Due to some violence, viewer discretion is advised…even though that violence is just a metaphor for sexuality.
Previouslys. Wieland is free and telling the world about the B-O-M-B, and everyone thinks Lady Mac set him free. Spawn tells PolicemanWithSpeakingPart about the B-O-M-B. Apparently, Papa Crew works for the CIA. Cate and Mikey Palmice are kidnapped after they go through Papa Crew's secret files. Nina kills Faheen after she finds out where the B-O-M-B is. Or where the B-O-M-B is supposed to be, anyway. She uses her knowledge to leverage herself a better deal, but before that can happen, Flight 69 goes down.
NSA. Wieland can be seen on a television describing his six-hour imprisonment, and Lady Mac is on the phone with various people trying to do damage control and find the source of Wieland's information. The television is turned off by a mystery hand. It's Palmer, wanting to know how Wieland got released. Lady Mac swears she had nothing to do with it. "I swear on the lives of our children." The lives of Theo and Li'l Lisa? Oh, I hope that she did release Wieland. PoorMan'sHumeCronyn enters and summons Palmer into his office. They sit down in front of a laptop, and PMHC plays Palmer a Quicktime Whatever Movie made from the surveillance cameras stationed outside of Wieland's cell. Armus can clearly be seen letting him out. D'oh! Palmer demands to know where Armus is. PMHC tells him that no one knows where Armus is, but assures Palmer that he'll be found. "Whoever he's working for is trying to keep me from finding this bomb!" says Palmer, getting overexcited. Um, Palmer? Exactly where are you looking for this bomb? Under the cushions of your Corbusier sofa? CTU is looking for the bomb. You are merely sitting in on a variety of policy meetings, firing people, and having fights with your ex-wife.
Meanwhile, Flight 69, which was just hit last week…I mean, a "few minutes ago," is looking from the outside like a winged vibrator whose batteries are running low. (Sorry!) Inside, Kiefer enters the kabin from the kockpit where he's just konfered with the pilots, and tries to kontrol the khaos. And by "chaos," I'm referring to the bouncy camera work giving the illusion that there's all this turbulence, even though the view from outside Flight 69 doesn't show any such shaking. As everyone bounces around, he tries to assure Handsome Black Agent Du Jour, PoorMan'sSeanAstin, and everyone else on board that the pilots think they may have found a safe place for a krash landing. Thanks for relaying that message, Kiefer. Now no one has to pay a couple of actors to play the pilots. Then Kiefer walks over to a Whatever Konsole, straps on some headphones, and gets on the phone with Mason. Apparently, these two unseen pilots had the presence of mind to try to land the plane and tell Kiefer where they're going to land (a riverbed in "Sector J"). They've given him coordinates and everything (34-30-44 north and 119-09-05 west). Soul Patch and Bitchelle listen on the call. Their hearts are in their mouths.
order of business: Kiefer asks Nina to give up the location of the bomb. "We've given you everything you've asked for," pleads Kiefer. Nina won't budge. Mason asks Kiefer to put him on speakerphone. Got that, people? Not only are the phones working at the just-bombed CTU, but Flight 69 has just been hit by a missile and everyone can be heard clearly via speakerphone. Mason asks Nina why she won't give up the location of B-O-M-B. Nina tells Mason that she's scared for her life. "Even if I survive this, Kiefer's going to kill me anyway," she says. She doesn't think that even the men assigned to protect her can protect her from Kiefer. Kiefer gives Nina his word that he won't kill her if she just gives up the location of the bomb. Ah, remember Kiefer's word? He seemed to give it in every episode last season. This year, we don't hear so much about the "word of Kiefer," and that truly saddens me. I miss you, WordOfKiefer. "I don't believe you," says Nina. PoorMan'sSeanAstin puts a gun to Nina's head and tries to bully the info out of her. Oh, and it turns out that PMSA's name is actually Rick -- like, way to recycle the name of Spawn's long forgotten boyfriend from last season. Kiefer tells him to take his seat. One of the unseen pilots announces that they're not going to make it to the riverbed. He tells people to assume crash positions, which cracks me up because all I can think of is that scene in Airplane where everyone poses as if they've just crashed. Nina gets this weird angry/suspicious look on her face like she's a child whose been forced to eat some food she doesn't like that's good for her. She fastens her seatbelt. Kiefer tries to give a new set of coordinates to CTU, but the radio is cut off. Wow, I bet the crash knocked out their email too. And that in-flight viewing of Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood starring Ashley Judd, Ellyn Burstyn, and Sandra Bullock? Not going to happen. You rented those earphones for nothing. Nothing! Mason tells Bitchelle to use some Whatever Technology to find out the plane's coordinates. Gee, d'ya think Kiefer's dead?
NSA. Palmer tells PMHC to prepare a statement for the press to be presented during the episode…I mean, "in the hour," and to find Armus. He goes into a conference room filled with molded fiberglass Eames chairs that aren't even available on DWR. Seriously, I used to make jokes about Eames furniture last season even though they didn't really have real Eames chairs on any of the sets, and now NSA is like a MoMA Eames retrospective. Lady Mac is pouring herself a cup of coffee from a white decanter inside the conference room. Palmer admits that it was Armus who let Wieland out. Lady Mac is shocked. "Armus doesn't have his own agenda. He must be working for someone else," she says. Whatever that means. What would Armus's "own agenda" be, exactly, if he's not working for someone else? Better working conditions for Secret Service goons? More flattering flak jackets? And what is up with the drinking of coffee and the speculation about who people are secretly "working for" on this show? Anyway, Palmer apologizes for "jumping to the wrong conclusion." Lady Mac accepts the apology gracefully. "I don't expect you to change your attitude towards me overnight." Well, actually, Lady Mac, Palmer hasn't had a "night" to change his attitude. Or have you forgotten that this show is in real time and you've really only been on speaking terms with your ex-husband for a couple of hours? She asks Palmer what he plans to do about Wieland now that the cat is out of the bag. Palmer has no idea. He supposes he'll have to attack Wieland's credibility or something. Lady Mac suggests that he just tell the truth. "It's what you do best," she says, referring to the way he handled the Theo situation. "You've earned the public's trust," she says. "Just use it." Ominous music creeps in. Palmer gets this weird look on his face. What's his problem? Lady Mac is actually making sense! Palmer explains that he doesn't know if Lady Mac has really changed, or if she's "just gotten better at pretending."
PMHC enters again to inform Palmer about Flight 69 going down. Palmer leaves the room almost in tears. Lady Mac and PMHC exchange some ambiguo-glances. Is that all you're going to say to me, Mike Novick? Can't you see me here behind the glass of the television? Are you ignoring me now? Was I too much for you? Did you get scared? Never mind. Run back to your wife, Mike Novick. I knew we didn't have a chance in hell. Enjoy the rest of your sad existence. But if you change your mind, I'll be waiting here like Uma Thurman in Hysterical Blindness, nursing my pain with screwdrivers, degrading one-night stands, and the music of Pat Benatar.
The time is 04:08:34. Flight 69 lies in pieces on the ground, in a sparsely wooded area that looks suspiciously like the woods surrounding the TerrorKompound from last season. Kiefer stumbles out of a portion of the plane like he just got off of a crowded subway. He clutches his ribs and lets out a velvet roar as he pulls a huge splinter out of his leg. Thanks for the acting, Kiefer, but since you're not going to limp or anything for more than five minutes, I'm not going to care too hard. He walks around and surveys the damage. "Rick" is semi-unconscious. For some reason, Kiefer feels the need to pull a piece of a plane out from to Rick and throw it to the side. Rick moans Nina's name and kollapses despite Kiefer's request that he "hang in there." Kiefer walks around some more and find the part of the plane that had Nina in it. Nina is in one piece, but unconscious. She's cuffed to her seat and looks like she's taking a nap. Kiefer takes out a key and uncuffs her. After he lifts the seat and throws it to the side, he clears her airway and gives her mouth-to-mouth. Uh, Kiefer? Not that we don't appreciate all of your efforts to work in some sex-like action where Nina is concerned, but keep in mind that Nina didn't just have a cramp in the swimming pool or choke on a piece of ham. She was in a plane that just crashed to the ground from the sky. Mouth-to-mouth isn't really called for. Plus, according to every Red Cross film I saw in high school, you really shouldn't move a crash victim, because you could totally break something important like her neck. Nina wakes up. Was it good for you too? The time is 04:11:42.
Dodge is the sponsor of tonight's episode. What happened to Ford? Did someone have a lover's quarrel? Oh, and I didn't want to like it, but Adaptation was good. There's a big sale at Pier One Imports, so they're re-running the Kirstie Alley ad from last year. This will be funny later.
04:16:07. Klockwise from top left, Kiefer attends to Nina's gash, Bitchelle sits at a laptop in the konfrontational koffee room looking for Kiefer via satellite, and Mason takes a pill. Then Mason joins Bitchelle in the KK Room, where she shows Mason where Flight 69 went down via satellite. All it takes is a few clicks of a mouse and they've got an instant replay of the missile hitting Flight 69. It's like how you can zoom in on a detail in Photoshop. Somehow they can tell that some sort of ground-to-air missile shot down the plane. Mason tells Bitchelle to get a list of everyone who knew about Flight 69's flight plan. He suspects that whoever shot them down doesn't want them to find the B-O-M-B and will want to finish the job, so he tells Bitchelle to make sure that search and rescue are well armed. He blows his nose. Bitchelle reacts suspiciously to this. It's not like you'd have a runny nose from the dust that's flying around after that explosion, because that all happened hours ago. ["Didn't his nosebleed drip onto her monitor? I thought it was more suspicious of her not to call him on that, but that's just me." -- Sars]
Mason exits and bumps into Soul Patch, who asks Mason expositorially why he just transferred Reza and Papa Crew to an interrogation room together. Mason is all, "Let's put them together and play them off each other." Uh, what? I thought you were supposed to separate people before you interrogated them so that they couldn't confer with each other and get their stories straight. Whatever. The nosy Soul Patch we all used to know and love emerges and asks Mason why he's so gung ho all over again about his job despite his shitty attitude that morning. After a heated exchange of "back off"s and "what's going on"s, Mason confesses to Soul Patch that he was exposed to radiation at the warehouse and has only hours to live. "I don't know what to say, George, I'm sorry!" says Soul Patch. He asks if anyone else knows about this. "Just Jack and you," says Mason. Just Jack? Interesting choice of words. Soul Patch asks if there's anything he can do. "Just do your job and let me do mine," says Mason. I think I'd save a lot of recapping time by creating a macro on my computer that automatically spits out a sentence like, "[Blank] brushes off [Blank]'s concern and demands that they get back to work."
So then Mason enters the interrogation room, where Reza and Papa Crew are indeed together and have had ample time to work out a story. Mason interrogates them about knowing Syed Ali, and roughs up Reza. He tells them about the B-O-M-B and about an invoice they found made out to Syed Ali from the Crew company. "One of you is lying right now," says Mason. "Whoever talks first gets immunity." Mason leaves the room to let them think about that.
Meanwhile, the Teen Twosome are still hanging out at the police station. Enricky is bugging out about the fact that they haven't been released yet. OfficerWithSpeakingPart comes in to inform them that the captain has overruled CTU, and has decided to take them both to central booking before anyone from CTU can pick them up. Enricky is all, "What did I tell you?" Spawn is all, "We told you why we can't go back to L.A.," and PWSP reveals that he's had a change of heart. Last week…I mean, "a few minutes ago," he knew Spawn was telling the truth. Now he's brushing her off since there's been no official report about a B-O-M-B or whatever. Uh, didn't Ron Wieland just tell the world that the president is covering up a potential terrorist attack? Whatever, PWSP. "As soon as my dad finds out, he'll fix things," says Spawn. "No offense," says Enricky, "but you were right when you said how messed up he is." Um, the police found a dead body in a car they stole, and Kiefer is messed up because they haven't been released yet? Whatever. Spawn explains that she only proclaimed that her father was messed up because she was angry and blamed him for what happened to her mom. "It wasn't his fault and he did the best that he could. It all just turned out wrong." And hopefully, by "turned out wrong," Spawn is referring to sneaking out, getting kidnapped, getting her mom raped, and then winding up in jail because she was macking on the guy who kidnapped her.
Back in the interrogation room, Reza starts to freak out. "How can they keep us he-ah without letting us see a lah-yah," he says. Papa Crew assures Reza that they will be framed for this no matter what happens. Reza starts to ask Papa Crew what he's hiding, since he was the one who authorized the payment to Syed. Meanwhile, Mason and Soul Patch are listening in on their conversation, and they're analyzing what they're saying through this Whatever lie detection software that measures the frequency of their voices or something. Apparently, Papa Crew's frequencies are "all over the place," while Reza's are "even." Even though the naked ear would say otherwise. Jeez, this office has everything. Who farted in the elevator this morning? Bitchelle will just log onto her handy-dandy odor-analysis program, analyze the methane, and do a cross-check with the DNA of every CTU employee. Who's been downloading porn from the internet? Bitchelle will just log onto a database that gives the sexual preferences of every single person ever. Since only three CTU employees are into "lactating mama" porn, it should be easy to single someone out. Who keeps leaving nasty Chinese takeout in the office fridge? Just do a cross-reference of phone calls made to Chinese delivery services within the last week, the MSG levels of every single employee, and the surveillance tapes from the cameras stationed in the CTU kitchenette. Oh, and I just thought I'd mention that Reza's package is totally perking through his trousers and making shadows across his legs. Reza asks about Papa Crew's involvement with the CIA, which Papa Crew tries to downplay. "I'm thinking that all of your generosity and acceptance is just a load of crap," says Reza. Papa Crew tells him to shut up. Uh, yeah, shut up, Reza. Like, hasn't it occurred to you that they're listening to this conversation? It's the CIA! How stupid are you? Finally, Reza notices a camera. He addresses it and tells Mason and Soul Patch that he can prove the authorization came from Papa Crew's computer. Papa Crew lunges at him to keep him from talking. ["And way to play it cool yourself, there, Papa. Not." -- Sars] A guard comes in and breaks them up. Mason and Soul Patch come in to take Reza to Crew and Co. to look at the computer or whatever. "I'm not taking the foh-all feh you, Bob," says Reza. The time is 04:23:51.
The time is 04:28:03 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Lady Mac is working at her desk, the Teen Twosome get "signed out," and Kiefer and Nina wait for search and rescue. At CTU, Bitchelle tells Soul Patch to tell Mason that search and rescue are about "twelve minutes away" from the crash site. She also asks what's "up" with Mason. Soul Patch plays dumb. "He's sick, isn't he?" Bitchelle has noticed that Mason has been sick all day since he came back from the warehouse where plutonium was found. "Plus I can read your face pretty well by now." 'Cause you sit on it all the time, right? Soul Patch is all, "He doesn't want anyone else to know." Wow. Not that any of these characters has been known to keep a secret, but he caved pretty fast. Bitchelle is concerned. She doesn't think Mason can do his job. Soul Patch disagrees. "He wants to do his job the way I've never seen before," he insists. Bitchelle isn't buying. Soul Patch promises to keep an eye on him.
NSA. Lady Mac stops Rolaide on her way to a meeting. She's made some changes to Palmer's speech. Rolaide is surprised that Lady Mac got her hands on it, since she hadn't even shown it to the president yet. "Asian Patty showed me a draft," says Lady Mac. "Well, she shouldn't have," says Rolaide, her frustration finally showing. She tells Lady Mac to stop "insinuating" herself into her business. "Waitwaitwaitwait," says Lady Mac. "Put your back down!" She explains that she's only trying to help, and that she came to Rolaide first instead of Palmer. "Mrs. Palmer, that sounds like a threat to me," says Rolaide. Lady Mac insists that Rolaide owes it to "David" to make the speech "pitch-perfect," lest the Wieland scandal bring down the administration. She slaps the envelope down on her desk and stomps off. Rolaide watches her go, thinking, "Whadda bitch!"
Back at the flaccid remains of Flight 69, Kiefer has made a radio out of coconuts and built the Howells a lovely bungalow where they can stash all the cash they brought with them on the boat. He handcuffs Nina to something, then uncuffs her and leads her somewhere else. Meanwhile, they hear men talking. "That doesn't sound like search and rescue," says Kiefer. Some militia guys can be seen making their way toward the crash site. One of them can then be seen shooting Rick in the head. "Who are these guys?" asks Kiefer. "Are they coming for you?" Nina has no idea. They duck behind some bushes. Kiefer hits one of them with a flare gun, and he and Nina take his automatic rifle. Nina runs ahead, away from the group. Kiefer stays behind and plays dead until more men come forward, and then he sits up and shoots a lot of them. He catches up with Nina and asks her to "run recon" for him and "handle the ammunition." Nina insists that they get to "higher ground" so she can "spot" for him. Gunshots can be heard in the distance.
Cate is sleeping in what looks like a Pier One Imports, or the dorm room of an Oberlin sophomore. Let's just say that someone who lives there has a hard-on for Persian tapestries. A man is in the room with her, "speaking Arabic" on a cell phone, according to the closed captioning. He puts a vial of something under her nose, and she wakes up. "Would you like some water, Cate?" says ArabicSpeakingMan. "Maybe some tea?" Uh-oh, it's a villain with hospitality. That's the worst kind! Cate groggily asks ASB how he knows her name. ASB knows more than that. He knows that Cate is "twenty-nine years old and [has] an economics degree from Stanford." "Who are you?" asks Cate. "My name is Syed Ali," says Syed Ali. Damn, I was so sure they were going to bring in a major celebrity to play Syed. My bad. Instead, they went with a vaguely hot soap actor. Cate reacts to his name, and then just as quickly tries to play it cool, admitting that she's "heard his name mentioned" but knows nothing else about him. Syed wants to know what she learned from looking in her father's files.
Cate plays dumb, so Pier One Imports spokesperson Kirstie Ali drags her over to a room in the back where Mikey Palmice is naked, bound, and being tortured by a Caucasian dude wearing a see-through plastic poncho and goggles. Oh, this isn't gay at all! Seventies icon Ali McGraw insists that he needs to know what Cate knows and who she told. Both Mikey and Cate insist that they know nothing, and therefore told no one anything. Uh, what is the point? Covering your trail a little too obsessively, are we? Cate insists that the files deleted themselves before they could even access them. Mikey backs her up while Poncho Dude takes an electric sander to a place below Mikey's waist that I don't even want to think about. Cate screams. Mikey screams. The time is 04:35:56 PM.
The time is 04:40:07 PM. Klockwise from the top left, PoorMan'sReneeZellweger waits for Reza at CTU while Reza does something; the Teen Twosome wait for something else. Meanwhile, Nina runs to "higher ground," followed by Kiefer. The militia guys are in hot pursuit. Nina hands Kiefer ammunition and calls out locations. They seem to be telescoping time during this gun battle, because it takes, like, ten seconds to kill everyone. Just as Kiefer is running out of ammunition, a CTU chopper appears in the distance. Kiefer and Nina "stay down" while the chopper makes a sweep of the militia dudes. Nina picks up the gun, loads it with ammo she secreted in her pocket earlier, and trains it on Kiefer. "I don't want to shoot you just yet but I just might have to," says Nina. She threatens to kill Kiefer if the CTU doesn't "stand down." She demands to talk to the president. "Now!" Since this episode aired, whenever my best friend Larry and I call each other, we open each phone conversation with "I want to talk to the president! Now!"
Back at the police station, the Teen Twosome wait to be signed out some more. Megan can be seen walking behind the glass, escorted by an officer. She breaks away and runs up to Spawn. For some reason, no one does anything about this, and the girly blondes embrace. JonBenet informs Spawn that she's being picked up by her "Aunt Emily" who lives in Santa Barbara…out of the nuclear blast radius. Spawn cries tears of joy over this news. OWSP notices Spawn's obvious relief and leads JonBenet to Aunt Emily. "Santa Barbara, that's like fifty miles from L.A.?" says Spawn. "More like a hundred," says Enricky. Oh, goody for JonBenet! Too bad about the other ten million people who are going to be vaporized…
Back at CTU, Marie waits for Reza. Soul Patch and Mason escort Reza past her. Bitchelle interrupts them to tell them that the hostiles are dead, but Nina took Kiefer hostage. Mason goes off to deal with it and asks Soul Patch to take Reza to Papa Crew's office. "Let me to-alk to heh," says Reza, about Marie. At first Soul Patch doesn't want to, but Reza points out that they "weh supposed to get married in an ow-ah." The lov-ahs unite. Marie tells Reza that a "top lawyer" is on his way to CTU to get Reza out of this mess. "I'm not going to need a law-yah," says Reza. Marie is confused. She's been crying so hard, she looks like Amber Valletta before she went to rehab. Reza explains that Papa Crew is the one with terrorist ties, and by exposing him, Reza will get immunity. That doesn't go over well with Marie, who bitches Reza out for turning on Papa Crew after everything he's done for Reza. "He teh-ned on me," says Reza. "He teh-ned on us!" Marie just walks away like she needs a sandwich to stop the room from spinning. Reza tries to follow her, but he can't because Soul Patch has got him. The time is 04:48:02 PM.
The time is 04:52:17 PM. The phone rings in Palmer's office at NSA. Palmer makes PMHC get the phone, because he knows it's Nina and he doesn't want to talk to her until she gives him "something in return." At the other end of the line, a cell phone can be seen in a pile of hay. Apparently, it has outstanding speakerphone capabilities, because Nina is able to negotiate herself another pardon from several yards away without having to put down the gun and get the phone herself. "I'll tell you where the bomb is in exchange for immunity," says Nina. PMHC points out that Nina already has immunity. "This is for a crime I haven't committed yet," says Nina. PMHC asks what the crime is. "The murder of Kiefer," answers Nina. Palmer, who is listening in, is stunned. Kiefer urges Palmer to take the deal since they have no choice. The needs of the many over the needs of the few, yadda yadda yadda. Palmer gets on another line to confer with Mason and Bitchelle. They also feel they have no choice, since Nina is their only chance to stop the B-O-M-B. Palmer acts for a few seconds, then gets on the line with Nina and promises her "everything she asks for" when and if they successfully stop the B-O-M-B. Nina gives up the address of Syed Ali's house. Mason tells Soul Patch to send some agents over. Palmer asks Kiefer if there's "anything [he] can do." Kiefer asks him to take care of his daughter and tell her that he, Kiefer, loves her. Palmer starts to kry. "There's only one choice to make and you made it," says Kiefer. Rolaide enters to tell him that the press corps is waiting. Palmer grabs a tissue and looks over the speech she's "prepared." Lady Mac watches from her makeshift desk as Palmer tells Rolaide that he's noticed she's "made changes." Um, I thought Rolaide made a big point of telling Lady Mac that Palmer hadn't seen the speech yet. Whatever. "It's better," says Palmer, who I guess is a graduate of the Evelyn Wood School of Speed-Reading. Rolaide takes the credit; Lady Mac gives her a smug look.
Back at the Sex Cave of Ali Baba, PonchoDude is doing something painful to the naked flesh of Mikey Palmice. I can't tell what, though. Cate begs PonchoDude and Ali McBeal to stop torturing him. "I don't know what you want," pleads Cate. "Yes you do," says Syed. "How can I tell you what I don't know?" screeches a desperate Cate. PonchoDude and Ali Landry exchange meaningful glances, as if they agree that enough is enough. PonchoDude takes out a gun and finishes Mikey Palmice off. Cate drops to her knees and sobs. "Kill her," says former heavyweight boxing champ Mohammed Ali, leaving the room. PonchoDude removes his glasses and poncho. The screen splits to reveal Palmer beginning his press conference while the Teen Twosome continue to wait in the police station and Reza is driven to Crew and Co.
Kiefer still has his hands over his head. Nina tells him that it "won't take them long to find Ali." Birds can be heard chirping in the background. "This isn't over yet," says Kiefer. I know. Fox committed to a full season. The time is 04:59:58…04:59:59…05:00:00 PM.