Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Do Not Flaunt What You Haven't Got
By Sars | Season 3 | Episode 24 | Aired on 07.31.2000
After this outburst, the models dance in front of Van Der Beek. Whatever. Then Van Der Beek asks Ellsworth not to talk about his relationship with his girlfriend Heather, because "'I want my relationship to be my own private thing. I don't even talk about most of this with my family or distant friends, so why share it with the public.'" Well, it's not like "the public" really wants to dwell on the idea that you get laid, Fab Five Foreheady, but I bet your family and friends will really enjoy reading that you keep secrets from them. And shut up. And Heather? Run away! A quick interlude from Ellsworth describing Van Der Beek's voice thusly: "Sexy, low, lulling, it commands attention." Yes, yes it does. Medical attention. A not-as-mercifully-brief snippet from Van Der Beek about how he loves the anonymity of New York, a city which, if he moved here, would eat his suburban ass alive. Then Van Der Beek "reluctantly" shares the information that he spent the morning working an children-with-AIDS benefit, averring that "'I don't do that sort of thing for good press. I do it for the kids.'" Right. Because your mentioning it, and then making a point of un-mentioning it, means you don't want any attention drawn to it. Hey, you convinced me. Except for the "convinced" part. And the "me" part. Van Der Beek goes on to talk about how money has changed his life, and then to analyze his motivations for acting; this portion of the article contains fascinating insights from Van Der Beek such as "'[h]uman beings are so fascinating.'" Then he talks a bit about his seduction by an older woman, and in order to spare the intestinal tracts of us all, I won't go any further on that topic. But, in case any food remains in your stomach, our hero's inspirations should take care of that posthaste: "'Human beings achieving something beyond what is expected. Spiritual revelations or scientific accomplishments. Huge, dramatic feats that change people's lives. Heroic acts inspire me.'" Mmmm. Very impressive, James -- I see you can read the back of a Microsoft Encarta box. Ellsworth next asks Van Der Beek what he'd change in his life if he could, and of course Van Der Beek wants the power to become invisible and anonymous -- as well he should, in my opinion. When Ellsworth inquires as to how he'd like to be remembered in a hundred years, Van Der Beek New-Agily replies that he doesn't think it's "'healthy'" to think about that, preferring to, and I quote, "'live in the now.'" Oh, my holy god -- if he were any fuller of himself, he'd turn inside out. But before I can tell him to shut up one last time, Ellsworth sneaks in another question, this one involving Van Der Beek's outlook on life reduced to five words. Van Der Beek's hideously self-important response: "'Love, listen, learn, don't judge. And don't be a fucking hypocrite.'" Well said, James. Why not take your own advice and button your lip? We all saw the photos that accompanied this blowjob masquerading as an article, and maybe it worked for Jessica Biel, but the Cinemax approach to changing your image won't work -- especially when you're every bit as much an arrogant, off-putting prat as the character you claim to want your freedom from.