Electric blue Kiefer. 24. Previouslys. There's a nuclear bomb scheduled to go off some time this season…I mean, "day." Mason goes AWOL to escape the blast radius. KreepyEric and Palmer klash. Does PoorMan'sCateBlanchett's new brother-in-law to be have terrorist connections? Kiefer goes underkover among the junkyard gang, a right-wing terrorist group who have plans to blow up CTU. Spawn escapes No!DaddyNo! Manor with JonBenet, bashes DaddyStopTouchingMe with a tire iron, and loses JonBenet in a pile of empty cardboard boxes.
What is it about a nubile young girl in distress running through the streets without a bra? I'm not even straight and I find myself wanting to cruise by in a Trans Am and tell the pretty lady that I, Gustave, am going to take care of everything. Spawn is frantically searching for JonBenet. She shouts her name, asks for help from bystanders, and otherwise looks everywhere, but there is no response. Meanwhile, DaddyStopTouchingMe is being attended to by a team of paramedics. They are dressing his Spawn-inflicted head wounds and checking his reflexes when the police arrive. A belligerent and barely cooperative DaddyStopTouchingMe tells them that Spawn abducted his child. The police ask for a description of Spawn, but the scene ends before DaddyStopTouchingMe has to admit that he's never looked at her that closely above the neckline.
Meanwhile, Mason's on the road, fleeing L.A. in the Xandermobile. His car phone rings. It's Soul Patch from CTU, telling him about a lead that needs to be checked out. Apparently, the LAPD found a vehicle on the CTU watch list. Mason whines about having to follow up on a report from the LAPD. Soul Patch informs Mason that some district manager specifically wants Mason to investigate. "Plus he knows it's your way to, uh, Bakersfield," says Soul Patch, rolling his eyes. "What's the address?" says Mason with a sigh. Busted!
NSA. Lynne, who has been renamed Rolaide by Cosmorific (Ensign Ro + "L" for Lynne + aide = Rolaide), hands Palmer a Whatever Update on the damage projection. Palmer, who is about to attend a press conference, leafs through it and notes that the casualty rate is much higher than previously assumed. Rolaide explains that they've ruled out dirty bombs and other conventional weapons. "We're dealing with a nuclear bomb," she says. They exchange sensitive, knowing looks.
Back at the Po Ho dumpster, Spawn continues to run around calling JonBenet's name while bouncing parts of her own body come perilously close to giving her a black eye or two. Finally she catches sight of JonBenet being led by two ethnic guys behind a chain link fence. "Get away from her!" screams Spawn as she crosses the street. Cars swerve to avoid hitting her. The two ethnic men, who I guess were child porn casting directors, flee as soon as they see Spawn and her flying lethal boobs heading their way. "Where did you go? I told you to wait!"" screams Spawn. "I was looking for you," says JonBenet through her Cindy Brady tears. Spawn takes JonBenet into her arms, muffling the sounds of JonBenet's sobbing with her rack.
Shot of downtown L.A. The camera pans off to a road where the Tim McVan, containing Underkover Kiefer and the Junkyard Boys, nears its destination. Kiefer is not so subtly trying to find out the details of their plans to blow up CTU. "Why are you asking so many kwestions?" asks Eddie Grant, the smoldering stevedore. Kiefer tries to pass it off as kuriosity. SpindlyBeckLookAlike tells him to mind his own business. Kiefer's cell phone rings. It's Spawn, calling from a payphone. Uh, somehow I doubt that Kiefer would bring his personal cell phone along on an underkover mission, but I'll let it go for now. Spawn kluelessly prattles on about the Lifetime movie that her life has become within the last hour. Kiefer, konscious of the junkyard boys hearing his side of the konversation, kalmly tells her to check the message he left for her on her cell phone. Spawn explains that she left her cell phone back at No!DaddyNo! Manor, and tries to get Kiefer to come pick her up. Kiefer tells her to go to Aunt Carol's. Spawn is konfused. Apparently, Aunt Carol lives in San Jose (and Spawn's been away so long, she may go wrong and lose her way). Kiefer tells her to just go. "And do as I say for once," he barks into the phone. Heh! He tells the Junkyard Boys that Spawn was his girlfriend, and she "just doesn't listen." The Tim McVan comes to a stop in front of a chain link fence in the middle of a deserted road. Everyone piles out, and one of the Junkyard Boys whips out some bolt cutters. Hey, I remember those bolt cutters from last season!
CTU. Bitchelle (Nina 2.0) tells Soul Patch that Spawn's on line one. Then she leans back so that we get a clear view of Soul Patch's Chicago Cubs coffee mug. Soul Patch picks up, and Spawn whines from a pay phone that Kiefer hung up on her. Soul Patch explains that Kiefer is undercover, and tells Spawn that he'll send someone to pick her up. Spawn says she can't wait that long because the police are after her. She starts explain her predicament, but some fake-o sounding static interrupts their conversation. Seriously, it sounds like a Foley assistant is literally saying "hissssss, hissssss" into the microphone. Soul Patch tells Spawn to jiggle on over to CTU and they'll straighten everything out from there. Spawn tells him she'll be arriving by bus. They hang up. Bitchelle complains that there's something wrong with the phone lines. Darlene enters and explains that she tried to fix things with some Whatever Technology, but that didn't work, so it must be an outside problem. Soul Patch tells Darlene to switch the phone systems over to their wireless system and call the phone company.
Meanwhile, back at the Tim McVan, we see that SpindlyBeckLookAlike is the one screwing with the CTU phone system. Eddie Grant explains to Kiefer that they're causing interference so that the phone company will send out a crew. SpindlyBeckLookAlike is tired of Kiefer's kwestions, so Eddie sends Kiefer down the road to call CTU on his cell phone and ruin their plan…I mean, "keep an eye out." Kiefer komplies. Once safely enskonced behind the Tim McVan, Kiefer kalls CTU. He kan't get through because the phone lines are down -- duh -- so he kalls Palmer's office. Rolaide answers and tells him that Palmer kan't kome to the phone because he's at the press konference. Kiefer tells her to warn CTU about the bomb. "You need to evakuate CTU and you need to alert a bomb squad." Rolaide writes this all down, but Kiefer has to hang up because the Junkyard Gang have finished screwing with the phone lines and are back at the Tim McVan. Raise your hand if you want to see Kiefer meet and hook up with Rolaide!
Meanwhile, Rolaide approaches Raygun (formerly known as KreepyEric -- tm SunniLee) and tells him what Jack told her about the bombing of CTU. Raygun deduces that the Junkyard Gang is bombing CTU to cripple their investigation and to divert attention away from the nuclear device. Rolaide agrees with his analysis. "Has Kiefer kalled CTU?" asks Raygun. Rolaide explains that he couldn't because the phone lines are down. "But somehow we have to alert CTU!" says Rolaide. "We kan't," says Raygun. He reasons that if the Junkyard Gang fails, they'll realize that Kiefer is a plant, and that will jeopardize Kiefer's overall mission to use them to find the ever-more-important nuclear bomb. Rolaide is stunned that Raygun is suggesting they let the CTU-ers die just to keep Kiefer's kover intact, and wants to leave the decision up to the president. Unfortunately, the president is at his press conference and therefore unavailable. Rolaide wants to interrupt the press conference, but Raygun tells her not to. "I don't work for you," she snips. Uh, so why did you bring this matter to his attention in the first place? She calls AsianPatty and has her interrupt the press conference.
As promised, a phone company van from Cal Communication pulls up to the chain link fence to investigate the signal interference. A pair of phone company workers steps out of the van to investigate, and they notice that the chain has been cut. The Tim McVan pulls up. Eddie Grant steps out and shoots the Caucasian phone company guy in cold blood. Kiefer tries to hide how disturbed he is by this. Oh, Kief, like you didn't just do the same thing an hour ago. Eddie tells the surviving (black) phone company guy that he'll live as long as he cooperates with the Junkyard Gang. BlackPhoneCompanyGuy watches SpindlyBeckLookAlike dump CaucasianPhoneCompanyGuy's body into a ravine, and indicates that he's cool with that. Eddie tells him to call his supervisor and tell him that they need to do an onsite systems check at CTU. Jeez, who has the shorter life expectancy in the 24verse -- a black person, or a phone company worker? The time is 10:12:33 AM.
The time is 10:16:49 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Soul Patch walks the CTU catwalk, the Junkyard Gang gets back into the Tim McVan with BlackPhoneCompanyGuy, and Spawn hurries JonBenet along toward the bus stop. Nina 2.0 slithers up to Soul Patch and announces a phone call from Raygun at NSA. Soul Patch takes the call. Raygun doesn't warn him about that his office is about to blow up, but instead tells him to copy and transfer the CTU database onto the NSA server. The ever-suspicious Soul Patch asks why. "It's prekautionary," says Raygun, insisting that Soul Patch carry this out by the end of the episode…I mean, "by eleven." "That might not be enough time," says Soul Patch. "Then you probably should get started," says Raygun. Soul Patch hangs up and puts Darlene on the job. Darlene rambles on for a few minutes about how she has to encrypt it first in Mason's office or something. Soul Patch tells her to "just do it." Nina 2.0 wonders aloud what's going on with the phone lines going down and this urgent-but-routine request from NSA. "It's precautionary," says Soul Patch. "Then he would have issued the same order to every other agency," says Nina 2.0. Soul Patch has to go check to see if that's the case.
Meanwhile, Mason pulls the Xandermobile up to a parking lot. A team of LAPD officers are waiting for him. One of the officers explains that they made a "vehicle match" based on the alert that CTU put out that morning. They haven't searched said vehicle yet, because they had orders from CTU to wait for Mason. "Don't worry," says Mason dryly. "I don't want to be here anymore than you want me here." For some reason, this "vehicle" is, in fact, a warehouse. Or at least that's what Mason and the police force open. Who knows, maybe there's a vehicle inside, or maybe the warehouse is really a massive Winnebago. Nevertheless, I don't get it. The lock is cut off the door. Mason and the police enter with guns drawn. It's dark inside, and scary industrial ambient music is playing on the soundtrack. They make their way through piles of Staples merchandise and come upon the very Whitney Biennial art installation where Wald's men were putting together the nuclear device earlier. Despite several stickers that say "Danger, Radioactive Materials" -- like, what terrorist group would actually follow U.S. government regulations and put up those stickers while making a nuclear device? -- Mason opens the door to the makeshift labs and finds two dead bodies inside. Behind them, someone emerges from the darkness and starts shooting. Several officers go down. Mason shoots back. The flying bullets shatter the protective glass around an isolation tank that starts to emit scary-looking green smoke. The police shoot the shooter. Mason, who is inside the makeshift laboratory, finally notices the radioactive warning signs. He orders everyone out of the building and starts coughing into a hanky. Uh oh.
Meanwhile, Spawn and JonBenet have caught the bus to CTU. JonBenet asks Spawn if Spawn's mom "cries a lot." Spawn replies that she doesn't have a mom. "Where is she?" asks JonBenet. Spawn thinks really hard before answering. I mean, in reality, she's trying to think of the best way to sugarcoat Bride's death for her young charge, but because it's Spawn, it looks like she just plum forgot what happened to her own mother. Finally, Spawn replies that her mother "passed away." The subject is switched to Spawn's dad. "Do you make him mad?" asks JonBenet. Spawn says that she does sometimes. "I always make my dad mad," says JonBenet. Spawn tries to explain to JonBenet that DaddyStopTouchingMe's anger is his own problem and has nothing to do with JonBenet. "Everything is going to be okay," says Spawn, putting her arm around JonBenet protectively. "I'm never going to let him hurt you again."
The time is 10:23:15 AM. The Phone Company Van with the Junkyard Gang inside pulls up to CTU. BlackPhoneCompanyGuy is at the wheel, and tells the security guard that he's there to do a systems check. The guard fails to notice the gun aimed at BPCG's head and lets him through the gate. Security checks the back of the van with a flashlight, finds the Junkyard Gang inside with their phone company disguises on, and remarks that there are a lot of people in this crew. Eddie Grant replies that they're on a "big job." Without checking anyone's ID, the security guy lets everyone into the building. Lots of viewers have complained about this scene -- specifically, that CTU security would never be so lax. I have to disagree and say that the opposite is true. I have been freelancing for a couple of months now in a high-profile Manhattan building that made worldwide news last year when it tested positive for anthrax. When I arrived for my first day of work, I was warned that security would be tight and that I should bring ID and be prepared to have my bags checked. I forgot my ID. They let me in anyway. At the elevators where they were supposed to check my bags, they made me unzip my H&M messenger bag and they peered inside for a second and a half. I was also carrying a bagel in a brown paper bag, and they didn't even notice. I could have had a grenade in there. Okay, maybe I'm being let in without much trouble because I don't "look" Middle Eastern, but I haven't seen a single person of any ethnicity searched for more than a moment or two. I know it's probably different for a government agency, but I doubt it's that different. Basically, if someone really wants to bomb a building -- any building -- I think it's entirely possible. I'm moving to New Zealand. Who's with me? As BlackPhoneCompanyGuy drives through the parking garage, he points out that this is a government building, not a bank. "There's nothing to steal here," he says. Eddie explains that they're not there to steal. "We're fighting a war. We're taking back our country," says Eddie. "Who are you people?" asks BlackPhoneCompanyGuy. "We're patriots," says Kiefer. The time is 10:25:50 AM.
The time is 10:30:14 AM. Klockwise from the top left, caterers and workmen prepare for the wedding at Chez Crew, Spawn and JonBenet reenact the final scene of Midnight Cowboy on that bus to Florida, and Darlene encrypts stuff up in Ye Olde Kiefer Kube. PoorMan'sCateBlanchett is poring over the guest list in the backyard of Chez Crew when PoorMan'sReneeZellweger enters in a pair of cargo capris and hands her the phone. "It's someone named Ralph Burton," says PoorMan'sReneeZellweger. And just when you think PoorMan'sReneeZellweger's suspicious glance is due to the fact that she realizes that Ralph Burton is the private detective PoorMan'sCateBlanchett hired to check out FarsiBoy, PoorMan'sReneeZellweger starts teasing PoorMan'sCateBlanchett about her "new boyfriend." Cate plays along with that, then takes the call inside. Ralph has some bad news; FarsiBoy has terrorist ties to Syed Ali. Homeland Security has been alerted. "Are they going to arrest him?" asks Cate. Ralph doesn't know. He tells her not to tell a soul, not even her sister. Otherwise, she'd be endangering herself and her family. Through the window, Cate can see that FarsiBoy's friend -- also Middle Eastern -- has arrived from Detroit. FarsiBoy greets him, and they embrace in the driveway. Butt cam! All this paranoia-inducing flute and wood chimes music fills the soundtrack, and the camera movements get all jerky. FarsiBoy and PoorMan'sReneeZellweger enter, wanting to introduce Cate to FriendOfFarsiBoy. "You'll probably recognize him from Stanford," says FarsiBoy. "He's really cute!" says PoorMan'sReneeZellweger. Cate begs off, but FarsiBoy and Renee insist. "I said no," shrieks Cate, a little more aggressively than she meant to, and runs into a bedroom. Renee enters and asks Cate what's up her ass this morning. Cate passes it off as sisterly concern. "I just want you to be happy!" says Cate. "Then be happy!" says Renee. "Because this is going to be the best day of my life."
NSA. Rolaide sees AsianPatty enter the room and asks her when she's going to be able to see Palmer. "He's still on camera," says AsianPatty. Rolaide reminds her that she asked her to interrupt the press conference and slip him a note. "I did," says AsianPatty. "I'm sure that as soon as the president can extricate himself, he'll call you." A few feet away, Raygun sits at a briefing. He hears the exchange and gives Rolaide an evil glare.
The time is 10:34:40 AM. The Junkyard Gang enters the CTU building. Kiefer stays in the van to guard BlackPhoneCompanyGuy. As the Gang plants explosive devices at various locations within the CTU building, Kiefer rummages through their plans and frantically draws a makeshift diagram on a piece of paper to indicate where the explosives are being planted. The Junkyard Gang fails to arouse any suspicion among the various CTU employees they pass in the hall. SpindlyBeckLookAlike enters the room where Bride was killed and plants an explosive there. Soul Patch sees two other gang members, and it looks for a moment like he might recognize them, but the thought leaves his mind. Oh, what an inopportune time for Soul Patch to lose his legendary nosiness. The time is 10:36:41 AM.
The time is 10:40:05 AM. Klockwise from the top left, men in protective radioactive gear arrive at the warehouse, and the Junkyard Gang continues to plant bombs at CTU while Kiefer waits in the van. Mason calls Soul Patch and tells him that the lead turned up something significant. They seem to have found the lab where they assembled the nuke, judging from all the radioactive material that was found on the scene. "Was anyone exposed?" asks Soul Patch. Mason is taking off his belt and handing it to a guy wearing an asbestos suit while he explains that they're putting everyone through "decon" to check them for radiation. He promises to send Soul Patch the vital stats of the three dead bodies they found in order to identify them. Soul Patch tells Mason about the request from NSA to send them copies of all of their files. Mason, preoccupied by the removal of his clothes, tells Soul Patch that it's standard procedure to consolidate data from all agencies. "We're the only agency they've asked," says Soul Patch. Mason tells him to call Chappelle and take it up with him. They hang up. Will we be seeing Paul Schulze this season? More of Mason's clothes come off. Asbestos Suit Guy tells him they need all of his clothes off. "You're not even going to buy me dinner?" says Mason wryly. They take him to a makeshift shower, where they hose him down and scrub him with brushes. "Easy, guys," says Mason. "I like my skin." Hey, there are spas where you have to pay good money for an exfoliation session like this. I guess Mason didn't do his sit-ups today, because the camera never goes down further than his sternum. Wait, did I want to see Mason naked? I'm totally confused now.
Back at CTU, Darlene is washing her hands in the Jalapeño Spice Memorial Ladies' Room. Nina 2.0 enters, torso first, and asks how the encryption is going. Darlene says that the whole process should be completed on time. The two ladies are silent while Darlene continues to wash her hands. I keep wanting them to pay homage to that scene in Welcome to the Dollhouse where Lolita harasses Dawn Weiner. Instead, Darlene starts to philosophize about what will happen to L.A., the town where she grew up, if this bomb goes off. Nina 2.0 unenthusiastically "assures" her that everything will "probably" be okay. Nina 2.0 looks like she's got something else on her mind that she wants to tell Darlene. A secret sexual longing? Knowledge about the terrorists? She wants to borrow a tampon? We never find out. Darlene leaves the ladies room. Nina 2.0 heads for the stalls, but the scene ends before we can find out whether or not she pulled out a Palm Pilot and sent a secret email to Gaines 2.0.
This is the way we plant the bombs, plant the bombs, plant the bombs. This is the way we plant the bombs, so early in the morning! The Junkyard Gang pushes some buttons, and the timers are set. Back in the Phone Company Van, Kiefer climbs into the back and takes BlackPhoneCompanyGuy's gag off. "Are you going to kill me too?" asks BPCG. "Not today," replies Kiefer dryly. He hands BPCG a note and tells him in a velvety whisper to hide until the Junkyard Gang leaves, then go to security and give Soul Patch the note. BPCG is all, "Who are you?" Kiefer explains that he's an underkover agent. "You work for the government? And you let them kill CPCG?" accuses BPCG, lunging at Kiefer. The extra-strength Sutherland Velvet Bedroom whisper is paired with a Young Guns-era face grip as Kiefer konvinces BPCG that many more people's lives are at stake now than his friend's. Plus, as Kiefer points out, he might as well do as Kiefer says, since the Junkyard Gang is going to kill him anyway. BPCG exits. Kiefer messes up his own head with a blade to make it look like there was a struggle.
The Junkyard Gang returns from the CTU building and finds Kiefer "unconscious." Kiefer "comes to" and explains that he can't remember what happened, but BPCG must have escaped. Eddie is appalled that Kiefer let PBCG get away. "I didn't tie him up," says Kiefer. Apparently, SpindlyBeckLookAlike was the one who did that. SBLA starts casting suspicion on Kiefer, who just walked in off the street in the last couple of hours and joined their gang. Kiefer and SBLA go at it. Eddie orders them into the van. The van pulls out of the garage, revealing BPCG under a nearby SUV waiting to carry out Kiefer's rekwest. Oh, look who just happens to be entering CTU just as the Junkyard Gang is clearing out! It's Spawn and JonBenet. "Soul Patch is expecting us," says Spawn to the security guard. "Where are we?" asks JonBenet. "Don't worry," says Spawn. "We're safe here." The screen splits to reveal a timer with only seven minutes left before detonation. The time is 10:49:26 AM.
The time is 10:53:53 AM. Klockwise from the top left, the Phone Company Van gets further away from CTU, Darlene continues to encrypt, and Rolaide waits to see Palmer. Inside the Phone Company Van, Kiefer asks how much time until CTU explodes. Eddie replies that they've got four minutes. SpindlyBeckLookAlike is whining about the possibility that BPCG has already warned someone. Kiefer checks his watch anxiously.
Back at NSA, Rolaide is starting to lose it, because she still can't get hold of the president even though the press conference ended five minutes ago. While she barks at someone over the phone about this, Palmer himself enters the room. As she gets up to go over to him, Raygun gets up and blocks her path. "It was you, wasn't it?" says Rolaide. She accuses Raygun of arranging it so that her message never got to Palmer. Raygun replies that he was just trying to prevent the president from having to make a difficult decision. "The people didn't elect you to make that choice," says Rolaide. Uh oh. Worst line of the episode. Rolaide tries to approach the president again. Raygun stops her again. "You don't want me for an enemy," says Raygun. Palmer sees them fighting and comes over to see what's up. Rolaide tells him about Kiefer's call and the imminent bombing of CTU. Raygun explains that he didn't want to blow Kiefer's cover, and that because they had CTU's data transferred over to NSA's server, the losses would be limited to "infrastructure and personnel." Kold! "Those losses are unacceptable!" says Palmer. He tells Rolaide to contact CTU. For some reason, Raygun is not bitch-slapped right then and there.
Back at CTU, Bitchelle enters and tells Soul Patch that BlackPhoneCompanyGuy just told her about some bombs planted in the building. She's not sure if he's legitimate or not, but Soul Patch orders her to evacuate the building. "This is why NSA wanted us to transfer over our database!" says Soul Patch. "They knew we were being targeted. They didn't say a thing." The phone rings, and for some reason, Soul Patch takes the call even though the building's about to blow. It's Rolaide. The building's about to blow. Soul Patch informs her that they know already while Bitchelle makes the evacuation announcement. Hordes of monochromatic-colored rayon-clad extras begin to leave the building just as Spawn and JonBenet are entering. "But I'm looking for Soul Patch," whines Spawn as she is told to leave the building by security.
The Phone Company Van reaches a location that affords them a view of CTU. They stop, park, and get out. They have thirty-five seconds.
Meanwhile, Bitchelle and Soul Patch continue to herd everyone out of the building. Darlene is still in the Kiefer Kube, trying to encrypt the data. Soul Patch tells her to get moving. Darlene just want to make sure everything's finished so that they don't lose any important data. Stuff starts to blow up. Soul Patch yanks her away from the computer.
Back at the van, the Junkyard Gang sees a puff of smoke emerge from CTU. They give each other high fives. Kiefer tries to pretend he's psyched too.
Back at CTU, bloodied extras are escaping the building. Spawn and JonBenet are unharmed, but JonBenet is hysterical. Debris is everywhere. Hey, is it too late to recap that reality series on UPN about the search for the new supermodel? And no, we don't know if Soul Patch or Darlene made it out alive.
Back at NSA, Raygun puts down the phone. "We were too late," he says to Palmer. "CTU's been hit." Palmer's mouth forms a thick straight line. Still no bitch-slapping of Raygun.
Oh, and remember Mason? He's no longer naked. But a doctor just got back some tests. Mason inhaled plutonium, and he's got anywhere from a day to a week left to live. The time is 10:59:57…10:59:58…10:59:59…11:00:00 AM.