I tell you, I feel like I have head lice or something. All of my fellow MBTV recappers hard at work recapping their own shows since September; meanwhile, I have to wait until November for my show to be ready for prime time. It's like I don't get to start school until my mom shampoos my hair with Lindane and the school nurse checks my scalp for stray eggs. And to be perfectly honest, I don't understand this whole "sensitivity" thing sweeping the networks lately. Here we are as a nation glued to our TV sets watching CNN twenty-four hours a day complete with multiple re-viewings of the towers collapsing, bombs going off in Afghanistan, and bio-terrorism updates while the entertainment shows are having a cow over whether or not their shows remind us of the September 11th tragedies. I mean, God forbid I should see the Golden Girls episode where Rose tells that story about her favorite cow back in St. Olaf dying of anthrax as opposed to, say, walking outside of my Brooklyn apartment building and plainly seeing a big black smoldering hole across the East River where the World Trade Center used to be…not to mention the policemen on every corner and the dull roar of Air Force jets making rounds. So finally, after months of waiting for the producers to get rid of any painful reminders of real terrorism, it's showtime. First there's this dark screen, and then various lines pop up on the screen which eventually come together to form the number "24" in some cold computer-y font reminiscent of LCD screens or high school football scoreboards. More writing, accompanied by a Kiefer Sutherland voice-over for those of us who can't read said writing, explains that this entire episode takes place between midnight and 1:00 AM on the day of the California Presidential primary. "All events take place in real time," says the final card. Dude, is this a TV show or a Powerpoint presentation with celebrity audio? Cut to the chase, we've been waiting long enough.
It's 4 PM in Kuala Lumpur local time, according to more subtitles, and we open with an image of those two towers in Kuala Lumpur that are the two tallest buildings in the world. I'm kind of shocked that they left this shot in. I mean, can't you see that being an issue? "Hey, we should lose the Kuala Lumpur twin towers, right? I mean, isn't that a painful reminder that America doesn't have their tall twin buildings anymore?" As the credits come up, the screen splits in three, and two more images of Kuala Lumpur appear in boxes which dance around. It's totally reminiscent of the Mary Tyler Moore credits, but the soundtrack is slightly more ominous and builds more tension…and there isn't a cute perky career girl throwing her hat in the air. Instead, we see gritty marketplaces where dirty people buy dirty vegetables and speak some sinister-sounding language like they're in a Duran Duran video. A wiry thirty-ish Caucasian man enters a ground floor apartment whose bleached wood exterior makes it look like a Lake Tahoe Radisson, but judging from the hookers and beggars outside, we're obviously supposed to think it's a seedy hotel. He enters a room, takes a padlock off a door inside, opens a laptop, picks up a telephone, and identifies himself as "Victor Rovner" and requests permission to log on. Permission is granted by the guy on the other end of the line, and with sweat dripping from his forehead, he downloads some information from a spy satellite. There's a loud knock on the door, and crazy foreign shouting is heard outside. So you just know that this Victor Rovner guy has found out something that someone else doesn't want him to know…or something.
Meanwhile, at a formal party in downtown Los Angeles in some glass tower where there are candelabras and live piano, it is 12:02:14 AM, and an older mustached gentleman -- who we later find out is Kiefer's boss -- gets a cell phone call. He takes leave of some chick he's talking to and continues the conversation over by the wall out of earshot. It's some agent-y looking guy on the other end of the line, who informs Boss of Kiefer that he's spoken to Victor Rovner. "Do we know who the target is?" asks Boss of Kiefer. "Senator David Palmer," says the agent-y guy. Boss of Kiefer's eyes widen.
, we're at Senator David Palmer's campaign headquarters, which seems to be a Hilton Hotel suite. A Steadicam follows his wife, whose informal twin set is the same warm beige as the carpeting and the curtains which adorn the glass walls. Whoever art-directed this series obviously has a serious hard-on for glass walls and floor length curtains and the color cream. Either that, or it's supposed to be symbolic that all the interiors are transparent but veiled. Palmer, a poor man's Denzel Washington, and his staff are sitting out on the balcony having a speech-writing meeting. I guess we're supposed to think that Palmer is good ole simple decent guy who just wants to be President so he can do right for the country, because he keeps making changes in the speech in order to make it sound less "self-serving" at the suggestion of his wife. Poor Man's Denzel compromises on the wording of the speech and kisses her goodnight so she can go off and write thank-you notes.
It's 12:03:25 AM at Casa Kiefer, a white bungalow with a neat lawn, black shutters, and a big red brick chimney. "You're having trouble, Dad," says a voice from inside. Inside, Kiefer and Spawn of Kiefer, a poor man's Erika Christensen (or maybe a poor man's Jennifer Jason Leigh?) are playing chess in a homey but opulent living room full of Asian collectible decorative arts. "At last!" cries America (or at least 7.5 percent of its Nielsen families). "Kiefer!" We're all dying to know how he looks; no one's seen him since his fiancé Julia Roberts took a look at her Pretty Woman box office returns, realized she'd be marrying beneath her, and decided to dump his ass and run off to Ireland with his best friend Jason Patric, leaving his career a black smoldering hole. We all, like Kiefer, wonder how things would be different if she hadn't left him at the altar…and simply divorced him thirty-two days later like she did to Dwight Yoakam…I mean Lyle Lovett. Well, I'm happy to report that time has been kind to Kiefer. He's wearing his "cool dad" outfit, which consists of an cobalt blue athletic t-shirt over a white undershirt, charcoal grey stretch pants, and Nike running shoes with no socks. For some reason he has a folded-up newspaper in his hand, even though he's playing chess with his daughter. Maybe he swats her over the head with it when she plays badly? They have an expository conversation about the fact that he's just moved back home after having a big marital spat with Bride of Kiefer. Spawn of Kiefer, who looks like she's thirty, dressed in a big pink fluffy robe with tendrils of blonde hair peeking out from her oh-so-casual French-braided hairstyle is sent to bed, 'cause after all it's a school night.
On her way to her room, she walks through the Casa Kiefer Kitchen; her mother, Bride of Kiefer, is sitting at a breakfast nook which seems to have been purchased at Workbench, doing work at a wafer-thin laptop. Although she's wearing a cool-mom outfit consisting of a sage-colored Lycra long-sleeved workout top and a cream-colored pair of stretch pants, Spawn of Kiefer gives her mother the cold shoulder and stomps off to bed. Bride of Kiefer buries her head in her manicured hand. Kiefer, who's seen the whole brush-off, comes in to comfort her. BOK looks a good two or three years older than her daughter and has this hairstyle I can only describe as unfortunate. It looks like the kind of haircut you give yourself when you're six. "Mommy! Mommy! Look what me and my friend Abigail did! We gave each other summer haircuts! Aren't we pretty?" They provide some home-life back story by discussing the fact that SOK blames BOK for K moving out. BOK thinks SOK is trying manipulate K into siding with her in her war against her mother. Kiefer assures BOK that he busts SOK when SOK tries to turn him against BOK. "Don't take it so personally," says Kiefer, going to the double-door fridge and getting himself a little tub o' pudding. "It's just a mother/teenaged daughter thing." BOK sulks some more, so Kiefer suggests that they go talk to her right this second and let her know she can't play them against each other. They walk to her room, engage in a little foreplay on the way, and open her door. Despite the generic grrrl-rocker tunes blaring from her stereo, Spawn of Kiefer is nowhere to be found. The sound of a car pulling out of the Casa Kiefer driveway can plainly be heard through an open window. Bride of Kiefer vows to ground her for two months. As Kiefer goes through SOK's scrapbook, the phone rings. It's for Kiefer. Kiefer's boss wants him to come in to the office for an emergency meeting. Kiefer apologizes for having to leave. He tells BOK he'll be back in an hour and they'll look for SOK then.
As Kiefer leaves the house, he calls one of SOK's ex-boyfriends, a shirtless tattooed guy smoking pot and listening to loud rock music in a candlelit room. He assures Kiefer that SOK isn't there. Oh sure, the kids think Kiefer's square, but ultimately they respect the Kiefer and tell him the truth. Spawn of Kiefer is, in fact, in an SUV with a girlfriend of hers. Friend of Spawn of Kiefer (FOSOK) is a poor man's Mena Suvari from American Beauty -- tarty but stiff. They're on their way to one of those proverbial double dates with a couple of college guys. Like, doesn't anyone know that the college guy/high school girl double date never happens anymore? If a high school girl wants to get date raped by a college boy these days, she's got to team up with a girlfriend or two and sneak into a keg party as a free agent. So anyway, as SOK applies lip gloss, FOSOK moves to the music and explains that they're all meeting in a furniture store because one of these boys works there. Poor FOSOK. She was obviously told by the director to rock out to some music that wasn't actually playing on the set when they shot this scene. "We'll edit it in later," says the director. "It'll look great. You won't look stupid at all!" But the music they added to the soundtrack totally doesn't match whatever she's "grooving" to now, so she totally does look stupid. Oh, and you know how in those proverbial college guy/high school girl double dates, the sluttier and wiser of the two girls makes some comment that no one ever makes in real life about how they're about to meet some "real men" who aren't "high school boys"? Well, that just happened. Spawn of Kiefer's all excited.
Kiefer's in his own car, heading to "CTU," his office that exists under the auspices of the CIA. He calls Nina, some woman who works for him, on his cell phone to pump her for more details about this surprise meeting. While talking to Office Bitch of Kiefer, he passes a billboard for David Palmer's Presidential campaign, which seems to cause him to have a hunch of some kind. Nina, the Office Bitch of Kiefer, a poor man's Hilary Swank, has a brunette version of the Meg Ryan lesbian businesswoman's hairdo. You know, the one that is straight on top but fluffs out as it hits the ears as if to say, "The top of my head is all business, but here around the ears I'm wild, perky, and sexually uninhibited!"? After she gets off the phone, she's accosted by the inappropriately dressed spunky Latina spitfire that no office is complete without. Okay, remember Vasquez from Aliens? She was the butch Latina marine who, although she didn't understand all of Sigourney Weaver's scientific explanations for things and all those big words, just wanted to find those muthafuckin' aliens and blow them sky-high. And she loved Bill Paxton, her homophobic, racist, sexist compadre, although she didn't let on until they were about to blow up together. Well, imagine a slightly less butch version of Vasquez, but with Baby Spice's haircut. "How long is this gonna take," says Jalapeño Spice, cracking her gum and removing her leather jacket. "Why," says Office Bitch of Kiefer. "Are we interrupting your social life?" "At least I have a social life," replies Special Agent Paprika, who seems to be fighting the urge to snap her fingers drag-queen style in OBOK's face. OBOK walks over to the desk of a handsome thirty-ish Latin guy with a soul patch and ask him if he knows anything about the emergency meeting. Soul Patch knows nothing either.
Kiefer pulls into the parking lot of CTU at 12:09:46. As he walks toward the building, he whips out his call phone a la Edina on Ab Fab and calls his wife. She hasn't heard anything from Spawn of Kiefer. Kiefer suggests they "try to remember what it was like when [they] were kids." Bride of Kiefer half-heartedly suggests getting a therapist. How 'bout just getting someone to give the women in Kiefer's family decent haircuts? When he enters the building and sees Nina, he hangs up with his wife. Now this place that Kiefer works for, it's an agency, right? More like an ad agency. I have never seen a government bureau housed in a loft-like space complete with exposed wooden beams, aluminum wall dividers, Hold Everything desk accessories, and, yes, glass walls veiled with cream-colored diaphanous floor-length curtains. Since when do Philippe Starck or Andre Putman apply for government contracts? I guess it's important, when fighting the war on terrorism, to let Osama bin Laden know that the U.S.A.'s top intelligence agents read Italian interior design magazines. 'Cause if we just furnish our offices with stuff from Office Depot, they've won, okay? Kiefer tells Soul Patch, whose real name is Tony, to get detailed backgrounds of every person on David Palmer's staff. Soul Patch gets snippy about the implied racism in checking out David Palmer because he's black. Kiefer points out that David Palmer's blackness makes him a likely target for assassination. "That might not be how they'll interpret it on the outside," says Soul Patch. "I just gave you an order and I want you to follow it," says Kiefer. Soul Patch shuffles back to his desk, ostensibly to carry out the almighty word of Kiefer.
Meanwhile, the American Beauty-mobile pulls into a parking lot where a purple van -- that's right, a van -- awaits them. Gee, could these boys be bad news? And as it so happens in every proverbial high school girl/college boy double date that may or may not involve a van, the slutty initiator of the PHSG/CBDD gets out of the car first and starts making out with her college boy with whom she's already intimate, leaving the shyer high school girl and the other college boy to make introductions themselves. "Janet says you guys like to party," says Spawn of Kiefer to her college boy, whose name apparently is Rick. "As a matter of fact, we do," says Rick. "As a matter of fact, so do I," says Spawn of Kiefer gamely. Rick grabs a six-pack of beer from the van and escorts her into the furniture store. In the furniture store, the lights are out, and a figure in the shadows jumps Spawn of Kiefer. Oh my God, she's getting kidnapped! No, not yet. It's just some teenage fun as the gang flips the lights on and proceeds to "party" and otherwise disrespect the furniture store by standing on tables, drinking beer, laughing at the tacky gavon' furniture, and dancing to yet more nonexistent music. Oh, and just to give it that extra touch of badness, the kids are all smoking cigarettes that they're holding funny just so they can get some pot smoking past the censors.
Back at CTU, Kiefer is watching the news on a television screen that's the same size as one Hef would have in the Playboy Mansion. A black television reporter named Maureen Kingsley is announcing the primaries taking place that morning, where "David Palmer is expected to clinch the presidential nomination." Kiefer calls some guy named Frank on his cordless phone, who I guess is a police officer or belongs to another agency. He tells him that his daughter snuck out and asks him to keep an eye out for her. Boss of Kiefer arrives, and Kiefer gets off the phone, trying not to look distracted. Everyone assembles in a conference room, where Special Agent Cha Cha Cha has already plunked herself down saucily at the head of the table. Boss of Kiefer announces that there is word of an assassination attempt aimed at Senator David Palmer by a well-funded shooter from overseas. Nina-Bitch-of-Kiefer asks what a foreign group would want with David Palmer. Boss of Kiefer answers that the shooter was probably hired by a domestic hate group. He tells them to check the background of all of David Palmer's people and cross-check it with known terrorists. "We're on it," says Kiefer, putting his hand on Soul Patch's shoulder as if to say "I told you so," and everyone breaks.
Boss of Kiefer asks Kiefer to stay behind and ascertains that despite Kiefer's hustle, Kiefer is not that thrilled to be there. "Things better at home?" asks Boss of Kiefer. "Yeah," says Kiefer. "We're trying." Then Boss of Kiefer proceeds to inform Kiefer confidentially that someone working for the agency might be in on the assassination attempt, and Kiefer has to find out who. Kiefer protests that he's not the man for this job, seeing as how he busted some agents for taking bribes a while ago. "If there's a conspiracy to kill David Palmer," says Kiefer, "I'll never get near it." Boss of Kiefer tells Kiefer that he's the only one he can trust. "If Palmer gets hit, the first African-American with a shot at the White House, it'll tear this country apart." Both men lower their heads at the thought. Actually, a couple of planes flying into the World Trade just did "tear this country apart," so I doubt many viewers are getting too emotional about this fairy land where black people have a chance at the presidency. I mean, is anyone who watched last year's election still thinking that it's possible for the right man (or woman) to get elected president despite his (or her) race and family connections? Kiefer promises to look into it. Boss of Kiefer informs him that George Mason is coming by to brief Kiefer further. I guess George is an agent from some other department or something. Kiefer asks Boss of Kiefer if he "should trust George Mason." Boss of Kiefer tells Kiefer not to trust anyone. "Not even your own people," says Boss of Kiefer, as some music that sounds an awful lot like "Tubular Bells," the theme from The Exorcist, starts playing. The screen splits into three again. One screen is just Kiefer. One screen is just Boss of Kiefer, and below is a shot of an airplane in flight.
Inside the airplane, a dark brooding European dude in a charcoal gray rayon shirt open to mid-chest checks out a stewardess's ass and asks her in a German accent when the flight is landing. The stewardess informs him that they'll be landing in an hour. Dark brooding European dude interlaces his fingers and moistens his lips in anticipation. The screen goes black and the time, 12:20:07, is flashed across the screen.
So then there's a commercial break. I don't get the new Honda ad where they all gather around the campfire and the guy announces that he's going to load up his standard CD player with hours of New Age music. Are they dissing New Age music? There's no reaction shot of the other guys around the campfire when he announces this, so I have no idea what the point is, and then it just ends abruptly. Shrek is the number-one selling video. Steve Carell is doing Fed Ex ads and I'm sort of glad that he's making some real money. I can't imagine that the Daily Show pays him enough. Life as a House with Kevin Kline? Oh. Dear. Cingular cell phones have text messaging so you can send naughty coded messages to your teenage friends. America Online is "number one" because it's a great place for your kids to meet pedophiles who will abduct them and make them underage porn stars.
When we return, the clock reads 12:22:54 and a split screen is shown. On the left, Spawn of Kiefer is checking out the bedding department with her new friend Rick. On the upper right, Bride of Kiefer is checking out her cuticles. On the lower right, Kiefer walks determinedly down the hall of CTU. At Senator David Palmer's campaign headquarters, Palmer's assistant picks up her cell phone. "Hey Martin, how're you doing?" she asks. "It's the photographer," she whispers to David Palmer. The screen splits, and on the other end of the line is brooding Euro dude, who tells her he's landing in one hour and confirms his plans to meet with the Senator for a photo session at 7 AM. Ohmygod! The foreign shooter is posing as a photographer in order to gain access to his target! When he hangs up, his seatmate, an attractive brunette who looks like she'd be a professional groupie for the Dave Matthews Band turns to him and goes, "You know David Palmer?" "I am going to be taking a few, uh, photographs of him," says brooding Eurotrash. "You're a photographer?" says groupie chick in a gritty voice that suggests many bong hits by the pool. "Have I ever seen one of your photographs?" Hey, it's gonna be just like Day of the Jackal when that assassin does that girl in the airplane bathroom and then kills her! Except that considering that the groupie chick is played by independent film actress Mia Kirshner and the brooding Euro guy is played by the guy who played Dracula in the season premiere ofBuffylast year, it would seem there's a plot twist coming.
Back at CTU, it's 12:25:57. Kiefer is doing some work of some sort. Nina-Bitch-of-Kiefer sidles up to him to ask him what's going on. Kiefer tells her that George Mason is coming by to brief him. "You? Not us?" says Bitch of Kiefer incredulously. Kiefer ignores her. "You can't shut me out," says Bitch of Kiefer as Soul Patch looks over and gives them the hairy eyeball. Kiefer gives her some more vague excuses, and she accuses him of lying. "I am lying," says Kiefer. "But you're still going to have to trust me." "One of these days you're going to ask for too much," says Nina. The phone rings. It's Bride of Kiefer. She just found three joints in Spawn of Kiefer's room. Okay, what kind of anal-retentive bitch is Spawn of Kiefer anyway? I mean, what kind of normal teenager rolls joints for later? When me and my friends had pot -- which admittedly was rare, as we were such geeks that we were totally out of the loop of all the drug dealing in our high school -- we kept it in the Ziploc baggie we bought it in, goddammit. If we were going somewhere, we'd roll an evening's worth of joints and bring them along, hidden in a pack of real cigarettes. We would never do something prissy like buy pot, roll it all into individual joints, and then leave what we don't need for the evening in our desk drawers. I mean, you'd think the daughter of a CIA agent who "loves to party" would hide her stash with just a little more sophistication. "I know this isn't the end of the world," says Bride of Kiefer for the benefit of the millions of people out there who were just about to burst into peals of hysterical laughter over the idea of a parent freaking out over finding a joint in their daughter's bedroom, because when you get right down to it, most parents today would love it if their kids were just stoners. "Hey, look!" says a jubilant mom snooping in her daughter's room. "It's not crack!" I mean, yeah, pot smoking can lead to the use of more serious drugs…but only if you can still get off the couch and go find some. Stoners are non-destructive and generally pleasant. And they don't overachieve, so you don't have to worry about sending them to expensive private schools. Cocaine users, on the other hand, are all status-conscious and stuff. They get wired and do their homework and always want to go to some college that caters to rich kids like Sarah Lawrence or Bennington. A good state school will do just fine for a stoner. And stoners don't sneak out at night and go to parties in furniture shops; they're too unmotivated to leave the house. Now that you can get pizza and videos delivered, there's no need to worry about who your stoner kids are hanging out with, because their fat asses are stuck in the beanbag chairs in your basement so you can keep your eye on them all night. And a pot habit isn't expensive enough to encourage crime. As long as your kid has a job at a video store, they can afford a pot habit and have access to free videos. However, this is cold comfort for Mama and Papa Kiefer, who see the pot as a harmless-on-its-own symptom of other destructive behavior. Kiefer tells Bride of Kiefer to check Spawn's email. "We gave her her own password to show that we trusted her, remember?" says Bride of Kiefer, much to the amusement of parents everywhere. Kiefer tells his wife that he's sorry he can't be there to help her look for Spawn, and gets off the phone. "Everything okay?" asks Bitch of Kiefer, who's been listening to Kiefer's side of the conversation while she shuffles papers around. Kiefer puts on a good front and claims that everything's fine.
Back at Bad Teen Convertibles, Rick is expounding upon how he's decided to go to San Diego State University. Then he takes his cigarette and grips it carefully between his thumb and forefinger and smokes it really hard like it's a joint with a filter tip. Spawn of Kiefer asks about the surfing at SDSU. Rick explains that surfing requires more motivation than he has. Spawn explains that her dad used to surf. When Rick asks why he stopped, Spawn explains that he used to be a really great guy, but he died six months ago. I guess someone at Casa Kiefer has transmuted their divorce trauma a little too far. "But I'm over it," says Spawn of Kiefer. They make out.
Back at Kiefer's office, Kiefer is in the middle of putting on a more professional shirt -- a charcoal grey cashmere long-sleeved polo. The bod, or at least what we can see of it from the side, looks pretty good, but it's a strange angle they're shooting it from. Maybe Kiefer's been working out only the left half of his body, so they're only shooting him from his good side. He puts his cool-dad outfit into his brushed aluminum storage unit and lets George Mason in. You know George Mason is evil because he's played by the actor Xander Berkeley, who played the evil Secret Service man in Air Force One. In fact, it's a law: If there's a movie that has a character with a double-crossing CIA agent in development, Xander Berkeley has to at least get a read-through before they cast it. Xander tells Kiefer that the shooter is probably German and is arriving in the U.S. today. Then he hands him a chip of some sort and explains that it will help him get into any secured database nationwide so he can do a little more investigating. Kiefer asks who is the source on this information. Xander refuses to tell him because it's classified, but drops a dark hint about Palmer's politics and how he might shut down the agency if he becomes president. Yeah, like someone could just shut down the CIA if elected president. Kiefer asks Xander to at least call his boss and ask him for clearance so Kiefer's ass is covered. Xander agrees, makes a comment about Kiefer "finally learning to play the game," and asks Kiefer if he can use his phone.
Kiefer leaves the office, ostensibly to get a cup of coffee, and has Nina patch in so he can hear the call -- which turns out to be to "Time and Weather." He's just pretending to make the call for Kiefer's benefit. Frantic mandolin plucking starts to play on the soundtrack. Kiefer goes to the hall closet, which is piled with aluminum suitcases -- probably the modeling portfolios that belong to the ad agency they're using for interior shots. He selects a tranquilizer gun, hides it in an empty binder, and, despite Nina's look of concern, returns to his office and shoots Xander in the calf. As Kiefer wrestles Xander to the couch, Nina enters and closes the door. "You are out of your mind," says Nina. Kiefer explains that Mason is holding back information, so they have to blackmail him into spilling his guts. He dispatches Nina to investigate George Mason's offshore bank accounts and see if he skimmed any money from a drug arrest he made last year. He hands Nina that chip or whatever it was that George gave him that apparently gives you super investigative powers or something to help her with the trail. He tells her to get the information before Xander wakes up in less than half an hour. In the struggle, the scrapbook of Spawn of Kiefer has fallen on the floor. I guess he pocketed it when he searched her room. Kiefer notices the scrapbook and starts to look through it. The time is 12:34:23.
After a commercial break, the time is 12:38:40. The screen splits in four to reveal Eurotrash and Groupie Gal talking -- probably planning a covert blowjob in the airplane lavatory -- in the upper lefthand corner; Spawn of Kiefer, telling Rick some more about her dead father in the lower lefthand corner; Senator Palmer dictating something to his secretary in the lower righthand corner; and Kiefer making a phone call on the upper right. The phone rings at Casa Kiefer. Bride of Kiefer answers it, breaking a tea cup in the process. It's Alan York, the father of the slutty friend of Spawn of Kiefer, whose name turns out to be Janet. He's discovered his daughter missing as well and wants to know if Bride of Kiefer knows where they've gotten to. Bride of Kiefer takes Alan York's number and promises to call him if she hears anything.
Back at CTU, Nina has found George Mason's account number, but she can't get into the account because it's "encrypted." Kiefer asks Nina to get Soul Patch to get around the encryption. Apparently Nina is sleeping with Soul Patch, so Kiefer feels that Soul Patch owes her a favor. Nina is clearly irritated and surprised that Kiefer knows about this. She exits Kiefer's office and goes over to Soul Patch's desk and asks him to decode the encryption and get into George Mason's account. Soul Patch asks Nina if the favor is for her or for Jack. Nina lies and says it's for her. "I'm trying to pick up a thread," says Nina. "I'm trying to pick up a thread of my own," says Soul Patch. "Are you still sleeping with [Kiefer]?" Ooooh! Keep Nina away from the spiked eggnog at those CIA Christmas parties, y'all! Nina tries to deny it, but Soul Patch asks her how she can have an affair with someone who "turned in his own people." "They were dirty," replies Nina. "And Jack's Mister Clean, huh?" asks Soul Patch sarcastically. "Yes he is," says Nina emphatically. He promises her that he'll "see what [he] can find." When Nina leaves his desk, he's shown scowling thoughtfully in a close-up.
Meanwhile, Kiefer approaches Jalapeño Spice and asks her if she can hack into his home phone line and retrieve his daughter's email password. I guess Kiefer feels that Jalapeno Spice is the right one for this job because she learned computers on the six, yo, and she can hack into Casa Kiefer and get the 411, know what I'm sayin'? Jalapeño Spice wants to see a warrant. Kiefer assures her that it's urgent and important. Jalapeno complies, 'cause after all, those chicas from the Bronx know wassup so they keep it on the DL for Kiefer, a-i-i-i-ght? Kiefer calls Bride of Kiefer, who is still sweeping up the remains of the teacup, and tells her that Spawn of Kiefer's password is "Lifesucks." Bride of Kiefer is all, "Perfect."
Back at Bad Teen Convertibles, Spawn asks Rick if he's going to be around this weekend. "I could be," says Rick. "Be," demands Spawn of Kiefer, gently. They make out on the stairs while something the closed captioning calls "trip-hop music" plays. They can't find the other two. Oh wait, they're upstairs having sex.
At 12:43:05, the airplane is still making its way toward LAX. Groupie Gal and Eurotrash still haven't reached the lavatory, but she's asking Eurotrash if he's ever met Princess Di. "Yeah," says Eurotrash boastfully. "But I never took her picture." She asks him to show her one of his pictures. Eurotrash reaches for one of the in-flight magazines and shows her a page from it. "Munich?" asks Groupie Gal. "Yeah," says Eurotrash.
Senator Palmer enters his wife's sitting room, where she is hand-writing some thank-you notes. "The personal touch never hurt," explains Mrs. Palmer. As if even the most domesticated first lady would ever have time to write thank-you notes without the help of a staff of forty. They start to get frisky, but they're interrupted by Palmer's assistant Patty, who claims it's reporter Maureen Kingley on the phone and it's very important. From Palmer's end of the conversation, it seems that Maureen is about to air a nasty story about Palmer and wants his comment. Palmer threatens a lawsuit if said story is aired. Mrs. Palmer and Assistant Patty listen in. Palmer hangs up, dismisses Patty, and refuses to talk about the call. "Since when don't we talk about things?" says Mrs. Palmer. Palmer walks out to the balcony and closes the curtained glass door in her face. The time is 12:46:51.
At 12:49:11, the split screen reveals (clockwise from the upper left) Bride of Kiefer pacing Casa Kiefer, Rick and Spawn of Kiefer making out at Bad Teen Convertibles, Eurotrash and Groupie Gal making out, and Senator Palmer doing absolutely nothing. Nina enters Kiefer's office. "I thought you were trying to get your life back together," says Nina, watching Xander sleep on Kiefer's couch and explaining to Kiefer that if Soul Patch doesn't turn up anything in Xander's offshore account, Kiefer could go to jail. They fight some more about the fact that Kiefer can't tell her anything, and Kiefer makes a speech about "looking the other way" and how the agents he busted were good agents, they just looked the other way one too many times. "I'll see how Tony's coming along," says Nina, exiting.
The phone rings at the home of Poor Man's Mena Suvari. Mr. York answers the phone. It's Bride of Kiefer. She found an email to her daughter from Poor Man's Mena Suvari and got the address where they were meeting the college boys that night. York asks Bride of Kiefer if he can drive there with her. Bride of Kiefer agrees.
At Bad Teen Convertibles, Spawn and Rick have just finished doing the nasty. Both couples approach the van in order to catch a party somewhere in the valley. The boys are unsure of the address, so Spawn of Kiefer gets out her cell phone so they can call. But when she looks at her phone, there are five messages from Bride of Kiefer. "I have to go home," announces Spawn. Inevitable peer pressure is exerted on Spawn -- a vital requirement for the PHSG/CBDD -- but Rick sticks up for her. "Leave her alone," says Rick. "Her father just died." Poor Man's Mena Suvari is confused and almost lets the cat out of the bag. Spawn tells her quietly to cram it. PMMS still wants to party, so they get in the van. "We'll drop you off," promises Rick. Spawn gets into the purple van, which has Christmas lights twinkling inside and ska music on the sound system.
At 12:52:47, Groupie and Euro are renewing their respective memberships in the Mile-High Club. Groupie, whose real name is Mandy, introduces herself to Euro, whose real name is Martin. "Maybe we can get together when we get to L.A.," suggests Mandy pathetically. Martin is too busy checking out his reflection in the mirror to answer. "See ya," says Mandy, looking so sad in her cut-off denim jean skirt that I couldn't imagine her ever being a female terrorist if there just happened to be a plot twist and she turned out to be the assassin. But that would never happen in a million years. No way.
Soul Patch has found his way into Xander's offshore bank account. He calls Kiefer and tells him he's emailing him the results. Kiefer gets the email, wakes up Xander, shows him the incriminating account statement, and blackmails him into revealing the source of the assassination information. "You have no idea what you're getting yourself into," says Xander, typing the name of the source on Kiefer's computer screen so that we, the viewers, don't know who it is.
Now that Martin/Eurotrash is in his seat, Mandy limps pathetically out of the bathroom by herself, having just checked his stolen wallet for his press pass. When a stewardess tells her to take her seat as they'll be landing soon, Mandy kills her with a lethal injection to her jugular vein. Wow, I didn't see that coming at all. Martin notices that his wallet is missing. He tries to get up and find Mandy, but a stewardess stops him and tells him to take his seat because they're landing soon. Mandy pulls a suitcase out of the front compartment and rigs up some explosives. She puts on a parachute and some stylin' gloves and gives us a mournful sidelong glance not seen since the days of Susanna Hoffs's tenure with the Bangles. The bomb busts open the plane door, and she flies out. As Mandy begins her descent, the bomb goes off and explodes the plane. Thank God the producers of 24 decided not to show the actual airplane exploding, because that would be insensitive. Instead, Mandy is shown flying away from a ball of fire we can barely see, which many viewers assumed was the sunrise and was therefore a major blooper as far as this whole real time gimmick is concerned. How quaint. A terrorist who thinks it's important to save her own life.
Kiefer calls Bride of Kiefer, who is in the car with Mr. York. Kiefer is concerned that Bride of Kiefer is driving around so late at night with someone she doesn't even know. The connection is broken -- damn those cell phones -- and Kiefer asks Nina to cover for him while he leaves the office. Nina agrees, but before Kiefer can get to his call, Soul Patch tells him about a plane exploding over the Mojave desert due to a bomb on board. Um, if this show is in real time, would they really know already? Kiefer asks for a passenger list and gets back to work. Back in the purple van, Spawn of Kiefer tells PMMS's boyfriend to take the exit. Boyfriend of PMMS ignores her. "You missed my turn," whines Spawn of Kiefer. Rick, who is acting strangely cold all of a sudden, tells her to relax. Spawn complies reluctantly, and they cross paths with the car containing Bride of Kiefer and Mr York. The screen is split into five now, with (clockwise from upper left) Senator Palmer still doing jack, a close-up of Kiefer, a close-up of Spawn inside the purple van, and a close-up of Bride of Kiefer and Mr. York in the windshield. Mandy the terrorista is shown falling to the ground with her parachute opening. It's 12:59:59…1:00:00.