Electric Blue Kiefer. 24. Previouslys. Yulin swears that the B-O-M-B couldn't possibly go off, since Colonel Sanders and the Coral Snakes are following it every step of the way. Oh, but then Kiefer finds a bunch of dead Coral Snakes, so there goes that theory. Lady Mac gets busted. Spawn is lured into some strange guy's bomb shelter. The "mission" depends on Raggedy Marie now, according to Syed Ali, but Justin Al-Guarini is flying the plane over L.A. with the B-O-M-B in it. Kiefer katches him before the plane gets off the ground, but a fake B-O-M-B is found inside. The real B-O-M-B is still at large. I repeat, the real B-O-M-B is still at large.
John Cougar Mellencamp has left the building after a particularly jamming concert at the Hynes Auditorium in Boston, Massachusetts. This tour is really for the fans, y'know? Roadies break down the set, put all the sound equipment into those wheeled cases, and load it into a van while interns at the Emerson University television station who are recording the concert for a simulcast pack up as well. Security finds a male stalker backstage who bears a striking resemblance to Justin Guarini, so they remove him. Oh, wait. It's Norton Airfield. The fake B-O-M-B (a poor man's nuclear warhead? PMNW? Faux-B-O-M-B?) is scanned for clues, and Kiefer tries to question Justin Al-Guarini, who unfortunately doesn't speak any English. Okay, call me old school, but I have always felt that if you're going to launch a terrorist attack against a country, you should probably learn at least a few phrases of said country's native language. Am I right? Otherwise, you're being rude and disrespectful…like going to a restaurant in France and asking for ketchup. Plus, how can you hate America enough to nuke it unless you've caught a rerun of Blossom? And yes, I know they dub it for international syndication, but it's just not the same. Kiefer requests an interpreter. I repeat, Kiefer requests an interpreter.
CTU. Up in the old Kiefer Kube, Mason's hair is falling out in clumps. I repeat, Mason is losing his hair. He digs through a first aid kit for something -- an over-the-counter remedy for radiation sickness? -- and looks in the mirror. Things don't look so good. A receptionist buzzes him to tell him that Kiefer's on line one. Kiefer wants Mason to use some Whatever Satellite Technology to trace where the real B-O-M-B was taken. Mason isn't really present, and Kiefer notices. He tells Mason that for the sake of the investigation, Mason needs to step down and let someone more able-bodied run things. "There is no one else," says Mason dryly. Kiefer suggests Soul Patch. Mason changes the subject and tells Kiefer about the seventh Coral Snake. Kiefer says that he already suspected something like that, since the gunshot wounds indicate that the first three shootees must have known and trusted the shooter. Meanwhile, a search of Justin Al-Guarini has turned up absolutely no identification. He keeps akalaking like he's willing to talk, but no one can understand what he's saying. Kiefer radios for the interpreter once again. I repeat, Kiefer radios for the interpreter once again.
Over at that secured area at Norton Airfield, Cate is getting bored hanging out and waiting to have unspoken chemistry with Kiefer again, so she picks up a cell phone and calls Papa Crew. Where she got a phone and where Papa Crew got a phone -- let alone how he got permission to talk on it while in CTU custody -- I have no idea. Cate explains -- sorta -- that she's helping "one of the agents" with the investigation. I guess Cate felt left out being the only Warner up until now who isn't involved in some sort of clandestine mission. They discuss Reza's death and Marie's secret life as a terrorist. Needless to say, they are both shocked by everything they've learned today. Their conversation is interrupted by Kiefer. He needs Cate to translate since the interpreter isn't there yet. I hope she remembers some other words besides "prayer."
NSA. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn and Palmer are reacting to the latest bombshell that Yulin dropped -- that Lady Mac was involved with his conspiracy and, by extension, the B-O-M-B. PMHC is shocked. Or at least he pretends to be shocked. After all, he did learn from Rolaide that Lady Mac and Yulin were in contact. Lady Mac has been summoned. Palmer enters the conference room where she is waiting. Not showing his hand right away, he tells Lady Mac what Yulin told him about the B-O-M-B and how Colonel Sanders's men lost track of it, and then watches her pretend to be shocked by the news. "Am I telling you something you already know?" asks Palmer. Cut to a close-up of Lady Mac's face framed by her immaculately manicured fingertips. It's like she's auditioning for the role of Annie Sullivan in the play The Miracle Worker and this is the headshot she sent to the casting director. Lady Mac gets excited and demands to know what Palmer has heard, swearing all the while that she's being framed or played. Palmer tells her to sit back down in her fatigue-green molded polyurethane Eames chair and start telling the truth. "As the President of the United States, I order you…no, as someone who you claim you love, I'm asking you to help me here," says Palmer. Oh, nice touch with that whole "someone you claim you love" thing, Palmer. It was cheesy, but good cheesy…like a wheel of Epoisses de Bourgogne. Finally, Lady Mac comes clean. Or at least as "clean" as she's going to come until the plot twist. Yulin called her a few months ago and tried to recruit her for his conspiracy. Oh, that sounds suave. "Hey, Lady Mac? Wanna join our conspiracy to bring down your husband? You don't? Oh, well, we understand. Hey, don't tell anyone, okay?" Yulin wanted to know Palmer's weaknesses and which of his staff members Yulin could "turn." But Lady Mac only gave Yulin the information he wanted in order to gain his confidence. She swears it was all part of her multi-point plan to save Palmer and defeat the enemies in league against him. She begs for "thirty minutes" to prove to him that she's telling the truth.
Back at Norton Airfield, Cate speaks to Justin Al-Guarini; she manages to ascertain that he is a suicide bomber for hire who only participated in the plot to earn money for his family. Um, whatever. Kiefer tries to get Cate to ask him where the second B-O-M-B is, but Cate speaks a different dialect than Justin Al-Guarini, so he doesn't understand her question. Finally, the more qualified but less camera-friendly translator arrives. Cate apologizes for not being more of a help. Kiefer assures her that she's been a big help. It's all about preserving Cate's self-esteem today, isn't it? HotAsianFromAngel enters and escorts Cate back to her safe area yet again. The official translator asks Justin Al-Guarini about the second B-O-M-B. Justin doesn't know anything about it. Kiefer approaches him and gives him a good long velvety penetrating stare. Meanwhile, outside the hangar, Cate is about to get into the HAFA-mobile when she notices a group of people waiting in line to enter another building. When she asks HAFA about it, he explains that they're all being checked because of the airport lockdown. At the end of the line is a familiar-looking woman with a mushroom-cap-shaped puff of chestnut hair. It's Marie! Cate calls out to HAFA, who is still within earshot, and tells him that she's found her sister. He grabs a couple of men, and they go over and arrest her. Oh, wait! That didn't happen at all. What really happens is that millions of viewers across Americas scream into their television sets for Cate to call for help, but she isn't listening. Instead she stands there for fourteen minutes like a deer in headlights and then decides to start walking slowly over towards her sister. The time is 09:11:25 PM.
The time is 09:15:39 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer kontinues to kwestion Justin, Cate walks toward her sister, and Palmer mulls over what to do about Lady Mac. Back at the Lonnie-bomber's cabin, Spawn is in a tearful panic down in the bomb shelter and trying to get more information out of Lonnie-bomber about the faux-blast, how big it was, and how many people died et cetera. Lonnie-B claims that he doesn't know because the transmission went dead before he could learn more. Spawn wants to get in touch with Kiefer. Lonnie-B reminds her that they can't leave the shelter until they learn which way the radiation is heading; he "tries" "unsuccessfully" speaking to someone on his shortwave radio, which unbeknownst to Spawn sounds just fine on Lonnie-B's headphones before he surreptitiously pulls out one of the wires in the back. Lonnie-B suggests that he's not picking anything up because the radiation has affected the antenna. Spawn's breasts heave as she sobs some more. "What's going to happen to us?" asks Spawn. Lonnie-B reaches over to touch her but stops short of her actual jean-jacketed back -- like he doesn't have the courage to make a move or there's an electric force field surrounding her. "We're safe down here," says Lonnie-B. "I promise."
CTU. Mason leans up against one of the perforated aluminum wall dividers and coughs quietly to himself. Then he notices a suspiciously camera-friendly non-white woman working at Darlene's desk, wearing one of those seventies man-tailored suits for women that Shelley Hack had on in the "Charlie" ads. He approaches her and asks if she's the new programmer brought in to replace Darlene. The new girl replies that she is, and introduces herself as Carrie Turner. Mason has another coughing fit, and Carrie remarks that he looks worse than she expected. The two make Whatever Technology small talk, and then Carrie asks Mason who she should report to. Mason replies saltily that she is to report directly to him. Not one to mince words, Carrie mentions hearing a rumor about Mason's failing health, and asks once again who she should report to. "I finally get someone around who I like and I'm not going to be around long enough to enjoy it," sighs Mason. And what's not to like? They are both misanthropes who like chicks, after all. He tells her that she can report to Soul Patch and Bitchelle. At the mention of Bitchelle's name, Carrie does a double take. She tells Mason that she used to be Bitchelle's boss at District. Oh, so basically she's this season's Alberta, but with a hierarchical twist. Carrie swears that this will not cause any problems. Meanwhile, the viewers, who don't care about her programming skills, hope that this plotline doesn't end up a loose end like Alberta's did last year. Suddenly, Mason passes out and collapses. Dude, you'd think he'd keep it together for some vicarious girl-on-girl action!
Norton Airfield. Cate has not called for help yet, but she has made it across the parking lot to the building she saw Marie enter. That's right -- it took eight minutes for Cate to cross the parking lot. Isn't that the time it takes Kiefer to drive across the state of California? Oh, never mind. Cate enters the building and watches all the people being checked in by security and scanned by metal detectors. The whole scene kind of reminds me of the beginning of the movie version of The Handmaid's Tale when they're separating out all of the infertile women. Out of the corner of her eye, Cate spies a familiar mushroom cap slipping out a back door. She calls out to Marie, but there's no answer. She goes to follow her, but she's stopped by a guard. Why this guard is stopping Cate, who is wearing an ID badge and a CTU track suit, and not Marie, who is wearing a Showgirls wig, is beyond me. Nevertheless, the guard finally lets Cate through once Cate remembers that she has a badge and gives the guard a better look at it. Cate also tells the guard to radio Kiefer. "Just tell him Marie Warner is here," she says casually, like she's asking her receptionist to call her when the Chinese food she ordered arrives. Cate goes out the back door and follows a mushroom-y shadow out into the parking lot. Just when she thinks she's lost her, Marie is right behind her, demanding her badge. "Where have you been?" whines Cate. "Everyone's been looking for you." It's like dinner's ready and Marie has been sulking in her tree house. Raggedy Marie pulls a gun on her and demands her badge yet again. And of course, she also launches into one of those monologues that the villain always delivers right before she kills the hero, giving said hero time to either escape or be rescued.
"You have always treated me like I was some sort of helpless injured animal," says Raggedy Marie. "What happened to you?" asks Cate, still not turning over the badge. "I opened my eyes," says Marie, launching into a diatribe about the hypocrisy of the USA and of people who work for the CIA like Papa Crew. "What are you? Six years old?" says Cate. "I can't believe how ungrateful you are." She reminds Marie how she and Papa Crew turned their "lives upside down" to take care of Marie after her mom died. "What do you think we did that for?" asks Cate. "So you could turn around and get brainwashed by some lunatics? You're about the become the biggest murderer in the history of this country!" Marie slaps Cate, pushing her to the ground, and demands her badge again. Cate refuses. Marie threatens to kill her again, but Cate -- displaying a newfound lucidity -- doesn't think she's capable. Before we can find out if Marie is capable or not, a shot rings out. Kiefer has arrived just in the nick of time and shot Marie in the arm. He approaches with a team of agents, and they bring her into custody. "My arm! My arm!" screams Marie as millions of viewers high-five their television sets. Neither the ecstasy of St. Teresa, the call of Shamu the killer whale, the moans of Georgina Spelvin in The Devil in Miss Jones, or Bjork's first solo album can compare to the divine pain of Raggedy Marie with a bullet in her arm. "I take it that's your sister," says Kiefer dryly. Hee! The time is 09:23:43.
The time is 09:27:56. Klockwise from the top left, Marie is still screaming like a dolphin trapped in a tuna net, Spawn awaits her fate in the faux-bomb shelter, and Lady Mac massages her temples. Raggedy Marie is brought into one of the hangars by two CTU agents, followed by Kiefer and Cate, who has a bug up her ass for some reason about the amount of pain that Marie is in. "You can't let her suffer like that," says a bossy Cate, demanding that they give her something. I've got something for Marie's pain. It's called table salt. Ask her if she wants iodized or non-iodized. Nevertheless, Kiefer explains that they need Marie to be in pain so they can koerce her into kooperating. There is, after all, a second B-O-M-B still at large. The agents handcuff Moaning Marie to a chair. Kiefer enters. "Where is the B-O-M-B, Marie?" he says in his velvetiest authoritative voice. "I'm not going to tell you guys anything," says Marie in a surprisingly low throaty voice. Kiefer grabs her arm right at the site of the wound and explains that the bullet is still inside of it and that's why the pain is so severe…and even more severe now that his finger is right there. Kiefer promises to remove the bullet if she tells them where the B-O-M-B is. "No," shouts Marie, her defiance dissolving into whimpers. "I'm not afraid to die." Kiefer doesn't believe her. "I've seen people willing to die," he says. "I've looked them straight into the eyes just like I'm doing with you right now and you are not one of them." Once again, he promises her something for the pain if she tells them where the B-O-M-B is. Marie tosses her sweaty, sticky head back and screams some more. Wow, if Laura Harris has trouble finding work after this job, she could always make a lot of money appearing in Bukkake videos.
Back at the Lonnie-bomber's cabin, Spawn has finally calmed down and the two of them are drinking coffee. Although she now kind of looks like Jessica Lange as Frances Farmer after the lobotomy. While Lonnie-B goes over and pretends to try to fix the radio, Spawn asks if there's any sugar in the shelter. Lonnie-B points her in the direction of his sugar supply on one of the utility shelves. Spawn finds the sugar to a canister of CoffeeMate. Oh, you don't want me to go off on the evils of CoffeeMate again, do you? Also on the shelf to the sugar is a TV set. Spawn turns it on and sees that all the stations are coming in clearly, and there's nothing on to indicate that the end of the world is near…well, except for Married by America on the FOX network, but that's a whole other rant. Meanwhile, Lonnie has no idea that the TV is on because he's listening to the shortwave radio on his headphones. She covers up the TV again, grabs the sugar, and pretends that nothing is amiss.
CTU. Soul Patch and Bitchelle are looking at an online bio of a special ops soldier named Jonathan Wallace, who they believe is the seventh Coral Snake. Man, that guy is ugly, and no, I don't recognize the actor in the photograph, so I doubt it's anyone that famous. Apparently he led a sniper unit in the Gulf War and an assassination detail in Malaysia. Soul Patch tells Bitchelle to forward the info to Kiefer and NSA. He exits just as Carrie enters and approaches Bitchelle's desk. "Carrie, what are you doing here?" asks Bitchelle, giving me the impression that she says this kind of thing to Carrie quite often. As in, "Carrie, what are you doing going through my underwear drawer?" or "Carrie, why are you hiding in my gynecologist's examining room with a Polaroid camera?" or "Carrie, why are you holding my pet rabbit over a pan of boiling water?" Carrie explains that she's Darlene's replacement. They make Whatever Technology small talk for a while. "You look great, by the way," says Carrie. Bitchelle tells her to stop it. "You're not my boss today," she says. "Fine," says Carrie. "Give me an order then." Meanwhile, Soul Patch is over at his desk watching the whole thing and playing pocket pool. Hell, I'm playing pocket pool. "There's a nuclear bomb in L.A.," says Bitchelle, giving her a stack of Whatever Portfolios. "Analyze these." Carrie is all, "Fine." She gives her a wink and exits. I repeat, she winks at her and exits!
The time is 9:34:54 PM. Mason approaches Soul Patch's desk and tells him that he's stepping down. "I don't feel so hot," he explains. He asks Soul Patch to say goodbye to the staff for him and tell them what an honor it was to work with them and what a great job they all did. He then hands Soul Patch all of the important access codes for CTU on a disk. "I can't take this," protests Soul Patch. "Only directors have this kind of access." But Soul Patch is the new director, according to Mason. He's cleared it with Chappelle and everything. Soul Patch begins to say something sensitive about how sorry he is about Mason's imminent death, but Mason cuts him off and wishes him luck. He heads toward the door past Bitchelle, who looks like she's about to cry. Mason's eyes get red as he heads into the proverbial sunset. The time is 09:35:57 PM, but when they show the digital display, there's no "plink…plink…plink" sound. And the only other time they did that is when Bride died, so I strongly suspect that we've just seen the last of Mason.
The time is 09:40:24 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn deals with the fact that the B-O-M-B never went off, Soul Patch gets comfortable in the old Kiefer Kube, and Kiefer pauses during his interrogation of Marie. Soul Patch starts to make arrangements to have all of his calls forwarded to his new office. He rolls up his sleeves and descends the staircase, where several staff members are gathered for some reason. With his jacket off, Soul Patch's billowy purple rayon shirt and tightly belted pants remind me of Roy Scheider as Bob Fosse in All That Jazz, or, for that matter, Carmine "The Big Ragoo" Ragusa, Shirley's dancer boyfriend on Laverne and Shirley. Soul Patch tells the gathered staff members about Mason's exposure to plutonium earlier that "day" and his subsequent resignation. He also announces that he'll be in charge until further notice. "On a normal day, we'd be mourning George," says Soul Patch, as well as the rest of the CTU staff members killed in the blast. "Unfortunately we're going to have to hold our thoughts of them until we can get through this present crisis." 'Cause the dance must go on, right?
Norton Airfield. Kiefer is supposedly "interrogating" Marie, but it looks really pornographic. Her face is really shiny, and he keeps saying "stay with me" and massaging her neck. Finally he asks Goodrich to give her some Demerol so she doesn't go into shock. Ooh, Demerol! I've never taken it myself, but I've read about it in books like Valley of the Dolls and it sounds awesome. Neely O'Hara gets hooked on it while making a film in Spain and her eyes are described as "burning like coals" all throughout the movie. , Kiefer asks Cate to talk to Marie and remind her of the "things she used to love" so that they can break through the brainwashing. Oh, way to remind Marie why she became such an angry young woman in the first place, Kiefer! Cate approaches Marie, who just got shot up with Demerol and looks like she's having a party all by herself in that chair of hers. Cate caresses her and pleads with her to help them stop the bomb. "I am going to help you," says Marie. "I'm going to help you stop being part of the problem." "So it's okay with you if Dad and I die today?" asks Cate. Marie reminds Cate that she killed Reza. "And I loved him," she says. "Why would I care about you and Dad?" Cate insists that she and Papa Crew love Marie and that she has to help them stop the B-O-M-B. Marie claims that she can't. All of a sudden, Marie starts crying and making those squeaky moans again because the Demerol has just worn off. Damn, that was some fast-acting Demerol. How long did that work? Seventeen seconds? Even crack cocaine lasts longer than that! Hell, inhaling whipped cream propellant lasts longer than that! Kiefer refuses to give her anymore Demerol until she tells them where the B-O-M-B is. Marie begs Cate to make Kiefer "make it stop." Cate tells Marie to "make it stop" herself. Marie finally gives in. She tells Kiefer that the bomb is in a suitcase being transported by van to the Arco Towers downtown. But when Kiefer asks her when the B-O-M-B is set to go off, Marie claims to know it will detonate in three hours because she saw the timer. However, when Kiefer asks her to describe the timer, Marie can't. Kiefer klaims that there would not be a timer on a bomb that size, and therefore Marie is lying and trying to get them away from Norton Airfield because that's where the B-O-M-B really is. They probably don't even have three hours. He gets on his radio and orders everyone to search all the buildings at the airport. Kiefer and the agents head out to search, leaving Marie alone with Cate. "They're not going to find it in time," Marie says. "We're all going to die." Oh, please -- there are ten episodes left. There is no way the B-O-M-B is going off. The time is 09:47:38 PM.
Oh, Celine Dion, you are so reticent on the details of your family life now that you've had a baby. Do you love your baby? Do you drive him around in a Chrysler Town and Country minivan? We just really really wanted to know. And while we're on the subject, who exactly is driving this minivan while you are making out with your baby? I repeat, who is driving this minivan while you are making out with your baby?
The time is 09:51:51 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn and the Lonnie-bomber get ready for bed, Cate looks concerned, and Lady Mac is still sitting in that Eames chair awaiting her fate. In Palmer's office, PMHC tells Palmer that he's set up a video call for the President with Steve Hillenburg, a CIA bigwig. Why would PMHC "set up" a video call? Is he the IT guy? Palmer enters the board room where Lady Mac is sitting and talks to Hillenburg by Whatever Video Phone. Hillenburg confirms that Lady Mac contacted him four months ago, because Yulin was trying to recruit her to undermine his presidency and she wanted an independent source to confirm her innocence. For some reason, Hillenburg decided to keep this a secret from the president in order to protect both Palmer and Lady Mac. Apparently, he also has photographs, taped conversations, and "debriefs" to back up her story. "These meetings that Yulin and Lady Mac had, where did they take place?" asks Palmer. Hillenburg refers the question to Lady Mac, who says that they met in a hotel room in Hilton Head. "But I didn't sleep with him," adds Lady Mac quickly. "I didn't ask," says Palmer without missing a beat. Heh. They say goodbye to Hillenburg, and Lady Mac pleads with Palmer to believe that she was not really part of Yulin's conspiracy. "You might be telling me the truth and then again you might not," says Palmer. "But right now I don't have the time or the energy to figure out whether I can trust you or not." Lady Mac insists that Palmer needs her, and so does the country for that matter. She even grabs his hand so that he can see that big honking wedding ring on her finger. Palmer tells her to leave and threatens to have her arrested if she resists. Secret Service men come to take her to her car. Whoa!
Back at the Lonnie-bomber's cabin, Lonnie-B sets up cots for them to sleep on while Spawn pretends to still be freaked out about the B-O-M-B. While Lonnie-B tries to make small talk, Spawn looks around the room and spots a hunting knife. She asks Lonnie-B to get her a product-placed Advil for her foot. When he turns his back, she hits him in the head with a flashlight, grabs the knife, and threatens him with it. "I know the B-O-M-B didn't really go off," she says, demanding to be let out of the shelter. Lonnie grabs the knife away from her and claims that he just wanted someone to talk to, and he begs her to stay. Spawn insists on leaving, so Lonnie-B sort of loses his temper, grabs a gun, and loads it with ammo. But just when you think something foul is going to happen, he hands the gun to her and tells her she'll need it to protect herself against cougars. He escorts her to the door of the bunker, lets her out, and gives her directions to the trail. "Maybe you'll come back sometime?" says Lonnie-B gingerly. "I don't think so," says Spawn. Heh.
Norton Airfield. As Kiefer drives around the airfield in the Kiefmobile, he sees and hears gunfire going off ahead, and according to the CTU radio, a "hostile" is down. Kiefer pulls up to this hanger and enters. Goodrich shows him another bomb wrapped in a duffel bag. Moby arrives on the scene to investigate, and confirms that it is indeed the second B-O-M-B and that it has a trigger. Kiefer issues a local evacuation over the radio. The screen splits, revealing Palmer watching Lady Mac exit and Spawn making her way through the wilderness. Moby looks at something that resembles one of those dipsticks that you use to check the oil in your car, and confirms that the B-O-M-B is "armed." Unfortunately, he has no idea when. "It could be any second," says Moby. The time is 09:59:58…09:59:59…10:00:00 PM.