Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Cry, The Beloved Country: They Haven't Left Yet!
By Stee | Season 9 | Episode 14 | Aired on 09.17.2000
The Graphic of Stupid reads, "Scoping out the competition," as Theo sits on top the short bus -- probably as punishment for his stupidity. (The B/M cameraman who got caught in the shot is next on the Seat of Shame, but we don't get to see that.) The kids get into two short busses with Ade driving the Real World kids. David talks to his enemies -- I mean, housemates -- about how the Road Rules kids have been "training," which makes the RW's seven-to-six number advantage moot. Julie says that they have the mental advantage. "How the hell we got the mental thang?" David asks. "Because...we do," replies Julie, floundering. David and FrankenJamie promptly mimic her. It's pretty funny that David assumes our kids have been "training." I don't know how many Olympic athletes would suggest the following as a particularly effective way to get in shape: walking across a beam; handing out serio-comic questionnaires; bobsledding; babysitting; breaking and entering; flying a short plane; runnin' from the law; puking off a boat; monster truck driving; synchronized swimming against a group of whores; sitting in a shark cage, and bungee-jumping with Mommy. Yup, the kids are finely honed machines after that brutal regimen. Quick shot of the other short bus, where Msaada says that the Real World kids are "pretty cool." Back to RW, where someone says something about a hangover. RR: Apropos of who knows what, Theo tells Msaada that she's the "sense of humor cop." James tells someone, "Yeah, dude. And you're the lighthouse that identifies all the evil, dude." And James, you're like the dipshit frat guy that, like, mixes all your metaphors, dude. Oh man, and judging from the clothing, I think that this is the trip during which much of the fighting from the first Africa episode was culled. Seriously, Angela fucking Lansbury couldn't piece together the constant puzzle that is the Road Rules chronology and continuity conundrum. Bad Editing, She Wrote. RW: David says that while the other kids have been Great White Shark diving, they've just come off "[beep]-watching and booze." Well, David must have gotten at least as good a workout when he sang the national anthem for the three hundred hockey fans, with all his twitching and hand gesturing, as the Road Rules kids have gotten from any mission. So after the RW kids talk about how they always come together when they really need to -- (Yeah, like when they produce that train wreck of a public-access show each week. Having, like, the best public-access show on the dial would be sad enough. But it's truly pathetic when fellow public-access shows like, Gay Bill and His Tarot Cards, Me and My Hung-Over Friends Make Football Predictions, and Four Hours of Silent Footage From Last Sunday's Farmer's Market kick your ass in the ratings.) -- the Road Rules kids start fighting. Laterrian says something about coming together and thinking positively, and Holly tells him that speeches are not going to help. L.T. then says something that gets totally beeped-out, but Holly hates beeps so she flips him off. Whatever L.T. says makes Msaada cringe and Holly, who is now driving even though Kathryn was a second ago, whips around and says, "That was not [beep] coming at me with a joke, Laterrian [white girl head shimmy]. You already know how much that pisses me off, so don't [beep] do it. Msaada then once again sets up the painfully obvious: No one on their team is getting along. Got it.
The two short busses arrive at a big dry field where Ade says, "Everybody get your things and let's come together. In this place of tribal war we don't give money or a medal. But our presentation to you is a goat." Theo mockingly asks, "So if I win, I get a goat?" Ade nods and Theo thinks back to puberty; farm animals will always hold a special place in his heart. ExpositionMsaada says that whoever has the most goats wins the competition. So basically, B/M is doing its damnedest to insult Ade and his people by putting in this bullshit goat thing which means just as little as the coins. B/M is trying solely to be cute. I wish Ade would flog Bunim with his traditional horsehair brush and then run over Murray with the traditional short bus. Ade tells the kids that they have to dress in "Africa Mode." That they have to look like real warriors. Ade then directs the two teams to their separate huts, where they can further insult his culture. Theo drops trou in the hut, and we get a pixellated shot of his ass. In the other hut, Melissa tells everyone to dress her, that she doesn't care about being naked. No?! Graphic of Stupid reads, "Tribal Warfare," as typical shitty B/M music comes on, trying to highlight the...something of this scene. Tension. Competition. Suckness...something. Shots of traditional beads and loincloths and make-up laid out for the kids. They dress each other in a type of homoerotic display not seen since...I was going to say Young Americans, but I guess last week on this very show would be more accurate. Theo tries to make us interested in the competition. Doesn't work. Melissa tells the camera about the competition -- since we forgot in the last two seconds -- and goes on to say that she'll "eat the damn goat" she's so hungry. Theo has other plans for it first, Melissa.