlie, what's going on?" asks Soul Patch, who is still on the line and can hear the gunfire. Charlie explains that a sniper took Gutierrez out and he is being pursued. Headlights appear in front of Charlie on the airstrip. Soul Patch, Bitchelle, and Spawn listen as Gutierrez's car crashes. Soul Patch calls out to him. Spawn makes the sign of the cross. Charlie is alive, but bloody. Salazar minions descend upon the car and take Charlie prisoner. The time is 8:47:24 PM.
What's the best way to enjoy the new season of 24? Watch the complete second season, now available on DVD. Oh, I agree. It will totally make you appreciate this season by comparison.
8:51:39 P.M. Dr. Anne arrives at District, where she's escorted to Palmer's office. Palmer greets her with a suffocating kiss. "Are those the letters?" says Brother Palmer, who is also in the room. Palmer and Dr. Anne continue to make out as Brother Palmer looks over the papers. "Oh, this is good, David," says Brother Palmer. "This clears up everything." "I thought you'd be pleased," says Dr. Anne. Brother Palmer expresses his condolences over the death of Bananas Foster, and leaves the room. Dr. Anne assures Palmer that she'll "be all right," but she feels the need to end things. "I can't live in your world -- the things that people do to each other…the things they have to do to survive…" She maintains that Palmer needs someone in his life who can stomach the political process. "I'm sorry," she says. "You are the finest man I have ever known." "Dr. Anne," Palmer calls after her. She doesn't look back.
The time is 8:55:37 P.M. Kiefer calls Michael Amador, the Ukrainian contact, using a satellite phone. Amador, who is this really faggy British guy, takes Kiefer's number so he can call him back. Suddenly, Salazar henchmen come into the hacienda with Special Agent Charlie Brown in tow. Hartmano recognizes Charlie as Kiefer's partner. "What the hell are you doing here?" says Kiefer. Hartmano calls for a change of location, because he is sure more agents will arrive. "I had no idea he was coming down here," explains Kiefer, begging to continue the deal. "Are you with them?" asks Special Agent Charlie Brown, a little slow on the uptake. Kiefer confirms that this is true. Chase breaks away from his captors momentarily to punch Kiefer. In doing so, Kiefer slams his watch against the wall and breaks it. They re-restrain Charlie. "You say he's not with you?" asks Hartmano. Kiefer affirms this, so Hartmano hands him a gun and demands that Kiefer shoot Charlie Brown to prove that he's on their side. Kiefer suggests that they use Charlie Brown as a hostage instead, but Hartmano isn't having any of it. "You should never have come down here," says Kiefer. Charlie Brown spits in Kiefer's face. Kiefer raises the gun to Charlie's head and fires. There is only a clicking sound. The chamber is empty. Hartmano applauds. "Very Good, Kiefer," says Hartmano. "We'll take him with us." He orders his henchmen to interrogate Charlie Brown and take Kiefer to a safe house to await Amador's call. The screen splits, but unfortunately there aren't any other exciting subplots to contrast with this one. Spawn is shown stomping back to her desk. Palmer is shown picking his nose…or something. Kiefer is escorted into a van, where he sits behind Charlie Brown. "Shut up," says Kiefer to Charlie Brown. "If you want to get through this, just shut up!" He checks his watch. It's broken.
Back at CTU, Crystal Gael dashes up the stairs to tell Soul Patch that the transponder in Kiefer's watch just "went dead." "Did you try 'reset'?" asks Soul Patch. "Yeah," says Crystal Gael. "Nothing." "The assault teams are in position," says Soul Patch ruefully. "But they'll have no idea where he is." The time is 8:59:58…8:59:59…9:00:00.