Episode Report Card Couch Baron: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT King Me, Asshole!
By Couch Baron | Season 1 | Episode 8 | Aired on 08.24.1997
Ross sits, watching two guys play checkers, when Schillinger makes his grand reentrance. He asks where Beecher is, but Ross tells him he's still in the Hole. Speaking of, we see an overhead shot of Beecher sitting on the floor of the Hole. There's something white in the bucket, and I don't even want to know what it could be. McManus enters with some clothes, and tells Beecher to get up, which he does with the query, "Do you want to touch my dick?" And there's another party I've been to. Ah, memories. McManus declines the offer. And here is my favorite exchange of the episode:
Beecher: I shit all over a man.
McManus: I know.
Beecher: That's not normal.
McManus: No.
It's all in Terry Kinney's delivery, people. We get a blink-and-you'll-miss-it dick shot as McManus tells Beecher that Schillinger's back in Em City. He says that Schillinger promised not to harm him, and asks Beecher for a reciprocal pledge. Beecher, after listing all the atrocities Schillinger has visited upon him, insincerely agrees. Well, those two are going to be braiding each other's metaphorical hair, don't you think?
Beecher is making his bed when Ryan enters, greeting Beecher with an expository "roomie," and asks how crazy Beecher is. Dude, you were there at the end of "Plan B." Several Aryans appear and stare threateningly at Beecher through the glass, but soon walk off, possibly having heard that Beecher's feces taste even worse than the slop they're served every day. Ryan tries to put a friendly? sexy? arm around Beecher, but Beecher rebuffs him. Oh, so he really is crazy. Ryan delicately tells Beecher that a Muslim riot is imminent, and that he may need Beecher, sanity optional. Beecher asks for what. Ryan: "Be my brother." Swoon. Beecher looks like he's about to assent, but Schillinger and Ross walk by at that moment. Beecher imitates the patented Said storm-out and yells after Schillinger, calling him an "asswipe." Adebisi repeats it, and it's just too funny. Ross tells Schillinger that he'd better kill Beecher, or his street cred is going to go the way of the term "street cred." Schillinger says he doesn't care, and walks off.
Hill blahs about game faces. Ross lies down on his bunk, then looks under his pillow and finds a carton of cigarettes. I don't even want to know which fairy brought that. Quick blue-filtered flashback to Ross making his arrangement with Diane, and then in the present, he smarmily looks at her and winks. God, how I hate him. He's managed to get even less goodwill from me than McManus, and if you don't know how tall an order that is, you really haven't been reading my recaps, have you? Shame on you. Give yourself a smack and go sit in the corner. Speaking of McManus, we see him talking to Diane, and he does not look pleased. He ushers her into his office, and tells her there's a rumor that she's bringing contraband into Em City. She flatly lies about it, which is a rather important bit of character development given the revelation at the end of the next season's premiere. McManus tells her that he has an eyewitness, and she asks who it is. McManus: "Me." Diane, you're busted like a shoddy Firestone tire. She asks if she's fired; he rather generously tells her no, but she's got to put an end to it. She agrees. McManus, as usual thinking that what this moment needs is a little self-righteousness, tells her that she should have told him about her history with Ross. She contritely agrees, but he asks her if she slept with Ross. "I'm just trying to figure out if you fucked us both." Well, I can't think of two people who deserve it more, at least in the figurative sense. Diane quits on the spot, but McManus apologizes, she forgives him, and the scene ends right before the urge to roll a pizza cutter over my face becomes irresistible.