Episode Report Card Al Lowe: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Acting Like Models
By Al Lowe | Season 1 | Episode 6 | Aired on 02.13.2008
After a wonderful meal, Jacki says, there remains one more Valentine's surprise for the models. The models sit down and get to see videotaped Valentine messages from their families and loved ones. Shannon's mom sits with a heart bearing Shannon's name. frankie spazzes out when he sees his girlfriend, who appears to also be named Frankie, thus raising his natural level of narcissism to like, ten jillion percent. With her in his life, he doesn't even have to TRY to call out someone else's name during sex. Jacki gets emotional when she sees her studly boyfriend call her "princess" and say he misses her. As a matter of fact, she gets so emotional her hair...explodes? I can't explain it, either. We cut away from the action to see her in an interview, made who-knows-when, in which she appears to have gotten her weave caught in a ceiling fan. Next, Stephanie's boyfriend goes the Blair Witch route, pointing the camera practically up his nose to declare his undying love for her. She is moved to tears. Casey's family and band mates have gathered in swank suburban surroundings to say hello, and he's touched to see them. I don't mean to bash the kid's life story, but remember when he was all "I lived out of my guitar case" or whatever? Come on, dude. Ben's wife appears on screen -- the cameras are quick to jump to Ronnie to catch his reaction, as well -- and Ben seems to be really happy to see his dog who, let's face it, is cute. However, his wife, who I have discovered is a songwriter, is pretty cute too, and, I have to say, quite talented.Anyway, Ben at first appears to be happier to see his dog than his wife, but her sweet message of encouragement must get to him, because he says later in an interview that it was great to see her face and hear her voice. Next up is Holly's hoooootttttttttTTTTt fiancé, who loves her so much and misses her to the point that he must smooch the camera, causing her to wag her tongue very cutely through her tears. To close, Ronnie's mom blandly waves a stuffed dog around and, in a monotone, gives him a "shout out" to wish him a happy Valentine's Day. After all the romance we've just seen, it's pretty funny, and all the models laugh. Ronnie is good natured about it, and says in an interview that his mom has always been there for him, and is his best friend. Perry, to everyone's surprise (especially his) has no Valentine message from his beloved girlfriend. He's upset, particularly since it is their anniversary, but happy when he finds out that he gets a chance to call her on the phone.
Um, here's how that goes. Perry: "Happy Anniversary, baby!" Girlfriend: "Yeah." Eeeeek. It is so uncomfortable, and Perry gets so crazy, I think for a moment that it's all orchestrated for the cameras. He immediately hears in her voice that something is wrong, and she gives him the nonchalant "we just have a lot to talk about," thing and he...flips out. She wants to know who he was with in Phoenix. Duuuuude, who were you with in Phoenix? Perry: "Are you talking about a New Year's kiss?" Girlfriend: "..." D'oh! Perry! Never cop to something for which you have yet to even be busted! DUDE. I thought you knew how to do this! Anyway, he hits her with both barrels, ramping up the drama before she can even really get upset. It's a classic tactic, and one every Jedi Knight learns at the knee of his frat mentors: the key to winning an argument with a crazy woman? Act more crazy than she is. Boom, fellas, I just saved you so many cell phone minutes, you don't even know. Do I even need to bother describing this drama to you? Haven't we all lived this? Perry gets loony, begging her to tell him she loves him, "right now!" I'd feel sorry for him, except every word out of his mouth is like it's from some Machiavellian playbook. Oh the tears this girlfriend must shed on the daily. "It's our one-year anniversary today," he says, really twisting the knife, "and you don't even love me anymore." OH MY GOD, poor Amanda. He is so in her head she immediately starts sobbing, repeating over and over again, at his command, that she does love him and want to be with him. I feel like I need a shower. ["Seeeeeriously, and the way he was making this demand while halfway standing up, done with the call and yet dragging this from her hollowed-out carcass before hanging up? TERRIFYING." -- Miss Alli]