Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ding Dong, Mrs. Dixon's Dead
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 19 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Mama Hari Lite's Den Of Delights. Jack enters Spy Wife's cell, and she demands to see her son. Jack, in Russian, says, "There's a slight trace of Ukrainian in your voice." Spy Wife responds, also in Russian, "That's where my parents were from, but I've never been there." And yes, both of their accents are absolutely deplorable, but it's so cool watching Victor Garber speak a foreign language that I really could give a shit. Jack continues grilling Spy Wife in Russian. Finally, she's like, okay, ENOUGH with the Russian bullying, dude. My family's all that matters to me. Jack's like, yeah, would that be the family you MANUFACTURED in order to steal classified information? "You don't know anything about me," Spy Wife snaps. "You couldn't BE more wrong," volleys Jack. Spy Wife's like, wait a minute. You're Syd's dad, right? Irina Derevko's husband? Wow. You have issues, dude. Jack's like, oh, you don't know the HALF of it, sweetheart. I'm an expert on chicks like you, okay? It started as a job, right? A duty to your country. And it TOTALLY didn't bother you that you had to WHORE YOURSELF OUT LIKE COMMON TRASH.
Spy Wife starts slowly breaking down as Jack starts really putting the screws to her. "It was a small price to pay for servicing the motherland," he sneers. "At first everything went as planned. Then, surely an accident, you got pregnant. You considered terminating the pregnancy but, selfishly, you didn't. You hoped, somehow, that becoming a mother would redeem you, would absolve your guilt." That's it for Spy Wife. "You're WRONG!" she shouts. "But you continued to lie and deceive both your husband and your son!" he snaps. "I am NOT Irina Derevko!" she spits, crying a bit more. "I PROBABLY CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR SON THAN YOU DO!" grits Jack. Dayum. That's cold. "That is NOT true!" she counters. "If I have my way," he chills at her, "you're never going to see your son again. "Don't you DARE take my son away from me!" she shrieks, totally hysterical now. "Don't you take my son away!" Then she completely loses it and starts sobbing as she lowers her head. Jack is at a complete and total loss. He just stands there, his composure disheveled, and his expression one of, "Huh. Okay. I think I may need to reevaluate this one. Yeah. I think I'll just go pay a visit to my good old friend Jim Beam and ponder this for a day or ten..." The whole scene rocks my world, though. Both Middendorf and Garber are tremendous throughout the entire thing.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Oops Center, Agent Sean's cell rings; it's Syd on the other end. She asks him to toss the phone to Vaughn, which he does. By the way, Michael Vartan in an oxford shirt with the sleeves rolled up? Yeah. About nine thousand degrees of yummers. Syd tells her boyfriend that she's located Slater, and he's in some building in Spain. Vaughn's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Your dad's convinced that you're about to walk into a trap, and I'm not convinced he's wrong. Oh, and I'm supposed to convince you to come home. Syd's all, sure, I'll come home. Vaughn's like, wow, that was easy. Syd's like, yeah, I'll come home. WHEN I HAVE SLATER IN MY BACK POCKET.
Vaughn's all, okay, then. I'm coming with you. Syd's all, oh, honey, that's sweet. But really, I can handle this whole "kidnapping Slater from his kidnappers" thing on my own. Just sit over there and look precious, okay? Vaughn's all, well, I can look precious in Spain, you know. Meet me in the alley behind the Gandra Hotel. Agent Sean just shakes his head at his platonic so-not-gay boyfriend. "Jack is gonna shoot you in the face," he snarks. Hee. Vaughn's all, yeah, whatever, you girl. Just gimme a half-hour head start. "If we wind up sharing a cell in federal prison," says Agent Sean, keeping with the snark, "I'm not giving you a drawer." Oh, Agent Sean. You're so naïve. You won't be "giving" Vaughn anything unless it’s the business end of your Wee Willy Wonka over there.