Episode Report Card Jessica: C+ | 1 USERS: B YOU GRADE IT After Hours
By Jessica | Season 5 | Episode 21 | Aired on 04.30.2002
Cut to Liberty Hell and Audrey's Rapid Descent Into Pain-In-The-Assosity. She's flailing her arms all around the kitchen, as Pacey gives her the good news that she's got her job back. Audrey emits a series of high-pitched squeaks and squeals, which I can barely translate, but it has something to do with Audrey not thinking Alex is quite on the up-and-up. Pacey chops stuff and calmly opines that Audrey may have misjudged Alex, and he got her job back for her, so why isn't she happy? "I think she wants you," Audrey declares. "I've seen the way she looks at you. This woman would only be nice to you if it served her." Can I get a show of hands of people who care? Hi? Hello? Anyone? I didn't think so. I don't care if Pacey stays with Audrey. I don't care if he hooks up with Alex. I don't care if he leaves Boston, moves to Washington D.C., joins the FBI, is partnered with Special Agent Dennis/Denise Bryson, is assigned to investigate the mysterious disappearance of Special Agent Dale Cooper and THEN hooks up with Sherilyn Fenn in the guise of Audrey Horne, who convinces him to live in Twin Peaks for the rest of his life and act as the head chef at the Double-R Diner. As long as that show replaces this one in the WB's Wednesday night line-up.
While I was trying to decide what to name said spin-off, Audrey says something about someone's "boobs," and the next thing you know she's taking Pacey's pulse while peppering him with questions about the nature of his relationship with Alex. Was Audrey always this hysterical? I don't mean "hysterical" as in "funny," either. I mean "hysterical" as in "shut up." The way this is going, I wouldn't be surprised if she hauled a lie detector into the kitchen and hooked Pacey up. Which reminds me of one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes, the one where Jerry denies to his cop girlfriend that he watches Melrose Place and she submits him to a lie detector, and he just totally loses his shit, and that all just makes me think that this particular Alex/Audrey/Pacey plot would be a lot more interesting if Sherilyn Fenn would just go balls-out Amanda Woodward on us, all walking around in miniskirts and flinging people down on tables and buying and selling her own family members to get ahead. "Your pulse is racing!" Audrey squeals, interpreting this to mean that Pacey's been lying to her. Pacey quite rightly points out that his pulse is racing because she has "[her] fingers on [his] jugular and [he's] afraid of dying!"