Episode Report Card Jessica: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Day Out Of Days
By Jessica | Season 6 | Episode 11 | Aired on 01.14.2003
Thursday marks the return of Jack Osbourne. See, he and Audrey are all hanging out and partying at the beach. They've been partying. Partying! They don't even know what day it is! Because they like to party! Yeah! Par-tay! They're, like, rock stars! Jack wonders if Audrey's friend is coming to pick them up, or what? He suggests taking a cab home, but Audrey reminds him that they have no cash. She's broke, she tells him. Jack snorts that Audrey must be paying way too much money for her drugs. "Contrary to popular belief, I am not on drugs," Audrey protests too much. Jack rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right," he says. "You know, I hate to be judgmental like your weird college friends, but just don't rip my lungs out when you get some bad PCP." Audrey shushes him; Dawson is there to pick up their sorry asses. She promises Jack that she'll sit on his lap all the way home if he keeps his mouth shut about the drugs. Jack agrees, and goes to wait in the car. "Hey, Jack," Dawson offers offhandedly. "Hey," Jack says. Hee. For some reason, that moment really amused me. I don't know. "You came," Audrey tells him. "You called," Dawson retorts. I just thought of this: are they going to hook up at some point? Because -- and I can't believe I'm actually about to say this -- I think Dawson is too good for Audrey. I know. Please don't fire me, Sars. ["Between the assassination they've carried out on Audrey's character and the rehabilitation they've performed on Dawson's, I have to agree with you. What's the world coming to?" -- Sars] Anyhoo, Dawson and Audrey trudge across the sand and chat, Audrey explaining that she and Jack met these guys in a parking lot on Sunset and, you know, yadda yadda yadda, they ended up at this weird party. And she realized that he was probably the only person she knew in Los Angeles who would pick her up and who was actually already awake. Dawson gets her to admit that her parents don't even know school is back in session. Audrey tells him that she's not ready to go back and "face the Grand Tribunal of Judgement." But she promises that she's going to be in good form from now on. "So don't be madder than you already are," she pleads. Dawson just looks concerned and wonders if she's aware of how dumb it is to get into a car full of strangers. Audrey says nothing.
Back in Boston, Joey calls the still AWOL Oliver, getting his voicemail. She's pretty concerned and leaves a slightly panicked message, saying that "it's not like him" not to call her back. Because what if something happened to him and she wouldn't know because no one would tell her because she's not important enough for anyone to tell her if something horrible happened to him but even though she knows that she's really not an important person or even deserving of love at all because, after all, look at all the people who've left her, it's like, everyone, in spite of all that, she'd really like him to call her back as soon as humanly possible. Please! She hangs up the phone and looks thoughtful, then walks over to sit with Jack and TGED, who are having burgers and soda in a cozy corner of Liberty Hell's Kitchen. She buries her head in her hands. "Any luck this time?" Jack asks. "When have I ever been lucky with men?" Joey groans. Jack and TGED exchange looks and fall over each other to tell her that Oliver will absolutely call her back. Joey stares at the floor, and the boys give each other a look that clearly says, "He is so never going to call her." Joey asks plaintively if they can pay the check so she can go home, and the boys ante up and hand her the cash. "Keep the change," Jack says, and shoots TGED another look as she walks away. TGED raises his brows and says that there's nothing more depressing than watching someone wait for a call they're never going to get. Jack disagrees. "There's orphans. Sick orphans," he says, then points out that maybe Oliver will call after all. TGED asks how many people Jack has hooked up with and then "ruthlessly never called." Jack looks guilty. "A few," he says, then admits that he "went out a lot this summer" and he didn't call a few of the guys back. Yes, the glorious summer! When Jack can have sex and Kerr Smith doesn't have to kiss any boys! TGED nods as Jack says that sometimes, you think you're going to like someone… "And after closer examination, you don't?" TGED finishes. Jack nods. "But only after closer examination?" TGED asks. I think "closer examination" is a euphemism for "hot gay sex." Jack looks at him carefully. "Am I getting some kind of lecture here, or what?" he asks. "Do you want one?" TGED asks calmly. Jack takes a bite from his burger and announces that he really does not. "Fine," TGED says. "Fine," Jack parrots. They sip their sodas in irritated silence. Oh, Jack! TGED is so cute and mature and charming and funny! Please don't screw this one up!