24. Damn! No graphic violence this week. Previouslys. Palmer feels out PoorMan'sHumeCronyn for any hidden regrets or disagreements. PoorMan'sJoeLieberman calls a meeting with the cabinet to invoke the 25th Amendment. Spawn is legally off the hook for everything that happened that morning, since NoDaddyNo is the police department's number one suspect. Chappelle can't relieve Soul Patch of his duties, because he just doesn't have anyone to take his place. The sandblasting rednecks have Cate and the chip until Kiefer bursts in, armed to the teeth. So they lock themselves into the bathroom with the chip and threaten to smash it.
Kiefer's still outside that bathroom, pounding on the door like a Brady sibling waiting for Marcia to finish brushing her hair. "Ninety-eight…ninety-nine…" He lays on the Sutherland velvet and begs for the chip, even explaining that it has important information on it about who was really responsible for the B-O-M-B. He even gives a velvety promise of total amnesty once they open the door and turn the chip over. Kiefer gives them thirty seconds. Meanwhile, Cate butts in and is all, "What do mean they can go free, they tried to kill me?" Kiefer has to give her an extra-velvety assurance that millions of lives depend on this chip. One of the rednecks begs the other to give up the chip already. The Redneck holding the chip, however, is hesitant to trust Kiefer; after all, Kiefer killed one of their own just moments earlier, and now, without the chip, they'll have no bargaining power. "You don't have a choice," says Kiefer, explaining that the rednecks have got to trust him. The rednecks start struggling over the gun, and it accidentally goes off. Kiefer shoots his way in and orders the men up against the wall. HesitantRedneck drops the chip on the bathroom floor. "Where's the chip?" barks Kiefer. HesitantRedneck shows him where he dropped it. Kiefer has Cate go fetch some wire so she can tie the rednecks up. The chip is now in Kiefer's hands!
Meanwhile, at that cold tall glass and steel building known as "Division" -- also known as the least catchy location ever -- where armed guards stand at attention outside of the lobby like this is some Soviet Government building, Palmer is reading a briefing inside his sleek but lifeless temporary office. There's new music. It's this eerie minimalist (what else?) string piece with lots of scary double bass. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn enters, and Palmer tells him that he just learned that the bombers did not return to their bases as he ordered. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn, by way of an answer, asks Palmer to come with him. "What's this about?" asks Palmer. "It's very important, sir," says PMHC. Palmer ultimately refuses to follow PMHC until he knows what's going on; Palmer even pulls a Presidential diva moment about who orders whom around. PMHC tells Palmer that certain cabinet members are questioning whether Palmer is fit to continue as President. "And these people are in my conference room?" asks Palmer. "In a manner of speaking," says PMHC. "Then let's go see them," says Palmer.
They walk into the teleconference room, which totally looks like one of those Tokyo love hotels. It's all pink and metallic and has all these electric deco lanterns all over the wall. Palmer sits at the conference table, and all of the Super Friends are there on video. Wow, I was wondering who they cast as the Secretary of Agriculture or the Secretary of Transportation. Now I know. At last, Palmer is face-to-face with PoorMan'sJoeLieberman, the man who has been avoiding all his calls because he was in fact about to betray him. And at this point, I just have to ask, how did Palmer become so bad at hiring personnel? I mean, great president, but not a shrewd judge of talent. When your Vice President, whom you picked, leapfrogs over you and tries to grab your seat, what kind of questions are you asking in these interviews? Is there any way you could stop hiring such crafty, sleazy people? Or at least teach the ones who aren't sleazy and crafty to run fast. "So now I see why I had such a hard time reaching you today, Jim," says Palmer, brilliantly using humor to ease himself into the situation. PMJL apologizes and starts orating about "measures" and "history." Palmer has him cut to the chase. "We are invoking the 25th Amendment," says PMJL. "Who is 'we'?" asks Palmer. Anyway, the guy who was the lead in Pippin on Broadway and also played the older brother on Family has gotten really old. So old that he's playing the silver-haired Secretary of State, who is teleconferencing from a passenger jet. Anyway, he's also the voice of reason, or the swing vote, or whatever metaphor you want this episode. He tells PoorMan'sJoeLieberman -- who I guess we should now start calling PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig (tm Suekel) now that he thinks he's in charge -- that a lot of the cabinet is undecided and "scrambling," and therefore it's way too early for him to be speaking for the group until they've all heard the charges. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig begins to discuss the fourth paragraph of 25th Amendment, which basically states that the cabinet can vote to relieve the President of his duties if he's unable to carry out his term, leaving the presidency to the Vice President. Palmer argues that the 25th Amendment was referring to the possibility of a President being ill or incapacitated. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig spins it and argues that Palmer is unable to carry out his Presidential duties, but they don't need to supply the actual cause of the disability, or something like that. Apparently, they've gotten the okay from the Attorney General and everything.
The stress of today's events has overwhelmed Palmer, PMJL concludes. He cites Palmer's failure to bomb Fauxraqistan, Akalakistan, and Tofurkey, despite evidence of their complicity in the B-O-M-B. Palmer says that he believes -- like Kiefer -- that the evidence was forged, and promises that soon they'll have proof. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig repeats the bullshit mantra of the evening: that there will be tens of thousands of U.S. casualties if they don't bomb now. Palmer argues that they need to be absolutely sure before they bomb innocent countries, regardless. "This meeting is over," says Palmer, getting up to leave. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig tells him that the vote will go on whether or not he's there, so he might as well stay and "be heard." Prescott vows to show a pattern of disability.
"I know you're not in the same room with me, but you can see and hear me plainly enough," says Palmer, all "Emmy clip"-style. "Do I seem scared? Am I breaking into a nervous sweat? Am I babbling? Is my voice shaking?" challenges Palmer. "Can any of you look me in and eye and tell me I'm disabled?" Cabinet is impassive. "This is about your behavior over the last twenty hours," says PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. Pippin, the voice of reason, asks Palmer to stay and answer the questions to everyone's satisfaction. In the interest of putting this all behind them, Palmer agrees to stay and have a "discussion." But on one condition: when it's over, PMAH will tender his resignation immediately if Palmer is innocent. Well, duh! Hello? Machiavelli? "If you fail to kill the king, you must get the hell out of the kingdom"? Pippin asks that everyone "compose themselves" before they begin the "proceeding." "You mean the trial of David Palmer!" corrects Palmer. Meanwhile, to the left of him, PMHC sits and stares at the table like a total loser. The time is 04:11:11 AM.
The time is 04:15:37 AM. Klockwise from the top left, the cabinet awaits the Trial of David Friggin' Palmer, Palmer awaits the Trial of David Palmer, and Chappelle confers with one of his minions. CTU. Soul Patch crutches in. He wants to know why he just received word from the Department of Justice that the bombers were called off. Chappelle is all, "I wouldn't worry about it." Soul Patch wants to know if it's true. Chappelle confirms that it is. So Soul Patch is all, "And you didn't tell me? Why are you so determined to keep my people processing intel on an operation that's been scrapped?" Chappelle is all, "There's a strong possibility the White House will reinstate the attack order." Soul Patch wants to know why the President would change his mind. "Just keep your people on a war footing," says Chappelle. Bitchelle, who has heard the whole thing, approaches Soul Patch and tells him that not only the phones are up, but Kiefer is on the phone from Cate Warner's home. "Conference it into my office," says Soul Patch
Cate Warner's Home for Turd-Faced Girls. Kiefer is on a laptop, trying to retrieve information from the chip. Unfortunately, one of those "unable to load program" messages pops onto his computer screen. Soul Patch gets on the line and demands to know why Kiefer wasn't at CTU as scheduled over an hour ago. Kiefer explains that they ran into some "interference," and that PoorMan'sArmandAssante is dead. Soul Patch wants to know more details, but Kiefer doesn't have time to explain. The chip isn't working. He put it in a "flash card adapter" and everything. Uh, where'd he get one of those? Bitchelle gets on the line and tries to talk him through a retrieval of the information. Meanwhile, Kiefer wants Soul Patch to give him a background check on EvilChrisElliott and cross-reference the name -- since it might be an alias -- with "every major player in the oil industry." Kiefer also wants Soul Patch to call the President and tell him he's got the necessary information to prove that the Cyprus tapes are a forgery. Soul Patch tells him that he already called him, and that the strikes have been called off, for now. Kiefer is all, "Good, then we've got some time." Soul Patch is all, "Not necessarily," and explains about how Chappelle told him that the orders to bomb might be re-implemented. "Something's going on in Washington," says Soul Patch. "Something we're not supposed to know about." Soul Patch hangs up. "Bitchelle, are you ready for me," says Kiefer, sending her the information.
The Trial of David Palmer. Silence. I guess they just all had a break or something because nothing's been going on for the past two minutes. You can say that for sure. "I've asked someone to join us," says PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. He introduces Weiland (Nosy Reporter) to the cabinet as "someone who had a very interesting experience today." Uh oh. Weiland just starts speaking -- he doesn't wait for specific questions or anything, like it's a monologue -- and testifies about getting imprisoned by Palmer when he threatened to run a story about the B-O-M-B. "Do you feel this was a violation of your First Amendment rights as a journalist as well as an American citizen?" asks PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. "Of course," says Weiland. Palmer asks him if he was harmed. Weiland responds that he was not. Palmer asks him if he knew why Palmer acted the way he did. Weiland answers that he supposed his story could lead to mass panic, and people might get hurt. "Do you think that the lives of thousands of citizens [are] less important than a few minutes of your First Amendment rights?" asks Palmer. "No I don't," says Weiland. "But according to the Bill of Rights, that decision was mine!" Shut up, Wei-sel. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig asks if he had the sense that things were out of control in the Palmer Administration. Weiland answers that he had the sense that Palmer was not in control. Palmer argues that nothing was out of control, and that he had a legal precedent for what he did to prevent the story from running. Weiland is excused, and PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig promises another surprise guest in just a few minutes. Aw, he's like Ryan Seacrest, but for the Geritol generation.
CTU. Bitchelle talks Kiefer through the whole long process of Whatever Information Retrieval. Bitchelle is all, "Make sure the leads are exposed." Or maybe she said "leaves," I have no idea. She puts him through some steps while she's patched into his network, i.e. Cate's home AOL connection. Look up her profile! Woo hoo! Kiefer takes out the chip and looks at it closely. It's damaged. Bitchelle tries to make sense of whatever info they have. "If it's on there, we'll find it," she says. Soul Patch orders some IT people to come down and help Bitchelle, even though the minion on the other end of the line reminds him that the IT people are all doing a job for Chappelle. Another call for Soul Patch. It's Spawn, looking for Kiefer. Hey, Spawn! Where have you been hiding? Soul Patch tells Spawn that they're all in the middle of something really important. "It'll just take a minute," says Spawn. Uh, what? A member of the CIA is getting manipulated by Gidget? Meanwhile, Kiefer is pounding on the keys of Cate's computer and going, "Are you getting that, Bitchelle?" Is she getting what? What's with the pounding? Just put it in an email and hit "send." It's not like the computer is powered by your touch. Bitchelle looks it over and concludes that the data is pretty scrambled. Soul Patch patches Spawn through. "Dad?" says Spawn. "Sweetheart?" says Kiefer. Barf, says Gustave. Spawn exposits that the police are taking her to NoDaddyNo Manor to get her things. "I miss you, Dad," says Spawn. "I've missed you too, honey," says Kiefer, making velvety promises of an imminent homecoming. "I love you, Dad," says Spawn. "I love you too, babe," says Kiefer. They hang up, and Kiefer has this cheesy fatherly grin on his face. If I were a betting man, I'd put money on Spawn joining the death pool soon.
The Trial of Friggin' David Palmer. PMHC re-enters the Tokyo Love Hotel and sits with Palmer in silence while they wait for the proceeding, or whatever it is, to continue. "You knew about this, didn't you, PMHC," states Palmer. PMHC reluctantly admits that he knew a couple of hours in advance. Palmer stares PMHC down in disbelief. "You were a part of it, weren't you?" says Palmer. "When all is said and done, you're on Prescott's side." PMHC argues that he is in fact on Palmer's side. He just rilly rilly wants "David" to bomb those countries now, for the good of history and the country. "I'm the president, Mike. Don't call me by my first name," says Palmer coldly. Burn! The time is 04:24:49 AM.
The Trial of David "Miss Palmer if you're nasty" Palmer. The time is 04:29:13 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Bitchelle tries to retrieve what she can from the damaged chip, Palmer prepares to hear more testimony, and Kiefer sends information to Bitchelle about the chip from Cate's home computer. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig enters the room again and apologizes for the delay -- a delay known to us, the viewer, as a "word from our sponsor." "The man you're about to see is not entirely well," showboats PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. Enter Yulin, a.k.a. Wetfoot. Yulin is pretty shaky, having been tortured for two hours. A little too shaky, if you know what I'm saying. He too delivers a monologue that's not in response to any questions from PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig. He talks about being tortured for several hours by Palmer because Palmer thought he knew more than he was saying. Palmer tells Yulin that he's lying. "This may work for a while," says Palmer. "But eventually the truth will come out!" Yulin continues to describe his day before he was tortured. He testifies that the President was erratic and indecisive -- pathologically afraid, even, to go to war with the Middle East. He then describes being arrested for treason and taken to a room and tortured. "In all fairness," says Yulin slickly, "I think he genuinely believed it to be true." PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig asks him why that would be. "David Palmer is a decent man," says Yulin, driving the shit home to Mama. "He's too decent for the times we live in. He wanted to avoid war at any cost."
CTU. Remember that extra IT that Soul Patch ordered? Well, not that we've seen them or anything, but Chappelle is pissed at Soul Patch for commandeering them to work on the chip. Soul Patch explains that they have a chip that contains Cyprus audio blah blah blah forgery-cakes, but the chip is damaged. Chappelle wants to know how long before they can retrieve any information from it. Bitchelle enters and promises him results by the end of the episode…I mean, "in fifteen minutes." Chappelle walks off. Out of earshot, he picks up a phone and leaves a message for the Vice President. Dun dun dun!
Trial of David "Jesus Christ Superstar" Palmer. Graphic video footage of the torture is shown. The poorly lit quality of the surveillance videotape gives the brutality a certain David Fincher quality. The cabinet is visibly upset. Like they're the parents at a PTA meeting when one of those Scared Straight counselors comes in and convinces everyone that their kids are probably on drugs if they listen to Smashmouth. Anyway, they get to the part of the tape where Yulin admits to knowing about the B-O-M-B "for weeks." Palmer is all, "Enough," and slams down his fist on the table. "Yes, I had Yulin tortured," says Palmer, "but just as I suspected, he knew about the B-O-M-B." Yulin lies and says that he only said what Palmer wanted to hear, under pressure from that torture and all. "You knew more than that, Yulin," says Palmer, reminding Yulin that he knew of the location of the B-O-M-B on Norton Airfield and the Coral Snakes, et cetera. Palmer asks to see the rest of the tape for corroboration. There is no rest of the tape. "That can't be!" says Palmer. "I was in that room for another ten minutes." PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig assures him that this was all that was given to him by the OC. Palmer calls this deliberate sabotage. "Yulin said a lot more than what was on that tape," says Palmer. Pippin asks if Agent Simmons, a.k.a. PoorMan'sRFK, could verify what was said. Palmer says he can't, since he sent him out of the room. He argues that the fact remains, he received important information from Yulin that checked out. Yulin argues that Palmer could have gotten that intel from a variety of intelligence sources. Palmer asks PMHC to back him up. "I only know what the president told me," says PMHC. "I wasn't in the room." Peter, don't you know what you just did…?
Yulin is dismissed from the witness box, and Palmer is invited to present any evidence he wants to the cabinet. Palmer speaks. He claims he has evidence that Yulin planted a B-O-M-B on U.S. soil. "While my behavior was extreme, I was only reacting to the extremity of the day's events," says Palmer, arguing that the bombing of innocent countries will rank as one of the most despicable sneak attacks ever, and that there will never be peace in the Middle East as a result. "We must delay the attack until we are certain of our ground." PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig interrupts with a message from Chappelle. Chappelle informs the cabinet that there is evidence in CTU's possession that the Cyprus tapes are forgeries. The evidence won't be available for fifteen minutes, however. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig declares that they should wait for the results of the evidence before proceeding.
Back at CTU, Bitchelle is on the phone with IT. No dice. Neither of them can retrieve anything from the chip. It's damaged. Bitchelle has, however, found the signature of the hacker who encoded the chip. Chappelle enters and asks what they have. Soul Patch tells Chappelle that the chip is more damaged than they thought; they don't have any evidence to show Palmer. "So Kiefer wasted our time," says Chappelle, exiting with a little turd face of his own going on. The time is 04:37:30 AM.
The time is 04:42:01 AM. As the rednecks are taken away by the police and Kiefer puts on a pair of shoes he "commandeered" from one of them, it seems that Cate is upset. She's sad. How does Kiefer deduce this? Because Cate is sulking all over her butcher block kitchen table and hiding her head in her hands. "I keep thinking it's all my fault!" says Cate, obviously having bribed the writers into writing her character an Emmy-clip-worthy survivor's-guilt moment. And not only is it an Emmy clip moment, but it's the beginning of Cate and Kiefer luvin'. Kiefer comes over to her, takes her in his arms, and, with his Sutherland velvety whisper on full blast, reminds her that she was the one who helped him find the B-O-M-B in the first place, and that her efforts saved millions of lives today. "But my sister was the one behind the B-O-M-B…" argues Self-Hate Cate. "But you're not you're sister," says Kiefer. He strokes her hair and pulls her to him. And Cate bathes in the rays of Kiefer's embrace for a long time. She absorbs its healing effects like a visit to Lourdes. I hear, incidentally, that if you get a drop of Kiefer sweat on you, it heals psoriasis, eczema, and shingles forever. But wait, it's not about the spirit. It's about the flesh. Cate pulls back demurely, and Kiefer is just about to go in for the big kiss with tongue and everything…when his cell phone rings. It's Soul Patch and Bitchelle, breaking the bad news that there were no audio files retrieved from the chip. However, Bitchelle did find junk code that may have been put there by a notorious hacker named Alex Hewitt, who left it behind as a signature. Soul Patch tells Kiefer that Chappelle is not going to let him follow up on any more leads from CTU, so Kiefer might as well check out Alex Hewitt. Soul Patch gives Kiefer Hewitt's last known North Hollywood address. So much for that kiss. Cate makes another turd face and tells Kiefer to be careful on his new mission.
Back at the Trial of David "ten-dollar whore" Palmer, PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig has just gotten off the phone with someone, and announces that the bombers have finished refueling, and therefore they must bomb the Middle East now already, for some reason. Palmer has them wait a few minutes. "This is the difference between peace and war!" says Palmer, waiting for Kiefer's call like one of those pathetic bitches on Sorority Life. Finally, Chappelle calls Palmer and patches him through to Kiefer. Kiefer breaks the bad news to Palmer about the chip being too damaged to prove anything. He does, however, promise to follow up on other leads, like EvilChrisElliott, the man who allegedly is trying to start World War III to raise oil prices. But Palmer needs hard evidence. Kiefer assures him he'll find something. He swears that he is absolutely convinced the Cyprus recording was forged. Palmer tells the cabinet that the evidence will not be forthcoming just now, but will arrive at some time in the future. "When will that be, sir?" asks someone from the floor. "I don't know," says a defeated-looking Palmer. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig announces that the window for a surprise attack is fast a-closing. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn asks if he can speak to Palmer in private. They walk off together.
"This Kiefer thing is an illusion," says PMHC. "A mirage." He begs Palmer to authorize the attack for the sake of the country. Palmer blows him off and asks that they take a vote already. The first person to cast her vote is the Secretary of Transportation. I have to say that the Secretary of Transportation doesn't really look like a U.S. Presidential cabinet member. She's too retro. She's got on this cute "working woman of the fifties" outfit on, and it just doesn't look right. She looks more like an extra in a Target commercial. She does vote in favor Palmer, however. Meanwhile, as the cabinet casts their votes, PoorMan'sHumeCronyn is tabulating the results on this computer program that looks like the video program you use to keep score in a bowling alley. The Secretary of the Treasury, who looks like Eraserhead, votes against Palmer. The time is 04:49:17 AM.
The time is 04:53:43 AM. Klockwise from the top left, the voting continues, so does that gay scorekeeping by PMHC, Palmer awaits his fate, cabinet members watch the procedure, and Kiefer's in a new Kiefmobile. At CTU, Soul Patch's phone rings. It's Kiefer from the new Kiefmobile, half a block from Hewitt's loft. He asks for Hewitt's FBI file. Soul Patch gives it to him. Apparently, he's a graduate of CalTech and revamped the State Department's entire surveillance system. He was caught manipulating files, and attempted suicide in custody. He was recently released from a psychiatric prison. Kiefer asks if he had any connection to EvilChrisElliott. Soul Patch replies that there is none. Kiefer loads his gun and promises to get back to Soul Patch when he can.
The Trial of David "The Beer Can" Palmer. Now that the Secretary of Agriculture and the Secretary of the Interior have voted against Palmer, fourteen votes are in, according to PMHC's gay accounting system. And the count is seven to seven, with Pippin just about to cast the deciding vote. "I've never met a man I respected more than you," says Pippin. "But we are talking about tens of thousands of American lives." He votes against the President. PMHC notates it with that gay counting thing, and closes the top to his laptop ominously. Like, he lost, we get it. We don't need it on an electronic display. This isn't televised. PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig tells Palmer that he can appeal their decision to Congress in four days…or whatever the Constitution says. Meanwhile, Palmer must remove himself from the decision-making process. That Secret Service agent with a speaking part from last week arrives with two Marines in camouflage. Oh, wait, I can't see them. They're in camouflage. "I'm not a lawyer," says SSAwSP. "But as far as I can tell, the Constitution has been followed." With that, SSAwSP is no longer Palmer's Secret Service Agent; he's his warden. Although I'm confused as to why Palmer is being imprisoned. He was removed as President, but when did he get sentenced to prison?
Meanwhile, at Jack Hewitt's Loft of Fringe Activity, Kiefer enters to find the door forced open and the place ransacked. He shines a flashlight everywhere. There's no sign of Hewitt. Meanwhile, bombers make their way toward the Middle East, and PoorMan'sAlexanderHaig is sworn in as President of the United States on a split screen. Klockwise from the top left, the floor of CTU is abuzz with activity while Chappelle watches over everyone, not unlike Mr. Burns from The Simpsons; Spawn waits to arrive at NoDaddyNo Manor; Palmer is taken to his Holding Cell. Meanwhile, someone else has entered Hewitt's loft. Kiefer hears the elevator arrive at his floor. He turns off his flashlight and waits for what he hopes will be Hewitt. It's not. It's Lady Mac, looking for Hewitt herself. No shit. The time is 04:59:58…04:59:59…05:00:00 AM.