5:00 PM -- 6:00 PM

Previouslys. Now that the Safe House has been attacked, Spawn doesn't trust Soul Patch, so she runs into the unwelcoming arms of Rick, her kidnapper, because she's Spawn and will always do the wrong thing. Bride gets herself a table for one at Caf Memento and meets an old doctor friend. Operation Vagina impales itself on Project Penis -- sorry --when Faux-licity does the Dance of the Seven Letter Openers for LittleTerrorBrother. Kiefer intercepts one of LittleTerrorBrother's phone calls, and decides to follow through on a lead it offers them. The following takes place between 5:00 and 6:00 PM on the day of the California presidential primary.

The floor of LittleTerrorBrother's hotel suite is swarming with slickly dressed and stylishly coiffed Federal Agents and medics. None of these fabulous people can catch the eye like Kiefer, though. He bursts grandly into LittleTerrorBrother's suite with his hair freshly trimmed, wearing a crisp white dress shirt with blood stains all over his abdomen. He announces to all the agents that there's a large sum of money in the suite for a payoff and he needs to find it pronto. The agents bow to The Trademark Sutherland Velvety Bedroom Whisper and get to work looking for the cash. Palmer, who hasn't been tamed lately by the TSVBW, is fuming with KieferDirectedRage over Operation Vagina losing its freshness. Kiefer pours on some extra-smooth velvet for Palmer, getting him to see that Operation Vagina was necessary for Palmer's security and had only been screwed up by Faux-licity's Salom routine. Palmer drinks in the velvet explanation like it's a thirty-year-old glass of Chateau Y'Quem, and backs away from the sexy bloody man he dared to kwestion just moments earlier. "Keep me posted," says Palmer, caressing Kiefer's left upper arm and exiting. Kiefer starts pacing up and down the hall, giving us a little bun and basket before an unseen agent who only exists as a voiceover finally calls out that he's found something. Nina enters, holding a stack of bearer bonds. "Good as cash," says Kiefer. "And easier to move!" Hey, I recognize that stack of bearer bonds. These are same bearer bonds that we saw flying through the rainy sky out of Forest Whittaker's hands in Panic Room. Hey, It's That Stack Of Bearer Bonds! Well it's a little past the top of the hour, so it's time for Nina to try to plant a seed of doubt into the MindOfKiefer. "How do you think you're going to pull this off, Kiefer?" says Nina. "Pretending to be LittleTerrorBrother?" Kiefer admits that he's just flying by the seat of his KieferTrousers as usual, and calls over a nameless male agent to "switch shirts with him." Bamp chicka bamp bamp. But of course before we see any skin, the scene shifts to

Xander entering the CTU floor from the Kiefer Kube. He walks up to Soul Patch, who is hard at work at his desk, and asks him about the latest status on the Kieferettes. Soul Patch hasn't found out anything significant, except for the fact that it appears the Safe House agents died protecting the Kieferettes. Xander tells Soul Patch that it's really important that the Kieferettes are found, and says something about some task force that Soul Patch should stay in touch with or something. But, as Xander reminds him, the news of the missing Kieferettes shouldn't be disklosed to Kiefer. This almost prompts another konfrontation between Soul Patch and Xander about the prudence of keeping the news from Kiefer. Xander is pro. Soul Patch is kon.

Back at The Frat House Of Bad Life Decisions, Spawn and Rick search DeadDan's room while SkankOfRick skanks out on a beanbag and demands to know what they're looking for. Okay, she's not really skanking out on a beanbag -- it's more of an air mattress, but it should be a beanbag, it just should. Spawn answers that she's looking for information about the people who took her mother. "What are you going to do?" says SkankOfRick. "Call them and ask them for your mom back?" Uh, actually, I could see Spawn doing just that. Furthermore, she'd be really surprised when it didn't work. Spawn replies that she's going to hand over the information over to "the police." SkankOfRick asks Rick how he feels about Spawn bringing the police over, you know, with all the drugs lying around. Spawn assures them that she'll turn over any information her "dad," then, who, I guess, is kooler. Skank Ann Nivens just shrugs and points out that Dan is going to "go ballistic" if he finds out about Rick and Spawn going through his stuff. When she's out of earshot, Spawn wants to know what's up with Rick keeping the news of Dan's death from his skank. "I don't want to freak her out," explains Rick. Plus, he explains, Dan's brother Frank is on his way over, and he doesn't want Frank to know either. Spawn sighs about not even knowing why she's there in the first place. This makes Rick all self-conscious and sort of disappointed. Spawn notices that Rick is feeling self-conscious and sort of disappointed. They have a moment.

Speaking of moments, Dr. Phil is phil-ling Bride of Kiefer in on her pre-amnesia life -- well except for that whole business about getting kidnapped by terrorists with a personal grudge against her husband. According to Dr. Phil, Bride has a husband and a daughter. "I have a daughter?" asks Bride, barely able to keep the disgust out of her voice. I take it she's getting some memories of Spawn back. Dr. Phil also explains that he and Bride were "friends" during her separation from Kiefer. He wanted "more," but Bride put a stop to it and rekonciled with Kiefer. "You asked me not to call," says Dr. Phil. "And I haven't." Aw! Poor Dr. Phil. Can you imagine finally hearing from someone you're totally pining over, and it's because she has amnesia and doesn't remember dumping your ass? Anyway, Dr. Phil wants Bride to go to a hospital and get checked out. Bride freaks out at the thought of going to a hospital -- no surprise considering that she's been to two hospitals "today" and they haven't been positive experiences. Dr. Phil offers to "examine" her there in the restaurant. You know as soon as Dr. Phil arrived on the scene last week, I've been trying to restrain myself from using an "examination" joke, but they're just handing it to me.

Palmer suite. Ferragamo's dead, but his stupid subplot lives on. Lady MacPalmer, Palmer, and Poor Man's Hume Cronyn meet privately and listen to Theo's tape. Palmer is psyched that they have proof of Kreepy Karl's involvement in Ferragamo's death and his intention to frame Theo. PMHC reminds Palmer that since the tape was made without a preliminary court order or Kreepy Karl's knowledge, it can't be admitted as evidence. Hello? Why isn't Linda Tripp in jail? Palmer points out that they could leak the tape to the media. Lady Mac isn't having any of it; she wants the tape destroyed lest it bring down the "Democratic Party." Yes, folks. It's official. Palmer is a Democrat. Palmer argues that telling the truth isn't "self-destructive." PMHC rules that they should "shelve" it. Palmer might need the tape as currency later when he gets to the White House. "You'll have evidence against some of the most powerful men in the country," argues PMHC. "They won't be able to kontrol you!" Palmer and Lady Mac put that in their pipes and smoke it. Hey, what is up with that scar or whatever on Palmer's face that makes him look like he's got a tear streaming down his cheek?

While he and Nina make their way out of the Palmer Suite, Kiefer puts in a call to Soul Patch asking after the Kieferettes at the Safe House. Soul Patch lies and says he hasn't heard anything. Kiefer asks him for the Safe House number. Soul Patch puts him on hold and tries once again to konvince Xander to kome klean about the missing Kieferettes. Xander picks up the phone and asks Kiefer where he is. Kiefer tells about his plan to go ahead with LittleTerrorBrother's drop-off, and asks for back-up. Xander promises to send a team, then tells Kiefer that the Kieferettes are sleeping and shouldn't be disturbed. Kiefer asks Xander to have the Kieferettes call him back when they wake up. The time is 5:12:04 PM.

Direct TV is such a great service that you will literally put off having sex with your wife in order to let the installer inside your home. Ashley Judd needs to "wake up and smell the napalm." Hey, it's Doctor Funk. Five different kinds of Mint Skittles. Whatever. Die, Carrot Top, die!

Oh, and I just wanted to take this opportunity to announce that my favorite book from last summer is now out in paperback -- Son of a Grifter, by Kent Walker and Mark Schone -- and none of you have any excuse now not to buy and read it. Remember Sante Kimes, that con woman who got her son to kill Irene Silverman and was later played by Mary Tyler Moore in the TV movie? Well, Son of a Grifter is co-written by the first son, and it's the most insanely fabulous read ever. There's this amazing chapter that takes place in the parking lot of a strip mall that I'm not going to ruin. Furthermore, last week I learned that Mark Schone -- the co-writer that's not the son -- and I have a common friend, who informed me that Mark lives in my neighborhood. He even answered one of my stalkerish emails. I told him I was telling everyone I knew to buy his book and he was all, "Yeah, thanks, Oprah."

The time is 5:16:27 PM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer and Nina drive to the drop-off, Spawn plays with her flippy hair and searches through Dan's room, and Lady Mac sits very still for some reason. Where did this new Kiefmobile come from? I thought they traveled to the Palmer hotel in a helicopter. Nevertheless, Nina and Kiefer are driving to the drop-off point in an SUV, finishing up their konversation about what Nina told Bride back at the Safe House. Nina's hair just keeps looking better and better the longer the day drags on. What's up with that? Nina explains that she kouldn't "finish the debrief" after Bride konfronted her. Debrief! It's still hilarious! She wonders if she made a mistake by leaving the Kieferettes. Kiefer assures her that she did the right thing. Irony? Just a tad. Plus, adds Kiefer, he really should have told Bride himself. Nina assures Kiefer that he can work things out with Bride and that he should probably call her right now. Kiefer asks Nina to call HandsomeBlackGuard and see if the Kieferettes have woken up from their nap yet. No answer. Must be a problem with Nina's cell phone.

Back at CTU, Secretary Soul Patch enters the Kiefer Kube, where Xander is finishing up a heated discussion over the phone with someone. Soul Patch requests some extra men to help look for the Kieferettes. Xander cracks a joke about Soul Patch being lazy. Ahem. Soul Patch protests that he's swamped with Nina gone. "Because she's with Kiefer," says Xander pointedly. Ah yes, it's time for yet another senior CTU official to try to come between Soul Patch and Kiefer. This time, Xander tries to imply that Nina might still be involved with Kiefer and that that might ruin CTU. "She covers for everyone who doesn't follow code and everyone who doesn't follow code covers for her," says Xander. Gee, I thought she was just kinda slutty. I never noticed that she wasn't following procedure. Soul Patch tries not to take seriously what Xander is implying about his girlfriend.

Palmer Suite. Now that spring is here, I thought I'd tell you all that DWR makes patio furniture too. Palmer paces the balcony a little and sits down on a Ronde Chair designed by Aldo Ciabatti. The chair is $80 and available in two finishes: graphite and aluminum. Palmer has chosen "aluminum," and I believe I'd have done the same. Theo enters and asks his father, "What's up?" Palmer just wanted to talk to Theo and make sure that Theo knows what he's getting into before he turns the Kreepy Karl tape over to the DA's office. Theo sits down across from his father at the "simple but functionally sound" Pinot Bistro Table, which costs $195, and tells his father that he's "ready to go." Palmer reminds Theo that the Kreepy Karl tape will reveal Theo's role in the death of Li'l Lisa's rapist. "You're going to be accused of a krime you didn't kommit," says Palmer. "Can you live with that?" Theo assures Palmer that he "kan." He was scared to come forward before, but now he's finally ready to do the right thing. Oh, and that remark that Theo made about Palmer never being there for him? Untrue. "It's what I told myself so I could blame you for my screw-ups." Palmer gives Theo a crinkly-eyed smile and kounters that there was some "truth" to what Theo said; he apologizes for not being there enough. Oh, please. Palmer deserves the Father Of The Year award for not smothering Theo with a pillow back when he was born. And besides, didn't they already have this conversation?

ForeignAccentedTerrorBoss calls Faux FBI Agent from the TerrorMercedesKarPhone and asks him if he's spoken to LittleTerrorBrother lately. "I haven't heard from him in twenty minutes," says FATB. "I need to talk to him." Hey! LittleTerrorBrother just had a date with Faux-licity. I think he needs more than "twenty minutes" before he returns his brother's phone call. I mean, yeah, he's been stabbed and all, but FATB doesn't know that. Faux FBI Agent -- whose real name is Jovan and therefore is henceforward known as Jovan Musk for Men -- reports that he's got a "situation" of his own trying to find the Kieferettes. FATB suggests that he czech the hospitals. Jovan Musk for Men whines that he's czeched everywhere, but assures FATB that he will "find them and kill them" soon enough. ["Which is a really smart thing to say in so many words over a cellular frequency. Not. Don't these people watch The Sopranos?" -- Sars] They decide that Jovan Musk for Men should go stake out "the Bauer house." JMfM gets into his TerrorJaguar and heads for Casa Kiefer.

The time is 5:22:36 PM. SkankOfRick plays with her hair in front of the Greg Brady beaded curtains just as Spawn gets off the phone and announces that none of Bride's friends know where she is. I have a feeling that Bride's friends tell Spawn that a lot. Skankitha Soren tells Rick that Spawn's got to leave before Frank, Dan's brother, gets there. Rick has no idea why Skankatella Versace would be concerned about a total stranger being around the house when a drug dealer comes to visit. Skankza Minelli is about to spell it out for Rick when Spawn decides to passive-aggressively stomp out of there on her own. Rick runs after her and stops her. Skanktina Ricci slaps him through the Greg Brady curtains. I'm starting to like this girl. "Where are you going to go?" Rick asks Spawn. Spawn tells him that her parents have always told her to meet them at a certain park if there was an emergency, and Bride might be there. Uh, Spawn? I'm sure Bride might have told you to go play by yourself in some park when you were little, but I don't think she had any intention of actually being there too. Spawn asks Rick if she can borrow his car. Rick doesn't own the car outside. It belongs to Skankivia Newton-John. He runs off to go ask if Spawn can borrow the Skankmobile.

While alone in Dan's room, Spawn notices a sinister looking chemist's scale lying around and it blows her mind that those nice college boys who kidnapped her last night could be drug dealers to boot. Rick re-enters. He couldn't get her the Skankmobile, but he gives her cash for a cab. "Are you going to go with me?" asks Spawn. Rick can't. He's gotta lie low since the authorities are looking for him. Good thinking, Rick bin Laden. I mean, it's not like the police are going to check your house or anything. They tongue-kiss goodbye while a car can be heard pulling up in front of the house.