Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Putting Out, With Dark Sunglasses
By Jacob Clifton | Season 1 | Episode 9 | Aired on 06.17.1999
Shit! This is The Giving Tree! That's all this shit is! If Moya is everything, the world and everything outside, and all she wants to do is be a good mother, to us and to them, then that makes her God or better. Which makes Pilot an angel, aggelos, messenger. And you shit on him. The best possible. The voice of God. The only way home, the only thing that loves you. The real home. I go on and on but think about why. He loves Aeryn and Aeryn loves him. And if he's the only real home you have, the voice of God, and Aeryn's the star that you steer by...I get so angry. I'm sorry. They are good people. I love them, you know I do. But you don't spit on God. That's like the only thing I'm asking for: recognize God when you see her, and don't take a dump on it at that point. How fucking hard is that?
Aeryn wanders, breathing heavy, vision blurring, voices all around. And who comes looking but John? Who but John knows that the only things you need to touch the real shit are Aeryn and Pilot? (Or Rygel, or Zhaan, or D'Argo, or even fucking Stark.) Who but John would know we're entering the next phase of her tutorial? "Listen, there's some major crap going down here." She begs him to be quiet; his voice continues to ricochet. "The map thing -- Namtar's magic crystal? -- Well, Larry, Curly and Moe just found out that they can only use one of the maps. Two of 'em ain't going nowhere. I tell you, it's like a regular family feud up there." Or whatever the opposite of "family" could be called. (Also "family.") He notices her sweating: "This isn't a Sebacean heat thing, is it?" No, Aeryn assures him very fucking realistically, this is not "a Sebacean thing." He demands to know what's going on: "Is this something new? Or is this just your usual PMS. Peacekeeper Military Shit." And with that, as women have been doing rightfully since the phrase -- whatever the anagram behind -- was invented, Aeryn tells him to fuck himself, and takes off. (Listen and learn, boys.)
Rygel floats around his quarters, giggling and taunting D'Argo, who has just come looking for the crystal that's tearing them apart. "It's no use, Luxan! The crystal is well-hidden and will remain so until you and Zhaan are ready to listen to reason." Which D'Argo rightly defines as "when we return you to Hyneria." Yes. D'Argo threatens to find the crystal himself; Rygel promises he has "places...that even the Peacekeepers' scent hounds couldn't detect." Barf. Come on, you know what he's talking about, D. D'Argo offers to fight in Rygel's attempt to regain his throne, once home, if he'll side against Zhaan. "Imagine returning to your palace with a whole contingent of Luxan warriors at your command." D'Argo promises him that, whatever his crime, it won't interfere with this army. Rygel calls D'Argo's obvious plan to fuck him over a "Luxan trait," even as he's dodging D's attempt to smash him. Rygel pleads again for actual "reason" and D'Argo locks him in his cell. "Stay in there with your crystal as long as you wish -- until you starve. You forget, Your Rectal Eminence, you've been doing some housekeeping." He grabs one of the food cubes that Rygel was throwing out before, and takes a bite in Rygel's face, crumbling the rest.