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Blip blip blip blip blip. 24. Longest day of Kiefer's life. Blip blip blip blip blip.
Previouslys. An attempt is made on Palmer's life. Kiefer loses the earpiece and begs Gaines to spare the Kieferettes as he is hauled into kustody by the Secret Service. Poor Man's Hume Cronyn tells Palmer that Kiefer made the assassination attempt. Kiefer eskapes and kalls Nina. Bride takes a bullet for Spawn, steals Eli's cell phone, and kalls Nina. Jalapeno is the mole and she's just slashed her wrists. Real time. Day of the presidential primary. Et cetera.
Bird's-eye view of downtown L.A. traffic. Helicopters. Expository news radio broadcast about how no information is available to the public regarding the Palmer assassination attempt. Oh, and there's also a traffic report about how the "freeways are looking pretty good!" Only at first I thought they said, "Three-ways are looking pretty good." Palmer and Lady Mac ride somewhere in their limo and listen to the news. At CTU, a couple of hunky EMTs strap BloodyUnconsciousJalapenoSpice onto a stretcher, but not before making the acute observation that she's "lost a lot of blood." Soul Patch and Nina watch with a mixture of sadness and frustration as Jalapeno is taken from the archives room. Jalapeno is wheeled through the main floor of CTU past all the extras, despite the fact that the archives room is near a back entrance that can be accessed by car -- as we learned when Nina got back to CTU after being shot. This requires Nina to make an announcement that Jalapeno tried to take her own life, and that everyone has to get back to work. Everyone groans as if they're a bunch of high school students who've been given homework over spring break. Then Nina makes Soul Patch call Jalapeno's mom to tell her the bad news. You delegate, girl!
Kiefer's in the new Kiefmobile. He calls Nina on his new speakerphone and thanks her for the "care package" inside. Nina tells Kiefer that Bride of Kiefer called but had to hang up before they could trace the call or learn any important information. Kiefer komplains about being chased by the police. Nina suggests he turn himself in. Kiefer kounters her argument by klaiming that Gaines will kill the Kieferettes if Kiefer is in kustody. Nina goes to her komputer and looks up the lokation of the police roadblocks so that Kiefer can cirkumvent them. Kiefer asks after Jalapeno, and learns that she tried to kill herself. Expositorily, Nina explains that Kyle is still at CTU, but didn't see anything, and that Jalapeno's mother is coming to pick him up. Kiefer kommands her to have some agents stake out Jalapeno's hospital bed so she'll be kwestioned when she regains konsciousness. "Right now she's our best source of information," says Kiefer, trying to avoid various police cars that appear in his line of vision.
“ Um, Joel Surnow? I think you're losing your magic touch, because there was this moment during the episode -- I think it was during a snack food commercial -- where I wasn't sitting on the edge of the couch and biting my nails. ”
Back at The Stable Of Sensuality, Bride of Kiefer tries the cell phone again while Spawn of Kiefer stands guard. Spawn's hair has either grown or acquired a lot of body in the last few minutes. Hee! At CTU, the phone rings, but no one is answering it and Nina is busy helping Kiefer so she's all, "Soul Patch? Line three?" Nina's gonna pay for that in bed later on, I tell ya. Soul Patch reluctantly answers the phone, and Nina tells Kiefer that the police have put an APB out on his ass. Soul Patch tells Nina that Bride is on the phone. I don't know what they've done with the real Soul Patch, but for some reason he doesn't interrogate Bride for a half hour about what she sees in Kiefer; instead, he actually transfers the call over to Nina posthaste. "Do you know where Kiefer is?" asks Bride -- a question she has probably asked Nina before, if you catch my drift. Nina konnects her to Kiefer. She doesn't use the actual words "three-way call," but you know she was thinking it. Okay, you know I was thinking it. Soul Patch walks by, and Nina tells him to march his pretty little ass over to Milo's desk -- which is a whopping three feet away -- and have him put a trace on the call. I want to see how far Nina can go with this new found authoritas. "Soul Patch? These are my mother's panties. I want you to wear them on your head for the rest of the day. Don't ask questions! Palmer's life is in danger! Move!!"
Just as Bride is patched over to Kiefer, Eli and Rick enter the SoS, and Bride has to hide the phone again before she can exchange words with her husband. "What do you want from us?" says Bride to Eli in a loud purposeful voice, alerting Kiefer to the fact that she can't talk. "I think I left my phone in here," says Eli, trying to keep his tone casual in the hopes that Rick doesn't understand how his phone found its way into The Stable Of Sensuality in the first place. Spawn and Bride play dumb. Nina mutes the line so she and Kiefer can talk without being heard by the TerrorMinions. Spawn, always an asset in matters of subterfuge -- not! -- stares up at the rafter where Bride hid the phone. After about forty minutes of this, Rick follows Spawn's gaze and realizes where the phone is hidden. But then he's really cool about it, because he only vacillates between staring at Spawn and staring at the phone for the hour and a half. Fortunately Eli doesn't notice any of this, because he's looking for the phone amidst all the bales of hay. Kiefer then listens helplessly while driving as Eli tries to threaten the Kieferettes into giving up the phone. Could the writers and producers of 24 inject this episode with any more tension and fear? Um, Joel Surnow? I think you're losing your magic touch, because there was this moment during the episode -- I think it was during a snack food commercial -- where I wasn't sitting on the edge of the couch and biting my nails. Could you do something about that? Oh, and I don't mean to nitpick, but only one of my dogs is having a panic attack right now and there's still some cuticle left on my right index finger. Thanks. Nina asks Milo how the trace is going. I don't understand what he's talking about, but to make a long story short, he's not able to get a trace yet.
9:00 AM -- 10:00 AM
“ Nina's face is starting to show her lack of sleep. But it's totally sexy. She tries to order Soul Patch around some more, but he's found something interesting on his computer. And, like, this time it's actually not porn-related, so Nina walks over to check it out. ”
The time is 9:09:30 AM. A helicopter is seen hovering through the smog of downtown L.A. Radio Broadcast Exposition Dude announces that Palmer is making a campaign appearance at an elementary school despite the "incident" earlier that morning. The Palmers are in a limo with Poor Man's Hume Cronyn. People are lining the streets, cheering on the candidate. Lady Mac is -- surprise, surprise -- trying to convince Palmer not to come clean about Theo right now, since the assassination attempt has bought them some time. PMHC argues to the contrary -- the assassination attempt insures them sympathy, and that now is the best time for Palmer to confess. Palmer wisely argues in turn that the story will come out eventually, so it's best that they control how it's presented. Lady Mac makes some ominous remarks about Palmer owing his success to her. "Don't go against me on this one, Sherry," says Palmer as the limo stops in front of the school. "I can't promise you anything," says Lady Mac in a tight close-up that magnifies all of her glorious bad-ass-ity. But when she steps out of the limo, she's all sweetness and light for the throngs of supporters. We love Lady Mac. Don't we? Don't we?
Back at the new Kiefmobile, Kiefer has parked so that he can load a gun and talk to Nina on the car speakerphone. Nina explains that the "preliminary read on the trace" can't pinpoint the TerrorShack's exact location yet, but they've found the general vicinity. "It's somewhere north of the 10 and east of the 405," she says. Kiefer shields his face from some passing cop cars and begs Nina to stay on the trace. The koast becomes klear, so Kiefer puts the car in drive and goes off in search of the Kieferettes.
Back at CTU, Nina's face is starting to show her lack of sleep. But it's totally sexy. She tries to order Soul Patch around some more, but he's found something interesting on his computer. And, like, this time it's actually not porn-related, so Nina walks over to check it out. Apparently, Jalapeno failed to destroy an email from Gaines. It's encoded, but there's a name in the subject line. "Ted Cofell?" says Nina. "Find out who he isand pick up my dry cleaning." I'm joking about the dry cleaning. Soul Patch hands the encoded email over to Milo, who complains that he's already trying to trace the location of the Kieferettes. "Well, you're going to have to do two things at once," says Soul Patch. Soul Patch is familiar with the concept of multi-tasking? Who knew? The phone rings again. Operator Soul Patch takes the call. It's the clinic. Jalapeno is dead. Soul Patch tells Nina, and her face gets even more tired. I knew she was dead. But then, do I know that she's dead? I've stopped taking anything for granted on this show. And can I ask what the hell is up with the Chicago Cubs coffee cup that's always featured in some prominent position on Soul Patch's desk? I mean, they can't get the clothes, hair, or furniture consistent from hour to hour and Milo's snack food is constantly changing from shot to shot, but that coffee cup is always right there. That's got to be important. The time is 9:13:53 AM.
“ A cop car tries to pull Kiefer over, but he ignores them. He asks Bride if she has any idea where she is. Yeah -- check the Playboy Mansion. ”
Okay, this Campbell's Chunky Soup commercial? It has got to go. It annoyed me when it first started being aired a year ago, and my resentment is only growing as time goes on. I know it's just a commercial, but it bugs me that this football player's mother is interrupting him on the set of a shaving cream ad just to bring him some canned soup. And why does she have to be so rude to the director? And let's consider this soup, shall we? It's liquid salt. It's high blood pressure in a can. It's not good for you! It's the crack cocaine of food products. I mean, if this woman really has no life to the point where she's bursting in on her son at work, would it kill her to soak some dried beans overnight and make a nice pasta e fagioli from scratch? Why can't she hit an organic grocery and buy some miso? Or am I being too gay here? But I love this Heineken ad where these guys party with the trannies because they have beer. That's what all the trannie-chasers would have you believe, isn't it? Oh, and this Domino's ad reminds me of this weird thing that happened last week. I called the Domino's in my neighborhood because I had forgotten to eat and everything was closed. They hung up on me before I could say a word. I called back, and they hung up on me again. I figured that by the time I hassled someone into delivering me a pizza, it would probably have spit on it so I gave up. Then I'm talking to Sars and she tells me that the Domino's in her neighborhood hangs up on her all the time. What is up with that? I mean, if I wanted a hot teen babe or a lesbian hot teen babe, no problem, but Domino's won't take my calls? I don't get it. Nor do I understand how The American Embassy got a green light from a semi-major network. The U.S. Embassy in London is worthy of a weekly television drama? What do they do there besides hold dinner parties and replace lost passports? What's ? The Department of Transportation? The Registry of Motor Vehicles? The Food and Drug Administration? "I'm sorry but we can't approve this diabetes treatment. You're just going to have to run some more tests!" "You sick bastard! You're just mad because I aborted our child! Diabetes is a serious disease! Can't you forget the past?"
The time is 9:18:18. Klockwise from the top left, Spawn keeps a lookout, Kiefer drives the Kiefmobile in the general direction of the TerrorShack, and Lord and Lady MacPalmer enter the elementary school. Back at The Stable Of Sensuality, Eli and Rick have left, and Spawn determines that the coast is clear again, so Bride retrieves the phone. Kiefer and Bride finally get to talk, but Bride doesn't seem that thrilled. And who can blame her for feeling some resentment towards her husband right now? Nina tells Bride and Kiefer that they're closing in on the area and they should have an exact location in twenty minutes. That's cold comfort for Bride. A cop car tries to pull Kiefer over, but he ignores them. He asks Bride if she has any idea where she is. Yeah -- check the Playboy Mansion. The cops whip out a bullhorn and tell Kiefer to pull over. He puts Bride on hold, pulls over, and rolls down his window. Two very constipated-looking police officers -- one of whom has Pomeranian hair -- swagger over to the Kiefmobile. Just as they reach Kiefer, he takes off. Suckas! A car chase ensues. Bride and Nina listen to the sirens in complete confusion.
“ Someone's been reading Camille Paglia! ”
The time is 9:56:09 AM. Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer drives the new Kiefmobile some more, Alberta makes herself at home in the old Kiefer Kube, and Bride and Spawn indulge in some more girl-on-girl non-action. Alberta summons Nina to the Kiefer Kubeto make out with her. Did I say that out loud? Who let that straight man inside my head? They don't make out or anything, but they have a repeat of the "where's Kiefer?" Mason interrogation, complete with Nina feigning ignorance and offers of immunity from Alberta. Rinse and repeat. Sexual innuendo gets thrown around about Nina and Kiefer's relationship, blah blah blah. "Not that I'm judging you, Nina," says Alberta. "But there's a right way to do these things. Let them screw you, but don't let them screw you over." Someone's been reading Camille Paglia! Nina excuses herself to get back to work.
Kiefer almost finds Cofell, an Armani-clad late-thirties guy who looks like one of the Darrens from Bewitched, but narrowly misses him getting into the elevator on his way out. Oh, and the faux-Gucci-clad secretary's skirt is totally eighties with a chain and everything. Kiefer pulls a fire alarm in order to stop the elevator, and runs down the stairs. Kue the Kiefer-on-the-move theme. He finds Cofell's limo and gets rid of his driver somehow. Cofell gets downstairs eventually and summons his car. Kiefer's at the wheel of said car, wearing some snazzy new shades. They drive to the airport. Ordo they?
Klockwise from the top left, Kiefer adjusts the air konditioning for Cofell, Alberta peers imperiously at Nina from the Kiefer Kube, Bride caresses Spawn's new body wave, and Lady Mac reads to the assembled school kids -- probably The Prince by Machiavelli. Bride feels a sharp pain just below her abdomen. I know there's a joke in here somewhere about Spawn's head being on her lap at the time, but I can't think of it right now. Spawn is concerned, but Bride tries to play it down. She's still in pain. Hey, that's not a fun and suspenseful way to end the episode! No more tail for you, Joel Surnow! The time is 9:59:589:59:59...10:00:00 AM.