Episode Report Card Alex Richmond: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ally's a Mom, John Is Gone
By Alex Richmond | Season 5 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.10.2002
Vonda's been doooown, she's been down down down. Oh, the kid has been added to the credits. Wonder how long that will last.
Ally's alarm goes off. Soon, the hateful strains of the theme to "Leave it to Beaver" get her wiggling and busy in the kitchen, where she makes pancakes, squeezes fresh juice, and milks a cow. Yes -- a cow, in her kitchen. Ha ha ha! Hats off to you, DEK, you clever goose. Ally goes to wake up Maddie, who is sleeping with her feet on the pillow and head by the footboard. Maddie is in no mood to go to school. Ally says school isn't optional. Maddie says, "Fine, you're a responsible mother. Have a cookie!" Heh. Kid screeches some more about how she's not going to school -- "Get it!" -- and Ally hallucinates Kid's face turning into some kind of H.R. Giger-esque faux-Alien hell-beast, with a touch of Beast from Beauty and the Beast, the TV series with Linda Hamilton. Ally tells Maddie to get her "pissy" self out of bed, "NOW," as Ally's voice takes on a possessed-by-Satan quality. Ally leaves Kid's purple room, counting to three as she does. God, I hate when people count to three.
Ally blows into "Just Fish" late, and Elaine pops up to say Richard wants a word with her. Ally asks that Elaine tell Richard Ally isn't there, since it's Kid's first day at school and Ally is freaking. OUT. Richard commandeers the conversation and tells Ally that John is gone. She asks if he's going to call the firm "Fish" now. No, he was thinking "Fish and McBeal." Her jaw drops, and a truck drives into the huge, gaping maw. She's shocked. Shocked. All she can ask is, "Now?" She doesn't even "want it." Richard is taken aback. "Now!" She lies down on his couch, then gets up to say "phonetically, it would sound better if it were McBeal and Fish." ["I think the word she's looking for is 'euphonically,' but certainly no one ever accused either Ally or her scripter of having a large vocabulary." -- Wing Chun] Richard says no way. Ally repeats "Fish and McBeal, Fish and McBeal" a few times.
"Fish and McBeal? He's making her partner?" This is Nelle, outraged, to Elaine, who's just repeated the news, no doubt to get a reaction. Nelle is steamed, but silent. Elaine asks Nelle to "share." Nelle just stomps off.
Corretta is questioning a witness -- yet another fired employee suing her boss, this time a lawyer -- who was fired because she has AIDS. Ray, representing the employer, asks if she ever discussed her HIV status (she's been positive for three years) with her employers. No, she hadn't. And how long does she have to live? Corretta objects; Albert Hall says this is a "public forum," and allows the question. Uh, wouldn't Ray have to determine the relevance of the question? If the life expectancy of an employee is the issue, instead of the disease, wouldn't women then have a leg up on men, since we live longer? What about the fact that any of us can go at any time, and many fatally ill people live longer than their doctors or statistics predict...oh, forget it. The plaintiff has just become "symptomatic," and her doctor has said she has "two years" left to live. Ray looks down, the music is sad, and...scene.
The miniature pit bull terriers are SO CUTE. They've won in the Garden three times! Oh, aerial shot of Boston, woo! Ally is in class with Kid, peppering the teacher with questions about the reading list. Why is Ally in the classroom? She's wasting class time and disrupting the learning environment. Teacher, make her turn her desk to the wall and put her giant lollipop head down. I saw Ally with gum! Ally says she doesn't want Maddie to read the novelization of Annie because "it disparages orphans." Not to mention makes people start singing that the sun will come out, tomorrow. And betting their bottom dollar that tomorrow, they'll be sun. Why, just thinking about. Tomorrow. I'll stop. A boy sitting next to Kid jerks a thumb at her and says she "looks like Goldilocks." Ally's hand flies into the air and she alerts teacher that the "chunky kid insulted" her "daughter," and she's concerned about Maddie making friends, and the "fat kid" looks nasty to her, and "prejudice comes in smooth reads, because bigots cannot spell." Maddie is mortified. Me, I saw the ads for the episode, and was expecting this.