Episode Report Card 1 USERS: C+ YOU GRADE IT The Valentine's Day Massacre
By Sars | Season 3 | Episode 14 | Aired on 02.01.2000
Capeside High. The camera focuses on a guy, presumably The Notorious Caufield, who looks about forty-five years old, while Dawson and Pacey speak admiringly of his lifestyle -- "urban legend has it" he once nailed six cheerleaders in one weekend, blah blah blah playa-cakes. Pacey says they "gotta" go to that party. Dawson expresses reservations. Pacey: "Is this doubt I’m hearing, young Skywalker?" More back-and-forth on how Dawson needs to get out more. Dawson: "Pacey Witter, the poor man’s Yoda." Can I please declare a nationwide moratorium on the use of Star Wars-related pseudo-witticisms? Because they stopped being funny in the autumn of 1992. Evidently, I can’t, because Jar Jar -- I mean, "Pacey" continues on in this vein, comparing himself to Han Solo and greeting the entrance of Jack "Vidal Sassoon’s Revenge" McPhee by calling him "Chewbacca." Pacey then asks Jack if he had "any luck." Jack relates, with much eye-rolling, that he asked a few of the guys on the football team, but the party’s location "is completely confidential." As opposed to "partially confidential." Jack drones on about Caufield not wanting the cops to find out, but as Pacey and Dawson wilt in disappointment, Jack says with an evil grin that he got "the password." "Nice!" Pacey shouts. "What is it?" Dawson asks. Jack does a weird head movement and whispers dramatically, "‘I know kung fu,’" following it with this totally out-of-character Jeff-Spicoli noddy-smiley thing. But he’s still my boyfriend.
Oh, man. Okay, cut to a medical technician telling Henry "Under" Parker that he can only donate plasma every seventy-two hours. Henry insists he feels fine, although nobody who "feels fine" would willingly have submitted to that hairstyle. The tech spreads a bit of cheese about Henry’s huge heart supplying blood to all of New England, but says she can’t allow him to donate any more. Henry begs, adding that he has "a date with an angel tonight." What a coincidence -- I have a date with a Big Gulp of Maalox. Henry yammers to the tech about how hard he’s worked to pay for the date, reservations, best table, on and on, and says if he can just sell "one more pint" he’ll have enough to buy Jen a gift as well. One more pint -- of plasma? I don’t have a degree in medicine, but that seems like a lot. Or a screw-up by the writers. Duh, of course it’s a screw-up by the writers. The tech says she can’t bend the rules. Henry brings out a plate of crackers and serves still more cheese to "Nurse Nicole" regarding a guy out there somewhere who thinks about her every night and sells blood to buy her stuff, and instead of getting a restraining order, Nurse Nicole gives in.
Waterfront. Pacey jogs up to a police cruiser driven by "Deputy" Doug Witter. Doug is blasting a pretty awful R&B song. Doug thinks Pacey wants something; Pacey denies it. Pacey comments on the "satanic racket" coming from the radio; Doug uses the word "diva," and Pacey threatens to start in with the "gay-stereotype humor" again. Then Pacey sucks up by asking to do a "ride-along" with Doug, and Doug says no and says Pacey would just get bored because Doug has stake out the golf course, and Pacey gets a knowing glint in his eye and asks why, so Doug explains that a concerned citizen called in about a party that might happen out there. Long story short, Pacey tries to throw Doug off the trail by saying he heard about a "rager" happening on Witch Island, then goes about his business.