And now, for my last recap of the year, I'd like to thank all of my readers -- some of whom are quite funny themselves and either provided me with nicknames, ideas, or simply the competitive anxiety necessary to bring the funny week after week. I'd like to thank my fellow recappers at TWoP for setting the standard of excellence. I'd also like to thank Cindy from Hawaii for all the Amazon loot -- especially my new blue Fiestaware fruit bowl -- and, last but not least, Sars, for all the commas and late-night phone calls. ["My pleasure. But don't you mean 'kommas'?" -- Sars]
Blip blip blip blip blip blip blip blip. 24. Previouslys. Soul Patch and Bitchelle are detained for "pumping" Chappelle. Full of very fast-acting drugs, that is. Cate picks up Spawn at NoDaddyNo Manor, and must get beyond Spawn's newly acquired posttraumatic stress disorder. Palmer gets a lawyer. Kiefer has Lady Mac arrange a meeting with EvilChrisElliott using Hightops as bait. On their way there, Kiefer has another heart attack and loses control of the Kiefmobile.
Thunder Road. Post-accident. Atmospheric music plays, complete with synthesized "rattlesnake rattles" and Native American wind instruments, because they are in the desert. Well, the urban desert, anyway. Kiefer is fine. Lady Mac is fine. Thank you, airbags. Unfortunately, the Kiefmobile won't start and Kiefer's seatbelt is jammed. Lady Mac seizes the opportunity to pull a Julia Roberts. She gets out of the passenger side door and reaches into the backseat for her bag. "I'm sorry, Kiefer," says Lady Mac. "But I have to take care of myself. When I'm free, I'll call an ambulance." Now, I don't know about you, but if all that's separating me from Kiefer's velvety wrath is a faulty seatbelt, I'd save the speeches and run my ass off, but Lady Mac's got a monologue to deliver about the world being much more than "good and bad" and how things can be more "complicated" than the Palmers and Kiefers of this world can grasp. "No, it's simple," says Kiefer. "There's a war about to start and you're the only one who can stop it!" Okay, now how many people has Kiefer delivered a variation of this line to? How many characters have now been "the only one" who can stop either this war or the B-O-M-B? Without going back to my tapes for an accurate count, I'm just going to take a wild guess and say "twenty-four." Nevertheless, Lady Mac turns to walk -- not run -- away again, but she can't very far because the Sutherland velvet keeps pulling her back for more. "What about the President?" roars Kiefer. "He turned me away!" says Lady Mac, itemizing the years and sacrifices she put into their marriage…a marriage that Palmer ended. "Eventually they will connect you to this conspiracy," says Kiefer, struggling with his seatbelt. "The B-O-M-B was not supposed to go off," says Lady Mac, her voice breaking. "None of this was supposed to happen this way." Lady Mac? Run! Kiefer assures her, still struggling with the seatbelt, that he knows she is innocent, and if she helps him get EvilChrisElliott, her ex-husband will get his presidency back. That, by the way, is a weird thing to promise her, since she's just admitted to having vengeful feelings toward Palmer. She runs away again, but again fails to get past the Sutherland velvet. "What do you want me to do?" she asks, surrendering. Kiefer tells her to get a knife out of the glove compartment and cut him out of the seatbelt. Um, wouldn't the glove compartment be within Kiefer's reach? Wouldn't it have made more sense to have the knife be in the trunk?
Back at Division. Is this still Division? Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle goes the "time is running out" piano concerto. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn is going over war plans with two suited extras. Palmer's suit-wearing lawyer knocks on the glass. PMHC tells him that they're busy. SuitWearingLawyer insists. PMHC dismisses the two suited extras so they can speak privately. SuitWearingLawyer hands PMHC a flash file on EvilChrisElliott. Apparently, ECE made several phone calls to Jonathan Wallace, a.k.a. SeventhCoralSnake. Excuse me? All we needed to connect EvilChrisElliott to the B-O-M-B were phone records? "I know who Wallace is," says PMHC, having a revelatory moment. But we all know PMHC isn't going to do anything about this, because he's part of that whole conspiracy to remove Palmer, right?
The White House. Some military dude is briefing PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig and his staff on the approaching planes. Hey, guess what? Apparently, in the last five minutes, someone just realized that some innocent civilians might be killed during the attack on the Middle East. "There's no way to avoid this?" asks PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. "I'm afraid not," says MilitaryDude. "This is just something we're going to have to live with," says PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig reluctantly. But we know PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig isn't going to have a change of heart or anything, because he's totally involved in this conspiracy, right?
CTU. Chappelle's phone rings. It's PMHC. "Do you happen to know if Kiefer is still trying to find evidence that the Cyprus recordings are fabricated?" asks PMHC. "Yes, I believe he is," says Chappelle. PMHC orders Chappelle to assist Kiefer in his investigation. "I was told we were already at war and to proceed accordingly," says Chappelle. PMHC tells him forcefully that he has until the second half of the episode…I mean, "thirty minutes" to report back to him on Kiefer's findings. Oh, but Chappelle is in on the conspiracy too, right? There's no way he'll actually follow these orders. I'm sure he'll get on the phone with his secret buddy PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig and straighten things out.
Meanwhile, back at Max's yacht, Max is talking to EvilChrisElliott on the phone. Oh, and while EvilChrisElliott is talking on the phone to Max, he's being dressed by the Asian Acuprostie, who not only does acupuncture, but also functions as a valet. "The B-O-M-B detonating in the wrong location created a little extra work for me," says EvilChrisElliott, explaining why he's still in L.A. And even though they just had the same conversation at the end of the last episode, EvilChrisElliott explains once again that he's looking for Hightops and that Hightops could still bring down the conspiracy. "You told me you'd have him by now," says Max. EvilChrisElliott tells him not to worry. They hang up. Evil Businessmen can be so impatient.
CTU. Soul Patch and Bitchelle's holding cell. Chappelle enters and asks them to get him in touch with Kiefer. "Oh, I see," says Soul Patch. "Kiefer got some support above you and now you're being squeezed, right?" Chappelle admits that Kiefer's evidence might actually have some relevance. "Which means we were right," says Bitchelle. Chappelle points out that they "nearly put [him] into a coma." Actually, Chappelle? You were asleep for, like, thirty-six minutes. Where I come from, that's called a "nap." Soul Patch agrees to help Chappelle find Kiefer in exchange for the dropping of all charges. Chappelle reluctantly agrees. "Just get me Kiefer!" he urges.
Back at Thunder Road, Kiefer and Lady Mac are walking up the hill with a briefcase. Kiefer is weak, so Lady Mac is helping him walk. Lady Mac wants to know why they don't just call CTU for help. And even though they already had this conversation during the last episode, Kiefer explains once again that CTU has cut him loose and that as far as they're concerned, he doesn't exist. An innocent bystander sees them and their wrecked car and offers his help. But all of his dialogue happens off-camera, so all they have to pay for is a voice-over and an extra without a speaking part. Kiefer asks him to take them to the nearest hospital. "You need to drive," says Kiefer to Lady Mac. "Hey, what do you mean she needs to drive?" asks the innocent bystander from off-camera. Kiefer pulls a gun on him. "Sorry, but we need your car," says Kiefer. Lady Mac just gives the innocent bystander this look as if to say, "Hey, what can you do?" InnocentBystander hands over the keys to his SUV. Lady Mac calls shotgun, and away they go. The time is 07:08:41 AM.
The time is 07:13:05 AM. Klockwise from the top left…or make that "left to right"…the split-screen images are all zigzagged like the "Head Over Heels" video by the Go-Gos as Hall Monitor Carrie looks for more people to tell on; PMHC sits alone in a board room, regretting, no doubt, the betrayal of his best friend; Kiefer rides in the new Kiefmobile; and EvilChrisElliott heads for the L.A. Coliseum. CTU. Spawn and Cate enter. The Hall Monitor slithers up to them and introduces herself, and tells them to have a seat while she notifies Chappelle of their arrival. "I'll handle this, Carrie," says Soul Patch. "I thought you were in custody," says Carrie. "I was released," says Soul Patch, walking past her to greet the two blondes. Okay, that was hysterical. Soul Patch tells Spawn and Cate that Kiefer is out in the field and won't be back for a couple of hours. This is cold comfort for Spawn, who wants to see her dad right away. "It's going to be okay," says Soul Patch, forgetting, perhaps, that every time Spawn ends up at CTU, either her mom dies or a B-O-M-B goes off. I mean, is it "Take Your Daughter To Work -- And Traumatize Her -- Day" again already? Spawn goes off with the Hall Monitor, leaving Soul Patch to tell Cate some breaking news. "Your father came back here after we released him," says Soul Patch. "He wanted to talk to your sister before she was taken away." Cate makes a turd face and asks why they brought Marie back to CTU. Soul Patch doesn't answer her, but if he did, he'd say that Marie and Papa Crew are back because the writers totally forgot to resolve that plotline in any definitive manner.
Cut to Marie in a Plexiglas and aluminum holding cell, lit seemingly from within like a De La Tour Madonna. Hey, it's a Barneys window that Simon Doonan forgot to design. "You lied to me," says Papa Crew from in front of the Plexiglas. "You killed Reza, you tried to kill your own sister and you were willing to set off a nuclear bomb in a city with ten million people." You're grounded, Marie! But seriously, once we're talking about setting off a nuclear bomb, lying and attempted murder sort of take a major backseat. It's like complaining to the captain of the U.S.S. Valdez that right before he hit that iceberg, he left the toilet seat up or something. Anyway, Papa Crew wants to know why Marie did what she did. "Tell me that they forced you to do it -- that they brainwashed you…" Marie says nothing and continues to stare imperiously past Papa Crew as if he doesn't exist. "There is no reason, Dad," says Cate, entering the room. "I can't accept that," says Papa Crew, talking about Marie as if she's an exhibit at the Museum of Unnatural History (tm rljenk). "I couldn't either," says Cate. "Until I looked into her eyes and she pointed a gun at me and started to pull the trigger." Um, retcon, anyone? Didn't Cate specifically say back then that she didn't think Marie was capable of shooting her, and didn't Kiefer say that he'd looked into the eyes of suicidal terrorists and that Marie wasn't one of those people, and wasn't the reason that Marie caved in the first place that in fact, ultimately, she wasn't all that committed to the Second Wave? Cate concludes that they will never understand what made Marie do what she did. Papa Crew studies Marie behind the glass some more while Cate tries to comfort him by caressing his shoulder. Finally they decide to get out of there. As they leave, NewlyEvilMarie speaks. "Cate," she says, standing up and approaching the glass amidst the rattle of chains. "You think you'll be safe out there? You won't be." Cate makes another turd face and exits.
On the road to the Coliseum, Kiefer gets a phone call. It's Soul Patch, informing Kiefer that Spawn is at CTU and she's safe. Kiefer gives a huge sigh of relief. I guess he too has forgotten how "safe" his own wife was at CTU last season. Soul Patch then hands him over to Chappelle, who needs to talk to him. "Ryan, you son of a bitch," says Kiefer. "You stopped that chopper from picking up me and Hightops. Now Hightops is dead and I'm holding you personally responsible." Chappelle brushes this last piece of information aside and informs Kiefer that he's got the full support of CTU now. Kiefer tells Chappelle of his plan to meet EvilChrisElliott at the Coliseum and get him to admit on tape that he was behind the Cyprus recordings and the B-O-M-B. Chappelle tells Kiefer to hold off until CTU can send back-up. Kiefer counters that they don't have enough time. Instead, he asks for voiceprints of EvilChrisElliott for verification purposes, and a live feed of Lady Mac's wire sent directly to the White House. Uh oh. "Live feed" broadcasts are like graduation speeches, in that when they appear at the conclusion of a movie or a TV season it's a symptom of some writer not being able to wrap things up. Think Minority Report. Chappelle complies and sends a SWAT team over to the Coliseum.
And speaking of coliseums, I'd just like to point out that if there's any place more conducive to trouble than a parking garage, it's an empty coliseum, which is fundamentally a wide open space with lots of seating around it where snipers can hide. Like, why didn't they just meet in a lake full of piranhas already? Kiefer pulls up, parks in the parking lot, and plants a wireless transmitter on Lady Mac. Lady Mac again warns Kiefer that they probably shouldn't be "doing this" alone. "Okay, say something," says Kiefer, testing the transmitter. "I'm scared," says Lady Mac. The time is 07:20:27 AM.
The time is 07:24:55 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer adjusts the transmitter, Soul Patch arranges the live feed to the White House, military brass go over papers and stuff, and PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig answers the phone. On the other end of PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig's phone is PMHC. Oh, here's what we've been waiting for, right? A conversation between PMHC and PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig that will shed light on the true nature of the conspiracy which, no doubt, they are both involved with. Well, guess what? Now that PMHC has learned that there's new evidence suggesting that the Cyprus recordings were fabricated, PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig is all ears. PMHC tells PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig about EvilChrisElliott. "Who's he?" asks PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. PMHC explains that ECE is an evil oilman who planted the Cyprus recordings in order to start a war and jack up the price of oil. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig warns PMHC that the bombers are reaching their targets in less than twenty minutes. PMHC convinces him to wait until they hear the live feed that Kiefer set up. Remember how I was saying that this conspiracy made no sense, and many of you sent me these hostile emails "correcting" me and explaining that by the end of the season it would all make sense, and I was just being overly negative because I was jealous of how hot Kiefer was? Don't worry, I'm not laughing too hard at you right now or anything. Oh, wait. I am.
Back at CTU, Bitchelle compares voiceprints to verify that Lady Mac is Lady Mac and EvilChrisElliott is EvilChrisElliott. And no, I have no idea where they got a sample of ECE's voice. Chappelle tells Kiefer that a SWAT team is eleven minutes away. But Kiefer can't wait. They have to go now. Especially since the live audio feed is up and running. "What's to prevent ECE from shooting me the moment I appear?" asks Lady Mac. Um, the fact that you are the most fabulous thing about this episode? "ECE won't do anything until he gets Hightops," explains Kiefer. But what about when they find out that Kiefer and Lady Mac don't have Hightops? Kiefer promises that he'll be covering Lady Mac's back. This is cold comfort for Lady Mac, considering the condition Kiefer is in. "I might not get out alive," says Lady Mac. "I'm not going to lie to you, Lady Mac, but that is a possibility," says Kiefer. "I'm doing this for David," says Lady Mac, asking Kiefer to pass along that piece of information "in case something happens." Kiefer agrees, sends her into the Coliseum, and has another little heart problem.
Back at Division, Palmer enters the boardroom where PMHC has been hanging out and asks why he's been summoned. PMHC explains about the live feed they're about to listen to. "Kiefer found EvilChrisElliott?" exclaims Palmer. "Yes," says PMHC. "But it won't be Kiefer who'll be talking to ECE." This hardly matters to Palmer, since the important issue is that ECE is incriminated. "What is it?" asks Palmer, since PMHC can't make eye contact with him. "It's Lady Mac who'll be talking to ECE," says PMHC. Palmer doesn't understand. PMHC explains that Lady Mac was recruited by ECE and was a part of all of this. Palmer can't believe that Lady Mac would be behind a nuclear war. PMHC explains that she might not have known who she was really dealing with, and she's working to bring ECE down "at considerable risk to herself." Palmer makes a frowny face of disbelief.
Lady Mac enters the Coliseum and, well, I'm all out of criticism for their choice of locale because it is friggin' beautiful. The sun is hitting the cream-colored limestone perfectly, casting monumental shadows and making it look like a de Chirico painting. Although I have to wonder how they got in. Aren't these places locked up if they're not in use? Lady Mac stands there alone, waiting for ECE. The time is 07:30:06 AM.
The time is 07:34:30 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Bitchelle does something computer-y, a sniper aims at Lady Mac, PMHC stares intently at something, and Palmer stares intently at something. Coliseum. More "rattlesnake" music plays as Lady Mac is still waiting for ECE. Finally he shows up with some minions and tells the sniper via radio not to shoot Lady Mac until they find out where Hightops is. Kiefer is hiding in the recesses of the stadium. Finally, ECE enters and meets Lady Mac. Jesus, is EvilChrisElliott ugly. I mean, can you imagine being a "character actor" like him and knowing that every time you are hired, it's because you are astonishingly unappealing to look at? He looks her over, and even gives her the quasi-sexual wire search that we've enjoyed in movies like Go. Satisfied that Lady Mac is not wearing a wire, ECE asks her where Hightops is. Lady Mac replies that Hightops is "safe." She changes the subject and accuses him of lying to her about the nature of the B-O-M-B. "You used Yulin and you used me," says Lady Mac, asserting that ECE won't get Hightops until she's safe from prosecution. Meanwhile, on a split screen, Bitchelle gets a match on ECE's voice while Kiefer, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Palmer, and PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig listen in. Lady Mac promises that she'll give ECE Hightops's location as soon as she's safe. ECE hands over the phone recordings…or what he insists are the phone recordings. "No, I want all of them," says Lady Mac, somehow able to tell what's on the cartridges from just looking at them. "I want Cyprus." ECE asks Lady Mac why she wants the Cyprus recordings, since she "had nothing to do with that." Lady Mac replies that she wants them for "insurance." "Once the country goes to war," says ECE, "the government's never going to let that be exposed." Meanwhile, a split screen establishes that PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig is listening and realizing that the Cyprus recordings were indeed falsified. He confirms that Kiefer has proven his case. Meanwhile, Lady Mac, pretending to be satisfied by ECE's explanation, explains that when she reaches her "safe" destination, she'll call ECE and tell him where Hightops is. "Scott," says ECE into his walkie-talkie. "Take her out." Sniper fire is not forthcoming, so ECE asks one of his minions to shoot her. Kiefer shoots the minions first and yells for Lady Mac to run like the wind.
Gunfire. Gunfire. Gunfire. Lady Mac running…and giving Spawn a "run" for her money. Shooting. Shooting. Palmer listening in horror. Bitchelle listening in horror. More shooting. More running. Lady Mac reaches the safety of a vomitorium and hides out. By the way, by "vomitorium," I'm not referring to a place where the ancient Romans threw up after a large meal. "Vomitorium" is actually an architectural term describing the passageway in a coliseum where the audience enters in order to take their seats. You learn something new every day, don't you? Gunfire. Gunfire. Some ECE minions go down. Lady Mac clutches her side, probably in pain from the shanking she got from Hightops. Kiefer katches up to Lady Mac, and they run toward the exit, and into an ECE minion who has a fistfight with Kiefer. Does Kiefer take him? Of course he does. Meanwhile, Lady Mac runs toward the exit at Kiefer's velvety request. The ECE minion goes down, and Kiefer slumps to the ground, clutching his chest. He stumbles over to a stadium seat, but suffers another heart attack before he can reach it.
Hey, look who's coming out of a nearby vomitorium. It's EvilChrisElliott. Does he shoot Kiefer as soon as he possibly can? Of course not. He walks slowly over to Konvulsing Kiefer with a shit-eating grin on his face. Kiefer draws his gun and pulls the trigger. Click. Click. Click. Kiefer is out of ammo. ECE doesn't even blink. "You've caused me a lot of trouble today," says ECE, raising his gun. But before he can shoot Kiefer, a CTU agent in a helicopter shoots him several times and he goes down. And as several people in the forums pointed out, how did that helicopter get that close to ECE without them (or us) hearing it? Nevertheless, a SWAT team enters the coliseum with guns drawn. Back at the White House, PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig, who was never part of the conspiracy after all -- whatever -- orders the bombers to refrain from bombing the Middle East just minutes before they reach their targets. Palmer gasps a sigh of relief. The time is 07:43:05 AM.
The time is 07:47:31 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Max docks his yacht, Lady Mac gets put in cuffs, and the Cabinet convenes at the White House. Okay, remember how I was saying in my last recap that I'd scream if Max had a boss? Well, I'm screaming. Max is talking via cell phone to a white-haired gentleman who is sitting in an outdoor restaurant and probably shouldn't be discussing a top-secret conspiracy in public. "What do you mean ECE is dead!" exclaims Max. The white-haired gentleman reminds Max that he warned him against using ECE. "It won't matter," says Max. "Once the war starts, we'll be okay." The white-haired gentleman informs Max that the bombing has been called off, now that ECE was caught on tape confessing to its invalidity. "Well, we're going to have to do this another way," says Max. When the white-haired guy asks him what he means, Max simply assures him that the war will start today regardless, and places another call on his flip phone. "It's me," says Max to the mystery person. "Go ahead."
Meanwhile, back at the White House, PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig informs Palmer via videophone that he and the cabinet have annulled their invocation of the 25th Amendment, and that Palmer is once again President. ["Because it's just that easy. Whatever." -- Sars] PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig has also tendered his resignation, effective immediately, and so have all of the cabinet members who voted against him. Palmer doesn't accept their resignation. Dumbass. He's too good. Instead he gives this speech about "working together" and "healing." Whatever. He asks Asian Patty to set up a press conference for "as soon as possible." He thanks PMHC for calling CTU at "the eleventh hour." Oh, and then he fires him for being disloyal. Ouch!
CTU. Chappelle is on the phone in Ye Olde Kiefer Kube, accepting credit from the district director, somewhat, for his work that "day." Soul Patch enters and evicts him from his office. "Either fire me or get out of my chair," says Soul Patch. Chappelle gets up from behind Soul Patch's desk and relinquishes it. Bitchelle enters with news that the "new shift is here." "I was thinking I'd get my brother and go home," adds Bitchelle. Soul Patch thanks her for all of her hard work, and reminds her that she was right back when they clashed about the validity of the Cyprus audio. He tells her to go home and get some rest. Bitchelle is visibly disappointed and turns to leave. But before she can, he calls her back. "See you tomorrow," he says. Bitchelle lights up and blushes.
The L.A. Coliseum. Cate and Spawn arrive just as Kiefer is getting medical attention. Spawn sees her prostrate and shirtless father and runs to his side. "It's going to be all right," says Kiefer. No it's not, but whatever. "I'm going to take care of you," says Spawn, kissing his five-head. Uh oh. Meanwhile Cate looks on a la Stella Dallas, touched by the family reunion she herself isn't part of.
Meanwhile, at this press conference that Asian Patty put together in, like, two minutes, Palmer urges the assembled multi-racial crowd to feel safe and to keep living their lives. "Go back to work," says Palmer. "Go back to school, because the freedom that we earn everyday is the very thing that will defeat our enemies and make us strong. God bless America." Everyone applauds. Everything's okay now, no? No. In the crowd is a brunette that we all know and love: Mandy. She makes her way over to Palmer and his adoring public and shakes his hand. The screen splits. Carrie and Chappelle leave CTU, Lady Mac is led away from the Coliseum in handcuffs, and Kiefer basks in the glow of his daughter. Mandy walks over to a private place and removes a plastic shield from her hand, putting it into an aluminum case. Meanwhile, Max's phone rings. "It's done," says Mandy. "Thank you," says Max. Palmer looks at his hand. It's burnt, and he has trouble breathing. He falls to the ground. The Secret Service aim their guns at a non-existent shooter. An ambulance is called for. The time is 07:59:57...07:59:58…07:59:59…08:00:00 AM.