The Apprentice
Lessons learned: Women are mostly whores, especially if they're pretty, but if being a whore is actually your job, then that's respectable. Nothing's worse than a gay guy besides a black guy, so therefore black gay guys are the worst! Especially their penises. Their penises want you to be gay too. Two drugged-out Project Managers are worth five interesting people with opinions that signify, but only if they're blonde. Snoop Doggy Dogg has fizzled his credibizzle up the rectizzle. Watching white trash fall in love and shriek about it is the new watching smart people do good work and get rewarded for it. Asians are crafty. Jamaicans don't talk right. Jen, Derek, Heidi, and Kristine should have gone on Amazing Race, and/or should have their own TV show where they fight crime in revealing outfits. Boobs always sell more than non-boobs, unless you're selling big words, and then men will automatically sell more than women. A finale doesn't need to be a whole hour if all you're going to do is talk about nothing for fifty-five minutes, fire two people who were obviously never going to make it, and then make spooky hand gestures and weird mysterious remarks about a third, before declaring -- in a rare move -- a legitimate winner.
up: the Donald's back from cancellation with a Celebrity version, but it's going to have to be, like, Mary-Kate Olsen, the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, millionaire hottie Mark Cuban, Rosie O'Donnell, and the Wolfman in order for me to recap it. I'm writing that into my contract as we speak. TEAM WOLFMAN! -- Jacob
Battlestar Galactica
Man. So on Cylon-occupied New Caprica, things were not going well. The Resistance was using suicide bombers (bad), Starbuck was going serial killer amounts of crazy (bad), people were getting lined up and shot (very bad), and Apollo lost his trim figure (horrifying). The Admiral was all BFF with Sharon Agathon, making her the first commissioned Cylon officer of the Fleet (awesome), and then the Pegasus threw herself into a dogfight and everybody was saved and back on the run. Lest anybody crack a smile, however, Tigh murdered his wife for collaborating (way sad), touching off a whole slew of vigilante murders onboard Galactica (very awful). Starbuck and Tigh went crazier and crazier and tried to start a civil war. Meanwhile, Gaius Baltar was doing that without even trying, on the Cylon Basestar where he and Little Hera ended up at the end of the rescue. Between Gaius's threesomes with Caprica Six and D'Anna Three (awesome) and the Cylon-targeting Snow Crash virus (stultifying), he ended up pushing all three of them over the edge into starting their own tailor-made cult.
By The TWoP Staff
The Apprentice
Lessons learned: Women are mostly whores, especially if they're pretty, but if being a whore is actually your job, then that's respectable. Nothing's worse than a gay guy besides a black guy, so therefore black gay guys are the worst! Especially their penises. Their penises want you to be gay too. Two drugged-out Project Managers are worth five interesting people with opinions that signify, but only if they're blonde. Snoop Doggy Dogg has fizzled his credibizzle up the rectizzle. Watching white trash fall in love and shriek about it is the new watching smart people do good work and get rewarded for it. Asians are crafty. Jamaicans don't talk right. Jen, Derek, Heidi, and Kristine should have gone on Amazing Race, and/or should have their own TV show where they fight crime in revealing outfits. Boobs always sell more than non-boobs, unless you're selling big words, and then men will automatically sell more than women. A finale doesn't need to be a whole hour if all you're going to do is talk about nothing for fifty-five minutes, fire two people who were obviously never going to make it, and then make spooky hand gestures and weird mysterious remarks about a third, before declaring -- in a rare move -- a legitimate winner.
up: the Donald's back from cancellation with a Celebrity version, but it's going to have to be, like, Mary-Kate Olsen, the Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, millionaire hottie Mark Cuban, Rosie O'Donnell, and the Wolfman in order for me to recap it. I'm writing that into my contract as we speak. TEAM WOLFMAN! -- Jacob
Battlestar Galactica
Man. So on Cylon-occupied New Caprica, things were not going well. The Resistance was using suicide bombers (bad), Starbuck was going serial killer amounts of crazy (bad), people were getting lined up and shot (very bad), and Apollo lost his trim figure (horrifying). The Admiral was all BFF with Sharon Agathon, making her the first commissioned Cylon officer of the Fleet (awesome), and then the Pegasus threw herself into a dogfight and everybody was saved and back on the run. Lest anybody crack a smile, however, Tigh murdered his wife for collaborating (way sad), touching off a whole slew of vigilante murders onboard Galactica (very awful). Starbuck and Tigh went crazier and crazier and tried to start a civil war. Meanwhile, Gaius Baltar was doing that without even trying, on the Cylon Basestar where he and Little Hera ended up at the end of the rescue. Between Gaius's threesomes with Caprica Six and D'Anna Three (awesome) and the Cylon-targeting Snow Crash virus (stultifying), he ended up pushing all three of them over the edge into starting their own tailor-made cult.