Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ding Dong, Mrs. Dixon's Dead
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 19 | Aired on 03.29.2003
Agent Sean's like, so, what was that all about? She wanna give you another drawer or something? Vaughn's all, no, Mildred Pierce, but thanks for asking. Actually, she said something about wanting to hang a picture near my coat rack. Agent Sean's all, yeah? So? You get a drawer AND a picture by your coat rack. Big fucking deal. Vaughn's all, yeah, well, she's never been to my place. I don't HAVE a coat rack. Okay. Um. That's just fucking stupid. They've been sleeping together for several months and Syd's NEVER been to his apartment? What, she can't look up directions to his place on Mapquest and, like, make a surprise visit? As a plot device, this whole "never been to my apartment" thing is completely lame.
Vaughn and Agent Sean go to work on Syd's message, convinced it's some kind of code. Well, duh. Back at Rite-Aid, Syd pays for her basket of disguise, hears the sorority girls giggling nearby, and asks the clerk where the bathroom is. Instead of telling her that they no havey the public restroomy, the guy obviously points her toward the facilities because the next thing we see is Syd, changing into her makeshift disguise as "Cannonball" by The Breeders slams across the soundtrack. Oh, and the bathroom? Appears to be a rather large STORAGE ROOM. And Syd seems to have access to EVERYTHING IN IT.
The disguise complete, Syd saunters out of The Storage Room Of Clever Camouflage and bellies up to the sorority sisters over in aisle five. Syd makes some cosmetic small talk with them and then, in her hilarious West Virginia accent, gets herself invited to some lunch exchange. The girls exit the Rite-Aid, and fortunately for Syd, the various flipped-wing Farrah-style hairdos conveniently conceal Syd from the CIA dudes.
Back at Oops Center, Itchy and Scratchy finally decipher Syd's message. Looks like Syd's going to Russia. Wow. They got that from a message about a photo hanging near a nonexistent coat rack in an apartment he's NEVER INVITED HIS GIRLFRIEND TO? These boys are whipsmart, let me tell you.
After the break, Vaughn walks across Oops Center and makes it over to Jack, saying, "You wanted to see me?" Jack's all, yeah, Syd obviously knew I was listening in on your little phone conversation. She also obviously knew that by the time I decoded her little anagram, she'd be halfway to Russia. Um. Well, considering that it took Vaughn all of two seconds to decode her relatively simple message, I'd say Syd would only be about halfway to LAX, but whatever, dude. Jack's like, I'm gonna assume you were going to report her little Russian jaunt to me, and in the near future, when Syd contacts you, I trust you'll be coming straight to me with her whereabouts, right? RIGHT? Vaughn's all, uh, yeah. Sure. Excuse me while I scratch my many forehead wrinkles with my middle finger in a passive-aggressive attempt to let you know that I think you're a dick. He blathers something at Jack about how, if he'd known what Syd was up to, he totally would have gone to Jack with that info immediately; now that she's gone, there's nothing they can do about it. "She's got forty hours to find [Slater]," he says. "So why not support her? Give her backup?" The bristles on the back of Jack's neck rise. "If it's not obvious to you by now," he spits, "everything I do is in the service of protecting Sydney. For all we know, [Spy Wife's] working with Sloane. For all we know, she was a conspirator in her husband's abduction which means Sydney could be walking into a trap."