Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Do Not Flaunt What You Haven't Got
By Sars | Season 3 | Episode 24 | Aired on 07.31.2000
The young actor kicks off the piece by grousing about the long hours he's put in on the Dawson's set and elsewhere. I wouldn't presume to say that acting isn't hard work, but quite frankly, it cheeses me off when any actor whinges about the hardships of the Hollywood life, particularly one who makes millions for employing absolutely no discernible talent, save perhaps possessing the largest cranium this side of a medical-oddities sideshow. Hey, James? If you don't like the gig, go back to Jersey and finish your degree. Oh, and shut up. No such luck. Next up -- Van Der Beek showcases his social conscience by coming out against gun ownership: "'It's ludicrous to me that guns are easier to get than a driver's license. Guns are instruments of death, for Christ's sake….If I had my way, there would be no handguns out there. But what the fuck do I know? I'm only an actor.'" I don't disagree with his point, of course, but I would point out that, when an actor says, "What do I know, I'm only an actor," we can read that as "my opinions should matter because I'm an actor." Does Van Der Beek actually believe his gun-control blathering constitutes anything resembling original thought? Will handgun owners rethink their positions and file quietly into police stations around the country to turn in their firearms because Van Der Beek called guns "instruments of death"? Hey, James? Maybe Ellsworth thinks you would make a great politician (no, he really does), but I think you should shut up. After wading through a bit of biographical information -- he used to play football, he appeared in a high-school production of Grease, he's dyslexic -- we find out that "[a]ll he wants to do is act. Fame is the last thing he wants." Oh, good grief. Van Der Beek doesn't really plan to lay the whole I Am A Craftsman Of Acting, Not A Celebrity line on us, does he? Ouch. Seems he does: "'People love to say that you wanted to be famous. But when I walk into a room, I don't want to be the center of attention. I love performing, but I don't like being noticed for fame. It's ironic, really.'" No, it isn't "ironic." If he had garnered fame specifically because he'd tried to avoid it, that would qualify as ironic. Van Der Beek's alleged distaste for the spotlight does not -- if we believed him in the first place. Do you believe him? I don't. Give the "poor me" routine a rest, James. Again, no joy. Ellsworth treats us to a Van Der Beek tantrum on the subject of getting mistaken for Dawson or Mox: "'The strangest thing is being recognized and identified with a character that isn't you. When people shout "Dawson," I completely ignore them. Dawson's not me -- Dawson has a lot of flaws, and I have to play that nine months out of the year. People call me that and I yell, "That's not my name!" There are days when you're just not in the mood for it. People act like you're obligated. Like I owe them. The kids I don't mind. I just have no patience for rude, pushy adults. Am I public property? [insert "with a head that size…" joke here] People think they own you. I even got approached during the Super Bowl….Kevin Williamson warned me that I'd never want to use a wall stall again.'" Well, thanks for that dip in Lake Self-Indulgence, James. I find this rant so obnoxious that I don't quite know where to begin, but I'll confine myself to remarking that he's clearly confusing himself with an undercover operative or something. Oh, and I'll tell him to shut up again. Shut up, James.