Electric blue Kiefer. A new hour of 24 begins now. Previouslys. Reza breaks and is ready to show CTU the Crew and Co. database so that they can find out who authorized that "shipping or-dah" to Syed Ali. Cate is kidnapped. Mikey Palmice is tortured, then killed. Flight 69 goes down, and a mysterious militia group is there to finish off the survivors. Nina gets immunity for the murder of Kiefer in exchange for information leading to the B-O-M-B. The Teen Twosome are still in police custody. Palmer cries quietly at his desk like the Native American in that ad looking at all the trash on the highway.
NSA. Press Conference. Palmer stands in front of a couple of trees…I mean, "in the bucolic outdoor setting of Lake Oswego," and announces to a half a dozen extras…I mean, the "frenzied press corps" that, yes, there is a terrorist threat he tried to cover up, but he only did so in order to prevent any undue panic. "What to release to the public and when is a matter of judgment," says Palmer. "And you have elected me to use that judgment in the best interest of this country." He wraps it up without taking any questions from the press, and walks back to the building with PoorMan'sHumeCronyn. They both agree that the speech was "not the Gettysburg Address," but it should buy them some time.
Back at the Angeles National Forest -- which looks strangely like Lake Oswego and the wooded area surrounding Gaines's TerrorKompound -- Nina continues to hold Kiefer hostage. And as it so often is in hostage situations on TV and film, the one with the gun finds it necessary to explain to his or her captive that their predicament is "nothing personal." "It felt pretty personal when you killed my wife," kwips Kiefer, his hands behind his head. Nina explains that she had to kill Bride because Bride had overheard her escape plans. "What about bombing CTU," says Kiefer. "All those people you used to work with." Not to mention all those co-workers you used to sleep with. Nina explains that she didn't bomb CTU. She only sold the plans to Wald. "Believe what you have to, Nina," says Kiefer. "But you killed your friends." Nina had friends? Okay, let's back up here. What happened to "Yelena"? I thought that Nina was really a chick named Yelena that infiltrated CTU for reasons we have yet to discover. ["Presumably they'd have begun referring to her officially as 'Yelena Von Lastname' if arrest processing revealed that as her real name, so 'Yelena' was probably the alias, not 'Nina.' Good thing I'm not overthinking this." -- Sars] If this Yelena woman was just a mole, then these "friendships" that Nina maintained at CTU were made under false pretenses. Also, I never saw any evidence of Nina having any "friends" at CTU. She was chummy with Soul Patch, who was her boyfriend at the time, but everyone else in that office seemed like they merely tolerated her as a co-worker. Also, hello? She gunned down a bunch of people in cold blood and betrayed her country? At this point, "friendship" is beside the point. It's like pointing out to a 9/11 bomber that one of the stewardesses on that flight gave him an extra bag of honey roasted peanuts, so he should feel extra guilty.
Nevertheless, Nina bristles at Kiefer's reminder of her behavior last season and does that "Shut up! Shut! Up!" thing that female and/or teenage villains always do before they lose it and make some crucial strategic mistake that is their undoing. Oops. Getting ahead of myself here. Kiefer notices a sharpshooter approaching; the guy can't get a clear shot at Nina. Kiefer decides to go for a walk. Nina tells him to stay where he is, and shoots the ground near him to indicate that she means business. Kiefer reminds her that if she shoots him before Palmer verifies the information about Syed Ali, it is in violation of the terms of her pardon. Uh, okay. That's news to everyone who was watching this pardon being negotiated last week, but hey, whatever. Nina reminds Kiefer that while she might go to jail, he'll be dead. But then, he's going die anyway, right? Kiefer kontinues to walk. Nina starts to follow him, and in doing so, she allows the sharpshooter to get a shot at her hand. She falls. CTU agents rush in and take Nina kaptive. She looks up from the ground angrily. Kiefer watches with a shit-eating grin on his face while they take her away. And yet again we have another seemingly difficult situation resolved at the top of the "hour."
Spawn and Enricky…oh God, who cares? Okay, I'll try again. Spawn and Enricky are led in handcuffs by PolicemanWithSpeakingPart into a waiting car to be taken back to L.A., home of the B-O-M-B. Enricky reminds the OWSP that all three of them will be killed by the B-O-M-B if they go back to L.A. Spawn whines some more about who her father is and how CTU was supposed to pick them up. Like Spawn hasn't learned by now that these CTU pickups never proceed as planned. When they reach the car, Enricky struggles with OWSP and tries to make a break for it. As he does so, a cigarette lighter falls out of OWSP's pockets, and Enricky surreptitiously grabs it. Although how it fell out is beyond my comprehension, since OWSP is stuffed into that uniform like a sausage and to get anything out of those pockets would require a pair of needle-nose pliers and a jar of pig fat. Also, I love how, in order to explain how Enricky would be possession of a cigarette lighter, they have to make it so that Enricky steals it from the officer and doesn't, say, have one himself for the occasional bong hit a clean teen like Enricky would never indulge in. Just say no to pot, kids. Like Enricky. The Teen Twosome is stuffed into an SUV regardless.
NSA. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn puts the phone down. "It's over," he says to Palmer, referring to the hostage situation and not, say, his romance with me. He tells Palmer about Nina being taken down without being seriously harmed. "Shall we take her back to prison?" asks PMHC. Palmer says no. He wants to wait until her information checks out before they pardon her, but in the meantime she should be held in L.A. "Let her share the fate of everyone she's endangered!" says Palmer. PMHC is all, "Yes sir," with a barely contained smirk.
Back at the crash site, Kiefer is in charge once more. While agents hold onto Nina, Kiefer radios for a chopper to bring him back to L.A. Their eyes meet, and Kiefer walks over and whispers something inaudible into her ear. According to the episode summary on fox.com, Nina's face "becomes masked with fear." Actually, she looks more annoyed, like Kiefer just told her that her ass looks fat in those pants. As Kiefer makes his way over to the chopper, he notices one of the dead militia men who tried to kill him and Nina. He kneels down to get a closer look, and sees a tattoo of a snake on the dead man's wrist.
The time is 5:06:37 PM. Warner Enterprises. It's housed in a tall glass and steel building and everything. HandsomeBlackAgent and a female partner of his escort a handcuffed Reza into Papa Crew's office, where they boot up the computer -- a brand new iMac with a flat screen monitor, for those of you who are keeping track -- and access the invoice files. Reza whines about having to use the computer while in handcuffs and how his life is over because his fiancée just left him on his wedding day. "There's a nuke somewhere in this city," says HandsomeBlackAgent. "And if you don't give me something useful in the hour, I'm going to take you back to CTU and chain you to the roof so you can have a front row seat when the damn thing goes off." Man, I am so going to miss this HandsomeBlackAgent when he gets killed. He's survived four episodes now, and he got to deliver a bad-ass line and everything.
Back at the Maison Du Pain, PonchoDude hasn't, despite Syed Ali's orders, killed Cate yet. And, I mean, who is really surprised? We all know that Sarah Wynter has a full season contract. Furthermore, she hasn't even met and had non-sex with Kiefer yet. So you know that thing they do in Bond films where they try to kill Bond, but they do it in this really long, baroque, drawn-out way so that he has time to escape or be rescued? Well, they're not lowering Cate slowly into a shark tank or anything, but they might as well be. First, PonchoDude decides to clean up the mess from Palmice's corpse before he kills Cate. Not that I have much experience with these things, but it seems like it would make more sense to kill both of them first and then clean up. I mean, why run the dishwasher if you only have one dirty plate? Right? Then Syed Ali walks in and asks why Cate isn't dead yet, so PonchoDude announces that he's decided that he wants to torture her some more so that they can be absolutely sure she didn't tell anyone about what was in those files before they kill her. Oh, that is so lame. Last week, they were just about to kill Cate and we were supposed to be totally scared. Now it looks like they're not going to kill her, and for no good reason other than that they just changed their minds. I hate it when they do this. So Syed Ali is all, "Akalakalak alak I want to pray one last time properly." PonchoDude is all, "Akalak alakalakalak you go do that, dude!" They embrace and say goodbye. Syed even strokes PonchoDude's hair a little. Wow, they really are America's worst nightmare: Islamic fundamentalists and sexually deviant. Ali exits, and PonchoDude and Cate are now alone. PD points to Mikey Palmice's bloody body and asks her if she wants to suffer like he did. Cate insists that she's told them everything she knows. PonchoDude walks over to his table full of instruments of torture, and because Kiefer hasn't arrived yet to save Cate, PD spends a little quality time selecting just the right surgical knife. The time is 05:09:39 PM.
The time is 05:14:03 PM. Klockwise from the top left, the Kiefer Kopter takes off, Handsome Black Agent is still alive and sitting in front of a computer with Reza, PMHC enters Palmer's office, and a police SUV containing Spawn and Enricky heads for L.A. with OfficerWithSpeakingPart at the wheel. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn hands Palmer the phone. I guess they didn't want to shell out the bucks this weekend for the uniformed extras, because PMHC is Palmer's receptionist tonight. God forbid they should have to pay Equity rates for a secretary to walk in and tell Palmer he has a phone call. Anyway, it's Kiefer kalling from the KieferKopter. He tells Palmer -- his velvety voice straining above the noise from the KieferKopter -- that the men who attacked them at the crash site were American. Well, duh! I mean, seriously -- does anyone think that, say, a bunch of heavily-armed Afghani soldiers in uniform could be deployed to California without anyone noticing? Like, you're just chilling at home, drinking some Diet Coke and seeing what's on eBay when out your window you see some Iraqi soldiers cutting through your backyard. No biggie. Or you're driving to the mall to return a DVD player to Circuit City and you're totally stuck behind this huge convoy of North Korean army jeeps making their way down Rte. 9 and it makes you late for your parents' anniversary dinner. Whatever. Nevertheless, Palmer is shocked to hear this. Kiefer tells Palmer about the coral snake tattoo he noticed on one of the dead soldiers. "That's the signature of a group out of Fort Benning," says Kiefer. "What sort of group?" asks Palmer. Why, a support group for breast cancer survivors, Palmer. What else? It's a renegade militia group, dumbass! Anyway, these solders are an undercover special ops unit under the command of some guy named Colonel Samuels. Only I'm going to refer to him from now on as Colonel Sanders, just because. Kiefer knows about these guys because they tried to recruit him early in his career. Furthermore, this unit is funded by NSA. Palmer suggests that maybe the tattooed soldier that Kiefer saw was just a lone mercenary working outside of the government. Kiefer admits that that's possible, but he doesn't think so because whoever commands those troops had access to Flight 69's flight plan.
CTU. So, this scene between Mason and Bitchelle was the very sort of thing I feared happening as soon as we learned that Mason was going to die. I just knew we were going to be treated to a variety of moments showing the misanthropic Mason connecting with his humanity and learning the true meaning of life now that he realizes that his days -- nay, hours -- are numbered. And you just know it's one of those scenes, because as soon as Bitchelle enters Ye Olde Kiefer Kube to ask Mason about some Whatever Procedure, Mason is in the midst of deep thought and tells Bitchelle that he trusts her since she's "got everything under control." Bitchelle's spidey sense goes off at Mason's newfound faith in her…and the coughing fit he has right then and there. "I'm so sorry," she says, obviously referring to Mason's impending death which she isn't supposed to know about. After several beats, Mason asks Bitchelle what she's doing tomorrow. Bitchelle confesses that she hasn't thought about it. They discuss happiness -- personal happiness. Mason reveals that he wanted to be a teacher, but he took a job at CTU because it paid $5,000 more annually, even though it made him miserable -- a misery he took out on everyone around him. Oh, like people just fall into jobs at CTU. I mean, everyone knows that those background checks are just so easy to pass…especially if you went to college in the seventies. Before you know it, you wake up in the morning and you're running a counterterrorism unit for the United States government. I hate it when that happens. Oh, and Mason? I don't recall any of my teachers back in high school being all that happy either. Mason urges Bitchelle not to make the same mistakes he made. "Find something that makes you happy and do it," he says. Bitchelle seems moved by Mason's advice. She walks off, presumably to do that proverbial something that will make her happy.
NSA. Yulin enters Palmer's office. Palmer asks him to tell him everything he knows about Colonel Sanders and his extra-crispy special ops unit at Fort Benning. Yulin assures Palmer that he knows nothing about the unit, but suggests that the DOD secretly funded them and buried it in the NSA budget. "How would you know that?" asks Palmer. "A minute ago you said you'd never heard of them." Yulin does his trademark shifty-WASP backpedaling and promises to "look into it." Palmer remains suspicious. Yulin exits, passing through the office that PMHC and Lady Mac are sharing temporarily, and gives Lady Mac an ambiguo-glance, which she returns. After Yulin is gone, Palmer comes out and tells them about the NSA-funded military unit that shot down Flight 69. PMHC asks why an American paramilitary unit would do such a thing. Palmer says that he doesn't know just yet, but he thinks Yulin is hiding something from him and they need to arrest him. "Arrest the president of NSA?" gasps Lady Mac. Palmer reminds her of all the shit that's gone down since Yulin arrived that "day": the military evacuation, Wieland's escape, and the Fauxraqi chopper going down. Lady Mac warns Palmer that firing the head of NSA will only cause panic, since he's running the search for the B-O-M-B. PMHC points out that, if what Palmer is saying is true, Yulin could be impeding the search for the B-O-M-B. They all conclude that they can't proceed until they find some hard proof of Yulin's involvement with Colonel Sanders. PMHC is dispatched to dig around some more.
Oh God, the pain of having to sit through this scene and trying to find something interesting to say about it. Spawn and Enricky are in the back of OWSP's car, being transported back to L.A. While OWSP has a chat with a dispatcher on the police radio, Enricky shows Spawn the lighter he just snagged. Apparently he wants to start a fire in the back seat that will do enough damage to delay their arrival in L.A. "This is crazy," says Spawn. "Not as crazy as going back to Los Angeles where a bomb will go off at any minute," says Enricky. Meanwhile, OWSP asks his radio buddy if he knows "anything about a bomb threat." Radio Buddy doesn't, even though Palmer just friggin' gave a press conference in which he admitted that there's been a terrorist threat levied against the U.S. Like, you'd think someone would put two and two together. ["On the other hand, 1) as far as we know, the feds haven't notified local law enforcement, and 2) most police officers probably aren't watching CNN while on duty." -- Sars] Spawn pulls a bandanna out of Enricky's left back pocket -- no comment -- and holds it near Enricky so he can light it. She stuffs the flaming bandanna through the grating between the front and back seats. OWSP loses control of the car, and of course they just happen to be driving along one of those mountain roadways, so when it goes off the road, it rolls down an embankment. The time is 05:23:45 PM.
The time is 05:27:55 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn emerges from the wreckage, Lady Mac watches her ex-husband work at his computer, and Enricky has a nosebleed. A still-cuffed Spawn climbs on top of the totaled police car and lets herself in through the window, where she grabs an unconscious OWSP's keys and uncuffs herself. Enricky is lying in the back seat with a bloody nose and a dazed expression on his face…like he's "playing dead" in a school play. Spawn picks up the police radio and, despite Enricky's pleas not to, tells the dispatcher to send an ambulance to pick up two injured people. She climbs into the back seat and tries to comfort Enricky.
Back at Maison Du Pain, whose exterior actually looks a lot like the Brady Bunch house, PonchoDude asks Cate one more time who she told about what she learned in her daddy's files. Cate still claims that she told no one. He takes the surgical tool and cuts her…earlobe. What?
Meanwhile, outside, Kiefer konfers with a handsome Asian agent. I guess they're running out of black agents. HandsomeAsianAgent has a laptop that's outfitted with some Whatever Technolology which makes it possible to determine that there are two people inside the house. Kiefer assumes that one of them is Syed Ali. That was one fast helicopter ride.
Meanwhile, although it has taken Kiefer about twelve seconds to arrive at the Maison Du Pain, Reza and HandsomeBlackAgent have only now managed to find Papa Crew's invoice files. I mean, they're invoice files. How hard is it to find them? Back when I temped, I was given access to the company invoice files on my first day. Just as they enter, HandsomeBlackAgent's female sidekick can be heard having a discussion outside the office. "You can't go in there, Miss Warner," she says. Hey, whaddya know? It's Marie. She wants to talk to Reza for just a sec. She sits on his lap, and they cuddle. She takes back what she "said before" and proclaims that she's "the man [she's] going to marry" and she understands that he has to do whatever he has to do. HandsomeBlackAgent sends her away, as they have work to do.
Back at Maison Du Pain, PonchoDude checks out Cate's earlobe. It's bleeding. Cate is crying hysterically. PonchoDude assures her that it's "just a nick" and that it's "not as bad as it feels." As he wipes the blood from her neck, Kiefer and his new Krew begin to surround the house and advance inside. Meanwhile, Cate begs PonchoDude not to kill her, but PonchoDude explains that "something terrible which will cause much suffering" is about to happen, and Cate would probably want to be killed now because it will be painless. Okay, I don't get it. First he starts mutilating her like he's going to torture her slowly, and now he saying he's going to put her out of her misery really fast. Huh? He takes out an automatic handgun, cocks it, and holds it behind her head. But before he can shoot her, he sees a shadow pass over the skylight. Agents rush in. PonchoDude releases a hailstorm of gunfire before shouting that he "has a vooman" in his custody, and he'll kill her if they come any closer. When no one responds, PonchoDude concludes that the agents are not rescuing Cate as much as they're trying to capture PonchoDude. Kiefer bursts into the room behind one of those riot shields and shoots PonchoDude in the arm. PonchoDude bites down on a cyanide capsule and begins to foam at the mouth. Kiefer escorts Cate out of the room and assures her that everything's going to be okay. Hey, how do they even know that she's not a terrorist too? Because she's blonde? HandsomeAsianAgent notices that PonchoDude is convulsing. He dies right then and there. Damn. Despite all those creepy knives and stuff, he was kind of hot. Kiefer gets on a walkie-talkie and orders someone to confirm -- through fingerprinting and DNA -- that PonchoDude is Syed Ali. D'oh! The time is 05:34:44 PM.
Oh, I just love this Volkswagen commercial with the Beck-ish looking waifboy going to his low-level office job day after day in a variety of "office casual" outfits while "Mr. Blue Sky" by E.L.O. plays. I love E.L.O. The only problem with this ad -- from a fiscal point of view, anyway -- is that I can never remember that it's a car commercial. Every time it comes on I say, "Oh goody, it's that Target commercial that I really like!" and I even start checking out the clothes because I'm thinking that I might have to go to Target and get some new pants; Mario, my ex, works in retail and provided me with free clothes for almost two years, and now that we're not together, I'm going to have to start actually buying clothes again like a normal person. And then it turns out to be an ad for the new Beetle Convertible and I'm like, "Oh, that's right!" But then the day the ad comes on again and I'm like, "Yay! It's that Target ad!" I never remember. And no matter how cute or stylish an ad is, if you don't remember what the ad is for, it's not serving its purpose.
NSA. Whaddya know? Lady Mac has found out about a "back channel communications network" called OPCOM that the CIA used to operate. She tells Palmer and PMHC that the network has been shut down for the last twenty years, but last month it was resurrected by Yulin. A source of Lady Mac's has been deployed to see if Yulin and Colonel Sanders communicated over said network. Palmer has PMHC call the Attorney General and have him be ready to arrest Yulin.
Back in the torture room at Maison Du Pain, as the forensics unit carries away Mikey Palmice's body, Kiefer calls Soul Patch and tells him to run a background check on Cate, since she was being tortured for information. What a coincidence! Soul Patch just happens to know who Cate is, because the rest of her family was just being held at CTU for questioning about their ties to Syed Ali. It's all making sense now. "Will Cate talk to you?" asks Soul Patch. "Because her family's not cooperating." Kiefer says that he thinks she'll talk, but she needs some time. Meanwhile, he tells Soul Patch to find a connection between the Warners and the B-O-M-B. Soul Patch hangs up, and they show a close-up of Bitchelle. I guess she's about to "do" what makes her "happy." Back at Maison Du Pain, Kiefer orders an agent to bring Cate back into the torture room.
NSA. PMHC has found a way into OPCOM, but it's "passcode-protected." Whaddya know? Lady Mac just happens to know a retired deputy director who has an account on that very same back channel communications network, and he can lend her his password. They should have their proof of Yulin's involvement in no time. Palmer is brimming with reluctant pride and gratitude toward his ex-wife. "I've forgotten how talented you are at this stuff," he says, drawing nearer to her. "I'm glad you're here." "I've always been here, Day-vid!" says Lady Mac. So, yeah, everything's great now between Palmer and Lady Mac. Boy, is it a good thing he took her back and let her have the run of her office. Everything is going to be just peachy from now on, now that Lady Mac's back! No, there is not going to be a plot twist or anything. Things are going to remain just the way they appear. Lady Mac is good. Palmer is smart to trust her. I feel warm and fuzzy inside. And that remark she made about "always being there" didn't give me the creeps at all. No sirree! The time is 05:47:39 PM.
The time is 05:51:51 PM. CTU. Bitchelle gets off the phone with HandsomeBlackAgent and tells Soul Patch that they haven't found anything yet, but Reza seems to be cooperating. They wrack their brains trying to figure out the connection between Chez Crew and Syed Ali, and Soul Patch has Bitchelle do more research. So then Bitchelle asks Soul Patch if he wants to go out sometime after they save L.A. Soul Patch tells her he's interested too. He's just a little shy after what happened between him and Nina. Jeez, I totally forgot about Soul Patch and Nina. "So you think I just want you for your information?" asks Bitchelle teasingly. They agree to go out if they're both still alive. Oh, and I'm predicting right here and now that Bitchelle is going to turn out to be evil by the end of the "day." This whole romance subplot is a cover to make us think she's just girly and nice.
Cate continues to talk to Kiefer. Hey, I didn't know that Cate grew up in Saudi Arabia! How useful! She doesn't remember a lot of Arabic or anything, but she knows she heard them use the word for "prayer." And it just happens to be time for Muslim prayer. Kiefer asks Cate to accompany him to a local mosque to identify Ali.
Yulin receives a cell phone call. It's Lady Mac. She tells him that she told Palmer about OPCOM so that she could regain his trust. She warns Yulin not to talk about her involvement when he is arrested. If Yulin "stays the course" as they had planned, he will have power, but Lady Mac must remain in place with Palmer. Dun dun dun!
On Papa Crew's computer, Reza uncovers Ali's shipping order for HandsomeBlackAgent. However, it had been entered last January when both he and Bob were in Europe and could not access their terminals. Reza realizes that someone was hacking into the system through his laptop while he was gone. Suddenly, HandsomeBlackAgent is shot. It's about time. Reza looks up to see Marie holding a gun. "I didn't expect you to find anything," she says. Reza is confused, and questions whether the last two years of their relationship really meant nothing. A tear falls down Marie's cheek. "You really are sweet," she says. She shoots Reza. There's a silencer on the gun and everything. The time is 05:59:58…05:59:59…06:00:00 PM.