Episode Report Card Sara M: C | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It is Finished
By Sara M | Season 18 | Episode 13 | Aired on 05.14.2009
I'm A Douche
by Douche
With friend and foe we march to the battle plain.
Some to seek success, others to seek fame.
We play with honor, for the love of this game,
and with armor or without, we will toil in vain.
So that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name.
Whatever. While Douche recites, we get an amazing shot of Brendan and Sierra, who have fallen asleep. Probst can't wait for it to be over even though he knows this is fucking reality TV gold. As soon as Douche finishes, it's time to vote for reals.
J.T. votes for Erinn to ensure that he'll get Douche's vote at the end. Erinn votes for Douche: "dragon slayed," she says. Great. Taj hilariously writes Douche's name as large as possible on her piece of paper. Douche votes for Erinn, surprisingly gracious (yet still, of course, condescending) in saying that she did a good job staying in the game this long. We don't see who Stephen votes for.
Probst grabs the urn and says tonight is the last night to play the hidden idol. Taj ... does not play it. Wow. That's either awesome or really stupid. That means we had an entire season with no tribe switches or hidden idols. Kind of like the first season all over again, but about 5% as interesting. Probst reads the votes. One for Douche. One for Erinn. J.T. has a huge bug crawling on his shoulder. Two for Erinn. Two for Douche, who looks angry even though we know he knew this would probably be coming. The jury wakes up. And the last vote ... IS FOR DOUCHE!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
YES
YES
YESYESYESGOAWAY
I wrote a poem. It's a haiku, in honor of the ancient Samurai:
You Are A Douche
by Sara M
A HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA DIIIIEEEEEEEE!
I got a little carried away at the end there, sorry. Sierra looks thrilled to see Douche go. Um, Sierra? Guess what -- he's going to the Loser's Lodge. With you. Yeah. Not so happy now, are you? The rest of the jury knows this and looks very sad indeed. Douche nods sagely and stands with his bad back. "It was an honor, guys," he mumbles; "thank you." GAHHHHSHUTUP. Probst extinguishes his torch, and Douche does some stupid forehead touch gesture. Everyone waves. Taj and Erinn are smiling. J.T. looks angry, but that might just be for show. I really think he knew Stephen was going to vote for Douche, but I guess we'll know for sure in the next episode. In his parting words, Douche says he's sad that someone in his warrior alliance turned, and guesses it was Stephen, who is not a "white wizard," (racism?) but an "evil wizard." Confusing reality with his little fantasy books until the end. I was really hoping he would say "guess what? I was playing a character this whole time, even in my interviews. You all fell for it. HAHAHAHAHA I'm really a totally normal guy and not a blowhard dick at all." That would have been the best blindside ever.