Episode Report Card Gwen: D | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Here We Go Again
By Gwen | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 10.01.2000
Simon enters the kitchen in his all-black outfit. He's upset about starting high school without his junior-high buddies. Eric says that Lucy can show Simon around the campus. Simon gets all pissy, asking, "What do I look like -- a total geek?" No, honey. You look like a former boy-band member who's bitter because he quit before they hired the choreographer. RevCam starts, "I remember my first day of high school..." "We all do," interrupts Simon. "You told us about it a thousand times." Whoa! Harsh! This show is just full of hardcore declarations tonight, isn't it? RevCam is, mercifully, momentarily silenced by this smackdown. Instead of letting the sleeping dog lie, Simon gets all up in his dad's personal space and starts freaking out. "What if high school's just not a good experience for me? What if I'm unpopular? What if I can't make good grades? What if I never have a best friend in high school? What if I never have a girlfriend again?" he foams. Shh, Simon, don't you fret. You can have a bad high-school experience and then make up for it by getting paid to criticize shows about high-school students. Everything's gonna be okay. Hush. Eric tells him to chill and stop playing What If. Then Simon comes out with his cold-blooded piece de resistance. He tells his father, "Don't you wonder, 'What if my wife meets some college professor that she wants to run off with so she can get away from me and seven kids and all that church stuff?'" Dang, dang, DANG, that was cold (if grammatically lame)! Eric makes a face like he just found a pinworm on his boxers. Simon leaves him with that thought.
RevCam thinks his crappy morning's over, but he's wrong. Lucy literally bounces in, wearing really low-cut pants and a matching handkerchief top. She's June, and she's busting out all over in copious amounts of self-tanner, the likes of which haven't been seen since Tiffany-Amber Thiessen's prime-time years. Eric informs us that Andrew Nayloss's dad sent him to Europe over the summer to keep his son from dating Lucy. "Dad, why do you think I'm dressed like this?" Lucy asks. Oh, I know this one! Let me try! Is it because the show's wardrobe person just barely got around to reading three-year-old issues of YM and thinks that white lip gloss and zigzag parts are still in style? Is that the answer? What'd I win? Eric guesses, "...because you assume that I have absolutely no say in what you wear." Lucy corrects us both. According to her, she's showing so much orange skin because "not even Andrew Nayloss's father will be able to keep Andrew from this." She twirls, showing RevCam what is almost her plumber's crack. RevCam gets up and puts a long-sleeved red shirt on her, and then picks up a stapler and staples it closed. Ha! I actually laughed at that. But now that the writers have splurged on that joke for the premiere, the budget's tapped out and they can't purchase funny writing for the rest of the season. Oh, well. It was almost worth it.
Because the kitchen set was apparently the only one functioning at the time, RevCam continues to sit in it as Matt enters with his ever-dirty laundry. The two of them have a long, long parry-and-thrust about the state of Matt's relationship with Heather. RevCam asks if Matt's living with her. Matt says, "We uh did uh a really...stupid...thing. It was stupid." Then, FINALLY, they cut me some slack with a commercial. Man.