Welcome to my first movie recap. It's kind of a departure from recapping 24, in that it's twice as long and there are no commercials and there's no ticking clock popping up on the screen every few minutes to tell me how far along I am and Elisha Cuthbert's hair doesn't look like ass. But I'll adapt.
We open on softly-spoken, porny-sounding-but-actually clean dialogue over soft, porny music as the opening titles are intercut with porny-looking-but-actually-clean images like a close-up on a woman's lips, a camera lens, polished fingernails clutching the arm of a chair. The porny male photographer voice breathes, "You ready?" and the woman says, "Yeah," as we find out she's actually a somewhat plain high school student, fully dressed, getting snapped by a school photographer in the gymnasium. Not snapped like that, you pervs. The movie was just fucking with you. Just get used to the fact that when this movie isn't fucking with you, it's stealing from other movies. Or, after a certain point, itself. There's a line of other students waiting to have their pictures taken as well, as we cut to the young woman's memories of winning the state championship in soccer. Then there's Lucky from General Hospital, playing Jock #1, getting photographed while voicing over that he'll always remember "mackin' all the honeys." Ew. Flashbacks of him at parties, you know, mackin'. Jock #2 will always remember mowing down people on the lacrosse field. A red-haired nerd will always remember "The Math Club Madmen" (words you don't normally hear together in a row like that), making the "perfect fake IDs" and trying to get into a club, where the bouncer makes them into perfect confetti. The IDs, not the Math Club Madmen. This is not that kind of movie. Which is sad, especially because one of those Math Club Madmen is David Daskal from Average Joe: Hawaii. Jock #3 will always remember the senior prank, which appears to have something to do with a giant inflatable pig. And there's lots of chasing people down and giving them atomic wedgies, as well as abusing the school mascot. I don't think Jock #3 understands that "prank" is singular, or that wedgies are generally recognized as a more sophomoric thing to do. Lots of footage of students doing student stuff. Cheerleaders cheer, chicks clique, black kids wave hello and then wave goodbye because we'll never see them again, prom-goers prom, goths goth, smokers smoke, skateboarders skateboard, skateboarders bleed, everyone bonds. It's like a little video yearbook of stereotypes, set to Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure," even though it doesn't look like it's 1982.
Finally a straitlaced, vaguely nerdy kid -- your protagonist for the evening, ladies and gentlemen -- perches on the stool, pastes a big dumb grin on his face, and says in voice-over, "Matthew Kidman. I will always remember…" His smile fades, and we cut to the yearbook form, where he's trying to fill in his senior quote and coming up blank. He's going to be doing a lot of that, so you'd best get used to it. He sits in the lunchroom, looking around at everyone, thinking to himself, Quick, remember something! He flashes back to his acceptance to Georgetown; winning an award for "The Brightest Leader of Tomorrow," like, nice "award," screenwriters; lots of studying; drawing inspiration from a picture of JFK (the first one) on his wall; ogling chicks in the lunchroom; sneaking peeks at saucy magazines in his bedroom…
The school bell puts a stop to all this. Word, bell. Two montages in the first five minutes is kind of a lot. Matthew sits alone and mopes under a banner that reads "SPIRIT WEEK." Oh, the irony.
Now that the montages are over (for now), it's just about time for the film to get down to the serious business of stealing from other coming-of-age movies. We're at a pep rally in the school gym. Matthew, flanked by his two buddies, passes under a banner that reads "Senior Prom: Do You Have the Fever?" Matthew seriously repeats the question to the nerd on his right (named Klitz. Get it? His name is Klitz!), who doesn't have the fever. It's worth pointing out that Klitz's nerdy-ass haircut is almost the same one worn by Spawn in Season Three of 24. But back to the fever. Matthew doesn't know if he has it. The nerd on his left, Eli, has "just gotta fuck something." And now you know all you need to know about these three. By the way, Eli is being played by the kid who plays Adam Rove on Joan of Arcadia, which makes me sincerely hope that Deborah never sees this movie, or he'll be ruined for her forever. By the way, I really shouldn't count the nerd wingmen as stealing from Sixteen Candles because they end up serving a completely different (stolen) purpose here, but Eli looks so much like a young John Cusack here that I kind of can't help it. Even if I cared to.
The class president is busy whipping the student body into a Riefenstahlian frenzy by not really saying anything at all. It's very reminiscent of Joe's awful singing at graduation in Say Anything. He warns everyone that security's going to be tight, so they should do their drinking in advance. We'll see what he means by "tight security" later on. The principal -- a large, dour fellow from central casting in a suit that looks like a Sherman tank -- takes the microphone away from him and hands it off to the student council president, our own Matthew Kidman. Matt looks nervously at the crowd, which has undergone a major downward mood swing in the past five seconds and is now staring at him silently. I remember that I always resented it when they made the whole school assemble in the gym for some cheap exposition. In this case, it's about a boy genius in Cambodia named Samnang. Seems they've raised $25,000 to bring him to America and study at this school. Does that really cost $25,000? And do you suppose that something unplanned is going to happen to that $25,000? Nobody's thinking about that now, because the jocks are standing up and cheering mockingly. A video of Samnang appears on the giant video screen, and he gives a heavily accented greeting from a Cambodian village that's so poor they only have one camcorder. The crowd goes wild, one guy screaming that he wants to bang Samnang. Okay, heh. Matthew, to his credit, appears to recognize the mocking for what it is, but says nothing. Just call the Cambodian kid the Donger and get it over with.
Afterward, Matthew, Klitz, and Eli watch through a window as the entire popular crowd skips class and heads off to the beach. Matthew gets a case of late-onset senioritis and tries to get his friends to skip class with him, but they're not down with it. "The beach is for fags, man," Eli pronounces. Oh, how I miss high school. Matthew's had enough of this, and heads. Out in the parking lot, the cool kids are covering up their California license plates. Matthew says to himself, not for the last time, "Fuck it." Because, as anyone who's seen Risky Business knows, sometimes you just gotta say, "What the fuck." It's just that when they were stealing the material for this movie, they didn't have enough room in the truck for all the words and had to leave some behind. Matt gets behind the wheel of his chick-magnet Taurus station wagon. He clicks his seatbelt as the in-crowd tears out, piled into pickup beds like letter-jacketed migrant workers.
The cool-kid convoy screams past the school security officer, throwing beer cans at him and making it impossible for him to identify anyone. Matthew, some distance behind, sees this and realizes he's screwed, but he tries to play it cool. That's something else he's going to be doing a lot of. Badly. At the exit, the officer flips on his siren and pulls up next to Matthew, hollering at him to pull over. Matthew guns it. I thought this kid was supposed to be smart. As Matthew watches, the security officer's vehicle gets in a head-on collision with an oncoming car, his skull rupturing in a cloud of blood and brains and glass. Okay, maybe I was wrong about what kind of movie this is.
Oops, it's just fucking with you again. Matthew has actually hallucinated that entire scene and he's still sitting in his car in the parking lot. Great.
Matthew comes home to the accompaniment of some Tangerine Dream music on the soundtrack, yet another one of the many, many invocations of Risky Business we're about to endure. A VW convertible is parked in front of the house next door, and Matthew looks at it like he's never seen it before. Who do you suppose it belongs to? He walks into his house, where his parents are sitting and visiting with another couple. The other guy, Mr. Peterson, congratulates Matthew on his admission to Georgetown. The thing is, Matthew has to work on this speech for a scholarship competition so he can actually afford to go to Georgetown. The MattRents look a little uncomfortable at this remark. I guess they don't have much equity in this huge house in this nice neighborhood they're living in, hmm? Maybe they're renting. Or squatting. Anyway, Matthew explains that he's in a competition to be the student with the most moral fiber. So we already know he's fucked.
Later, Matthew is taking out the garbage while practicing his speech, the cornerstone of which appears to be JFK's "ask not what your country can do for you" quote. As if we didn't already know he was fucked. That's when he spots someone unloading stuff from the mysterious VW convertible. It's Spawn, of course, playing the titular girl next door and looking very titular indeed in her clingy, asymmetrical red top. She's busy doing the hardest thing she's going to be called upon to do in the next ninety minutes, i.e. looking hot and walking in slow motion. As she makes eye contact with Matthew, we suddenly realize that the connection between these two is in fact undeniable; they look like siblings. He stares at her until he crashes into the trash cans and she looks back at him, a glimmer of something in her eyes. Allergies, maybe?
Then Matthew's up in his bedroom, on the phone with Eli about the religious experience he just had. Without taking his eyes off the porn tape he's been watching (it's important that Eli watches a lot of porn, for reasons that will be obvious later if they're not already), Eli demands, "So, did you bang her?" Matthew says, "Yeah, I banged her." Eli snaps, "That's what a man does, okay?" Still on the phone, Matthew turns around, looks out his window, and has another Spawn sighting, this time in her bedroom across the way. She stretches and looks bendy, Matthew rhapsodizes into the phone, and Eli pushes him to "be a man and go over there." But then he'd miss the show, Eli. Matthew realizes what Eli's watching, and is appropriately squicked out. Fortunately, he gets a well-timed distraction as the Tangerine Dream music fades back up. Spawn is now removing her shirt, then her bra. I'll save you a rental fee; her back's to the camera. Matthew hangs up and watches as she takes about an hour to slither out of her pants, revealing a red thong and what I am almost certain is a stunt ass. Suddenly she looks over her shoulder. Matthew gasps and drops out of sight to the floor, busted. I suspect entrapment. Nobody takes that much time to undress when they think no one's watching. But Matthew doesn't appear to see it that way. Serves him right for not turning off his own bedroom light so he could peep with impunity. He peeks over his windowsill and thinks he's gotten away with it when he sees her darkened, empty bedroom, but the moment quickly passes as he hears her door slam and she marches down the sidewalk to his house. Sadly, she's not wearing just the thong any more. The doorbell rings and he ducks down again as if it's the sound of enemy fire. He hears his parents answer the door, then their indistinct voices, and his father angrily hollers, "Matthew, come down here." The movie's fucking with you again, in case you're wondering. Spawn is standing in the entryway with Matthew's parents as a heavy vibe pours off all three of them. Is that vibe one of danger, or one of bullshit? Do you need to ask? The MattRents introduce Spawn as "Danielle," who's house-sitting for her aunt, the absent next-door neighbor lady. MattMom suggests Matthew show Spawn around. Spawn arches her already-arched eyebrows at him. Archly.
We're in the aforementioned VW as Spawn silently drives Matthew along an abandoned suburban road. Awkward. She abruptly pulls over, unhooks her seatbelt, and turns to face him. "What are we doing?" he asks. "Did you like what you saw?" is Spawn's first line. Well, for the unrated, "too hot for theaters" DVD cut of a movie with an R rating, I kind of expected a little more. Matthew tries to play innocent, but quickly breaks down under the pressure of her blank stare. He opens his mouth and a couple of seconds later he's shitting bricks, one of which contains his foot. Boy, that went right through him. Finally he gives up and simply says he's sorry. Spawn's not satisfied. "You saw me," she points out. Matthew realizes what she means and flatly says, "Never gonna happen."
That's a line which, of course, is like a Bat-signal to the ironic segue fairy, who the next second has him standing in his tighty-whities in the glare of Spawn's headlights. Her car headlights, people; we're not going to see the other ones, ever. She's insisting on the full Monty, and he resists until she blasts the horn. He drops his unda-pants on the street and says, "Happy now?" Which is her cue to gun the engine at him. He darts out of the way and she somehow snatches the undies off the street without appearing to open her car door. She has long arms. "Yup," she chirps as she drives past his naked ass. Which could also be a stunt ass. He takes off after her.
An unknown amount of time later, he's still jogging down the street, but he's acquired an inner tube that he's holding around his waist. I don't know. A laughing Spawn pulls up next to him as he keeps trotting. "You're an asshole," he observes, and I can't believe this movie said in less than twenty minutes something I've been waiting for somebody to notice for three whole seasons of 24. He says it's not funny. "It's a little funny," she giggles. He tries to get in the moving car, begging her to unlock the door. She does, and he awkwardly ditches the inner tube (if there's a way to non-awkwardly ditch an inner tube around your waist while simultaneously jogging and getting into a moving car while naked, I hope I never have occasion to employ it) and hops in. I think she likes him, if she's willing to let him pucker up and kiss the shotgun seat of her cute little car like that. He restates his opinion that it's not funny, and she insists that it's a little funny. Very little.
Now they're in a diner as Matthew watches her doodle with crayons on a paper placemat. Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Except the part where she's a porn star. That doesn't come up at all. She just says she wants to "start over." Matthew tries to smoothly bring up the subject of whether she has a boyfriend, but this kid's about as smooth as a washboard and she smiles, "Just ask me." He does, and she doesn't. "Weren't you going to ask if I have a girlfriend?" he says. That's a no, too. She thinks you're gay, Matt. She brings up the subject of his impending graduation, and he tries to play the part of the nutty, "off-the-hook" senior. She asks him, "What's the craziest thing you've done lately?" Aside from stripping in the street, nothing. "What about your girlfriend?" Spawn asks. Matthew just shrugs at that. Spawn launches into her prescription for the kind of girl she thinks he needs: "Definitely someone cute…someone who can make him laugh [at which Matthew laughs for no reason]…but he also needs someone who's going to push him…someone who's going to make him do things he never thought he could do." She hands him the doodle she's been working on, a fairly abstract self-portrait. Now, Spawn, it's not nice to tease closeted high-schoolers.
Later, she drops him off in front of his house. He sits there while she looks at him expectantly. He finally says goodnight and starts to get out, but gets zipped back in by his seatbelt. That's good for a snicker from her, and he utters another good night as he extracts himself from the car.
The next day, Eli flips up his fencing mask and says, incredulously, "Good night? What are you, gay?" Yeah, we covered that, Eli. Eli berates Matthew for his reticence while Klitz tries to get on with their fencing practice. My high school didn't have lacrosse or fencing. And that was before people figured out that students are perfectly capable of arming themselves without help from the school, thank you very much. The fencing is important later, though. Eli finally loses patience with Klitz and clubs him to the ground with his saber while Matthew realizes, "I should have kissed her."
Matthew's in math class listening to a dull lecture as Filter's "Take a Picture" cranks up. He looks out the window at a passing delivery truck. When it's gone, Spawn is out there across the street, leaning against her car and signaling him to join her. Maybe the song should be "Paint a Picture," because that's apparently what she needs to do for him. Oh, wait, she already did. Although I'm inclined to cut a little slack for nerdy high school guys who attract the romantic attention of hot chicks who are out of their league. They sometimes have a tendency to think that any encouraging signals they're getting are simply wishful thinking on their part. Which is why it took so long for my relationship with my wife to get off the ground. Anyway, Matt grabs his books and bails out of class. He dives into Spawn's car just as she's screeching away from the curb. On their way out of the parking lot, she winks seductively (and in slow motion, of course) at the security officer (who's still not dead), and they get away clean, even though Matthew goes out of his way to show his own face. Back in class, there's a pop quiz. No one does, or will ever, care. Klitz just shrugs at the teacher. But what Ferris Bueller-ish adventure are Spawn and Matthew embarking upon? Well, they're in his bedroom, and he's working on his speech while she listens to music on headphones. Why, I'm scandalized. They stare at each other adoringly. They lie on a blanket outside and look at the clouds. Off the hizzy!
Matthew shows Spawn a dorky picture of Samnang and explains how he raised a bunch of money to bring him to America and cure cancer. So, no pressure on Samnang or anything. Spawn looks at Matthew for, like, three minutes, going for "impressed" but landing on "are you ever going to kiss me or what?" Finally she turns and says, "Let's go."
Back in the Spawnmobile, pulling over at the curb. Matthew says he's not stripping again. Spawn just giggles and hops out of the car, running up the nearest yard and disappearing between two houses in slow motion. As you do. Matthew follows, but he doesn't have the hang of the slow motion thing yet. He catches up with Spawn, who magically knew that this particular backyard contained a swimming pool. She's kicking off her shoes as Matthew begs her to leave. They don't even know that nobody's home. His inhibitions disappear, however, at about the same time that her jeans do. Shades of Reckless. She dives in in her bra and underwear, and he carefully joins her in the water. She asks him, again, what's the craziest thing he's done lately. Spawn, there are permutations of "crazy" besides inappropriate nudity. They begin to drift towards each other just as the lights come on in the house. Which of course belongs to his principal. Matthew does some more mild freaking out, and Spawn just laughs. More of the "It's not funny"-"It's a little funny"-cakes. She tells him to just go with it, whatever that means. The principal peers out his window, but all he sees is a couple of unrecognizable kids getting out of his pool and running off. If Spawn's underwear has gone transparent, it's too far away to see. The principal shares my frustration.
Eli and Klitz are sitting on a couch. Eli's got a remote in his hand again. So far, that's all he's holding, but the soundtrack of whatever they're watching implies that that could change at any moment. Klitz says, "Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable watching this with you." Eli shushes him with what he means to be a comforting hand on Klitz's thigh, but Klitz reacts as if he's been burned. Homophobia is funny. The doorbell rings. Eli answers it, and there's Spawn with the "I'm all wet, can I come in?" bit from the commercial. Eli and Klitz stare at her, at a loss, until Matthew appears behind her, giggling, with the news that they're all "going out." Spawn wants to use the bathroom first, and the three of them watch her jeans-clad ass disappear down the hall, with much reverent "dude"-ing.
Spawn, now in a completely new outfit, leads the three guys to a party at what looks like a plantation house, except for the many drunken teenagers behaving raucously on the front lawn. This, I am counting as stolen from Sixteen Candles, and you can't stop me. Spawn turns heads, 'cause that's what she does. Or am I giving something away too early? As they emerge through the house into the even more debauched back yard, Klitz and Eli, who have dropped behind, get accosted and cut from the little herd. Matt and Spawn don't appear to notice. But Spawn's been noticed by Jock #1, who deploys his wingmen and makes his move. He approaches the new couple and introduces himself, eye-fucking Spawn so hard she can probably taste cornea. As he slathers her with sex-voodoo, Jock #2 takes Matthew off to one side to explain that "this party's getting kinda full, bro…you're gonna have to take off." Matthew looks over at where Jock #1 is handing Spawn a drink. Jock #2 assures Matthew, "It's cool. She's taken care of. There's the door." Bad host. Bad! He walks off to leave Matthew standing there, stewing in his own impotence. Matthew looks around. He's making his own montage with his eyes. Klitz and Eli have somehow acquired drinks now. Honeys get macked, drinks get drunk, Spawn and Jock #1 hit it off. Suddenly another dude appears, flinging a companionably drunk arm around Matthew and demanding, "When's Samsung getting here?" "Samnang," Matthew corrects. Drunk guy announces, "I love him. I'm going to do that little guy when he gets here. Hard." If his skills in bed match his ability to drive a joke into the ground, I have no doubt. Matthew excuses himself to a hearty "Woo! Sanyo!" Suddenly filled with resolve, he walks over, interposes himself between Spawn and Jock #1, and wraps his lips around hers. She drops her drink and kisses him back as the camera circles, a common trick directors use when they want to cover up the real reason their audiences suddenly feel nauseated. A defeated Jock #1 wanders off as Matthew and Spawn continue to make out in the center of the camera's dizzying orbit. Freeze frame. Fade to black.
Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It had a sweet ending, and…wait. During the closing credits, Matthew walks serenely and confidently through the halls at school, nodding pleasantly at the suspicious principal. Eli catches up to him and walks alongside him, grinning: "You're coming with me right now." Hey, what about the closing credits?
Not for a while, I guess. That was just the end of act one. Which means we're about due for a plot point. Maybe that's what Eli's got in his hand there. What form do you suppose it will take? Eli blows into the AV lab, Matthew in tow, and kicks everyone out. I guess he's the president of the AV club, going by the way everyone jumps when he calls them "minions." Eli makes a little exaggerated small talk with Matthew, who can barely hear him over the pinging of his own internal radar. Matthew sits down in a chair in front of a TV screen as Eli brandishes a videotape. He gives a little speech and pops it in. There's a close-up on the seconds ticking by on the VCR counter. Aw, how sweet of them to make me feel at home. On the screen, a couple of Caucasian guys do offensive imitations of Asian karate guys in white pajamas. A strawberry blonde in a kimono appears -- why, hey, it's Spawn again! Who'da thunk? She drops the robe, and finally -- we see her naked back. Oh, for God's sake. As Spawn's performance progresses, Matthew goes through the first two stages of Kübler-Ross right there in the chair, intercut with extreme close-ups of naked, G-rated bits of skin on the screen. And more of the VCR counter. Finally he bolts out of the lab, Eli close behind him. Matthew storms down the hall while Eli exhorts him not to mess it up: "Take her to a motel room and bang her like a beast." Okay Eli, he can take her to a motel room, or he can not mess it up. Eli even invokes Matthew's hero: "What would JFK do? You know he'd tap that ass." Matthew shakes off Eli, but as he walks out the school's front door past a huge crowd of students, Eli bursts out behind him: "Goddammit, Matt, I swear to God if you don't fuck her, I'll kill myself! Matt, please, please, Matt! Fuck her for me! For meeee!" It's a really good thing Deborah isn't seeing this.
Matthew drives home and finds Spawn in the living room with MattMom, looking at photo albums. "I just saw you naked," Spawn tells him impishly. Good thing Matt's such a cool character, or else those pants would be ruined. MattMom assures him he was only two days old in the picture in question. Matthew's all, "What are you doing here," and Spawn totally misses the vibe. She tips her head back and laughs at another picture, and Matt flashes into a High Fidelity vision of Spawn reenacting the restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally... to the accompaniment of some unsubtle wakka-chicka. Suddenly his dad pops up behind him, startling him out of his dream sequence. I just realized that MattDad played the lead on That's My Bush!, which explains his clueless grin. MattDad delivers a glass of milk to Spawn, who politely puts it down, unzips MattDad's pants, grabs his ass, and starts smoking that cock (as always, shown from behind) amid further wakka-chicka and disturbing paternal moans of "Who's your daddy?" Okay, we got it. Matthew's back to reality again. Spawn and the MattRents make some small talk, and as Matthew watches, Spawn undoes her vest, shows the tiniest flash of bra, and starts mauling MattMom while MattDad sits next to them complacently. And the wakka, she is again chicking. Matt freaks out and everyone stares at him. Did I mention that we get it?
Spawn follows Matthew into his bedroom, asking if he's okay. He says he's not feeling so well. She gently takes his hands and asks what she can do to make him feel better. Thanks for cueing the wakka-chicka again, Spawn. Matthew envisions her on top of an invisible partner on his bed, seen from the shoulders up, because this kid's imagination sucks. Also, I get it. I am grown heavy with getting it. Matthew snaps out of it and says he's feeling a lot better, and they confirm their plans to go out tonight.
After dark, Spawn and Matthew tool along in his Taurus station wagon while he flashes back to an earlier conversation with Eli, in which the latter takes a scene off from being Miles in Risky Business in order to be Mike Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Eli told him, "Tonight, be the man." Oh, great. "First off, act like you don't even like her." We see him do so, to her confusion. Great plan, abandoning what's worked up till now. Eli's second tip: "Get her drunk." Matthew produces a bottle of bourbon. Spawn's all, "You trying to get me drunk?" At least she's sharper here than she is on 24. Matthew's like, "Naw…I thought you liked to rock." Spawn reacts to this with appropriate disbelief. Eli's last dictum: "Always be touching her. That tells her that you came here to get down tonight." Matthew pulls the car over and gropes her head. If she's trying to suppress a laugh at what a loser he's being, she's not trying very hard. She asks him, "What are we doing?" As if he's just noticed, he points out a cheap motel close to where he's parked. "Maybe we should get a room," he ventures. Smoother and smoother, man. She's not laughing any more. "Okay," she says flatly.
He lets them into a motel room, babbling nervously while she goes right to the bed and takes off her jacket. They exchange "What are you thinking"s while he closes the zipper on his jacket instead of the proverbial deal. She takes off her top -- again with the bra underneath -- and asks matter-of-factly, "Do you want to fuck me?" She launches into what might pass for a seductive routine in a PG-13 movie. Which is even sadder because not only was this R in the theaters, I'm watching the unrated, "too hot for theaters" cut on DVD. Theaters must have a low heat tolerance these days. Matthew, not expecting his bluff to get called so brazenly, asks why she's doing this. "Isn't this what you wanted?" she asks. "To fuck a porn star in a cheap motel room?" Oops, busted. Again. Matthew looks miserable. Spawn says, "So this is what you think of me."
Then he's chasing her -- fully dressed again -- through the motel parking lot as she basically figures out what happened with him that day. Matthew wants to know why she didn't just tell him the truth, and she says, "Because I loved the way you looked at me." Like she's hot? Has it been that long? Doesn't everyone look at her that way? That's all we get, though, because she walks off, hurt and pissed. He just lets her march off into the night. Dude, you're driving. Must you pass up every chance to be a gentleman here?
The end. Oh, not really. Matt's back at school the next day, walking sadly through the halls. He spots a poster counting down the nine days until Samnang's arrival. Poor Matthew. He's lost Spawn, and now the only love he has is Samnang. Matthew goes back to hanging with his friends, and because it's been a good ten minutes since our last montage, we're overdue. He studies his speech cards, and we see that he's crossed out half the JFK "ask not" quote. Dude, the only thing worse than using that quote is using half of it. Then it doesn't even make sense. He looks out his classroom window as another delivery truck passes by. This one has failed to conjure Spawn. You suppose he misses her?
Later, she opens her front door and he's standing there with a whole speech and apology and excuses and how the only thing he cares about is Spawn, and she just stands there in her fishnet sleeves and lets him talk until a man's voice says, "It's a real nice place you got here, D." The remark comes from a veritable paragon of male skankiness who's suddenly standing behind Matthew in plaid pants, a wifebeater, a devil woman tattoo, three days' stubble, an appraising grin, his own heavy-metal soundtrack sting, and hair that's beyond bed-head. It's centrifuge-head. And in tonight's production of Risky Business, the part of Guido the Killer Pimp will be played by Timothy Olyphant. Spawn asks Matthew if they can talk about it later, which is fine with him since his balls crawled up into his chest the first time he got a look at Guido 2.0. Matthew books.
Out on the front walk, though, he hesitates and turns back. He hasn't gotten more than a couple of steps when the door opens and Guido 2.0 comes out, throwing Spike's red shirt on over his wifebeater and lighting up a smoke. He gives Matthew a sunny smile and expresses his approval at Matt's sentiments, gesturing warmly at his heart. He sits down and introduces himself as "Kelly." Matthew gives his own name and they shake hands. Awkward pause. The confusing nature of Matthew's relationship with Spawn is summed up for Guido 2.0 thusly: "We're kinda going out." Kelly pretends to look impressed. Spawn comes out the front door in a leather jacket and a crushed velvet beret. "Look at you," smarms Guido 2.0. "You are a forest fire." In the sense of being something that should have been prevented, maybe. They're on their way out for the evening, and Guido 2.0 invites Matthew along. Spawn would rather he didn't join them, but Matt's taking Guido 2.0 at his word: "Where're we going?"
Cue the boobies! Guido 2.0 has brought their little party to a strip club. No explanation of how Matthew was allowed in. As they make their way to a table, Spawn looks at him, concerned for his youthful innocence. He makes a "no big deal" face entirely for her benefit. They get to a table, and Spawn mentions to Guido 2.0 that Matt wants to be President. Can't wait for those debates. Guido 2.0 bonds with Matt all avuncular-like as we learn that he is Spawn's movie producer and ex-boyfriend. To nobody's surprise but Matt's. Guido 2.0 excuses himself to go scout talent. Matthew wants to talk to Spawn, but he isn't sure this is the place. "What's wrong with it?" she snaps, on the defensive. I guess she's still touchy about his attitudes toward sex-industry workers. She'll have to get over that if she wants to hang around. Guido 2.0 returns to the table and he and Matt bond some more, this time over cigars. Spawn, unimpressed, vanishes to the john. Guido 2.0 makes a few trenchant observations about Matthew's feelings for Spawn, remarking that he thinks Matthew might be more interested in someone his own age -- experience-wise. Matt's not sure what to say to that. Guido 2.0 assures him, "Don't worry. I'm-a take care of you." Guido 2.0 is totally cracking my shit up. Matthew manages to contain his glee. Just then, he spots his parents' friend, Mr. Peterson, across the bar. Unwisely, he points him out to Guido 2.0, who hollers out, "Hey! Peterson!" Matt turns away to hide his face. Timothy Olyphant is awesome in this. "Haven't seen your black ass in ages," he says to the middle-aged white guy. Peterson is confused until Guido 2.0 nudges Matthew sitting next to him. I think Peterson is, if possible, more embarrassed than Matthew now. Guido 2.0 suggests, "This is Mattie's first time. Why don't you buy him a dance?"
Cut to the most awkward moment in a movie made up almost entirely of awkward moments, as Matthew sits next to Peterson while both of them contend with writhing lapfuls of g-string-clad strippers. "What's that scholarship for again?" Peterson asks as his stripper makes several heroic attempts to put his eye out with her nipples. As Matthew's stripper grinds her ass against his groin, he answers -- wait for it -- "Moral fiber." Hardy har hard-on.
The next day in class, most of the students are sleeping through a circa-1974 sex-ed film. Klitz wants to know the story with Guido 2.0, but Eli is more interested in hearing about the strippers. I don't know how movie and TV characters are always getting away with whispering in class. Anyway, they turn their attention to bitching about the sex-ed film that was made before they were born. Eli claims he could make a better sex-ed film with his mom, and I don't believe that's a place any of us wants to go. Matthew in turn wonders why they don't update it. On the screen, the announcer talks about prom putting added pressure on teens to lose their virginity. Even back when they were still playing "Under Pressure" at proms. We see a young father turning down an invitation to hang with the guys due to having a baby. "Because of prom," he spits at the camera. Heh.
Matt and his guys are walking across campus. Hey, what's Guido 2.0 doing there? He's chatting up a few female students, who, oddly enough, didn't turn and run the other way at their first sight of him. He's talking to them about being "hot," and asking if they've ever been "photographed" and if they're "eighteen," and not a single alarm bell appears to be going off inside their heads until Guido 2.0 spots Matt walking toward them. "Do you guys know Mattie?" he asks the girls. "I hung with him last night. Guy's the tits." That's an expression we don't hear nearly enough of any more. As Matt, Eli, and Klitz join the little conversational grouping, Guido 2.0 cranks up the oily charm, going so far as to pretend he's pulling a baggie of weed out of Klitz's backpack. Now they all have the girls' attention. But Guido 2.0 is just playing for now. He leads the boys off to his shiny black vintage convertible and they all pile in as he says, "Always leave 'em wanting more." Just then a truck full of cool kids rolls by and picks up the girls. There's significant eye contact between the school alpha males and the guy who's invading their turf, but not much ever comes of it. Guido 2.0 talks about an idea he's having right that moment about shooting the students at a football game or at prom -- ahem -- "humpin'." "Where do I get these ideas?" he continues. "It's like a gift. It's like I can't control it." Then he turns to Matt and says, "So. What are we doin', man?"
With Matt in charge of the crazy times, he and Guido 2.0 end up at…the bank. Matt, slow down, man! You've got your whole life ahead of you. Plenty of time for out-of-control stunts later, okay? The teller, a middle-aged redhead named Jeannie, congratulates Matt on raising the $25,000 for Operation Get Samnang. They talk about his genius and how he taught himself calculus without using a textbook, which poor timing, Samnang, because a few centuries earlier he could have actually invented it. "Those crazy little fuckers," marvels Guido 2.0. "They sure do know their numbers." Matt lies and introduces Guido 2.0 as his student advisor. Why? Because anyone could ever look at that sketchball for one minute and think "student advisor"? Because he feels he has to make excuses for every person who accompanies him into a public place? Or because it sets something up for later? Hmmm. Guido 2.0 flirts with Jeannie and she responds in kind. Matt stalks off, pissed at this guy for stealing his movie right out from under him.
Later, at home, Matt sees Guido 2.0 and Spawn loading up her car to go to Vegas for an adult film convention. Spawn is all, "I don't belong here" and "this is what I am," and, like, whatever. If you're going to be in the industry, at least have a positive attitude about it. Otherwise you're just going to be miserable and end up a washed-up failure. That's the excuse I use for what happened to me, anyway. She and Guido 2.0 drive off.
Matt, Klitz, and Eli are sitting in a diner so they can all watch Matt beat himself up. "If I hadn't been such a dick and taken her to that motel room…" "Yeah, that was a little forward, don't you think?" Eli smirks. Prick. Klitz tells Matt the point is that Spawn has made her decision and there's nothing he can do. Matt, after an appropriate pause, disagrees.
Cut to the three of them in the car, making various excuses on their cell phones to their respective parents. Except Eli, who's behind the wheel saying, "God, I just wanna bang hot chicks." Way to blow their spot there, Eli.
Swingers isn't a teen movie, but we're stealing shamelessly from it anyway as they drive down the Strip, boggling at the lights. They end up downtown, at the Union Plaza. You know, I've stayed there twice and I've never seen a porn convention there. Once inside the hotel, the guys enter the convention area by passing through a giant, glowing, red tunnel that looks like the inside of a giant -- um -- girl part. They find themselves surrounded by sensory overload, although there aren't nearly as many naked boobies as one might expect. A plainclothes security guy grabs Eli, who's been pointing his video camera everywhere. Eli protests that he's not from the press; he's in high school. Why this doesn't get him thrown out just as quickly is a mystery, and they continue on their way.
Finally they spot a stage where Spawn is dancing and posing with a couple of colleagues. She's in full porn-star regalia, including a strawberry-blonde wig, more makeup than summer school, transparent pants, and the pseudonym Athena. She drops into slow motion as Matthew stares at her. You know, Matt, I'm sure that slow motion thing is a perfectly charming habit in the early stages of a relationship, but it's going to get annoying if the two of you are ever in a hurry to catch a plane or make it to a movie on time. Matthew ignores me and runs up to the stage, hollering love words at her over the din. Spawn loses her cool and abandons the stage to groans from the crowd. A different kind of groaning than that which was already going on, I mean. Matt chases after her and AAAAAH! MY EYES! He runs past a guy in a big, plush pig suit, and furries freak me out enough as it is, but this one is equipped with a gigantic, fuzzy, erect penis whose length is almost equal to the height of the suit. He looks like a huge, pink, obscene letter L. Someone had better rock me to sleep tonight. As Matt pursues Spawn, she's intercepted by oily Hey! It's That Guy James Remar in an Armani suit and matching bodyguards. Matt hangs back as she greets this gentleman as "Hugo," and the guy talks about how her place in the adult film industry is on top, with him. If this guy's such a porn big shot, he should know that they can't both be on top. Guido 2.0 appears out of nowhere, commenting, "Nice tan." "What do we say?" Hugo asks him. "Fuck you?" Guido 2.0 tries. Hugo takes his leave. Guido 2.0 finally spots Matt standing there and wants to know what he's doing. Matt has this whole speech about how he doesn't think Spawn wants to be there. Spawn intercedes, begging Matt to go home. And then she leaves. Guido 2.0 puts a commiserating arm around Matt and leads him off to a storage room. People keep putting their arms around Matthew, have you noticed that?
"What's up?" Matt asks cluelessly. "It's not cute anymore," Guido 2.0 fumes. Anymore? He warns Matt not to piss him off. Matt, still clueless, whines, "I thought we were friends." Guido 2.0 shoves him violently into a rack of trophies and spells out what we all realized twenty minutes ago: "Friends do not fuck with each other's business. And that's what this is. My business." Matt glares at him, and Guido 2.0 dares him, "What are you going to do?" Matt doesn't have an answer for that, so Guido 2.0 stomps off, saying, "Stay the fuck away from her."
Instead, Matt rejoins Eli and Klitz out on the convention floor, telling them he's got one more thing to do. He leads them into a back-room party, warning them to bolt if it gets bad. They don't know what he means, but soon they're sitting together on a couch. Klitz is drinking something blue out of a martini glass, and he says "Hi" to a passing actress, who just huffs dismissively as she walks by. A wounded Klitz turns to Eli and says, "Dude, am I ugly?" Maybe not inherently, but that haircut doesn't look any better on him than it does on Season-Three Spawn. Besides, he's in the wrong circle to be worried about his appearance. Look at Ron Jeremy. Or, better yet, don't. Eli tries to ignore Klitz's self-esteem crisis as a perky-in-more-ways-than-one actress plops down on the couch in front of them. "So, what do you guys do?" she chirps at them. "I get freaky," Klitz Austin Powerses. I guess he's back. Eli explains that they're directors, and the most gullible woman in the room asks if they'd ever want to "use" her. As Klitz pours on the "charm," a huge guy with shorts, a leather vest, and a bad attitude stomps into position behind them. Do I even need to say that this is the gullible actress's boyfriend, Mule?
Meanwhile, Matt sights Guido 2.0 and Spawn across the room, talking to a couple of other guys and making some kind of deal to shoot something tomorrow. Me, I hope.
Back at the couches, Mule is excitedly encouraging Eli and Klitz to "use" his girlfriend. "You wanna give her a throw?" he offers generously. Eli demurs, but Mule wants them to at least feel her tits. Klitz is happy to oblige, and everything is going great with his first grope. Then the security guy reappears, who sadly knows that they're in high school. This particular jig is up, and Eli and Klitz bolt from a suddenly enraged Mule. Eli flies over a railing, realizing too late that it's there for a reason, and he lands face-first in a tit-shaped cake. Cake face! Now that's comedy! Klitz reluctantly follows, then Mule lands between them with enough force to smash the table and knock himself out. Eli and Klitz, now well-frosted, find Matt and explain: "It got bad." They bolt. Matt will be right with them, but first he interposes himself into the group around Spawn and makes another little speech: "I just want to let you know I know who you really are and you're better than this." He slips a folded piece of paper into her hand. Also, judgmental much? Mission accomplished, he takes off.
At 6:30 the next morning, Matt's back in his bedroom, sitting at his desk and trying to make his eyes focus on the cards that contain his crap speech. There's a knock on the door. It's Spawn! She's back! She waves her car keys. "Need a ride to school?" she asks. Oh, my God, that is so fucking hot.
Outside the school, Spawn wants to know why Matt believes in her so much. Because you're pretty, Spawn. End of list. Matt says, "I don't know. Because I'm stupid?" That's a good theory too. I think I like that one better. The bell rings and they say their goodbyes. Matt takes off, then turns back to ask her something: "Will you go to prom with me?" Spawn, visibly moved, accepts. Whatever. Who else was he going to ask?
Matt studies his well-worn index cards in math class. Eli looks over and asks, "Is that your speech?" Matt says it is. Eli shows more class than he has this entire time by not telling Matt how bad his speech sucks. Tonight's the big night, so it's not like there's anything Matt can do about it now anyway. Eli and Klitz try to buck him up while he gets intimidated by the sight of the typed index cards in the hands of a kid a few desks ahead of him. It's the Head Math Club Madman, incidentally. Matt looks at the clock, and then out the narrow window of the classroom door, where a deeply pissed-off Guido 2.0 is glaring in at him. Uh-oh. Guido 2.0 charges into the room and makes straight for Matt as the other students Flintstone-car their desks out of his way to clear a path. "That fucking bitch can't just run away 'cause she don't want to fuck on film any more," he bellows. The teacher tries to intervene, but Guido 2.0 silences him with a finger-snap, a point, and a glare. He drags Matt out of the classroom, turning back at the last second to point a pair of warning fingers at the class and utter this chilling dictum: "Stay in school." Hee!
Outside, Matt explains about how he needs to be home by six. Guido 2.0 doesn't seem too impressed. They get to his car, Guido 2.0 barely pausing long enough to throw Jocks #1 through 3 off his hood before he and Matt are on their way. On the road, Guido 2.0 is all wounded: "I try to be your friend and what do you do? You fuck me." "I didn't fuck you," Matt protests. Well, no, this is only the unrated, "too hot for theaters" DVD cut of an R-rated movie. Guido 2.0 clarifies that Spawn didn't show up on set because of what Matt said to her, and now he's out thirty grand. Wow, porn films are cheap. "Guess who's paying me back?" he says. Matt doesn't have that kind of money, and neither do his parents. Hey, do you suppose the Operation Get Samnang fund is going to come up? Matt urges Guido 2.0 to "think outside of the box." Matthew, in a situation like this, it's generally wise to make the other person less inclined to kill you. He yammers on about a "payment plan," and Guido 2.0 drives onto an abandoned gravel road and kills the engine.
He turns to Matt: "You really care about her, huh?" Matt really does. Because she's pretty. Guido 2.0 explains that a "payment plan" will need to be backed by a gesture of good faith. Say, a blowjob. Matt doesn't think Spawn will go for it. "Who said anything about her?" Guido 2.0 answers. Uh-oh. "We're definitely outside the box now, huh? How far are you willing to go? How much do you really care about her?" This is all while he's slowly undoing his pants. Matt's frozen in place. Sadly, we never get an answer to Guido 2.0's questions, because he cracks up and admits he's joking. Imagine my shock. They have themselves a good laugh, but the mood abruptly changes again as Guido 2.0 punches Matthew in the face and rains a few more heavy blows on his head. I could keep rewinding and watching that all day. Guido 2.0 gets tired of it long before I do, however, and he stops after an all-too-brief interval. "You want to be President?" he pants. Dude, lay off the smokes; that "beating" lasted, like, five seconds. "Let me tell you the first rule of politics," he continues. Don't be married to an ex-porn star? No, it's "Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze." I don't know what that means; I just know it sounds kind of dirty. Fortunately, Guido 2.0 is here to explain it all: "It means you don't steal my girl unless you're ready to accept the consequences." He looks to see if his little lesson is sinking in, but Matt's too busy bleeding and cringing in his seat. A wave of contrition overtakes Guido 2.0, and he offers Matt an aspirin bottle and a sincere-sounding apology. Matt doesn't seem inclined to accept either one, but Guido 2.0 insists. He further explains that he's going to get out of the way, but Matt has to do something for him first.
They're walking slowly down the path, and Guido 2.0 gives us his backstory. It seems he and Hugo were partners back in the day, and then Hugo stole his idea and his girls and made millions of dollars. Guido 2.0 is donning a pair of black leather gloves as he explains this, and Matt notices spent shotgun shells littering the ground. That can't be good. What offends Guido 2.0 is the now-common perception that Hugo is the genius. "Look at me," he laments. "I'm fuckin' Garfunkel."
They creep through a hedge onto the well-kept grounds surrounding a mansion that is, presumably, Hugo's. Matt's having second thoughts about what they're about to do, not least of all because he has to be at the dinner where he's delivering his speech in an hour. Guido 2.0 is unsympathetic. "Sometimes, to do something good, you gotta do something bad." "But this is breaking and entering," Matt whines. "This is politics," says Guido 2.0. Can't argue with that.
They enter with minimal breaking and Guido 2.0 says, "After this, we're cool." They split up inside the house, then Guido 2.0 disappears back out the door, stripping off his gloves and humming jauntily.
Matt creeps through the house and freezes at an open doorway. Hugo appears to be sleeping inside the room, and his face is turned away, but the cigarette in the ashtray next to him hasn't been burning for very long. Meanwhile, Guido 2.0 dials his cell phone to report a robbery. Matt approaches the artifact the Guido 2.0 sent him in for: a foot-high golden cock situated on a pedestal. Aw, a cute little scale model! It's very Raiders of the Lost Ark, which is not a teen movie, although lots of teenagers have seen it. As Matt reaches for the Porn Oscar (and, I'm sorry, but this Hugo guy is supposed to be a genius and he's only got one of them? They were handing them out like candy in Boogie Nights), a parrot squawks. "Bang me!" The award appears to be for something called Chitty Chitty Gang Bang. That's so funny I can barely roll my eyes. "Cradle the balls," the parrot adds. Matt grabs the trophy, and suddenly Hugo is standing there in his thong, watching him. Most of the ass in this movie belongs to men, I'm noticing. Matt bolts, and Hugo sics his attack parrot on him. What? Of course it's an attack parrot. Matt flees his avian pursuer down the hallway and hits the back doors so hard they fall down from where they were just sort of leaning against the frame. Matt shakes the bird and makes it back to the road just in time to watch Guido 2.0 depart with a heartfelt one-finger salute. Matt chases the car, but a squad car with its siren blasting arrives and he dives over the embankment, golden cock still in hand. The cops pass him by as he dials his cell phone.
Somehow, Klitz and Eli manage to show up and extract him from the crime scene. He freaks out about the time, what with being a half hour late to his big dinner, then abruptly takes a sharp turn into the deeply weird and strokes Klitz's face. He doesn't use the Porn Oscar to do this, sadly. "I just feel so good," he says. This is why, whatever movie you're in, you should always take whatever drugs Timothy Olyphant offers you. They pull up to his house, and Spawn dashes out with an armload of clothes and shoes. She's carrying too much for us to enjoy the spectacle of her running the way we normally do. She instantly realizes that Matt's been drugged up by the way he waves at her through the car window, and by the fact that he suddenly has drug hair. Minutes later, she's getting him into his suit and tie in the backseat as Klitz tears down the road. Also, Joe Walsh and the James Gang are playing on the soundtrack, because Joe Walsh is the official music of drugs or something.
They arrive at the hall with Matt's hair moussed out all crazy-like and blood still crusted under his nose and on his forehead. Way to make him presentable, guys. He tries not to tweak too much as Spawn guides him towards the banquet room. "Just go with it," she tells him, because that's worked up till now. Everyone turns to stare at them when they enter, and he finds several ways to embarrass himself on the way to the table. And then there's a whole montage of embarrassment, which is a relief because I was starting to go through montage withdrawal. I won't go into details, because you get it and it's not funny. Well, it's a little funny, but not enough.
On to the speeches. A Hispanic girl gives her teary, bilingual address; the Math Club Madman with the typewritten index cards quotes JFK, and Matt lets out a huge guffaw, which puts a stop to the speech for a moment. I'd like to think he's laughing at the brazen clichéd-ness of using the quote, but we know better. Then it's Matt's turn. He gazes spacily at his index cards. "I'm not bilingual," he flounders, "and I certainly can't quote JFK, can I, Ryan." Dude, it was a bad idea before Ryan did it. Matthew now pulls the only oratorical trick that's more played than quoting JFK: he throws away his notes. The audience gasps as if they care. Matthew launches into his speech all unprepared, because it's not like he's ever done that before. I'm not going to transcribe the whole thing, but it's basically a lot of shit about how moral fiber is really finding someone you care about and fighting for her, and how the juice is worth the squeeze, and Spawn feels all special, and his whole, big, potentially life-changing speech lasts about a minute and when he's done he gets a standing ovation and oh my God please make it stop.
Skipping to the end of the ceremony, the emcee announces the winner: it's the Math Club Madman. Man, I would have thought that hackneyed JFK quote was a killer, but I guess I was wrong. The kid goes up to the stage to accept his big certificate marked SCHOLARSHIP and everyone applauds, including Matthew, who's flashing back to his earlier flashbacks about getting accepted to Georgetown and his Bright Leader award. It's a flashback to a flashback. It's a meta-flashback. The point being, Matthew's a big loser. And it's safe to say his buzz is killed.
Matthew goes to the bank to tell Jeannie he'd like to close the Samnang account since that worthy will be arriving on Monday. Jeannie cheerfully explains, "Your teacher came by yesterday and cleared out the account." 'Cause, you know, Matthew was there with Guido 2.0 the other day and introduced him as his student advisor for no fucking reason except so that we could have this even stupider scene right here. Cut to Guido 2.0 driving down the road, cackling around his golden-cock-sized cigar to the tune of "Sweet Home Alabama." Cut to Cambodia, where Samnang weeps over a letter from America, telling his mom, "That Matthew Kidman. He fucked me, Mom. He fucked me so bad." Don't take it personally, Samnang. Matthew's bad at everything.
Back to Matt at the bank counter, freaking out. Jeannie asks him what's wrong. What do you think is wrong, moron? You gave his twenty-five grand to a stranger. Do they not train people at this bank? Matthew asks her, "Didn't you ask for ID or anything?" Jeannie's still not getting it: "You said he was your student advisor." Jeannie finally twigs that something just might be up, and she turns away to get the manager, which sounds to me like an eminently good idea, but Matt calls her back and explains that Guido 2.0 is really not his student adviser. She's shocked and pissed, because she's stupid. Matthew tells her they need to keep it between the two of them, and even tries a little desperate flirting, which only offends her and sends her on her huffy way towards the manager's desk. Matthew intercepts her coming around the counter and lays it out for her: "This is your fault too…You didn't ask for ID, you didn't do anything. And I saw you flirting with him, too, all right? So unprofessional. You're going to lose your job over this." All of which is true, except that first "too," but she comes right back at him: "I am not getting fired over this." Oh, I guess she's safe then. Matthew backs off because he's an idiot, and tells her no one can know or he'll get expelled. "If that money isn't back by Monday, I wouldn't worry about getting expelled. I'd worry about going to jail." For saying some dude was someone he wasn't? You idiot bitch, on what possible level is any of this not your fault? I don't know why either of them thinks she has any power at all in this situation, but apparently they both do. Oh, fuck it. It drives the final act, so we have no choice but to follow Spawn's oft-repeated advice and go with it. Matthew tries to finish his freak-out in the bank lobby, but there's a guy at a desk with a sign that says BANK MANAGER on it right there, and he's staring at Matthew suspiciously. What the hell kind of financial institution is this? First the tellers drop $25,000 balances on people without asking for ID, and now the manager doesn't even get an office? Find a real bank, Matthew.
Matthew runs down the street in the dark and ends up in front of his house, imagining trying to start this conversation with his parents. Wait till his dad finds out he sunk the Porsche in Lake Michigan. Oops, wrong movie. But not by much, since the scene when a distraught Matthew appears at Spawn's doorway is a perfect match for the same scene at the same point in Risky Business, right down to the comforting hug.
Later, Spawn and Matthew have apparently come up with a plan, but we don't know what it is yet. He's reluctant to involve her, but she wants to do it. When he asks why, she just answers, "Moral fiber." Yeah, the great thing about moral fiber is that it flushes you out real good. Which must be why I keep having to run to the bathroom during this recap.
Later still, in Matt's bedroom, Eli says, "I'm in. Fuck film school. This is going to be my calling card." I'm starting to have an idea of what this plan might involve. But Klitz just says no. Eli leans on him with a speech about how the three of them are "a fucking tripod." I used to introduce myself to people that way, but Eli's got a different point: you kick one of them out, and the whole thing falls. Okay, that makes sense too. In any case, Klitz is in.
Spawn and Matthew meet Spawn's two costars from Vegas at the airport. How they got to the gate after 9/11, I don't know, but there they are. The other two porn stars are way too excited about the whole concept of baggage claim. I thought they were supposed to be all jaded and cynical? Whatever. I just think it's ever so nice of Matthew to enlist the help of Spawn's friends who aren't "better than this." Whatta guy.
Spawn and Matthew ring Hugo's doorbell, and he does us all a favor by putting on a robe before answering the door. The parrot's on his shoulder. Matt hands over the golden schlong, looking like he's going to miss it. Hugo inspects it critically, then invites them in. Cut to them shaking hands in Hugo's living room, having just agreed on something we weren't there to see. Whatever it is, if Matt pulls it off, Hugo will take care of "Little Samsung." That just keeps getting funnier.
The tux-wearing tripod arrives at Spawn's house, trailed by camcorder-wielding minions. Matt rings the doorbell, and Spawn answers in a perfectly nice red dress and a hairdo that unfortunately makes her head look kind of rectangular. Everyone is duly impressed. Spawn's co-porn-stars appear, looking all glittery in their gowns. Matthew introduces Eli and Klitz to their dates, April and Ferrari. It looks like someone stole the middle out of Ferrari's dress. Ferrari says, "Your name is Klitz?" as if she's thinking, "Why have I not heard of you?" "With a K," Klitz clarifies.
A few minutes later, the MattRents show up to get pictures and video of this important teen ritual, to find the moment already being captured by the AV club while Klitz wears a couple of porn stars over his tux. The MattRents don't seem entirely approving, and I don't blame them; Ferrari doesn't really match Klitz's boutonniere. MattMom asks Eli if "those girls go to your school." Eli's answer? "Ah, actually, no…They're porn stars." The MattRents chuckle. Oh, that Eli. He's such a card when he steals from Grosse Pointe Blank.
In the back of the limo, Klitz interrupts the awkward silence to observe that April looks really nice. Ferrari agrees. And then April and Ferrari start making out. I'm not making this up. Eli and Klitz drool while Matt looks at Spawn all, "Did you arrange this? 'Cause if so, hey, nice gesture."
They roll up to the school and make the kind of head-turning entrance one would expect when walking into the gym while equipped with three porn stars. The math teacher wants to know what the cameras are for, and Matt explains that it's for the yearbook. If that's true, this plan sucks. Also, I don't know why Matt feels the need to make excuses to a teacher who allowed him to get kidnapped clean out of his class the other day. Anyway. Eli makes his escape to "go set up" with Klitz and their dates, while Matt plans to approach the "actors" -- namely, the popular kids. He and Spawn have barely gotten themselves punch when Jocks #1-3 approach him first. They ask to talk to Matt, and Spawn excuses herself with a very long kiss. Matt sits back complacently in his chair, hands behind his head, and asks, "What's up?" Well, Matt, the jocks want to know if those girls are porn stars. "Yeah," Matt deadpans. The jocks nearly lose their tuxedo rental deposits on the spot. They want to meet Matt's dates. Matt leans forward for the kill: "How would you guys like to be in a movie?"
The next thing we see, Matt's leading Jocks #1-3 down a stairwell while instructing them to sign the release forms he's given them. They're paging through their scripts at the same time, and Jock #2 drops his release form on the floor. The little party arrives at the computer lab, where Klitz is guarding the door. Matt only allows in Jocks #1 and #3, telling #2, "Sorry, bro. The party's full." Revenge is sweet. Could be a little nuttier, though. Klitz lets them into the computer lab, where April and Ferrari are demurely naked and taking dopey direction from Eli. Hey, I think I'm starting to get a sense of what kind of movie they're working on here.
How's about a montage? Matt heads back to the prom proper and dances with Spawn while the film crew noisily hares through the halls, complete with a screaming director and two porn stars in their underwear. That won't attract attention. Jock #2 begs his way in. At the dance, the suspicious teacher approaches Matt with the release form he found on the hallway. Matt plays dumb quite convincingly. The teacher heads out to patrol the halls, and Matt looks nervous. Maybe he should get a message to Eli to tone down the screaming. In the school library, Jock #2 sits in a robe and stares at Ferrari and April as they limber up. Eli comes up to him: "You're strong, and firm, but you have a secret. Show that to me." Jock #2 looks at him blankly, then at the costume guy who unreels a pair of condom rolls and smiles at Jock #2. There's a man who enjoys his job. Back at the dance, Spawn thanks Matt. When he asks why, she says, "I never went to prom." Well, how'd you get here, then? Oh, she means before. She kisses his hand and they have a moment, which is interrupted by a worried AV minion.
Matt arrives at the library to discover that Jock #2 didn't work out. April is lying on a table looking bored and holding an empty condom, just in case we don't get what "He wasn't strong or firm" means. You mean to tell me that in the whole AV club, there's not one person who would volunteer to be the fluffer? Compounding the problem is the fact that no one else wants to be the guy in this key scene, without which Hugo won't buy the movie. Eli and Klitz start arguing about which of them is going to do it while Matt steps back, thinks about it, and announces he'll do it himself.
When we next see him, he's in that same robe, kicking off his boxers. He heads out to join the cast and crew, and takes his place next to April. Robe's off, and he lies down on his back. April bites open a condom wrapper and leans forward, and Eli calls "Action." Which is when the library door opens to reveal the math teacher. "What the hell is going on in here?" he demands. "Who is in charge of this?" No one else says a word. Everyone looks at Matt. What will he say? What will he do?
Nothing, because the movie's just fucking with you again. Matt's still in the dressing room in his robe. He tells his reflection, "Fuck it." As he's reaching for the door handle, he notices something on his hand: a lip print. Wow, Spawn was wearing a lot of lipstick. That hand looks like it belonged to Señor Wences. Matt looks at it and flashes back to a few scenes of Spawn looking pretty. He writhes on the horns of his ethical dilemma, waiting in vain for his hand to tell him, "S'all right."
When he comes back out into the library, he's back in the tux, saying he can't do it. Eli and Klitz ask him why, just as the library door opens. This time, it's just Spawn, who didn't bust him naked with another porn star. Looks like Matt made the right call. He's ready to abandon the project, but Klitz steps up, even though Matt says he doesn't have to. They ask Klitz why. You know why? Klitz will tell you why: "'Cause we're a fucking tripod."
Klitz waits in that robe which has gotten a lot of use this evening, sitting next to April, who turns to him and tells him he's cute. That's just what he needed. In the words of Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood, let's shoot this fucker. Eli calls action.
The gang leaves the prom. That "tight security" mentioned at the assembly managed to not catch them at anything. In the limo, they pop open a bottle of champagne, which sprays all over everything. I'm sure the driver will love that. The limo drops off Klitz and Eli with their dates. Are they staying at the boys' houses? Won't that make for some awkward breakfast table conversation with the parents? Alone at last, Matthew and Spawn settle back in the limo and she asks him -- again -- what's the craziest thing he's done lately. His answer is to start sucking on the bottom of her face. There is macking. She gets up on his lap facing him, and they stare at each other and make really weird faces while she bounces up and down slowly. I don't know what that's about. I guess we're supposed to think they're both coming of age. While helping the limo driver put the spilled champagne into perspective.
Matt walks up to his house as his cell phone rings. It's Eli, with the news that he can't find "the tape." They only shot one tape, with all those cameras? Oookay. Anyway, Eli is freaking right out over the realization that somebody stole the tape. Matthew enters his house, and his parents are sitting at the kitchen table, wanting to talk to him. So is the school principal. And so is Guido 2.0. He's wearing a suit and has sort of combed his hair, although the stubble remains. Hmm. This could be interesting. It won't, but it could be. The MattRents introduce Guido 2.0 as "Mr. Simon." Geddit? He's not Garfunkel no more. Of course, Guido 2.0 is holding an unlabeled videotape. MattDad invites Matt to join them at the table because "Mr. Simon has something very important to discuss with us." I wonder what he told them. Seriously, I really wonder that. Guido 2.0 would like to talk with Matt alone first, and the MattRents and the principal leave the room. "So how was prom?" Guido 2.0 asks. Matt just says of the tape, "That's mine." Guido 2.0 says he wasn't pissed any more until Matt stole his idea. We know how much he hates that. Guido 2.0 dares Matt to take the tape away, asking again, "What are you gonna do?" This is Matt's cue to reveal that Hugo's his partner. Guido 2.0 says that's fine; he'll just take Matt's half of the proceeds. Matthew refuses. He's got Samnang to think about, after all. Guido threatens to show his parents and principal the tape. Matt tells him to go ahead. Guido reminds Matt that calling somebody's bluff is only a good idea if the other person is actually bluffing, but Matt says he just doesn't care any more. Guido 2.0 puts on his best Eddie Haskell demeanor and calls the folks back into the living room. They take up positions around the TV and Guido 2.0 says, "Matthew, is there anything you want to say before we watch this?" Matthew just stands there and looks worried, so Guido 2.0 pops in the tape.
April and Ferrari appear on screen in front of a chalkboard, looking like they just stepped off the set of the "Hot for Teacher" video. They give a little introduction straight from the 1974 sex-ed video, intercut with footage from last night's prom, and Ferrari mentions that she lost her virginity at the senior prom. "When did you lose your virginity, April?" "Um, when I was ten." "Moving on…" April and Ferrari continue talking to the camera, and now we can see Jocks #1 and #2 just standing there in their tuxes. Guido 2.0 is all, "What the fuck is this shit?" On the screen, April and Ferrari continue, "You're not going to see sex. You're going to see sex education." They rip open their clothes to reveal the lingerie underneath. Titles appear on the screen: "The Eli Experience presents" and then "Adult Education: Sex Education in the 21st Century." Yes, Matt's genius plan was a sex-ed video with porn stars. MattMom says, "This is interesting, Matthew." She gives MattDad a significant look and he agrees volubly, trying to win over the principal. The principal thinks it's "atrocious," but maybe it's the only way to reach these kids today. You know how they are, with their hair and their clothes. The principal tells Matthew he just might have something. What he has is "Baba O'Riley" winding up on the soundtrack. MattMom tells Guido 2.0, "This could really sell, don't you think?" Guido 2.0 smiles as if he's just swallowed something bad. We still don't know who the MattRents think he is. MattDad asks Matthew how he came up with the idea. Matt's explanation: "It's like a gift, you know? It's like I can't control it." He says this while smirking at Guido 2.0, who smiles back at him as if Matthew just showed him a roll of Mentos.
Anyway, now we know what Eli and Klitz were doing with the porn stars all night, because this video, which was just shot the previous evening, has already been edited into a finished piece. I see what Eli meant by making this his calling card. If he was able to edit, score, and do post-production and titles on this thing overnight, he's not just a genius. He's a fucking time-traveler.
Shots of copies of the yearbook getting delivered to the school. Oh, can we have another montage, please? Thank you! Students remember things. Pages flip. Matthew voices over what he will always remember: "The three legs of the tripod." The Fucking Tripod celebrate in their graduation gowns.
Hugo Posh gets interviewed on a talk show about his part in the hottest-selling sex education video ever made, flanked by April and Ferrari. Matt's voice-over: "My business partner."
Guido 2.0 watches Hugo's interview, saying, "What an ass-bag." He unwraps a box of cigars, inside which is a note reading, "The juice was worth the squeeze." "Fuckin' kid," Guido 2.0 marvels. Matt's VO: "My student advisor." Guido claps his hands on a set, saying, "All right, people, let's make some fucky-fucky." I'll miss him most of all.
Back on the talk show, the host asks who Hugo's silent partner is, as if anyone ever cares. Hugo says his partner prefers to remain anonymous. Which is why he's driving a brand-new BMW Z4. Matthew meets Samnang at the airport amid much celebration and tells him, smiling, "You better cure cancer, kid." And then, in voice-over: "The next Einstein."
Eli takes questions from the audience at a film seminar. VO: "Eli's calling card." An audience member stand up and asks condescendingly, "Mr. Brooks, why did you decide to skip film school? Don't you think you're a little young?" Eli: "Shut the fuck up! Next question. Faster!" Hee.
A batch of students, including Klitz, gather in the student lounge to watch said calling card. On the screen, April announces she'll be showing how to put a condom on the real thing. The VO: "Klitz's big debut." Klitz appears on screen in robe and fencing mask. Because if a fencing mask goes off in the first act, it has to go back on in the third. Klitz drops the robe. Going by the crowd's reaction, Klitz is a Fucking Tripod all on his own. Klitz smiles to himself.
Matthew drives his Z4 through the gates of Georgetown. VO: "My own scholarship to Georgetown." He mingles among the students. "And of course, I'll never forget the girl next door." A delivery truck passes by, and there's Spawn, wearing a knit beret and leaning against her car the way she does. "As for me," the voice-over finishes, "I'm just going with it." He goes up to her and they kiss. And that's it. I think if this movie didn't repeat any lines, steal from other movies, or fuck with us, it would be about a minute and a half long. Maybe a minute flat without all the slow motion.