Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it.
By Demian | Season 1 | Episode 8 | Aired on 11.24.1998
Opening travelogue. A song I vaguely recognize about "murder in this town" escorts us over to Halliwell Manor, where the Glamorous Ladies go about their individual morning routines in the kitchen. For Piper and Prue, this involves coffee and the newspaper. For the Feebs, it involves mixing three different kinds of pre-sweetened cereal into a single bowl, like, gross. The boxes are prop department mock-ups of fake brands, but they're close enough to Cap'n Crunch, Corn Pops, and Alpha Bits to nauseate me. Can you imagine mixing those three in the same damn bowl? Like I needed another reason to hate Phoebe. Prue pauses as she flicks open the front section of the paper to confirm that her coffee is "leaded." "Always is," Piper vows. Liar. And look at that -- her own elbow betrays her as it biffs into the fake Cap'n Crunch, sending the box toppling. Piper immediately panics and freezes the wayward cereal, then shoves the kitchen garbage bin over so the box and its contents drop into the trash. Why didn't she just tip it back upright onto the counter? Whatever. I don't have time to wonder about such things, for I hear the Dolt approaching. He doofs his way into the kitchen to tell them his work on the staircase shouldn't take more than a couple of days. Piper and Phoebe both smile flirtatiously and scramble over each other to fetch him some coffee. The Dolt grins and dolts out of the kitchen. Jackass. Prue's eye-roll is audible. "Whin are you two going to stop fighting over him and grow up?" "When Phoebe realizes she doesn't have a chance with him," Piper sneers, snatching a coffee cup from Phoebe's claws. Phoebe airily notes that she has an innocent to protect, so there will be a temporary truce in the battle for the Dolt. Piper glowers at her and sails out of the room with the Dolt's coffee.
Prue takes a moment to stare at Phoebe, then calls her on her crap thusly: "You know you're only into him because Piper is." "That's so not true," Phoebe smarms. "I'm wounded!" Not as wounded as you're going to be after I thwack you in the face with a claw hammer, you sugar-scarfing hag. Oh, leave me alone. You knew I couldn't let that one pass without a comment. Phoebe sets her foul mixture of breakfast cereals on the table and asks if the paper mentions Mitchell's murder. Prue scans the article, but there's not much information to be had. Phoebe proposes that Prue head over to Andy's House Of Beef to see if the good detective has any leads. Prue shoots this cunning plan down immediately, reminding Phoebe that Andy called it quits on their relationship a mere week ago, so he's not likely to reveal police secrets to her any time soon. Phoebe gets shrill, whining once more about that manky-haired woman from her premonition. After a bit of back-and-forth yowling, the ladies agree that Prue will research the premonition woman's manner of death in the Book of Shadows while Phoebe herself will annoy Andy with prying questions.